Chapter Text
My feet thundered on concrete as I ran towards the Quinjet. They were just getting back from a mission, five hours past the return ETA. Bucky, Steve, and Natasha had been gone for the past couple days. Fury tasked them with saving a group of hostages on a pirated ship and gathering intel on the organization that hijacked it. According to Steve’s last communication - it didn’t go as planned. He cut out before he could explain, so I’d spent the last three hours of radio silence pacing a hole in Tony’s floor.
The jet’s ramp opened, and Steve walked out first. He held his side like it hurt and had a cut on his cheek, but otherwise looked fine. Bucky came out next with a bruise on his left eye. The two super soldiers smiled at me, but it didn’t quite reach their eyes.
“How bad was it?” I asked in a whisper, hugging Steve. He rested his cheek against my head and huffed. Bucky joined the hug too, ruffling my hair. The super soldiers had sort of adopted me two years ago when I joined the team. They acted like two over-protective dads.
Bucky broke the heavy silence. “Pretty bad. We lost two. They were with Nat…” he finished. I looked behind him into the jet, searching for Natasha’s familiar fiery red curls.
“How is she?” I asked. Steve looked at me, his blue eyes dark with grief.
“She’s acting like she’s fine, but - she’s not well y/n/n. I think you should talk with her.” My stomach dropped and I felt queasy. As an Avenger, and a SHIELD agent before that, I was used to missions going wrong. However, I never got used to seeing my friends, my family, come back looking so battered and dejected. Especially not a certain Russian super spy.
During the last two years, Natasha and I had gotten close. We were… friends. Sometimes friends that held each other’s gaze for a second too long, who secretly held hands during team movie nights, or who blurred the line between friendly flirting and something - more. I fought against my feelings for so long. My training taught me that co-worker relationships in this line of work only ended badly. It wasn’t practical. Romance blurred your focus, altered your decision-making, made you doubt and second guess. That could get you killed. However, I didn’t have a choice. I fell for Natasha, slowly at first.
It started with a sudden nervousness everytime she was in the room. I chalked that up to her being the legendary Black Widow, but as time went on that wasn’t a good enough excuse though. The superhero didn’t make me nervous - Natasha did. The way she would hide smiles, only curving her lips a tiny bit, a crack in the Black Widow facade. It was the way her eyes caught the light that sent butterflies fluttering in my stomach, their green speckled with gold under the sun - so gentle and warm. Those two things captured my attention, two small details where the line between her hero moniker and her appeared. I’d gotten a glimpse of the woman behind the red hourglass, and I couldn’t help wanting to know more. Of course, I knew she didn’t feel the same way. She’s Natasha Freaking Romanoff! So, I kept it to myself for the most part. The only people who knew were the super soldiers (basically) my dads) and Wanda.
I looked up at Steve now, my fingers nervously fidgeting with the sleeves of my hoodie. “I’ll try my best,” I murmured.
Then Natasha stepped off the jet. To anyone else she would’ve seemed fine: shoulders back, chin held high, eyes forward. But I knew Natasha. I knew the slight crinkle of her brows and the tight line of her lips meant she was using all her strength to keep herself together. My heart clenched in sympathy. She didn’t even look at me as she passed us by. On the bright side, she seemed uninjured.
“Tash, hey,” I called after her.
“No,” was all she said and headed up to her room. I sighed, feeling like I’d gotten sucker-punched by the Hulk. Two strong arms, one metal, pulled me into another tight hug.
“She needs you,” Steve said. I huffed and nodded, running my hand through my hair. I doubted Natasha really needed anyone, but I would do what I could to help her. Even if that was just knocking on her door and waiting to get drop-kicked across the hall. Judging by her mood, that may be high on the list of possible outcomes.
“Hmm. How are you guys?” I asked.
They looked at each other and then at me. “It’s tough, but we’ll live. She feels it was her fault, so she’s taking it the hardest,” Bucky finished. I smiled half-heartedly and gave them each one last hug before heading to the kitchen.
First thing's first: peanut butter. I set out all the ingredients to make a peanut butter banana sandwich and turned on the panini maker. I worked mindlessly as my mind and heart settled on a certain redhead. Natasha was probably beating herself up over this even though it wasn’t her fault. She took these things personally, though she would never admit it. Everyone thought the Black Widow was cold and heartless, but Natashas Romanoff was one of the most loving and caring people I’d ever met. Despite everything she’d been through. It was one of the things I most loved and admired about her.
“FRIDAY, where’s Nat?”
“I’m sorry, but Agent Romanoff has asked me not to share her whereabouts with the team, Agent y/l/n…” I could’ve sworn the AI sounded disappointed.
“FRIDAY … please…”
A few seconds passed. “She is in her room.”
“Thank you,” I finished up a couple more sandwiches and grabbed a bottle of water. As quietly as I could, I made my way to Nat’s room. Everyone else was asleep.
I stopped in front of the door and softly knocked on the cold metal. “Tash? It’s me. I brought you something,” I said.
“Go away.” Her voice broke around the last word and I winced. I hated when she was hurting.
“Okay. I guess I’ll eat all these peanut butter banana sandwiches by myself then. Maybe give one to Thor…” I heard footsteps in her room. With a small smile I waited a second. The door clicked open, just enough for me to see half her face. My heart broke at the sight. She had changed into a pair of old baggy joggers and an oversized sweatshirt. It was my sweatshirt, I noticed, but didn’t mention it. Her hair was down and messy, fiery red curls framing her pale face. Her nose was a little red too, matching small little lines trailing down her cheeks and ending on the corner of pouty lips. The usually sharp and vibrant green of her eyes looked grayer - dimmer.
“…. The special kind?” Nat asked and I nodded, offering her the plate. She gingerly took it. Her fingers brushed mine and I ignored the electric sensation running up my arm. I shot Natasha a small smile, turning to leave and give her space. I’d barely stepped away when a hand tightened around my wrist.
“Y/n/n wait…” she nibbled her bottom lip, the crease between her brows deepening. “Can you - will you please stay?”
Her voice was just barely a whisper, the words strangled and raspy. I shifted my hand in her grip so that I could slip my fingers through hers. It wasn't the first time we’d held hands, but this time it felt different. The way her thumb ran over my knuckles, the gentle squeeze she gave my fingers - there was a new tenderness to her touch.
“Of course, Tash. Come on, let’s put a movie on yeah?” Natasha nodded as we walked into the room.
She sat on her bed cross-legged, the plate of food in her lap. She nibbled at the sandwiches, that familiar tiny smile curling on her lips. For the first time ever, Natasha looked small. It was so unlike her. She always stood so tall, confident, and immovable, like a mighty mountain. In this moment though, she looked vulnerable. I felt a sudden warmth wash over me. She trusted me enough to show this side of her. It made my heart flutter as I put on a random holiday hallmark movie, but I ignored it. Tonight was about being a good friend to her. Nothing more.
“Do you… want to talk about it?” I asked quietly, sitting down next to her. Natasha stared at the sandwich in her hands.
“I - I don’t know how.” The exhaustion and helplessness, the raw honesty in her voice made my heart ache. I scooted closer to her, and she took another bite of her sandwich.
“That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it if you’re not ready. How’s the sandwich?” The Avenger didn’t say anything for a while as she finished. Then she shakily placed the plate on her nightstand before a sob wracked her body. “Oh gods, Tasha, I’m so sorry.”
Gently, I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. Natasha shook violently and snuggled into my chest, her fists clenched around the fabric of my shirt. I blinked back my own tears as I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
“I couldn’t save them y/n. I was right there and it just - it happened so fast. I - I couldn’t,” she choked on her words, another broken cry ricocheting off the bedroom walls. With one hand, I cradled her head against me as the other rubbed circles on her back.
“It’s not your fault Natasha. I know as well as everyone else on this team, that you did everything in your power to protect them. It’s just -” I sighed heavily, cuddling her into my chest. “We can’t save everyone, Solecito. No matter how badly we want to,” Tasha buried her nose into the crook of my neck, hot tears falling on my skin. I hated seeing her like this. I hated that she was in pain. I hated that I couldn’t take this burden away from her, that I couldn’t just fix it. But sometimes we can’t fix things, we can only hold each other as we heal. I hoped that, for tonight, that would be enough.
Natasha continued to shake in my arms, her muscles painfully tense as waves of grief tore through her. “Y/n/n… maybe if I had been enough, if I was like the others, like you-”
Something in me snapped at hearing her words. A visceral sort of pain and indignation at the idea that this incredible woman in my arms had really thought about herself like that. I slowly pulled away, holding her shoulders.
“Natalia Alianova Romanova, listen to me,” at the use of her real name her eyes widened and she took a staggering breath. “Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that. You are always enough, you are more than enough! You’re the most incredible person I have ever met. Natasha, you’re so brave, brilliant, and talented. You are kind, caring, loving, and determined. God, I could go on forever. I mean, sure, you’re stubborn as rocks but-”
Natasha chuckled a little at this. I moved my hands to cup her cheeks, noticing how they looked a little pinker than before. My thumbs delicately dried her tears.
“You’re the most amazing person I have ever met. Some of us might have powers, but none of us have as strong and kind of a heart as you, Nat. That’s your superpower: your humanity.” At this point I could feel my own tears streaking down my face.
Her face was unreadable. Not because of the blank expression that often characterized the Black Widow, but because there were so many emotions passing through all at once. Her brows were furrowed again, making that little crease that I always wanted to smooth away. The green in her eyes had melted into different shades, like a mosaic: golden flecks there, a touch of blue here, and a stripe of gray catching the moonlight. Her lips were slightly parted, the tiniest breath falling from them. I couldn’t look away. The intensity of her gaze, of the moment, pinned me in place. My heart thumped furiously in my chest; I was worried the whole compound could hear it.
A single movement: swift, graceful, and cataclysmic. Natasha kissed me. Sparks flew off my ears, a fire flashed in the room for a second, but Natasha didn’t falter. Her soft lips moved gently against mine, tender touches telling of so many things: gratitude, yearning, hunger - love. I kissed her back, pouring everything I felt for her into every motion, every tug and pull. Through the dance of our lips I asked her to see herself like I saw her, I painted her in my perception, I told her story from my point of view.
She tangled her fingers in my hair and I wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling us closer, anchoring into this moment. Soft sounds filled the room: a shy chuckle, a stuttering breath, a tiny sniffle. Eventually, the need for air drove us apart, but we stayed close, foreheads pressed against each other. We stayed there, breathing in sync.
“Did you really mean that?” Natasha asked, her nose brushing against mine, her breath falling hotly between us. I pecked her lips once more.
“I did. Every word,” my hands were shaking. I’d never known anything to be more real and true than the way I felt about her. Natasha whimpered and I felt a tear drop on my chest. I pulled away to look at her. She looked radiant: eyes shimmering like opals, lips a little swollen and red, hair a complete mess. She was perfect.
“Why are you so nice to me?” she asked. At that I really couldn’t help but laugh. It was deep and rich, blossoming in my chest from all the love I had for her, the love I had buried for months, the fire I had tried so hard to snuff out. I finally let it burn, the warmth settling deep in my bones.
It went on long enough that Natasha swatted my arm. I wiped my tears away on my sleeve and looked at her, a stupid grin on my face.
“Isn't it obvious, Princesa? I love you,” I said. Natasha’s cheeks colored a shade of pink I’d never seen before. I tried to burn the image into my heart, to cherish this memory of her looking so impossibly beautiful.
She looked down at her hands, fingers fidgeting with the sheets.I curled my pinky around hers. Nat’s eyes met mine and my breathing faltered. They held a love and tenderness that burrowed into my chest and mended deep cracks in my heart, wounds so old I had forgotten they existed.
“I love you too, dorogoy,” she mumbled. I grinned like an idiot. I was an idiot, but still. Natasha Romanoff had just called me sweetheart. The grin morphed into a teasing smirk.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” I asked, and Natasha looked at me with eyes narrowed.
“You’re fluent in Russian too, y/n,” she said, one eyebrow arched in a “I-know-your-games way”.
“No, I know that. The first part though. I didn’t quite hear you,” I cupped my hand over my ear, leaning closer to her.
Natasha laughed and playfully shoved me. “You also have super hearing.”
I laughed along with her and shuffled a little closer. I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t move. I just sat there, grinning and staring at her. She turned her head to the side a little, in that way confused puppies do. She looked suspicious of me. Smart woman.
“Y/n/n, what are you thinking?” she asked. I sat there for a moment longer before launching myself at her. We fell backwards in a heap as I peppered kisses all over her face. They were loud and obnoxious. I kissed her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her chin, and every inch of her face while my hands tickled her sides. One of the best-kept secrets of the Avengers was that the Black Widow was, in fact, ticklish. She just usually did a great job at hiding it, but at the moment, she didn’t. She let herself laugh, giggle, and just be. I loved it. I loved being able to provide her with a place where she could be herself fully, could be Natalia as much as Black Widow.
Eventually, mercy overtook me and I stopped my attacks. Instead, I hovered over her. Her eyes were slightly crinkled at the edges from laughing so much, happy tears now trailing from them. Her cheeks were as rosy as ever, almost glowing. The smile left me dizzy though. I didn’t see it often, this brilliant, carefree smile: all pearly teeth and the slightest hint of a dimple on her right cheek.
Natasha cupped my jaw, her thumb caressing the soft skin there. “You’re a dork. Thank you. For everything,” she said. Her voice was quiet, in that low pitch that left me seeing stars.
I leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips, as softly and lovingly as I could. “You’re welcome,” I sat up and held my hand out to her. “Now, I may be a dork, but I’m your dork.”
Natasha smiled shyly and took my hand. I tugged her close, snuggling into the bed and wrapping my arms around her. Natasha sat in between my legs, her head resting on my shoulder. I hugged her tight and pulled the blanket up to tuck her in. She hummed in response, burrowing further into the crook of my neck.
“You’re so warm,” she mumbled and I kissed her head. With a little concentration, I warmed my hands up just a bit as I ran them up and down her back. “Mm, that’s nice.”
I chuckled, nuzzling my nose against her temple. “Glad you're comfy, because we gotta finish this movie. It’s cheesy as heck, but I need to know what happens.”
We watched a little more of the movie in silence, though I wasn’t paying much attention. Every few minutes, I would give Nat another kiss or cuddle her closer, even though at this point she was mostly on top of me. I couldn’t believe it. I was finally with her in a way I never thought possible. It was new, and yet so familiar. It felt like coming home.
“Hey Tash?” I whispered.
“Hmm?” came the sleepy reply.
“How was my sandwich?”
Natasha laughed and kissed my cheek. “It was perfect… you’re perfect.”
My ears sparked a little at that, and I groaned in embarrassment which just made her laugh harder.
“I love you, dorogoy.”
“And I love you, corazon.”