Work Text:
When you nurture a sprout, it will grow—sometimes it takes time, while other times it happens fast. Regardless of how long it takes the result remains the same.
Donghyuck hugs the pillow close to his chest and tries to empty his head out of the recurring thoughts that keep him awake. What happens if he doesn’t nurture the little sprout? Will it wither? He’s scared of the answer.
Why did he let it grow in the first place? Why couldn’t he stop the moment he realized it was serious? Why did he nurture the damn sprout until it became a fucking tree? It’s hard to stop the tears from filling his closed eyes. It’s hard to find the answers to those questions. It’s even harder to stop loving—
“Hyuck? Are you asleep?”
The sound of the door closing interrupts the flow of thoughts going through Donghyuck’s head, but it’s hard to feel thankful for it. He recognizes the voice not only because he would recognize his best friend’s voice amongst a million others, but because he’s the only person who would come into Donghyuck’s room and ask if he’s asleep while actually waiting for a response. Of course, it’s Mark.
“Yes,” he lies, while attempting to dry the tears that involuntarily fell as he opened his eyes.
“Oh, sorry, I’ll come back later—”
“I’m awake, hyung.” Donghyuck says then, and turns over to see the older guy gripping the doorknob already.
“I mean it, though, I know you’re tired.”
“I am but for some reason, I want to know what do you want so come over here already.”
Mark smiles and complies, walking over to Donghyuck’s bed in four quick strides. He lays down next to Donghyuck in the bed. Two years ago, he would have pushed Donghyuck away as the younger attempted to cuddle him, but time has been the best friend among them two. Mark wraps his arms around him naturally now, holding him close. Donghyuck ignores the way his heart aches.
“Sorry, I just got really excited and wanted to tell you already.”
“’Bout what?”
“Remember the girl I told you about last week?”
“The one from your Music Comp class?”
Mark sighs. “Yeah, her… well um… I asked her out finally.”
Donghyuck knows exactly what smile is taking shape in Mark’s face. The smile he gets when he’s happy but tries to contain it, kind of shy but content. (Kind of hurts but it’s okay. It’s okay.)
“Yeah? What did she say?” Donghyuck asks then, and the excitement in his voice isn’t feigned. Mark’s happiness is his happiness, as disgusting and stupid and ridiculous it might sound. Donghyuck has come to terms with that already.
“She said it was about time,” he giggles. “We’re going out tomorrow night.”
“Aww, my little Markie has a date!” Donghyuck tickles him, wanting Mark’s laugh to fill the silence that has taken over his head again.
“Aah! Hyuck, stop!” Mark cackles, whining and thrashing while trying to take a hold of Donghyuck’s hands.
They definitely underestimate the size of Donghyuck’s bed when Mark tries to roll them over and the next thing they know is the bare floor greeting them coldly. “Ow!” Donghyuck whines, still laughing, and stops ticking Mark. Somehow the pain of falling off from the bed doesn’t compare to the pain of falling for someone at all.
**
The day they meet is gray and dull, with the rain splattering on the windows of the dorm suite and the intermittent noise of the knife against the cutting board as Jaemin makes dinner.
This isn’t going to work out, is Donghyuck’s first thought after Mark introduces himself to him—the last one to get to meet the Canadian boy by a few days, and in Jeno's case, a few months.
Jeno happily announces that a certain Mark Lee will be their fifth and final roommate for the year; a friend he met during orientation week and basketball teammate. Jaemin smiles in recognition, going about a past anecdote Jeno told before that involved the older boy and saying oh, that Mark? That’s great then! And Renjun nods appeased, content that at least one of them knows their soon to be roommate.
Mark Lee turns out to be a sort of scrawny, tall, perpetually impressed faced guy. He’s polite, gentle, and kind of clumsy—all of these characteristics evident to Donghyuck in the first 10 minutes of meeting him. But he soon comes to know that they are quite different from each other.
Mark likes to practice guitar but he says he won’t do it if it’s too loud as he dislikes loud noises and is considerate of others. Mark doesn’t play games other than Wii (Donghyuck suppresses any and every expression that tries to show on his face) but says he doesn’t mind if they do, just that it’s not really his thing. Mark explains he’s majoring in Music with a minor in Media Studies and so his schedule is packed which leaves him studying most of the time and sleeping as early as he can.
Donghyuck listens amiably and tries to be positive, but the truth is that every word that comes out of Mark’s mouth gives him yet another reason to think this won’t work out. For starters, Donghyuck is loud; not only his personality is inherently bright, open, and loud, but his likes are too, namely gaming. He likes to play games with Jeno and have the speakers blasting out the noises to add more excitement. He likes to sing out loud everywhere and anytime, often making silly singing contests with Renjun in the middle of the common room. Donghyuck thrives during midnight, either doing the homework he procrastinated doing during the day, or watching funny videos with Jaemin in his room.
They all are considerate of one another—the only possible way to live together is to be mindful and respectful of each other’s living conditions—and whenever Donghyuck is a bit too loud, they tell him. Whenever Jeno doesn’t clean up much after himself, they tell him. Whenever Renjun brings a friend without asking first, they tell him. Whenever Jaemin spends way too long in the bathroom, they tell him. It’s a little community and Donghyuck is used to it, adding one more person–and a stranger at that–makes Donghyuck feel kind of on edge.
However, his mom raised a gentleman, so Donghyuck welcomes Mark into their home with open arms and wide smiles and a hundred one different comments and jokes to delight (or torture, depending on who you ask) the older boy.
Never mind that within the first three months of living together Donghyuck comes to reconfirm his initial thoughts. When Mark says blue, Donghyuck is already doing red. When Mark agrees, surely Donghyuck disagrees. It’s come to be a pattern; they never are on the same page, except for the fact of agreeing they’re not in the same page.
It takes them less than a year until it all comes down to a halt, and it happens like torrent waves.
One after the other, more reasons and accusations come to take part in Mark and Donghyuck’s first ever fight.
The rest of the residents of the suite leave them to it, more than used to their usual bantering and occasional quarrels. What they don’t know is that this time is serious; this time Donghyuck talks and points and aims to hurt, this time Mark takes the bullets but gives them back tenfold. This time Donghyuck doesn’t think he can forgive Mark, and Mark considers leaving for good.
It’s a fight that was imminent, stemmed from their endless differences but similar stubbornness, and grown from living in close proximity without fixing the small problems that were rising up as they kept moving.
Mark tells him to shut up, to stop being a stupid brat and to take things seriously for once, that if he dares to make fun of him again he will pack his bags in an instant. Donghyuck argues that he is taking things seriously, and it’s not making fun if he is actually telling the truth, and maybe Mark would get that if he ever got his head out of his ass. (Among other things.)
They might have argued in the common room for hours, they might have been brewing this fight for months, they might have said things that they regretted the moment the words came out of their mouths, and they might have cried as soon as they walked to their respective rooms.
What is certain is that the fight leaves them boneless, tired and sad. As they laid their cards on the table, took what the other said, and turned the words in their heads into vile and ugly mush, the resentment and frustration leaves their bodies with time. What is certain is that they don’t speak for a month, spending some time apart to process what was said, what wasn’t said, and what could have been said—what could still be said. What is most certain, though, is that they come to find out time is the best and most precious thing for them; with time they heal from the wounds they inflicted on the other, and with time they realize what is the best way to make it all better again.
The day they hug each other again (for real, for the first time) they do it before a single word is said. Their eyes conspicuously bright and red from the tears that don’t want to fall, and a new promise between their held hands.
This is going to work out, Donghyuck thinks then, more sure than hopeful, because now he knows Mark.
**
For how much Donghyuck prides himself in having control of all things in his life, Mark has never been included in that; amidst the hundreds of different files that make up Donghyuck’s brain—from Happy childhood memories to People I kind of care about—the one labeled Marklee is overwhelmingly full, with elements which existence Donghyuck can’t fully explain in the first place. (Surely the one labeled Specific types of giggles ended up there by accident, surely.)
With such an overflow of information regarding the older boy, Donghyuck simply shuts down all systems in his brain whenever it comes to Mark. Not that he is happy with that determination, but it proves to be the better alternative when he has no other choice but to not file information such as When did I start to see Mark differently.
As a result, it’s rather hard to pinpoint exactly when that moment took place.
The clock reads 10:19 PM, the yellow post it on his table reads Submit essay by 11 a.m and call mom back, and his essay reads Nothing because it’s been over forty minutes since he sat at his desk intending to work on this paper due tomorrow yet not a single word comes to mind.
Donghyuck is minutes away from his second breakdown of the day (the first one having taken place this morning during his part time job at the coffee shop) and briefly considers giving up everything and moving away to a deserted island with internet access. As he opens a new tab to google possible destinations, his phone screen lights up in a notification.
Markie
Have u had dinner yet?
Bringing chicken in a bit
It’s things like this that make Donghyuck remember that if he were to move out by himself in a place far far away, he’d probably take Mark with him, by force or not.
Hyuck
Please and thank you
Markie
😊
Mark wouldn’t complain (at least not much) if Donghyuck were to take him to the ends of the earth with him. Donghyuck knows that if the opposite occurred, he would complain just for the giggles fully aware that he would actually complain if Mark didn’t take him in the first place. It is just how things are. Donghyuck keeps the tab open just in case before going back to his paper.
To be completely honest, Donghyuck was not having the greatest day. He is a big believer that the way you think and act have a direct impact on your own emotions, for this reason he always tries to think positively and to ignore the bad things that inevitably arise. Probably not the healthiest way to deal with things, but Donghyuck has found that whenever he actually thinks about how shitty he is feeling, those feelings translate on how he moves around his day. If he ignores those feelings and focuses on the good things such as how Mark is bringing him his favorite food, then he can actually finish this 5-page paper before the deadline.
So he pushes all about the way he hasn’t been feeling good with himself to the back of his brain, together with the nasty customers who can’t think of a better way to let out their anger issues and stress than to scream them out to Donghyuck when he accidentally mixes up two orders, and with his vocal coaches’ remark who despite being just a substitute, has assumed all authority and right to tell Donghyuck that the color of his voice is problematic at best and that he should shape it in a way that’s more workable.
By the time he hears the door opening, Donghyuck has managed to thread over 400 words together, and the dark cloud hanging over his head dissipates momentously.
“Hey Hyuckie,” Mark greets as he comes into the room, food in hand. “Help me out here.”
Donghyuck goes to help him set the food on the bed as Mark sets the soda cans on the floor. It’s hard for him to hide his smile when he notices Mark brought Coke—Donghyuck’s favorite but certainly not Mark’s.
“My savior, I was so hungry.”
“Were you busy?” Mark asks, pointing at Donghyuck’s opened laptop.
“Kind of, it’s just an essay.” He’s not about to tell Mark about how he was about to cry over it nor how he might cry about it later.
“Oh, I’ll let you finish then—”
“No!” Donghyuck interjects, almost holding onto Mark’s arms before he could get up. “Just. I need a break.”
Mark looks unsure because he is just too kind and Donghyuck hates it. (If he says it enough times then he will believe it, maybe.)
“I don’t wanna bother you…”
You company is the best thing of my day actually, haha.
Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Oh please. I will kick you out of my room when I deem it necessary. Now let’s eat.”
And so they do.
It’s during meals that their roles get reversed a little bit. Donghyuck cannot talk and eat at the same time, he rather focuses all his attention on food first, and then thinks about engaging in conversations. Mark, on the other hand, loves to talk while they eat, and takes full advantage of Donghyuck’s silence to say all the things he can think of. Donghyuck says he finds it annoying, Mark knows he’s just lying.
“Then we went to this museum kinda thing—actually I don’t know what that place was; there were paintings and stuff but there were also books and archives you could read, it was pretty cool.”
Donghyuck nods, devouring another chicken wing.
“And I got to read and understand one of the painting’s descriptions, not even Yangyang was able to do it.” Mark continues telling his day’s antics. Apparently on the second year of language study you get to do all this cool stuff. Donghyuck is kind of jealous because he is still on his second module of English and he is struggling in a classroom full of people who don’t know all the prepositions yet so he can’t ask for help either. He thinks going to a museum and reading the paintings’ descriptions isn’t going to help him much but at least he’d leave the classroom.
“He’s the one that’s good?” Donghyuck asks, because drinking soda break.
Mark nods and swallows his chicken before replying. “He traveled to Spain multiple times and knows how to conjugate verbs and shit but I beat him today.” He smiles proudly.
“I thought you liked him?”
“Oh, I do, he is a lovely boy. Our profe told us is nice to be a bit competitive though, so we challenge each other and stuff.” Mark explains. He is just too nice, Donghyuck shoves a full chicken leg to avoid thinking about it.
It’s after a couple minutes full of Mark’s voice and Donghyuck’s hums and nods that they get to finish their dinner. Mark offers to clean everything up and tells Donghyuck to let him know if he needs him to help with his work—which is cute, Donghyuck thinks, because his paper is about Legislations and Morality and Mark is a Music major with zero knowledge of law—and Donghyuck nods and says he’d rather have Jeno explain the principles of Physics to him, to which Mark lets out an offended gasp before Donghyuck closes his bedroom door and continues to work.
After meeting Mark for the first time in the day, Donghyuck feels distinctly more inspired, though he attributes the wonders of Coke to his newly found energy. He gets four pages done in 2 hours, and confidently thinks he can get the last one done as soon as he wakes up in the morning. Closing his laptop and setting his alarm(s) to wake up at 8 am, he lies down in his bed trying to ride on the sudden wave of sleep that came to him. However, after what seems like endless minutes, he finds that he is unsurprisingly and unsatisfactorily awake.
That’s the most prominent downside of this mechanism of his; when he pushes the bad thoughts away, these don’t suddenly disappear, but rather get hidden while he occupies himself with other things only to come out and tickle his sides when he is about to sleep. It’s like his brain realizes what he is trying to do so it brings all these thoughts back to light and tells him Stop Ignoring This.
“Leave me alone,” Donghyuck grumbles in the dark of his room, half expecting a response.
His heart drops to his ass when a sound comes right after.
“Fuck’s sake,” he sighs, breathing heavily as he lifts the offending object to his face. It was just a message notification, not his inner voice coming to light, he reassures himself.
Markie
Lmk if you can’t sleep btw
At this point he has stopped wondering about how does Mark know him so well.
Hyuck
I am actually sleeping rn
Markie
K
Donghyuck stares at his phone screen unblinking until it blackens out. He is about to tap it so he can reply to Mark again when his door opens slowly.
He sees Mark’s silhouette as the older boy enters his room for the second time and approaches his bed with silent steps. He lays down next to Donghyuck naturally, now a comfortable habit.
“Did you finish it?” He asks, as Donghyuck turns to burrow his face on Mark’s chest.
“Almost. Will do it in the morning.”
Of course, pushing these thoughts back doesn’t mean they disappear, but by the moment his brain decides to bring them up, Mark is there to soften the hard edges. He is there to ask Donghyuck in a raspy murmur to please sing the song he has been working on because he adores Donghyuck’s voice. He is there to remind Donghyuck that he is awesome at his job, that although he doesn’t take it seriously most of the time, he’s an amazing barista and a genius at customer service. He is there next to Donghyuck to make him realize that although sometimes Donghyuck forgets about himself and stops taking care of himself, Mark has him on his mind always, bringing him his favorite food when he knows Donghyuck is stressed, filling the silence when Donghyuck’s brain doesn’t want to shut up, and being by his side when he knows the last thing Donghyuck wants is to be alone.
So yeah—pinpointing a particular moment is hard, but maybe this one gets close enough.
**
Mark is sitting by himself at one of the tables in the back of the small campus café; Donghyuck can’t help but smile and think he kind of looks like a loser, all alone with a small cup that definitely does not contain coffee but rather one of those stupid teas Mark likes which he can’t bother to remember the name of as he stares blankly at the wall in front of him. (Grapefruit honey black tea, is what Mark drinks, the name popping up in Donghyuck’s mind embarrassingly fast. In his defense, absolutely no one else drinks that shit so of course he remembers the one person who does. Sue him.)
Donghyuck’s shift is about to end, so he does his best to ignore the Mark-Magnet-Radar his brain somehow has in order to focus on the rest of the costumers he has left to attend before he can finally clock out for the day.
The café is at its busiest, with students coming in and out every minute trying to fill their stomachs with overpriced but cheaper than Starbucks coffee, chatting and typing away on their laptops in whatever table they’re lucky to find available. Amidst the rush and customer service smiles, there is a weird, unpleasant feeling gurgling in the pits of Donghyuck’s stomach. He’s about to attribute it to hunger, but he’s not really hungry, then to the Chinese food he had for dinner, except he purposefully avoided the Malatang. It’s creeping up on him steadily, all the while he’s untying the bow of his apron and taking his cap off, the unmistakable feeling of dread gets stuck in his throat like a stubborn knot that won’t untie.
The thing is, Mark had his second date today.
After the first date went well according to Mark, he and the girl—Mia? Mina?—agreed to go on a second date. Mark didn’t say much that day, after the first date, just that she was pretty funny and nice to talk to, and Donghyuck was left burning with curiosity when his questions were left unanswered.
Now, Mark is still waiting for Donghyuck to join him at the table, and Donghyuck doesn’t know what to wait for—if he wants to wait for something at all.
He wants Mark to be happy, of course, and he will support Mark’s choices until the very end, but that small, devilish part that sits entirely too comfortably in the deep, dark corner of his heart makes him wish things were different. Makes him wish he would break things off with every person he dates with, makes him wish Mark wasn’t dating someone else at all.
(Makes him wish Mark could notice hi—)
“Hyung,” Donghyuck greets, sitting in front of Mark and effectively shutting his own thoughts off.
Mark smiles sweetly at him, as if he’s glad to see him, as if they hadn’t seen each other just hours ago. Donghyuck won’t ever get any peace of mind if he starts analyzing every way Mark looks at him at any given situation—too much room to hope, too much room to think things he shouldn’t.
“How was your day?” Mark asks, taking a sip from his grapefruit honey black tea.
The thing is—Donghyuck is a people’s person, he can charm his way through everyone every time, but he dislikes small talk. Asking someone how their day was is a futile and frankly pathetic way of starting small talk, and Donghyuck refrains from rolling his eyes every time someone asks him that question, because to be completely honest, half the time people do not care how your day was, and the response will go from one ear to the other. But not with Mark; Donghyuck will always tell how his day was with annoyingly precise details to humor Mark, because Mark genuinely cares.
It’s one of those things that make Donghyuck huff in frustration—of course Mark is different. Of course he cares about feeble things like how Donghyuck’s day went and what his favorite foods at every restaurant are. Mark is that one cliché character in every book; the one that’s not like the others, the one who makes a difference. Donghyuck is hopeless.
“Remember that illegally handsome guy I told you about the other day?” Donghyuck says, basking in the way Mark looks at him with undivided attention.
“The tall one with the dimples?”
“Exactly him. Guess what, not only I found out his name, but I’ll be in close contact with him from now on.”
Mark frowns. “Why?”
Donghyuck smiles triumphantly. “Because Jeong Jaehyun will be my English tutor now, Lia is off to England for her semester abroad.”
“Wait—you were talking about Jaehyun all this time?” Mark gapes at him, amusement swimming in his eyes. Donghyuck blinks.
“You know him?”
“I should have known!” Mark laughs, obnoxiously loud in Donghyuck’s opinion, and takes his phone out as he tries to control his cackles. “Your descriptions sounded weirdly familiar now that I think about it. There are only so many tall, gorgeous, athletic seniors with dimples and pretty smiles after all.”
Taking the phone Mark offers to him, Donghyuck stares in horror at the iPhone screen. Looking all too close and bro-like, the sculptured god that is Jeong Jaehyun poses casually in the middle of the screen, with his broad shoulders being circled by none other than Johnny Suh—another senior—and on his left—Donghyuck stops to take a breath—Mark Lee. Doyoung, Jeno’s older brother, is also there, and he recognizes Ten on Mark’s other side.
“You guys are friends?!” Donghyuck screeches, almost throwing the phone away.
Mark still giggles. “Yes! I’m pretty sure I talked to you about him—” He did not. “I met him after I became friends with Johnny, they were dating like two years ago. Now we’re all friends.”
To be fair, Donghyuck has only ever properly met Doyoung and Johnny before—Doyoung thanks to Jeno, and Johnny after he brought a drunk Mark home once before—and has only seen Ten briefly a couple of times since they’re on different departments. It’s not that he’s particularly intimidated by Mark’s older, cooler, and foreigner friends, it’s just that he’s really intimidated by Mark’s older, cooler, foreigner, and more handsome friends. Whatever, Donghyuck doesn’t know how Mark managed to find his way into that clique, but they’re all pretty great for what he’s heard. Except Jaehyun has never been mentioned, as far as he knows.
“You kept this ridiculously above average good-looking man away from me?” Donghyuck asks, with all the emotions a betrayal entail.
Amusement is written all over Mark’s pretty features, but he makes an attempt at masking it with a blank stare just to follow along with Donghyuck’s antics.
“It wasn’t my intention, he only recently got back from his semester abroad, so I didn’t see him much.”
Donghyuck shakes his head, closing his eyes when he hears Mark chuckling. “Fair enough. Do not even think of hiding such specimen away from me in the future, understood?”
“Understood,” Mark agrees, cheeks high on his face with the force of his grin. “You’ll see him enough times for yourself now.”
“And I’ll do my best to tell him the worst things about you and deny any connection I might have with you when I do.” Donghyuck states courtly.
“Well, I’m glad at least one of us had a good day,” Mark comments, looking away when Donghyuck tries to meet his eyes.
And just like that, after having loosened up while they were laughing about Jaehyun and Donghyuck’s day events, the ugly knot sets itself high on his throat yet again. It reminds Donghyuck that there was a reason for Mark’s visit at the café.
“Oh. Did the date…?” Donghyuck leaves the question hanging, not sure of how to ask it.
Mark does it for him. “It didn’t go well,” he huffs deprecatingly. “She said some mean things and I got upset and then she got upset and— Sorry, I don’t want to dampen the mood.”
“No, tell me all you want,” Donghyuck hurries to reassure him. “I’ll listen.”
Mark hesitates for a second, but not out of fear or insecurity, just as a way to organize his thoughts for Donghyuck to listen. Mark will always put others first, minding more about their comfort and their feelings before his own, and Donghyuck finds that it’s both a blessing as it is a curse, because in these moments Mark needs to care about his own feelings first instead of worrying about how Donghyuck will feel when he lays his thoughts on the table.
“I remember you once told me you wouldn’t date someone you’re not friends with beforehand, or that you didn’t know well at least… and I told you, well, that’s what dating is for; to get to know a potential partner. But I think I get it now.” Mark starts.
“I got caught up in how talented and funny she was, always discussing music and tv-shows and things we both liked but never getting to talk about what really matters. And yeah, it was only the second date but I’m glad I got to know this side of her sooner rather than later. It doesn’t hurt me to, like, lose her or whatever, it just frustrates me how people can still say things like that.”
Donghyuck waits for Mark to add something else, to say what mean things she said, but Mark just drinks what’s left of his tea and looks at Donghyuck with a glance he, for once, cannot decipher.
“What did she do?”
Mark shakes his head, attempting a small smile. “It’s not worth to repeat it. Really, I just want to forget it happened, don’t worry.”
“Hyung,” he whines, and resorts to the puppy eyes.
“Really, Hyuckie, it’s fine. Let’s go home already, maybe we can watch a movie all together.”
But if there is someone whose stubbornness defies Donghyuck’s, it’s Mark, so they go home not long after.
While the movie plays in the background and Mark has Donghyuck’s head on his shoulder and his fingers intertwined with the younger boy’s, Mark thinks about the things his date said.
He thinks about the things he could have said, but didn’t, when Mira asked with a disgusted frown if he was ever going to stop being friends with Donghyuck since he is gay (although the words she used were much more vile) since if he didn’t then they wouldn’t ever work out, because she didn’t want to get even slightly close to such an abomination.
Mark thinks about how those words stung so bitterly in his heart, not even because it also affected him as a bisexual man, but because they were directed at Donghyuck.
He thinks about the way he reacted, getting up instantly and calling things off—stating loud and clear that no one would speak about his best friend (his soulmate, his boy) like that, not on his watch, not ever.
He thinks about the thing he almost said, but didn’t, when Mira derogatively asked if such reaction was because he loved Donghyuck or something.
Yes, he almost said.
Fuck you, he said instead.
Mark tightens his fingers with Donghyuck’s and thinks—it’s better for him to not know.
**
Mark goes on more dates. Donghyuck listens to how each of them goes when Mark approaches him with bright eyes and high cheeks. Only one of them know how the dates really went.
It’s exceptionally weird, Mark thinks, how his lame 14-year-old self was able to date for more than 2 weeks, while his actual 21-year-old self can barely move past the second date.
Johnny says it’s not weird at all, and points out a ridiculous trait Mark absolutely does not have.
(“You are into funny, loud, leader-like, and interesting people. But then you actually tend to date the complete opposite of those due to what I think is a defense mechanism,” Johnny comments, way too casually, as if he’s thought about it before. “Or a self-destructive tendency, I can’t tell. You should think about it, dude.” Refraining his jaw from hitting the floor, Mark leaves Johnny’s room and doesn’t close the door. Serves him right.)
Doyoung says it is kind of weird but doesn’t offer further commentary except for a badly concealed grimace that does not sit right with Mark, and says “Maybe you haven’t found the right person yet.” Which should be comforting yet sounds anything but.
Ten, on the other hand, smirks his rich, gay, single uncle smile and procures a champagne glass out of thin air that hands out to Mark’s stunned self, and his opinion is one Mark prefers to ignore.
(“Is this Sprite?” Mark squeals when he takes a sip.
“Of course it is, I’m only rich in mind and spirit, I can’t afford to buy champagne I don’t even like.” Ten says, matter-of-factly, and takes a sip from his own glass way too elegantly. “Now, babe, about your dates…”
“I don’t need advice, man.”
“I know. What you need is Donghyuck.” Ten says, his fingers daintily tracing the glass as his smirk widens. Mark almost passes out.
“What?!”
Ten winks. Mark gets the hell of out there.)
Jaehyun, as Mark’s last resort with dating affairs since Jaehyun is not one to date much, is surprisingly the one who actually helps him out.
(“This is, what, the third person you’re seeing?” Jaehyun asks, as he throws the ball into the basket in a flawless shot Mark wants to reciprocate.
“Yeah, name’s Daniel, he’s nice.” Shoot. Out.
“Just nice?” Jaehyun questions. “Wow, sounds absolutely crazy, sign me the fuck up.”
Mark laughs, halfheartedly trying to steal the ball from Jaehyun’s agile hands. “He’s… handsome, smart, pretty funny…” he trails off.
Jaehyun successfully scores another 3 points before he leaves the ball on the ground and sits down right next to it. “At the very least, he better be. But you also already know it won’t work out.”
And yes, Mark does know, but admitting that all his dates so far have not been working means that there is something else there—that maybe the problem is Mark and not the people he’s meeting with.
“I don’t know what to do, Jae,” Mark admits. “He really is a nice guy, hell—I remember I had a little crush on him back when I was a freshman—yet I can’t see this going anywhere else beyond a third date.”
Listening attentively, Jaehyun only speaks once he’s sure Mark has let all his thoughts out.
“Why are you doing this, Mark?”
The question is scary—one that leaves too much room for answers he’s not ready to give—but with Jaehyun’s deep, understanding voice, it’s a bit easier to approach it, to dissect it just enough for him to find an answer. It makes all sounds around him suddenly stop; the other people playing basketball in the court next to them quiet down, the leaves on the ground whispering on their leave as the wind takes them away fade out, and the sudden thundering in his heart calms down.
Mark thinks about all the dates he’s had so far—almost 8 if he recalls correctly—and what drove him to have them in the first place. The difference with his 14 year-old self is that back then, he didn’t care about long term plans, he didn’t even know what a real relationship was like, and the one thing that mattered to date someone was for the other person to reciprocate his feelings. He liked a girl, the girl liked him back, they were “dating”. But now, Mark cares about long term plans, he cares about having a real relationship after having experienced one a few years ago. The difference is that Mark now knows what he wants, how he wants it, and—despite all attempts at ignoring this particular issue—with whom he wants it.
All his friends are having fun; with their one-night stands, their friends with benefits, and a few select ones with their romantic partners. But Mark has gone through the one-night stand phase and left him feeling numb, has gone through the friends with benefits thing and found out his heart gets attached pretty easily, and has gone through a romantic relationship that made him happy until they both got stretched too thin and decided it was better to let go.
Dating almost compulsively in such a short time-span was a new thing, and it has left Mark feeling dizzy, confused, and frustrated; knowing that the reason he can’t find any fulfillment out of it was because he forced it upon himself, and despite having met wonderful and not so wonderful people in the process, he realizes now it was not the right path to take.
He wishes he had a simple answer to tell Jaehyun, but all the messy thoughts get mushed into one feeling that has been really prevalent in Mark’s head recently. With carefully taken breaths, he responds.
“I just don’t know how else to not drown in all the love I have inside.”
Jaehyun doesn’t laugh—of course he doesn’t, and Mark feels a tiny bit embarrassed that he even considered it a possibility at all—instead he nods, like he understands, like he knows, and when he looks into his eyes, Mark finds out he does.
Jaehyun doesn’t date often, because when he does, he falls in love deeply, beautifully, passionately. Because he loves greatly, and after his break up with Johnny, he was left with so much love inside he didn’t know where to pour it, so he went away for a while—moving forward his semester abroad by a few months so he could pour it somewhere no one knew who he was, somewhere only he knew—and by the time he was back, he used some of it to rekindle his friendship with Johnny. Mark admires Jaehyun in so many ways, but his strength in being vulnerable is what amazes him the most.
“Loving someone shouldn’t ever be a punishment,” Jaehyun begins. “How you decide to express it is another thing entirely, but you can always love little by little. If the receiving end doesn’t want it… you’re still free to feel it, as long as you don’t shove it under their throats which I assume you’re not planning on doing,” He smiles. “Loving is a privilege, Mark, but it only feels like one when you’re doing it sincerely. Going on dates with people you only find mildly interesting won’t make the love you have inside any easier to bear.”
“I just wish I could at least feel like I could love them at some point.” Mark laments.
“I know you don’t want to hurt them, but we both know all that love you have inside already belongs to someone else.”
Mark swallows.
“Stop punishing yourself, and enjoy the times you spend together instead.”
He doesn’t even have to specify who he’s talking about; they both already know.)
**
Donghyuck senses something unnatural in the air.
Mentally cursing Renjun for getting these ideas into his head in the first place, Donghyuck starts considering that the aura feels kind of dark—however that works.
It’s the last Friday of the month, the designated day for their monthly bonding activity. Read: drinking and gossiping until they pass out from sleep. Being roommates is more than just sharing the same living space, Jaemin always says, it’s knowing each other and strengthening their friendship with the little nuances that come with being in close proximity of other people for a long period of time. “Let’s all just take one day where we can be together without worrying about other things,” Jeno summarizes one day after they came to the realization that living together was often packed with moments that didn’t always involve all 5 of them together, but rather 2 or 3 depending on their schedules. So here it is: Fantabulous 5 Night, featuring the so called fantabulous five guys that constituted the group and their respective drinks of choice.
Except this month’s Fantabulous 5 Night features only four of them, and Donghyuck can’t shake the ugly feeling off of him.
Mark announces on their group chat that he’d sadly have to pass this one time, as he has an important assignment due tomorrow.
“He could’ve picked a more believable excuse,” Donghyuck grumbles, blocking his phone as he checks out from the mini mart outside campus. “He never leaves assignments undone—scratch that, he never misses our Fantabulous nights.”
“Maybe this is his first time then,” Renjun argues, failing to see the severity of the problem in Donghyuck’s opinion.
“Maybe.” He is not convinced at all, but figures blaming Mark while he’s not here is not helpful either, so he just lets it go despite the uneasy feeling in his stomach that is reluctant to leave.
The last time he talked to Mark was actually two days ago, over lunch, and the older boy was not any more weird than usual, talking Donghyuck’s ears off as he retold something funny that happened with his older friends. Donghyuck remembers they spent that little time just fine, the highlight of Donghyuck’s day as per usual (he refuses to think much about it—how every moment he spends with Mark is automatically the best), and they even shared their personal suggestions for movies to watch on Friday, which makes Donghyuck believe either Mark is telling the truth and he unintentionally missed an assignment, or he’s missing their Fantabulous night because something else happened.
What makes matters even more strange is that Mark doesn’t pick up his calls and doesn’t even open his messages—which he always at least leaves them on read, much to Donghyuck’s frustration.
First, Mark says no to his offer to go drink the 2x1 milkshakes the coffee shop offers every Thursday, and now—
Yeah, no. Something is definitely wrong, and Donghyuck will find out what it is.
**
The quest to find out what is wrong with Mark proves to be more difficult than what Donghyuck initially thought—and that is entirely Mark’s fault.
When Donghyuck wakes up earlier in order to catch Mark before he leaves for classes, he finds the older has already left. When Donghyuck purposefully takes the long way to his classes to pass by the basketball field where Mark is sure to be at, he is surprised to hear Mark has been leaving the practices as soon as they’re over instead of staying and helping out the newer team members as he usually does. At last, when Donghyuck finds Mark in his room a couple of days later, the older is cramming as much homework as possible and barely acknowledges Donghyuck for a brief minute.
The slowly but steadily growing mush of deject that burns in Donghyuck’s stomach ever since the night Mark ignored his calls and weekly dates gets overwhelmingly bothersome when he realizes Mark is being that way to him specifically.
Such discovery comes in the way of catching Mark conversing and laughing with Jeno on their university dining hall one day, and it’s a particularly sour view to witness after Donghyuck talked to Jeno just a day prior about his worries regarding Mark’s apparent avoidance. Jeno had listened and nodded attentively throughout Donghyuck’s rant, and had even said that he, too, noticed Mark’s absence lately. Yet lo and behold—they’re just fine, Donghyuck thinks bitterly from where he lowkey spies on them both.
“Whatcha doing?”
Donghyuck jumps half a foot and just by mere miracle muffles what otherwise would have been a very embarrassing squeal. Leave it to Jaemin to have ridiculous ninja-like abilities.
“Nothing,” Donghyuck brushes off as if his heart isn’t positively going back to his chest after its short trip to his ass.
“Right,” Jaemin, of course, doesn’t believe him. “Let’s go and sit with Jeno and Mark, then.”
The bastard.
Donghyuck looks at him with what he hopes is a murderous look.
Jaemin smiles. Murderous looks are Renjun’s thing after all.
“I never pegged you as the jealous type,” Jaemin says instead, as he guides them to a table a bit away from their friends.
“What?”
“What.”
“What do you mean?” Donghyuck asks again, heart still not fully up his chest just yet.
“Were you not burning the fuck out of Jeno’s poor soul just now?” Jaemin continues naturally, eating his stupid healthy salad as if he just didn’t inwardly put Donghyuck’s secret in front of his face. “Or Mark’s… but I really hope you’re not crushing on my boyfriend.”
Donghyuck can’t blink.
“What?”
“Hyuckie patootie,” Jaemin puts his reusable fork down. “I think the entire world and their moms know you like Mark. It’s okay. In normal circumstances, I wouldn’t throw this into your face but these are not normal circumstances. It’s been years.”
“I’m not jealous of Jeno! Or Mark for that matter!” Donghyuck decides to argue because facing Jaemin’s last statement is just too much for now.
“Okay,” Jaemin agrees easily as he munches on lettuce. “Then what is it?”
Donghyuck sighs. He isn’t even hungry anymore. “Just. Has Mark been distant with you lately?”
Jaemin stops for a second and thinks, but judging by the glint in his eyes Donghyuck already knows what he’s about to say. “Not really. I know you don’t want sugarcoating right now, and I presume that’s what the others did?”
To be honest, Donghyuck has been focusing on Mark too much lately, worrying and creating scenarios in his head that did nothing but add to the already existing pool of worry in his brain, and in the midst of it he forgot he had a friend he could rely on—he forgot how nice it was to talk to Jaemin. His attentive character allows him to pick up on things that weren’t even said, and much like Donghyuck, he knows how his friends feel even before they express it.
“Jeno did, yeah. I thought Mark was kind of ignoring you guys too. I was surprised to see them now, that’s it.”
“Well, it’s not Jeno’s fault. Maybe he didn’t want to worry you too much,” Jaemin comments. “But I can see you’re already worried. Since when has Mark been ignoring you?”
“Over two weeks now.”
Donghyuck doesn’t see the expression Jaemin makes at that, but he can picture it was nothing short of a grimace.
“And you guys didn’t fight?”
“No. I would have understood if it was the outcome of a fight or something. He just… isn’t with me.”
“Don’t take it personal then, Hyuck.”
Donghyuck scoffs. “A bit hard when I’m the only one between us with whom he hasn’t talked to in days.”
Jaemin responds by buying some crackers Donghyuck likes on their way back home, and takes it upon himself to feed Donghyuck despite the latter’s complaints.
For once, Donghyuck wants to be wrong, and wishes that Mark would just approach him as he always did.
**
The shuffling sound of the covers brushing against his skin is the most prevalent noise in the entire room, and its intensity unsettles Mark to an unbearable degree.
In a halt, he sits up, discarding the covers to the floor and taking a deep, almost choking breath.
“What the fuck,” his clammy hands press against his eyes in an attempt to stop the overflowing thoughts. He just doesn’t want to think.
It is just—it’s not possible, is the thing. Mark tries to reason with himself for the nth time and comes to the solid wall that prevents him from navigating his reasons further—a big wall made of stubborn denial and a bitter fear.
After his conversation with Jaehyun, all Mark could think about was on how to fix the connections he made with the people he liked but positively ruined since he didn’t like them in the same way. What he did wasn’t fair—dating just for the sake of distraction while leading the dates on and on—and he knows it, but taking accountability can be particularly hard when it comes to his intentional and conscious choices. He takes pride in his pride (something that Donghyuck always makes fun of since it often comes to bite him in the ass) and letting go of that is necessary in order to apologize and move on.
It took him a couple of days of introspection and alone time to finally start doing what he knew was due. It worked for the most part; the people he knew could become good friends with him took his apology and accepted to meet up again, this time in a friendly and platonic nature, as some others took his apology but nicely rejected another meetup as they weren’t interested, which Mark expected. All in all, tying up some loose ends always bring a sense of satisfaction so Mark took that feeling with him and tried to squeeze it to the last bits of its remains.
He expected to feel a bit better after that—after all, misunderstandings were quite probably what he hated the most in the world—but was left uncomfortably empty instead. His mind was loud and picking up what was important in the midst of chaos was hard, so Mark just tried to muffle the sounds instead.
Distractions are the best when it comes to preventing thoughts from happening.
But the lack of thoughts entails a different problem entirely, and its result leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and cold sweat to permeate his back.
Mark fixed what he wanted, but in the meantime forgot about the most important part of their conversation; the part that he involuntarily finds himself thinking about when the silence gets too loud. The part that he can’t stop thinking about now. Trying to ignore it was a pathetically futile attempt.
Mark holds love within himself—a fierce, strong, yet tender and soft around the edges kind of love. The love that grows, that gets fed, that is natural. The love that has a name written in red strings and tingling brushes of skin against skin. (The love that exists because that person exists.)
Even without stating it explicitly, Jaehyun knew that Mark knew—and fuck did Mark know, it’s been eating him alive for so long.
But knowing it doesn’t mean it is easy to admit it. Mark can’t lie to himself; he knows it deep in his bones that the love he holds inside has a recipient—one that has long claimed Mark’s heart as his home.
Admittedly, the distractions were a cowardly way out that barely worked for a few days, leaving him tired and guilty every time he came back home and found everyone already asleep and dozens of texts left unread. As much as he tried to bury the thoughts deep into an unreachable pit, Mark was only human, and as such, completely beguiled by Donghyuck’s sole existence. And as all humans, Mark made stupid choices, and purposefully ignoring Donghyuck left him hurting without knowing what the hell to do next. So, he kept his distance, if only to prevent his best friend to see him like the walking disaster he was.
No matter how much he twists and turns the matter around, there is no way he can just—what, admit and face he is in love with Donghyuck? Fuck no.
The big wall is so tall and sturdy, there is no way around it. There is no way Donghyuck could ever love him back.
Mark lays back down again, and this time the covers don’t make any noise.
His heart beats louder in his head as he thinks again.
After all, such a bright person deserves someone just as good, right?
**
Donghyuck almost let his tongue run wild once.
Back when he was too busy not filing up information regarding the way Mark’s eyes fucking sparkled, it was easier to ignore the way his heart beat at a different rhythm when Mark’s hands circled around his waist. Back when not naming the way he felt when Mark pronounced his name allowed him to just joke about it instead.
Alcohol was a mild factor on that occasion—mild because Donghyuck’s tongue runs wild on the daily anyways, and since he is not the biggest drinker, the few drinks he had barely made any effect on him. It was mostly the atmosphere that played a factor on how the events unfolded that night.
Parties—oh, parties—were his thing. For all the introverts he had as friends, it was surprising how many parties he found to be attending. Most of the times he went with Mark, because no matter how many times he called the older one a loser, that loser had cooler friends who actually hosted or organized the parties. And other times he went with Renjun, using the fact that hot boys would be attending as a bait. This was one of the few precious times he went with both, plus Jeno and Jaemin.
After having some drinks and establishing a sure place in the dance floor, Donghyuck was having a swell fucking time. Renjun clung to his shoulders while laughing at the guys who couldn’t even hide the way they looked at him, but that Donghyuck kept repeating were way worse than what his friend deserved, and Mark stayed close to them while also giving his attention to his other friends.
Donghyuck and Renjun’s strategy to get Renjun’s crush attention worked after a couple of songs, sharing secret high fives when Yukhei approached them confidently with the offer of buying Renjun a drink. Another satisfied costumer of Donghyuck’s amazing matchmaking services.
“Literally how the fuck do you do it.” Mark wondered amusedly when the pair were seen abrasively close to each other by the bar.
“It’s a natural talent,” Donghyuck bragged, turning to cling his arms on Mark’s shoulders. His turn to be swirled around. “But honestly, who in their right minds wouldn’t want to date Renjun. Don’t tell him I said that.”
Mark’s cheekbones were up in his face as he shook his head in never-ending amusement. “Do you want to date Renjun?”
“Dude, no, what the fuck.”
“So you’re not in your right mind?” He teased, barely paying attention to the music blasting through the stereos anymore. “How come you don’t use your matchmaking abilities with yourself though?”
Trying to get them to move again, Donghyuck pressed himself a bit closer, talking to his ear so he wouldn’t have to scream anymore. “I’m too good for anyone.”
Mark laughed in his ear, sending annoying shivers through his spine. “I don’t doubt that.”
“Maybe I’ll use them for you instead.”
“Yeah? You’ll match me up with someone?”
Donghyuck nodded, ignoring the weird sensation on his heart doing weird things on his chest. He’d probably have to check with the doctor or something. “Do you want someone hot or funny or hot and funny?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“Answer.”
“Hot and funny?”
Donghyuck grinned. “You’ve been matched up!”
Mark’s confused smile was bathed in neon lights, and his fingers on Donghyuck’s waist tightened minutely. “With whom?”
“With me!” Donghyuck giggled, swaying his hips to the rhythm of a badly remixed song.
“What?”
“You don’t like me?” He teased, the music too loud, the bodies too close, the feelings too confusing.
Mark couldn’t answer. His mouth was open in a small circle, trying and failing to get words out. Why was he taking it so seriously? It was just a joke.
“I…”
“I’m kidding!” Donghyuck snickered, finding the feeling of disappointment shyly make its way to his belly. What was that about.
Composing himself slowly, Mark just moved following Donghyuck’s steps. “Oh, haha.”
With a suddenly dry mouth, Donghyuck swallowed. “It’s not like I like you either,” he whispered, glad the music was too loud for Mark to hear.
It was just a joke, Donghyuck kept repeating in his head.
**
It’s such an ugly feeling; the one that creeps up on you not at once but increasingly so, the one that stems from a place you’ve cemented yourself. The feeling of knowing you are always the first one to break.
In times, this is a good thing. It can show maturity and even a leader-like personality, but in other times it’s like a punishment.
There is barely a handful of times in which Donghyuck has had bad thoughts because of Mark—not even enough to count using all of one hand’s fingers. Mark has grown to be a constant in Donghyuck’s life, a secure and positive haven for him—a home.
These types of people come once in a lifetime, Donghyuck knows, and it’s hard to miss the bond they both have. Mark calls them soulmates, and as cheesy as it sounds, Donghyuck fully believes it.
But having this particular feeling arise in lights of Mark is particularly painful.
After weeks of strained conversations cut short way too quickly, after messages left on read, and after calls left unanswered, Donghyuck breaks.
There is something to be said for how long he actually held himself together, but the hurt becomes real and palpable after a full month passes and Mark keeps ignoring him unabashedly. It’s a commonly known fact at this point, that Mark is purposefully ignoring Donghyuck, and it sucks so fucking bad that Donghyuck doesn’t even know if ‘ignoring’ is the right terminology anymore.
Maybe this is how things were meant to be.
With tears threatening to spill from his eyes, Donghyuck does something he actually despises—something he has promised to himself wouldn’t do again because nothing good ever comes out of it.
He looks back to the past.
Donghyuck is known to be a ‘what happened in the past is left in the past’ kind of person; he makes choices in the moment, acts in the moment, and if regrets ensue well—that is left in the past. Regretting past decisions do nothing to the present state of things, and wishing he could have done or said something in the past doesn’t change where he is now, so why do it. Fully aware that it won’t change anything, Donghyuck does it anyways, for the first time in ages. Drastic means take for drastic measures or whatever.
(He regrets it immediately, as it was to be expected.)
Looking back forces him to rethink his relationship with Mark in a way he is not comfortable with.
From the get-go, although after some bumps in the road, Donghyuck had been open with Mark. He let him in, told him secrets, trusted him, found himself a safe place in Mark’s heart—the vulnerability he’s always been scared of wasn’t so terrible when he was with Mark.
Mark did the same in return; listening to him, trusting him, telling him his own secrets and keeping Donghyuck’s with a tender heart. He was open too, Donghyuck thinks (not wanting to doubt him—he has never doubted Mark.)
Yet there it is—the problem. Donghyuck doesn’t know if it’s so much a problem as it is a something that does not sit well with him. It’s a realization, really, something that has always been there but that he never put any thought into until now.
Looking back, Donghyuck realizes he has always been the one to take the first step.
Every message sent out to start a conversation back then is on the right side of the screen. Every question to meet up were according to Mark’s schedule. Every videocall request was an outgoing call. All Donghyuck’s doing.
It wouldn’t be a problem if the situation right now were different from what it is.
The one time Mark could and should be the first one to take the first step, he is still not doing it, and the realization that he might not ever do it breaks Donghyuck into tiny little pieces.
Donghyuck has no problems in being the first one to take a step ahead, but being the sole active participant in a friendship that involves two people is not only discouraging but painfully disappointing. He has never looked at Mark with anything but love—in any way that word could ever mean—and it is the first time he is ever close to doubting his best friend, his fucking soulmate for fuck’s sake.
Did Mark only ever kept up with him because Donghyuck asked him to? Because Donghyuck was the first (maybe only one) to ask?
His heart aches. Is he not enough for Mark? If he doesn’t break first then who will?
It’s hard to keep his brain from thinking the most hurtful and horrible possible scenarios, especially when his tears have left a trace on his checks and his fingers grip the sheets so hard it hurts.
Does Mark even care about him?
Maybe ‘ignoring’ is not the right word to use anymore. Maybe Mark wouldn’t have paid attention to him since the beginning had Donghyuck not persisted with texts and impromptu visits to his room.
Maybe this is how things were meant to play out anyways, since Donghyuck is the only one who gives enough of a shit to miss Mark right now and wants to fix this.
It’s not ignoring if one of them doesn’t even care, right?
Donghyuck muffles a sob on his pillowcase, leaving a smudge of tears that he hates, closing his eyes immediately. It feels so wrong to think of Mark this way; as a careless, mean, awful guy. Donghyuck knows Mark, despite everything he knows he knows the older boy, so seeing him act so opposite to his attentive, gentle and goofy self feels like a bunch of ice-cold water thrown at his face.
He is not used to not having Mark by his side, to not have him giggle at every remotely funny thing that comes out of his mouth, to not have his comforting hugs and soft hand holds, to not have him at all.
Realistically, he knows taking the first steps were not a mistake, and that Mark only followed because he wanted to, because he also cared. But remembering that is hard when he only has his ugly thoughts to keep him company.
Feeling ignored and like the dumb one for being the first one to break, his heart is left cold and sad, and the knot on his throat starts to feel like a long-known friend. Before crying tires him enough to sleep, he thinks maybe taking the first step once again will give him closure if things go wrong; even if it’s for the last time, only to save what is still there, Donghyuck decides to talk to Mark again.
The tears dry on his cheeks by the time he loses himself to sleep.
**
Maybe he should have waited until his mind had a bit more power over his heart.
Maybe then Donghyuck would have thought about his words more carefully, and approached Mark in a more calmed manner.
Alas—Donghyuck has never been good in listening to his head more than his heart.
Led by frustration, dejectedness, and a fervently desperate wish to just fix things, Donghyuck torments into Mark’s room a few days later, not waiting a second before he hears the door ping signaling the elder’s arrival.
(Maybe then he would have noticed Mark’s dark circles under his eyes and tired steps as he dragged himself to his room.)
Donghyuck pushes past the barely closing door of the room and barely takes in the state of disarray that welcomes him, instead focusing on the boy in front of him. Mark’s surprised stare and slight blabber do nothing to quell the fire Donghyuck feels all over—the type of fire that burns so unpleasantly he’d rather just – Donghyuck turns around.
“What are you doing?” Mark mumbles as he lets his bag fall to the floor, closing the door quietly while Donghyuck’s back faces him.
This type of tense silence is as new as it is known. Back when they fought over silly things and disagreed to the point of upsetting each other, they also had to deal with charged silences, though these usually only lasted a day at most. Donghyuck has lost count of how many days they’ve been stretching this silence thin.
“I don’t know,” Donghyuck replies tersely, fingers fumbling restlessly. “What are you doing?”
Mark halts. “What?”
“How long are you planning to avoid me for?” Donghyuck turns to look at Mark in the eye, hoping the older can feel just how much he is being serious right now.
“I- I am not –”
“Don’t even,” he huffs. “Are you at least going to tell me why?”
Mark looks at him wide-eyed, and a part of Donghyuck tells him that maybe Mark was not expecting Donghyuck to confront him, if the shaky glint in his eyes and his speechlessness are anything to go by.
“I didn’t mean to,” Mark shakes his head. He looks equal parts scared and confused. “I swear I wasn’t avoiding you it’s just–”
“Just what. Just what, Mark? It’s just that you have been blatantly ignoring me for the past fucking month with no explanation.”
“I didn’t mean to! I didn’t realize I…” Mark defends, and the fright that seems to not leave his eyes makes Donghyuck feel on edge.
After one too many seconds of Mark fumbling with seemingly nonexistent words, Donghyuck snaps.
“The fuck, Mark. You didn’t realize we haven’t had a civil fucking conversation in a month? You didn’t realize I was the only one you didn’t meet up with in thirty something ass days? Am I absolutely nothing to you or what?!”
Mark stumbles a step forward hurriedly as he sees Donghyuck’s eyes begin to fill up with tears, stretching his arms as if to hold Donghyuck before he fades away. Donghyuck feels like fading away.
“It’s not that, Hyuckie, you know that.” Mark pleads brokenly.
“I actually don’t know, Minhyung. I have no fucking clue anymore. All this time we’ve known each other I was always the one to move first. I was the first one to say sorry every fucking time and apologizing isn’t exactly my favorite hobby,” Donghyuck interjects bitingly. There’s no way to stop once his heart takes over his mind, once his emotions take over is over and done for everyone. “I was the first to reach out when we first started talking and now, I’m the first and apparently the only one to realize we haven’t seen each other properly in weeks.”
It’s also the first time Donghyuck has ever uttered that name with something other than fondness, and the shock of hearing the name entangled with such a bitter taste leaves Mark utterly unsettled.
“You’re not even saying anything now,” Donghyuck snarls bitterly, his hands are shaking a bit in rhythm with his thundering heart. “We’ve really been having a one-sided friendship, huh? Do you actually not care at all?” his voice breaks at the last word, and withholding the tears Donghyuck turns around again, not daring to look at Mark when the tears finally run free.
There’s a particular taste of dread. It’s the one that comes when you care so much about someone that the very thought of possibly losing them feels like the world is crumbling down at your feet. Donghyuck never thought he would taste it, but now it sits icing cold on his tongue and it freezes him cold, way too suddenly over the angering hotness he felt when he first came into the room. If he were a glass vase, he would have broken into a million pieces by now.
Donghyuck takes a few breaths to steady himself but calming himself down seems an unattainable task. Right as he’s about to just bid good riddance and leave with a broken soul, he hears a wobbly intake of breath.
“You’re not real,” Mark says then. He’s avoiding eye contact at all cost, his hands are shaking a bit where they hang at his sides, and Donghyuck just doesn’t fucking get it.
“What?”
“You’re just—” Mark huffs, and Donghyuck is scared. Mark sounds exasperated but tired, his eyes are shining with hushed tears and he just can’t look at Donghyuck in the eye. “Have you ever stopped to think about how I feel being your friend?” He starts, finally looking at Donghyuck. “I was absolutely terrified of befriending you back when we first met. It wasn’t just because we were so different, but because you’re just… unreal.”
Mark breathes heavily as every word seems to take a bit of himself with it.
“I felt so overpowered by you. I felt like nothing next to you. You were out there knowing everyone, making everyone smile, being good at everything… I wasn’t jealous about how amazing you were, but I was scared of comparing myself to you. I couldn’t help it. But then—then you wouldn’t let me get away from you and we grew closer. And fuck—you just… you just lifted me up in every way.” When the first tear slips from Mark’s eyes Donghyuck lets his own tears stain his cheeks, feeling so angry and scared and longing all at once.
Mark continues before Donghyuck has the chance to speak.
“After feeling so insecure for literally no reason you just found ways to make me feel good about myself again. I don’t know, maybe you noticed, maybe you didn’t. Whatever the reason—you just hyped me up every time. You stayed by my side at all times, you listened to me, you encouraged me… you made me feel like the greatest guy ever. You’re everything, Donghyuck.”
As if he had just exerted all possible physical strength he had left, Mark falls to the ground, sitting down like a rag doll left alone. He looks up at Donghyuck, and this time he allows himself to look past his anger to actually see Mark again.
With his back against the door and shoulders down, Donghyuck notices Mark is just letting himself be open and vulnerable in front of Donghyuck again after his sincere words have made their way to the deepest crevices of Donghyuck’s hurt head and heart.
“How could I ever approach you first? When you were so bright…” Mark whispers, so openly, so raw. “You’re the brightest person ever and you don’t even realize it, Hyuck. You’re too good to be true.”
He doesn’t know when his legs gave up on supporting his body, barely feeling when his knees touch the ground; Donghyuck sits in front of Mark and feels his existence as every second passes—the roughness of the carpet as his fingers clutch to find solid ground, the wetness of his cheeks as the tears start to dry, the unsteadiness of his breath as he looks at his best friend and feels an overwhelming sense of love.
It is not the first time Mark takes Donghyuck’s breath away, but it is the first time that Donghyuck is okay with being left breathless for a second, because he knows Mark feels the same way.
Mark looks at Donghyuck like he is the most perfect man on earth, like he is his actual soulmate, like he is the reason he laughs louder now, like he is the one who taught him how to love—like he is everything. Donghyuck feels dizzy.
It’s hard not to believe Mark’s words when he moves closer and soft hands reach his; tender fingers holding on to Donghyuck’s hand tentatively, waiting for his reaction, tracing little touches before Donghyuck turns his palm up and interlaces their fingers together.
“I never meant to hurt you, Donghyuck-ah, I am sorry I did just that,” Mark confesses, never breaking eye contact. “I needed to have a bit of space but I… I didn’t know how to tell you that. I didn’t know what to say if you asked me why and—I was scared of admitting it myself.”
“You should have said something still,” Donghyuck whispers.
Mark nods, holding on tighter. “It wasn’t because I didn’t trust you or anything, please know that. It was all me… I was trying to make sense of everything by myself and I didn’t even think about how that might look like for you – for us. Ignoring you was a bad outcome of me not knowing what the fuck to do but I promise I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
Donghyuck mulls over his words, stopping himself from twisting them this way and that as to not wear them out – as to not trick himself into believing they might mean more than what they do.
“Alright,” Donghyuck says, very quietly, very tired. “Just don’t do that again, please. Now I know you didn’t mean it but I felt like shit and I can’t take that again. Can’t have you not being with me okay, you’re a loser but I like you and I would rather have you around okay whatever.”
Mark breathes out a watery laugh, still half tearing up half recovering, but the fond glimmer in his eyes is not product of his tears. “I’d rather have you around too, Hyuckie,” he moves a bit closer, running his thumb over the last remnant of tears left on Donghyuck’s cheekbone. Their proximity is the only reason Donghyuck is able to hear Mark when he murmurs, lowly, “I shouldn’t have been so scared… it’s us.”
“What were you afraid of?”
Donghyuck feels his poor heart running mile after mile after tripping over twice on loop when Mark looks him in the eye, cups his face, and smiles his lovely smile with high cheekbones perking up.
“Of admitting to myself that I love you.”
Heart trips again. And jumps. And falls. And Donghyuck can’t feel his face.
“What.”
Mark smiles wider, pushes himself even closer and Donghyuck feels like he’s been swallowed alive. He didn’t realize he had been tightening his hold on Mark’s hand so tightly until Mark laughs a bit after shaking it free. “Relax dude, I’m not going anywhere.”
“No. The fuck you can’t just ‘dude’ me after saying that what –”
“I’m sorry,” Mark says, holding both of Donghyuck’s hands again in a gentle grasp, and they both know the apology is not for just saying dude. “I was an idiot. I got overwhelmed when I realized that wanting to grow old with you in a nice apartment in a city you like might not be the most platonic of wishes… and I was terrified of confronting you once I made sense of my feelings. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, and I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship either… I just felt stuck and I knew that spending time with you in that state would overwhelm me even more.” Donghyuck sighs, resting their foreheads together, and lets himself to just listen to Mark’s words, his breather, and his beating heart. “I just think you should know you’re the most special person I’ve ever met, and that I’ll be stuck with you for a very long time if you’d let me.”
Donghyuck smiles, not realizing he had his eyes closed until he opens them and sees Mark looking directly at him so earnestly he feels like passing out.
“I… do you know how I feel? About you?”
“I don’t. There were times I thought you might like me but I dismissed it as quick as I could. I guess it scared me to think you could like me because I am actually not that great and you deserve better and –”
“Stop right there, mister, what the hell. You’re amazing. Don’t you ever look down on yourself ever again or I’ll punch your stupidly pretty face.”
Mark giggles. He’s just perfect like that.
“And you were right. Embarrassingly so, but yes. I did like you – I do like you. I love you actually, I think you’re my most favorite person ever but I won’t admit to it ever again so enjoy your one-time free trial.”
Mark lifts Donghyuck’s chin gently, thoroughly pleased at the sight of Donghyuck blushing such a pretty shade of pink it makes his heart shake. “You make me the happiest, Donghyuck-ah.”
Swallowing a fucking whine or whatever the fuck it was about to come out of his mouth, Donghyuck nods again, feeling his ears burn. “Same.”
He sees the way Mark looks from his eyes to his lips in a quick motion, sees the way the elder’s eyes linger on his mouth when Donghyuck involuntarily licks them a bit, feels the way his body naturally leans in closer, closer, closer, but not close enough.
Mark traces his bottom lip gently with his thumb, sending a torrent of shivers through his spine, and Donghyuck cannot fucking take it anymore.
“If you don’t kiss me right the fuck n—”
Mark kisses him. So deeply Donghyuck feels the floor melting away. Mark parts his lips so lovely and opens Donghyuck’s mouth like he’s known how to kiss him for forever. Mark sighs when Donghyuck opens his mouth to welcome him in, swallowing his small moans and devouring Donghyuck whole. The space that grew between them in the past weeks now nonexistent, and Donghyuck feels like crying of happiness.
Their mouths meet again, and again, because they’ve always been meant to be, and they know it.
Donghyuck breaks away first, leaving barely any space as he catches his breath, and bites Mark’s bottom lip before talking again.
“Against my better judgement I also I want you to be stuck with me for a very long time. And I would like a house, not an apartment because I want at least 3 pets.”
Mark agrees. Of course he does, Donghyuck has him wrapped around his pretty fingers. And oh, how much he is okay with that.
He kisses him again.