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Makoto hadn’t spoken to Haru in just over twenty-four hours, and though he kept a calm facade around his friends and classmates during the day, inside he was an emotional wreck. As much as he had tried to tell himself that it was Haru's decision to say what he had said and run away from him that night, his brain wouldn’t let him relax. If he had just followed him afterwards… If he had chosen his words better… If he had been strong enough to tell him earlier instead of waiting until Haru had forced it out of him… Makoto’s thoughts spun around and around, never giving him a single reprieve from when he walked home in a near-daze after the festival, to when he staggered to school the next morning after getting next to no sleep, to when he finally gave up and went to bed after failing to make any progress on his homework that night.
Unfortunately, even though he was completely exhausted, his sleep still eluded him. He lay on his back, staring up at the last three glow in the dark stars still stuck to his ceiling, trying and failing not to think endlessly about what Haru and Rin were up to in Australia. He still felt guilty for even letting Rin do something so absurd. Yes, Haru was struggling badly and needed all the help he could get from his closest friends, but dragging him on a spontaneous trip to a country where Makoto knew full well he couldn't understand the language was just ridiculous. He sighed, rolling over to face the window. It was because Rin was so confident about the whole thing, really. He seemed to have some kind of plan in mind, and at this point Makoto would agree to anything that would help his best friend. Besides, Rin cared about Haru too much to do something that would hurt him.
Makoto frowned. It was stupid and irrational, and the shame he felt about it reached deep into his core, but he was still jealous of Rin. He really had no right to feel this way. Haru was his own person, and Makoto didn't control him. He was allowed to have a different relationship with each of his close friends. But when Haru was hurt and upset, it had always been Makoto’s job to be there for him. Haru had never directly asked him to, of course, but Makoto had proudly taken it upon himself. Haru had always done the same for him, and it was all Makoto could do to care for his friend in return.
But now, Haru was possibly hurt more deeply than Makoto had ever seen him be since the incident with Rin in middle school, and it was all his fault. He knew moving away from Iwatobi would hurt him, but he also couldn’t give up his newfound dreams. Going to the best school to set up the future that would make him happiest was the right decision. It wasn’t as if he was choosing between Haru and his education. Haru hadn’t chosen a path yet, so there was still a chance he would come to Tokyo too. And even if he moved to the other end of the country, they would figure out some way to keep in touch. It would all be for the best in the end… wouldn’t it? Makoto had tried nearly every day since he had sent his application package to his chosen school to tell himself just that. Some days, it was much easier to believe it than others.
And now instead of Makoto being there for his best friend, it was Rin. He was also Makoto’s good friend, and he enjoyed his presence and trusted him, but… he was taking Makoto’s place. Of course, Makoto would never do something as reckless as jump on a plane to Australia with Haru, but he also couldn’t give him the exhilarating races that Rin could. Their race at prefecturals had proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. He couldn’t be Rin, couldn’t give Haru the things that Rin could, and even though he knew full well that Haru had only ever wanted him to be himself, that still made him jealous, because...
Makoto rolled over again, back onto his back. He had been avoiding the truth, even though it took up a huge amount of the free space in his brain, pushing it away whenever he got too close. But maybe it was time to deal with it, face it head-on. He was jealous, because he wanted to be the one with Haru in Australia right now, because he should be the one to help him, and if Rin could fit into Makoto’s place, then maybe… maybe Haru would rather be with Rin than Makoto. And Makoto couldn’t stand that, because… because…
He was in love with Haru. He had been for years, but he was too cowardly to tell him outright. And it was so incredibly selfish of him, and probably made him a bad person and a worse friend, but he absolutely could not bear the thought of losing him to anyone else.
Makoto nearly fell off the bed when his cell phone began ringing, startling him out of his spiraling thoughts. He scrambled upright, heart pounding, then realized something important as his brain got over the initial shock. Instead of the default ringtone, the phone was playing a series of soft wind chime notes. It was a special ringtone that only one person in his entire contact list had. One person who absolutely never made phone calls if he could at all help it.
He grabbed at the phone desperately, almost dropping it on the floor before getting it open and up to his ear. "Haru?"
Any lingering negativity in his thoughts went out the window immediately when he heard Haru's voice. ".....Makoto," he said, almost too quiet to hear.
Makoto’s heart skipped several beats at the sound of his name. No matter what knots he thought himself into when he was alone, seeing or hearing Haru always flooded him with loving affection. Everything seemed so much simpler when it was just the two of them.
“Are you okay?” he asked, trying to snap himself out of it. Haru never called, which meant this was something important, and Makoto needed to focus on him right now. “Is Rin there?” He wasn’t sure whether to hope the answer to that question was yes or no.
A long silence stretched out before Haru spoke again. “Rin isn’t here,” he said. Another silence. “Makoto, I--”
“Haru, I--”
They both stopped, in sync even over the phone. Makoto wanted to laugh, or maybe to cry. Nothing was different between them, of course it wasn’t. “Go ahead, Haru,” he said, glad his best friend couldn't see the expression on his face right now.
Another moment passed. “I… I’m sorry. Makoto, I said some things… that you didn’t deserve. I just…” He paused, and Makoto heard a frustrated sigh crackle through the phone speaker. His heart clenched; Haru always struggled to put his thoughts into words, and Makoto knew him well enough to imagine how mentally taxing this was for him. Australia certainly wasn’t the furthest from Japan he could have gone, but right now Makoto felt every single mile between them.
“I’m glad you found your dream,” Haru eventually continued. “When you were at the SC, with Hayato and those other kids… you looked happy. I want you to be happy, Makoto. But I… I haven’t been supporting you. I’m sorry.”
Makoto felt his heart crack at the emotions in Haru’s words, that he could still feel acutely even through the phone. He was really glad Haru couldn’t see him right now, because he suddenly felt as if he were about to cry. “Haru… I’m sorry too. I--”
“Wait, Makoto,” Haru interrupted. “There’s something else I wanted to tell you. Do you remember in our first year of middle school, when we went to the SC that night? What you said to me then?”
Makoto felt as if his heart had completely stopped. The last thing he had ever expected to hear was for Haru to bring up his middle school declaration. “Yes,” he whispered, barely daring to breathe. Where was Haru going with this?
The speaker crackled as Haru took in a breath, stopped, and took in another one. Every one of Makoto’s senses was heightened, and it was all he could do not to interrupt Haru while he was working up to something big. He stared at Haru’s name on his phone’s tiny screen, tracing each pixel with his eyes in an attempt to keep himself from thinking too far ahead about what his best friend would say.
“I… I love Makoto too.”
Makoto was sure he was dreaming. It was late, and he must have fallen asleep at some point. There was no way he had heard those words in real life, was there? “H-haru,” he said, and cringed at the obvious tremble in his voice, but he pushed through it in his desperation. “Do you.. Do you really mean…?”
“I mean it,” Haru said, his voice sounding firm, but Makoto could hear the slightest shiver within it. He gripped the phone tightly as Haru continued. “Middle school was a long time ago, but do you… do you still feel the way you did back then?”
“I’ve never stopped feeling that way, Haru,” he said, his attempt to suppress the tears prickling at his eyes failing miserably. He took in a shuddering breath as they began to slide down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, I just… Haru-chan,” he gasped, putting as much emotion as possible into Haru’s name as he could.
“Makoto,” Haru said, the shaking in his voice more apparent.
Another silence fell between them as Makoto struggled to get himself under control, heaving in several breaths past the emotional lump in his throat before his tears slowed. He clutched his phone as if it were a lifeline. His world was always a little duller when Haru wasn’t around, but in a moment like this, it was almost physically painful. “I miss you,” he whispered, not sure if Haru could even hear.
Haru’s small gasp from the other line gave him his answer. “Makoto,” he repeated.
Makoto smiled, even though Haru couldn’t see it. The different ways Haru said his name carried so many heartfelt feelings. “It’s getting really late,” he told him. “Rin has something planned for you two tomorrow, right?”
“Mmm. I think so,” Haru said softly. He already seemed much calmer to Makoto than he had just minutes ago, his voice tinged with exhaustion.
“You should get some sleep, Haru-chan.” He couldn’t resist letting the -chan slip back into his speech with how full of affection his heart was at the moment. “I’m so happy right now, but I want to talk more when you’re back in Japan. Alright?”
“Yeah,” Haru said, then paused. Makoto wondered if he was going to hang up, but then he spoke again, his voice lighter and full of more happiness than Makoto had heard in weeks.
“Thank you.”
Makoto fell asleep minutes after he closed his phone, his heart and mind finally at peace. No matter what happened, no matter what path Haru eventually chose, they would be able to bridge even the vast ocean to find their way back to one another.