Chapter Text
“Balth. Can I ask you something?”
Bathazar glanced up from the keyboard he’d been twiddling on for the past half an hour. They were supposed to be studying but he’d given Pedro free reign of his desk and was using it as an excuse not to do any work.
“That sounds rather ominous,” He said and began playing the theme tune from jaws.
Pedro laughed nervously. “Well, I was just thinking... you know how you’re- I mean, are you..? Ugh... no, never mind, ignore me. I’m talking crap.”
Balthazar had stopped playing and was looking at him with concern. This must be something important to make Pedro so inarticulate.
“Are you alright, mate?”
Pedro ran his hand through his hair and sighed. “Are you, er- are you gay?”
The words ebbed into every corner of the room and Pedro immediately regretted them when he saw the frozen, pained expression on Balth’s face.
“Just ‘cause, its fine, I mean, whatever I don’t mind,” he gabbled, backtracking, “not that that’s anything noble or anything, shit... and it’s none of my business and I’m not even asking about that but just, if you are then, I sort of thought... agh, wow I’m making a hash of this, just tell me to shut up. Shut up Pedro.”
Balth still looked stunned but seemed to have gathered himself slightly and shifted on the bed so that he was facing Pedro.
“Yeah, I think so.” He picked at his sleeves trying to appear nonchalant, “Wait, no. I am. I think it and therefore, I am it.” He grinned weakly, inwardly cringing. What a bad pun. What a weird evening.
“Oh, sure. Okay, great. Well, I sort of thought but you never said and I didn’t think it, you know, polite to ask but I just wanted to ask something and I don’t really know who else...” Pedro was babbling again.
It was true that Balth’s sexuality had always been a sort of polite taboo between the boys, one of those things they’d all assumed or heard nasty rumours about but never really broached, because why the hell would you bring up something personal and emotional when you could be playing football or Grand Theft Auto? Crushes were only discussed if they were sure to provide some entertaining banter but deep discussions about feelings had never really been on the approved list of bro activities, that was, until now.
Once Pedro had trailed off Balthazar attempted to relieve some of the awkwardness.
“You mentioned wanting to ask me something? I mean twice actually, so is this something the something or the follow up something? Or was the first something just pre-empting the actual something. Or something.”
Pedro grinned, “The latter.”
“Go on then. This better not be something weird, mind you.”
“No, god no! Just...How did you know?”
This was not what he’d been expecting at all and Pedro took his look of surprise as cause for explanation.
“Listen, Balth. You really don’t have to tell me. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable. Honestly, I’m just intrigued as to how people figure it out, I guess.” He took a deep breath. “Because I think I might, err, you know, like guys. In some capacity. Maybe. Yeah...”
If Balthazar hadn’t been so tense from the previous line of questioning he would probably have fallen off his bed. As it was he just widened his eyes slightly.
It wasn’t as though he was surprised, per say, there’d always been a quiet subtext with Pedro; the way he held eye contact for just a moment longer than was necessary, his friendly disregard for Balth’s personal space and the small, troubled frown that often followed a glance at an attractive stranger. But he was always dating girls, or at least, talking about dating girls, loudly voicing his opinions on girls his friends should date or celebrities he thought were hot. If you didn’t know what to look for Pedro seemed undoubtedly heterosexual. What shocked Balthazar was the extent of Pedro’s self reflection. He had never expected Pedro to have actually thought about the possibility of not being straight, let alone considering it to such a degree that he could admit it to himself.
“Oh. Okay.” Balthazar began slowly, wondering how best to approach this. “Well, it’s different for everyone but for me it was relatively simplistic really. I mean, I didn’t always know- I definitely though I was straight when I was younger but so do most people, I think. As I got older I never really got, like, ‘the hots’ or whatever, for any girls but there were definitely guys I sort of... admired? And um, then at a gig- my first gig actually, you remember how stoked I was to see The Globes? - anyway, so I’m there alone, because I’m just such a diehard fan and you all have shitty music tastes and I get talking to this guy and he’s cool and stuff but... er, well basically we ended up making out.”
He glanced up, trying to gage Pedro’s reaction, if he was vague enough he might not have to mention the time that a fifteen year old Pedro had used his legs as a backrest for an entire lunch and the way he’d had to tense up his knees the whole time to stop them from shaking. Balth needn’t have worried, Pedro had been nodding thoughtfully for the whole speech and hanging off Balthazar’s words as thought they were clues to his own personal mysteries.
“Anyway,” Balth continued. “It wasn’t like, earth shattering or anything. In fact, I’m pretty sure he was a heavy smoker, so that aspect was a bit gross. But I’d kissed this one girl before and I felt nothing, really, no offence to her. And this kiss made me think, ‘oh okay, I get it now, this is what it feels like’... you know? And then I really started to think about it and it made me realise that girls weren’t really er, for me.”
He glanced up at Pedro, who was bending his fingers back on Balth’s desk chair, a frown fogging his brow.
“Did that, um, help?”
“Yeah, yeah. Er, thanks. I guess it’s a little less clear cut for me. I mean, there’ve been guys I’ve gotten with- shit this is so weird to talk about, tell me if it’s too weird, aha.”
“No, it’s okay. Whatever you want to say.”
“Well, okay. So I’ve been at least a little drunk for the vast majority, so it was easier to discount, initially. And I just kind of ignored them after and, like, pretended nothing had happened.”
“How charming.”
“Yeah, I know. Dick move and all... Then after the, I dunno, third? I got really freaked out because I sort of realised it was, er, something else. And I was worried I was gay, for a while- not because that’s not fine but like, I was worried I was too repressed or whatever to actually deal with it in my brain... I’m not making a lot of sense. Because I still like girls, like a lot, no less than before... but then Bea was round one summer and we were watching Game of Thrones and I realised I wasn’t, for sure.”
“Because of Natalie Dormer or because of Bea?”
“Shut uuup.”
“My apologies. Continue.”
“So, er. But then I also kind of thought maybe I was straight but I just... I dunno, had some weird stuff to deal with, I dunno. Ugh.”
“Not trying to tell you how to feel, buddy. But in my experience, if you often find yourself getting with guys, odds are you aren’t one hundred percent straight.”
“You’re so wise.”
“I know, I know. You don’t have to be one or the other, though. That’s a thing by the way? There’s term for it and everything.”
“Yeah, I know. I’m not totally ignorant. I’ve done some googling.”
“Oo-er.”
Pedro smiled to himself, it was the first time he’d felt genuinely relaxed in months.
“So,” Balthazar said, picking up a text book and pretending to recite from it, “In conclusion... you’re bi?”
“Er. Yeah.” Pedro nodded enthusiastically, “Yes. Bi. Good.” He grinned and added, “Sorry it wasn’t really a single question but it just feels so good to have someone to talk to about it.”
“Aw mate. I get it; it’s a big thing to keep bottled up. Have you not told anyone before?”
“No, I just get so, sort of, scared when I think about telling anyone, bro, I know it’s mostly irrational but... anyway, I’m glad you know.”
“I’m glad you felt you could tell me. I literally have no idea what I’d have done without Urs these past few years; she’s been such a rock.”
“Is she the only person you’ve told?”
“Well, I guess outright. Her and this one other guy I know from music.”
“Ooh, anyone I know?” Pedro chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows.
“You know I wouldn’t tell you if you did. Besides, we don’t speak anymore.”
“God. Well I feel out of the loop on this one.”
“Mmhmm. Anyway, it’s just you guys I’d tell and I figured you’d all guessed, it’s not like I’d announce it on twitter or anything.”
“You’d have to get a twitter first.”
“Very true.”
Pedro felt so ludicrously happy, this was massive, this was amazing and he could barely contain it. “Right so after all this hard work, I’d say we deserve some snacks. Shop?”
“Definitely.”
Pedro, grabbed their jackets off the hook by the front door and chucked Balth’s at him.
“Thanks for being a mate, Balthy.”
“Anytime, bro.”
Pedro felt almost light headed as he walked down the road, watching Balthazar’s hood flapping in the breeze. But the relief quickly gave way to tension when he saw some boys from the football team approaching them, there was nothing sinister or intimidating about them usually but Pedro felt his walls building up again as his shoulders rose.
“Balth,” he whispered quickly, “you won’t tell anyone, will you?”
Balthazar turned and gave him a sad sort of smile, “Of course not, mate.”
Pedro shot him a quick grin and then strode out to greet the guys “’Sup bros.”
Balthazar hung back a little, fiddling with the strings of his hoody and watching Pedro chat football with the guys. It may not seem like a lot, he thought, but it was so much for Pedro to say. He caught himself sighing a second later, watching the way Pedro wet his lips as he smiled, oh get a grip you idiot.