Chapter Text
One
The last days of summer fade slow and sweet. Ashlyn likes the long evening light. The way the sunset paints stripes of orange and red and gold down the road and across the roofs of the houses she bikes past on her way home.
The shift of light as day turns to night holds no comfort for her this evening though. She doesn’t see the flicker of streetlights about to turn on or the stretch of tree branch shadows or the dawdling pace of people out catching the last of the sun.
Tonight, Ashlyn was numb to it all.
Big Red had broken up with her. He had come over after his afternoon shift and sat down next to her on the couch with a seriousness she had not known in him before. He had sat next to her on that couch—the couch where they had first made each other’s eyes light up with joy as they sang ridiculous songs together with their friends—and told her that he didn’t want this, didn’t want her anymore.
She hadn’t been able to pull more than a few words together. Whys, whats, okays. She had just sat there, agape, her hands clasped so tightly together in her lap her knuckles turned white. Sat there frozen while he told her it wasn’t her fault, that he would quit theater and robotics so they didn’t have to see each other at school. Just like that, their lives, once so intertwined, severed.
And then he left.
Ashlyn had sat there stunned for what felt like hours. She had managed to rouse herself somewhat, the silence of her empty house suddenly becoming deafening.
There was nowhere to go. Gina’s flight didn’t get in until the next day. Her parents were both at work functions for the evening. EJ had driven up to college the week before. But she had to leave. Had to get out of there.
So she had climbed onto her bike and pushed and pushed and pushed herself around the streets of her neighbourhood as the light faded into a starless night.
Two
She almost wishes it was a secret that she could keep locked up in her chest. Hide her heartbreak away.
But, of course, everyone finds out right away.
The first person Ashlyn tells is her Mom. She was tidying up the kitchen after making dinner for herself when her Mom had walked in from her work dinner. Her hands trembling and wringing the tea towel as she tried to nod along to what her Mom was saying.
“He broke up with me,” Ashlyn manages to choke out before the tears she had been holding back for hours burst. Her Mom wraps her up in her arms and they stand in the kitchen like that for a long time. Ashlyn wonders if she will ever stop crying.
“I just don’t understand why,” Gina had said, about a hundred times, while unpacking her suitcase the next day. Ashlyn had curled up in the corner of Gina’s bed, her head resting back against the wall. Maybe if she stared up at the ceiling long enough, the tears would stop.
Ashlyn had spent that entire first night tossing restlessly asking herself the same question.
Why?
What had she done wrong?
When had he stopped loving her? Had he loved her at all?
The dark ceiling didn’t hold any answers.
She had been so happy. She thought he had been too. Is she not remembering things right? Had his smile as they lay out on the sand at the beach not been that wide? Did his hand not reach for hers as they climbed up hills and into valleys on their weekend treks with EJ? Surely she could not be twisting, morphing, all the kisses he had given her?
The first day of school would have been full of the same questions from everyone else but a shield forms around Ashlyn, defending her from any cruel words or nosey comments. Gina must have spread the word because from the moment Ashlyn sets foot on the East High campus her friends descend upon and surround her. There is never a moment where she looks up and doesn’t see one of them. Kourtney links her arm through hers as they walk to class. Gina holds her hand during study period in the library. Stephanie sits with her in history class. Nini stands with her at her locker, her hand resting on her shoulder.
But they can’t stop the looks though, the whispers. Ashlyn is not used to being the centre of attention in any situation, let alone being added to the laundry list of summer misdeeds. Jilted. Left behind.
At least Big Red kept his promise to her. She doesn’t see him the entire day. She doesn’t know if that makes it any better.
Seb and Carlos sweep her up after school and take her to a nail salon downtown.
“Let it out, hon.” Carlos says as they recline back in their chairs as the technicians get to work.
“I—” Ashlyn tries to conjure up the words, scrunching her eyes shut and trying to focus on the soothing movement of the paintbrush on her nails.
“Or you don’t have to talk,” Seb intervenes, “not if you don’t want to.”
All she can really do is keep from crying.
Three
Auditions come around too quickly.
Ashlyn cannot help but think about how it was only a year ago that she had carried around that quiet excitement at the prospect of being a part of her favourite movie. That excitement that had blossomed into a sprawling glow when Miss Jenn had seen something in her that said yes—yes she could bring something special to this show. Craft something with her own hands. Give her a character a new voice.
She cannot help but think about the awe-struck look on Big Red’s face when she had first performed her song for the whole group. The warm surprise of his admiration. She tries to push it down but the memory of his sweet words the day of the Thanksgiving party spring up in her mind unbidden. She used to find such comfort in those memories, the love before there was love. But now what can she find in them?
So she pushes it all away. Walks into the auditorium trying to leave all the rest behind. Be someone new. Someone unburdened.
“Hey Ashlyn,” Ricky comes up to her with those big sorrowful eyes. He was always such an open book.
“Hey,” she tried to smile but she knows it’s a pretty meagre attempt. She roughly puts her backpack down and keeps her gaze fixed on the floor. She can still feel him standing beside her—the concern positively radiating off of him.
“Did you know he was going to do it?” Ashlyn manages, her voice curt and short.
“No, I really didn’t.”
She finally looks back up at him. He’s not trying to comfort her or make her feel any better. He’s an open book. She believes him.
She takes a deep breath and nods. At least she wasn’t the only one who was blindsided.
“You ready for another round of all of this?” She asks instead, gesturing around to all of the eager and enthusiastic kids waiting for the auditions to start. Girls practicing their high kicks and stretching their arms out wide. A group of boys are trying to run vocals in the corner. Script pages speckle the stage floor. Carlos stalks around, the air of authority around him striking fear into even the more seasoned performers.
“Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m doing here,” Ricky laughs weakly. “The other times I was here for Nini. And she isn’t even here this year. I don’t know if I can do this without her.”
Ashlyn reached out and grabbed Ricky’s hand, squeezing it tightly. “Ricky, I see how happy this makes you. Don’t give up on this, or yourself, just yet.”
Those big eyes twinkle back at her.
“You too, Ash. You’re gonna be great. You always are.”
Ashlyn tries to smile back. She has always loved the stage. Losing herself in someone else’s world. Bringing the audience with her. Being with her friends.
She hoped that she could keep that joy, even when her own personal spotlight, the person who put her name in lights, didn’t want to be there anymore.
They all make it through the group warm up in pretty good spirits. Miss Jenn had selected Frozen as their winter musical. Ashlyn had, despite all the circumstances, tried to be excited. She knew how thrilled her friends were for it. Gina had been buzzing since the announcement. Kourtney had been plotting how to do the quick change for Elsa’s dress the moment she had found out.
Ashlyn felt outside of it all, like she was looking in through glass. She stepped up to the middle of the stage for her solo piece, the script for Anna’s lines curled in her hand. She wanted this. She wanted this. But with her heart so heavy it was hard to pluck the naive eager girl out from inside of her to capture the character she was trying to try out for.
The opening chords of ‘First time in forever’ tinkle from the piano just Ashlyn feels it all boil up inside of her.
“Seb,” she calls out, stalling his fingers on the keys. “Can you play ‘On My Own’ instead?”
She locks eyes with Miss Jenn briefly, who just nods at her. The piano transforms from playful hopefulness to a solemn and wistful plea. Ashlyn closes her eyes, lets herself see how the light has been leached out of the bright parts of her heart. Allows all of the broken feelings that had ensnared her for the past few weeks swallow her whole.
On my own
Pretending he’s beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me
Four
Ashlyn won’t let herself be that hopeless, heartbroken girl.
Even if she feels it inside.
She’s still Ashlyn Caswell. Nothing has ever changed that. She goes to all of her club meetings. She gives her all at every single rehearsal. Her grades are still outstanding. She and Gina fill their time with dancing and crafts and laughter. She spends long afternoons at the library on the weekends with her Dad as they ferret out obscure historical biographies. She smiles and sings and laughs.
She realigns herself. Fills in the gaps he left.
Soon enough, she can’t quite remember how she carved out so much time for him. Where did she find the hours to spend goofing around with him and Ricky at his house. How could she have spent so long dawdling home so she can just hold his hand for a bit longer. Why did she make herself stay up so late at night learning how to burn mixtapes on CDs for him so he would have something to play in his old car stereo for every type of weather and mood.
But taking up all the time, patching herself back together, doesn’t stop her heart from missing him.
It strikes her at inconvenient times, the pull, the ache, just when she isn’t expecting it. Wanting to call him. To see his smile. To talk to him. To feel his touch again.
She catches glimpses of him every now and again. Down the end of the hallway. Across the cafeteria. But it’s the ghost of him that lingers with her more. The memory of his fingertips on the small of her back, his mouth against hers.
One afternoon, Nini catches her trying to shake off one of these moments as she is at her locker packing up her things to go home for the day. It’s been almost two months but she is sure that Nini can still see the haunted look on her face.
“Hey Ash, how are things?”
“Oh all good. Midterms are a pain but we’re almost there. You?”
“Yeah, just scraping through my calculus class at this stage,” Nini jokes, her face kind. “I’m just heading down to the studio, do you wanna join for a while?”
Ashlyn perked up at the invitation. Nini had been put on a development deal by the record company Gina’s brother worked for. She had spent a few weeks over the summer out in Los Angeles meeting with different producers and executives to start charting out what her music could sound like. And now that she was back at school, she went to a music studio downtown and worked with a sound engineer there a couple of days a month to work on demo tracks to send over to LA. Ashlyn knew that Nini had bowed out of the musical this semester so she could focus her time on writing more songs and honing her sound.
Ashlyn was endlessly curious about how it was all going and so jumped at the chance to tag along with Nini to the studio. It was smaller than she expected, but full of interesting instruments and equipment. Ashlyn ran her fingers along the controls, drinking in everything around her. She had only ever had her piano and her laptop. Here was a whole new world.
There was only a sound engineer there, a sandy-haired older man with a ponytail and a single long earring. He talked to Ashlyn about the old upright piano in the corner that he had picked up from a second hand store because he knew all it needed was a decent tuning to get the exact sound he wanted. Nini took a long phone call from Jaime, scribbling down notes in a colourful folder through most of it, and then the session began.
Ashlyn watched in awe as Nini went into the booth and laid down a couple of verses of a song she was working on. Even only hearing the barebones piano track she was singing to, the lyrics were beautiful and Nini’s voice so much more mature and stronger than Ashlyn had ever heard it.
In between takes Nini took off her headphones and called out to Ashlyn, “I need to stack some vocal harmonies on this bridge, do you want to record them Ash?”
“You want me on this?” Ashlyn said with disbelief.
“Of course.” Nini smiled, her eyes twinkling “I’ve been building up the nerve to get you to take a listen to some of the tracks. I would be honoured to have your voice on my album.”
And that’s how Ashlyn found herself all set up in the recording booth, a song sheet in front of her and the demo track in her ears. She had layered her own vocals before in her bedroom when she was messing around with her software, but this was something else. Harmonising with herself and with Nini. Watching the engineer play around with their vocal tracks. All the ways they could be blended together.
One of Nini’s Moms came to pick them up around dinner time. The two of them chatted incessantly all the way to Ashlyn’s house — fizzing with the excitement of being able to work together in their songcraft. Nini jumped out of the car to walk Ashlyn to her door when they reached her house.
“Thanks so much again, Nini. That was so amazing,” Ashlyn gushed.
“My pleasure, truly.” Nini smiled, but then her eyes grew sad. “I know you’ve had a tough time lately, Ash. I still can’t believe Big Red would do something like that to you.”
Ashlyn felt her chest constrict and she had to look away from Nini, pinning her gaze to her shoes.
“It might not heal it, but have you tried writing about how you’re feeling?” Nini asked cautiously.
“About what? How I’m feeling alone and completely undesirable?” Ashlyn tries to joke, but the words come out bitter. She even winces herself as she says it.
“I know you know you are so much more than what some silly boy thinks of you, Ashlyn. But I also know how sometimes you can lose sight of that when your heart is hurting. Songwriting helped me with that when me and Ricky first broke up.”
Ashlyn just nodded and assured Nini she would give it a try—facing her feelings and giving them a name. She gave her a hug goodbye and didn’t tell her the shot of panic she would feel anytime she sat down at the piano or picked up her songwriting notebook. How terrified she was to dive into her heartbreak. Because she knew what lay at the end of that road. The awful truth that the boy she loved simply didn’t want her anymore.
That she wasn’t enough.
Five
Most of the time she is fine. Her battered heart keeps beating. Her life is still bright.
And then sometimes it isn’t.
The heartbreak splits her open without a warning.
It had not happened for a long time before that evening rehearsal. Missing him was just a dull ache she could mostly shove down, ignore. Get on with her day.
The evening rehearsal was the return of the ailing Anna to the castle. To be rushed inside to be saved, to only be betrayed. Miss Jenn had them block out the movement of all the advisors, the staff, who would carry her from scene to scene. And then they ran it through. The advisers all rush from the room as she pleads to Hans to kiss her. Ricky moves her to the couch they had placed in the centre of the rehearsal space. Ashlyn huddles against the end of the couch, clutching her cardigan around her.
“A true love’s kiss,” Ricky says softly, leaning in front of her.
She had known this scene was coming for weeks. It had been clearly marked on the rehearsal schedule. She had watched the movie so many goddamn times. But yet it still rips through her poorly mended heart.
Ricky’s fingers lightly tilt her chin up to him, her eyes flutter shut. His words are a knife right through her.
“Oh Anna. If only there was someone out there who loved you.”
Suddenly she isn’t Anna, betrayed. She’s just Ashlyn. Sitting on a couch next to a boy who simply doesn’t love her. Big Red’s stern, unforgiving face hovers in front of her.
It isn’t until she is out in the hallway that she realises she’s left the scene. The sobs overtake her. She can barely catch her breath as the tears keep coming. She leans back against the lockers and tries to pull herself together. She has to go apologize to everyone.
She can hear footsteps in the hallway. She expects Gina, or maybe Kourtney. But it’s Ricky whose arms wrap around her tight.
“It’s okay,” he whispers against her hair. She lets herself be held for a moment and then pulls back, taking deep breaths. Ricky tries a smile and she manages to match it, albeit strained. “You trying to steal my spot as resident diva there, Caswell?”
“Don’t think I’m quite up to it. Being this dramatic is exhausting,” Ashlyn laughs weakly.
“That was a pretty good attempt there but maybe let’s leave the emotional outbursts to me, okay?” Ricky slings his arm around her shoulder as they walk back towards the bomb shelter.
Six
One early Saturday morning, Ashlyn gets on a bus after a couple of drowsy hours zoning out listening to an audiobook she pulls up outside the station. EJ is tall amongst the crowd outside. He waves at her, a big goofy grin on his face.
He drives her around his college town. They stop at his favourite cafe. She sips at her coffee as EJ talks at rapid pace about his classes, his new friends, his social sports team, the local play he’s starring in. He was always the leading man at East High, but here he just gets to be himself. A little too competitive. A little dorky. The biggest heart of them all. She loves that he has found himself and some happiness here.
They wander around the campus. Ashlyn tries to imagine herself walking around the tall buildings, reading in the courtyard, sitting in the sun with her friends. College is a far off thing still, but it is starting to beckon her name. She can’t help the thrill that sings through her as EJ opens his world up to her.
She has dinner with him in the college dormitory cafeteria. It’s a colourful cast of not-quite-teenagers and not-quite-adults. A serious dark-haired girl talks to Ashlyn about Descartes while a bespectacled boy interrogates her about youth disengagement in politics. Ashlyn likes to think she holds her own for a high school junior but it’s almost a relief when they arrive at the party EJ wanted to stop by at and the academic debate is traded out for copious amounts of binge-drinking.
EJ had given her strict instructions to stick with him but she finds herself wandering from his group of friends and onto the makeshift dance floor, lured over by the undeniable groove of Carly Rae Jensen, Robyn, Rihanna, ABBA, and so much more. She jumps around with girls and boys that she never learns the names of. They scream the lyrics to every song. She tosses her hair around and throws her arms in the air. EJ doesn’t even scold her when he eventually finds her in the centre of the dancing. He jumps in beside her, still with no rhythm whatsoever but with the enthusiasm to make up for it.
When she gets back on the bus Sunday afternoon she blears loud music in her earphones to try and hold onto that feeling of weightlessness and freedom.
Seven
“Yes! Perfect! Fantastic, Ricky!”
Miss Jenn claps her hands together as Ashlyn and Ricky move across the auditorium stage. The school orchestra had come in that afternoon to try out a few of the numbers with the actors singing along. Ricky had been working hard on his choreography, Ashlyn could tell, as he spun her around the stage. The joy of their duet filled her face with a smile, her voice jumping along with his.
“Our mental synchronisation can have but one explanation!”
Ashlyn cannot help but giggle as she looks over at Ricky’s attempted robot dancing.
“You!”
“And I!”
“Were!”
“Just!”
“Meant to be!
He took her hand and led her to the front of the stage, each lifting their arms dramatically as they peered out to the empty audience. “Say goodbye to the pain of the past! We don’t have to feel it anymore!”
The instruments, Ashlyn and Ricky all find harmony together. This was it. What she loved. Her voice finding its place.
The orchestra all applaud as Ricky drops to one knee in front of her and she accepts his proposal. He swoops up and gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and a spinning hug.
“What a great way to end the day. Well done everyone, brilliant job.” Miss Jenn buzzes as she dismisses them all, walking out with the conductor to discuss some of the other arrangements. The orchestra all pack up their instruments and start heading out after them.
“Even though I’m going to hardcore betray you at the end, this is definitely more fun than our scenes together last year,” Ricky laughed, plopping down to sit on the edge of the stage. Ashlyn chuckled and sat down beside him. “You had a lot going on outside of the show last year, I don’t blame you for not getting super invested.”
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure an angst-ridden man who doesn’t know how to love isn’t exactly a character you don’t want to get lost in when things are all crazy in your life.” Ashlyn smiles at him.
“Yeah,” Ricky laughed, his breath a bit shakey.
“I don’t know if I can recommend playing a naive hopeless romantic after a break-up though,” Ashlyn admits, her voice still filled with false cheer.
Ricky looks at her.
“You’re doing a great job. You always do. You’re the best of us.”
“You’re sweet.” Ashlyn says, putting her hand on Ricky’s knee. “This show is definitely more fun than last year. It’s nice having less pressure.”
“Yeah, the drop in Miss Jenn’s anxiety levels really helps a lot.” Ricky laughs.
It’s quiet for a while. It’s nice. How this big auditorium she had watched so much as a kid has become another home to her.
“So how is he doing?” She asks quietly. She had managed not to ask about Big Red for so long. And thankfully Ricky would never bring him up. An unspoken truce.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I don’t really see him much.” Ricky’s face turns downcast, his shoulders slump.
“What do you mean? You’re best friends?”
“Yeah, but he never invites me over anymore. We sometimes go skating together still, but he’s been working so much lately.”
“Kourtney said he’s been skipping class.” Well, Kourtney hadn’t said anything to her about it directly, but she had heard her talking to Stephanie about it the other day at rehearsal. That Big Red was pretty much working at the restaurant full time. That he was barely at school. Even with all her sadness and resentment at how he had ended things with her, Ashlyn could not help the tug of worry that had pulled in her.
“Yeah. I think he’s keeping up with assignments and stuff but I don’t know how. I asked him if anything is going on but he just brushes me off. I thought, for a while, it must have just been—” Ricky looks over at her meaningfully. Ashlyn swallows roughly.
“But it must be something else. I don’t know. We’ve never not talked about things before. He’s been my best friend my entire life. And now he doesn’t even really want to hang out with me anymore.” His chin trembles and Ashlyn can hear his voice catch.
“Oh, Ricky,” Ashlyn reaches out and puts her hand over his. It wasn’t the same sort of heartbreak, but she knew exactly how he felt. He look over at her, his eyes shining.
Suddenly Ricky’s hand is on her cheek and his lips are against hers. At first, she freezes. Ricky cannot be kissing her. But he is. His mouth moves against hers and she can hear a whimper at the back of his throat.
Ashlyn pulls back and presses a hand against his chest to stop him chasing after her.
“Ricky…” she says, her voice shaking with shock.
“Shit, I’m sorry.” He pulls right back, she can even see his entire expression close off in shame.
“I just, I don’t feel that way about you.”
He scrambles up and races off. His shoes against the stage floor are loud, echoing around the theatre.
Ashlyn sits at the edge of the stage for a long time. Shell-shocked.
Eight
Ashlyn’s never seen Mr Mazarra cry before. But there are—indisputably—tears of joy running down his face as they lift up the regional championship trophy.
The robotics team are beside themselves at their victory. The robotics team is a curious mix up of overachievers, computer geeks and socially-challenged know-it-alls. But Ashlyn loves them. And they love her. “To our captain!” They all cheer as they sit in a McDonalds on the way home, clinking the soft paper cups together.
I wish you were here, she thinks in spite of herself. The project they had used to clinch the victory had its origins from something she and Big Red had worked on together last year. He helped them get all this way, even if he wasn’t here now. No matter how much he had hurt her, he deserved this win too.
So while they are driving in the van back to Salt Lake she sends him a picture of Mr Mazarra clinging the certificate to his chest while wolfing down a burger. Your design worked by the way. The Judges gave us top scores, she writes, trying not to look up at the bubbles of text that had come months before that.
He doesn’t reply to her right away. Her phone lights up later that night in the middle of the movie she and Gina were watching. She hadn’t told Gina about the message to him so she waits until they’ve both gone to bed before she opens it up.
Glad to hear it. Looks like that victory is all yours though.
She is sure the message is kindly meant. She’s glad he even responded at all. But she cannot help but feel even more alone as she reads the words over and over again before burying her phone under her pillow.
Nine
Opening night is all dazzling lights and nerves and love and that feeling of everything finally coming together. Thankfully, they manage to get through the entire show without anything going majorly wrong. There’s no family crises forcing last-minute cast changes or sabotage. Seb has some mild food poisoning but that just makes his Kristoff even more adorably standoff-ish. ‘Let It Go’ brings everyone to their feet. After the awkwardness following that rehearsal with Ricky, he and Ashlyn had managed to get back on track. Whether their on-stage relationship had more edge was up to the audience to decide.
The entire night was so overwhelming and busy that Ashlyn almost forgot about the bouquet of flowers that had been sitting at her spot in the dressing room when she had arrived that evening. It was not the enormous gesture of the year before, but an undeniably gorgeous arrangement in lovely tissue paper and ribbon. She had quickly dismissed them when she had first spotted them. She had to focus. But the question had lingered in the back of her mind.
Once she had let her parents gush over her in the lobby for ages and got the plans for the after party together, she finally plucked up the courage to check the small card tucked in between pink and yellow petals.
You’re still the brightest star. You always will be.
It’s not signed but she knows immediately it was him. Maybe she should have been happy in some small way, that he still cared, or saddened by how things had changed between them. But she wasn’t.
She was angry.
When she goes back out into the lobby, the bouquet grasped in her hand, the last of the audience were still pouring out of the auditorium. She managed to spot him heading out into the car park, the flash of red at the door.
She stormed after him. The rage burning in her chest, pressing down on her. The cold night air biting at her cheeks didn’t even quell her.
“Hey, Big Red.” She didn’t even need to shout. The parking lot had almost cleared out. There was no missing the growl in her voice.
He stopped walking, his slight frame a silhouette under the streetlight. He turned around slowly. Maybe it's the darkness of the hour, or how long it had been since she had seen him properly, but he looked so much older. Not the boy she knew before.
“Ashlyn.” He says softly, slowly. “You were amazi—”
“No.” She stops him with her hand. She raises up the bouquet in her hand.
“You don’t get to give me flowers anymore.”
Her voice is shaking with anger, but she knows that her words are firm. Her meaning unmistakable.
He looks stricken. His eyes pleading.
“Look, even if we’re not together, I still think that you are best that this school has ever—”
“No.” She stops him again. “You don’t get to say things like that to me anymore. That’s not fair.”
He doesn’t say anything more, just looks at her with a look that is so wretched that if Ashlyn wasn’t boiling with anger she would have wanted to reach out, to comfort him.
Ashlyn drops the flowers. They hit the concrete with a dull thud. She turns on her heel and walks away.
Ten
When Ashlyn opens her Christmas present, a plane ticket to New York City looks back at up at her. She cannot contain her squeal of joy and throws herself at her parents.
The three of them fly out the next day. She clings to her Dad’s hand as they elbow their way through the busy airport. Her Mom puts her arm around her as they sit in the back of the taxi on the way to the hotel.
It’s the best week of Ashlyn’s entire life. They go see a real Broadway show. They spend hours at museums. Ashlyn feels so small standing under enormous, significant works of art. Markings of time. Pieces of history. Small but important. Part of something bigger.
She and Mom walk around the streets window shopping. She loves the bustle of all the people. The colour. The sounds. The beating heart of one of the greatest cities in the world.
Ashlyn feels blinded by it all. When she returns to school in the new year all she needs to do is close her eyes and she can see the lights again.
Eleven
It’s an unremarkable lunchtime in early February when Big Red faints in the middle of the cafeteria.
Ashlyn didn’t even realise how close he had been to her in the line to get the lunch special. She had started to follow after Kourtney to their table when the movement out of the corner of her eye grabbed her.
Without thinking, she drops her tray to the ground and rushes to him. He crumples and she manages to catch him in her arms before he hits the floor.
The other kids in the line all gasp and move away but Ashlyn doesn’t hear it. She gently cradles him to her as she kneels there. He curls in towards her, his hand clinging to her sweater.
“You’re okay, you’re okay,” she said soothingly, rubbing his shoulder. He blinked up warily.
“Ashlyn,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against her shoulder. It’s like everything around them—and between them—melted away. She was holding him close and everything would be okay.
“Hey, let’s get you to the nurse,” Ricky says from up above them.
This jostles Ashlyn awake. She slips an arm under Big Red’s shoulder and helps him to his feet. He’s still a bit disorientated, and no doubt freaked out by the crowd around them. Ricky takes his other arm and the two of them support him out of the cafeteria and down the hall to the nurse.
The whole walk there, he keeps whispering her name. Just like he would have before.
Ashlyn. Ashlyn. Ashlyn.
Once they get him to the bed in the nurse’s office he seems to come too a bit more. He’s ghostly pale still but there’s a bit more brightness in his eyes. He looks around nervously, self-conscious and shy.
Ashlyn sits with Ricky in the visitor’s chairs. She feels a bit unmoored now that she’s no longer holding onto him. She leans forward in her seat, as if she could be right there to catch him if he faltered again.
“Alright, Big Red,” the school nurse flipped open her notebook. “Tell me about how you’re doing. Have you eaten anything today? Had enough to drink? Any idea what could have caused this?”
She watches Big Red’s closed off expression begin to form and then he looks over at Ricky.
“Ashlyn, would you mind just leaving us to it actually?” Ricky says suddenly, turning to her apologetically.
She feels like a bucket of ice has been dumped on her.
“Alright.” She says standing up quickly.
“Thank you. For helping me,” Big Red says quietly, looking down at the ground.
Ashlyn just nods and heads out the door. She can tell when she isn’t wanted.
She doesn’t go back to the cafeteria. Her appetite is gone. She walks and walks and walks and finds herself in the empty auditorium. She sits down at the piano and stays there until she can find herself again.
Ricky texts her while she is sitting in her history class later that afternoon. Big Red was fine. Had gone home for the day to rest up. She tries to put it out of her mind. The pale drawn look on face. The way he just dropped. The way he clung to her and whispered her name.
When she gets home from debating she leaves him a voicemail. Of course he doesn’t answer her call. She just leaves a short message. Says she hopes he’s okay. That he’s looking after himself.
Twelve
The spring morning cast a soft light through Ashlyn’s window on the late March morning. She wishes she could lie around in bed all morning but she and her Mom always hit the local farmers market on a Sunday. Gina has a sleep in and then makes her way to her ballet class while they’re out.
She pads down the stairs bleary-eyed. Her Mom’s already up and about, the kettle boiling. Usually her Mom would be similarly disheveled on a Sunday morning but Ashlyn is surprised to see her already dressed ready to go and her face serious.
“Morning?” Ashlyn smiled at her, reaching up to grab the muesli from the cupboard.
“Ashlyn, honey,” her Mom says in a solemn tone. “Big Red’s dad passed away yesterday.” Her Mom pushes the paper across the kitchen bench to her. The words in the obituary swirl and twist as Ashlyn tries to comprehend them. She remembers the warm smile that he greeted her the first time she went to their house for dinner. His full-bellied laugh that you could hear from any part of the restaurant. The fondness in his eyes when he would look at his son.
Noah Redonavich, Big Red the Second, beloved husband and father. Lost his long time battle with cancer.
A memory tugs at her. She and Big Red lying on the grass together during a lunch break. Him telling her about his Dad’s cancer scare when he was eight years old. How it was the scariest time in his entire life. The fractures it left in his family, in all of their lives, even after he recovered.
Pieces start to slot together in her mind. Not answers exactly, but an understanding starts to form.
On Monday afternoon she and the other theatre kids all sit in the back of the funeral home where they hold Big Red the Second’s service. It’s lovely and sad. Full of treasured memories of a life well lived and the agony of it being cut short. His old friends tell stories about him that make everyone laugh. One of Big Red’s older sisters reads a psalm that makes everyone cry. Ashlyn finds herself looking at Big Red. He sat up straight the entire time, his shoulders only slumping down and his head dropping when his mother got up to speak.
She could only see his face when the funeral had finished and the mourners started to leave to drive to the cemetery. Big Red walks slowly down the aisle after his sister and only pauses as he passes her. She steps out into the aisle and up to him. He’s still looking at the floor, as if keeping his gaze fixed will keep him upright.
“Red, I’m so sorry,” Ashlyn says softly. He finally meets her eyes. She is taken aback by the pain there. The sorrow.
“Ashlyn,” his voice wobbles, about to crack.
Without thinking she opens her arms and he just falls into her. He buries his face against her neck and she wraps her arms around him, rubbing soothing circles on his back.
“I’ve got you, you can let go,” she whispers. She can feel the moment he stops trying to hold everything back. He cries, his whole body shaking with it. But she is strong enough. She can hold him up.