Chapter Text
Sawamura is starting to think he pissed off an old ancient god that’s been long forgotten. Like seriously! Why him? Take all of Sawamura’s worst, traumatic and irritable moments, make it into a movie and press play. Every night. Every night, he’s forced to relive all of it just when he started to move on. He wakes up at 3:30 am in a pile of sweat with tears streaming down his face. His head pounds, like someone is piercing a nail through his skull, and all he can do is run. He leaves his dorm and makes his way to field A.
Todoroki Raich hit a home run!
Enough.
Dead ball!
Stop.
You’re just a reliever.
Shut up.
There’s no need for two pitchers on the mound.
Don’t you think I know that?
Crippled with Yips, why is Sawamura still a starter?
How should I know?
I leave the last inning to you, Furuya. We will let the Ace do it.
Goddamnit.
Do you wanna pitch, Furuya?
You bastard.
I wanna go pro. Why won’t you tell me that? You’re already thinking about Koshien?
You’re one to talk. You hypocrite.
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck-
You only became the ace because Furuya fucked up. Coach was never going to make you the ace because no one trusts you.
“FUCK!” He cries out into the deep blue sky with shimmering stars. Maybe the stars will pity him.
What if you didn't come here?
Don’t say that.
You could’ve been happily playing baseball with Wakana and the others.
I want to win.
Seidou can win without you.
Don’t say it.
Seidou will be fine without you.
Please don’t say it.
Miyuki Kazuya would be fine without you. And you’re completely aware of that. So you run, you run away from your problems.
I know… I know, so stop.
The tears well up in his eyes and he scurries to wipe them away. No more tears. No more crying. Even if his chest felt hollow and his heart was shattering, he wouldn't cry. He can’t cry. Don’t let them see your tears. Keep it under control. Pull yourself together. Don’t mess it up. No one can know. He hits his chest with his fist multiple times, winicing from the pain.
Stop. This feeling, get rid of it. This emptiness, this doubt. Get rid of it.
Luckily he brought his phone with him. He checks the time and decides to head back before Kuramochi or Asada wake up and notice he’s gone. When a light blue washes over the sky, Sawamura will put on his brightest smile and act like nothing is wrong.
Because nothing is wrong. Right?
Right. He catches his breath, smears his tears away and tucks himself back into bed. Except he doesn’t fall asleep. He can’t. He’s worried. He’s tired but he can’t sleep. Not when he’ll see his worst memories again. Slowly, the bright rays of the sun roll in through their shades, highlighting the faded gold in Sawamura’s eyes. He lost his shimmer but no one noticed.
Because they don’t care about you-
He sits up and hops out of bed. It’s close enough to 5 am so it wouldn’t be weird if he was seen outside of his room or seen running. He has to run. If he runs then there’s nothing to think about. The endless chatter in his skull will finally shut up. He grabs his toothbrush and other morning supplies and walks out, gently closing the door. He scowls at the mirror in front of him, turning the sink off. Who is that? His dark circles are horrendous and his eyes mimic dead fish eyes except the outer edges were red and slightly puffy.
Fuck, get rid of it. They’ll know.
He hastily turns the sink on again and drenches his face with cold water, putting a lot of pressure on his eyes.
“Sawamura?”
Goddamnit. That voice was the last thing he wanted to hear right now.
His hands drop and he glares playfully, “Miyuki Kazuya! What do you want?”
“My morning kiss.” The third year approached his kouhai, puckering his lips only for Sawamura to slap a hand down on his mouth.
“Bad breath! Go brush your teeth first, stinky!”
Miyuki rolls his eyes and heads to a sink.“You’re so rude and it’s only 5 am.” He notices Sawamura packing up his things and exiting. “My kiss!”
“Get it later!” He calls out from outside the bathroom, rushing to his room to hide.
He hates you now. No.
He’s gonna think you’re acting weird. You always give him a morning kiss. No, I don’t.
He’s going to know. Shut up. Shutupshutupshutupshut-
“Sawamura!” Kuramochi’s raspy voice cuts through his thoughts easily. “Stop fucking around and get dressed already!” Kuramochi and Asada we’re already up, gathering their supplies and heading to the bathroom. Only they couldn’t leave because Sawamura was standing in the doorway, dazed.
“Oh, sorry!” He scurries out of the way and let’s them leave. Once the door shuts, his lips tremble and his eyes begin to sting.
Stop. Don’t you dare cry. I’m trying.
Try harder. I’m trying! He bits down on his lip and busies himself with getting dressed.
Take off your shirt and then put your compression shirt on, then your jersey. Take off your sweatpants and put your uniform pants on. Tuck the ends under your socks. Get your cleats ready. Slip your feet in and tie. No, you didn’t tie it right. Tie it again. No, again. Tie it again. Why can’t you tie it? How are you going to play baseball if you can’t even tie your cleats? See? Seidou doesn’t need a useless player like you. Miyuki doesn’t need a boyfriend who can’t tie his shoes. Miyuki doesn’t need you.
Oh how Sawamura would kill for someone to end this nagging in his brain. It picks apart at everything, causing him an ache down to his sore bones.
“How long are you going to stare at your cleats?” Kuramochi raises his eyebrows and stares at Sawamura’s blank face. Seriously, why can’t he ever notice that they're there? He looks down at his cleats and notices that one of them has multiple knots in his laces so he sits down and works through them.
“One of them is knotted! Leave me be, Mochi-senpai!” Sawamura argues childishly with no real rage behind his voice and when Kuramochi goes in for a headlock, he lets out a sigh of relief in his head.
Good, he doesn’t think you’re acting weird. Good. This is good.
Morning practice went on fine, Sawamura was a great actor after all. All you have to do is flash your smile, get riled up, and shout. That’s basically all he was.
You’re just a clown to them. Think about it! All you need to do to be seen as normal is act like a fool. They don’t care if you can pitch well. If they did, then why didn’t Coach use you at Koshien? Or why did he wait so long to swap Furuya out of the Ichidai game? As long as you can bring up the team morale, they’ll keep you. Isn’t that fine? At least I’ll be needed for something. No! You’re a pitcher! Not a mood maker! They don’t trust you. They don’t need you.
Breakfast was annoying. He’d lost all his appetite but forced himself to scarf down all three bowls of rice. Which was all pointless when he eventually threw up after his first class. Luckily no one heard him or questioned him when he went back to class, popping a mint in his mouth after rinsing the putrid, acidic taste out. Staying awake in class was also another problem. The last thing he wanted was to have a nightmare during class only to wake up screaming or crying. Seriously, why him ? Seidou had finally won against Inashiro and was on their way to Koushien once again… So why can’t he just be happy? Why can’t he celebrate? All his worries that he didn’t know he had are suddenly causing him to sink and he can’t run away.
He pushed through the day by either pinching his thigh or picking at his cracked lips, digging his nails into the raw flesh. Pain kept him awake although he could’ve done without the headache eating away at him. Afternoon practice wasn’t any different. His headache got worse and he was tense when he was in the bullpen while pitching to Miyuki so Coach made him run. So he ran. Ran away once again. He eventually got his shit together and pitched a couple decent balls before deciding to head to dinner. Sawamura tried his best to limit his time with Miyuki without seeming different or weird but it was proven difficult especially when Miyuki is surprisingly the clingy one.
“Oi!” The catcher calls out to his pitcher, gently holding onto his wrist before Sawamura could escape. They’re the only ones left in the bullpen. With a small pout and brows furrowed, Miyuki whines, “you never gave me a morning kiss!”
Sawamura can’t help but giggle, some of his anxiety fading away with the sight of his boyfriend pouting. With a soft smile, he presses his lips against Miyuki’s soft, plump ones. Miyuki reciprocates, kissing slowly but with emotion. When they finally separate, the pitcher is peppered with kisses all over his face, earning a boisterous laugh.
It wasn’t like Miyuki was the main cause of Sawamura’s anxiety. He loved his boyfriend but he always found it hard to talk to Miyuki about certain things. It’s not like he likes holding onto the past. If anything, he uses it occasionally as a reminder of how much he’s improved. But every now and then his mind drifts farther than he wants it to.
Every now and then, his dread and fear resurfaces.
Of course he would love to consult his boyfriend about his problems but Sawamura has always viewed these fears as irrational in his mind. What’s the point in getting sad about it now? It’s not like he can do anything to change it. So why is he still afraid?
Sawamura thought that all his anxieties would fade over time but nothing got better. His nightmares continued, his loss of appetite continued, and his pain continued. He kept up his facade though and luckily, no one noticed.
One particular night left him in shambles. The bus scene, freshman year. Sawamura looks over and sees Yuki crying.
You did that. What?
If only you had gotten that one out. I did my best.
You ruined it. I already know that.
You ended their summer. Shut up.
You ended Chris’ summer. Shut the fuck up!
If only you didn’t come to Seidou. Everyone blames you, ya’ know? They just don’t say it to your face. We moved on.
Sure you did. Why couldn’t you get that one out? What’s worse is that after that, you had a complete breakdown! You did horrible during the Yakushi practice match and became crippled! I’m surprised you didn’t leave! Stop it.
Okay, okay…
And just when he thought his nightmare was over, it dragged on.
He was sinking in some dark matter. And no matter how hard he tried to climb out, Sawamura only found himself sinking even faster. But he was the only one sinking, gasping for air. Miyuki was able to stand on top of it, simply watching him sink.
“Sawamura. Just let go. You don’t need to keep chasing me.”
“W-What are you talking about? Are you not going to help me?”
“Why? I’ve already moved on. I’ve graduated. I don’t want you anymore. I don’t need you anymore. C’mon, let go. You’re a nuisance.”
Don’t leave me behind. Please.
I thought we were partners.
His lungs were burning as they’re filled to the brim with liquid. He does his best to claw himself out but he’s swallowed whole. He’s left in a sea of nothing.
‘I want to go pro.’ And yet, he never shared his thoughts with you.
You’re nothing.
He finds himself awake, abruptly sitting up only to crash his forehead against the ceiling. He gnaws on his lips to stifle a wail although he’s not sure if it was even useful at this point considering it was a loud bang. His eyes burn with tears as he holds his head in his hands, writhing around in pain. He chokes back a cry, sinking his teeth into his lips deeper than before, breaking skin and drawing blood. His head starts to spin, his vision turning into waves and spirals while he struggles for air. Huh? Why can’t he breathe? Why does his chest feel so hollow? All he can think about is running away. Run. Quickly. You have to run away. He lets go of his head and tries to make his way down his ladder but his arms are weak and he can barely see right. He misses a step, his grasp on the ladder coming undone, and braces himself for excruciating pain as his body collides into the hard floor. Said pain never came as Kuramochi caught him before he could do real damage. They topple to the floor, Sawamura’s back to Kuramochi’s chest as they sit on the floor. The pitcher never stopped hyperventilating while weeping, struggling to raise to his feet.
“Sawamura!” Kuramochi cries out, wrapping his arms around his kouhai before he could hurt himself any more. “Sawamura! You’re okay! Can you hear me?”
Sawamura couldn’t hear it. At least not properly. It was like he was underwater. Sinking . Everything was muffled, his arms were shaking and his vision was blurring.
Kuramochi could tell his words were being drowned out and with Asada sleeping in a different room tonight, it was up to him to help his roommate. He scans the room quickly to possibly get Sawamura to focus on something when he spots a baseball near his bag. He leans over and snatches it, placing it in Sawamura’s hand while still maintaining a grip on it.
“C’mon kiddo, teach me about all your pitches. Okay? What grips do you have? Huh? Start with the 4-seam.”
The texture of the baseball, cool to the touch with bumpy red seams, is one Sawamura can never forget. His fingers shakily trace over the stitches, feeling each dip before slowly making his 4-seam grip. Kuramochi continued to call out his different pitches, repeating them if he needed to, until Sawamura’s breath was steady. He was drenched in sweat and still in quite a daze but he never once stopped crying. The third year let out a sigh, turning Sawamura around to face him. Still seated on the floor, he brings Sawamura close and envelopes him in a firm yet gentle hug. The brunette buries his face in Kuramochi’s neck, warm tears staining his collar as he clings to the back of the shortstop’s shirt with a deadly grip. No one said anything and eventually Kuramochi ushered Sawamura to his bed because he didn’t trust him up on his bunk bed. They shared a bed, exhausted and shaken up but at least they had each other.
You fucked up. Now he’s going to know. How embarrassing.
Coach’s voice echoes through the early morning as fog settles on the fields. “Where’s Kuramochi and Sawamura?”
Murmurs and whispers but no one had a legitimate answer. Asada didn’t know either because he never went back to his room in the morning. Miyuki sighs, “I’ll go check their room.” Coach gives him a nod while he jogs off the field towards room 5. He turns their doorknob, noticing Sawamura’s bed is empty while Kuramochi’s bed looks fuller than usual. Irritation starts bubbling up in his gut as he spots the two clinging to each other, fast asleep. He knows that his best friend (?) and boyfriend are close like that but there’s still something about this that pisses Miyuki off to the moon and back. Why are they so close? Why are they even sharing a bed? He kicks the frame of the bed with his cleats.
Miyuki snarls, “how long do you two plan on sleeping?” The two jolt awake, sitting up immediately in a daze. They wipe their drool and rub their eyes before looking at Miyuki. He had a look in his eyes that Kuramochi recognized. It’s the same look he had whenever he was pissed, like that time he fought with Zono. He was seething.
“Fuck! We’re late, Bakamura! Get up!” Kuramochi races around the room, throwing his uniform on as fast as he can. Sawamura was still in a daze and he had a throbbing pain in his head but he slipped out of bed. He flinches at Miyuki’s scowl but tries to pay no mind to it as he changes.
“Why were you two in the same bed?” He really did his best to remain calm but anyone could notice the venom in Miyuki’s voice.
Without hesitation, Kuramochi cackles, “hyaha! We watched a horror movie last night and this idiot over here couldn’t sleep alone! He wouldn’t stop crying either! Hahaha!”
“Hey! Don’t just call me out like that! Besides, it was your idea!” Sawamura snaps back, cat eyed and blushing slightly.
Technically, technically , they weren’t lying. This has happened before and since Miyuki never specified which occasion… This technically isn’t a lie. The two of them scurry out of their room and head to the bathroom while Miyuki waits for them in their room. Once they’re alone in the bathroom, Sawamura turns to Kuramochi with a desperate look melting into his face.
“Kuramochi-senpai, you can’t tell anyone about last night. Please.”
Kuramochi stares into Sawamura’s glossy eyes before turning the sink on. “You think I haven’t noticed, kid? You’re not exactly subtle. You’ve been having nightmares for a while, right? I hear you groaning in your sleep. I’m surprised Asada hasn’t woken up because of it.”
Sawamura can feel his heart drop to his stomach, eyes widening slightly as his heartbeat starts to become erratic. Kuramochi sighs, noticing his panicked state.
“Idiot, calm down. I would’ve snitched already if I wanted to but I haven’t. I’ll make you a deal. As long as this doesn’t affect your play in the field, I won’t tell anyone. But the moment you chip, falter, or stumble? I’m telling Coach.”
The brunette pleads quietly, “you can’t tell Miyuki-senpai.”
Kuramochi glances at him before applying a small amount of toothpaste to his brush. “Your boyfriend will hear everything from your lips. I’m not interested in talking to him about you.” He was practically ready to tear me to shreds earlier.
Sawamura nods and gets on with his washing. Once they're done and all clean, they rush back to their room. They throw their cleats on, grab their bags, and sprint to the field with Miyuki. The throbbing pain in Sawamura’s head only got worse and he felt nauseous while running but nonetheless, he made it to the field in one piece. The two who were late begged for forgiveness and were given a warning before they warmed up. They were practicing steals so Coach needed them. He’ll make them run laps another day. Sawamura warmed his shoulder up with Okumura before standing on the mound. Kuramochi was on first base with the second string members playing outfield and infield.
The pitcher messed with the dirt to make it even before taking a deep breath. Calm down. Just breathe . He looks at Miyuki and waits for a sign before nodding and winding up. Of course, Kuramochi took off and managed to steal 2nd easily. Miyuki clicks his tongue before tossing the ball back to Sawamura.
“Ball!”
“Foul!”
“Ball!”
Miyuki was growing even more irritated. What the hell was up with Sawamura this morning? These are simple fastballs he’s asking for! “Your shoulders tense! Loosen up a bit!”
A nod is all he gets. The pitcher moved his shoulder in circular motions, shaking his hand to get blood flowing through his fingers. He winds up once again,
“Ball 4!”
“What the hell…” Miyuki calls a time out and jogs to the mound. “What’s wrong? These are simple but you’re barely hitting my mitt. Seriously, why’s your aim so shitty this morning?” Sawamura wouldn’t look up to meet his gaze which was riling him up even more. Kuramochi looked on with concern from 2nd base.
Shitty? See that? You’re just a shitty pitcher in his eyes! All because you can’t control your stupid fucking emotions. You’re gonna be tossed away. No, that’s not true. He didn’t mean it like that.
Sure. You keep telling yourself that. He’s mad at you. Can’t you see that? What was it? What made him mad? Which moment exactly? When did his gaze turn so cold? What do we do? How do we fix this? How do we make him happy? Quick. Quick! He’s going to leave us, quick. Do something! Do something!
The throbbing pain equaled that of someone hitting him in the head with a jackhammer. Constant, persistent pain. He plays with the bill of his hat, bringing it down so that it overshadows his eyes. Huh? Why is the world spinning? Why can’t I breathe? Huh? Run-
“-mura!”
“SAWAMURA!”
Sawamura snaps his head up to Miyuki, eyes glossy and lips trembling. He bites down again, holding back his tears with all his willpower but gravity betrays him and they topple over. People stare in confusion as Kuramochi jogs up to the mound.
“Miyuki! What the hell did you say?” Kuramochi snaps, shoving Miyuki away from Sawamura.
“I- I didn’t even say anything bad!” Miyuki panicked when he saw the tears. Seriously though, what he said wasn’t that bad… right?
“Sawamura!” Now he faces Coach who was acting as the umpire. “Get off the mound and take a break. Furuya! You’re up.”
No no no no no- ! This is just like back then, at the Yakushi practice match! Don’t get off the mound! Get off the mound? Huh? Didn’t he sound angrier than usual? Was it that bad? Don’t get off the mound. Stand your ground, damnit. You’re supposed to be the ace! At this rate, Furuya will get the number back and you’ll return to being the relief! Stop it. Stop crying!
They don’t need us anymore.
Ah. Sawamura went to take a step before black envelops his vision. The last thing he remembers is falling onto Kuramochi and worried voices shouting from all around him. The voices were eventually drowned out with a ringing in his ear.
Goddamnit. I should’ve ran.