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It was almost worth it, she thinks, as she sits, drunk on cheap alcohol that burns like gasoline as it passes through her throat. She thinks it’s almost worth it, the whole superhero thing that is.
The gratitude of the people she saved, the accomplishment of knowing that you helped someone, and knowing that you made a difference, it was almost worth what it cost.
Sooyoung looks at her reflection in the glass, the furrowed brows, the frown on her lips, she wonders how she got here. Where once she was happy, carefree, swinging rooftop to rooftop high on existing and being the friendly neighborhood spider-woman she wonders how she turned into this.
Sitting in a cheap bar, the smell of alcohol and smoke lingering in the air, the chair cushion so soft you could feel the metal underneath it. The dim lighting made it easier to hide the bruises and blood all over her, as she waited for her healing factor to take all the pain away. At Least all the physical pain.
She sighs, taking another sip, trying to forget all her problems or at least trying to.
“I don’t know why I even let you drink, you barely get drunk for ten minutes before you need another bottle, stupid increased metabolism, stupid powers.”
She hears running water, glancing up to see a black haired woman glaring at a cup as she wiped it dry. She was rubbing it’s surface hard, Sooyoung figured she was imagining it was her.
“I dunno J, maybe because you love me?” Sooyoung jokes weakly, her inebriated state giving her usual sarcasm a more self deprecating edge than usual.
“First off that’s Jinsol to you,” said Jinsol with a roll of her eyes, “Secondly I don’t love you enough to keep letting you come in after I close up just because you can. I care about you but not quite enough for that.”
For the first time in a while Sooyoung was genuinely interested in what she had to say. She never questioned her best friend's motivations as to why she let her into her bar in the middle of the night, just counting herself lucky that Jinsol did.
Looking up at Jinsol who finally put the cup down, she looked her in the eyes and asked a question that suddenly she felt almost afraid to ask.
“Why do you let me then?”
Jinsol stared at her, a steely gaze that Sooyoung barely ever saw. Jinsoul's eyes were usually soft and kind, even though she knew that Jinsoul wasn’t happy with her she still wasn’t ready for the words coming from her mouth.
“It’s because I feel sorry for you, and because I’m scared that if I don’t I might see you dead too.”
Sooyoung flinched, the words piercing deep into her soul. She wasn’t ready for this, for Jinsoul to lay it onto her, for reality to catch up with her, she just wanted to wallow in the sadness for a little longer, grieve a little more, she wasn’t ready to move on.
“Sooyoung…” Jinsoul spoke softly, her tone kinder than before trying to peel away at the shell Sooyoung retreated into.
Jinsol sighed, grabbing Sooyoung's face, making her face her, looking at the deep sadness in her eyes. Jinsoul saw it, her desperate want to wallow, to continue down her path of self destruction, the vestiges of her love turning into something woefully painful to watch.
“ I know it’s been hard for you ever since Chuu… died but Sooyoung it’s been 5 years, we have all been worried about you. You haven’t talked to anyone about it, you never let any of us in, you just make us watch as you get sadder and sadder, and then… we see you know? We see you on TV, we see how reckless you’ve gotten, how much you punish yourself over and over. I know you, I know you could dodge or avoid all of those hits if you wanted to but you don’t. Please Soo.. I need you to stop, we need you to stop because we already lost Chuu please, please, I don’t want to… I can’t lose you too.”
Sooyoung stared into Jinsol’s face, the tears in her eyes matching the ones running down her face.
“J… I can’t.” Sooyoung choked out, the tears freely running down her face.
Jinsol softly caressed her cheeks, wiping away her tears. Sooyoung was tired, she had kept all of her emotions bottled for five years, too caught up in her own suffering, in her grief to notice anyone around her. Her friends, her family, everyone. She pushed them all away, letting herself be consumed by her grief, and her guilt.
“J, it was my fault.” Sooyoung cried, the shame, the guilt finally letting itself be known to someone other than herself.
“Everytime I close my eyes I can see her, her eyes as she was falling, her blank face after she died, all of it. I can remember the moment I saw all the life leave her eyes, I can hear her back breaking in my head and I know that all of it is my fault. If I was just a bit faster, I was almost, almost in time to save her, and it kills me. Everyday I think if only I was a little fast or if only I wasn’t fucking spider-woman she would still be here today.”
Jinsol walked across the counter as she was talking, wrapping her friend in a hug as she let out her emotions, all of them spilling out of her, the buried emotions springing forth from the cracks in between Sooyoung’s caged heart.
“I know… that you think it’s your fault, but it’s not.” Jinsol said sternly.
“But-“
“Soo I know it’s hard to accept but you can’t save everyone, and you did everything you could, I know you did. You never would have let her go otherwise. It’s not your fault, she chose to be with you, she knew the risks, she knew what could’ve happened but she stayed anyway.”
Sooyoung took a moment, letting Jinsol’s words sink in, taking deep breaths, feeling the weight of her friend's hand on her back, the warmth of her embrace. She let herself sink into her, letting go of her pain for the first time in years.
“I miss her Sol.” Murmured Sooyoung, her face buried in Jinsol’s shoulder.
“I know Soo.”
——
Morning came eventually, And Sooyoung woke up feeling lighter than she had in years. She remembered what happened yesterday, and she felt better finally talking to someone about it. She could feel hope for the first time in forever and knew that she needed to move forward.
She checked her phone, seeing a text from Jinsol.
I tucked you into bed last night so call me tomorrow, I hope you feel better Soo.
I’m here if you need help too.
Also she saw a message from her sister asking her to come home.
She opened their texts, frowning at all of the unanswered texts, all of the messages from her sister and her other friends asking her to come see them. She needed to make it up to them but she didn’t really know where to start.
Upon relaying her thoughts to Jinsol over a bowl of cereal and FaceTime, Jinsol thought for a while before answering her question. It was almost cartoonish how Jinsol’s face lit up as she came up with an answer.
“First thing’s first, we need to talk to your sister.”
Sooyoung’s eyes widened “Nononono, Hyejoo? Please not her first, can we please see anyone else first?”, begged Sooyoung.
“No. Family first Sooyoung. And that’s final.”
“Fine.” Sooyoung grumbled.
Jinsol laughed, happy that her friend was finding herself again.
——
2 years later.
It was cold, the autumn wind picking up, as Sooyoung and Jinsol stood in a field, facing each other.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure J.”
Sooyoung gave Jinsol a comforting smile, trying to erase the worry in the raven haired girl’s eyes. She wonders how she missed it, or when it started but It was cute seeing how much Jinsol cared about her.
She pinched her cheek, prompting the black haired girl to roll her eyes, and push her forward.
“Just go then.”
Sooyoung laughed, before moving forward further onto the sunlit path in front of her.
She walked forward, listening to the leaves shake in the wind, and the stones crunch under her feet.
She walked for a while, before coming to a stop, the sunlight getting lower as day turned into evening.
She crouched down, letting go of the flowers in her hands, and placing them onto the stone in front of her.
Here Lies
Kim Jiwoo
A faithful friend daughter and lover
May she live on forever in our memories
Sooyoung took a deep breath.
“Hi, Chuu…”
“I know it's been a long time… but I’m here now...”
This was the first time that Sooyoung visited her grave, and she felt like she was finally ready. Certain that it was finally time to let her go.
“I wanted to let you know that I’m doing well, I wasn’t for a long time but I know now that you wouldn’t have wanted me to live like that, that you would’ve wanted me to move on. I wasn’t ready for a long time but now I think I am. But before I let you go, I want to tell you how my life is now.”
“I made up with everyone, Hyejoo cried, can you believe it? And Haseul, Vivi and Jungeun all scolded me for being so stupid. They all miss you, you know? Jinsol does too. I’m seeing a therapist now too, I didn’t know this but the avengers actually have someone who helps with this kind of thing, a super-therapist i guess?. Yes I’m still being spider-woman but I’m being more careful now, no more being reckless for me, especially considering I don’t have my own personal nurse anymore. I think I appreciate life more now too. I’m sorry that you can’t be here for it, sometimes I almost blame myself again, but I know that I did everything I could, and I hope that that’s good enough for you.”
“Chuu I love you, I always will but I know that it’s time to let you go.”
“Jinsol you can come out you know.”
“How’d you know I was there,” said Jinsoul with a pout on her lips.
Sooyoung laughed, moving forward to grab her hand. “Spidey sense remember.”
Jinsol hummed in response, falling into step with Sooyoung as they walked away from the grave.
“Are you sure you’re ok?” Jinsol said worriedly.
Sooyoung smiled. “Yea, for the first time in a while, I’m sure.”
-End-