Chapter Text
Zoffy looked blankly at his phone screen. Then back up at Ultraman. He pointed at the offending message. “What is this.”
Ultraman, who was used to the frigidity of Zoffy’s brusque tone, was not especially bothered by the five degree drop in the room at the words. “It’s a link. To an app?”
“I’m aware of that, yes.” Zoffy closed the email with so sharp a swipe that the phone seemed insulted. “I’m asking the meaning of it.”
Ultraman was half-tempted to respond with ‘to click on it, to take you to a website, that’s how links work.’ But he also wanted to keep his shoulder in its socket. Instead, he replied carefully: “It’s an app I thought you could use, so I sent you a link.”
Zoffy’s tone somehow grew more ominous. “You thought I could 'use' an inter-planetary alien dating app?”
“What, do you have something against inter-racial dating?” Ultraman was grateful they were in a bar rather than an office setting, or perhaps he wouldn’t have spoken. But as it was, he had the liberty to be offended on behalf of his girlfriend, and to glower at his brother over his drink.
Zoffy quickly backtracked. “That’s not—you know that’s not what I meant. We’ve had this conversation: no, I don’t have a problem with your relationship, and no, I’m not interested in forming one of my own. I’m not available.”
Ultraman pressed, tired of the same answer every time. “I know you feel like you’re too busy for it, but I do think you’d be happier—“
“You think I’m unhappy? Or that the right person could ‘fix’ being unhappy?”
An awkward pause followed.
Zoffy’s phone buzzed, and he glanced at it. “Looks like I’m headed out. Can you try not to bring up this nonsense again?” Zoffy stood, then paused, just briefly. Something he hadn’t done the last couple times Ultraman had tried having this conversation. “I know that you think you’re doing something good for me,” he said carefully, “but that really isn’t the case. I don’t want to start a romantic relationship, nor is that going to change. No more of this, do you understand?”
Ultraman dipped his head. “I’ll see you later then, brother.”
Zoffy examined him a moment longer, as if considering whether it was worth pressing that Ultraman hadn’t actually promised to stop. Eventually he sighed and left.
Instantly Man pulled out his phone and texted the Ultra Brother group chat, realized it was the wrong group chat, quickly backspaced and moved to the group chat that didn’t include Zoffy, then started again. “Well, the app idea didn’t work.”
Seven, predictably, was the first to respond. “told you it wouldn’t work.”
Ace started typing but Taro beat him to it. “Im p sure Zoffy isnt into dadas, UMan.”
“There`s more aliens than just dadas,” argued Man quickly, “just because my gf is a dada doesn’t mean I think they’re the only ones he could date.” He considered, then added, “TBH that might be weird actually”
Now several people were typing. Jack chimed in with, “I still think we should try and find an actual girl 2 set him up with instead of just telling him he needs 2 get out more. Hes not looking 4 more work so it makes senseto make him work as little as possible.”
Seven almost simultaneously said, “yeah dating aliens is a bit more niche, zoffy wouldnt b into that wwwww”
Ace was still typing.
Man bristled. “@7Seven7 It’s not ‘’’niche,’’’ and you’re one to talk, you'd bang a Unitang! Besides, it would make sense if he’s into aliens, he’s been on this planet for ages and hasty n’t met an Ultra he likes enough to date.”
Seven was quick to defend his point. “thats bc he never leaves his office uman, u dont meet chicks in the office."
Ace posted “＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／”.
Taro started typing, stopped, then said, “Tahts p cool big bro haha”
Seven ignored this and doubled down on his earlier point. “send my condolences to ur dada wifu, or is that too niche for u?”
“Ok ok guys plz slow down,” typed Jack. “@7Seven7, @UltraTheMan, if you two are gonna argue then do so in DM, were trying to get a plan here and your getting off topic. This isnt about either of you, its about Zoff.”
“*you’re,” Ace helpfully contributed, then followed with “we’re”
“ahanks Ace”
“*thank”
“**Thanks.”
Ultraman sighed, then sent a DM to Seven: “Ann, an alien, sends her regards.”
Seven replied helpfully with “THATS DIFFERENT”
Returning his attention to the main chat, Ultraman continued: “@ReturnOfJackMan I don’t care abt his preference, I just want to set up Zoffy with someone nice who’ll help him chill a bit.”
Jack liked the message, and supplied, “I still say we find a suitable candidate 2 set up w/ Zoff. @TaroTime see ifyou can get your wife on board w/ this, I feel like we need her on our side.”
A long pause. Then Taro started typing, and a message appeared.
“Hi, wife here! ❤️ I have a few gfs ~Zoffy’s age I can talk to, see if they’d be interested. If any of you boys want to talk to some of them first lmk and I can give you their numbers or set you up in person 🙏”
A brief pause, then several people typing at once.