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You lay in your bed, clutching your pillow to your chest, going from numb to finally feeling it all. You feel the sheets under your head get wet, only for you then to realize that you have started crying. You just wish you could sleep forever.
Yet you continue to cry as your thoughts move to think of your funeral. You can practically picture the sad faces surrounding your still body, as if you were watching from above. A choked sob comes out as you imagine how Alma would react. How she would feel with your letter in her hands. Would it be anything like the letter you wrote letting her know you were long gone from the island?
You bury your face into your pillow, letting it all out. You don’t know what you did to deserve this. Living is a weight on your shoulders that you can barely tolerate some days. Yet you still have this incredible family. No matter how hard you try, no matter how tall you seem with that weight, you still feel like a failure. Like nothing you could ever do would ever make up for their kindness.
You hear the door crack open behind you, but don’t move at all. You can hear the signature clicking of heels on your floor, at least until you feel someone sit on the bed next to where you are lying.
“(Y/n)?” she asks quietly.
“Yeah?” you murmur into your pillow. You suddenly feel very small.
You feel a hand find its way to your back, rubbing in small circles.
“What happened?” her voice is full of concern.
“Nothing,” you sniffle, “Nothing happened, I just-” you start to cry again, “I’m sorry.”
You hear her inhale. “Dear, you have nothing to apologize for.”
This makes you cry even harder, causing you to shake underneath her touch, “I- I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to hurt you- I swear, I just- I just can’t do it anymore,” you say incoherently.
You could swear you hear her voice break, “Oh, (y/n).”
You finally sit up to face her, refusing to make eye contact. You can’t look at her. Not after what you’ve just said. One look into your eyes from her and you know that you would shatter.
She puts her hands on the sides of your shoulder and tries to meet your eyes. You look away in shame.
“Can I hug you?” she asks, still trying to reach your eyes. You give in, glancing up and nodding. The moment you look into her eyes, you start sobbing again. She pulls you into her and you settle your face into the crook of her shoulder, gasping into her skin.
You don’t notice Alma stubbornly holding back tears as she holds you.