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The treehouse was dustier than Dorcas thought it would be. In all fairness, nobody had used it in years, and maybe she should have been grateful that the rope ladder didn’t break on the way up instead of judging the interior. Still, she couldn’t help but cough as dust flew around inside. Next time she’d have to bring a duster with her along with her blanket and pillows.
It was smaller than she remembered too, which probably could be explained by the fact that she’d grown nearly 10 centimetres in the past few years. The wooden slat walls surrounded her tightly, and she sat curled up in a corner, knees pulled up to her chest and her blanket wrapped around her. Dorcas was whatever the opposite of a claustrophobe is -- claustrophile? Whether or not that was a real term, she liked the comfort of small spaces.
Dorcas knew that a Monday night wasn't the best time to be doing this. It was dark outside already and she wasn't nearly prepared enough to spend the night out here; besides, she’d promised her mom she’d be back inside in an hour.
The reason Dorcas was back here after all these years was quite complicated, frankly, and she wasn’t even sure if she could explain it to herself. Flashes of various memories made their way to the front of her brain, trying to vie for a role in the story, and she knew there must be more lost to the unreliability of childhood memory.
But everything came back to Marlene. And the stupid treehouse. It always did.
-----
Marlene came out the first time when she was 11, both her and Dorcas young and naive.
They were sitting in the treehouse, summer night blissfully rain free. Their parents had let them have a sleepover before the school year started, although Dorcas’ parents didn’t seem too pleased with her having a boy as her best friend. She had never really understood that.
Both of them were still small enough for the treehouse to comfortably fit them with room to spare. Dorcas was sitting in the same corner she was now, and Marlene was across from her, their legs slightly bumping up against each other.
“Dorcas?” Marlene -- well, Dorcas didn’t know she was Marlene yet -- had asked, breaching the night air with a name that had never been spoken so timidly.
“What’s up?”
“What’s it like being a girl?”
Dorcas was surprised at that. She’d never given it much thought, really. It was just what everyone told her she was, and it was fine, really. “I mean, nothing special. Like, all the boys talk about you weird, and sometimes people make you wear dresses even if you don’t want to.”
Even in the small amount of moonlight that managed to creep in between the wood slats of the treehouse, Dorcas could tell that Marlene wasn’t satisfied by that answer.
“Oh,” Marlene said with a small sigh, disappointment managing to emanate from her tone despite only speaking two letters.
“What’s it like being a boy?” Dorcas asked; it was only fair to return the question. But once again, she could tell she’d said the wrong thing again; she could sense Marlene tensing across from her.
“I don’t know.”
Dorcas was properly confused now, but she didn’t say anything. The air between them felt almost sacred, and she didn’t want to disturb it by saying something bad again. “What if I don’t want to be a boy?” Marlene continued.
“What d'you mean?”
“Like… I don’t think I’m a boy. I think I’m a girl.”
Oh. Everything began to click into place for Dorcas, slowly. She’d heard about people who were another gender than what people thought they were when they were born. Transgender, was that the word?
“Cool,” Dorcas said, because she didn’t really know what else to say just yet. “Does that mean you’re transgender?”
She grinned as she realized she’d finally said the right thing. Marlene’s body language shifted completely, instantly becoming more relaxed. If Dorcas squinted, she could even make out a slight smile.
“Yeah! You know what that is?”
“A little. I mean, not very much. Sorry.”
“That’s okay. I know I don’t look like a girl, but I want to. If my parents will let me, I wanna grow out my hair! And buy girl clothes!”
Dorcas smiled at her friend’s excitement. “Do you want a new name too?”
“Yeah, but I haven’t found a good one yet, though.” She paused for a moment. “Could you help me pick one?”
Dorcas considered it for a moment. A new name seemed like a big deal, and she didn’t know if she was necessarily qualified for the job. “That seems rather important, though. Are you sure you want my help?”
“Of course I do! So, I was thinking something that started with an M…”
After much deliberation and a few false starts -- after a week of Mary, they’d met another girl at school with that name, and she wasn’t attached enough to it to keep it, and Megan and Maya only lasted a few hours before being binned -- she finally landed on Marlene. It was unique, and sounded nice, and Dorcas had helped pick it out. What better name could there be?
-----
Marlene came out for the second time when she was 14. By then, she’d gotten the long hair and “girl clothes” that she desired, and had moved to a new school along with Dorcas where nobody knew her as anything other than a girl. Dorcas was glad everyone was so nice to Marlene. She’d learned some about trans people after Marlene came out, at least enough to know that there were some arseholes out there (even if her mum would scold her for using that word).
They were in the treehouse again, to nobody’s surprise. The building was certainly a little worse for wear now, and it was more difficult for both of them to have enough room, especially since they had to avoid the corner with spiderwebs. Normally, they’d just cuddle together, but today Marlene resisted the touch, which made Dorcas anxious. Had she done something wrong? Maybe Marlene was feeling bad about her body again. No matter how many times Dorcas told her that she was beautiful, it could be difficult for her to believe it.
“Come here and cuddle, Marls,” Dorcas pleaded half-jokingly. One of the best things about Marlene’s name was the opportunity for nicknames, which she took full advantage of. Of course, she’d helped choose the name, so maybe she was a bit biased.
Marlene gave a drained smile, which Dorcas could see clearly in the afternoon sun. It was a little odd being in the treehouse so early, but they hadn’t been in there for a few months, and when Marlene asked to visit after school, who was Dorcas to say no?
“I’m good, thanks.”
Dorcas frowned, but she let it go, happy to let the conversation drift into lighthearted school stories and other random anecdotes. School had been hard for both of them recently, as their teachers became more focused on grades and the topics became harder. Dorcas had always enjoyed school, but the amount of work could be overwhelming sometimes, not to mention the student body.
The other students confused her, sometimes. All the girls wanted to do was talk about boys all the time. She was glad Marlene wasn’t like that. There were so many other things to talk about instead, really, she didn’t know what all the fuss was about.
Sometimes, though she’d never tell anyone this, she worried that she’d never had a crush on a boy before. That was what was supposed to happen, right?
Pulling herself out of her thoughts, she realized she’d been staring at Marlene’s face for a while now, not making eye contact, just admiring. Well, not admiring, more like examining. Since it was still daylight out she could see everything well, and so she just was taking the opportunity, sue her.
Marlene had pale skin (although it was currently sunburnt) and long wavy blond hair that she’d spent years growing out to reach nearly all the way down her back. Dorcas, on the other hand, had dark skin and dark hair cut close to her head -- her mum had cut it for her recently. Dorcas was the shorter one of the two much to her chagrin, but as long as she wore her platform boots she could negate the height difference, and she did so so frequently that very few people actually knew that she was shorter. However, her favorite feature on both of them was their eyes. They had the same color, a dark brown with flecks of a lighter hazel, and Dorcas loved it. It felt like they were permanently matching clothes, but just.. eye color instead.
“Dorcas?” Marlene said, in an oddly familiar timid tone. Dorcas couldn’t put her finger on exactly what she was remembering, but the air around them immediately shifted into something more serious.
“Yeah?”
“Ha, um. Last time I asked you a question first, but I’m not gonna stall this time. Okay, well, I guess this is stalling.”
“What you you mean last--”
“I’m a lesbian,” Marlene rushed out in one breath, accidentally interrupting Dorcas.
“Oh?” Dorcas wanted to congratulate her, tell her she supported her, because obviously she did, but the only thing she could think right then was how did you know because I think I might be a lesbian too.
Marlene looked down at the floor, fidgeting with her hands anxiously. “Sorry if I made everything weird. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, um, cause I like girls and you’re a girl.”
Dorcas shook her head quickly. “No, no! That’s awesome, Marlene, I’m glad you told me.”
“Oh, good. I was really worried. In case you couldn’t tell.” She let out an awkward chuckle.
Dorcas’ question only grew more pressing, and at this point it was barely even at the tip of her tongue anymore, it was nearly falling off of it.
How did you know how did you know how did you know.
She stalled. “Is that why you didn’t want to cuddle earlier?”
Marlene looked up at her sheepishly. “Yeah.”
“Get over here!” Dorcas exclaimed, reaching an arm out and pulling her close. Marlene rested her head on her shoulder, and everything felt right again. Well. Almost everything.
How did you know how did you know how did you know.
“I can feel you overthinking something, Dorcas. Come on, spill. It can’t be anything more personal than what I just said,” Marlene said with a laugh.
“It’s actually about what you just said,” Dorcas whispered. She wasn’t sure why she was whispering. Marlene nudged her gently, urging her to elaborate.
“How did you know? That, uh, that you were a lesbian,” Dorcas continued, even more quietly, like if she said it too loudly it the wind would catch onto the words and carry them outside for everyone else to know.
Dorcas could feel her grinning, cheek shifting slightly on her shoulder. “Asking for a friend?” Marlene said cheekily. Leave it to Marlene to manage to lighten the atmosphere with a single joke.
“Piss off, Marls. Seriously, how did you know?”
“Tell me about all the boys you’ve liked.” Dorcas could feel Marlene giggling quietly next to her, and she shook her head fondly. But still. She needed an answer.
“That’s not answering my question.”
“I’m being serious! I’d never had a crush on a boy before, and I had a crush on… uh, I realized I would want a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. And so I thought about it for a while, and then I just kinda knew.”
“Okay.” Dorcas didn’t know what to say to that. It sounded like her, but Marlene was so certain, and she was still so confused.
“What kind of okay is that?”
“A good one? I don’t know.”
“I mean, I don’t want to overstep, but I’ve never heard you talk about boys… like that, at least. So maybe just think about it for a little bit?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll do that. I really love you Marlene, you know that right?”
Marlene lifted her head off of her shoulder so that they could make eye contact, and there was something off in her expression that Dorcas couldn’t quite figure out. It was like Marlene was looking through her, and not at her. “Love you more,” she said with a far away smile, pulling Dorcas into a hug.
Dorcas hugged back, and everything about it was so warm and comforting. She didn’t think she’d ever find another person like Marlene.
-----
The blanket she had wrapped around herself now was a feeble imitation of a hug from Marlene, but it did provide warmth, which god knew she needed on a late autumn night in England.
Being back in the treehouse was odd. Everything had happened in the treehouse, and nothing seemed to leave it. Even years later, Dorcas could still recall memories from here like it was yesterday. Maybe it was a curse, to not move on from the past. Maybe it was a blessing, to be able to hold these memories close to her heart.
It didn’t take very long after that conversation for Dorcas to come out as well. It was scary, certainly, but she had always had Marlene right by her side. They were always inseparable, ever since they were little kids, and deep down both of them know nothing could tear them apart. Until death do us part, and all that. Maybe it was a curse, to only be close to a single person. Maybe it was a blessing, when that person was Marlene.
It did take a while for Dorcas to realize she was in love with Marlene. Marlene knew before her, and knew that she was in love right back. Marlene seemed to know everything before she did. Maybe it was a curse, to not know yourself. Maybe it was a blessing, to be able to figure it out by your best friend’s side.
Before Dorcas even knew what she was doing, she picked up her phone from beside her and started blindly typing out the 11 digits she’d memorized years prior. It was silly, now, since with a smartphone she could just click on contact information, but when she was younger she’d have to dial it on the home phone, sitting in the hall waiting for Marlene to pick up on the other end of the line. It was nice to keep a routine like that, especially since everything else around her seemed to keep changing and pushing her into a stormy ocean of unknowns. Typing in the number like she used to all those years ago was safe and comfortable, and it kept her securely on the shore, feet dug resolutely in the sand.
The phone stopped ringing. Marlene had picked up.
“Hello?” Marlene’s voice was tired and crackly over the phone -- Dorcas must not get great service in the backyard.
“Hi,” Dorcas said, voice still somehow managing to crack despite the brevity of her greeting.
“What’s wrong, babe?”
Babe. That was something else new, and it would never not catch Dorcas off guard, even after nearly six months of dating.
“Uh, nothing. It’s dumb.” She cradled her head in her hands. She should’ve thought this out before calling so impulsively.
“Dorcas, don’t bullshit me. I’m always here to help you, you know that. I can’t make you tell me, but I think I know you well enough to know that you called me for a reason.” It was a tad harsh, maybe, but it was what Dorcas needed to give in and ask for the help she needed, and Marlene knew that. She knew everything, and sometimes it was hard to not resent her slightly for that. Dorcas wanted to know something for once.
“You’re right, it’s just… I don’t know how to phrase it well. It’s gonna sound dumb.”
“Then sound dumb.”
“Ugh, okay.” She took a shaky inhale that could certainly be heard on the other end of the line. High tide was inevitable. Salty waves crashed over her, and she gave in. “What’s it like being a girl?”
There was silence, if only for a moment. Then, “oh. Oh. I think I know what’s going on.” Of course she did. “I’m on my way over, are you at home?”
“Yeah. Uh, I’m in the treehouse.” It was too hard to deny the help when she could hardly catch a breath, unforgiving ocean tide pulling her to and fro. The small size of the treehouse wasn’t starting to feel as welcome anymore, instead trapping her in a panic of her own making.
She really should’ve just put this off again, like she had last night. And the night before, and the night before...
“Alright, I’ll be there in a few. I love you no matter what, you know?”
“Love you too,” Dorcas sniffled. It was pitiful that she was crying already, but the tears running down her face didn't care about her dignity.
She pressed end call, and her phone screen shut off, leaving her in near complete darkness.
Waiting for Marlene turned out to be some of the longest minutes of her life, so she tried to find something, anything to distract her. She stuck her head out of the only window in the treehouse for some fresh air. A sliver of the road was visible in between her house and the neighbor’s, and she watched the cars pass, headlights suddenly lighting the road before leaving it in darkness just as quickly. None of the drivers knew who she was, none of them were aware of a teenager watching them pass by.
It was nice, Dorcas thought, to not be known by others. For a moment, she let thoughts of not knowing herself pass by just like the cars did. For a moment, the waves calmed, and she scrambled to climb up on a sea soaked rock, coughing up saltwater in relief. A temporary respite.
The real storm was yet to come, she knew.
“Honey, I’m home!” came Marlene’s muted voice from the front yard, voice exaggerated. In spite of everything, Dorcas found herself giggling.
Marlene reached the base of the treehouse quickly, and took the first step on the ladder before pausing, glancing up at Dorcas. “This does not feel stable at all, are you joking? How the hell did you get up here without dying?”
“I just climbed up it like always? If it breaks I’ll get my mum to bake your favorite biscuits to bring you while you’re in the hospital.”
“Deal,” Marlene said concerningly quickly.
To Dorcas’ credit, the ladder didn’t break. It only made a few concerning noises. And there was definitely a loose step. But they were both fine, weren’t they?
“Forgot how small this place was,” Marlene commented as she sat down, having to bend over slightly to avoid hitting her head on the roof. “Share some blanket, yeah?”
Dorcas did so with a soft smile, lifting the blanket over the both of them and cuddling into Marlene’s side before tensing slightly. What if Marlene wouldn’t want to be with her after this? It was safer to stay far away, or as far away as she could in the small space they were in.
The waves threatened to knock her off of her rock once more. Maybe this had all been a mistake, and she shouldn’t have let herself think about this.
Seemingly sensing this discomfort, Marlene wrapped an arm around Dorcas’ back and only pulled her in tighter. “Don’t you go running away,” she said lightly.
“I wasn’t going to,” Dorcas defended, but they both knew it was a lie.
“So, to answer your question.” Dorcas’ eyebrows knitted together for a moment before remembering what she’d asked over the phone. “I like being a girl. It feels good to me, to have people perceive me that way.”
Dorcas knew what Marlene was getting at by saying this, but she couldn’t let herself give in that quickly. “Okay?”
“Does it feel that way to you?”
“No,” she admitted quietly. Okay, maybe she could give in that easily. Her hands slipped off the rock, and she was plunged into the waves once more.
“What does it feel like, then?” Marlene asked, rubbing her back gently.
“Like, like nothing. It’s what people tell me I am, and I never thought it was awful or anything, but I’m a bad girl. Wait, wait!” she said, laughing so hard she started coughing, and Marlene joined in. “I’m bad at being a girl, you know what I mean.”
“So…” Marlene coaxed.
“I don’t know! That’s why I’ve been sitting up here crying my eyes out, because I can’t figure anything out. God, you know everything there is to know, and I know nothing and it sucks.”
“Woah, woah.” If there had been any light, Dorcas knew she would be able to see Marlene with her eyebrows raised and lips slightly parted in consideration at what to say next. “Uh, you know what non-binary people are, right?”
“Yeah, of course I do.” Oh, wait. Yeah. “Hold on, oh my god. I never… I mean, like… wait.”
“Yeah?” Marlene asked with a pleased lilt in her voice.
The second Dorcas really stopped and processed it all though, she immediately backtracked, fighting the waves so desperately trying to bring her under. “I mean. Can’t I just try and ignore this like I’ve been doing and it’ll go away? And anyway, I would’ve known I was non-binary if I actually was, and I’m just overthinking this. Right?”
Marlene was quiet.
“Right, Marls?” Dorcas asked desperately.
“Dorcas, look at me.” Marlene gently placed her hands on either side of Dorcas’ face, turning it to face her. She brushed the tear tracks away, and Dorcas nearly started another bout of crying from the small act of intimacy. “Stuff like that? It doesn’t go away, believe me. If you really think that you’re a girl, then that’s great too! But don’t stop yourself from being who you actually are because it’s too scary.”
“When did you become some sort of motivational speaker, huh?”
“Stop trying to deflect, dummy,” Marlene scolded, but Dorcas knew she wasn’t really mad.
“You caught me,” Dorcas said with a sigh.
There was silence for a minute while Dorcas tried to formulate her next question. It took a while to build up to actually saying it out loud; she didn’t know what she’d do if Marlene said no.
“Could you still love me even if I was non-binary?”
“Of course I could,” Marlene reassured without a second’s pause. “Lesbians can like non-binary people too, you know. Dorcas, I don’t think there’s a world out there where I don’t love you.”
At that, Dorcas let out some genuine sobs, and she buried her face in Marlene’s chest in a concoction of embarrassment at her current state, and overwhelming love.
“Love you too,” she mumbled into Marlene’s shirt.
“You don’t have to know this right away, or even anytime soon, but do you have other pronouns you like? I don’t want to accidentally use ones you don’t like.”
“Uh, I haven’t really thought about it really. I mean, she/her isn’t bad or anything? As long as the people using those know I’m not a girl.”
“Listen to yourself, oh my god!” Marlene said excitedly. At Dorcas’ evident confusion, she clarified, “you just said that you weren’t a girl!”
“Wait, I did?”
“You didn’t even notice?”
“Marls, I’m so tired, you have no idea. But yeah, I’m not a girl! Go me!” Dorcas giggled slightly, their face still pressed against Marlene’s chest.
Wait. Their?
“Um, I might like they/them, too?”
“Want me to try it out? I have so many sappy sentences lined up, you’re not gonna be able to handle it.”
“Sure, go for it.”
Marlene took a deep breath in, as if she was preparing for some big speech. Dorcas didn’t know exactly what was coming, but she (they?) knew it would likely be enough to put her (them?) in tears again. Happy tears, of course.
“My partner Dorcas is my favorite person ever. I can’t wait for the next time their mom bakes us biscuits, because even though they act like I’m the one obsessed with the biscuits I know that they like them more than me.”
“You just risked your life for those biscuits not even an hour ago, don’t kid yourself,” Dorcas said, but they were blushing furiously.
“Whatever you want to believe, love. Anyway, next sentence. When Dorcas took me on our first date, they drove us to the wrong location, and we ended up in the middle of nowhere, so they tried to act like it was intentional and they took me on a hike in a random forest. Okay, seriously though, I still can’t believe you were so nervous that you actually tried to play that off.”
“Shut up, you like hiking.”
“I’d like anything if I could do it with you,” Marlene said easily, like it was the simplest truth in the world. Dorcas would never understand how she’d been lucky enough to have Marlene in her life. “You’re gonna think I’m joking, but I can seriously feel you blushing. The heat has transferred through my shirt. Hah! I just felt it get even warmer.”
Dorcas wanted to come up with another witty comeback to that, but they knew Marlene was definitely telling the truth, so they stayed silent.
“Want another sentence, or do you think you know if you like them or not?”
“Um, I’d love another sentence because I want to hear how in love with me you are again, but I definitely like they/them. I dunno, it just feels really comfortable.”
“I’m really glad Dorcas knows what pronouns they like, because it makes me happy to see them happy and comfortable with themself. I love them so much that I’d walk half a mile in the middle of the night just to be there with them.”
“Yup, definitely making me cry,” Dorcas said wetly, their tears staining Marlene’s shirt.
Marlene bent her head down, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of Dorcas’ head. “Love you,” she whispered, as if she hadn’t just said it a dozen times in the past few minutes.
“Love you more,” Dorcas whispered back.
“So, just to clarify. You like she/her and they/them?” Marlene asked, kissing Dorcas’ head again.
“Yeah, but could you maybe use they/them more often, just for a while? I’ve got 17 years of only she/her that I need to balance out,” they joked.
“Lovely! You know, this was easier than I thought it would be.”
“Yeah, I guess it was. I thought this was gonna be, like, some awful revelation where I just had to be stuck as a girl who hated herself. So, thank you.”
“Anytime, love.”
At some point without realizing, Dorcas had stopped fighting the waves that were so desperately trying to drown them, and simply let themself sink. And to their surprise, they found that it was actually quite easy to breathe underwater. It didn’t much feel like she was in an ocean at all anymore.
They knew themselves now, and if that wasn’t the best feeling in the world, Dorcas didn’t know what was. And maybe there would be more times in the treehouse, where they’d realize that they like different pronouns, or another label, or somehow they’d been lying about loving their mom’s biscuits (highly doubtful, but still). But for now, the waves in the ocean were miraculously still, and she basked in the tranquility.
Marlene pressed yet another kiss into their hair, mumbling something they couldn’t quite make out, and everything felt at peace. They wanted to stay like this forever.
And with Marlene by their side, maybe they could.