Chapter Text
“Go be with Jake. I’ll be by the punchbowl. There’s some guys that have been giving me the hairy eyeball all night.” And with that, Lena walked away leaving Hamilton to his thoughts. He glanced around the dancefloor, attempting to look anywhere but at Jake. When he finally did allow his gaze to travel towards the front of the room, Jake was already watching him. This was all too much for Hamilton to think about in such a loud, crowded space and he turned to leave the room, anxiety feeling like a lead weight in the bottom of his stomach.
The next time Hamilton saw Jake, he tried to fight the panic down as they walked across the room to each other.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Jake took a breath, steeling himself for the shitstorm he knew he was about to release.
“I need to talk to you,” Jake said, forcing himself to keep eye contact with Hamilton.
“Me too.” Hamilton didn’t break his own eye contact.
“Yeah, but not here,” Jake couldn’t and wouldn’t have this conversation at the cotillion of all places. It needed to happen in private, where he could contain the blowback as much as possible. He wasn’t certain how everything would play out after he finally told Hamilton what needed to be said, but he didn’t want the whole school and half of the townies to know, either.
Unfortunately, the realization that he’d be having a private conversation with Jake, without the crowd acting as an unwitting buffer, sent Hamilton’s fight or flight response into overdrive. With an unnecessary harshness, Hamilton ground out an apology.
“I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” With that, he turned and walked away from Jake. He made it to the next room before changing his mind and turning back, only to catch Jake walking in the opposite direction towards the restrooms. It was going to be now or never, he decided. If Hamilton couldn’t confront his feelings for Jake, he would always have regrets. Hamilton hurried after Jake, following him into the restroom. He hesitated for a second upon finding Jake at the sink, scrubbing his face with water, but was soon grabbing Jake by the lapels of his tuxedo. Jake was clearly confused. Of course he was. Hamilton had been hot and cold towards him for weeks. First he agreed to ‘go stag, together’ to the dance and a day later was agreeing to go with Lena.
“What are you doing?” Jake’s confusion grew as Hamilton turned away from him and ran down the line of stalls to make sure they were alone.
“Throwing caution to the wind.” Jake barely had time to protest as Hamilton grabbed the sides of his face to pull them together into a kiss. A kiss that sent shockwaves through both boys, one that bled the anxiety and tension out of them as Jake reached up to Hamilton to put his own hands on Hamilton’s face. When they finally broke apart, Hamilton could barely breathe.
“Oh my god! That was—“
“I know,” Jake interrupted Hamilton. “I know, but this is not—“
“It is!” Hamilton broke in before Jake could finish. “We’re gay!”
“Hamilton, stop! I need to tell you something. But, I need you to promise you won’t be pissed off at me, alright? Please!” Jake was about to take a huge risk, but needed Hamilton to know before things went further. If it went badly, Jake would leave at the end of the summer and never come back to Rawley. Hamilton didn’t understand what could be more important than realizing they were gay, incredulous that Jake could want to talk about anything else.
“What? We’re gay, Jake! We just shared an incredible kiss and we’re gay, and you’re worried that I’m going to be mad at you for something you want to tell me?”
“I’m trans, Hamilton.”
“What? What are you talking about?” Jake could tell the words weren’t processing for Hamilton, their meaning wasn’t hitting the mark, so to speak. Hamilton was practically vibrating from confusion and anxiety. Swallowing hard, Jake tried again.
“I’m trans. I’m a man, but my body looks… Well, it looks like a female body.”
“Jake, stop! This doesn’t make any sense.”
“I’ll prove it to you, okay?” and with that, Jake started undoing his bowtie and shirt buttons. “I’m a boy, but I was born in a female body. I hacked into Rawley’s admissions system to change my name and gender so I could have a chance at living as a boy openly, for the first time in my life. I’ve lived my entire life perceived as a girl and it felt like a bit, a part I was playing for other people. But my mother doesn’t know about this, about me, and being here at Rawley is the first time I’ve ever felt like myself.”
Sounds outside of bathroom caught the attention of both boys and Jake pulled Hamilton into a stall to finish his speech.
“Hamilton, this is who I am,” Jake said. Clearly feeling unsure and uncomfortable, Jake undid his binder and showed Hamilton his chest. Hamilton looked down, disbelief and shock written all over his face. In a second, those emotions were replaced with disgust and anger as Hamilton looked back and forth between Jake’s face and his chest. Hamilton backed out of the stall and ran from the bathroom, while Jake looked on, unsure of what next steps he’d need to take.
In the morning, Jake was concentrating on writing out a letter to Hamilton when a loud, determined knocking started on his door. Looking down and realizing that he was in his underwear, without his binder on under his tank top, Jake cursed softly and quickly positioned himself behind his door so he could open it without the person behind it seeing him. Realizing it was Hamilton, Jake allowed him to push his way inside and quickly closed the door behind him. Hamilton paced the room while Jake locked the door and turned around.
“I—, “ Hamilton sighed. “I want to punch you.”
Jake just stared at him. Violence wasn’t exactly an unexpected reaction, but it was one Jake wanted to avoid, so Jake stood in place and waited to see if Hamilton would continue talking.
“I’m so confused, and I don’t understand half of what’s happening. I was up all night trying to work this out. You’re a girl, but you say you’re a guy. You look like a guy. I kissed you thinking you were a guy. I finally thought I’d figured something out. I thought I’d figured out I was gay, but now I don’t know.” Hamilton was inches away from Jake now, looking more bewildered than ready to punch anyone.
“I-I’m not a girl. That’s the point. All of this... I don’t want to be seen as a girl or called a girl or go by a girl’s name. None of that is who I really am. I really am a guy. I can’t help you with your sexuality, that’s for you to work out, but I am a guy who likes other guys. I’m trans, and gay. Maybe you’re gay, or bisexual, or pansexual. I don’t know.” Jake pulled at his hair and leaned against the door. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend on coming here and causing problems for anyone. I just wanted to be myself for once. I was hoping my mom would notice that my letters to her were coming from Rawley Boys and she’d ask me about it. I’d be able to tell her what I’m going through. I thought I’d be here a few weeks and then leave when she found out. But she’s so busy with her work that she never noticed.”
Hamilton shook his head. Things were still unclear for him. It was confusing, because even though Jake looked physically female at the moment, Hamilton was unable to change the knowledge in his head that Jake was a man.
“You’re a guy.”
“I’m a guy.”
Hamilton grabbed Jake’s face again, quickly pulling him into another kiss. Jake didn’t hesitate to reciprocate, once again pulling Hamilton closer and standing on his toes to match the difference between their heights.
Pulling back, Jake knew they still had to talk about things.
“Hamilton, are you sure you want to do this?”
“Jake, I don’t understand a lot of this right now. But I know I like you and it’s been hard enough to stop even before you told me about this. I don’t think I can just turn these feelings off, and I don’t think I want to. I just want to be with you. The rest of this we’ll figure out in time.”
He seemed sincere, so Jake nodded and smiled.
“Okay.”
“Okay.” Hamilton grinned and moved towards Jake for another kiss.
Later that day, they walked to the commons for their English course, and Lena glanced over at them as they arrived together and sat next to each other. She looked a little sad, but smiled warmly at Jake as he took a seat under the tree with Hamilton. After class, she approached them to let them know she was happy for them, but also that she was going to be leaving at the end of the week.
“I hope you aren’t leaving because of us,” Jake said.
“No, I wanted to see what the East Coast had to offer someone like me for school, but I think I’m too much of a California girl to move out here for high school. It’s too far from my family and friends, and if I’m going to board somewhere, I want to be close enough to go home during more than just long holidays.”
Jake nodded in understanding. He’d looked into boarding at several schools up and down the East Coast and further west, but none so far from home that he wouldn’t be able to get back to New York within a few hours of driving or by train. Despite how little it seemed like his mom cared about what he was up to, he still enjoyed being home and knew he’d miss the bustle of Manhattan after too long away.
“Anyway, I just wanted to let you guys know I was leaving. You were both really kind to me while I was here, and I appreciate it. Good luck with the rest of the summer semester, and I’ll leave my email address if you want to keep in touch.” Lena smiled at Jake, still a little heartsick over her crush being attracted only to men. Jake returned her smile and pulled her into a hug, while Hamilton stood behind them trying to keep his jealously in check. Despite knowing that Lena was not a threat to whatever he and Jake had between them right now, he was very aware of her feelings towards Jake. He gave Lena a half smile when she pulled back from Jake and moved towards him.
“Good luck back in California, Lena,” he said as she pulled him into a short hug.
“Thanks, guys.” With her goodbyes finished, she turned and walked away while Jake and Hamilton hung back.
“Are you hungry?” Jake asked Hamilton. “We could head into town and check out that diner.”
“Yeah, sure.”
As they walked towards the latest hiding spot for Jake’s bike, Hamilton allowed himself to sink into his thoughts. After their talk in the morning, they’d needed to get ready for class and he hadn’t had time to think further about Jake and what this meant for them or for Hamilton.
“Earth to Hamilton!” Jake poked Hamilton in the arm, pulling him out of his thoughts. They’d arrived at the bike and Jake was holding out a helmet for him. “You’re not getting on the bike without a helmet, dude.”
“Sorry. I zoned out.” Hamilton took the helmet from Jake and put it on, adjusting the straps so it would sit snugly.
“Yeah, I could tell. What were you thinking about?” Jake was nervous asking the question, knowing he’d been the cause for a lot of Hamilton’s thoughts lately, both good and bad.
“I guess I just have questions about what we are. Who you are? I don’t know anything about being gay or… trans? I understand that you’re a girl, but also a guy…” Jake’s face twisted as Hamilton stumbled over the last part of what he was saying.
“Hamilton, I’m happy to answer questions for you, but I’m hungry and would rather do this with some food and maybe not in the middle of the woods.” Jake was already seated on the bike, and Hamilton cautiously climbed onto the back seat.
“You’ll need to hold on to me if you don’t want to fly off the back,” Jake warned him. Hamilton settled his hands onto Jake’s sides, gripping them lightly. As the bike picked up speed, Hamilton found he had to grip tighter, especially as Jake took to turns and hit the road into town. It was thrilling to be on the bike, but also to be so close to Jake, even as confused as his thoughts currently were.
Sitting at the diner a little later, in a booth that was as secluded as they could be in a small town diner, Hamilton and Jake dug into their meals. Jake sat forward so he could talk to Hamilton in a quieter voice, not wanting the rest of the patrons to hear them, nor Will and Scout who were currently working.
“So, I guess I want to first start off by saying I don’t want you to refer to me as a girl or use female pronouns for me. I know after the other night, it might be harder to remember that I’m a guy, but we’re 15 and I can’t really do a whole lot to change my physical body right now. Mentally, I’m not attached to those parts of me. I don’t think of myself in female terms, I never really have. I’m just not connected to my birth gender. I’ve always wanted to be seen as a boy. Growing up, my mom used to call me a tomboy. I was always playing with the boys and didn’t want to wear the dresses my mom bought me from her travels.” Jake paused to sip his soda and eat a few fries. Hamilton kept quiet, allowing Jake to take his time without pressure. Any questions he had for Jake could wait until the end.
“As I got older, I think my mom grew frustrated with me always refusing to wear dresses and finally stopped buying them. I never got interested in typically girly things like makeup. There was a disconnect between how I saw myself and how the rest of the world saw me. A few years ago, I found myself on a message board for teenagers and someone was talking about being transgender. I started messaging them after reading a few of their posts because they had a similar story to mine. I was already bouncing between different schools, not finding a place I was comfortable or even being asked by my mom why I was somewhere new every other semester. That’s when I decided to make this transfer be one where I’d attend a boy’s academy. I picked Rawley because unlike other academies, the two schools share a name. A lot of boarding schools have partner schools for things like dances and fundraisers, but they don’t share a name. I was hoping my mom would pay attention to my letters and realize they were coming from the boy’s academy, but I didn’t want her to notice it so quickly that I didn’t have a chance to… test my theory.”
“Your theory?”
“That I’m transgender. I wanted to spend time living in this different identity from what I’d been growing up with and see if it fit. It’s confusing for me, you know? Despite everything I feel, it was hard to accept that this might be the answer to my questions. But, after buying the binder and a few guy’s clothes at the store, I was almost instantly more comfortable with my reflection in the mirror. And I filled out the application to Rawley using a guy’s name close to my legal name, and I felt a little freer. It’s only been a few weeks, but I am far happier right now than I’ve been in years. Maybe ever? I’m not supposed to be—“ Jake stopped short of saying his legal name, unsure if this was a boundary he was ready to share with Hamilton.
“Be what?” Hamilton was now also sitting forward, trying to get closer to Jake while he talked. He had forgotten they were in public, and was about to reach out to Jake when Will walked over to the table and asked them if they needed anything.
“Uh, no, I think I’m good.” Jake said, Hamilton agreeing. “Maybe just the bill?”
“Yeah, no problem guys. I’ll be back in a minute.” Will walked away, feeling like he’d interrupted something very, very private.
“Be what, Jake?” Hamilton asked again.
“Be a woman.” Jake tried to recover himself before Will returned with their bill, once again not wanting their conversation to be overheard by anyone. Even if Hamilton said he was okay with everything right now, Jake didn’t want the entire town or school to know anything.
As they walked out onto the street, Hamilton asked Jake a few other questions.
“What’s a binder? I mean, the way you talked about it, I assume you don’t mean a three ring binder for school.”
Jake laughed a little at that. “No, definitely not. It’s the thing I pulled open the other day. It flattens out my chest so it isn’t as feminine looking.”
“Huh. Is that why you were patting yourself down that other day when I went to talk to you?”
Jake nodded, remembering the day after he’d forgotten himself and kissed Hamilton on the rooftop. He’d still been getting used to the binder, and wanted to make sure it wasn’t obvious or visible. He was still wearing so many layers over it in an attempt to hide it, but he was more comfortable now than he’d been the first week of school.
“Yeah, I was making sure it wasn’t obvious to anyone before leaving. I probably should have kept my door shut, though.”
“And you scammed the single room so you wouldn’t have to worry about anyone finding out.”
“That, and it was also just really easy to change my room assignment once I hacked into the database. You know, your dad should really think about working on his cyber security.”
“Uh, yeah, I’ll let him know. How does all of this work, like in the future? Will you always have to wear the binder? What about… other things?” Hamilton turned red as he realized he was asking Jake very personal questions. “Sorry, I shouldn’t ask.”
“It’s okay. I mean, I want to tell you whatever you want to know, if I can. I don’t have all of the answers yet, but there’s some options out there for people like me. There’s something called hormone replacement therapy, where I could take testosterone. And there are surgeries if I wanted them in the future, for getting rid of things I don’t want—or making things I don’t have.”
Hamilton had to think a minute about the surgery comment before realizing what Jake meant. “Oh. They can do that?”
“Yeah. Some of it sounds kind of terrifying, but they’re options.”
The boys were back to standing next to the bike. Jake handed Hamilton the extra helmet again, and this time Hamilton settled in behind Jake comfortably and without hesitation. As they took off down the street, Will and Scout were watching them from inside the diner.
“Something’s up with them,” Will said to Scout.
“Yeah. Could be that girl Lena. I think Hamilton had a thing for her, but she kept chasing after Jake. Then she went to the cotillion with Hamilton, but I saw her talking to a couple of other guys without him later on.” Will raised an eyebrow and looked at Scout.
“You really think they’re having quiet conversations in a diner about a girl? You and Sean can’t even say one nice word to each other because of Bella.” Scout shrugged.
Will shook his head. “I don’t think it’s about Lena, Scout.”
In the week following the cotillion, Jake and Hamilton settled into pattern together. They met up before English class and walked to the commons together, arrived at crew practice together, and spent most evenings together either doing homework or just hanging out. Despite not living in the dorms, Hamilton preferred to spend his time hanging out in the common areas of the dorm rather than at home, and most people were already used to seeing him around Jake, Will, or Scout. If anyone thought it was odd that he and Jake spent so much time together behind closed doors that week, it didn’t get back to them. The school was busy getting ready for the Parent’s Weekend, which was also when the first official regatta of the summer was being held. Finn had the crew practicing longer and more frequently to get them ready for the races as the weekend rapidly approached.
Jake was in his room on his computer when the email came in. After finally settling in at the school and meeting Hamilton, the news that his mother was showing up for a parent’s weekend for the first time ever was unwelcome. Jake raced out of his room and down the hall, where Hamilton was watching tv in the common room.
“Hey,” Hamilton said, putting the remote down as Jake flew into the couch.
“My mom’s coming,” Jake responded and Hamilton’s heart dropped.
“Oh my god!” Hamilton turned towards a visibly panicked Jake.
“She takes five minutes away from the stage to come see me, only… I’m not the me she thinks she knows. Part of the reason I even did this was to see if she’d notice, but now I don’t know if I want her to notice!”
“Think she’ll notice?”
Jake turned to Hamilton, a look of incredulity on his face. “She’s self-centered, she’s not blind.”
“If you get caught, you get booted. And then I never see you again.” Hamilton was not thrilled, knowing that because Jake had not been entirely honest in his application to the school, the likelihood that he’d be able to stay at Rawley was slim-to-none once Hamilton’s dad and Jake’s mom found out what Jake was doing here.
“What do I do?” Jake was staring at Hamilton with wide eyes, hoping he’d have a brilliant idea they could use to make this weekend less painful.
“Enroll at Rawley Girls? Go back to pretending to be someone you aren’t?” Hamilton suggested with a frown, knowing it was a terrible idea and knowing Jake would shoot it down immediately. He didn’t actually want to see Jake in that situation. As it was, they were working through the awkwardness of the beginnings of their relationship with enough unconventional obstacles. Seeing his boyfriend in a dress, as unlikely as it was, was something Hamilton wanted to avoid.
“No. Why would you suggest that to me?” Jake sounded hurt and a little angry. Hamilton reached out and grabbed his arm, hoping to keep Jake from storming off.
“I’m sorry. I’m not really suggesting it. I just don’t know what else to say. You could always use this weekend to tell her, but it’ll probably mean you don’t get to stay on campus. You may not even be able to stay a student if my dad hears about it. I don’t know what other options there are for us. For you.”
“God. I have to go and think about this. I’m sorry Hamilton.” Jake stood up and jogged back down the hall to his room as Hamilton watched him go.