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Tokyo is still alive even at night. Buildings are lit up with different colors as you hear the mixture of people laughing, music blaring, vehicles moving in the distance. You like to think that Sendai has busy nights like this yet more tame than Tokyo’s, though it’s no doubt the nights in both cities are still vastly different from your quiet little hometown in Miyagi.
You and your friends from high school decided to have a mini-reunion here in Tokyo as soon as you learned that all of you were free on the same days. Hinata and Kageyama were having their short breaks from the Olympics training while you, Yachi, Yamaguchi, and Tsukishima had your days off. This leads to your current situation, staying over at Yachi’s apartment before travelling back to Miyagi the next day.
The city lights at full brightness seem so small from where you are standing on the balcony many floors up from the ground that it makes it seem that they are the stars on earth.
Despite the white noise of the city, the apartment is quiet and dark. You’re supposed to rest in Yachi’s room with her for the rest of the night as Yamaguchi and Tsukishima stay in the guest room. Your blonde-haired friend is already sleeping soundly in bed when you quietly exit for some fresh air. Sleep tends to evade you nowadays and this day isn’t an exception, hence why you’re out here on the balcony resting your arms on the railings as you gaze at the busy city.
It’s not often that you would indulge yourself in your thoughts but for these past few days, they’re unbearably loud. You like to think that you’re doing a good job in hiding it, however, you begin to think otherwise since you have an inkling that it’s one of the reasons why your friends decided to do this spontaneous meet-up. You appreciate and love them so much for that, you do, it’s why the guilt is festering inside you even if at the back of your head it makes no sense to feel that way.
Even after all this time, you’re still not used to the fact that you aren’t a burden in people’s lives. It’s hard to acknowledge that people want you in their lives when most of it, you’ve been told and shown the exact opposite. It’s why you’re so used to being alone now because it’s easier to be lonely alone than being lonely with other people. A lot less painful to deal with than them leaving you as soon as they realized you’re not what they perceive at all. Better to have them at an arm's distance.
A long sigh escapes you.
“That’s a big sigh.”
You hear someone say. You don’t need to turn around to know whose voice it was. He is as familiar to you as the back of your hand after all, but you don’t say that especially not to him. The figure places himself beside your own, close but not enough to breach your personal space. At the back of your mind, you don’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved.
The both of you let silence hang for a few seconds before you’re asking him,
“Why’re you still awake?”
The man let out a noncommittal sound and shrugged,
“Can’t sleep. How about you?”
“Can’t sleep either.”
“Hmm.”
You turn around to face him finally just to see that Tsukishima is already looking at you. This catches you off-guard just a little bit as your heart flutters. You try to act that his gaze doesn’t affect you when you know deep inside your heart that he will always have a certain effect on you. To hide this fact, you raise your eyebrows at him.
“What’s with the tone?”
“I just think there’s more to ‘can’t sleep’ than you say”
He says as he rests his cheek on his palm while his arms mimic yours as it leans on the railings. It’s still kind of disarming that he knows you just as well as you know him by now and truthfully you don’t know how to feel about it. You’re grateful that he’s there but at the same time scared to your wits because what if…what if…
Tsukishima shifts closer to you and pokes your forehead.
“Stop.”
And that’s enough to keep your thoughts from spiraling again. He cups your face with one of his hands making you melt when you know you shouldn’t. You unconsciously lean in as you let out a sigh once again. Maybe this time it’s from relief. Even if the both of you aren’t touching each other fully and there’s still a little bit of distance between the two of you, Tsukishima’s presence wraps you in warmth like a blanket. This has always been the case but you try and deny yourself from it because you don’t deserve him, not like this when you’re still a work in progress.
Yet in this moment, maybe you’re allowed to be a little selfish.
You don’t see the way his eyes soften as he looks at you when you close your eyes to relish in the silent comfort he’s giving.
“Thoughts for a thought?” He whispers, uncertain that you’ll take up his offer.
This is where the magic breaks.
You move away from his touch as you open your eyes and look at him. Trying to make yourself small by hugging yourself as you mull over his offer. You’re unsure if you want to spill your inner thoughts to him especially when the said thoughts are connected to him and the worry that comes with your relationship. Because what if you open up and he decides it’s not worth the trouble? That you’re not worth the trouble?
It hurts to breathe and everything feels too much. You close your eyes once more to even out your breathing and then you hear him.
He calls out your name so gently it feels like a lullaby before your thoughts could continue. He moves to take your hand in his as he rubs his thumb as if to soothe you.
“It’s okay if you don’t. I’ll wait until you’re ready. Just…just know that I’m here. Always.” His eyes are full of sincerity.
You don’t know why or how but his words and the look on his face are enough to make you break your walls down.
“I am afraid Kei.” You start.
“I’m afraid that no one will really love me in the end because I’m such a mess and I’ll become truly alone because as much as I love solitude, I realize I hate being lonely.” Especially when you showed me so much , you wanted to add. The tears start rolling down as you furiously try to wipe them away.
“But loneliness has always been something I’ve known that connecting with people has always been so hard to do. What if one day I do and then they’ll leave because they decided I’m not worth it? Or what if I couldn’t give them what they want because of it?”
A pause.
“And when you confessed to me a few days back, I felt so happy but then what if one day you’ll see how much of a mess I am? You’ll realize I’m a hard person to be around let alone start a relationship with. That’s why I ran away that day. And I’m sorry that I did.”
You’re already sobbing hard at this point. Truthfully you don’t want Tsukishima to see you like this a complete wreck because he deserves to see you at your best and not at your worst. You’ve already shown him too much of your weakness, you don’t want to be an added burden on him.
Everything feels so heavy, you just wanted to rest now.
You try to calm yourself down when you feel yourself being pulled in an embrace. Tsukishima holds you in his arms as you shatter into pieces and it gives you a sense of peace.
“Thank you. For opening up to me. Now it’s my turn to give you my thoughts in exchange. So listen carefully.”
His chest vibrates with each word he says and it lulls you into calmness. In the midst of your haze, he speaks,
“Even when you’re crying your heart out on this balcony, all I could think about is how you’re beautiful.”
You can’t help but smile a little at that.
“I’m also not the best person out there, I can be sarcastic, mean, infuriating to deal with. I’m also not that emotionally competent yet. I still have my ups and downs. But I’m willing to change them if it makes me a man worthy of you.”
“I don’t need you to be the best version of yourself in order for you to let me love you. I already am. But if you want to do it I respect that and I’ll wait…forever if I have to. Just let me be part of that journey. My feelings—I know they’re not enough to put all the pieces back together but I’ll hold your hand all throughout every twist and turn if you let me.Let’s grow together.”
“It’s a lot of work.” You pointed out.
“I’m a lot of work. And maybe you’ll even think it’s rotten.”
You hiccup as he pulls away from you, his words making you more emotional. He wipes your tears with his thumbs and caresses your cheeks as he cups your face with his hands, so painfully sweet and gentle.
“Not to me, not if it’s you.”
He looks deep into your eyes, golden orbs gazing with fiery depths.
“I always thought that love was confusing— how it works, how it starts, how it grows— and even now, I’m still not sure what to do if you love someone. But I’m sure if I want to explore it, I want to explore it with you.”
Tsukishima leans in to kiss your forehead and you let him.
“I’m not promising to not hurt you. It’ll be inevitable, I can hurt you and you can hurt me. In the years I’ve lived, I figured that love always comes with the pain even if we don’t mean it to be but I am promising that I won’t let you go. And I’ll be here. No matter what and for as long as you want. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“You’d go all through that for me?” You ask dubiously. Still not believing his words.
“Of course.”
“Why?”
He smiles at you playfully, a teasing glint sparks in his eyes, “After all that you still haven’t figured it out? You’re really slow.”
Snorting, you pinch his wrist but he doesn’t let you go. Instead he squishes your face with both of his hands.
“Because you’re annoying.”
Even as he let out the words, you know he doesn’t mean any malice in them. Quite the opposite, you understand the underlying meaning of his phrase.
Because I love you.
But you also know that he’s aware that you’re not really ready to hear it yet. And you’re not quite ready to say that you love him back as well.
Maybe soon, you hope. Soon, you can say it to him with full confidence.
For now, you nod as you turn your head to kiss the inside of his palm.
For now, underneath the moon who witnessed your secrets and encompassing you with its light, you utter a heartfelt,
“Thank you.”
And you know, he also understands what you mean. The both of you read each other too well at this point in your relationship, whatever it is right now, and you finally let yourself be happy about that little thing. Thankful that you found someone to connect with because how rare of an occurrence that was in life.
The night ends with the two of you tangled in each other's limbs on the couch. You haven’t slept so soundly until this little moment.