Archive of Our Own

juliet, the dice was loaded from the start
and I bet, and you exploded into my heart
and I forget, I forget the movie song
when you gonna realize it was just that the time was wrong, juliet?

He doesn't know when it starts. 

As someone who works in a history museum, he’s kind of an expert on this. History events don't just start with a clear date and a single event, history is made up of a ton of shitty things happening all at once, it's empires falling and people suffering. History is people thriving because one single discovery made it possible for them to succeed at something else decades later, hundreds of years later, millennia later. The butterfly effect maybe, or not, maybe just coincidences. It is little moments treasured in the hearts of some individuals and forgotten in the eyes of thousands.

History doesn't begin, it exists on itself, waiting for humans to fuck it up and expecting that the inevitable changes that come after are for the better. 

So that's what he tells Hinata. Or a version of it, anyway. 

"That whole speech may work with the little school kids you give tours to, but it's just a bunch of pedantic words that don't say anything worth it. Cut the crap, Suckyshima."

"I will hang up," he says. He won't, they both know it.

"Yeah, yeah. Avoid talking about your feelings."

"What do you want me to say? That I remember exactly the first moment we crossed eyes on the first training match we had? That I spent an entire summer hung up on the idea of messaging him when I was fifteen years old? That I could recite to you the exact words that he said to me when he rejected me? Both times, by the way, because he did it twice. Well, no, I fucking can't!" Kei takes a deep breath and lets it go rather loudly. "I don't know, okay? I can't remember the exact moment I saw him and went: okay I will love this stupid boy for almost a decade and it's going to break my heart more times that I'm willing to."

"Ok, fine. Let me think," Hinata says. Kei can hear him in the kitchen, probably trying to make an absurd amount of food for him and Kageyama. 

They keep quiet for a while, Hinata cooking and him sitting on his living room floor. He has an open box next to him, where he was trying to look for some blankets when Hinata called. He was supposed to be done with most of the boxes by now, but moving from Sendai to Tokyo was exhausting enough to justify not finishing everything the first day. 

He is also now wallowing in self-pity, because not even half a day after he set foot in Tokyo he got the notification that Kuroo was coming back to Japan the following week. He doesn’t have the notification alert activated on twitter —thank you past self for not being that pathetic—, but he does have them for some of his former teammates, so of course a few of them commented about it. 

He's been on edge since the beginning of the day; moving is always a stressful activity and whoever enjoys it is lying. All the friends he has in Tokyo are ridiculously famous volleyball players who had practice all day, so they couldn’t help him with moving boxes and setting up cheap furniture. And the ones who aren’t… Well, he still doesn’t know where he stands with them to ask for help. 

By midday, the moving company told him they were running  late because of traffic and when he was on his way out to get at least something to eat that didn’t require any effort, two neighbours inside the building were complaining about the lack of hot water for the weekend. The Kuroo thing just pushed him over that edge and he ended up having one of those good old anxiety attacks. He can't say he misses them. It wasn’t much later that Hinata called him.  

Kei rearranges himself on the floor with a blanket over him and waits for a bit longer for Hinata to organize his thoughts. Silences like this aren’t rare between them. Their talks usually go by insulting each other for a while, laughing at their misadventures, being there for the other one when things are hard, and pretending they don’t care about each other as much as they do. It's very confusing sometimes, but in reality they both reached the really -good- friends stage by pretending they tolerate each other less than they actually do, they can read between the lines after years of this weird friendship. Right now, Hinata knows he is helping the longer they stay on the phone.

Kei notices he has another notification on his phone and decides to start cataloguing what he needs to do when he eventually hangs up. His bed is disassembled in a corner of his bedroom and his mattress is behind a mountain of other boxes so he will sleep on the couch tonight. He may need the entire week to finish with all the boxes. He may need that numbing job to stop thinking.

"Ok, ok. Answer me this then," Hinata says after a few minutes, interrupting Kei's mental schedule for rearranging his new apartment. "When did you stop?" 

"When did I stop what?" Kei asks. He may need to ask the idiots for help after all, he doesn't want to bother them with assembling his bookcase and desk, but he doesn’t have the proper tools. It will also be an excuse to invite them over without having to throw that ‘housewarming party’ they'll eventually want to have. He can bribe them with food. 

"Loving him. When did you stop loving him?" 

Kei sucks in a breath. He reminds himself that Hinata sometimes had the ability to leave him speechless, be it his talent for jumping high enough, his audacity or his sincerity. It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with the question. 

Kei clenches the hand he still has in one of the blankets and closes his eyes. It doesn't matter anymore, he can answer.

"Who said I did?"

It does matter.

Hinata abruptly stops whatever he's doing on the other side of the line, but his voice is soft. "Oh, Kei."

If Kei felt better and not completely exposed, he would fake a laugh and get back to his previous argument, adding that history doesn't end. Isn't that funny... But how can he say that when their history together never even started? 

*

He really doesn't know if it started when they met. Their first encounter is too short and too forgettable to count,that first practice match. Yes the captain did acknowledge him by the end of the day, but he doesn’t think it is something to mark in any calendar.

"What did you think of Nekoma?" Yamaguchi asks him on their way back that evening. 

"Loud." He replies without thinking. "Good at receiving, I guess."

"Hm." Yamaguchi nods. "The captain is good at blocking, right?" He adds. 

Kei keeps silent. He won't admit out loud that the Nekoma captain is more than just good at blocking. He doesn't care enough to comment on that. Fortunately, Yamaguchi keeps talking about the match, he’s going on about their libero now. 

Kei forgets all about the Nekoma team until the next time they see them in July, at the training camp in Tokyo. The first week is not too memorable either, except he keeps having this feeling of being watched every now and then when he is playing. He doesn’t think too much about it, after all it’s something that happens frequently in any training session; coaches, teachers, upperclassmen, they all watch and analyze your plays for you to get better. Kei never bothers with following those directions to the letter, he doesn’t have any intention of putting more of himself out there. 

So when he turns around one time to go get the ball, he notices Kuroo noticing him. For a few seconds he stops and stares, until Kuroo smiles cheekily and goes back to whatever he was doing. Kei has the fleeting impulse to look at Yamaguchi’s side of the court and he catches him already staring back with a puzzled expression, he tries to convey what both of them are thinking because what the fuck?

They don’t get to talk about it, though. Yamaguchi is busy with his server practices and he tries to ignore everything that has to do with volleyball for two weeks. He doesn’t reply to his friend's messages inviting him along, nor Akiteru’s inquiries about anything related to Karasuno.

What’s the point anyway? It’s just a stupid club. 

The night before the second week of summer camp is when he finally allows himself to think about Kuroo. He is packing his bag for the week when he realizes he is going to see him again. At this point he is sure he imagined all those looks, Kuroo was probably watching Karasuno’s performance, looking for all their weaknesses, that’s what he would do. After all, Kei isn’t anything special to catch any third year's attention, much less the captain of such a good team, so why would Kuroo be interested in watching him?

It’s one week later when he finds out that Kuroo apparently was looking at him, because he’s still doing it now while Kei’s filling his water bottle after losing two matches in a row, not doing anything particularly athletic to be the subject of Kuroo’s scrutiny. It makes him a little bit anxious. 

It’s not like Kei has been trying to avoid thinking about the gay thing too often. Another fifteen year old boy may have steered clear of the subject altogether, but Kei has a flaw, and he concluded a while ago it isn’t his sexuality, it’s that he overthinks. He finds himself being fine with the whole ‘another boy is checking me out and I’m not weirded out about it, because I, too, prefer boys’. However, he feels kinda weird about being the center of attention of anyone else. He’s so out of his depth in this department that he doesn’t know how the fuck to act. 

The moment Kuroo hits that sore spot under the fluorescent lights of the third gymnasium with his words, Kei has to laugh at himself for his ingenuity. Honestly, Kei feels relieved that he got everything wrong for once. Him being someone that a guy is attracted to? It doesn’t make any sense. 

The only thing that he should have gotten from that interaction is that Kuroo had an unmatched power to get to him, except maybe for Yamaguchi. But Yamaguchi is his best friend; he is allowed to do that. Kuroo’s words shouldn’t affect him that much. 

Kei hates that he is back again in that gymnasium, this is not like him. Notwithstanding, there he is jumping to block a spike with Yamaguchi’s voice ringing in his ears, Bokuto’s affirmation that he will go through some moment that will get him hooked on volleyball. Kei is going against everything he believes in because of some dumb club: working side by side with Kuroo, cataloguing new techniques, tolerating Hinata and Haiba’s antics, laughing alongside Akaashi at Kuroo and Bokuto, making friends. 

By the time the training camp ends he has three new contacts in his phone, and Kei swears he doesn’t really know how they got to the point of exchanging contact information. However, there he is, sitting on a bus back to Miyagi staring at his phone. He was going to put on some playlist when a message notification from Kuroo got his attention. 

Have a good ride back. 

It’s the most awkward message he has received in his life, and he’s Yamaguchi’s friend. Hell, he has Akiteru for a brother, awkward is their entire communication since that stupid fiasco years ago. What the fuck is he supposed to do with that? They saw each other not ten minutes ago. Was this necessary? Granted, they didn’t say goodbye to each other properly; Bokuto hugged Hinata and him for a while when they were about to board their bus, and, by the time they got to Nekoma they were already running late, so Kuroo just gave him a nod from afar after he clapped Daichi on the back. Kei thought that was it. 

And what is proper for them anyway? Are they at a friendship level where they can hug goodbye? Bokuto certainly thought so. Akaashi gave him a handshake instead, much appreciated. Kozume, who never left Hinata’s side for the entire time, just sent him a sideways glance —he is certain that Kozume doesn’t like him one bit.  

So Kei was fine with how he left things with Kuroo. He thought Kuroo liked him, but he didn't. Kuroo insulted him, he insulted him back more than once, Kuroo teached him some volleyball. End of the story. 

Why does Kuroo have to ruin it by sending him this stupid message? 

Kei has his thumb hovering over the reply button when Yamaguchi’s head appears in his line of vision.

“You got his number? Nice,” he says. Kei pushes him away and Yamaguchi settles on the seat next to him.

“Don’t you get your own seat? Why are you bothering me?” Kei asks, putting his phone away. 

Yamaguchi shrugs like that's enough of an answer. “Aren’t you going to reply?”

“What for?” 

“I mean, we saw him like five minutes ago after you spent one week together every night, and he already sent you a text? He got it bad, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi says. And then he has the nerve to wink. Kei is so embarrassed he covers his face with a hand just to stop looking at his best friend.

“I wish I never told you about him. Or they gay thing for that matter.” 

"You don't mean that," Yamaguchi says with a smile. And he's right. If he usually doesn’t dwell too much on the reality that he is gay, it’s mostly due to the fact that Yamaguchi was the best person to come out to. It was almost three years ago when they were studying in his room when Kei casually —or what it seemed casual at the time, he was actually scared shitless— dropped that he didn’t care much about girls and that he thought he liked boys more. Yamaguchi blinked and then shrugged, telling Kei that he sometimes fancied both, but he wasn’t sure yet. And that was it. He often thinks about what he would have done if he didn’t get that easy going response, or Yamaguchi’s continued support. 

He doesn’t want to talk about anything related to this inside of a bus full of their teammates though, so he tells him that much. 

"Fine. You’re going to tell me all about it when we’re alone.” He settles more on the seat and pushes his head on Kei’s shoulder. Yamaguchi closes his eyes and exclaims, “I’m exhausted! We can go to my house later and do nothing for the entire day, except maybe think of a response to that text that you won’t tell me about.”

Kei hums. He takes his headphones and puts them on, already trying not to disturb Yamaguchi who usually falls asleep in seconds. He hesitates while choosing a playlist on his phone. Nothing feels exactly right, and he is in need of sorting his thoughts. 

Sighing, mostly defeated because it was going to happen sooner or later, Kei selects the option of creating a new playlist and —as the melodramatic teenager that he knows he is— he leaves the title as ‘untitled’ and starts working on it.

Time with tell what the fuck he’s supposed to feel or do with that text.

*

(He never replies to it.

Kuroo doesn’t send another text that year.)

*

What time told him is that he enjoys volleyball way more than he ever thought he would. And while he blocks Ushijima one more time, Bokuto’s word on his mind, his brother showing the proudest and biggest smile he ever saw on his face, he thinks that he would love to face Kuroo and see him react to his newly improved skills on the other side of the court. 

Kei decides there and then that he will go to nationals and will play against Nekoma at least once more. 

*

He enjoys every match they get to play at nationals that year, even the last one, yet he knows deeply that the one he enjoyed the most was the one against Nekoma. 

Their teams met the very first day, and while Kei and Kuroo exchanged only some passing glances that day, it is the next one, after Karasuno wins against Inarizaki High, that they get to talk. 

He is finishing helping Yachi with packing some of their things while she’s in the bathroom when he feels someone approaching them from the side. His first instinct is to recoil against it —he hates when people casually touch him—, but he sees from the corner of his eyes that this person is sporting a deep blood red jacket, and that can only mean one thing.

“Hey, Tsukki,” Kuroo says. Behind him is Akaashi who greets him as well.

“Good afternoon, Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san,” Kei addresses them. “May I help you with something?”

Kuroo looks at him and nods, but he doesn’t add anything else for a while. Kei looks questioningly at Akaashi and this one just shrugs, his head tilting at Kuroo. 

After a few seconds Akaashi seems to take pity on Kuroo. “Oh, no. I’m just here for moral support,” he replies. 

Well, maybe he didn’t take pity on him after all, because even in Kei’s eyes, that was a very clear betrayal. Kuroo may think so too, because he sends Akaashi a dirty look.

“Have you seen Bokuto around?” Kuroo finally asks. Next to him Akaashi hides his face in his palms while murmuring something.

Kei blinks. “You mean the guy who is very loudly jumping around Hinata like ten meters from where we are standing? Yes, I saw him.” He can’t help it, he laughs mockingly. “You can follow the screams to your left, I’m sure you will find him.”

Akaashi shakes his head and with a sigh just leaves them standing there. 

“I’m going to get Bokuto. I don’t deserve this.”

Kei believes that he doesn't deserve whatever is happening either.

"You played great today." Kuroo puts his hands in his pockets while looking around.  

Kei doesn't remember if he saw Nekoma watching them, maybe Kuroo saw some repetitions somewhere, or just the score. 

"Thanks," Kei said. He should continue the conversation. Add something like 'you too', but he didn't pay attention to Nekoma's match that day. The team is probably going to watch it tonight in preparation for tomorrow's game. 

"So, an official Karasuno vs. Nekoma match tomorrow. Finally." 

"Yeah, finally," Kei nods. Why is this so awkward? They were fine last time they saw each other. Granted they haven’t talked since summer, but with Akaashi things are not awkward. Is it maybe because he does text with him and Bokuto sometimes? And Kuroo found out? Probably. Most likely. 

He wasn't the one who initiated those conversations though. And they sent him more consistent and actual 'they required a reply' texts. 

Kei is going to start talking about the weather any moment now when Kuroo shakes his head, lets out a  shaky breath and locks eyes with him. 

"I can't wait to watch you play and see your face when we win up close," he finally says with a big smile. No one will ever ask, but if someone did, he would tell them that Kuroo’s smile that day may have been the thing that hooked him up for good. 

Kei returns the smile. 

“Of course, Kuroo-san.” He wasn’t going to, but Kei decides to rise to the bait for once. “I’ll make sure there’s a camera pointing at your face the exact moment we hit the winning point, so I can see on replay later how you react when you lose.” 

“You wish, Tsukki,” Kuroo says, then still with a smile on his face he continues. “So you’d like to see my face on repeat, huh?”

Kei frowns a little bit, because yes, that’s how he made it sound and the idea doesn’t sound too disgusting if he’s being honest. He won’t admit it though. 

“Please, like there is anything worth watching behind all that atrocious hair.” Kuroo laughs and gets even closer. 

“It’s okay, Tsukki. I’ll keep your secret of how much you like my face.” Kei realizes that if this continues it may not be a secret much longer, and he can’t have that. Not yet. 

He is fine with the gay thing. He is fine with him —maybe— liking Kuroo. He feels great about Kuroo —less likely, but not impossible— liking him, but Kuroo knowing about it? He needs to think about it first. 

“Don’t call me Tsukki,” he retorts weakly. “I think Bokuto-san is trying to catch your attention back there,” Kei lies. “Give him my regards, please. I need to keep helping my manager now.” 

He turns and is planning to walk away without another word when a hand on his shoulder stops him. He doesn’t move. 

“Good luck. We’ll see each other tomorrow.” Kuroo says softly next to him. Kei hears him leave. He may need Yamaguchi’s assistance to once more figure out what the hell he’s supposed to do now. 

*

(Kei would like to say he sometimes still feels Kuroo’s hand on his, because of the handshake Kuroo gave him after Karasuno won against Nekoma. That he still feels the pats on the back. That years later he still hears his laugh and panted breath on his ears.

He doesn’t.)

*

After they lose against Kamomedai, Kei has to leave the building for a little while. He can’t keep seeing the third years crying or Hinata blaming himself. Everything is just too much and the anxiety crawls in his chest like a heavy weight that isn’t letting him breathe properly.

So Kei stands against a tree, under its big shadow somewhere behind the building. He chose this place because there weren't a lot of people around, no one would see him sulk. Of course that’s where Kuroo finds him. Kei’s not sure how much time has passed, but it can’t be too much. 

“Hey,” Kuroo says, approaching him. They stood against each other on the court not even half a day earlier and it seems like ages have passed. Kei doesn’t acknowledge him at first. 

“I would say a lot of encouraging stuff now, if it wasn’t a load of bullshit.” Kuroo’s voice is soft, “It feels like shit, doesn’t it?” 

Kei sighs. “I didn’t even want to win as badly as the others.”

“You feel like you don’t have the right to feel this bad,” Kuroo points out. And how does he do it? How does he just get Kei with just a few words and a few encounters?

“I really don’t. The third years—” Kei makes a pause and a gesture with his hand, like including Kuroo in what he’s about to say too. “They do have the right to feel like shit. This is the last time for them. This is it. None of them is going to continue playing. Maybe some neighborhood team after work, but they won’t get to experience this again.”

“I see,” Kuroo hums. “And why is that a bad thing?” 

Kei stares.

“Don’t look at me like that. I didn’t say I kick puppies for fun!” Kuroo turns a little bit, leaning on his side against the tree. His chest is touching Kei’s shoulder. Kei likes that they’re almost the same height so he doesn’t have to look down. “Believe me, I get it. I’m not going pro either, probably not going to try on the university team either, I don’t know yet. Still, that this was our last experience is not a bad thing entirely.” He shrugs. “I don’t want to sound like a self-help blog here, but the moments we shared with our teammates, those are the precious memories and the experience in itself will never compare to another thing. Continuing with this, it would be great too, probably, but not the same. I’m speaking for myself here: I don’t know if I would like to play in different teams with people I don’t know. At least today I don’t feel like it.  

“Also, your friends… I think they would like to know that you consider them as important as you do to feel like that. Not all people do. They appreciate the time and effort you put into improving yourself,” Kuroo continues. “No, don’t do that face. Think about it like this: your participation gave them more time on the court, and they’ll value that for a long time.”

The pressure on Kei’s chest is coming down a little bit, it’s getting easier to breathe with every word that leaves Kuroo’s mouth. He looks at it while Kuroo keeps talking. 

“Hell, I appreciate you trying to improve and finding volleyball fun from time to time. It was an amazing last game and I believe you made it better.”

“I’m not as good as you,” Kei says. He doesn’t know if the anxiety he felt started back up again or the fact that he feels his heart beating faster is because Kuroo is very close, and he keeps talking and saying encouraging things that are getting to Kei more and more. 

“Bullshit, by the time you reach my age you’ll be unstoppable.” Kuroo smiles, his lips stretch big with it. He moves his arm a little bit, he dictates his next words with a finger on Kei’s chest. “You’re incredible.”

Kei can’t tolerate it anymore. He springs forward, positioning a hand on Kuroo’s forearm, Kei brings him closer and kisses him. 

This is his first kiss and he never imagined it would be like this. Kuroo grabs his shirt with the hand that he had there, still a little bit damp from the game, grips it tight between his fingers. Kei’s other hand, the one that is not being used to hang onto Kuroo’s own arm, is touching Kuroo’s face, hair, ear, whatever he’s finding. 

It’s electric. Kei feels powerful, like he can keep doing this for hours. Kuroo’s lips taste like skin, like he imagines summer would taste like. 

It is shorter than a breeze.

Kuroo stops suddenly and with the hand that was about to grip Kei’s waist he pushes him away, not too strong, but still firmly. 

Kei opens his eyes —he doesn’t remember closing them—, and he regrets it immediately. Kuroo’s panting a little bit, his brows brought together on a frown and he’s shaking his head. 

“No. I don’t—” Kuroo can’t finish whatever he’s trying to say. 

“Sorry. That was, uhm.” Kei is having trouble with forming a sentence too, apparently. He winces and crosses his arms over his chest. “I thought… sorry, this is my fault. I read the situation entirely wrong.”

“I— I mean, it’s not.” Kuroo makes a frustrated sound. “You’re fifteen,” He says. His eyes are huge and he still has his arms stretched out, stopping Kei from getting closer, although that’s the last thing that Kei wants now. 

“I’m sixteen.” And he hates it, he hates the way he’s trying to defend his age and it sounds like a petulant child would respond.

“Well fuck it, right? Because a few months change everything.” Kuroo sounds angry for some reason and, besides the fact that Kei has jumped him a few seconds ago, he can’t think of any other explanation for this behavior. 

“What the fuck do you mean?” Well, maybe he’s angry too. Go figure. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I’m sorry, okay? I thought you liked me. You don’t and I have embarrassed myself enough for today. This,” Kei takes one hand out of the protective wall he made around himself and points at the both of them. “Won’t happen again.” 

That seems to work for Kuroo to calm down because he deflates instantly. 

“You didn’t read anything wrong. I just can’t…” he trails off. Kuroo isn’t looking at him anymore. 

“Goodbye, Kuroo-san. Have a wonderful year.” Kei bows, he doesn’t know why the fuck he bows, Kuroo doesn’t deserve it. 

Kei leaves him there, immediately trying to find his team. When Yamaguchi sees him so upset he lets him believe that it’s only because they lost a game. 

It feels like he lost more. 

*

(Kei would like to also say he remembers that kiss as something great, beautiful. Kei does remember the feeling of it. 

And the shame that came with it.)

*

Kei looks at the usual orange ball of hyperactivity seating at his side. Hinata is oddly calm while they’re waiting for their flight. It may be the situation he is in. 

While Kei is taking a flight to Germany so he can join his parents and brother for a family vacation, nothing major and exciting is happening in his life. In two weeks he will be back in this airport to go home and start a new year at Sendai university. Hinata instead is connecting onto another flight to arrive in Brazil, where he will stay, alone, for who knows how long, in a country where they speak another language—such a different culture, it’s kinda terrifying. Kei won’t tell him that he kinda admires him a little bit. He doubts he would be able to do that just to improve at volleyball. 

He’s mostly bothered because he imagined that he wouldn’t be able to sleep on the plane sitting next to Hinata, considering that he’s already tired from the Sendai to Tokyo trip. However, Hinata keeps to himself, a little withdrawn, quiet. 

It’s weird. Weirder than he’s used to. Kei will probably regret this later.

“Are you okay?” He asks. 

“Define okay,” Hinata replies. He stops fumbling with the strap of his bag. “I don’t know. I think I need a distraction from my own mind.”

Kei gets that. He’s about to tell him about Yachi’s last disastrous date because it’s the fresher thing he remembers that doesn’t involve anyone they know and are currently avoiding to talk about. Yachi and him had lunch last week near campus and they ended up laughing way too much with her anecdote that they were almost thrown out from the restaurant. It’s a safe topic.

“Did you hear about Yachi’s—” But he stops, because getting out of passport control and coming their way to take a seat near them is Kuroo. He would recognize that hair anywhere. Hinata looks at him questiongly, and follows his line of sight. 

“Is that Kuroo-san, Nekoma’s old captain?” Kei would prefer that Hinata hadn’t remembered him, but he knows he would. Hinata saw Kozume just this morning. The fact that Kozume forgot to mention that Kuroo was also going to be at the airport today was probably a coincidence. Kei mentally snorts, sure.

He sees the exact moment Kuroo notices them, because he stops short and kinda trips over his carry on. Good , Kei thinks, at least Kozume also kept him in the dark.

Hinata stands up and waves, because of course he does , and Kuroo doesn’t have the option or the heart to pretend he didn’t see them. 

“Hey Shorty, Tsukki,” Kuroo greets them. He has his typical smile on his face, the one that makes Kei feel trapped if he stares too much. His chest is heavy. 

“Kuroo-san, good to see you,” Kei responds. Because he’s nothing but his mother’s son and he will behave civil, goddammit. 

Hinata also responds with something, but Kei isn't really listening to be honest. It’s been almost two years since he last saw Kuroo, more or less. Karasuno was in their second Spring interhigh tournament.

They lost, but they weren't leaving until the end of the tournament. Tanaka said something about how he didn't want his last trip to Tokyo as a Karasuno team member end in tears, so he and Nishinoya managed to convince Ennoshita —Kei still can't believe how they did it, Ennoshita as a captain was ten times more terrifying than Daichi, and that's a lot — and they ended up sneaking out of the hotel to go to a party. 

Oh no, but it wasn't just any party. It was a party hosted by some Fukurodani member that apparently knew every soul in the planet or at least in the highschool volleyball men division because when they arrived, it took five minutes for Kei to spot Kuroo leaning in a corner, talking to a pretty girl. 

He was very close to leaving then, but Yamaguchi and Yachi were at his side, laughing for the first time that day. He didn't want to ruin the fun for his friends. That's why he accepted to come in the first place. 

He was glad Bokuto and Akaashi weren't there. He would have liked to see them in this context maybe, they still talked sometimes via messages, plus Bokuto followed him on instagram and commenteds every picture of Kei, even if they're just boring countryside nature photos. And he had seen Akaashi the day before at the tournament. He knew he would like to go out with them. But he also knew very close friends with Kuroo too, they would have merged at the party eventually, obligated to spend time together, and he's been planning on never speaking to Kuroo again if he could help it.

They didn't cross a word. But they kept running into each other sometimes. He doesn't know how Kuroo reacted to seeing him, because every time they looked at each other, Kei deflected it by taking a sip of whatever he had in his paper cup.

That's the first time he got drunk and he can successfully say that he kept to himself and his friends. 

He hasn’t seen Kuroo again until now. 

He still hears things about him, though. Because Hinata is still very good friends with Kozume and he never filters anything he’s talking about. Why would he, though? Hinata doesn’t know shit about it. 

He looks so fine. And the humiliation from the last time they talked to each other is still fresh in his mind. 

He tries to focus back on the conversation. Though he's doing his best to not seem suspicious about his inspection; every time he looks at Kuroo and Kuroo looks up, Kei avoids him. 

"Oh, I need to call my mom before we take off," Hinata says suddenly, very loudly. Kei frowns at the floor, didn't Hinata call her at lunchtime? "Well, better I do it now, so I can leave Tsukishima with you as company, right?" At this Kei rises his head and watches as the bastard just leaves. 

Well here we go, have an awkward talk with Kuroo number whatever, Kei thinks. Or maybe not, maybe Kuroo does the mature adult thing to just leave it like that, say some polite words and walk away. That would be nice. 

"So, how have you been?" Kuroo asks, taking the seat that Hinata emptied. 

Fucker. Kei hates him.

"Fine. You?"

"Can't complain." 

"Good." 

A minute or more passes in silence. A horrid silence. 

"This is awful", Kuroo ends up saying. Kei ventures to look to the side and he can see Kuroo tapping his fingers on his suitcase. It looks worn out, old. He goes back to looking at the floor.

"It is," Kei agrees. "Sorry that you still feel awkward around me. I'll leave." 

"Don't." Kuroo shakes his head. "That's not on you. I don't want you to feel awkward around me."

Kei rolls his eyes. "Isn't it the same thing?" 

"Where are you going?" Kuroo ignores his previous comment and asks. 

Kei entertains the thought of not telling him. Why is it Kuroo's business where he is going? 

"Germany. Family vacation," he says. Kei is weak. 

"Oh. Me too." Kei panics for half a second when Kuroo continues. "Actually, that's my first stop. I'm going to Scotland. University program." 

Kei won't ask him what for. He doesn't need to know. 

"Tsukki," Kuroo calls him. "Tsukki, it has come to my attention that I'm an idiot and I'm very sorry for the way I handled things back then."

"It's okay," Kei says, he really doesn't want to talk about it, so he tells him that much.

"I just want us to be friends again. We were friends, weren't we?" Kei is still looking down, though he can feel Kuroo is watching his reactions.

"No we weren't," Kei never considered Kuroo a friend. Kei saw in Kuroo potential for so many things he can't keep count, but friends… maybe that's what went wrong. Kuroo was looking for a friend and Kei had a crush. 

"Harsh. Honest. Classic Tsukki," Kuroo says. Kei does look at him now and he's smiling. "Come on, let's be friends," Kuroo prompts him. 

Tsukishima rolls his eyes. Again. 

"We weren't friends, but we can be," Kei admits. 

"I mean we share some friends here and there, and Kenma is never letting go of Shorty," Kuroo says with a shrug. He doesn't realize he already convinced him. "And I can't leave Kenma to fend for himself, he never remembers to eat." Kuroo turns a little bit and makes a pensive expression. "Did you eat? You're too skinny."

For sure Kei will get his face stuck if he keeps rolling his eyes. 

"Yes, I did. Don't bother me about it. We actually had lunch with Kozume-san, who failed to mention anything about you flying in the same plane as ours, by the way." 

"Oh, Kenma is a little shit. You should know your kind," Kuroo laughs and Keii feels his pulse in his ears while he watches him cackling to himself. Friends. Maybe he can do this.

He just needs to lie to himself a little bit.  

*

(They start texting. Properly, like they should have years ago maybe. 

Kei is back at university. Kuroo too, but in another country and for two years. He will graduate there. 

There are times where Kei wants to call him and tell him. Tell him that it costs more and more to be just friends with him, that he only looks forward to the weekends, not to go out with his university friends or teammates, but to video chat with him. 

Sometimes he thinks Kuroo has the same problem too. 

But he was wrong once. He doesn't want to find out if he's wrong this time.)

*

The first person he calls when he gets the starting position as a middle blocker on the Sendai Frogs is Akiteru. 

The second one is Kuroo. 

He tells himself that he didn't call Yamaguchi or Hinata or any of his other friends because they were working or studying or in fucking Brazil. 

Kuroo's position in the world makes him the perfect candidate to receive a call now. He is not at work, or at any course. 

When he calls it takes a little bit to connect. He decided on video chat because he can, they both have the app on their phones. Kuroo's very sleepy face appears on the other side after he turns on the bedside lamp. 

Kei makes the math in his head and okay, maybe it's five in the morning in Edinburgh. Still a perfectly reasonable time to call his friend-crush-neverboyfriend.

"Tsukki?" Kuroo's voice sounds rough and his eyes are puffy, but when he focuses his sight and he sees Kei he smiles a little bit. "Tsukki, hi," he finishes softly.

Kei has the urge to yeet his phone to the skies so he doesn't have to keep watching him like that, he briefly wonders if someone else has the fortune of seeing Kuroo like that, his heart hurts .

"Sorry, did I wake you? I can call back later."

"Nah, it is fine," Kuroo smiles again while he rubs his eye. "If you call me now it must be important, it may just take me a while to properly react while I finish waking up." 

"I'm going to be one of the starter middle blockers for the next game of the season. No more subs bench," Kei rushes it out. 

"Tsukki! That is awesome! Congratulations," Kuroo exclaims. He has the biggest smile. 

Kei returns the smile, he is very satisfied with what's happening in his life right now. 

"You know?" Kuroo starts, he is stretching in his bed,his eyes closed now. "I always had this fantasy on highschool of you wearing only my Nekoma jacket," he doesn't say it in a flirty way, more like a fact. Kei catches his breath. "But now I keep picturing you watching me in your Frogs jacket, isn't it funny how the mind works?" 

Kuroo is sleepy, he just woke up and he keeps closing his eyes and speaking softly. Kei wants to stop him, yet he is treasuring every word because what . 

"As long as it's you and a volleyball jacket I'm sold," he finishes. Kei wants. Kei is surprised about how much he wants that to be real. And he wants Kuroo to know he is totally on board for that. 

It takes approximately ten seconds for Kuroo to realize he spoke out loud, because he goes very, very still on the screen and he opens his eyes wildly and looks at Kei, searching for something. 

"Tsukki, I—,"

"I would like the same thing," Kei interrupts him before Kuroo can retract himself. He won't allow it. 

Kuroo laughs relieved, apparently. He still groans and facepalms himself. 

“We suck at being friends,” he says. 

“I told you we weren’t friends,” Kei adds. He feels elated, he knows it won’t last. “Though I think we managed very well for a while.”

Kuroo nods, he is fully seated now. He is wearing an old nekoma shirt, because of course he is. 

“I’m expecting the but,” Kuroo says after a few moments when they keep watching each other from the tiny screen. 

“Nonetheless,” Kei says, because he is nothing but a contrarian. “You live in fucking Scotland and I won’t make you wait for an year and half until we see each other again. And I’ll never make you come back earlier just for me.”

“Long distance is an option.”

“Not for me.” It isn’t really. What they do now is enough for what they are, friends who aren’t really friends, that know there’s nothing they can do more about. Kei trusts Kuroo with his life, but he also knows himself and Kuroo, they won’t be happy like this. “If it were an option, wouldn’t you have kissed me under that tree in Tokyo?”

Kuroo frowns. “That was a gay panic, and maybe an age panic, and a ‘he never replied to my first text so he clearly hates me’ panic.”

“I kissed you, how does that translate to ‘I hate you’?” Kei thinks about it and adds, “That was a gay panic?”

“Yes! Not all of us can just be like ‘Oh, well, it looks like I’m gay’ and that’s it,” Kuroo looks frustrated. “I was gay panicking, bi panicking to be precise. I didn’t know bi was an option, okay? I was mostly fine with the boring and sad straight life when you arrived in my life with those legs . God, Tsukki have you seen your legs?”

“I have?” Kei doesn’t know if he should answer. 

“A masterpiece, that’s what they are. Anyway, it happens that someone can like both. ” 

“If you were trying to hide your sexuality you were doing a very poor job about it to be honest,” Kei comments.

Kuroo shows him the finger. Kei snickers. 

“I want to be with you,” Kuroo says abruptly. Kei doesn’t say that he wants that too. It wouldn’t be fair. 

“I’ll be here when you come back to Japan. If we’re both still single and feeling the same, you know where to find me.”

“You will stop talking to me. You won’t call me every week like we were doing until now, I don’t want that.” Kei sucks in a breath, because Kuroo gets him. He should stop being surprised about that soon.  

Kei tries to process his thoughts before answering. “I can’t say I won’t. It will be tough to talk to you like nothing happened and we’re still just friends that know they don’t want that.”

Kuroo sighs. It’s evident he wants to keep arguing.

“You being single for that long won’t happen. You underestimate those legs.”

Kei laughs sadly.

“You overestimate how much a person can tolerate me despite my legs.” 

“Good luck, Tsukki. I’ll bother Kenma to get  me a video of your games.”

*

(Surprisingly for Kei, he gets someone that tolerates him enough. Someone that he likes and that makes Kei laugh. They post some pictures together on social media. 

For a while, the only communication Kei and Kuroo have is through those. After a while, Kuroo stops liking all the pictures where Kei is with someone else. 

It’s some morning after his second year as a Sendai Frog starter that he notices that Kuroo is back in Japan, and they haven’t interacted with each other for a month.

Not talking to Kuroo is still the most difficult thing Kei has ever had to overcome. He said they weren’t friends, but Kuroo was one of the most important people in Kei's life for a while, even if it was for a very short period. 

Kei won’t lie to himself anymore, so he knows Kuroo was important to him from the very beginning.)

*

The Olympics volleyball court is huge and Kei is jealous that he doesn’t get to see it from the inside. 

He, Yamaguchi and Yachi are already seated despite the game being hours away thanks to some VIP passes with early access and front row seating. It helps being friends with two olympic players, three in Kei’s case. 

Yachi is talking about her new girlfriend when Kei feels the seat next to him be occupied. He smiles and greets Akaashi when he sees him. 

“Hi, Akaashi-san.” Behind him still standing and talking with someone on the phone is Kozume. He will say hello to him later. 

“Akaashi-san, hello!” Yamaguchi and Yachi add, both more carefree and content than usual. Kei can’t blame them. They’re there on an olympic court because their friends are professional volleyball players that are representing their country. It doesn’t get much prouder than that. 

Akaashi replies kindly and puts his hand in Kei’s arm to get his attention. 

“I’m sorry if I’m overstepping, but Kuroo will be here in a few minutes and I thought you should know that,” he says. 

Kei can’t say he wasn’t expecting Kuroo to show up, one of his best friends is playing for Japan today. He appreciates the warning nonetheless, so he nods. Akaashi nods back and that’s it.

He loves Akaashi and his ability to always know when Kei needs him to drop a subject.

“How have you and Kojima been?” Akaashi asks. Well, this may get to be another subject to drop soon. 

“We broke up, actually.” Kei isn’t as bitter or sad about it as he was three weeks ago. He wonders if he should. 

“I’m sorry,” Akaashi apologizes. “I didn’t know.”

“It is fine.” Kei shrugs. “I think it was coming for a while. He got jealous of every single friend I had, I hated that he made me choose. He had several hook ups that he didn’t want me to find out, you know, the usual.” 

Akaashi doesn’t usually get mad, oh but when he does, he really gets mad. Kei can feel the tension grow within him and how he is trying to control himself to not say anything too harshly. 

Kei laughs a little bit. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m fine really. And Yamaguchi already punched him.”

Yamaguchi, who is on Yachi’s other side, pops up upon hearing his name. “I did what?”

“Punch the bastard,” Yachi adds, not hiding that she was eavesdropping. 

“That motherfucker,” Yamaguchi says. “I’d punch him again if he was in front of me.” 

“The first time was excessive enough,” Kei says while rolling his eyes. “I already told you, the fact that it didn’t hurt as much as it should means I didn’t love him, he did me a favor on seeing that before it was too late.”

“He still deserved that and more”, Akaashi says. 

Kozume, apparently having hung up his phone, sits down at the other side of Akaashi. 

“I don’t understand how he lived abroad for two years, travels around the country constantly and his sense of direction still sucks.”

Kuroo was on the phone, then. 

Kozume inclines his head to watch them and then says hello to all. He turns to Akaashi. 

“Did you tell him?” Akaashi nods. “Good, because I told Kuroo just now. It wouldn’t be fair if he doesn’t know either.”

“Good morning, Kozume-san,” Kei says. “Thank you for taking me into consideration, but I don’t know why everyone treats it like we were a couple and we can’t see each other.”

Four pairs of eyes turn to him. 

“Weren’t you?” Yachi asks. 

Kei scoffs. Yachi knows their story. He has told her everything in a food and wine induced coma they had some years ago. 

“We never dated,” he repeats. 

“Sure,” Yamaguchi says. “The pining was bad enough and they weren’t even dating. Can you believe if they were?” 

“A tragedy. Hinata even noticed it. Kageyama once asked me what was going on!” Yachi exclaims.

“Damn, Tsukki. Do you know how bad it has to be for Kageyama to notice anything that isn’t volleyball and Hinata making pretty eyes at another setter?”

“I hate all of you.” 

“I hope you don’t hate me.”

Kei hates Kuroo’s timing too. 

“Who are you?” Kei asks. He refuses to have an awkward encounter today of all days. Kuroo smiles cheekily. 

“Tsukki, you wound me.” 

“Don’t call me Tsukki.” 

“Hello, Kuroo-san, would you like my seat?” Yachi asks standing up, Kei pushes her back at his side and sends her a dirty look.

“No, thank you, Yachi-san,” he bows a little. “I’ll be watching the game from the press section. Job perks. I just came to say hello.” 

“Job perks?” Well, if he didn’t want to look interested, this wasn’t the way. It’s not that Kei can’t picture Kuroo as a journalist, it’s the fact that he never mentioned it. 

“I work for the Japan Volleyball Association now. Sports promotion division to be exact,” Kuroo confirms. 

“That explains the suit. Did they hire you because they saw how annoying you are in trying to convince people to play volleyball?” Kei can’t help it. Kuroo is in a suit.

“I mean, it worked with you, didn’t it?” 

He doesn’t have a comeback for it. He is partly right. 

“Children,” Yamaguchi says. “While I enjoy watching my best friend interact once again normally with someone after his break up, this is not the time.”

Kei will strangle Yamaguchi when they leave the court. Kuroo froze at the comment and now he’s watching him with a calculating expression. 

There’s some divine intervention though, because that’s the moment that Bokuto decides to come running from who knows where, Hinata in tow. 

Those are his friends out there, not the traitors next to him. 

“AKAASHI! Have you seen the size of this court?!” He stops in front of them, from the court side. He’s a little bit lower than them, but he still finds a way to hug all of them once he lets go of Akaashi. 

“Man, it is so good to see you!” Kuroo says, with an arm on his shoulders. “We don’t see each other enough these days.” 

“That’s because of our stupid jobs. Let’s quit.” 

Hinata arrives at that moment. “Yes, Bokuto-san. Quit so I can become the ace of our teams.” He greets them all with a wave of the hand, but stops short at Kuroo. “Kuroo-san! It has been so long since I saw you!” Kuroo smiles. 

“Since Jackals last season pre-game I think.” 

“Do you know that Tsukishima is single again?” Hinata asks him. 

“Oh my— You little shit!” Kei hides his face in his hands and exhales loudly. Why is everybody so invested in them? 

“I just found out, Hinata. Thank you for telling me.” Kei wants to spy behind his fingers, but he refuses to give Kuroo the satisfaction. 

“Where is the rest of the team?” Akaashi asks them. 

“They’re already changing. Kageyama would come say hello now if he didn’t have a stick on his butt. He is a little bit nervous, but he will show up to greet you before we start with the warm ups probably.” 

“I should be going now,” Kuroo says to them. Kei escaped the cover of his hands. He’s looking at his phone.

“Hey, we need to get going too. Keep an eye on Miya’s twin when he appears? Atsumu doesn’t know he will be here. Apparently it’s a big surprise, his seat is the next one to Kenma.” 

“We will,” Yachi assures him. She smiles at them. “Good luck! You’ll crush them!” 

*

He’s happy. He is in a penthouse roof with his friends in some kind of congratulatory party for the medallists. His friends are Olympic silver medallists, and he is so happy. 

Maybe a little bit drunk too.

He has been talking with people from other countries, he has been laughing with his friends, crying a little bit at Akaashi’s proposal to Bokuto after they won the silver medal in the middle of the court —he will deny it if someone asks—, everything was perfect. 

Right now he is happy because on that roof he has the man he loves the most in his arms. They’re supposed to be dancing, but he doesn’t think it looks like that to outsiders. 

Kei is laughing because Kuroo is telling him the fourteen plans Bokuto had to propose to Akaashi, before the latter ruined them all. There was one where they had to ride horses and there was some kind of mermaid costume involved? Kei can’t keep up. Everything is too funny and Kuroo’s voice is the softest he ever heard it, his mouth so close to his ear. 

“Did I ever tell you I love your laugh?” 

Kei shakes his head, he shouldn’t have because now he is dizzy.

“Well I do. I’m telling you now.” Kei thinks there’s something he needs to say to that. Something that they both won’t like, but it needs to be said.

“I’m drunk,” he says. Kuroo holds his hands. 

“I know. I’m a little bit drunk myself.” Thankfully, Kageyama appears with a Hinata hanging on from his neck, he’s giving water bottles to everyone. 

“I don’t want everyone to forget the day we won a silver medal.” He was the one who took it the hardest, having lost the gold to the team that had Oikawa as his setter. Apparently Hinata took it upon himself to make him feel better. Kei keeps seeing him smile more comfortably as the night advances.

Kei and Kuroo take the water and go sit somewhere near the edge of the roof, there is a gentle breeze going around. It takes almost half an hour for the water so start sobering them up.

Kuroo is swaying his legs. Kei remembers his hands on his waist not too long ago when they were dancing. 

“You said you love my laugh,” Kei says, taking courage. “Can I remind you that I’m single again?” 

Kuroo winces and stands up. He kneels in front of him and puts his head on Kei’s knees. His voice is muffled when he speaks, but Kei hears them very clearly. 

“I’m seeing someone.”

Kei hears them like needles in his chest. He may still be a little bit drunk because he starts laughing. He experienced crying from laughing before, never laughing from pain.

“This feels like a joke.”

“They have been really hurt before, I promised things I shouldn’t have maybe, but I can't. I can't right now.” Is Kuroo crying against his leg? Kei doesn’t know for sure. He feels like crying now. And he was so happy.

“I’m sad that nothing will happen.” 

Kuroo hugs him tight. 

*

(They leave the next day. Each of them to their respective cities. 

Kei lives in Sendai, working for the museum. Who knows where Kuroo lives.)

*

He receives a call a few weeks later when he’s scrolling through instagram.

Bokuto posted a picture of the four of them twenty minutes ago. It was taken some time after Akaashi proposed. They look so happy. Bokuto is smiling so big to the camera and Akaashi has his head bent in a laugh along with Kei. They were laughing at something so stupid that Kuroo had just said. 

Kuroo is looking directly at him. And the look on his face —Kei saw that and had to close the app for a moment, immediately opening it again. He never felt so loved in his dumb life and it is just a picture. 

Maybe he is right. Maybe they can make it work.

He takes the call without thinking, swiping on the screen to make the buttons disappear, so he can keep watching. 

“Tsukishima?” Kei frowns. That’s Kozume’s voice. 

“Kozume-san?” 

“Hi. Sorry I called you, but Kuroo’s been in a car accident.”

*

(He once told Hinata that he can't compensate for his height with feelings. 

He regrets it now, he wants to go back to that scared and hurt child and tell him he's wrong. Those feelings sometimes are the only thing someone has to keep going.

Life is utter shit, having some strong feelings about something or someone kinda compensates for that.)

*

Kuroo makes a full recovery. He was never in a high risk of dying, but having some cracked ribs, a broken leg and several other bruises is not easy for navigating his busy life.

Kei arrived in Osaka where Kuroo was hospitalized and waited for him one day until they let him go, promising he will do his therapies at home. Kuroo has been living in hotels and air bnb’s since he got this new job. Never staying too much on one site. 

He was supposed to stay with Kozume. But Kozume has a gig in the US for some gaming company, Kei didn't pay too much attention. Bokuto and Akaashi were on some post-we-just-got-engaged-trip. Kuroo, for how much he always liked to chat people up, didn’t have any other close friends that could accommodate him.  

Kei is taking him back to Sendai, until Bokuto and Akaashi arrive in three days, that's the sooner they could get a flight back. 

Kei never mentions the picture for those three days. He helps him get in and out of the shower, they order food, they watch movies. Kei calls the museum and tells them he is still sick (he doesn’t want to give them any other explanation. They tell him to take the week off).

It’s the last night that Kuroo will be staying with him when they talk about it. 

“You know this could be our life, don’t you?” Kuroo is sitting on the couch, broken leg perched on the pile of books that work as a coffee table. He is looking at the TV, Kei is standing in the kitchen area looking for something to order on his phone. “Us ordering food, eating together after a long day of work. Playing with our cats, —because we'd have cats, i’m not giving up on that too—. Having sex on the couch after we took the cats into another room.” 

Kei doesn't even look at him when he replies. 

“You’re allergic to cats. Also you're not single, remember?"

“Well it happens to be that I am. And I can always take some medicine for the allergies. That’s the least of our concerns.” Kei sighs, leaves the phone on the table and walks over to where Kuroo’s sitting. He sits on the books and puts Kuroo’s leg over his, he starts massaging Kuroo’s knees above the orthopedic boot he’s sporting. 

“You’re right. Our concern keeps being the same one. There’s always bad timing for the two of us,” Kei keeps going. “For starters, I live in Sendai, you don’t even live in a single place in Japan. You will be gone for the next year to prepare for the next olympics, live in France for who knows how long. Yes, I know about the good news,” he adds when Kuroo tries to interrupt him. 

“I think we can make it work,” Kuroo pleads. He stops Kei from massaging his leg and holds his hands. “I love you.”

Kei wants to cry so badly. He wants to laugh. He wants to kiss the living hell of Kuroo.

"Love isn't enough sometimes," he says instead. 

Kuroo looks at him like he’s been slapped. He doesn’t let go of his hands though, instead he grips them harder, more desperately. 

"Fuck you, Tsukki."

"Are you going to tell me that I'm wrong? Come on, do it. Prove me wrong, I beg you to prove me wrong. I will hold onto whatever little excuse we can come up with to be with you, but what about when we run out of those?" Kei is trying to keep his voice down. He wants to scream that he is doing this for both of them. They care too much about each other. 

"So you need excuses to be with me now?"

"That's not— I am not good enough for you!"

"I don't need you to be good enough!" 

"Well I do." 

Kuroo keeps holding his hands. 

“I don’t get it, Tsukki. I really don’t.” 

Kei tries to get away from his grip, but he can’t. It’s starting to hurt. 

“I feel like every time I convince myself that I can be with you, something terrible happens. I know I’m not being rational, but receiving that call from Kozume-san… When you’re not very far away, I’m dating someone else, or you are, for that matter. I’m exhausted from loving you since forever and never being able to be with you properly.” Kei can feel his eyes starting to burn, he doesn’t want to cry. “And on top of that, I’m a mess. Haven’t you noticed? Maybe you love me because we never spent more than a month in the same city. I’m terrified of what you’ll find out once you get to spend more than a week with me.” 

“Kei…”

“Don’t.” 

“I have spent three days next to you and I fell even more in love with you.” 

“Feelings can’t compensate for whatever you’ll be sacrificing to be with me.” 

“Is this because of a stupid job?” Kuroo finally lets go of his hands. 

“It is about everything. Haven’t you been listening?” Kei stands up, now that he is free, carefully putting Kuroo’s leg on the floor. He needs air, he needs to breathe. The pressure on his chest is too much. 

He opens a window and stands next to it. 

“Tomorrow when Keiji and Bokuto arrive you’ll go with them. And we’ll never talk ever again. You’ll forget about me. I’ll forget about you, I can stop any feelings I have for you.” Kei doesn't say that he has been trying for years unsuccessfully. 

Kuroo doesn’t say anything else. He just stands up and walks slowly to the bathroom. 

The door closes slowly the moment Kei starts crying. 

*

When Akaashi and Bokuto arrive, they don’t say anything to each other either. They said  they would be there by nine. They’re there by eight.

Kei has his hands behind his back. Kuroo is holding onto Bokuto and leaving the apartment without looking back. Akaashi has Kuroo’s bag on his shoulder. Apparently he already knows what happened the day before because they don’t encourage any interaction. 

Bokuto smiled sadly at him and told him not to be a stranger, and that he will see him again. Everyone forgets how smart and perceptive Bokuto is. Kei doesn’t. Bokuto already knows they won’t be talking much from now on. 

“This is dumb,” Akaashi says once the other two leave. “Please, tell me that I got it wrong and you won’t stop talking to  us too. You didn’t break up.”

“No. There was nothing to break up,” Kei admits with a shrug. “But I hope you understand it, I’m tired. We need to close this chapter once and for all.” 

“You’re making a mistake, Kei.” 

“I wish you the most lovely wedding, you two deserve it.”

*

(It’s a year later when he is packing to leave Sendai. 

He got a job offer for the National Museum of Nature and Science in Tokyo. He hesitated on taking it because it’s  a three month probation period, and he would be leaving behind a very good job, a very promising career, his position on the Sendai Frogs. 

But Tokyo. He pretends he doesn’t know why he chose it.)

*

They don’t cross paths. Kuroo is back in the country after a brief Parisian summer getting to work for  the Olympics. He left because of different ‘ideological interests’, according to his twitter. And his fans. Apparently Kuroo has a big following on the app among all the volleyball junkies, not only because of his work with the JVA, but because he is always talking with big names on the sport. 

After speaking with Hinata the day of the move, he helf off only two days before stalking Kuroo’s twitter. Then he went to Akaashi’s public instagram, who  only posts photos of books and his travels. Bokuto isn’t allowed to manage his own instagram page, after accidentally starting a live video  during the Jackals private training session. Hinata and Kageyama were fighting at the time, there was a lot of trash-talking involved. 

Kei was the one who decided to stop following every single one of them, and even mute those Kozume’s hashtags fans kept constantly trending, somehow they were always talking about the handsome friend of Kozume-san who occasionally appeared on his streams, making him eat. 

Kei cut all communication with them except for his former teammates from both teams. He thought it was going to be easier to forget. 

One year later, and he is still loving the same man as he was at fifteen. Pathetic. 

After two months in Tokyo he couldn't take it anymore. 

He hates it. He hates the city, he hates his new job with so much more bureaucracy and the stupid cowokers. He misses his old job, he misses his old team and he misses Sendai. Back there, he was very close to his parents’ house, only one bus ride away, he was at walking distance from his brother, Yamaguchi and Yachi.

Living in the same city as Hinata and Kageyama is great, except they don’t see each other as much. Almost the same as when Kei lived in Sendai because they can never coordinate schedules. 

He thinks he’s handling it very well until he takes a weekend to go visit Akiteru and Yamaguchi. Yachi is currently at her girlfriend’s parents' house. 

When he is leaving his brother’s house to go meet Yamaguchi, he receives a message from his friend telling him he won’t make it. Something came up last minute and they needed him. 

Kei sends him a sad emoji and a fighting sticker. 

He could succumb to his foul mood, to his anxiety. Or go enjoy the places he loves in Sendai. He may be growing and becoming kinder to himself, he thinks, because he decides to go visit his former teammates.

He knows the schedule hasn’t changed and he still has it memorized. 

He bypasses the security guard like an old friend and he goes into the gym like he never left. They’re training three on three on different parts of the double court gymnasium. 

He is about to yell at Koganegawa that his form sucks as the man's about to set a ball when he sees him. 

He may be hallucinating because of the nostalgia, but no, the fucker is standing with his back to Kei, that awful hair and a Sendai Frogs Coach team jacket on. 

Kei feels enraged and starts walking in Kuroo’s direction. He doesn’t care that some of his old teammates already saw him. He ignores Kyoutani’s grunt hello. He ignores his friends and power walks. 

He is mad.

Lucky for Kuroo, Kei can’t ignore his old coaches and managers because they’re his seniors and he wants to keep them on his good side. 

“Good afternoon, coaches,” he bows. The coaches look surprised to see him, but not less excited about it. Kuroo freezes and doesn’t turn. Kei can see him tremble a little bit. Good, he thinks.

“Tsukishima! It’s so great to see you here.”

The assistant coach who never accepted his resignation to the team lights up. “Are you back for good, Tsukishima-san?”

He doesn’t reply. He just smiles and with his best ‘I am bullshitting the authority’ face he says: “May I speak with Kuroo-san?” 

Kei doesn’t wait for a reply and just takes Kuroo’s arm in his hand and directs him out of the gym to a nearby garden that should be empty this time of the day. None of them say anything until Kei stops walking, Kuroo is smart. Kuroo knows he should shut the hell up now. 

He turns and he stops very close to Kuroo. 

He will start yelling at him any moment now. Except the moment that Kuroo locks eyes with him, Kei is moving forward and kissing him. 

He locks his hands behind his head, while Kuroo’s arms get around Kei’s waist. 

He misses him so much. He is never going to be able to stop thinking about Kuroo and his lips, why the fuck did he insisted on never talking to him again?

Kuroo makes a desperate sound when Kei starts pulling his hair a little bit and he can’t take it anymore. He needs— he needs Kuroo. 

They keep going for a while, until Kei hears someone cheering at them. And someone else yelling —probably Koganegawa— “WHAT THE FUCK. IS THIS ALLOWED?” 

They stop because Kuroo starts laughing too much to keep kissing him. Kei keeps one of his hands on Kuroo’s hair and the other one is caressing his cheek and just looks. He needs to savor this for posterity. 

“So, you moved to Tokyo when I got offered this job in Sendai”, Kuroo smiles sadly. “We'll always be at the right place, wrong time or right time, wrong place, huh?" Kuroo adds. Kei tightens the grip he has of Kuroo, he won’t let him go. He’s miserable in Tokyo. He will leave everything behind just for Kuroo. 

"Bullshit. I'm tired of that. I want to make it right. This is just like read blocking." 

"Oh, volleyball metaphors? That's low, Tsukki, you know how much it gets to me."

"Would you shut up for a minute?" Kuroo does that thing where he smiles softly at him, like he can't help how much he fancies Kei. It takes a second to register that he probably can't, because Kuroo has always liked him. This makes him wanna try even harder so he continues, "The most important thing is the timing. You can’t jump too early because you’ll start falling before you get to the ball. And if you jump too late, well… the damage is already done, isn't it?" Kei can’t step any closer, but he would if he could. He needs Kuroo to get it. Like he always did. "I've been falling for you since I was fifteen years old and I thought I never got the timing right." 

Kei closes his eyes and kisses Kuroo’s nose. His cheeks. His lips very briefly. 

“But I don’t need to get the timing right. I just need to get you, like you get me every single time we see each other.”

Kuroo's smile could light up the entire country. 

“Tetsurou, I adore you. I want to miss all my chances with you. I want to keep finding reasons to roll my eyes at you. To play games against each other with our ridiculous talented friends. I want to adopt a stupid cat with you, and hear your awful and super loud sneeze every time you try to pet it. And I—” 

“Tsukki, shut the hell up. I want to keep kissing you. We can plan our life together at dinner.”

*

The music in the living room comes from the big flat screen hanging on one of the walls. There’s a playlist showing on the screen, its name is “Untitled”. It shows songs that have been added over a span of several years, 2012 until now. There’s also a tabby cat sleeping over a wedding invitation that has been carefully put over a side table, next to the tv. A little left to the cat there’s a note that came with the wedding invitation. 

Did you think we were going to marry without you in our lives? You moron, I told you not to be a stranger, Tsukki. Hope to see you both soon. Good luck with moving back to Sendai!