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Chapter Text

One day Rivers Cuomo was making a sandwich until all of the sudden, the FBI broke down his door. That was when he began to wheeze loudly and fell down dead. An agent walked into the house and asked, "Can I have your sandwich m8?"

Rivers, being dead, did not respond. The FBI agent turned to the other and took off his disguise. Under the disguise was Matt Sharp, still hungry for the sandwich. All of the sudden, they realized that it wasn't Rivers Cuomo who had died, it was a robot in a skin suit!

The real Rivers Cuomo stepped out of the shadows with Chris and Andrew Cuomo saying "Weezer is no more, now there is only Cuomo." Then a tornado hit the house and blew the sandwich away, leaving Matt to starve.

Matt scoured through his icebox, but it turns out that someone's Heineken was crowding it. While he was searching the icebox, the Cuomos beat him up, blaming him for the destruction of the house. But then Matt took off his mask and revealed he was really Obama!

He said, "My fellow Americans. I am starving. Please help."

Suddenly a UN helicopter flew over and dropped a pallet of food directly next to Obama. He said, "My fellow Americans, you have failed me" as he began to eat the MRE's. After he was done licking his lips, Obama visited Germany, giving a speech before the entire country.

"Ich bin ein Berliner," he said, and there was silence, the entire country was stunned by his inspiring speech.

The story now returns to the ruins of Rivers Cuomo's house where he stands with his new band, The Cuomos.

Will Rivers ever eat his sandwich?

"No" says the narrator, "it was destroyed by the tornado".

Rivers yells, loudly, "MY SANDWICH! NOOOOOO!" It was personal now, he needed to assassinate Obama with the 4 artifacts of Weezer. With the power of the artifacts, not only could he assassinate the president, but he would be able to retrieve his lost sandwich. However, Rivers would have to beat Obama to them, which he was sure to pursue.

He then received the news that Obama had been revealed as a robot impostor when he tripped and made a loud clanging noise after his speech ended, his secret had been revealed and he didn't need to hide it anymore. Robot Obama stared towards the sky, and then he launched, robot Obama was coming back to fight him and the other Cuomos.

Rivers looked in the sky, seeing a streak in the air, Robama was already coming for him, he couldn't lose, the fate of his sandwich was in the air! Suddenly, Andrew Cuomo said "you're on your own buddy, I'm resigning from the band just like I resigned from governor." He then walked away

Rivers would have protested, but with the imminent threat of Robama coming his way, he ignored him and pulled out a megaphone from his back pocket. Then, with as much power as he could muster, he yelled,

"Robama, you may not get the Weezer artifacts! You do not want to fight me, this is your warning."

The streak in the air suddenly stopped and began to lower to the ground, "You do not want to fight ME, for I am all powerful," Robama screamed back. He lowered to the ground and stared menacingly at Rivers!

Rivers, outmatched by the pure power of Robama, was forced to flee. With the help of a fat Italian plumber, he managed to get away! His only hope now was to recruit help from the plumber and his friends and to find the artifacts before Robama got to it, after which he would be unstoppable.

After an intense training montage with a Green Dinosaur and an Italian plumber, he was ready!

The first step to getting the sandwich was to obtain the first artifact, a sweater, guarded by Joe Biden. He decided some green dinosaur would be a great companion, and set off to retrieve the artifact, but then, all of the sudden... he needed a bathroom break!

While in the bathroom, Rivers considered his options. The artifact was on an island, like all other artifacts, and this one was off the coast of Newfoundland; however Rivers did not have a passport and he was insecure about his Canadian accent. Thus, he decided to steal a cargo plane and parachute out into the ocean to obtain the sweater, but before he could do that he needed to take a nap, he was getting tired. Chris Cuomo wouldn't stand for this and put him in the car and began driving to the Los Angeles International Airport.

In the car Rivers slept, and wondered where the green dinosaur went. At last they arrived at LAX and Rivers was rudely awoken when Chris rammed the car through the fence and onto the runway. Chris and Rivers hopped out of the car, and hijacked a cargo plane, but not before kicking out a family, once he was in the air, he heard a rustling in the back, could it be that Robama had already found them?! No, when he looked back he realized it was just a baby, he sighed with relief and began his journey over the Pacific.

Suddenly, Chris woke Rivers up and told him he had fallen asleep again and they were actually running out of fuel over the Canadian Arctic. They had to make an emergency landing in the deserted tundra with little to see for miles. But as they approached the ground, they saw something glowing red…

It was Joe Biden in an Amtrak train that he had driven over 1,000 miles overland through sheer force of will. He had come to take the fight to The Cuomos.

Joe Biden shot at them, he hit. The plane blew up and Chris and Rivers blacked out. On the ground, Rivers woke up with Joe Biden nowhere in sight, where was he? Then rivers noticed Chris and ran over, he wasn't getting up. "Chris! Chris! Get up!" Chris's head moved, and Rivers felt a wave of relief. "Chris YOU'RE ALIVE! I WAS SO WORRIED," Rivers yelled. But then he realized it was just the wind, and Chris wasn't alive, in fact, you could even say he was dead. He felt a sadness he had never felt before.

He looked out to the North and he saw hundreds of glowing white figures surrounding Joe Biden's train. Joe Biden used his second amendment rights all he could but it did nothing against the ghosts. Joe Biden was absorbed into the ghost realm and is now doomed to spend all eternity wandering the freezing arctic with all those who went before him. While the ghosts were distracted with Joe Biden, Rivers took his chance and stole the Amtrak train to get to the island while there were no guardians, due to Biden's sacrifice.

On the way there, he read an absolutely riveting newspaper article on coin, stocks, and the economy! Despite losing Chris, his spirits were somewhat high after reading the articles and singing his favorite Weezer song, and became even higher as he saw the island rise from the rough dark waves of the north Atlantic. He flew out of the train and kept flying around the island seeing what he could find.

As his eyes roved the rocky terrain, he spotted a rather small green dinosaur standing in front of a cave wearing a sweater. He realized to his horror that he would have to fight the Green Dinosaur, known as Yoshi to his friends, in order to obtain the sweater!

He flew down and yelled, "HOW COULD YOU YOSHI," then Yoshi pulled off his mask only to reveal PARKER, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS," Rivers yelled at Parker, but then Parker pulled off his mask to reveal george! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO," Rivers yelled in absolute agony. Then George took off his mask to reveal Zach! "WHYYYYYYYY," Rivers screamed in anger! Then Zach took off his mask to reveal yoshi! Rivers stood in stunned silence, he didn't know what to say!

"No! Yoshi! How could you do this after all the training we went through together?! Do you not remember all we went through?" He yelled, and as he landed and slowly approached the dinosaur, he saw the struggle in the red tinted eyes. At that moment, he knew what he had to do.

Rivers pulled out his guitar and played one chord so powerful that Yoshi disintegrated as if he had been snapped by Thanos leaving only the sweater he had been wearing behind. But then he realized it wasn't yoshi, IT WAS CHRIS!

The ghost of Chris rose from the dust, and looked into River's eyes. "Thank you," it whispered, "Thank you for making me remember who I really am. I hope you stop robama." Then he glid away into the rising moon.

Suddenly, Robama appeared in the sky above holding a cage with Brian Bell, the real Matt Sharp, and Patrick Wilson. He said "I have your friends Rivers, what will you do now?"

Rivers flep up to Robama,

"I'm gonna use my lazer eyes and super strength that I've had the whole time but have waited until now to use, that's what I'm going to do!"

He then began to unravel the sweater and fly around in a circle. He was wrapping the string around Robama, slowly trapping him. But Robama only laughed. "What kind of game is this?" he mocked, "You don't think the lives of your friends are really in danger, do you?"

Then Rivers used his laser eyes and Robama died, but not before his mask fell off revealing Obama, Robama was still out there, and he needed to find him…

Obama was not in fact dead because the Robama suit took the blow. However, he would be dead in a few seconds if Rivers didn't save the cage that he was still holding onto, but Rivers wanted Obama to die and waited. When Obama died the cage fell and hit the ground, and Brian, Matt, and Patrick all fell out.

"No, Rivers!" Matt yelled. "That was an imposter sent out to test out your abilities by Robama. Now he knows what you're capable of!"

Rivers was confused. Was it Obama disguised as Robama, or was it an impostor of Obama disguised as Robama? Obama was the imposter, you could even say he was... sus. Rivers got his answer soon after when Robama appeared over the horizon followed by a robot duplicate of every former president, except for Joe Biden.

As the clones approached them, Rivers felt dread in his stomach. If such things existed, how could he know who was a teammate and who was the imposter? Then the clone army stopped and a silent understanding reverberated between them all: there is an imposter among us. Suddenly the air seemed chillier and still, the wind dead silent in their ears. "...Amogus," Brian whispered, "Imposter, are you there?"

Then, it happened! William Howard Taft stepped forward, "I am joining Weezer," he declared, but was it the real Willian Howard Taft, or was he a sussy baka? William Howard Taft flew toward the Weezer side as the clones argued amongst themselves about why he betrayed them.

"Billy," a voice rang out. Rivers looked around and saw that it was president Garfield speaking. "What you have done is treason. Rivers, I will ask once for you to turn him over, or this will get ugly," he announced. "And very fast," Martin Van Buren added, but Rivers didn't want to give up his new sidekick.

They were surrounded, even with the help of Taft, he knew he couldn't fight off all the clones while keeping the other three safe. They needed an escape.

But then, a meteor fell on the imposter army; it was an act of god! It also missed, Rivers needed to think fast. Then he got a brilliant idea. "What do you think about taxes?" He yelled. All the presidents began arguing loudly and Robama screamed "What have you done!"

God sent another meteor, but that missed too (God has poor aim).

Satisfied that hyper-partisanship wasn't going anywhere and he reboarded the Amtrak train with the new 5-man Weezer to return to the US to find the other three artifacts. After a long trip on the train, Rivers reached Arizona, "Wait, I went too far," he said out loud, but it was too late he was now trapped in Arizona!

Some clone president had even built a wall and made them pay for it.

"Damn it," Rivers said, "now we're broke, we can't even buy a flight back to Canada!"

Despite this, one of the artifacts was in Arizona. The pork and beans were located in a small gas station 52 miles south of the place where they were recounting the ballots for Maricopa county.

Unluckily Rivers was terrible with directions and went to North Dakota by accident.

"I think we missed a turn," Matt Sharp stated nonchalantly.

They now needed to find a way back to Arizona and because trains can't hop walls they needed to find a new ride.

They decided to set up camp in the woods for the night and lit a campfire. They roasted some potatoes as they brainstormed for ideas. "If only there was a green dinosaur we could ride to hop over the wall and get back into Arizona with us, who may or may not have trained with Rivers for years..." mumbled Patrick.

"A shame he's dead on an Island somewhere off Newfoundland Canada, or is he"? said Matt.

Then, a zombified green dinosaur that they could ride and had trained them for years arrived and helped them hop over the fence!

"Yes!" Howard Taft rejoiced, "There's the green dinosaur!" With so much excitement, they sang and danced gaily around the fire.

With a start they all remembered the green dinosaur that died had actually been Chris, so it didn't make any sense that it was a zombified green dinosaur.

Despite their troubles and the sandwich, for the night they could forget their trouble and sleep happily.

Chapter Text

While they were dancing, the clones of the prime ministers of Canada began plotting how to find the remaining artifacts: the hash pipe and the Mexican Fender. Rivers knew where the hash pipe was. It was down in Santa Monica, where tricks are for kids, but they would have to hurry or the prime ministers of Canada would get to it first.

They had to make a decision, to go for the beans in Arizona and risk allowing the hash pipe to fall into the Canadian prime ministers' hands, or to go all the way to Santa Monica first, securing the hash pipe, but risking the beans. It was a tough decision, especially since they knew that the Mexican Fender that was across the sea in a small city in Japan, decorating the room of an 18-year-old girl, was absolutely essential to retrieving the lost sandwich and destroying Robama.

Rivers shivered in the cool morning breeze, enjoying the immersion in wilderness, and the chirping of birds.

"Howard," he called, "do you know of any other clones that could help us?" It took Taft a moment to respond. "Yes, actually," he said. "The clone of King Edward VIII wants to join Weezer. Perhaps he could retrieve the beans while we pursue the hash pipe?"

After they said all that, they finally went to sleep because they had been awake for a straight week at that point. When he fell asleep, Rivers dreamt of a fat Bulgarian man, who constantly repeated "Juuuuu Byden, Wake Up."

While this was occurring on the space rock known as the moon, Fred of viral YouTube show 'Fred' joined their group. But Rivers put his foot down, Fred wasn't joining the group, he pulled out his Glock 17 and Fred was no more.

Suddenly, he was shaken away by Patrick and tried to clear his head of the confusing dream. "Quick," Brian called, Rivers saw that they were standing by a big black van, and Howard was in the driver's seat.

"Some guy on Craigslist sold it to us for nothing but my social security number and a pound of weed, we're gonna ride this to Santa Monica." Rivers stretched as he got up. The sun was high, presumably just before midday, and he enjoyed his last moments in the wilderness.

As they drove in the van, Rivers began to think, "Why are we even in a van, I thought there was a big green convenient dinosaur that we could ride instead?" He shook the thought away, it didn't matter, they had more important things to focus on.

The drive to Santa Monica would be a long one with lots of opportunities to take a wrong turn, but luckily Howard was driving, who was good with directions. They stopped at a bp gas station to get a snack when they heard a whirring sound. Rivers squinted in the distance to see what it was. It was Roboma and he was angry, "Crap," William Howard Taft muttered. "GO FASTER," Patrick yelled.

The wind rushed past Robama's face, his face scrutinizing the fleeing weezers. Robama's calculating eyes squinted and the sunlight glanced off. His cists clenched. "Get them," he whispered. "Fight to your death!"

The Canadian prime ministers rushed towards the car, it was a massive swarm, Rivers squinted, trying to ignore the screams coming from Matt Sharp.

He knew there was no way out, unless he was to drive straight forward, directly into the crowd of prime ministers… He swerved the car 360 degrees, leaving a huge plume of dust in the air, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Matt Sharp screamed, "The only thing that will work," Rivers said with a confidence he didn't feel.

Howard leaned out a window and pulled out a pistol, shooting at the oncoming prime ministers. A couple of them stumbled, but for the most part the bullets simply ricochet right off of them, he should've known, they must've been genetically modified to be immune to gunfire.

"You have to turn around, they're too strong! They'll destroy the van!" But Rivers only shook his head. "You underestimate the power of van weezer"

Once they were just a few feet from the prime ministers, Robama realized what was about to happen, "RETREAT" he screamed, but it was too late, as the car bumped over the robotic prime ministers, and Rivers laughed like a mad man, it was working, but it still wasn't enough… Then, Scott Shriner spoke up, I have something that can stop them… the only thing that can stop them, he threw the Tim Hortan

As hundreds of Tim Hortan's coupons flew out the window, the prime ministers of Canada jumped to grab them, they tore through ranks and fought each other for an extra cup of free coffee. "Don't think my years of training were for nothing!" Rivers yelled. Once again, they had outsmarted Robama. However, the remainder of the journey to Santa Monica was still ahead of them.

"Don't let go!" Rivers called as he did another 360. As he drove away the menacing eyes of Robama stared at them with anger.

Then, the tornado that, along with Robama, had destroyed his sandwich appeared, thirsty for blood. Rivers fumed with rage, it had taken so much from him, but it still wanted more?!

"Rivers," yelled the tornado, "I need your van. Can I borrow it?"

"Yeah sure, just make sure to park it someplace in Santa Monica after you're done" he tossed the keys.

"Alright. Thanks, man, I owe you one." Now the weezers had no van, would they get to the artifact in time? Will they beat Robama to the sandwich?

Luckily, Rivers had a realization. They had brought a large surfboard, so instead of taking their car to Santa Monica, Weezer could take their board. However, there was no water in the desert, but luckily for Weezer, the Hoover dam had recently failed and a large wave was coming across the desert straight toward then. The river was foaming like a bottle of beer. The wave was coming but Rivers had no fear. He waxed the board down so that he'd go real fast. He waxed it down because it's really a blast.

Taft and Brian Bell looked at the incoming wave apprehensively, "I can't surf with you guys" Brian sighed, "it would break a long standing treaty that I've had with the Alligators, if I go with you, there will be war"

Rivers said, "Well, I hope you have another solution, because otherwise, you're gonna have to swim. Swim or war, it's your choice." Brian chose war and he hopped on a surfboard. In the distance, they heard gunfire, the alligators were coming…

"COWABUNGA!" yelled alligator commander Joe Biden, leading a fleet of alligators with the former monarchs of England riding them.

"How has he returned," Rivers exclaimed. Robama laughed, mockingly, "Don't you understand? Joe Biden is my friend, and with the power of friendship, you can accomplish anything!"

Biden commanded the army of monarchs on alligators forward. They were gaining quickly on Rivers. If Weezer didn't do something fast, they were certain to be eaten by the alligators. They were getting close to Santa Monica, too; if they took too long to defeat Biden, they would never get to the hash pipe first. There was no way they could fight them all, they needed to trick Joe Biden instead, and fast!

"Hey Joe!" yelled Rivers.

"Yeah, Cuomo?"

"Joe many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb?" Joe stood in confusion, before Taft responded.

"None, they're too busy ?! their gender?!" Joe Biden instantly disintegrated, Robama screamed with rage, "NOOOOOOO, NOT BIDEN!" he screamed.

The alligators, now leaderless, scurried off in several different directions. Robama yelled, "I'll get you next time, Weezer!"

Weezer and Taft continued to surf along the wave, they were almost to Santa Monica, but so was Robama…

"Go on and kick me!" yelled Brian Bell.

"What?" responded Taft.

"Go on and kick me! Send me to the hash pipe!" Taft kicked Bell as far as he could, but then, the worst thing that could have happened happened, Bell landed onto the hash pipe at mach speed, crushing the hash pipe into a thousand pieces.

"Oh no, they're gonna be so mad," Brian said as he tried to collect all the pieces. Then, a man cloaked in black approached him.

"You guys are done for," he said in an ominous voice.

"What makes you say that?" Bell asked, confused.

"When it broke, the power transferred to the next closest hash pipe, which just so happens to be in that pharmacy, which you have no way of knowing. Therefore this will be a victory for us!" The man broke into laughter from the thought of the utter defeat Bell must be feeling! But while he laughed, Brian had started running, and it was too late when the man realized what had happened! He had fallen into the classic bad guy monologue!

Robama had a trick up his sleeve though, "Allow me to introduce someone, Rorobama, ACTIVATE!"

A robot robot Obama rose into the air, "Destroy all lifeforms," it said in Robama's voice.

With them hot on his tail, Brian had to be quick. He entered the pharmacy and conveniently there was only one hash pipe. Brian banged the hash pipe onto the counter, muttering, "Please be quick," but when he didn't get a reply he realized that the guy behind the counter was... a baby! In fact, it looked uncannily similar to the baby on the airplane.

"I am Rahl, the eldritch god of orphans," it spoke in a deep voice, "when you took me from my family I had no family, no one to go to, it was then I was shown the way to godhood by a man in the mist, he showed you the way, and now is time for my revenge, I will destroy you Weezer, you are doomed!"

Brian didn't have time for this. "Look here," he said as he leaned into the counter. The baby was listening. "You are a baby, you like shiny things, eh? Here, I've got these coins -" he pulled out some change "- I'll give you all this if you give the man cloaked in black and Rorobama a good beating. Deal?" The baby's eyes glowed electric blue and it started to float, "Deal!"

Brian grabbed the hash pipe and ran out of the pharmacy. He was becoming nervous because the rest of Weezer hadn't come to meet him yet.

Behind him a massive explosion could be heard. He turned around to see the baby rise from the shattered roof, heatwaves distorting the view around the baby crackling with electricity. "For I have made a deal, shall I deliver," the baby pronounced with a deep reverberating voice. It raised its palm to face the direction of Robobama. A laser beamed from the baby's palms, disintegrating RoRobama and crippling Robama, "DARN YOU WEEZER," Robama screamed in absolute and utter rage.

Just then, the rest of Weezer rode the last of the Hoover dam wave into Santa Monica. However, they couldn't stay for long as they needed to find a way into Arizona to get the Pork and Beans as King Edward VIII hadn't gotten back yet. Then, they realized their mistake… They were so focused on the floating baby that they didn't realize the open manhole! They all fell into the ominous black depth. If things weren't bad enough, Rivers just received a text:

I was with the robots the whole time, you just got trolled lol

-King Edward VIII

As they crouched in the dark, contemplating, some rumbling, sloshing sounds started echoing.

Could it be the Alligator army retreating to the sewer after having been defeated in the desert?

It was, and they were angry, they had been humiliated in the fight and were out for blood

now. King George III had taken the role as the leader, at the front of the charge. Such a continuous chain of bad luck had demoralized Rivers, and he grimly wondered if this would be the end. But then he saw something, a glint against black. He squinted hard. Could that be King Edward VIII, who had just sent him the text? From behind, the monarch leveled his pistol directly at the head of King George III.

Then, he pulled the trigger, a bang was heard throughout the chamber, King George III fell from the crocodile, dead before he hit the ground, "he- he saved us..." Rivers said in a shocked voice, King Edward really was on their side!

Once again the cavalry of alligators fell into chaos and confusion. King Edward VIII rode forward with his chest puffed up. "Go find Biden," he announced, "he could still be alive." The alligators, still disorganized, scrambled away.

Then, he got off the crocodile and pulled off his mask, it was Martin van Buren! "My name is Martin van Buren and I want to join you." Rivers, Taft, and the rest looked around at each other, but before they could speak Taft spoke...

"No, you suck and no one even cares about you, there's only enough space for one president in Weezer and that's me!" Rivers and the rest simply nodded in agreement. Martin Van Buren began to cry and slowly slogged his way out of the sewer while still dressed as King Edward VIII

They awkwardly climbed up a convenient ladder that led up to the surface, not really knowing what to say.

Meanwhile Brian had given the baby the coins. "Could you stick around, maybe?" he tried. The baby shook its head. "I might see you again but I've got things to do." Then the baby flew away. Brian wouldn't take no for an answer, he lifted his arms up and forced the baby back down to the ground, "not so fast," he sneered at the baby. The baby turned to him, the blank bright blue eyes intense. "You will not command me," a demonic deep growl came, as if a hundred men talked in unison in their deepest voice. With a shock Brian was temporarily blinded - and his head started to spin, but that couldn't stop him, "YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME BEFORE I LET GO!"

Then, right when he thought he was about to lose consciousness, Brian saw something, a vision of a rising angel and he was the one praying. He flew up so high, his purple majesty displaying, and reaching a higher place that no one else could make a claim in… He was on the moon!

Chapter Text

"You have embarked on a journey with great forces working against you," a voice reverberated. It was a female voice. "I have seen a billion futures, only in one of those paths do you succeed." Brian Bell tried to discern where the voice was coming from, but he couldn't see anything, he was in an empty void. Brian began to have a breakdown.

"I wanna go back!" he yelled, "Screw this crap, I've had it!"

"Only in dreams," responded the voice, "will you be able to go back to your former life. I cannot tell you everything, but allow me to guide you…" Slowly a clone of Cleopatra (Clonopatra) descended from above.

"When the time is right, you have to play 'Falling For You'. When, I cannot say, but when you've become trapped in a dire situation, you must call the Tornado to repay its favour." With that Clonopatra began glowing and the light spread across Brian's view until he was blinded by its brilliance. As his eyes tried to discern meaning from what he was seeing he sensed the presence of four others near him.

Then, suddenly, the light dissipated and he saw that it was Robama's mom.

"Hi Mrs... wait, what's Robama's last name?" stammered Brian. Robama's mom chuckled. "You've got a lot to learn," she commented. Then Brian remembered: being a robot, Robama had no mother. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a red pill and ate it; now there were 64 Robama moms. Then, 5 more descended from the sky. "We are the holy Novsexagennlet," they spoke in a booming voice.

"No," Brian whispered in disbelief. What could this mean? This is just like Susman69. The number was too fitting to be a coincidence. He must be a part of the plot!

Susman69 appeared in front of Brian "Bow under the power of Flying Spaghetti Monster," he commanded. Brian slowly turned to see the Flying Spaghetti Monster looming over him.

"Join us, Brian. Others have already done so, and none have regretted it. You will have access to unimaginable power - in fact, you've already met someone who came to our side. Simply renounce Rivers and you can join me." Flying Spaghetti Monster leaned in, "that's all you have to do..."

"NEVER," Brian yelled, "WHERE THE HELL AM I, GET ME OUT OF HERE!" The Flying Spaghetti Monster simply sighed.

Meanwhile in the real world, the other four members of Weezer lay unconscious on a street in Santa Monica, and although they did not know it yet, they were about to join Brian in his fever dream?

"No," Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "they aren't going to join you, you're all alone, in a dimension without time, you shall spend the next eternity here."

At that moment William Howard Taft chopped a hole in the wall with an axe and told Brian that he needed to get out through the hole right now. The Flying Spaghetti Monster screeched horribly before falling onto a large plate on the floor, now just a normal pile of spaghetti. Brian, confused as to what was real, followed William Howard Taft through the hole in the wall.

"You must see the truth, the true truth," William said urgently. "This red pill will show you the truth, this orange pill will make you really high, which do you choose?"

Brian took the orange one; he wanted to forget everything he had seen. He swallowed it but it didn't work and he saw an error message:

You are already too high from sewer gas and exposure to the hash pipe.

Brian began screaming as the world melted around him.

"The world has turned and left me here," screamed Brian, "and no one else can help. William, please. Save me."

Taft pulled out another axe and chopped down the wall of the room Brian was stuck in, finally freeing him to meet the other members of Weezer. To his great confusion, Brian looked out the hole and saw that they were apparently on the surface of the moon!?

At that moment William Howard Taft chopped a hole into William Howard Taft with an axe and told Brian that he needed to get out of there right now. Brian followed him. "Stop," a third man called. William Howard Taft turned.

"It is me, William Howard Taft," William Howard Taft announced, and William Howard Taft looked at Brian.

"Don't trust him, Brian, I am the real William Howard Taft." William Howard Taft and William Howard Taft looked at William Howard Taft, who then proceeded with William Howard Taft to look at William Howard Taft.

"He is lying to you, I am the real William Howard Taft," William Howard Taft replied. The other members of Weezer aside from Taft yelled for Brian to follow them. Brian, who was now even more confused than he was before, followed them toward the airlock of the moonbase. As they walked, hundreds of William Howard Tafts passed them. They kept walking down the hallway, but it seemed to stretch on infinitely, forever, and after what felt like years of walking, Brian stopped - he couldn't walk any further.

At that moment the lights went out and the surface of the moon began glowing blue and red. As the ground began to shake Rivers yelled "oh no it's Robama with his army of the premiers of the Soviet Union here to kill us all". As soon as he finished, a laser began slicing through the wall above him.

"If we use our friendship nothing can stop us!" Rivers exclaimed. As Robama and his massive army of robots approached they made a group hug.

At this moment the Premiers and Ronald Regan who were there to keep them in line turned around to see the army of William Howard Tafts charging them. It didn't matter they were instantly destroyed by Robama; Brian woke up - what a horrible dream! - and Flying Spaghetti Monster was next to him.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster told Brian that reality was unreal and offered him a plate of spaghetti. Brian pushed it away and ate a boatload of the multicolored pills from his pockets. As multiple realities flashed before his eyes he looked for the one in which he had just been. When he saw the moonbase, he yelled "stop!", subsequently falling back right next to the shuttle bay.

"No," Flying Spaghetti Monster sighed, "stop entering false reality, come back to me, I will show you."

Brian clove the spaghetti monster in half with one of the hundreds of fire axes lining the walls. Spaghetti monster reformed. "I am Flying Spaghetti Monster, I am undefeatable!"

Brian gave up on the spaghetti monster and ran to help his friends.

"Don't trust them, Brian," Flying Spaghetti Monster called, "they're your enemies, they're with… they're with Aihfoiasdvnmasdofiohashdofijnisaon!"

"Who is Aihfoiasdvnmasdofiohashdofijnisaon?" Brian asked.

"I AM AIHFOIASDVNMASDOFIOHASHDOFIJNISAON!" Aihfoiasdvnmasdofiohashdofijnisaon yelled.

It was a grotesque being with five arms, three necks, and four heads.

Brian screamed.

"WHAT ARE YOU!?" he yelled.

"I am Aihfoiasdvnmasdofiohashdofijnisaon of the Dhjasofihosdahncoinmsdaofn tribe, but you can call me Parker for short. I used to be just like you, a normal human, but with way too much knowledge on Antarctica. Then I became a demon, keeping people away from the light, away from Flying Spaghetti Monster - join me and we can destroy him together!" Brian stepped backward, he wasn't going anywhere near that Parker freak.

Brian reached into his other pocket to see if he had any more pills. He didn't but he did have a bottle of children's claritin. He filled up a dinky little medicine cup and took a sip. It tasted like shoes and his vision began to become distorted. He chugged the rest of the bottle and threw it at the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Flying Spaghetti Monster exploded into macaroni and Brian turned his attention to Parker. He used his newfound strength to tear apart Parker, clawing apart his chest. Inside he discovered the other four members of Weezer who had been imprisoned inside the monster.

All four of them looked at Brian in unison, giving Brian goosebumps.

"Um, guys?" He asked. They melted together into the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and Brian fell to his knees.

Just as he was about to start crying, Van Buren jumped in front of him. "I'll take care of him!" he yelled. Van Buren tackled the Flying Spaghetti Monster and they both exploded into Jolly Ranchers, but only the nasty apple flavor. So disturbed by this that he couldn't speak, Brian crawled into a closet and ate all of the medicine he had in his coat pockets. He also ate a few Jolly Ranchers for good measure. Everything around him exploded as the Moonbase disintegrated.

At this point, even David was confused. "What's happening?" he asked. Brian said, "You don't scare me anymore, I see that you're trying to tell me that I need to save my friends from Robama in the ultimate universe!"

Clonopatra descended from the sky once again, but this time Flying Spaghetti Monster was with her. "You are young and foolish. You need guidance."

"STOP!" Brian yelled, everything ceased to exist, he was just there, there was no one, nothing, he was just alone with himself (and David); it was a hard reset.

Brian crumpled up, not knowing what to think. David approached him. "Don't worry, I know how to get out of here," he offered.

"Thanks David, I don't know what I would do without you," Brian said gratefully. David commented that due to being a hard reset there was no air and that they would soon die from oxygen deprivation; but then suddenly there was air! The author had decided that killing his characters was pointless so early on.

"But in reality, the author had no power over this," the narrator commented, "It was the power of friendship!"

"Wait, I'm feeling light-headed," David spoke, "what is the percent composition of the air?"

Suddenly a gas meter appeared in his hand. It read 0.001% oxygen. Brian began to laugh before losing consciousness…

"Brian! Wake up Brian!" David called, "You just imagined that it was low oxygen, I was kidding, you don't need air in a void, you just fell asleep, get up and let's go!" Brian woke up and then remembered that he hadn't slept in three days. He got up and asked David where they were going.

"Further, we must go further," David sighed. "You'll understand when we get there..." They climbed aboard a blocky purple ship and set sail over the void. Brian stared over the edge of the ship, down into the infinite depths of the void. David pulled him back. "You don't want to go down there," he warned, "that's where he lurks..."

"Where who lurks?" Brian asked.

"You've got a lot to learn," David said. At that moment a clammy smell wafted into the ship and it was growing stronger.

"I recognize the smell," Brian said.

"So do I," David replied. Someone was on the ship, climbing down the stairs... to reveal Susman69. As soon as David saw him, he apprehended him.

"What are you doing here?" David asked.

"I am here to help you on your journey," Susman69 replied.

"Don't trust him," David answered. "It's a ploy to get you to help him reach mining level 50. If you join him, you'll lose hundreds of hours of your life."

"Haven't I seen you before?" asked Brian. Susman69 replied that he served the Flying Spaghetti Monster and had been sent there to help Brian complete the task which had been prophesied of him.

"He is a false prophet, he wants you to go to Robama, he wants you to go to Parker!"

David cried as his eyes began to glow red. Susman69 walked over to him and placed his hands on David's temples. He chanted in spaghetti language and David began to shake and make low rumbling noises. "What are you doing!?" Brian screamed. David exploded.

Then, out of nowhere, Jimin of BTS appeared.

"Gronkspurt nordic ratpink" he announced. Then Susman69 took off his mask to reveal he was also Jimin! The first Jimin was a shapeshifter who had taken the form of a chair on the deck of the ship.

He was also a servant of the Floating Ravioli Monster who wanted revenge. Then Parker descended from the sky, "You are dead now" he pronounced, Jimin died!

The pieces of exploded David reformed themselves into a new, clean, David. Brian understandably freaked out and asked, "What the heck did you just do?!" Susman69 explained that he had saved David from possession by the Floating Ravioli Monster.

Coughing, David stood up. "That's not true. The Flying Spaghetti Monster saved me. We have to defeat the Ravioli Monster… Along with Susman69!"

After an absolutely epic fight scene that was so cool that we can't talk about it, another Jimin was dead and Susman69 was on the brink of winning. Brian stood dumbfounded, confused, unsure how to feel. But then Robama's mom came and took Susman69 to bed as it was past his bedtime, before changing the password to his computer.

David was now left as the sole protector of Brian. As Brian helped him up from the floor he yelled that they needed to act fast if the universe was to be saved.

They continued on their epic journey, flying over the ocean void. It was almost a beautiful sight, if not for the weight Brian felt each time he stared into the abyss.

David said, softly, "Soon the Flying Spaghetti Monster will begin your training." Brian said nothing. He had seen enough movies to know that you didn't question these things.

Then, something rose from the water, something giant; it looked like a terrible mix of a worm and Joe Biden.

David cried out, "A spy from the Obama Empire!" He put the ship to top speed and began mumbling about how they were all doomed, that no one can escape Joe Biden. Joe Biden created a whirlpool to suck them back.

As the ship neared the brink tendrils of light began spreading across the sky.

"Ok we reached the destination," David said. They parked the boat on an island and stepped on the weird yellowish-looking ground. Brian followed although he felt uneasy with Joe Biden's eyes on him.

The tendrils resolved themselves into the holy noodles of the Flying Spaghetti Monster who appeared in the sky and destroyed Joe Biden.

"You have a greater purpose," the Flying Spaghetti Monster said to Brian.

"What is it?" Brian asked

"You have to get me a roll of toilet paper from the Obama Star. Your side quest is to destroy the Obama Star. Our stock is running low."

"What is the Obama Star?" Brian asked

The Flying Spaghetti Monster sighed and produced a large tube TV. David said, "We have prepared an instructional film for this exact purpose. We even added a hidden easter egg, if you find the hidden Robama, you get a sticker!"

Brian watched intensely. He really wanted that sticker. They started the film, and some music started.

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away..." I wonder why we're starting on episode 34, Brian thought to himself.

"When Robama was young, his romama left him," the video informed.

"This angered his father who punished him severely.

"Then, the worst thing that could have happened, happened - he lost his lucky quarter!

"Now irretrievably evil, he approved the petition to build a death star with the provision that it be called the Obama Star."

"But, upon completing the first one, he clogged the toilet and the Obama Star exploded, giving major injuries to Robama, he had to replace his arms and legs with robotic counterparts."

"This setback did not stop him and soon he will release the full power of the second Obama Star on the galaxy." On that note, the video ended.

"Oh, the humanity" cried Brian, "How can I ever hope to defeat him?"

"I shall train you," Flying Spaghetti Monster said.

"Am I … force sensitive?" asked Brian.

"No, lol, but you can be," said the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Brian wasn't quite sure about it but he had had such a strange day that he was ready to believe it.

"All you do is believe in yourself, and the placebo effect will take over," Flying Spaghetti Monster added.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster pulled aside a curtain revealing an X-wing. "Get in," he said to Brian, "use the force to guide your photon torpedoes."

"Oh shoot" Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "we can't give you an X-wing, we have a pretty low budget now, but you can take this instead..."

Flying Spaghetti Monster gave him a beaten-up old Winnebago with a rocket engine strapped on top.

"It's a bit old but it still works. By the way, don't forget to grab the toilet paper."

Brian got in and waited for David to get in, he didn't.

"Where's David?" Brian asked.

"Oh, he tripped and fell into the void," Flying Spaghetti Monster said, "Forget about him, focus on the mission, the galaxy depends on you."

"Really?"

"Yes, now shut up and go do your job," said the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

"Ok," said Brian as he put the throttle all the way forward, but then he needed a bathroom break. Luckily, being a camper there was a bathroom inside so he just used that.

Plop

"What was that?" Flying Spaghetti Monster asked. Brian ignored the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The world depended on him. His business finished Brian returned to the cockpit to continue his trip to the Obama Star.

The fighter launched and Brian was in the air, "Weezer 1, in the air," he spoke into the mic.

"Weezer 2 all set and in the air," Rivers Cuomo said.

"What," Brian said, confused, "I thought I had to save you?"

"Oh, Robama left the door unlocked," Matt and Patrick said at the same time, "where's Taft?" Brian asked. As the Obama Star pulled into view Weezer 1 and Weezer 2 entered their attack runs…

The speaker crackled. "Attention," Flying Spaghetti Monster's voice filled the cockpit.

"I forgot to mention, for the toilet paper, grab the strawberry-scented one. It's pink and it should be in the 156th linen closet in the 532nd floor in the mid-central north-north-eastern ward."

As Brian entered the trench to reach the 156th linen closet on the 532nd floor in the mid-central north-north eastern ward the Flying Spaghetti Monster spoke again.

"Use the force Brian," this snapped Brian out of it until he remembered that he didn't actually have the force, but he did have a pistol and the 2nd amendment. As people ran out with what looked like oversized glow sticks, he rolled down the window and took a few shots. They flailed around their glow sticks, but apparently they haven't taken the physics course on brilliant.org as they seemed surprised when the bullets didn't simply bounce off.

Having destroyed the noobs with glow sticks Brian began to panic and he became fidgety. From here we know little other than that Brian inexplicably rolled his Winnebago and it crashed into the surface of the Obama Star.

When it crashed into the Obama Star, it had cracked and ignited the gas line, creating a massive explosion of destruction, revealing Obama Star 3.2 behind it.

Weezer 2 tried to escape but they were unable to hide from Obama Star 3.2 and were vaporized in a single hit.

There ended the Space Odyssey of Weezer in a galaxy far, far, away.

As Flying Spaghetti Monster shook his head, the radio crackled. "Ro... Robama was at 5:32:46 of the video..."

Flying Spaghetti Monster's eyes grew wide, he would have to somehow find a way to give him the sticker…

Chapter Text

"Wake up, wake up, wake up!" Rivers shook Brian as hard as he could.

“You’re alive! I’m alive!” yelled Brian. 

“What in the world are you talking about? Of course we’re alive” Rivers said.

"Oh, you don't want to know," Brian responded. Rivers turned around. 

"Anyways, we got this ship from some nice guy called Parker, so I think we'll go for the Mexican Fender in Japan." At that Brian's eyes went wide but he didn't say anything.

As Brian walked down to the harbor to go see the ship he tried to shake the nagging suspicion from the back of his mind. Was this Parker guy really who he claimed to be? As he approached the ship, he saw it was a five-masted sailing ship just like they looked like in movies. 

There was something strange about it. It was completely out of place and seemed just a bit too old and decrepit for his liking. Then, all of the sudden the ship vanished out of existence, gone from the world, like it had been plucked away. Brian's memory of Parker also became fainter and fainter, it was like everything connected to Parker was leaving the realm…

What could this possibly mean? He looked around and saw an orange streak in the sky. What could it possibly be? Brian's eyes went wide. It was Joe Biden! Wasn't he supposed to be forever haunted by the ghosts of others from the arctic expedition? Could it be related to the disappearance of Parker? 

"I have found you, and now you will pay for what you did to me!" Joe Biden yelled at them, "I am Joe Biden, and nothing can stop me!"

Just then, a whooshing sound could be heard, to reveal the baby! As the baby flew toward Joe, they both slowed down. There was a moment of silence. "Joe?" The baby said. "No, could it really be? My husband!" The two embraced. Rivers stood awkwardly, not really knowing what to say. From afar, Robama watched with anger, but he had backup. 

"Is it my time, sir?" Joe Biden's voice asked. 

"Yes," Robama replied, "finally it is your time, Robiden."

"Can I go too?" a female voice asked. 

"No, not yet, you're not ready, one day, one day..." Robama said. Something tapped on Rivers' shoulder. "Quick, we should go!" Brian called. They started running as Robiden began to rise into the air.

"Can we take a break, my legs are getting tired," Patrick complained. Just as they were about to have a break, Taft spotted the van they lent to the tornado! They sprinted to the van and started off. As they sped away from Robiden, Rivers began to feel some relief, then they saw Robama, he was approaching, and fast!

Joe and the baby flew to obstruct the way. "We got Robama. It's the least we can do to thank you for getting us back together and breaking the curse." Energy crackled between them as they prepared for an epic fight with Robama. But Taft sped up, and Rivers couldn't stay to watch the fight.

As they drove away, they heard what must have been a really cool fight, but alas, they were looking the wrong direction. They would have to keep driving north for a very long time. But just as they were driving over a hill, Patrick finished the 2lb bag of potato chips, leaving them with little in reserve. An emergence stop and restock was necessary. Luckily, there was an REI at the next exit. Taft carefully signaled right and slowly began to make his way to the rightmost lane in order to safely exit the highway.

Then, Rivers realized Taft had just screwed up, he had gone through the wrong exit!

"Taft, you just made a mistake," Rivers said. This was going to be disastrous. They would have to face the bridge troll, just like the billy goats did in the legend.

"Answer me these riddles three to cross this bridge" the troll said. 

“What is the first riddle?" Rivers asked. 

"What is round but is-'' the troll was flung off the bridge by a strong gust of wind. 

"That's convenient," Brian said nonchalantly. 

"I guess we should go," Patrick said. 

"NOT SO FAST," a voice said from behind. A bigger troll approached them. 

"When an object spins fast, it tends to become wider due to the centrifugal force. With this information, which planet is the widest in proportion to its lateral height? Show your work on jamboard, and do not write in yellow."

Of course, Rivers instantly knew that the answer was Saturn. However, he needed to prove it mathematically and use the correct equations (and not the law of sines or the law of cosines, as some members of the band do not know those). He began by writing his equations on the Jamboard, making sure to write in teal using his stylus.

"YOU HAVE JUST MADE A LEARNING OPPORTUNITY," the bigger troll said, "THE ANSWER IS BETA PICTORIS B, OF THE SYSTEM BETA PICTORIS!"

But Taft only replied with a chuckle from his seat in the van. "But look at what I just uploaded," he remarked. The bigger troll's eyes went wide. "No, where did you get this? Why do you have a picture of the answer key?!" 

Taft broke into a laugh. "You made a learning opportunity." The bigger troll screamed as it disintegrated, flailing about its arms as its body began to crumble, he grabbed onto the van, which then also disintegrated into a lump of ash. Unfortunately, the entire place was turning into ash, which was not great for Rivers due to his asthma. He began weezing.

Taft was demoralized with the loss of the van, and the others stood around depressed. "If only there was a green dinosaur we could ride to get to Alaska, who may or may not have trained with Rivers for years..." mumbled Patrick. Then, luckily, an Amtrak pulled up next to them, "care for a ride?" Ronald Reagan spoke from the inside. 

Reagan then realized that Amtrak was government spending and defunded it. He abandoned the train and asked why they didn’t just drive. They explained what had happened and he said corporate tax cuts would help them and he drove off back to Washington, but Weezer was still stranded in the desert.

"Now we're going to be stuck here forever," Brian said as he kicked the sand, then he saw something under the ground, oil, THEY WERE ON AN OIL RESERVE! Suddenly a line of helicopters and tanks appeared on the horizon. Reagan had come back for them!

"Be careful not to displace a single teaspoon of petrol!" A voice announced through a megaphone, "any and all obstructions will be completely and utterly destroyed!" Suddenly the pool of oil started to ripple, and out came the man cloaked in black! He laughed at the oncoming military. "Let me make easy work of it," he muttered."WE ARE THE ONES WHO FOUND THE OIL!" Patrick yelled, "WE WON'T LET YOU TAKE IT FROM US!" But it was too late, the man cloaked in black flew towards them, knocking one attack helicopter out of the sky after another. The tanks crumpled under his meteor of a fist, and he out flew their best fighters, outmaneuvered their motorized support. 

Reagan watched, anger building up at the sight. "Who are you?" Rivers asked. The man in black looked like he was about to speak when Reagan came in from behind, WEARING A GIANT MECH SUIT!

"YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE" Reagan's augmented voice announced. Startled and a bit afraid, the man cloaked in black flew back until he bumped into something invisible. Robama appeared there, and the man cloaked in black hid behind him.

Now, two of Weezer's greatest enemies were in front of them, Weezer couldn’t defeat both of them alone, they would need to gang up with Reagan on one to survive.

"Hey Reagan!" Brian called. "You want to make a deal? We start a corporate empire with the money from this oil reserve, if you agree to work together." Reagan's mind flooded with the possibilities of what this could entail. 

"Yes," he replied.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Robama screamed as he charged towards Weezer, just then Reagan came down on Robama as Matt used a M-14 rifle to shoot at the man in black.

Robama extended his hand, deflecting the bullet, and stopped. "If only Robiden was here," he whispered. He faced Weezer and Reagan. "I will not allow for this unholy alliance. When my forces are ready, I shall wage war with the speed of lightning, and you shall be destroyed!" With that, he and the man in black disappeared.

Rivers looked at Reagan, "50/50 split, you get half, we get half, together we will create a prospering oil monopoly." They shook hands on the deal. It was official now. 

"By the way, I have this spare private jet I happened to bring with me, do you want it by any chance?" Reagan asked.

"No, keep it, give it to your troops, every jet matters, we need to stop to communist plague as fast as we can, it could interfere with sales," Rivers said. After “a bit of trolling”, their oil company was up and running.

Then, a giant vat of nail polish was dropped on Weezer. Unfortunately Acetone is highly flammable and the acetone fumes combined with the oil to create a dangerous mix of flammable hydrocarbons. Reagan cursed his bad luck and wondered how he could find out where the flammable hydrocarbons were. 

"Don't worry," Reagan said, "General, bring out the portable showers, we’re going to remove the polish the old fashioned way."

“Aye aye sir,” Reagan’s general said, as he rapidly traveled to Poland.

“Dang it, now we’ve got a PR problem in Poland,” Reagan said in an irritable voice. As he fumed about becoming an international pariah as he got out his oxyacetylene torch to look for the flammable Hydrocarbons. He lit the torch and lit Weezer on fire, the technique worked flawlessly and Weezer walked away without so much as a scratch, save for Patrick who suffered minor first degree burns on his back and Reagan looking a bit crispy around the edges.

Weezer started their hike toward Alaska, this time with a 20lb bag of chips as provisions to help them weather in the harsh mountainous terrain. Reagan prepared to create the biggest oil company in history when he realized that he smelled something burning. They were making s'mores!

"Yum yum," Brian said, "these s'mores sure are tasty." Just then David fell out of the sky and into the fire. 

"Who are you?"Rivers asked. 

"He's David, we can trust him," Brian informed. David looked up. "I came to tell you guys an efficient way to get to Alaska. Tonight, Santa's flying in this area for some cheap timber that may or may not have been illegally logged. You can hijack the sleigh and fly it to Alaska."

"I think I see Santa coming right over the horizon right now," Brian said, "That sure is convenient!" Santa entered the woods, followed by people that looked suspiciously like IRS workers. It was the IRS! They were pulling the santa's sleigh, and flying across the air! 

"Majestic," Rivers said, "there they go, giving people 2% off on their finances this year," Taft added. "We can't take his sleigh," Rivers said, "we can't ruin the spirit of Christmas!"

but Brian knew something was off... He thought he glimpsed Parker, but how could that be? Parker was supposed to have disappeared, and it didn't make sense for him to be here, unless…

Suddenly, another Parker appeared. “I’m Parker,” he said. There were two Parkers, but they couldn’t both be Parker, and yet, there was no reason to believe that either of them were fake, the Parkers looked exactly the same. "Who is this? What's happening?" Rivers asked. But Brian knew what was coming, one of them was a sussy robot impostor. But who?

"We must uncover the sussy baka," Rivers said. He had to think quickly. How could they determine the correct Parker? The real Parker was not a fan of Edgar Allen Poe. So, it would be only natural that, if asked to recite Poe’s poetry, the robot would do it but the real Parker would be incapable.

"You think that'll really work?" Rivers asked. 

Brian nodded reassuringly. "I think he looks like the kind of guy that looks like he knows Poe but really doesn't like poetry much." Rivers agreed. “Tell me a line from Poe’s The Raven.” And quoth the robot, “Nevermore.”

Replies the other, "'tis a bore." Instantly, Rivers realized all of the little things that made the robot more robotic. Every tiny detail that the robot had not managed to capture, every tiny difference in the pattern of speech, and he knew what he had to do. “Robama, we know you’re listening. We’re gonna destroy this surveillance Parker.”

Rivers looked straight into the robot's eyes and then, activated his eye beams; Robo-Parker was instantly incinerated. With a final scream he crumbled into a handful of dust

The other Parker looked at the dust. "Uh, guys, you guessed wrong. That was the wrong guy. Anyway, here's the keys to Santa's sleigh, have fun!"

They took the keys and walked up to Santa's sleigh. They got in, but there was one problem. There were 246492 key holes, but they only had 246487 keys.

"Gosh darn it," Rivers said. "I know what to do," Brian said as he walked over to one of the cowering IRS workers. 

"TELL ME WHERE YOU LEFT THE KEYS!" Brian screamed. 

The worker tried to crawl away, but Brian knew that the worker would try to do that and had covered the area behind the worker in hydrochloric acid. The worker, expecting this, had been wearing an acid resistant coat, but Brian who had seen the coat made it so that the was a fan to the right that would blow the worker over and push their face into the acid, but the worker, who had seen this coming was actually wearing a mask, but Brian had made a precautionary measure and booby trapped the area with a lava pit, but the IRS who always saw 10 steps ahead had secretly moved the fan to the left and was pushed away from the lava pit, but Brian, expecting this, had put a second pit full of hungry rats opposite to the lava pit, but the IRS worker knew this would happen and had rat poison ready in his pocket, but Brian, seeing this coming had pickpocketed the rat poison, but the IRS worker, never one to be unprepared, had brought two canisters of rat poison, unfortunately for the IRS worker, the rat poison was expired so when he fell in he was slowly devoured by rats. Brian chuckled as he heard the IRS worker scream in agony, "bet you didn't see that coming" he laughed. 

"And how have you planned to retrieve the keys from the lab coat pocket in the pit of hungry rats?" Taft asked.

"Oh, I didn't plan for that," Brian said, "I completely forgot, we're going to have to find another mode of transportation." Conveniently, Reagan was flying overhead in his new F-16. "Can I go and get the keys from the pit?!" Rivers yelled, gesticulating towards the pit of rats. "Yeah one sec." Reagan replied, then parachuted into the pit.

"Look at this absolutely sick jet, now 10x cooler and 10x less fuel efficient," Reagan called to Weezer. They watched as the jet flew away and crashed, starting another forest fire. Meanwhile, Reagan landed in the pit and it sounded to Rivers that he decimated the hungry rats with his bionic arms while he retrieved the keys.

"Found the keys, let's go to Alaska boys!" Reagan said with great enthusiasm. They climbed into the sleigh and rode off into the rising stars. "I sure am glad we're leaving behind this mess," Patrick said as they looked down at Santa, stranded in the burning forest.

“Well… fuck,” said Santa as he sat down, waiting to be engulfed in the flames of the forest. 

As Weezer gazed into the sunset, they realized a major flaw in the plan. They looked at Alaska, and it was half submerged in the ocean, which rose because of all the global warming caused by their sale of the oil. 

"No!" Brian yelled. "How will we ever get to Japan if we can't cross the land bridge to Asia?" Luckily, Reagan had a plan:

"We should cut down on our emissions and go green," Reagan said. 

Rivers and Brian chuckled, "That's a good one." 

"Yeah," Reagan said, "let's get going, those trees aren't going to cut themselves."

But Weezer thought that was a terrible plan so they ejected him out of the plane. Rivers got a better idea. He realized that if we can make the earth move faster along its orbit, then it will gradually move away from the sun in a way outlined by the equation F c = (mv 2 )/r.

"No Rivers, you absolute troglodyte," Brian said, "you need to account for the coefficient of friction"

“Ah,” replied Rivers, “you forget that friction is negligible.”

"No Rivers, you absolute troglodyte," Brian said, "you need to account for the gravitational pull of jupiter." Unfortunately, Brian was correct. However, importantly, the gravitational pull of the inner planets balanced the gravitational pull of the outer planets, making that negligible as well.

"Gosh dang it Rivers," Brian said, "there has to be something you're not accounting for!" They thought hard for the next three hours and forty six minutes, but the math Rivers provided on the whiteboard seemed correct. 

"I guess we'll do it, then" Patric announced. But then it hit them: they forgot to account for how exactly they'll make the Earth move faster around its orbit. 

Suddenly, Rivers got an idea, unfortunately, he forgot it, and spent the next twenty minutes trying to remember it.

"Oh I remember how," Patrick said. 

"Shut up Patrick," Matt snorted, "I'm sure we can do it without your help."

“This is boring, l wanna go with Reagan's idea," Rivers said, "let's cut down some trees." Just then, Brian opened the window of the airplane, and leaned over to the tornado which had come to witness what was happening. 

"Could you quickly just make another ice age?" he asked. 

The tornado considered, "I'll have to get my friend blizzard in on this too, you'll owe him a favour." "Oh that's fine," Brian replied, while the others asphyxiated.

"What's the favor, Rivers asked," the narrator said. The narrator thought for a while, but they couldn't figure it out, so they closed the window to keep them from dying so the narrator could find out.

They finally landed in a mountain in Alaska, and now they needed the global freezing to take place to get across the sea. Luckily, the earth was already drifting away from the sun incredibly slowly, and they would only need to wait a bit to get across. After about 15 minutes, the earth had finally drifted far enough away for the land bridge to reappear.

They got off the airplane and started their journey across the land bridge, but they paused when they heard a low rumble approaching them. It was a T-Rex, and an angry T-Rex at that!

Then, Ronald Reagon swooped down to save Weezer! "STOP! WE ARE WASTING OUR TIME, WE NEED TO GET BACK TO WORK!" he said as he fire bombed the unfortunate dinosaur. 

Rivers sighed with relief, "yeah, the environment can wait, let's go back to selling some oil." As Weezer walked away, Patrick took a final glance behind his back, seeing the landbridge slowly sink beneath the water, "I'll come back to you... soon, I can't wait to see how you decorate your room", he said to her. Then, he shut his phone because it was the late 90s and turned away.

They then flew to their HQ in Berlin, "alright, we have something important to discuss," Reagan announced. 

"I know we're both president clones, but I don't want you to think that I'm friends with Robama. He's trying to tax me on my oil business, and I would like to propose an alliance. Shortly, Robama should send the IRS after me, and I need help with the tax evasion. Will you help me fight them off?"

“Hey, wait,” said Pat, “why don’t we just fly to Japan? If we can fly to Berlin, why not Japan?”

"That'll cost like 40 bucks pal, we don't have that kind of money," said Reagan.

“Ah,” said Brian, “but we can just triple our national debt to get the money for the plane.” Then Reagan took something out of his pocket, it was an ushanka, he was a communist Russian spy! 

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that," he said in a thick Russian accent. Then, Rivers took something out of his pocket, it was a gun. He shot Reagan. The bullet bounced off, "don't you know, Russians are immune to gunfire," Reagan growled. They had to think fast. But then Brian remembered something. He quickly pulled out his guitar and started playing falling for you 

"Noooooooooooo," screamed communist Reagan, "my only weakness!"

But just as Reagan was about to be defeated, the IRS kicked down the door and barged in, interrupting them.

"Ronald Reagan, you are under arrest for tax evasion!" they yelled! Ronald Reagan turned around and put on his ushanka, he was now at full power, the IRS had no chance. Team Weezer saw what was about to come and began to dash away at full speed, Rivers in front, Taft in the back, it was going to be close... 

Then, Ronald Reagan pulled something that looked suspiciously similar to the Tsar Bomba, and the Weezers started to run faster. They thought this would be the end, and in sorrow Brian started playing Falling For You again, but then Reagan fell asleep, and the bomb fell safely back into his pocket. Then the IRS workers pulled off their masks, they were Russian spies!! They ran to aid Ronald Reagan and one of them closed the door, preventing Weezer from leaving. 

"Weezer you're under arrest, we are taking over the government, you have the right to remain silent, anything that you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!" As the worker scuttled to cuff them, Rivers began to feel helpless, they were outnumbered, they were now subject to the Russians...

Chapter Text

All of the sudden, the power went out and the Russian spies took off their masks to reveal that they were Benjamin Aaron Shapiro. "Why are you here?" Brian asked.

"It's time to destroy you with facts and logic," Ben said, but before Ben could start destroying them, the FSM broke in through the ceiling, accidentally crushing him. 

"Oh, Brian," the FSM said, " I finally caught up to you. Here's the sticker for finding the easter egg," giving Brian the sticker, “I have to go now, bye, love you sweetie, mmwah!” Then, as soon as he had come FSM vanished into thin air, leaving everyone mystified by his presence. 

Just then two clones of Robama's mom fell into the room. "I am Romama," they said robotically. Brian froze, could it be? This was the same way his dream had started before! He was beginning the story, he needed to keep Weezer on the right path. Brian wasn't exactly sure whether to trust the Romamas, so he slowly backed up with the rest of his crew to the closest door. Right as he opened the door, the Romamas screeched in unison, "All hail Geodans!"

Scared by this, they ran into the next room and locked the door, only to find themselves trapped in a bathroom. Then, susman69 appeared from behind them, wet and dirty from his emergence from the toilet. Brian stood, speechless. 

"No, not you again!" Brian choked out. The rest of the Weezers stood, not completely understanding but afraid. Susman69 tensed his muscles and he started to levitate. "Prepare to meet your demise," he announced in a deep resounding voice. His clenched fist seemed to pulsate in glowing red aura, and he raised up his arm in preparation for a devastating punch.

But then, Brian remembered something. "Get out of the way," he commanded under his breath to the others. 

"Hey susman69, I'll take you on," he called out. Susman69 eyed Brian, and let his fist fly toward him. Brian unlocked the door and ducked, and susman69 broke through the door to the other side. 

"Romama, susman69 is being mean!" Brian yelled. The expression on susman69's face morphed into absolute horror as he realized there were two Romamas now standing over him. "No!" He begged. "I'm sorry! Don't change the password to my computer again! I'll do anything!" 

"Oooooo, someone's in troubleeeee," Matt taunted.

They chuckled as susman69 was dragged away screaming with agony, but they all stopped when they heard splashing sounds behind them, the hairs on their arms rising. As the toilet gurgled with displeasure, David rose. "Oh, hey David," Patrick said, "how are the kids doing?"

"Where's susman69?" David asked. He looked at the splintered door. "Are you guys all right?" 

"Yeah we're fine," Taft replied. "Romama took care of susman69." David nodded. "For now, at least." He sat down on the floor. "Where are you guys going?" he asked. Rivers cleared his throat. 

"We have to go to an 18 year old girl's room in Japan to get our next artifact, I believe it was the Mexican Fender?" 

"Ohhhh, I know a shortcut, follow me," David said as he hopped back into the toilet.

The Weezer members stared at each other, but Rivers shrugged and stepped into the toilet. He pulled the lever. As the toilet began to flush he began to spin... spin... SPIN! Then his feet were pulled into the pipes and after what felt like a fever dream, he woke up, dazed and on the ground, feeling like a ton of bricks and a heroin hangover had hit him all at once, where was he?

It took him a little bit to regain his sense of spatial awareness and for his eyes to adjust, but as the others splashed out of the pipe, he realized they must be in the sewer. 

"I swear there was a shortcut to Japan somewhere here, or was that more south…?" David’s muttering echoed throughout the chamber. They regained their footing and approached David, who was scrutinizing the wall. Then, they started to hear a distant splashing. 

King Edward the 8th came out of the shadows, he looked like he hadn't slept in days, his eyes were baggy and his kingly cape was dirty and ruined. 

"What... what happened to you?" Rivers asked, stepping forward. "Do you have the pork and beans?" King Edward VIII slowly shook his head, the trauma dancing in his eyes. 

"No, no, he has it. He - he killed them all…"

"Start at the beginning!" Taft demanded. 

"So I was staying at this local hotel in Miami and then passed the Canadian prime ministers, who had been abandoned by Van Buren. They demanded the pork and beans from me. We had a deep philosophical discussion on who deserves it more, but then some guy named Ben gave a really convincing speech about how we should duel it out in a field outside Dallas. We agreed and set the date, and we got really hyped up for it. I was going to duel Robert Borden to the death. But 5 minutes before the duel, he showed up." Edward gave out a shaky breath. The Weezers waited, silent. 

"Who?" Patrick prompted, and in reply, Edward responded with barely a whisper. "It was Donald…"

"D-Donald!?! You're saying it was... Donald Rumsfeld, the famous politician!?!?" Brian stuttered. King Edward VIII only continued to stare ahead, it was all the answer they needed. 

"Aw shoot, we're screwed, Rumsfeld is unstoppable, everyone knows that," Matt said glumly. 

King Edward only started to laugh. "You wish," he muttered. "It's worse, much worse." King Edward swallowed, shaking at the thought of having to say this. 

"After months of being held hostage, Donald has gone savage. I'm not talking about Donald Rumsfeld. I'm talking about Donald the tennis ball." The ringing silence in the sewer echoed louder than a falcon's screech. Even David looked affected by what he had just heard. Donald the tennis ball's supposed power was legendary. When it came down to it, Rumsfeld was still a man, but Donald the tennis ball, he was something else, a different breed. Savage yet civilized, despicable yet righteous, a devil and a god. Unstoppable. 

"We have to pick up our speed," Matt declared. "If he went for the pork and beans, he'll probably go for the Mexican Fender. We can ambush him in Japan." 

"What's the situation on the ice caps currently?" Rivers asked David.

"Uh, I could FaceTime Parker if you want, he could tell you in depth how every square inch of each of the polar ice caps are doing."

"Yeah, good idea," Rivers said as David pulled out his phone and dialed Parker.

"That's a nice phone you got, huh?" Patrick said, trying to make small talk.

"Yeah, it is... It's an iPhone13, just got it the other day," David responded.

"Yeah... that's cool... I've always wanted a nice iPhone, mine's pretty outdated."

"Really?"

"Yeah, it's an iPhone 6."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Your case is nice though."

"You think?"

"Oh yeah, definitely."

"Gee, thanks, I got it pretty cheap on Scamazon."

"Huh, that's interesting."

"Not really, it's just a phone case."

"I guess it is."

"... Yeah, it's a pretty nice phone case."

"Mmhm..."

"... So... yeah, it's also massless"

"Is that so..."

"Yep..."

"..."

"..." Then Parker picked up.

"Oh hey David, I know you're probably busy, but could you help me with this physics homework? How did you do number 6? I think I got the right answer but I just want to check." 

"Hearts of Iron IV is a grand strategy wargame that primarily revolves around World War II. The player may play as any nation in the world in the 1936 or 1939 start dates in singleplayer or multiplayers, although the game is not designed to go beyond 1950. A nation's military is divided between naval forces, aerial forces, and ground forces. For the ground forces, the player may train, customize, and command divisions consisting of various types of infantry, tanks, and other units. These divisions require equipment and manpower to fight properly. The navy and air force also require men and equipment, including the actual warships and warplanes that are used in combat. Equipment is produced by military factories, while ships are built by dockyards. These military factories and dockyards are, in turn, constructed by civilian factories, which also construct a variety of other buildings, produce consumer goods for the civilian population, and oversee commerce with other nations. Most nations are initially forced to devote a significant number of their civilian factories to producing consumer goods, but as the nation becomes increasingly mobilized, more factories will be freed up for other purposes. Mobilization is represented as a "policy" that the player may adjust with the proper amount of political power, an abstract "resource" that is also used to appoint new ministers and change other facets of the nation's government. In addition to mobilization, there are other policies, including the nation's stance on conscription and commerce," David said.

"Hey, what was that? I didn't catch," Parker said.

"I said that it was b."

"Oh, well, I got a."

"Huh, take a picture of your work."

"Uh... ok." The Weezers heard Parker muttering to himself as he took the photo. Then, after a little waiting, David saw the work on his phone.

"Oh, I see what you did, you forgot to account for the gravitational attraction of Beta Pictoris B."

"Oh, beneath the ever formidable leer of one all mighty, I shall never again hope to ever encounter a scene as ignominious, for I have yet to comprehend the true dearth of what in every right I needn't assistance - for such cardinal conception as the gravitational field, by nothing other than Beta Pictoris B. I hereby entreat, from the most benign, to forgive the unpardonable misdeed." 

"Um... yeah," David said in a very confused voice, "of course."

"I think that guy almighty that you're talking about, he just gave me a thumbs 72.3 degrees up, which means that he forgives you and holds nothing against you. Just don't do it again."

"Anyways," David said trying to change the subject, "we need your help for-"

"Crap!" David thought to himself, "What do I need to ask again?" It'd been so long since he'd last thought about what he was going to ask that he had forgotten!

"Oh I found it!" Patrick yelled further down the sewer. "Right here! 'Shortcut to Japan'!" 

"... Right," David said to Parker, "anyways, I hope you got everything, bye!" With that, they were officially off to head to Japan.

𐐘 𐐘 𐐘 𐐘

"So, you wanted us to go here?" Rivers asked.

"Yep!" Patrick said.

"Where's the shortcut? I don't get it." 

David sighed. "Just follow me," he said. He went into the dark tunnel, and waited for the others to follow. Once caught up, David pulled out a blacklight and shone it around the walls until he saw a rather big, crudely drawn arrow pointing downwards. He then turned off the light and lifted the concrete slab lining the bottom of the tunnel, and jumped in. 

"Gee whiz," Taft said, "that's a pretty tall drop, I can't do this, it's too scary."

"Well, that's a shame," said Matt, "because I'm going." Matt jumped into the tunnel as well.

Taft was slowly getting nervous, as he was self-conscious about whether he would be able to fit in the opening. "You know what, if everyone else goes, I'll go." Taft remarked. Taft watched as Rivers, Brian, and Patrick all passed and hopped in, without even taking a second glance, Taft gulped.

"I... I can do this..." mumbled Taft. "There's..." Taft gulped. "...there's... nothing... to worry... about."

He closed his eyes and stepped forward, feeling his feet fall below where the floor should be, and his body plunged into the darkness. Then, he hit the ground with a thud.

"See that wasn't so bad," Brian said.

"I guess not," Taft replied. David began to speak.

"Now, I know the tunnels, but honestly, there's not much difficulty here. Just follow the arrows and you'll be good." David took off with a blacklight and a flashlight, seemingly forgetting the fact that there weren't enough for everybody. He just left. 

"Let's stay together," Rivers said. They quickly ran after David, but David was nowhere to be seen. There were three tunnels before them.

"Which one should we go through?" Rivers said aloud. "Here, let me scout," Patrick interjected. But as he was about to approach the rightmost tunnel, a menacing squeak startled them all. Taft, Patrick, and Brian rushed away from the sound, only to fall into a hole, while Rivers, Matt, and King Edward VIII ran into the leftmost tunnel. It became clear - they were going to need to make their way out alone. Brian, Taft, and Patrick were in one tunnel, and King Edward, Rivers, and Matt were in the other. Weezer had split up. 

Brian held up his flashlight and lit the path ahead of them. Taft and Patrick shivered as they walked through the dank and dark sewer. Taft was terrified. He had always been afraid of the dark, but this was another level. Not only was he in a dark sewer, but it smelled awful, he had pretty much nobody there, and if something dangerous happened, there would be nobody to protect them. Nothing stood between them and death except for the fact that nothing would kill them.

Taft sunk to his knees. "I can't do this any more, I'm cold and scared. How do we know what's hiding in the dark?" He said.

"I guess we don't," Patrick replied, unafraid. It took a while before the rest of the group realized Taft still hadn't moved. Brian reluctantly walked back to Taft. "Look, we have to keep going. I got this blacklight here, it's going to keep the ghosts away. Did you know, ghosts fear nothing more than blacklight?" Taft looked up. "Did you just make that up?" He asked.

"Maybe so," said Brian, "but also if they saw what was on the walls of the sewers, I think they'd run too." Brian pointed out the random splotches of substance, highlighted by the blacklight.

"Disgusting," replied Taft.

"Is that good?"

"Yeah, yeah." They walked as a group down the sewer, continuing to follow the indicated arrows. They rarely talked. Patrick started to feel slightly hot as the tunnel became deeper, and Taft started to feel hungry. But they forgot this when they heard definite splattering some ways down the tunnel. Taft's heart raced. "What's that? What's happening?"

“Don't worry, it's just me," Patrick said as he threw tomatoes on the ground.

"Want one?" he asked as he held the tomato, but the splattering continued. But undeniable was the fact that it was time for some tomatoes. They sat down to eat.

"Mmm mmm mmm, these are some yummy tomatoes," Patrick said.

"Superb, I have to say," Taft commented.

"Mind if I have some?" asked Brian

"Not at all," Patrick said as he threw a tomato at Brian. As the three sat and ate tomatoes, it occurred to Taft that this might not be as bad as he thought it was.

"OH MY GOD," Patrick screamed. 

"WHAT!?" Brian asked. 

"THE MEANING OF LIFE! I KNOW IT!"

"Wait, no, I forgot it." They went back to eating their tomato-eating. "Can I have another tomato?" Brian asked.

"Sure" Patrick replied, throwing another tomato at Brian, but the supersonic tomato missed Brian, instead flying down the tunnel and disappearing in the darkness. It was followed by a thud, and an "ow."

"You missed, just roll it to me this time," Brian said. Suddenly, everyone stopped talking. They recognized the voice as belonging to Martin Van Buren. They sat silently as they waited to see if they would hear another sound. Patrick rolled a tomato to Brian, but the supersonic tomato missed Brian, and rolled into the darkness to hit Martin Van Buren again. 

"Ah!" he yelled, "Stop that!" They all stood up, and Brian shone the blacklight toward the direction of Van Buren. 

"Wait... I'm getting hungry, and not just for tomatoes, I want some protein," Brian said. Unfortunately, protein would have to wait, as they saw Van Buren, clear as day.

"Good thing there is plenty of plankton in the sewer water," Van Buren replied, still approaching menacingly. "Although I'm afraid it'll have to wait until our little encounter." 

"Well, even so, there are chemicals in the water. And you know what they do to the frogs - imagine what they'd do to me!"

"You know what else is in the water?" Taft asked Van Buren.

"What?" Van Buren asked, genuinely curious.

"Your mom!" Van Buren's eyes widened as he bent over searching for his mother.

"WHERE'D YOU PUT HER YOU SICK MONSTER!" Van Buren screamed. Then, Taft shoved Van Buren into the water. "Ha! I did it!" yelled Taft. Unfortunately, Van Buren was not out - he was enraged. Each second that Van Buren spent in water was another eye on his forehead, the sewer was mutating him! Brian analyzed the situation. He realized that there were two options. First, he could take him out of the water to fight him. Three on one were good odds. However, there was another choice. Van Buren couldn't handle the mutations forever. Dunk him long enough, and it should be lights out for MVB. But if he was wrong, it would create a SuperBuren, who would surely kill them all. Then, Van Buren sank beneath the surface of the water, the three sprinted away into the tunnels, leaving Van Buren for dead. 

Taft was ecstatic. Not for leaving Van Buren to die, of course, but for the thrill of it all. He lived! He was well off, and ready to face whatever came next in the tunnels…

Meanwhile, Rivers and his crew were already lost in the tunnels. King Edward was fuming. 

"We wouldn't be lost if not for that idiot David! Left us behind, the bloody fool." And then King Edward VIII slipped and fell into the sewer. The sewer took him down a path at such a velocity that Rivers and crew would need to join him.

"HELP ME! I CAN'T SWIM!"

Do you help him? If yes, you do, go to page 34, if no, you don't, go to page 14

Chapter Text

Page 14: this is the wrong choice. you lose

Page 34: They instantly took after him, Rivers dove into the sewer water and Matt followed right behind him. When they resurfaced, King Edward VIII was gone!

"Oh god, where is he?" Rivers asked uneasily, then it hit him, King Edward VIII was playing hide and seek and Rivers was ‘it’. He must find King Edward VIII. Rivers had never in his life before lost a game of hide-and-seek. He had to show everyone that he was the ultimate champion.

"King Edwarddddddd, where are youuuuuuu," he yelled. Matt sighed quite audibly. "Rivers! Edward! We have to keep going!" Rivers ignored him, and started searching in a methodical way that was unbeatable in hide-and-seek. He looked into a shallow gate in the wall, turned away, then quietly peeked back to see if Edward would reveal himself, But he was good. Rivers considered his options, if Edward was hiding under the water, he would eventually have to surface, even if he was in an air pocket. Slowly, a wicked smile crept up his face, this was a game he could not lose.

Something glinted in the sunlight, it was... it was a crown, King Edward's crown! Rivers quickly swam to Edward and screamed, "found you!" Edward didn't move.

"Aw crap, that's not good," Rivers muttered. It looked like Edward hadn't been playing hide-and-seek after all, he had been drowning. "Edward! Stop drowning!" Rivers commanded. Luckily, Matt was familiar with anti-drowning procedures, and after casting a spell, King Edward was breathing fine again. All of the sudden, Edward fell into an inconvenient lava pool that was right behind him and he burned to a crisp almost instantly, or so Rivers thought. Little did he know, Edward actually had drunk a potion of fire resistance and soon enough, King Edward VIII resurfaced.

"Diamonds!" he yelled, "I found diamonds at the bottom of the lava pool!" Rivers quickly jumped into the lava pool, but he had forgotten to use his fire res pot! Luckily, the lava had solidified before he had a chance to be burned, he was so lucky, it was literally a one in seven trillion chance that that would happen. Without warning, footsteps manifested just a couple meters behind them. Rivers and Matt whirled around to see a woman dressed in purple.

"So, you think you can beat me?" She asked menacingly. "I have a four star iron sword and a four star shield, and my strength is at almost 5 billion!" 

King Edward VIII slowly rose from the lava, dramatically illuminated by the it’s fiery glow. 

"Well, I have a five star, sharpness three netherite sword, a full five star, prot five netherite armor, and a legendary bow with flame, infinity, and mending. My strength is 420 hextillion!" The mysterious woman in purple fell to her knees, her face mortified and in a state of shock. Her movements seemed almost robotic as she realized how utterly defeated she was.

"How did you get so strong?!" She cried out.

"Well, there's a starter chest and I opened it." Edward explained while the woman listened intently. 

Rivers stood completely confused, what were they talking about, a 5 star netherite sword? Did he mean that it was at full durability? And what was a hextillion? Did he mean sextillion which is the name for that number on wikipedia. Hextillion isn't even how you're supposed to say that anyways, everyone knows it's pronounced hexillion. One thing was clear to Rivers, King Edward wasn't a true gamer and obviously King Edward had messed with the drop tables in some way. It was impossible for him to not even know the actual name of “sextillion” and yet know the odds. He had illegally modified the game in some way.

"I'm just really lucky," King Edward said, but to no avail. A several month investigation began and in the end, it turned out that King Edward had been cheating.

After ruining his career, Edward turned to drinking as his only solace. Eventually, he was diagnosed with liver cancer and after trying to quit for years and attending AA meetings, he lost all hope. Edward's body was found the following morning in an empty street corner. Later, the coroner placed the cause of death as a drug overdose. His body was buried at St. George's Chapel, no one attended his funeral. But that was if the investigation team could survive the encounter! As the team slowly walked forward towards them, King Edward pulled out his swords, armour, and shields, tossing them to Rivers and Matt. He took a breath and leveled a squinted but menacing gaze, dramatized by the low lighting in the chamber.

"Rivers, Matt, you have to fight with me,” he said. "I've seen what the future holds for me if I don't win this fight, it means death," Edward turned to face his comrades, "it's been an honor." King Edward, stood up, got onto his horse and pulled out his handy dandy lance and charged at the investigation team, no one would know if he had cheated or not, he would make sure of that!

Matt watched intently as he geared up along with Rivers. Considering the space, a lancer cavalry wouldn't be ideal, although it didn't seem like there were enough opponents to effectively stop King Edward's charge. Matt smiled. The fight seemed to already be over, but as King Edward approached, more figures approached within view. Matt's eyes grew wide, as he realized their true opponent. 

"Retreat!" he yelled to Edward, who turned his mount around. Matt calculated quickly. The opponent's forces seemed to consist of infantrymen roughly 40 strong, although he could distinctly make out a reserve force of perhaps ten. He watched as they approached, and there indeed were around ten in reserves, plus an extra person, who seemed to have dementia considering his behavior. It was none other than Napoleon Clonaparte, a clone of some dead fr*nch guy with the name Napoleon Bonaparte. A smile came across Matt's lips. This was his time for revenge. 

As soon as King Edward reached them, Matt ushered them further back. He had scouted the area earlier when Edward and Rivers were playing hide and seek, and knew that there was an open area further back, rendered by the new cave generation update. As soon as he reached the open area, he immediately gave out his orders. Using the spawn eggs that King Edward happened to have, Matt readied two cavalry task forces, and waited for Napoleon's force to advance…

Once in the cave, Matt ordered the two cavalry groups to charge upon Napoleon's force from the forward right and forward left directions. Napoleon, having some experience with military tactics, ordered his units into a square formation, a perfect counter for a cavalry charge from multiple directions. However, before they could run into the teeth of bayonets, King Edward, who led the charge, veered the forces to miss the soldiers. Matt smiled, everything was according to plan. As they had been so focused on the oncoming cavalry charge, they failed to notice Rivers, who had pulled up with an artillery cannon in the ebon of the cave. He fired at point blank range toward the bunched up and very immobile formation of Napoleon's forces. This devastated the infantrymen, and gaping holes began to emerge in the formation. King Edward went turned back to cut down the men, while pawning a bunch of zombies. Despite having superior weapons and training, the troops were unable to form an effective front line and many of Napoleon's men fell. Horrified, Napoleon ordered a general retreat; those not locked in combat made an effort, however, Matt now pulled out his rifle as he started to sharpshoot to retreating men. Matt calculated that less than fifteen of Napoleon's men remained standing, including the reserves. Matt smiled, knowing the battle was a victory, but he couldn't let his guard down, however, as even though the battle may have been won, the war was not over, they were still outnumbered.

As Matt stood pondering what to do next, King Edward VIII took action and charged at the retreating men. 

"I SURRENDER," Napoleon Clonaparte screamed, but King Edward continued his charge and turned the 15 men into a shish kabob. Now a war criminal, King Edward grinned with pride at his work. 

Napoleon and the woman in purple were now backing up. As King Edward VIII got ready for another charge after cleaning his lance, the man cloaked in black appeared.

"Yes, thank you And- er... I mean, thanks… um… thanks Jim." The woman stuttered. 

The man cloaked in black faced Matt. "You win this time, but we'll see each other soon enough. Bye for now." He winked at Rivers, and Napoleon stuck his tongue out at Matt as they fled. 

While Rivers took a quick dump behind the corner, the group awkwardly waited for him to finish. Then, after the final plop they heard a zip and Rivers emerged. They then continued on their journey, they still had a long way to go, but they were ready for anything... 

Meanwhile, Brian's group was taking a break to catch some breath.

"You think we got away?" Taft asked.

"I hope so," Brian answered. Once they regained their breath, they decided to play a board game.

"I don't like monopoly!" Patrick exclaimed, "Can we play something that is easier like chutes and ladders? Monopoly is just too complicated." 

"Um, what do we have..." Taft checked his pockets, "oh, I forgot, I bought a gaming PC and a generator!" Taft pulled them out of his coat pocket. "You want to play chutes and ladders on this baby?"

After Taft saved and closed the game of hoi4 that he had been playing earlier, he opened up https://toytheater.com/snakes-and-ladders/ .

"What color do you want Patrick?" Taft asked.

"I'll take green, my favorite color," Taft replied.

"I'll have blue," Rivers added. 

"Wait, I think there's no internet down here, is there?" Rivers inquired. Rivers was right, and Google’s “dinosaur game” loaded up instead of Snakes and Ladders. Impressively, Taft's record was 204672.

"Those are rookie numbers," Patrick laughed, "I've hit 341328 and I think King Edward got 2321749 the other day!" 

"Here, let me do something," Taft said, as he started to fiddle with the keyboard. He pressed ctrl+shift+i, and changed a couple things, "here, I did it." He had recreated the entire earth down to each subatomic particle, and then modified it into a three dimensional structure on which to play chutes and ladders, offline.

"I think this looks cooler," Taft remarked. 

“Ehhh, it’s fine, inoffensive but nothing special,” Patrick said. They began to play, "You still want blue rivers?" Taft asked.

"Yeah, definitely," Rivers said.

"I'll still take green," Patrick added.

"And I guess that I'll take red," Taft said. Rivers, being the greatest man that ever lived, went first. Then it would be Patrick, and then Taft after. When it came back to Rivers he quickly pulled off his pants and began playing in his underwear.

“What are you doing?” asked Patrick while Rivers began to sing a church hymn about how amazing he was.

“Is he okay?” asked Taft.

“Oh, yeah, he’s just a troublemaker like that sometimes,” replied Patrick, “it’s just a matter of waiting for him to get tired.” Patrick spun the spinner, he got a 6.

"Aw man Pat, you just got chutes," Rivers said, feigning bitterness. Patrick brought his piece all the way back to the third square.

"This sucks!" he said. As they continued to play, a man approached from the depth of the cave. Brian scrutinized him. "Oh hey Van Buren, your back."

"*you're,” Patrick corrected.

"Noooo, don't play without me!" Van Buren fell on the floor and flailed about his seven now deformed limbs, as he whined, "you were supposed to wait for meeeee!" he whined.

As Van Buren flopped on the floor, the rest of Weezer tried to glance away, but as the flopping intensified they couldn't help but look. Van Buren's face looked like it had experienced a plane crash and an acid bath at the same time and every part of his body was mutated and disgusting. Taft took a step forward, using his foot to turn Van Buren over so that they couldn't look at his face, then he kicked Van Buren back into the sewer. Van Buren's body splashed into the water and after a minute or two, bubbles stopped coming up.

"Jesus, I guess that's why you don't swim in radioactive sludge," Rivers said.

"Let's just get back to playing chutes and ladders," Patrick said irritated by the interruption, "It's your turn Rivers." Rivers spun the spinner, and got an eight, even though the spinner only went up to six.

"How is that possible?" Taft exclaimed. Patrick shrugged. "Well, an eight’s an eight." Rivers moved his figurine past Lisbon, he was only three away from winning. Taft took the spinner and spun it as hard as he could, he got a 3 and landed onto a ladder, he was now in Belfast.

Patrick took the spinner and spun it, 4, he landed on a ladder and climbed to greenland, still sorely behind, he began to sweat. When Rivers went to spin the spinner, his elbow 'accidentally' pushed a mysterious button. Taft gasped. "Oh, no, now 15 sticks of dynamite are going to detonate in 7 minutes."

"Wait, we should finish the game first." Rivers remarked, “we’re this far already.” Taft looked at the game board, Rivers was right. He was so close to winning. Taft spun, 5, a slide.

"Crap," he said.

"Sucks to suck," Rivers said. Taft moved his piece to Tokyo. The clock was ticking. They had to spin quickly, they didn’t have much time. Rivers spun a 4. "Nooo, I need a three. Quick, Taft, go."

"You mean me," Patrick said, glaring at Rivers, Patrick quickly took the spinner and spun a 4. He landed on a ladder! "Ulaanbaatar!" Patrick said. 

Taft spun the spinner, a sweat ticking down his brow. He spun a three, which got him to a ladder. "Yay" he said. This was good. This got him to ninety five. The only thing he had to worry about was a four, which was very difficult to spin. He should be in good shape.

Rivers took a turn, "nuts," he said, "a six!" 

Patrick took the spinner, "Guys, it was really fun playing with you, winning is fun, but having fun with your friends is really what matters." Then he rolled a d20 and began to sweat when it looked like it was going to roll an 8, he blew the dice as subtly as he could and jumped with joy when he saw it hit an 18. Patrick had just won.

"Nooooo!" Rivers yelled. "I wanted to win!"

"Uh, guys," Taft interjected, "maybe we should head toward Japan? The dynamite is going to detonate pretty soon."

"Wait" Patrick said. "Let me do a victory dance." As Patrick did the Macarena, Rivers started to develop an escape plan. “We are short on time, once Patrick is done dancing we'll only have 15 seconds to escape the blast zone!” 

“More than 100 words,” Patrick said.

"Huh?" Taft asked. 

There were 13 seconds left. Rivers knew that if they managed to decipher what the inscription meant, they would be able to get out.

"I think it's like ligma," Taft said.

"Are you sure?" Patrick questioned, "I feel like it's probably like Candice."

Rivers was conflicted. Time was running out, they had now ten seconds. They heard some rumbling, and behind them a bigger version of Martin Van Buren with 20 limbs and 15 sets of eyes appeared, but no one payed him any attention.

"RUN, I HAVE NEVER DEFUSED A BOMB BEFORE, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!" Rivers screamed.

"I can help you...." Explained Joe Biden, "I Have lots of experience defusing things... But what's in it for me?"

"Oh hey Joe," Rivers greeted. "how're the kids?"

"Which ones? I gained a few more since my last time here... If you want, I can, uh, set you up, if, uh, you know what im talking about..."

Joe sniffed 

"Great, Joe, we really need your help getting out of here" Taft interjected. "I have four nickels I could give you if you help us."

Joe considered, "Ok," he said.

"More than 100 words," Joe Biden said. Everyone gasped it was the secret phrase that they had needed all along, Hillary Clinton emerged from the mist!

And not with a second to spare, extending her arms in all directions, shielding them from the blast. Rivers peaked through his arms covering his head, crouched, to see Hilary Clinton hovering over them. 

"Thank you Hillery," Rivers said shakily. But Hilary only gave a wide smile and stepped back, holding up a finger. She touched both corners of her mouth and began to stretch. Then she took off her mask to reveal that she was actually Mike Pence. Mike took a step forward, follow me, I know the path. As he took a step forward he miscalculated and stepped on a landmine!

Luckily, he was blast resistant. He took another step, carefully, but miscalculated again and stepped on Brian's hand. "Ouch," Mike said right before he blew up.

But luckily, he was blast resistant. However, he was not Brian's hand resistant. Brian's hand snakes into vines and his fingers began to lengthen as they tightened around Mike's leg. Mike yelled out in pain. 

"Oh yeah, can I have my four nickels?" Joe asked Taft.

"No, what am I, rich?" Taft asked, clearly annoyed by Joe's consistent nagging. "You're not even on the good guys' side, go away!" 

"But you said you'll give it!!" Joe whined.

"Joe! Be quiet!" Rivers called. "What's the problem?"

"Taft said he'll give me four nickels, he lied and tricked me!" Joe burst out into tears.

"Taft, apologize." Rivers commanded.

"I'm sorry" Taft mumbled to Joe. Joe looked up with a frowny face at Taft. "I still need the four nickels."

"Well, you see, I was actually planning to buy my pet cat a souvenir from Japan with that. Rivers, you understand, right?" Rivers sighed, "Joe, if you can show us the way to Japan, I'll give you five nickels. But only under one condition: you forgive Taft and you see that we make it there. Deal?"

"Deal," Joe said, shaking Rivers' hand. 

Then... all of the sudden... Mike blew up!!! Luckily, Mike was blast resistant.

"Hey Mike, could you go find Patrick's group?" Joe said. Joe looked at Rivers. "Since we're friends now." But then Rivers took off his mask to reveal that he was actually Patrick. "I'm Patrick, actually. I've been wearing this mask for a while now, it was getting sweaty. Anyway, it's Rivers' group. Go find Rivers' group."

"Where are they?" Mike asked.

"Just go down that way and scream as loud as you can, if you can't find them, I would suggest putting your hands above your head and screaming help while you run in circles," Brian suggested.

"Thanks," Mike said right before he blew up. He walked as he blew up, that was his favorite pastime. He considered calling out for Rivers, but blowing up was a lot of fun and he didn't really want to stop. As he blew up, he damaged a lot of the cave ceiling. He only paused to take breaths so he could continue blowing up, but soon his lungs were getting quite tired from constantly blowing up. He found this strange, as he could usually continue this for a while longer. Maybe I should stop blowing up, Mike thought.

He blew up one last time, then, he continued to walk through the dark corridors, he couldn't help but feel paranoid that someone was watching him, it was the narrator. 

"Should I end the chapter?" The narrator wondered aloud.

"What?! No! I finally get to be the main guy!" Mike Pence argued.

"Here let me take a quick poll on Twitter." But as the narrator pulled up Twitter, he got so much brain damage that he had a stroke, a panic attack, a concussion, then a seizure in that order and passed out. For now, Mike would keep walking.

Chapter Text

Weezer the Obama Crisis: Chapter 7

Chapter Text

The narrator (me) woke up, disoriented. He looked around for his phone, but he couldn't find it. For how long was he out? Did he miss chapter seven? He quickly turned spectator mode on to see what the situation was. 

"Wait, what? I'm the narrator!" a voice said.

"Hold on! I’m the narrator!" said a different voice.

"What do you mean? I'm literally the narrator." said a third voice.

"No u," said the first voice"

Nevertheless, one of the narrators found their phone. It was wedged into the drywall on the ceiling above them, right next to his Obama cardboard cutout.

The narrator(s) looked onto the scene, Rivers and the group were tired looking and disheveled, what had happened?

"I- I- I can't believe that just happened, it just, I mean, what do I say?" Rivers said, clearly disturbed by some unknown event…

"Rivers, it's okay, just move on," Matt said. 

"Okay, okay," Rivers took a deep sigh, "let's just keep moving, I feel like we've been here for too long already…" The narrator(s) gazed onto the scene confused, what was happening? They must have missed chapter seven, They cursed himself inwardly, this had never happened before, but they pushed those thoughts away and continued to watch Weezer's journey.

Patrick seemed to be having a hard time supporting Taft's weight. 

"Brian!" He yelled. "Help out, there's a man with a broken leg here!" 

"No!" Brian yelled back, "not until we find Joe, he might be gone… forever…" 

Brian turned around and Patrick sighed, "We have to leave him, we need to get to Japan. He bought us enough time, I'm sure." 

Brian looked into Patrick's eyes, "promise to go to France with me after this is all over, alright?" 

"We don't even know if that's where he went." 

"Still…" There was a pause. 

"Okay, I'll go with you, after…" Patrick promised. Patrick got off his hands and knees and began speaking to Zorb, the alien leader. 

"We must go now!" Patrick declared to Zorb. Zorb looked at Patrick’s eyes, gazing into his soul. 

"You may be unintelligent, but you are pure of heart." 

Patrick shed one tear and opened the door moving aside right before the giant flamingo statue fell. 

"Maybe next time bud," Patrick said, smiling a little to himself trying not to cry.

"Very well," the alien said, "until next time. But take this…" Zorb handed them two more dobaboards. 

"You know what to do," and with that, the aliens were gone, going after Romala Harris and Napoleon Clonaparte. With the dobaboards, they woudl be able to reach Japan in just five more minutes. Taft came out of the darkness, still recovering from his overdose on jeruseeds and took a doboboard. He placed it on the ground and Brian and Patrick took a step back. Taft fumbled with his zipper and began to urinate on the dobaboards. Then, once he was done he also took a step back and watched in silence as a tentacled monster began to grow in front of them. After a few minutes Taft picked it up, slugged it over his shoulder and slammed it on the grill. As the monster cried out in pain Taft stood idly by the giant salamander. Soon… it was done and Taft picked it off the grill, he cut it into three, roughly equal pieces and the Weezers began to eat.

Rivers’ group seemed to be still making progress since they were last shown. They shone their blacklight, following the arrows.
"Wait, I found diamond ore!" King Edward VIII exclaimed. Rivers rolled his eyes, "We don't even have an iron pickaxe!" 

"Shhh!" Matt shushed. He held up a finger, listening intently. Was that the sound of someone blowing up?

They all stood silent and listened, nothing… "It must've just been the wind," King Edward VIII said sheepishly. Then, from around the corner, footsteps approached. Then, they stopped. 

"Who's there?" Rivers called. Out of the corner, a mess of pasta and meatballs came floating out. 

"I am the Levitating Pasta Abomination. Not to be confused with the Flying Spaghetti Monster or the Floating Ravioli Monster, that's my brother and my cousin respectively."

Then, the LPA kicked them so hard and they were now in one of the artificial islands that China had made some time ago for their military or something.

"Oh shoot, let's go back," Rivers sighed with irritation, they climbed back into the sewer. Then, out of the darkness came a short man, very short indeed, it was Napoleon Clonaparte! Matt glared at the midget with hatred in his eyes. 

"You're short," Matt said mockingly. 

"I was average height for my age!" Clonaparte said angrily, trying to keep a brave face, but they could all tell that what Matt had said had made a deep emotional scar. Clonaparte shot Matt with his pistol, or at least he tried to, but his crappy, short barrel, no good pistol missed by fourteen and a half inches, equivalent to twenty-nine half inches or fifty-eight quarter inches. 

Then Matt pulled out his massive, huge, nine inch co- pistol and shot Napoleon point blank! It didn’t even leave a scratch.
"Don't you know?" Napoleon jeered, "I'm a clone, I'm made of metal!"

Matt gritted his teeth. "How are we supposed to get past?" he wondered aloud. 

"Oh, yeah," Napoleon interjected, "I was actually planning to audition for this part in a play as the sphinx, and on the sheet it said we need to come up with a good riddle to stump the audience, so, yeah…" 

"You want us to rate your riddle?" Rivers asked. 

"Yeah, and if you answer correctly, I'll let you past, ya know, cuz I'm supposed to the the sphinx, and like, the sphinx-" 

"Yeah, we got it." King Edward VIII cut him off. Napoleon cleared his throat. 

"Ok… What four dimensional shape has no edges, one face, and can connect with itself an odd number of times to remain topologically the same?" 

"A Klein bottle." they all replied, in unison. 

"Uh…" Napoleon stammered. "w-was as it th-that easy?" 

"Yeah. That's like, what? Something you'd ask a two year old? Come up with something more original!" Rivers scorned. 

"But… but… I know so much about Klein bottles!" Napoleon whined, "I'm sure I could come up with a harder riddle about Klein bottles!" 

Rivers shook his head. "No, I'm pretty sure I know more about Klein bottles than you." Napoleon puffed up his chest, "Oh yeah? I've watched like three Numberphile videos on it." Rivers chuckled, "I watched like ten or something." Napoleon raised his eyebrows, "Ten!!? There's that many?" Rivers shrugged. "Like it was in a playlist, I watched the entire thing."
"Did you see the one where they had the seventeen klein bottles?" Rivers nodded, "Yeah, and it had a half turn to make it a Möbius strip made of klein bottles, right? That was pretty cool." 

"Yeah, okay, dang." Napoleon looked off to the distance, "I need to watch more then, I guess. You think the riddle should be about Klein bottles though?" 

"No, do it on something like contour integration." Rivers suggested. 

"Or Lorentz transformation!" Matt addd enthusiastically (he’s really into Lorentz transformations), "that would make a good riddle!" Napoleon nodded thoughtfully. "Okay, thanks, guys. You guys really helped me out! Bye." 

But before Napoleon could leave Matt yelled something extraordinary: "What shape has 4 edges, 4 corners, and has 4 90 degree angles?" Napoleon froze, he didn't know... "Uhhhh, uhhh, I d-don't k-know," he said in utter and complete fear. Matt smiled. "Checkmate," he said as a beam of light surrounded Napoleon, it was a tractor beam! Napoleon screamed as he was pulled up into the UFO of the communist aliens!!!

"Anarcho-monarchist" the aliens corrected. "Just cuz you don't recognize it doesn't mean we're communist!" 

The narrator fervently apologized and the aliens took Napoleon away. Now the Weezers were free to continue heading toward Japan, until all of the sudden Rivers realized that he was under mountains and mountains of sleep debt and if he didn't have nap time soon, the sleep debt fairy would sentence him to 3 weeks of sleep! He had to find a bed… and fast!

"Guys… I think George the sleep fairy is coming, and I'm in some serious debt that I need to pay off. I really need to sleep!" Rivers exclaimed. 

Matt considered their options. "Well, we need three wool to make a bed, so we'd need to leave the sewers, we'd also have to wait until night time…" 

"Isn't it night time in like… Spain?" Edward pointed out. 

"Oh yeah, he's right! We can just quickly call an airplane so that I can pay off my sleep debt in Spain, and we can just fly back right here tomorrow and continue heading to Japan!" Rivers said, sounding relieved. 

"Uh, I think..." Matt started. 

"No, it's decided. This is imperative. If I don't pay off my sleep debt, we'd all be in serious trouble." 

"No, the thing is-" But Rivers and Edward weren't listening. They put their hands over their ears and shook their heads as they sang the first song that came to their mind, trying to block Matt’s annoying voice out.

They worked quickly, they had too, they could hear the sound of George's singing coming closer and closer, until it was all they could hear. After what felt like hours of work, even though it couldn't have been more than 5 minutes, they had made a sizable hole out of the sewer and quickly climbed out. Only there was just one problem, Edward wasn't athletic enough to traverse the wall! 

"Quick!" Rivers exclaimed, "I can see him!" 

George floated over the ground smiling all the way. "Want to start a book club?" George asked with a whisper, "I think the first book should be Noam Chompsky's Manufactured Consent, have you ever read that book before?" 

Taft screamed and screamed, dashing up the hole in the blink of an eye, but when it looked like he had totally emerged, they saw something terrifying. George was holding on to Edward's shoe! 

"Please, I need someone to play HOI4 with," George pleaded. Rivers searched his surroundings for anything they could use as a weapon and found just the right thing. He took a nearby manhole cover up from the ground and slammed it onto George's fingers. George screamed with pain, but still, he held on.
“ANARCHISM IS NOT A REALISTIC IDEOLOGY IN THE MODERN WORLD!” Rivers screamed, knowing George’s greatest weakness, George screamed again in pain, but refused to let go…

“THE LABOR THEORY OF VALUE IS DEAD!” This time, George only whimpered before letting out a final scream and falling back into the shadows.

Rivers then replaced the manhole cover and they went on their way, Edward was whistling God Save the Queen.

They called up their good friend Juan to take them to Spain. On the jet they decided to play a relaxing game of cards.

"You know," Juan said, "they don't call me chairman Juan anymore..." 

"What do they call you then?" Rivers asked, mildly interested.
"Juan the cannibal..."

What? Who was Juan? I quickly checked the file logs. He had apparently just appeared in the airplane. 

"You should meet Jim, he's pretty cool." Juan said. 

"Who's Jim?" Edward asked. 

"Oh he's an FSM, you'll have to wait and see." 

"We've actually met a FSM, the guy that gave Brian that sticker thing, right? Is it the same guy?" Juan shook his head, "no, if it would have been Jim, you would have been converted by now, they're Pictorians, from Beta Pictoris, cool place."

"Wait..." Matt wondered, confused. 

"What?" Juan asked. 

"I can't seem to remember..." 

"Remember what?" 

"Who…”

Juan listened intently.

“Who…”

Juan’s could barely contain his interest

“Who asked???"

Juan wilted away in front of the gang, his eyes evaporated and his limbs fell off. 

"AHHHHHHH," he screamed before dying. 

"Lmao," Matt said. 

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!" Rivers screamed before evaporating like Juan had seconds ago. 

Matt didn't even flinch, he knew he was dreaming, they hadn't escaped the catacombs of the sewers, but he knew they were close… so close to freedom! He needed to wake up, but he couldn't. 

"Wake up! Wake up!" he yelled to himself. He needed to awaken, things around began falling apart, the seats of the plane dissapeared, the wings were gone, the interior of the plane was now featureless, but he was still losing lucidity, if he didn't awaken now... the sandman would come! If he had learned anything in his months in the sewers, it was that you never let the sandman catch you, never... All around him, piles of sand began to flow around his feet, HE NEEDED TO WAKE UP!

Chapter Text

Then the plane thankfully crashed into Spain, waking Matt up. He walked out of the smoldering wreckage, luckily, only Juan seemed to have received any injury, a minor decapitation wound. Rivers briefly wondered if it was because of their plot armor, but he quickly discarded the thought to face the task at hand. 

"Quick, guys!" Rivers said to Matt and Edward, we need to do this fast, we may have have beaten George, but he’ll be back, and next time, he’ll be prepared…

"Find sheep and punch down some wood, we need to craft a bed," Matt directed, he was a world-class bed building speedrunner. 

"Be on the lookout for sheep. There's the plains biome over there, that’s where we should be able to find some."

Matt ran as quickly as possible, doing the math. He saw that there was a nearby lava pool, if he went for the nearest oak tree, no more than 35 blocks away, then with the wood he would build a wooden axe, and raid the nearby village. Noticing a blacksmith hut, he knew that he had a 32% chance of receiving the necessary iron to craft an iron pickaxe, still giving him the time to kill the two iron golems, build a bucket, and use the lava pool from earlier and a nearby pond to form a nether portal and enter into the nether and giving them an 8x travel speed. They would reach their destination in no time!

"Wait," Rivers called, "I need to sleep..." But Edward was already chasing after Matt. Rivers would have to make a crucial decision. Should he go to sleep and miss out on the adventure or should he enter the fun and possibly resummon George?

Rivers knew that he could only choose one or the other, quickly, he grabbed an axe and ran towards his friends, before methodically chopping off their legs. Their screams of agony filled Rivers with no joy, but he knew that behind their veneer of pain, they were glad he had chopped off their legs. Then he laid onto his cozy bed, kissed himself goodnight, and pulled the blankets up, it was naptime…

Only for his PCP to run out. He shook his head. He should have taken enough for the hallucination to last at least another ten minutes. He must be building up tolerance quicker than he suspected. With this, it was a true manhunt. He knew well how good of a speedrunner Matt was and he also knew about Edward’s strong combative skill. He would need to be careful of both of them. He would have to gear up and hunt them down after his nap. Then he'd win and be able to nag Matt about it for the rest of eternity and make him feel bad about himself. And Edward was always bragging about how great at the game he was. Plus it would make a great YouTube video. As he drifted off to sleep, he thought of the possible titles…

2 MINECRAFT SPEEDRUNNERS vs 100000+ IQHUNTER (PART 2 OF FINALE REMATCH)

He suddenly awoke, drenched in sweat. It was now day, and as Rivers looked out at the green grass and blue sky, he recalled the vivid nightmare from the previous night. It was a terrible dream of some dystopian world, where cities were being destroyed and atrocious war crimes were being committed without any actions from the international community. He shuddered and then remembered something. A prophecy, told to him in an elegant white castle on a hill, in the spacious and grand meeting room in the company of Geoffroi de Charney and his trusty oracle Pythia. Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a prince. But the prince is irrelevant to the story. The oracle Pythia told Rivers that one day Robama would consume the second sandwich, and rule with a reign of terror afterwards, casting a dark and oppressive shadow across the world. 

Their struggle against Robama to get to the sandwich first will be very difficult, but an opportunity will arise to turn the tide significantly. The oracle will send a nightmare to Rivers during one of his visits to Spain; and this will serve as a sign to Rivers that Clonamir Putin is about to wake up. If he can quickly run to Russia, he will be able to convince him to side against Robama. But if he fails to act, Robama will get there first. As the memory flooded back to Rivers, he considered. But was he really going to give up such a good opportunity for a YouTube video?

No, he couldn’t, if this video popped off he would get so much clout!! He drooled at the thought. He shook away the vision of Robama eating his sandwich and pulled up his mouse and keyboard, it was time to game…

Meanwhile, Matt was way ahead of the game. It had only been two minutes, but he already had full netherite armor and tools with full enchantments. Edward was struggling behind, and just resorted to becoming extra inventory for Matt, despite being powerful in combat, his speedrunning skills were poorly developed. Either way, they were now at the stronghold, and ready to enter the end. 

But then, Matt’s mom yelled, "Matt! Time for dinner honey!" 

"Oh my god mom! I’m doing something!" 

"WATCH YOUR ATTITUDE YOUNG MAN! THAT IS ENOUGH ELECTRONICS FOR ONE DAY!" There was a sudden click and Matt realized he had just lost his internet access!!!!!!

Matt had to get back to Minecraft. He had approximately 3 minutes to beat the current world record. That should be enough time for him to overthrow the government of Nicaragua with his CIA comrades and get back in time. He quickly went to the closest supermarket and bought provisions before taking a hike to Catalonia. There, he met up with big mustache man wearing MacArthur's sunglasses. He glanced at Matt approaching. "Change of plans," he called, and pulled out a manila folder labeled TOP SECRET in red. Matt accepted the folder, opening it to look at its hefty contents. "What now?" he asked. Big mustache man glanced around, and leaned in. 

"Right here," with a lowered voice, he pointed to a name. "Mr. Ikeman Jr. II" Matt immediately recognized the name. 

"Mr. Ikeman Jr.'s son?" Big mustache man nodded. "We need to take him out." He made nervous eye contact with Matt through the sunglasses. 

"We have credible reports saying that he gave food to starving people!" Matt gasped. He should have expected as much. 

"For free? What is he, a communist?" Big mustache man nodded sadly. 

"It's no joke. We have to stop him." Together, they caught a train to Vienna, where Mr. Ikeman Jr. II was hiding out. As you walk down the street, you see the epic chase starting. You try to get a closer look and with surprise you recognize Matt from the popular band Weezer. You follow them into an alleyway, where they corner two men; one who looks like he would be named Ike, and the other completely cloaked in black. "I will not let you touch Mr. Ikeman Jr. II," the man cloaked in black warned, but Mr. Ikeman Jr. II pushed the man cloaked in black away. 

"No, I don't even want your help. By the way what did you get on that political orientation quiz you took?" 

"Uh, I think it was like, national bolshevism...?" 

"That's pretty based," the big mustache man says. 

"Anyway, we are here to [classified information]" 

Mr. Ikeman Jr. II clearly looks shocked. 

"I know how to defeat Donald the Tennis Ball. I can help you!" Matt is happy with the arrangement, but the big mustache man is not. 

"No funny business, bub. We want you to help us to do [REDACTED] in Syria and a Nicaragua." 

Hearing this, you finally work up your nerves to speak up. 

"You know what else isn't funny?" you yell. They all turn to you in surprise. The man cloaked in black quietly unsheathes a knife beneath his cloak. 

"Climate change!" They all look absolutely shocked, and big mustache man disintegrates for now. I see it coming before you do, and the man cloaked in black charges. You think it's over. But then I teleport him in the last second. Obviously I can't kill him yet, he's too important to the plot! Matt holds his hands out to Mr. Ikeman Jr. II, "You know what, I think my philosophies have been flawed in the past. I suggest an alliance." 

Mr. Ikeman Jr. II accepts the hand with enthusiasm. Matt quickly glances at his watch, and realizes he's only got one minute left to beat the world record. 

"I really have to go," Matt says. He looks at you, and for a second you think there might be something in those eyes before remembering that you're a Weezer fan. With that, he's gone away like the wind. Matt goes to the library and boots up the 1999 dell desktop. He'll be cutting it close if he wants to beat the record, but this is probably his best chance. Even with Rivers on his tail, he knows that with perseverance, anything is possible, because teachers never lie. Matt believed in himself, and that was his greatest strength. With the power of friendship and believing in himself, he could do anything, he was unstoppable! I believe... I BELIEVE I CAN DO ANYTHING! Matt thought of everyone he had loved in his life, his friends and family (no girlfriends though because Weezer :( ) He thought of his parents, he thought of the way they had died. Murdered by orphans, his loving parents had been killed by orphans! And with that thought he turned his imagination into material. Matt opened his eyes and slowly he turned around towards the orphanage behind him... Suddenly it exploded into a burst of flame! He finally had what he had always been jealous that Rivers had, he now had laser eyes! 

(oh yeah, and also a russian man named youssef, who was the orphan's landlord was also destroyed in the name of Ike's calculator!) 

But that's a revenge arc for another time. He loaded Minecraft, and got ready to beat the rest of the game in 30 seconds. Meanwhile, Rivers had been looking everywhere for Matt. The compass seemed to be broken, it wasn't working in the overworld nor the nether. He had captured Edward and tried to get him to talk, but he refused to tell him anything. Rivers had tried various tactics, but no matter how many times he waterboarded the royal, he would stick to the same story that Matt had just disappeared. 

Now Rivers walked with full neatherite gear, ready to camp at the end. He threw the eye of ender, and it drifted into a hole. Looking in, he saw that it led to the stronghold. He looked at the hole, confused. Was Matt already at the end? That would explain the compass, but then why had he taken so long to beat the ender dragon? Cautiously, Rivers proceeded. The way to the portal room was easy enough to find. He got to the portal, and saw the one eye missing. His face slowly turned into a grin as he understood. This would be a perfect place to surprise Matt. Then Matt loaded into the world and immediately critted Rivers. Rivers yelled out in surprise. He stumbled back and pulled out his sword.
"You scared me," Rivers said. 

"Oh sorry, it's just a habit," Matt apologized. 

"What?" 

"Like the left click. I spam left click while the world is loading." 

"Oh. That's kinda weird, right?" 

"Um, I guess. Anyway, I have like 20 seconds to beat the dragon, so I'll get going," but Rivers stood his ground. This was his time to shine. He made sure that the camera was recording so that they could catch his amazing villain role play. He would get to sing his song! Who knows, maybe Hollywood would want to hire him after this. 

"Matt, Matt." He let out a dramatic sigh. The music came in right on que. 

"My name is Jonas I'm carryin' the wheel. Thanks for all you've shown us but this is how we feel." He stepped and snapped to the music. He danced just as he'd practiced for months. Briefly, the visions of future Disney movies featuring him flitted through his mind, but he'd have to stay focused. As he sang, he felt so immersed in the role. 

"The choo-choo train left right on time. A ticket costs only your mind. The driver said, 'Hey man, we go all the way.' Of course we were willing to pay." 

Then, something absolutely shocking happened. In the corner is his vision, the achievement thing popped up that said that Matt beat the ender dragon. Rivers stopped dead in his tracks. But how?! In the movies, the protagonist had always been helpless when they watched the villains drone on with their monologues! Rivers shook his head in disbelief. He tried to think of how Matt had possibly been able to get past him. Perhaps he had walked around him? But that seemed improbable. They never did that in the movies.

But then, Rivers decided it was finally time he take a bath in a giant pool of chocolate milk, so he put on a bathing suit and jumped in.

Meanwhile, after eating the tentacles from the dobaboards, Van Buren, Patrick, and Bryan then used the dobaboards to shield themselves from the Nøstúvelliets. The alien soldiers patrolled the area, and although scary looking, they've grown to realize that they weren’t that bright. They followed a predictable patrol path, kind of like that one game, shoot what was it, it was like fnaf security breach or something where there's that cool moon and sun character. 

"We have to get over there," Brian whispered. He pointed to an opening in the sewer, pretty high up.

"Wanna play Doki Doki?" Taft asked all of the sudden.

"Holy fucking shit, I love Doki Doki Literature Club!" Brian loudly proclaimed, "Yuri is my favorite because she’s edgy and has big tits, we can’t play unless you wanna go the yuri route."

"No!" Taft said, outraged, "Monika is the best because I like being dominated by women!"

"This is ridiculous!" Michael, who seemingly came out of nowhere, pronounced, "Natsuki is the best because I'm a pedophile!" 

"I play Genshin Impact!" he continued.

"I also have 20 kids aged between 5-11 in my basement right now!" He added, "we don't talk about the ones who reach 12"

So they got out their gaming computer and started to play. They played for roughly an hour, and everyone had a character to voice. Brian won the argument of which route to go, and voiced Yuri with glee as the group watched their protagonist shove his fingers in Yuri’s mouth but Michael began to throw a tantrum because Yuri looked like she was above the age of 10, but then Sayori hung herself because no one loved her and now we're all feeling real stupid aren't we, our best friend is dead and it's because of us.

Michael was especially grieving because other than Natsuki, Sayori was the only one that looked like a prepubescent, but during the middle of their second playthrough, one of the alien patrol guys found them. 

"What are you doing?" The alien blared in a weird accent. 

"Uh, one sec, we're playing Doki Doki." Patrick replied. 

"Can I join?" The alien asked. 

"Yeah sure but we already have a voice actor for each character." Brian said. 

"Yeah, that's fine. Let me get my friends, I'll be back in a moment," but then the alien pressed the wrong button and instead of calling his friends he wiped out his entire civilization, including himself.

Just then Rivers and his group showed up. "Ready to go face Donald the Tennis Ball?" he asked. 

"But we haven’t finished the playthrough yet", Patrick complained.

But then Rivers had a premonition: the plot was stalling too much, he saw that Parker would return, and at this state they wouldn't be ready. 

"Throw out your computer, Parker's returning." They all looked at him and saw that he wasn't joking. 

"How do you know?" Taft nervously asked.

Then Rivers opened his mouth and a crocodile crawled out, he was right, Parker was returning! The crocodile unzipped its suit revealing that it was the Parker Brothers board game company. The company challenged Rivers to a game of Clue. Rivers, being an anarchist, destroyed the corporation with a molotov cocktail, however, the corporation began dissolving into monopoly pieces. Before long, they were up to their knees in monopoly pieces! 

Unfortunately, for Gerald the dwarf, that was up above his head, he became the first of the thousands of dwarves that drowned that day.

Finally, after that, they climbed out of the tunnel to see the sun for the first time in a month or something, more often than they did normally in fact. They all took a look around, and after seeing a racist asian stereotype, they knew they were finally in Japan. But then, all of the sudden, a hurricane blew them back to Mozambique.

"Oh fuck! I just got my shit fucking rocked! Fuck!" exclaimed Rivers.

"No swearing!" Joe Biden said, but Rivers didn't hear him since Joe B. was in France. 

Then, Rivers turned around, staring straight ahead. "I see you," he shouts. 

"Who are you talking to?" Brian asks. "Them!" Rivers exclaims. Brian stares with Rivers, his eyes finally landing upon you. He looks at you strangely, as if it was only until now he noticed you. He looked at Rivers, Rivers looks back and they both nod. 

Rivers lifts up his 9 calibre, safe action, 625 gram glock 17 and points it at you. BANG! The bullet strikes the reader right through their left eye socket before ripping through their right frontal and parietal lobes. Then they explode like fireworks, and then they blew up, and then they explode A SECOND TIME, then they fall to the ground. Rivers walked up to the decapitated body, checking for a pulse.
“The reader is dead!” he yells with excitement.

"Oh shoot" I say, "who's going to read this now? Also, no pun intended." I pace around as the Weezers get up. In my frustration I accidentally flick the group to Donald the Tennis Ball's layer, Donald the Tennis court and use my narrator power to resurrect the conscious mind of the reader, just so that you can keep reading, nothing can stop the power of Weezer, not even death. 

Back to Donald’s layer where River and his group were conveniently flicked to by the narrator, Rivers looked up to Edward, who was now dressed as a knight, and they exchanged a nod. Edward gripped his tennis racket tightly. Donald would not win this match.

Boing, boing boing, boing, boing, boing, boing, boing boing, boing boing, boing, boing, BOING!!, boing?, boing… boing! 

This was getting to become the tennis match of the year!

Donald the Tennis Ball charged directly toward the oncoming ball, and Rivers knew this would be trouble. 

"I got it!" Edward yelled, as he moved to counter. Donald the Tennis Ball picked up his speed. 

"Super... speed... DONALD SMASH!" He yelled. A dark aura surrounded him, and the ball hit the racket. The contact transferred the dark aura to the tennis ball, which came hurtling down like a meteor. This was the notorious Super Speed Donald Smash! It was not uncommon that teams get absolutely obliterated by this single move. But Edward didn’t back away, and ran up, he held his tennis racket out and angled it. 

"Windsor... deflection!" he yelled through gritted teeth. The tennis ball smashes against the racket, much like I smash your mother each night, and it remained like that for several tense moments. Finally, the ball bounced back into Donald's court, but Edward's wrist had clearly broken. 

“Blimey,” Edward exclaimed, “my wrist’s broken, innit?” A grin appeared on Donald's face. "Ready for singles?" he mocked. 

Edward smiled, realizing David didn’t know that he was secretly part of the lizard race, he pulled out a saw. Donald, knowing what Edward was about to do spiked the tennis ball again and it hit Edward in the face, knocking him out.
Donald gasps with shock and runs to Edward, what if he was hurt!?!? 

But of course, he does this after another high-velocity spike (upwards of 200 mph), and Rivers runs up to deflect it.

(Which Donald did accidentally), Donald may be a villainous war criminal and accessory to sandwich theft, but he's not a complete monster!!!

Rivers barely made it, and weakly tapped the ball into Donald's court. 

Donald reached out his arms, hitting the ball again with his tennis racket while still examining if Edward was all right. Edward just barely cracked his eyes open, and saw Donald through his visor. This ball had bested him, but that wasn't what matter to Edward, it wasn't even what mattered to Donald, in that moment, they both knew that tennis is a game about having fun, not winning. 

“I’m sorry Edward, I didn’t mean to hit you in the face,” Donald said kindly, and step back into the tennis match. Now he would win, for Edward!

Donald held his racket high in the air, determined to demonstrate his superiority once and for all. 

"SUPER, DONALD, FIREBALL!!!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, and the tennis ball, surrounded by flame, made a blurred streak through the air, while rivers became a little toastier, he was still alright.

What wasn't alright was the fact that the tennis ball made a hole right through the tennis racket. It was love-40. Rivers couldn't let another point go to Donald, so many people were counting on him!

Watching on the sidelines, Brian, Patrick, Matt, and Taft looked frightened, but confident that Rivers could turn this game around. Patrick waved his “Weezer #1” sign in the air and cheered. 

“Any of you going to sub in for my boy Eds?” Rivers called out.
“Nah, you got this kid,” Taft yelled back.
“Sorry Rivers, this is what happens when you end someone’s Doki Doki playthrough early!” Brian said sulkily

“Is tennis the game where you have to hit the ball into the goal?” Patrick asked sounding like he had no idea where he was, “I’m not that good at that game, I would only make the game worse!”
“Rivers, I’m not much of a tennis player, and I can tell you, your odds aren’t great. But I know you. I know that you can turn this game around, I know that you can win this alone, you don’t need us. This is your time to shine!” Matt yelled out. 

This last comment gave the greatest morale boost and Rivers stared Donald straight in the eyes. He could do this! Patrick tossed Rivers a tennis ball from the sidelines and Rivers caught it. He bounces it once, continuing to stare at Donald straight in the face, then he bounces it again. This time, his eyes are on the ball, he tosses it in the air steps to the side, it slowly falls, down, down…

And Rivers serves the ball in perfect form, Donald's eyes widen, knowing that this wasn't going to be as easy as the last few matches. This was serious. He got into proper positioning, and returned the ball at 450 mph toward the back corner, just to see how Rivers would handle it. Donald squinted. This was getting tense.

Rivers closed his eyes, "use the force" he heard a voice say, he swung the racket, and whacked the ball back to Donald's side. Rivers was a jedi!!!!!!11!!!11!!!

Donald looked at the oncoming ball. He jumped 8 feet into the air, and swung harder than he'd ever swung before, right next to Rivers from a tricky angle. Rivers, seeing this, thought of his friends and all those who had sacrificed themselves so he could get here. He thought of Chris. 

"This one's for you, Chris." Rivers said under his breath, and then gripped the racket tightly. He got into stance.

Closing his eyes again, he felt the force surrounding him, he could imagine the ball flying midair through the court, he could do this… Rivers felt his shoes grip the ground, as he twisted his body with grace and strength he never knew he possessed. His racket swung through the air, picking up speed, and Rivers let out a cry.

Boing!

It was as if the world had gone still. The sweat seemed to fly off from Rivers' brow in slow motion. He opened his eyes with disbelief, he didn't even feel the tennis ball hit his racket! That was because he had accidentally swung on the wrong side. 

"Shoot! I mixed up my right and left." Rivers said to Donald.

“Did he lose?” Patrick asked on the sidelines.

Donald walked over to Rivers and patted him on the back, you're not bad champ he said, and then unzipped his pants. Meester Immeekus walked out of the husk that used to be Donald. 

"I'm the tennis master," Meester Immeekus announced. He turned to address Rivers, "I could actually hear what you said under your breath, because the walls are shaped like a parabola and you were at it’s focal point."

"MEESTER IMMEEKUS!!" Rivers yelled with excitement. Meester Immeekus was a legend throughout all the land, both a master in tennis and physics, he ran to the man and knelt, "how do I determine if I am seeing a mirage or a hallucination from my daily PCP dose?" 

"Actually," Meester Immeekus said in an authoritative tone, "PCP is kind of like a superior mirage but better. Superior mirages happens high in the air, and PCP mirages happen when you're high. Basically, if the thing you're seeing while on PCP just so happens to not exist, then it will be immune to assassination attempts."

Rivers nodded, soaking Meester Immekus’s knowledge. Taking out his PCP bottle he pulled out 3 pills, two for himself and two for Meester Immeekus, they took their pills in unison.

"See that?" Meester Immeekus pointed. Rivers furrowed his brow. 

"The guy with a pink tank top and thick sideburns?" Meester Immeekus squints. "Uh, maybe. Here, watch." Meester Immeekus clobbs the man with a pink tank top on the head, and the man fell to the ground. 

"He was affected by the assassination attempt, therefore you're not hallucinating him!"

"OHHHHHH! But wait… what if you only have a gun, and your arms hurt?" Rivers asked.

"You can actually take the pistol and, here, it's quicker if I show you." Meester Immeekus pulls out his trusty colt revolver. 

"You see, the butt of the pistol is really hard and effective, especially in close combat." He pulls out a block of something white, and crushes it with his pistol as demonstration. 

"This gives you superpowers." He explains as he hands one of those coffee straws to Rivers.

"So I just suck on this straw?" Rivers asked

"No." Meester Imeekus said, with disgust. "You actually expand your lungs to create a lower pressure, which, by laws of thermodynamics, will result in a net flow of air into your lungs in an effort to reach an equilibrium of pressure. This so-called 'suck' is in fact not a force, and should instead be attributed as a difference in pressure. But remember to do it through your nose." Rivers nodded in understanding. 

"Wait, my health teacher told me not to take too many drugs at once. Should I wait until my PCP wears off?" Meester Immeekus, in his infinite wisdom, waved the concern away. 

"Responsibilities are only for children." he assured, “are you a child Rivers?” Rivers proceeded to snort the strange white powder.

This was truly revolutionary. This was what he had traveled all the way to Japan for. With the discovery of this strange white powder, he felt confident that he was equipped to take on all those people that made fun of him on the internet. 

Rivers gave Meester Immeekus a big 'ol hug. Meester Immeekus smiled and said, "thanks for coming over to play tennis, may be duel again :)" Rivers grinned, happy that he had had such a wholesome time. 

“C’mon guys, let’s go!”

Brian, Taft, Matt, Pat, and finally Eds all got up together and walked over to Rivers. “We’re finally all back together, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“You could say that again!” Taft said

“We’re finally all back together, it’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it has,” Matt said. Rivers picked up the Mexican fender and together, they left the arena.