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I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo…
I’m still feeling out of place here.
It hasn’t helped, that they wanted to kill me.
The fingers in my face stilled and I open my eyes. And there she is.
She looks at me with questioning eyes. Her hair tangles along her chin, her beanie as always in place. She is so beautiful and a butterfly starts to fly in my stomach and sits down on my heart. I’m head over heels for her.
She is here for me, cares for me and helps me healing.
My head rests on her legs on the couch. The scratches on my face are still burning. After just one day out of the mining hole, everything hurts, but nothing is serious, the doctors said after X-rays and lots of tests at the hospital. Lots of bruises and a cracked rib.
Has she read my thoughts?
»What?«, my voice hoarse from sleeping and dreaming. She smiles.
»You talked in your sleep, babe.«, she whispers.
My face gets warm. That’s embarrassing. I close my eyes again and take a deep breath.
Fuck.
»You, okay?«, there is worry in here voice and I feel fear and sadness radiating from her.
Steph takes my hand and squeezes it softly.
As I open my eyes, I meet immediately her gaze and my heart jumps.
»I don’t belong here…«, I start.
»That’s what you said, in your sleep. Why are you feeling this?«, her voice as soft as a spring breeze. It fills my stomach with warmths. She cares.
»I never belonged anywhere. Even at home, when my mom was still alive. I felt lost. Gabe did his best, but he was older and had his own problems and…life.«, I say it out loud for the first time. I had never told anyone before, not even my therapist.
»You’re not alone anymore.«, she says sincere and I believe her. A tear escapes my eye. It tickles my nose and she catches it with a smile.
»Do you want to tell me more about your feelings?«, she is curious, I can feel it. But I think just ‘Yeah, why not, it might help’. I try to rearrange myself on the couch, but every move makes me whimper and I can barely move at all.
»Okay, you know what?«, she stands up and takes my hand. She helps me walk, my leg still very sore, I sigh in pain with every step. Few moments later we are on the bed, I’m lying on my good side and she is embracing me with warmth from behind.
»The bed is better for you.«, she whispers in my ear and kisses my neck.
I don’t hesitate. I begin to speak and the words come out of my mouth like a river.
»My mom died, when I was ten. My dad lost his job often before, but more so after that. He drank to help him sleep. I think the responsibility for us was to much for him, and after she was gone. It was impossible. She wanted me to hold us together, but I couldn’t.«, I stop, thinking about them all. They are all dead. I am alone, the last Chen standing.
Tears trickle down my cheek, my pillow is already wet and I turn to Steph. My Steph. Her arms around me, trying not to touch the sore spots on my body.
»They are all dead.«, I whisper, another tear escaping.
»You’re not. You’re strong. And smart and…«, I look at her. Her watering eyes are drifting to my lips.
»And what? Alone?«, the sadness in my body seeping through me. I’m infecting her with my grief. I make her sad.
But the soft chuckle she makes, stops my thoughts.
»You’re not alone. You have me and«, she makes a meaningful pause. »I…«, another chuckle, »I’m in love with you, Alex.«
My ears burn into my skull. She, what?
»I want you to know that.«, her now serious tone makes my heart drop.
»You are not alone. You have me. You are traumatized, but you are strong to get even stronger out of it. And I will help you with that. You already made the first step, Alex.«, she looks me straight in the eye and my mouth goes dry. Her lips look delicious, my heart is pounding in my chest, the bruises already forgotten.
I kiss her as hard as I could, without having unbearable pain in my ribcage. She kisses me back, holds me and lays me down into the pillows.
»I have you.«, I whisper, when I catch my breath. Steph nods and smiles with reddened cheeks.
»I believe you, you know? I have barely trusted anyone in my life, but I«, I sink into her dark blue eyes, »trust you, Steph.«
She holds me, what feels like hours. I barely talk more about my past, but I will do that later. When the time comes.
»Why haven’t I got a rose from you on the spring festival?«, I ask into the blue, when I drift in and out of sleep. Her chest against my back makes me feel so loved and warm.
Her thumb stops stroking over my arm and she chuckles, again.
»I was scared.«, simple as that.
»But…«, I’m confused.
»You flirted with me, I know. But I was scared that it was a joke and that you end up with Ryan anyway. The moment at the LARP, when you tried to marry me, I was…Fuck, I was so surprised and I thought: Really??Is this for real??«
Steph speaks quietly and I smile.
»Me and Ryan?«, I chuckle and my side hurts badly.
»Yeah, he likes you. I should have been more confident about us, I mean you literally said you’re into girls. Stupid me.«, she buries her face in my neck in embarrassment.
»Do you need another painkiller?«, she asks seconds later when I move and hiss, a sharp pain stabbing my leg.
»No, just another kiss from you.«, I say jokingly and she is by my side and kisses me slowly.
Yes, I need this.