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Loving Nott takes a special kind of person. You are that kind of person.
When Mighty Nein first formed, you had kept yourself back and just observed everyone. The ways they acted, how they spoke, different intergroup interactions. You like to know who you’re traveling with and, somewhere along the way of getting to know everyone, Nott wormed her way into your heart. You don’t care that she’s a goblin, don’t care that she’s threatened to kill everyone except Caleb several times over seriously at least half of those times. You don’t care what she could have done to be thrown in jail. (Half because you know she’s a good person, and half because you know that it’s most likely just because she’s a goblin.)
Mostly, you don’t care for the way that Fjord looks down on her for stealing. You’d watched her seal everything she stole up once, and mail it away, so you know it’s not for you. She’s stealing for someone else until she has enough to justify spending the mailing cost to ship it to them. The night you realized this, you cried yourself to sleep. The force of her love for this unknown person had hit you fully in the chest, and you cried for hours. Over the months of getting to know the Mighty Nein, you’d also come to know how they loved.
It was at that moment, crying yourself to sleep, that you realized that Nott loved with her entire body and soul but didn’t know how to show it any other way than stealing things, baring her teeth, and sinking into her flask. Most of that probably came from being a goblin in a place that looked down upon them, like they were vermin rather than people. How long had she gone without kindness? How many times had she flinched away from casual touch since you’d known her? Your heart aches for her because you know that she hates herself, hates the body that she’s stuck in, and hates the way the world sees her.
By the Gods, you realize one day, she’s not even kind to herself. The Mighty Nein might be the first group of people that were wholly nice to her, and even then there was still tension because of her habits. You wonder if Caleb was the first person to be kind to her ever and have to turn your head away from your friends at breakfast to hide the way that you’re beginning to cry at the thought. But you’re lucky because it’s a shopping day. Shopping days were becoming more and more common the more money you guys got for your mercenary work - more coin to spend, more upgrades to your weapons.
For you, today, it meant more time alone. That’s exactly what you needed to put your plan into place. After breakfast you take off on your own, fumbling with your bag so that Caleb and Nott don’t notice that you’re following them to the shops they go to. The plan is last minute, a way to show Nott kindness and appreciation in a way that she’ll not only understand but hopefully appreciate.
You hum a jaunty tune as you follow them, staying about a shop back, and watch Nott as she flitters around Caleb while he shops. Every now and then, she’ll pick something up and observe it. A jar of mismatched buttons, a children’s book, a doll that is missing one arm but has a funny little top hat. You know she thinks about taking each of them and, every time Caleb stops her from doing so, she counts out her coin to see if she can afford it. Nott cannot afford any of them - last night she’d been determined to buy everyone a round in the bar and had burnt through most of the last payment you all had received. You had watched her do that, knowing that she wouldn’t be able to buy anything.
That’s why the plan had fallen into place as well as it could for a plan made over breakfast in your head while you were juggling conversations.
Nott deserves nice things. She deserves kindness - she deserves kindness in a way that she will understand and not be able to misinterpret. Her life has been so hard and she has been so unhappy in the past. You just want to make her happy. Want to be the one to give her that kindness, the ability to send her packages filled with love without burning through all of her cash. You want to love her without telling her how you love her because you’re definitely not ready to tell her that.
Besides, who’s to say the packages aren’t going to a lover?
So instead of pulling her into your arms, instead of telling her all of these things and being upfront with her, you use your shopping day to inadvertently show her and tell her all of these things.
Once Caleb and Nott leave the shop they’re in, you duck into it. You snatch up the buttons, the children’s book, the doll with the funny little hat and you buy them. They’re pricey for a consignment shop, but you hand over most of your coin and put your treasures into your bag before heading back to the street. You’re not too worried about being essentially out of money because, well, it takes a certain kind of person to love Nott. You are that kind of person. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have money, because you’re not above stealing to make her happy. You would do anything to make her happy.
The day continues and you amass a lot of things to give to Nott. When you get back to the tavern and retire to your room, you’re still on the fence about whether or not you want to give them to her in person or in secret. When you think about the pressure receiving so many gifts will put on her, you decide to give them to her in secret. Of course, it’ll be too obvious if you stretch out the gifts over weeks or months. She’ll eventually be able to figure out that it’s someone in the group and, eventually, she’ll figure out that it’s you. Nott is very smart., no matter how much she would like to pretend she is not. You empty your bag and pack everything into it, another plan falling into place as the sun goes down.
Jester comes to announce that they are going to go downtown for dinner and you brush her off. “I have a headache,” You say, scrunching up your face to make it believable as you stand by the door, “I think I’m going to take a nap and eat something here before bed.”
She worries for you, offers a spell to make you feel better, but you brush her off. “Not when you’re going downtown,” Is your excuse, “I want you guys to be prepared always. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you wasted a spell on me and then something happened.”
“Makes sense,” Jester nods. Her eyes are wide and trusting and, honestly, you almost feel bad for lying to her. “I will come and check in on you when we arrive home!” She kisses your cheek and is off. You stand at the door for a minute more, turning to shut yourself back into your room when Caleb and Nott pass you. The bag heavy on your hip burns like she’s going to be able to look at you and see what you have for her.
“Are you not joining us?” Caleb asks, brows furrowing. Nott looks up at you with almost the same expression and you almost give in. Almost join them for dinner, just so the worry on Nott’s face goes away. You hold your ground.
“No, I have a headache,” You repeat your lie, “I’m just going to bunk down for the night after I get a snack downstairs.”
Nott reaches for your hand. “Well, Jester can heal you.” She says, “So that you’re not in any pain.” You smile at Nott and hope you’re not blushing at her care for you.
“Ja, or perhaps I could try.” Caleb shrugs. “Healing magic is complicated, sicher, but I can figure it out.”
“I’m okay,” You squeeze Nott’s hand, and she squeezes back. “It’s nothing big and, besides, we wouldn’t want to make our little cleric jealous when you learn how to heal, ja?”
“But you are hurting,” Nott shakes her head, “You shouldn’t just let yourself hurt when there’s a way to fix it.” Her words carry more weight than maybe she intends them to and you find yourself almost crying again.
“Nott, I promise you it’s not that bad,” You smile and squeeze her hand again, hoping that your hand isn’t becoming clammy, “I’ll get something small and then sleep it off.”
“I will come check on you when we get home.” She says, finally taking her hand back only to wring it nervously in front of her. “And Caleb didn’t put the string spell on our room, so if you want to go lay down in there, you can. We’re sharing with each other and I’m sure that Beau is going to challenge Fjord to another drinking contest. She’ll be loud when she comes back to your room.” Caleb sniffs and you know that she hasn’t run that past him.
“Thank you, Nott,” Your throat is clogged with emotion but you decline. “I hope that by the time you come back I’ll be better.” You feel sort of bad lying to your friends, but it’s for a good cause. (Also you reason with yourself that if you don’t feel bad about stealing those things for Nott, you shouldn’t feel bad about lying so that you can sneak into her room and hide the treasures amongst her things for her to find.) So you lie. You let them leave. You sneak to Caleb and Nott’s room and hide the trinkets and treasures among their things for them to find in a few minutes, a few hours. a few days, a few weeks.
Hopefully, it won’t make her suspicious. Hopefully, you’ve hidden them well enough. Hopefully, they are kind enough and they make her feel loved.