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Tomorrow is the long-awaited day: our graduation. Fresh from the laundry, and still warm from getting ironed, the clothes I’m supposed to wear are hanging on the cabinet door. A recently bought leather brown topsider is on top of its own box just beside my bed— I don’t even want to think about the ridiculous amount of time I’ve spent deciding what clothes to wear, but here I am. Almost everything is organized, so procrastinating is not an option tomorrow. Going to bed would be a tempting alternative, but instead, I have something else to do.
Something that I need to get out of my mind.
Here I am, on my wooden desk, with an intermediate pad and ballpen in my hand, and my phone on the other side of the pad. Crumpled papers fill the small space, making it difficult to fit anything there. It’s been an hour ever since I started writing this letter. As a pedantic guy, I always avoid having erasures— one mistake, another paper is wasted. I know, environmentalists must hate me already, but forgive me for just wanting this paper to be clean and readable— it will be, after all, the most important paper of my life. Already having an odd penmanship, the last thing I’d want is for him to squint and message me just to ask what the hell am I writing instead of just plainly reading it.
I don’t know what I’m gonna do to myself if I’d end up chickening out.
Despite all of my criticism, I’m starting to like the words I’m writing. Aside from having my unnecessary marks on the paper, cringy and too-cheesy lines are also forbidden. I’m already imagining him shuddering from disgust while reading this, it would be too awful if I’d add stuff like: “ever since I laid my eyes on you…”, “you’re the only person that lights my world…” and as a cherry on top, “I don’t know how my life would be if I didn’t meet you…”. Not that I really put them on the previous ones, but the words that I wrote are bordering on those appalling phrases.
Letting out a yawn, I stretch my arms and legs with a grunt. “What time is it?” I push the button on my phone: 1:30 AM. An exhausting groan escapes my throat while my weary back leans at the backrest of the white monoblock chair. The program will start at ten, and I only have less than seven hours to sleep.
Fucking great, even now I won’t be able to have some beauty rest. I wonder how I’ll look like tomorrow considering how deprived I’m of sleep.
“Okay, Richard. Once you’re done with this letter, you can sleep,” I mutter out loud, not realizing it myself even, “seven hours is much better than your usual two to four hours, so stop complaining.”
After running a hand on my head, I proceed to re-read the things I have written. Warily, my eyes scan on each word, the perfectionist in me keeping on criticizing every single goddamn detail one could imagine— but compared to how things were earlier, it’s much better now. That is my consolation.
With a satisfied nod, I start to write the continuation. Everything’s going well, until I notice a disappearance of ink on one of the letters. I stroke a line on that letter, and the ink fills up its missing line. “Looks like I’ll have to end this as soon as possible,” I tell myself with a shrug.
Staring at the paper, I wonder why I didn’t foresee this. I mean, none of the pens that I bought usually stick with me for more than a month. From what I’ve remembered, I got this pen during the finals week. It’s a true miracle for it to stick with me until now, especially that it’s cheaper than the ones that I always choose.
While I’m pondering, an idea strikes my mind. In a record time, I write the last line, chuckling at my dry wit that activated at this time of need. Finally, a good line that will make this letter less shitty. Along with a closing remark, the letter is finished including my name on it.
“YEAH! FINALLY, IT’S FUCKING DONE!” With a big smile plastered on my face, I pump my fists in the air.
Now that I have accomplished the letter, that sleep would be a possibility. I rip the sheet out of the pad, fold it four times, then leave my seat to walk towards my cabinet. The paper I’m tucking into the pocket of my pants— it’s safe there.
I can’t believe I’m doing this.
Instead of drifting to sleep, I lie in my bed, wide awake despite the unholy time of the day. What is this tickling feeling inside me— nervousness? Excitement? Or just… emptiness? Probably a mixture of all of them, but emotions aren’t that intense as I would have imagined in a situation like this. My gut tells me that the letter will have its effect tomorrow, and I don’t know if it’s something to look forward to.
But one thing’s for sure: I’m gonna give it to him, no matter what happens.
There is no coming back anymore.
When I stand outside the gymnasium, my clothes stick on my already sweaty body. The thick graduation robe doesn't make it any better. I remove my cap for a while and hold on to it as I lean on the bricked pillar. They still haven’t lined us up yet, that’s why everyone is scattered in different places. A heavy feeling in my chest forms whenever the people around me are treasuring every moment on this day. The endless snapping of cameras, big tight hugs, vibrant smiles on their faces, and boisterous laughter— they are certainly not wasting any minute and second.
In my mind, a regret creeps. I always knew before that staying in my comfort zone is never a good idea, but alas, here I am right now. Maybe if I didn’t settle much in my refuge, it won’t be just another long train of years for me.
I sigh, sitting on the concrete ground to shield myself from the sun, thanks to the oddly shaped plant on my side. Once again, I take a deep breath. Nothing interesting seems to happen these past minutes. Almost an hour has passed, and I’m an inch close to going somewhere now. Who cares if I miss the ceremony, anyway?
“I’ll see you later, Schneider! You better come to the bar!”
Schneider?
“Yeah I will!” he laughs deeply.
Oh fuck.
I clutch tightly on my cap, its flat edge settling on the inside of my elbow. My heart suddenly beats faster, my breathing falters and my cheeks heat up— it’s happening again.
Gentle thump of leather shoes draws closer beside me. I recognize those steps, especially the rhythm and the occasional slide of his sole as he comes to a stop. I’m not a freak nor a stalker, I only recognize them because we always pass each other in the hallway. And is it my fault that I’m a bit observant?
Should I give it now? Nah, it’s too early. But he’s already here—
“Can I sit beside you?” I remove my gaze from the ground, momentarily realizing that I’ve been spacing out since I heard his name.
I nod and bite my lower lip, “Sure,” glancing at him in just a millisecond then proceed to fiddle with the cap.
“Thanks.” He settles down to sit on the ground.
I resist the urge to look at his face, or ‘accidentally’ move my upper arm to bump his elbow. Looks like I have to thank the hot climate for serving as the reason for my burning cheeks. I keep on rotating the cap like a steering wheel, probably looking like an idiot right now since I’m the only one in this place who doesn’t have anyone to talk to.
Christoph grunts as he stretches his arms and legs. When he moves, a part of his robe lands on my foot. Of course, I won’t freak out right now. It’s just a piece of cloth. What the hell am I supposed to do with it?
“It sure is scorching today, huh?”
Is he talking to me? “Yeah it is. I’ve been here for almost an hour, that’s why I’m sweating like crazy.” I said, still playing with the cap.
“Wow. I can’t believe you last this long.” Yeah, he’s really talking to me.
I snort. “You should’ve seen the others. They’ve been stuck in the heat longer than me.”
“Yeah.” He chuckles. I can’t believe I made him laugh. “They don’t seem to mind it, though.”
I just smile. I can’t think of anything to answer back. Maybe now is the time? No. Too early.
“So…” I turn to face him, “Are you gonna attend the ball later?”
“Um, I don’t think so…” he keeps on speaking.
He probably thinks that I’m listening to him, but I’m just staring at his striking blue eyes. My eyes roam down on his thin lips. I gulp as I watch them move. He licks them as soon as the moisture dries up, making them dewy and radiant. Good god, why do they have to be so delicate…
“Richard?”
My gaze returns to his eyes. Did I stare at them for too long?
“Are you coming?”
“W-What?”
“I’m asking you if you’re coming to the ball.”
“Um… it depends. But I guess I’ll be staying at Paul’s after the graduation. You?”
He furrows his brows. “No… I already answered that earlier, did I?”
“Oh…”
“Were you listening to me?” he asks, a smile ghosting on his lips.
“Uh, yeah. I-I did listen… to… everything…”
“Really?” he cocks his eyebrows, smirking. “Okay, if that’s what you said.”
I look down on the ground, “Sorry. I was just… thinking about something.”
“Like what?”
My mind is having trouble thinking about excuses, and the thought of confessing to him immediately is barging inside like a beast in a cage. But it’s too early!
“Uh, I was just thinking about how… the time flies, you know? It feels like it’s just yesterday when I joined the yearbook publication,” I let out a shaky laugh.
“Oh!” His face brightens up, “Yeah. You look like a lost sheep when we first assigned you to shoot in an event.” Christoph laughs again.
“Well, to be fair,” I snort. “...it’s my fault that I fell asleep during the meeting.”
“I told Paul to wake you up that time, looks like the asshole had fun watching you drool with your mouth open.”
“What?!” My head shot up to look at him, “So Paul was supposed to wake me up but instead he just lets me sleep the whole meeting?! Wow…” I wipe my face and mumble, “...he really is an asshole.”
Speak of the devil. A blonde man appears in front of our eyes, already wearing the graduation robe while holding the cap in one hand.
“Hey! You didn’t tell me that you’re with Richard!” Christoph stands from his seat and walks towards Paul. They hug each other tightly. I can’t hear them clearly from this distance, but it seems that Christoph is about to leave as he walks toward his peers.
I look back at Paul who is already smiling at me when he approaches. He sits beside me, replacing Christoph in that place. There are no marks of dried sweat or dust on his face and his robe. Looks like the little shit just arrived here when the event is about to start soon.
“Did you already give it to him?” he proceeds to wear his cap, tugging the sides to help it balance.
“No, not yet.” I exhale, my casual exterior finally broke out now that Christoph is far from here. “I’m about to be hysterical right now, in case you haven’t noticed.”
Paul sneers, “Yeah… you’re so nervous that you manage to talk and laugh with him, huh?”
“Shut up!” I huff in annoyance. “It’s just an act for god’s sake.”
“But I’m serious! If you can have a conversation with him like that, then you’ll be able to do it.” Paul grabs my shoulders, forcing me to focus on him. “You better answer my fucking question, Richard.”
“What the hell is it now?”
“What do you think is more difficult and anxious? Talking to him for more than three minutes or telling him that you’re giving him something that would just probably last for less than a minute?”
“I don’t know what’s up with you but you make everything sound so easy.”
“What? You’re just going to give it to him and that’s it. You’re not going to tell him that you like him, that’s why you wrote the letter.”
“But I’m still going to talk to him!”
“You spoke to him earlier, that’s way ahead on your plan!”
“It’s different! He’s the one who started the conversation, not me. And…” I start gnawing my bottom lip, my gaze reverts to the ground again. “I don’t think I can do it.”
Paul removes his grip, crossing his arms on his front. “You know what, you sound more pathetic than last night. Where’s that spark, Richard?! You were so fucking excited gushing to me about it. I’d almost mistake you as a girl if it wasn’t for your name!”
I scowl at him, my thoughts are too busy formulating at least a single sentence to respond to him but it was cut out when our organizer told us to line up on our assigned places.
“I’ll see you later, Richard!” Paul gets up. “You better give that letter to him or I’ll throw your fatass in the dumpster!”
Is it only me, or is the clock ticking quicker after our batch is done lining up on the stage? As Christoph walks up to the stage, I feel myself sweating profusely. Thanks to the aircon in the gymnasium, my clothes wouldn’t be sticking this much on my body. I fucking swear, this amount of sweating is going to be the death of me.
Looks like my gut is telling the truth, after all. I was having fun writing the letter last night, I even reviewed every detail and imperfection that needs to change just to make it look decent. I couldn’t even sleep out of excitement, and now I’m here, almost backing out if it wasn’t for Paul.
Should I do it and risk myself getting embarrassed in front of him? I can just chat with him and tell him how I feel. But every effort that I put in writing the letter will end in vain. I’ll just make myself more disappointed if I do that, even if it will ease my anxiety.
After the summa cum laude finished her speech, we stand up to sing our anthem. As expected, almost every student in this place brightens when the program is about to end. The song is finished, and so the yells and cheers of every student began as we throw our graduation caps in the air. Despite the anxiety of confessing lingers in my mind, a part of me is relieved that my hard work has paid off.
Another stage in our life will start when we step out of the gymnasium. But of course… I can’t go to the next level without finishing this mission first.
I slither my way past the students who are blocking the path. While I search for Paul, I can’t help but feel like I’ve missed a lot in college whenever I see these people in their own groups, going to places they wished to go— to places they’ve planned weeks or days before this event.
When I was young, I always fantasized about having tons of friends in college. Joining many organizations, getting invited to lots of parties, going to different places with my friends— typical things that are usually shown in teenage dramas. I know that I can call myself successful now, but what would my younger self have thought if he would have known what was in store for the older version of him?
Maybe it would have disappointed him to know that the person he thought he was before, was destined to change as he grew up. But maybe I can put a redemption to it when I finally break out of the cage and confess my feelings to Christoph. At least I’ll prove to myself that I’m not as cowardly as I look.
Minutes and seconds have passed, but I still can’t see Paul. My chest starts to pound when the crowd gets thinner and there’s no sign of the blonde man.
Paul, for Christ’s sake don’t you dare leave me hanging here!
At that moment, some students are already removing their graduation robe inside the venue, showing off their semi-casual clothing underneath. Since everyone is busy minding their own business, I took mine off, taking my graduation cap in the process, arranging them carelessly then carry them in my arms.
I huff, dismayed that Paul is just leaving me alone despite knowing my state. “I’m really gonna kill that dimwit when I—”
A finger taps my shoulder, I stop on my steps. “Wow, good thing you showed up!” I remark, turning around I added, “I was planning to—”
Fuck.
“Sorry if it took me a while,” Christoph says, carrying his robe and cap the same way.
I remain standing on the ground, helplessly staring at him. My mouth is agape. I can’t think of anything to say to him. We just look at each other for a while, until he speaks.
“Paul told me that there’s something you want to give to me.”
“Y-Yeah… I was supposed to give it to you earlier but… I was too scared to do it.”
He just blinks, eyebrows frowning as he waits for me.
I raise my hand to rub my nape. My brain is getting fuzzier with each second, and the racing beat of my heart makes it almost impossible for me to hear my surroundings.
For the last time, I exhale deeply into my mouth. The hand on my nape moves down nervously to dig into my pocket. “Read this if you’re just by yourself,” I pull out the letter— my other hand clutching on the robe tightly to compose myself.
“Why?”
“I don’t know, I— it’s too complicated.”
His eyebrow cocks in confusion. “Is there something wrong? You’ve already been acting a bit weird earlier outside the gymnasium.”
“Because it’s something that I kept for four years… and I’m afraid to see how you’ll react.”
Maybe I should tell him now, I might give him a chance to prepare mentally.
My hand is shaking as I lend him the letter. “Everything that— that I want to, uh, tell you is here.”
“Richard, what’s this?” His face softens, yet he remains still.
Does he have a clue what this is about?
I finally take all of my guts to look at him directly in his eyes. This time, I’m determined not to back down.
“I’m- I’m in love with you.”
“Richard…”
“I know it’s strange, but it’s how I feel about you. I’ve been in love with you for f-four years.” My voice is already shaking, but I still continue. “You don’t have to like me back, because I know that it will be impossible. I just want to tell you that I like you, Christoph.”
I take a step closer to him, raising the paper a bit higher. “I know that we will not see each other again when we go back to our own lives, that’s why I want to give you this letter because— because I want you to know how much I love you.”
His mouth is agape. It’s clear enough that he wants to say something, but instead, he takes the paper and puts it in the pocket of his pants. “Wow, I don’t… I don’t know what to tell you. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that this is how you feel about me.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” I shift my weight on my other foot, my hand relaxes on my side. “I hope we’ll see each other again.”
Christoph smiles softly. “Yeah… I’ll be looking forward to seeing you.”
I’ve been yearning to hug him every time I see him. This will be a good time to do it, but do I even want to make him more uncomfortable?
“It’s nice knowing you, Christoph.”
Jason Mraz’s songs play on the stereo while Paul prepares our coffee. We’re at his house, hanging around in their dining area. I know that this is not the ideal way to celebrate our success, but we’re already content with this celebration. Just the two of us again, having each other’s company.
The blonde man came back with two cups of hot coffee. He places the brewed on my placemat, then he returns to his seat.
“So, you finally gave it to him?” He takes a sip of his milk coffee.
“Yeah,” I nod, “And I repeatedly told him that I love him while blabbering random things that I can’t remember now.”
A smug crawls on his face. “Is it just me, or does your ‘verbal’ confession sounds more cheesy than the actual thing that you wrote in the letter?”
“Paul!” I groan. “I don’t want to talk about it, so shut up.”
He cackles, putting the cup down on the mat. “Okay, okay…” he clears his throat, looking at me with a light smile on his face, “But believe me when I told you that I’m proud of you, Reesh. I think that’s the bravest thing that you’ve done in your entire life.”
I purse my lips, looking down at my coffee. “Thanks, I’m about to dive in the dumpster when I couldn’t find you. Even if it’s as awkward as I expect, I still can’t believe that I did it.”
Paul raises his cup towards me, “And that deserves a toast.”
“Pfft.” I stare at him unbelievably, “Are you serious?”
“Of course! Who would’ve thought that a guy like you will gain the balls to confess to his crush?”
Raising a middle finger at him, our ceramic cups clunk as they lightly bump each other. Instead of wishing each other for a better future, our toast serves as my victory for not being a coward. Well, at least it compensates for the disappointment that I felt earlier.