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You are not jealous of the relationship that Jester has with Caleb. But you do yearn for it. It’s still the early days of your time with them - the Might Nein - but you have found yourself infatuated with Jester the Cleric. You could listen to her talk about the Traveler for hours, help her sneak her pamphlets all over every city you stop in, take any hits that enemies want to incapacitate her with.
The only problem is that you can’t tell her any of that. It’s a sick combination of being too shy and seeing the way that Caleb looks at her. The way that she lights up when he looks at her like that. They both deserve to be happy and you think that you know that he could make her happier than you ever could. Whether or not that train of thought is true, it has nestled in the place of your brain where you hold facts like a worm into an apple. So you don’t tell Jester that you think you’re falling in love with her. You don’t feel jealous when she and Caleb take watch together, huddling close to the fire and sharing whispers. You don’t feel anger toward him for being the type of person that she would fall in love with.
Instead, you use the pain in your chest for something constructive. You know that she hides behind a lot of her jokes - about her mother, the reason she left her hometown, her financial situation. You know that Jester is not as suave as she seems, know that she masks her insecurity with confidence. You know that Caleb does not pick up on this. It’s not because he doesn’t care, or isn’t smart. It’s really because you do the same thing. You can watch Jester use tricks to hide that you’ve also perfected and see past them because you see them in the mirror. You know that if you confront her directly or tell Caleb how to do so that she’ll shut down.
Jester is too much for that. You think that you’d die if you did anything that made her retreat into herself. Instead of going to Caleb, or going to Jester herself, you sneak around. Your plan starts with flowers - her favorite, you had learned on the road about a month back. While everyone was asleep you snuck out of the tavern that the Mighty Nein had hunkered down in and made your way to a florist. After waking them, giving them enough gold to consider your request, and then sneaking back into the tavern… Well, you slept better than in your entire life, probably. You’re excited for the morning when Jester wakes up to the tavern downstairs decorated with her favorite flowers.
Of course, when morning comes the sight of Jester’s favorite flowers everywhere sets Fjord on edge. He thinks it must be someone stalking her, the team, but you shake your head at him behind the team’s back. It’s you, you try to tell him. You’ve done this for her. The realization settles over him like a blanket and confusion makes his pillow when you press one finger over your lips to keep him silent on the matter. Fjord has always known you’ve loved her. Just like he’s always known Caleb does, too. You hate making him keep that secret, but you know that he will. It’s just in his nature.
Jester, however, loves the flowers. You get to watch her prance around and take them all in with a grin on her face. She plucks at least one flower from each bouquet to make her own, winding them into a crown and setting it on her head around her horns. She looks stunningly beautiful and excited as she tells everyone It must have been the Traveler. He does things like this, you know. A cool breeze wafts over your skin as you sit, eat, and watch and you can hear the soft chuckle that comes with it.
When nobody is looking at you you shovel a bite of food into your mouth and then cover the lower half of your face with your hand. “If you want to take credit for it, go ahead.” Another breeze, another laugh. A warm feeling up your back.
Your next plan is on the road when Jester complains that her back hurts as she guides the cart down the road. “I can take over,” You suggest, even though everyone knows that you don’t care to drive the cart. Too much attention, too much responsibility for your friend's safety in a moment of downtime. Still, you take her spot so that she can stumble back into the cart and convince Caleb to rub her back. You guide the cart for a few minutes alone until Fjord comes to join you. He doesn’t say anything to you, just cuts you a strange look. You just shrug at Fjord and cut a glance back to where Caleb is rolling his eyes, but working the kinks out of her back nonetheless. An understanding seems to settle over you and Fjord and you realize that he’s in love with her too.
It doesn’t surprise you. Jester is… She is a storm, she’s a fire, she’s a full meal, and a refreshing drink. Jester is everything and nothing at the same time. She is made of too many reasons to not fall in love with her and to fall in love with her. She’s everything you’ve ever wanted and, apparently, everything Fjord and Caleb wanted too. You bump your shoulder against Fjord’s and he bumps you back.
“How long?” He finally asked, low voice barely rumbling over the crack of the cart’s wheels over rocks. You shrug.
“A long time, I think. You know how it goes. What about you?”
“A long time.” He echoes, “There’s just something about…”
You click your tongue to get your horses to go a little faster so that they wouldn’t struggle over the hill and sigh. “Yeah, just something.” You agree, “I take it you’ve stepped back.”
“Well, I wouldn’t want to be cruel,” Fjord sets his elbows on his knees, one hand coming up to fiddle at the place where his tusks were growing in again. “To make her choose. TO put that on her.”
“That’s what my thinking was. But it can’t hurt to be nice. To give her joy, even if she doesn’t know.”
“Even if she doesn’t know it’s you or doesn’t know why?” He cut you a sharp look, “Won’t this only hurt you?”
“No more than it will hurt you, Fjord.” You cut him the same sharp look, except your lips begin to curl at the sides, “Besides, it’s worth it to see the smile, I think.”
Your third act of kindness - underhandedly and sneaking - is to take the couch when the next tavern doesn’t have enough beds for you all. You’re sharing with Jester and Caleb, but there’s only one bed. One bed and a couch. Jester makes a joke about the three of you sharing, but you see the look that Caleb casts toward you.
“Yeah,” You agree, stretching next to the couch, “I’m just going to do some reading before bed. You guys can go ahead.” And then you cast your lamp light low, recline on the couch, and spend about an hour counting to two hundred and forty seconds in your head before turning a page in your book. You’re took keyed up to sleep, wondering how Fjord was faring sharing with Molly, Yasha, Beau, and Nott in the next room over. You wonder if he pities you or wishes he was you. After an hour of pretending to read, you let your book fall to the floor and turn on your side on the rickety couch. You make sure to keep your breathing even so that if Jester or Caleb are still awake they will leave you on the couch where they think you’re asleep.
And, when it happens, you are almost asleep. You’re fading, on the edge of the hazy purple abyss that will take you to morning and another day, when you hear the whispering. It’s Caleb and Jester, being sure to keep their voices low so that they don’t wake you. It's because of that you can’t make out what they're saying, but the emotion hits you full force in the chest and you’re suddenly struggling to breathe. They sound so in love, so intimate, and you’re glad that you didn’t jump at the chance to have your body pressed close to Jester’s in bed. You don’t really start crying until you can hear them kissing, soft sighs and then a sharp giggle that is swiftly hushed.
The tears are hot on your face, chest tight, but you’ve already resigned yourself. This is your kindness to Jester. She deserves love, deserves to be happy, deserves to kiss her lover under the moonlight in a tavern bed without worrying about hurting anyone. For all they know, you’re asleep. For all they know, you don’t love her as much as you do. That is enough to force your hand and you focus on not hearing them and going to sleep.
And, well, if Fjord asks how it goes the next morning your kindness to him is that you don’t mention a Goddamn thing.