Archive of Our Own ^beta

I always considered myself an outcast. No one wanted me. No one liked me. No one cared about me. I was always alone as long as I can remember. It hurt a lot, that no one treated me with care. Hell, no one ever considered me a human. Maybe that's why I don't feel human. I considered myself a nobody. I didn't like myself.

I hated myself.

But I never tried to kill myself, because I believed that even if I'm treated like shit, there must be some reason I was sent in this world. That there might be someone out there, who might care for me. That was all the hope I needed to keep moving on with life.

I was experimented on, in a lab full of scientists I didn't know. As I have been told, they needed a vessel for the servant of Gods, Arahabaki, since he was too powerful to be controlled by anyone. Since I had no one, they chose me to control it and bear the pain of having a goddamn demon inside of me, which could kill me if I gave it even the slightest chance.

I've had multiple nightmares of Arahabaki. He was the demon inside me. He made feel inhuman and a bad person. But because of him, I became 'gifted'. I had the power to control the gravity of anything in front of me, even myself. I felt powerful, but I never used it to hurt anyone innocent.

So I gathered a group of children who needed protection from various groups, since Yokohama was the city of gifted organizations and no one was safe from the hands of the Port Mafia. I thought I was finally needed somewhere. I had friends who were by my side. I thought I found my place. I thought things would stay this way.

Until I met him.

The first time we met, we faced off each other as enemies. I hated the Port Mafia then. I hated everything about it, and I hated that he was a part of it. We were put to work together. I admit, he was excessively annoying, nothing more than a suicidal prick. But the more I got to know him, the more better my view of him became.

Chuuya-kun, I suspect you're not Arahabaki himself, but a vessel chosen to keep Arahabaki under control. But you're strong, not as the Aragami, but as a human being. Whatever may live inside of you, you are already you. Is that not enough? All people, all creatures, live without knowing what they really are.

These were the words of Arthur Rimbaud, and they moved me. After spending all my previous years thinking that I'm nothing, I needed someone to tell me that I am a human being. Being moved by him, I joined the Port Mafia, vowing to find my meaning in life and saving as much lives as I can, no matter what the method was.

For 3 years, I worked beside Dazai. He was always there, no matter what. So what if I was his nemesis, or he was mine? We still cooperated with each other and made a great team. I got closer to him, I understood him more than anyone, and everyday I wished more than the previous day, that he'd be happy one day, and he won't end his life.

I don't want you to die. I had told him, and he promised me he won't. Even to this day, he had kept his promise.

He's not in the mafia anymore, but I understood that his happiness was somewhere else. Meanwhile I had found mine.

Mori-san really looks up to me. He treats my specially and cares alot. Elise is the sweetest girl I've seen. She really loves me and tells me I'm her idol. Kyuusaku's always begging me to play with him, and him and Elise get along well enough to constantly play pranks on me.

Kouyou Ane-san still treats me like a kid. God, if someone gave her adoption papers, she'd fill in my name without a second thought. She understands me alot and somehow she always knows what I'm thinking. She has been a great mentor all these years.

Akutagawa, who use to train under Dazai, now is my apprentice. He treats me with respect and is always good at following commands. I really take pride in him. Even though he doesn't shows it, I know he looks up to me as well.

My friends? Tachihara is a great guy. Even if he's on a lower rank than me, it doesn't matter. He jokes around with me and I always find myself laughing on his stupid jokes. Higuchi treats me with immense respect. She's a good kid who deserves more than the way she's treated. Gin might be a quiet girl, but she's really sweet under that convincingly scary attire she keeps.

Atsushi isn't a part of the mafia. But ever since he has joined the Detective Agency, I've seen him a lot. I've talked to him multiple times, and he's such a pure kid. Even if I'm from the enemy side, he treats me with respect, as if I'm his superior. Him and Akutagawa, both are like my own kids.

And Dazai,

Without him, I wouldn't have found my happiness. I am forever indebted to him for making me feel better. He made me feel human, needed and cared for. I wished he was always here with me. But even if he's so far away, just by thinking of him, he makes me happy. I hate to admit it, but I think I might have fallen in love with that idiot.

The funny thing is, he told me that AFTER he told me he's in love with me.

Standing here, near the bay, thinking about my life. I'm truly happy now. I love myself now. I love the people in my life, and all that they had done for me. I have a reason to smile now.

Chuuya!!! I heard the familiar voice call my name.

Dazai ran to me as he wrapped me in a big hug, and we both tumbled on the ground.

Watch it dumbass. You almost killed me.

I missed you~ (^w^)

Well, I didn't.

Chuuya, you're so mean to me~ :(

I laughed as he got up just a bit, but we were still lying on the ground, and he was on top of me. I caressed his cheek as he continued to talk.

Say, why are you here? I usually come here when I'm thinking about something.

I'm here for the same reason.

Hm? What were you thinking about?

Nothing much.

It didn't look like nothing. You were smiling. Were you, perhaps, thinking about me and my handsome looks~?

No asshole. I was just thinking....about my life.

Your life?

Like the way I'm always praised by everyone, and I'm needed. I'm happy, just, knowing that I'm not alone anymore.

(smiles) That's true.

He joined our foreheads and smiled.

You're not alone Chuuya. You'll never be alone again.

Before I could react, he kissed me. He didn't stop until I had ran out of breath. Too desperate no?

Give me...a break...damnit.

(laughs) I'm sorry Chuuya.

I'm not alone anymore.
As long as I have you by my side, I don't have anything to be afraid of.

Ever.