Chapter Text
Friday February 22nd
James Jeremy
(5:33 PM)
I've done it. I've bought the T2. Celebratory drinks at mine?
(5:45 PM)
Not too sure celebratory drinks are in order
(5:48 PM)
What? Sim? You were pro Bentley yesterday. Chose a pretty good moment to change ya tune mate
(5:57 PM)
My names not Sim nor have I ever been "pro Bentley"
(5:58 PM)
Oh sorry must be a wrong number
(6:07 PM)
It's ok. I would expect Bentley owners to not be fully functional
(6:11 PM)
Excuse me whats wrong with owning a bentley
(6:16 PM)
Nothing.
(6:16 PM)
If you're a conservative from the 70's
(6:17 PM)
Oh god you're not are you?
(6:22 PM)
No of course not. I'm a journalist
(6:25 PM)
Fascinating.
(6:27 PM)
Ugh my phone is dripping from your sarcasm
(6:33 PM)
You're welcome : >
(6:36 PM)
Um what's : > ??
(6:41 PM)
You're kidding?
(6:42 PM)
It's my smug face
(6:44 PM)
You would have a smug face.
(6:47 PM)
Wait. I don't even know you
(6:52 PM)
You can call me Jez
(6:56 PM)
Right well I don't want to be rude but I probably won't call you that cause I feel our acquaintance should stop here...
(7:04 PM)
Fair enough mysterious man with bad taste in cars. Have a nice life.
(7:07 PM)
Same back to you I guess
Monday February 25th
James Jeremy Richard Andy
(10:11 AM)
What do you think of the Bentley T2?
(10:14 AM)
Uhh cheap yet semi luxurious to give the middle class a shred of self importance?
(10:15 AM)
You're not thinking of buying one are you?
(10:15 AM)
Are you going mad?
(10:17 AM)
Is that why you're not at work?
(10:26 AM)
Tell Andy I'll be there in 10
(10:27 AM)
Clarkson you wanker.
(11: 06 AM)
How's the Bentley holding up?
(11:15 AM)
Ah who is this?
(11:16 AM)
: >
(11:20 AM)
Oh it's you again. The Bentley's brilliant by the way
(11:24 AM)
Sure sure. You can lie to me as much as you like but you can't lie to yourself forever.
(11:28 AM)
I thought you were going to stop txting me.
(11:33 AM)
No you said you were going to stop txting me. I however can do what I like.
(11:38 AM)
Right, well I'm at work
(11:41 AM)
Me too. In a meeting actually. How's the journalism?
(11:49 AM)
Shouldn't you be paying attention then? and the journalism's far from fascinating at the moment.
(11:52 AM)
I nod my head now and again so they think I'm listening
(11:53 AM)
Wouldn't you rather be txting me then?
(11:59 AM)
Believe it or not I don't really like being criticized on my taste in cars
(12:03 PM)
Fair enough. You must get it a lot
(12:07 PM)
Mmm see I'd love to stick around and be insulted some more but some of us have proper work to do
(12:08 PM)
Bye Jez.
(12:10 PM)
Sayonara Bentley man
(12:13 PM)
Quit txting under the table. Wilman has u locked in the death stare.
(12:17 PM)
Not anymore he doesn't. Now he thinks it's you I'm txting : >
(12:21 PM)
Argh full death stare! This is what I get for trying to help you out.
(12:22 PM)
Who is it you're txting by the way?
(12:26 PM)
Some guy. actually not sure what his name is
(12:33 PM)
Yet you have his cell number?
(12:34 PM)
FOR CHRISTS SAKE STOP TXTING UNDER THE TABLE LIKE SCHOOL BOYS AND PAY ATTENTION!
(12:34 PM)
...Talk at lunch
Saturday 2nd March
James Jeremy
(1:03 AM)
Ok listen hhere Jez jezzy jezza. The t2 is a fine piecxe of machinery asnd it might jst be to cool for the likes of your smug bottom to appreciate fully ok. and another thing journalism is a good job. better than sitting in meetings too boring to pay attention to :>>> : > > : > :> whos smug now : >
(1:04 AM)
: > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : > : >
(9:46 AM)
Good night was it?
(10:19 AM)
Not from where I'm standing (lying)
(10:22 AM)
Oh god I'm sorry about the txt!
(10:23 AM)
Well it's true but the delivery could have been a little smoother
(10:28 AM)
No, no it was eloquently put in its own way
(10:33 AM)
I'm sorry I usually don't drunkenly harass strangers... even though you started it
(10:36 AM)
Very mature. besides I'm not a stranger to you. You know my name.
(10:54 AM)
Me merely knowing "Jez" doesn't make us not strangers
(10:59 AM)
What does it make us?
(11:12 AM)
I don't know people that have txted each other a couple of times?
(11:16 AM)
That's not a thing
(11:18 AM)
Well it is now
(11:23 AM)
Is Jez short for Jeremy?
(11:27 AM)
That's not a thing men who have txted each other a couple times should want to know
(11:29 AM)
You are a man aren't you?
(11:31 AM)
I was just curious... and that question seems hypocritical of you given what you just said
(11:34 AM)
Fair play and yes my name is Jeremy
(11:39 AM)
Thought so. You didn't seem like a Jerry
(11:41 AM)
I'm taking that as a compliment
(11:44 AM)
So?
(11:48 AM)
So?
(11:53 AM)
Are you a bloke then?
(11:57 AM)
Yeah as it happens
(12:06 AM)
Fascinating.
(12:09 AM)
...I'm going back to bed
(12:11 AM)
Sweet dreams : >
Monday 4th March
James Jeremy
(9:06 AM)
Bentley Man! If you're parked on reagent st I've just seen you get a hefty fine!
(9:11 AM)
To be fair it's your fault for parking by a fire hydrant
(9:12 AM)
Are all Bentley owners by nature dimwitted?
(9:14 AM)
Um thanks for your er... concern but my T2's safe in my garage. Anyway I might not even live in London.
(9:17 AM)
Not everyone does you know.
(9:22 AM)
Oh yeah
(9:24 AM)
Just assumed your massive car wouldn't fit on country roads.
(9:29 AM)
You're quite right it doesn't.
(9:31 AM)
Txting at work again?
(9:33 AM)
Technically no as I haven't turned up yet...
(9:38 AM)
Oh god I hope you don't do something important that in someway could possibly affect me or my well-being
(9:41 AM)
Unlikely. I work for the BBC
(9:47 AM)
...Please tell me you're not Jeremy Kyle.
(9:50 AM)
I'm insulted you would even think that!!! I'm not that man!!! Plus Jeremy Kyle works for ITV and believe me I would quit before working in the same company as him.
(9:51 AM)
I work in production anyway.
(9:57 AM)
And you get away with turning up late?
(10:03 AM)
I wouldn't call it getting away with it. Just received a mighty death stare from the boss.
(10:06 AM)
You poor thing.
(10:11 AM)
Sounding exactly like someone who hasn't had to face the wrath of the Wilman death stare.
(10:13 AM)
Perhaps if you stopped pissing him off you wouldn't have to?
(10:18 AM)
Nah, besides txting you is a lot more interesting than paying attention in meetings.
(10:22 AM)
Please don't tell me you're txting me during a meeting again.
(10:24 AM)
I won't but I will tell you I'm getting another death stare and let you make of that what you will.
(10:27 AM)
I hope you don't make a show I actually enjoy watching.
(10:33 AM)
How do you feel about gardening?
(10:36 AM)
Ok, I'm safe you're not jeopardizing my TV viewing pleasure. I feel sorry for the gardeners though.
(10:39 AM)
Glad to hear it.
(10:41 AM)
Don't worry about the gardeners I'll make up a competition to win some potting mix or something to keep them happy.
(10:47 AM)
How you manage to retain a state of employment is a loss to me.
(10:54 AM)
Let's just say they need me.
(11:03 AM)
That won't always be the case.
(11:09 AM)
Yeah it will : >
(11:12 AM)
I'm getting back to work. You should too
(11:21 AM)
Have a pleasant day Bentley man.
Wednesday 6th March
James Jeremy
(3:53 PM)
Current affairs, human interest, sport???
(4:07 PM)
Politics?
(4:08 PM)
Celebrity news?!
(4:10 PM)
Please say no to that last one. Even if it's true just spare me the shame.
(4:14 PM)
Afternoon Jez.
(4:15 PM)
...No to all the above.
(4:19 PM)
Ahhh thank god. The Bentley is one thing but a celeb news writer on top of that? I would of had to kill you.
(4:21 PM)
Mmm right well you should know I haven't completely ruled out the possibility of you being a serial killer yet so if you want to keep your cover I'd stop saying things of that nature if I was you.
(4:24 PM)
Thanks for the heads up.
(4:26 PM)
So you must write about something?
(4:34 PM)
Quite right. I work for a magazine.
(4:37 PM)
What sort of magazine?
(4:49 PM)
I'm hesitant to tell you this...
(4:51 PM)
Why?
(4:52 PM)
It's not a porn mag is it????
(4:54 PM)
No of course not!
(4:56 PM)
Oh that's right porn mags don't have much writing anyway
(5:01 PM)
Are you going to tell me who you write for then?
(5:04 PM)
Fine. but you'll ridicule me.
(5:11 PM)
Go on???
(5:19 PM)
I write for a car mag.
(5:31 PM)
What's your name??
(5:39 PM)
...Remember the thing I said about you being a serial killer?
(5:41 PM)
I'm not a serial killer.
(5:43 PM)
Sounds like something a serial killer would say.
(5:44 PM)
I just like cars and read a few car mags now and again.
(5:48 PM)
And you need to know which magazines I write for so I don't inadvertently brainwash you with my articles into liking Bentleys?
(5:51 PM)
Yeah something like that.
(6:04 PM)
Well you're safe I'm actually ah... between jobs at the moment.
(6:07 PM)
Oh sorry to hear that.
(6:11 PM)
???
(6:13 PM)
What?
(6:14 PM)
What? No joke about how the public of Britain unable to sympathize with my love of Bentleys. Nothing?
(6:17 PM)
Well it is a bit of a niche audience
(6:19 PM)
Sorry Bentley man but we can't all be deranged.
(6:23 PM)
There it is.
(6:26 PM)
And it's James.
(6:27 PM)
James May.
(6:31 PM)
Fascinating.
(6:33 PM)
Sod off.
Friday 8th March
Jeremy Andy
(9:05 PM)
Where do I know the name James May?
(9:23 PM)
Bloke from Autocar that got fired for doing that hidden message? He now writes for Carmag I think.
(9:29 PM)
And have I met him?
(9:36 PM)
I'm not your mother Clarkson.
(9:39 PM)
But yeah I think you must have done.
(9:47 PM)
If I find out you've pissed him off and he's now started a public tirade against you I might have to kill you.
(9:51 PM)
Andy calm down no ones pissed off with me
(9:53 PM)
Well everyone's pissed off with me but no one more than normal
(10:09 PM)
That's what I like to hear.
(10:11 PM)
How come you're not at the pub?
(10:14 PM)
Someone made a bet that Hamster couldn't fit into the boot of the mini and he's going through with it.
(10:18 PM)
Got a lot on my plate at the moment.
(10:20 PM)
20 quid he gets in but not out again.
Saturday 9th March
Jeremy Richard
(11:16 AM)
Congrats on winning 20 quid.
(11:32 AM)
Congrats on having to be cut out of a mini
(11:41 AM)
By the way I was meaning to ask how does that feel?
(11:46 AM)
Piss off Clarkson.
(11:53 AM)
Thought as much.
(12:01 PM)
Still don't believe you should win. You weren't even there
(12:06 PM)
Didn't have to be to know that whatever idiotic thing you were planning to do would go wrong.
(12:14 PM)
Oh while we're on the subject of idiotic things they've moved the filming of the compact car challenge up to Friday seeing as we can no longer use the mini...
(12:22 PM)
For once Hammond your idiocy has served for the betterment of the world.
(12:27 PM)
Yeah you're welcome. You still have to turn up to the production meeting on Wednesday though.
(12:31 PM)
...I take that back.
(12:34 PM)
Hey you never told me who that guy was. The one you were txting during last weeks meeting?
(12:42 PM)
And its my job to keep you updated on every aspect of my life?
(12:46 PM)
No... just thought it was strange that's all
(12:51 PM)
It was just a wrong number turned out it was James May.
(12:59 PM)
You think it looks really good yeah? You should try make the bloody thing up it's a real pain in the arse.
(1:04 PM)
Please start making sense Hammond.
(1:11 PM)
May. That's what he wrote with the initials in that edition of Autocar
(1:17 PM)
So you've been txting him?
(1:21 PM)
Yes I have if you insist that it's your business
(1:28 PM)
Sorry. It's just he told me once that he hated you.
(1:33 PM)
You've met him?
(1:41 PM)
Yeah he was at that Car show a couple months back that you refused to come to.
(1:46 PM)
INCOMING CALL: Jezza
'Hi Jeremy'
'I haven't met May'
'So?'
'So how can he hate me?'
'Jeremy this shouldn't come as a surprise to you but people don't need to see your ugly mug in order to hate you. Although, now I think of it James did imply the two of you had met'
'We haven't.'
'I dunno maybe you've forgotten'
'Wait, what do you mean by imply?'
'Uh he said something along the lines of "Glad I don't have to see Clarkson again."'
'Oh that's weird.'
'Yeah it is weird so whys he texting you now then?'
'He doesn't know its me.'
'What?'
'Well he knows its me he just doesn't know that me is Jeremy Clarkson.'
'So you're lying to him?'
'More like withholding the truth with a bit of lying. Yeah basically I'm lying.'
'Um why?'
'At first it was a precaution just in case he was a stalker or some sly bastard from the Daily Mail but then I dunno I just kept it up. Its nice not having to answer for all Jeremy Clarkson's dumb mistakes, you know?'
'Yeah I think I do mate.'
'Yeah alright. Cheers Hammond.'
'See ya Wednesday mate.'
Wednesday 13th March
James Jeremy Richard
(12:29 PM)
In the cafeteria of the BBC Television center. Thought came to me, could I be looking at you right now?
(12:31 PM)
Fat balding man in tweed jacket just checked his phone. Jez? is that you?
(12:43 PM)
It is I! Jezza Tweed Jacketed Fat Balding Man!
(12:49 PM)
Oh god you made me choke on my croissant
(12:50 PM)
Good. You made me spit out my coffee
(12:51 PM)
Whilst in a meeting!!
(12:53 PM)
Serves you right for txting me during a meeting!
(12:58 PM)
Hey! You txted me first!
(1:02 PM)
Oh you're right I did to.
(1:06 PM)
So what brings you to the BBC apart from distracting me from my important work?
(1:08 PM)
Pfft you're one to talk about distracting. I'm here for a meeting too actually with the Producer of Top Gear.
(1:09 PM)
Hoping to get a job?
(1:12 PM)
They're looking for a researcher.
(1:14 PM)
Best of luck.
(1:15 PM)
Oh god the presenters are here too!
(1:17 PM)
Don't worry I hear Hammond's actually half decent.
(1:17 PM)
It's not Hammond I'm worried about. Okay I better stop hiding out in the hall. Bye bye!
(1:18 PM)
Txt me the outcome.
(1:33 PM)
Speak of the devil and he shall appear.
(1:34 PM)
You reckon Andy will hire him?
(1:36 PM)
Maybe. He's a little over qualified.
(1:41 PM)
Didn't have to say that aloud mate. The guys in the room.
(1:42 PM)
If Wilman insists that I'm present for the hiring of researchers then he can have my opinion.
(1:46 PM)
You know the only reason we're here is cause you made the last guy quit with your incessant abuse.
(1:47 PM)
Besides I thought you liked May
(1:52 PM)
I don't know May.
(1:53 PM)
Scared you'll be found out is that it?
(1:54 PM)
I'm telling Wilman to hire him.
(1:59 PM)
I hate you. You know that right?
(7:06 PM)
How'd you go?
(7:23 PM)
Good I think. Wilman seems like a good guy and he didn't think I was too inexperienced to break through into the realm of TV.
(7:27 PM)
Brilliant. When can we expect the good news?
(7:31 PM)
Ah I was given the elusive "soon." Though I'm not quite sure I want the job.
(7:34 PM)
James you realize you've just interviewed for the job?
(7:39 PM)
Yeah I know it's just Clarkson. Seeing him there at the interview made me reconsider if I actually do want to work with him and by the sound of things we'll be working quite closely.
(7:42 PM)
Don't you like Clarkson?
(7:49 PM)
Does anyone?
(7:53 PM)
I mean he was on his phone right through the interview. Most likely tweeting his controversial nonsense.
(7:56 PM)
...I do that
(7:58 PM)
Yeah but that's in meetings you wouldn't do it during somebody else's job interview. It's just rude and disrespectful.
(8:02 PM)
I guess you're right.
(8:05 PM)
Might just have to swallow my pride and take any job I can get. It's slim pickings
(8:09 PM)
Well wherever you decide they'll be lucky to have you.
(8:11 PM)
Your Gardening show don't need a researcher do they?
(8:14 PM)
Afraid not sorry.
(8:21 PM)
That's ok. I know the least bit about Gardening anyway
Sunday 17th March
James Jeremy Richard Andy
(11:06 AM)
INCOMING CALL: Andy
'Hello Andy'
'Hey Jeremy just got off the phone with Richard'
'How is the Hamster?'
'He's good just running past him the poor sod who gets to be you two's new researcher.'
'Right so who've we got?'
'Your verdict outstanding, it looks like James May. You met on Wednesday.'
'Right.'
'So you're fine with him? I'm not having him quitting because of you Jez.'
'No May's fine. Hire him.'
'Alright I'll call him now and let him know'
'Okay'
'Okay Bye'
'Bye'
(11:27 AM)
Hey Jez.
(11:31 AM)
James! Hi
(11:32 AM)
You are presently talking to the newest researcher for the BBC's hit Automotive show: Top Gear!
(11:34 AM)
You got the job!
(11:35 AM)
I did!
(11:37 AM)
What about Clarkson?
(11:41 AM)
I need the money and he's more or less easily ignored (:
(11:47 AM)
I'm glad it all worked out.
(11:53 AM)
Me too, so it looks like we're both working for the BBC now!
(12:02 PM)
That's right, maybe I'll see you round.
(12:09 PM)
Yeah, maybe.
(12:34 PM)
Bye then.
(12:36 PM)
Bye Jez.
(3:33 PM)
So what are you going to do about Mr May?
(3:47 PM)
Nothing. I've stopped txting him and I shall pretend it never happened.
(3:53 PM)
I'm sorry Jez.
(4:14 PM)
Why? He's free to hate me now just like before. Nothings changed.
(4:17 PM)
I dunno you did seem happier when you were txting him. I had never seen you smile in a meeting before.
(4:21 PM)
Granted, the reason you were smiling had nothing to do with the proceedings of the meeting but still a smiles a smile!
(4:34 PM)
What are you on about Hammond I smile all the time.
(4:37 PM)
Just leave it out, okay?
(4:46 PM)
Whatever you say, Clarkson.
Monday 18th March
James Jeremy
(1:01 AM)
What are we doing Jez?
(1:02 AM)
Well dunno about you but I was sleeping
(1:11 AM)
James?
(1:12 AM)
Sorry I just wanted to know why are we two people who occasionally text each other?
(1:13 AM)
You're not drunk again are you?
(1:15 AM)
No not drunk just confused. Like why is it when I get a job you're the only one I want to tell and you are the one I tell before my parents and my mates even and why is it when I'm bored or lonely or when I can't sleep the first thing to do about it, the thing that I know will make me feel better is to text you?
(1:21 AM)
We're just mates May. Mates who have met in an odd way well technically never have met but that's what we are and you should feel that you can talk to your mate anytime you need to cause that's what we're here for.
(1:24 AM)
Simple as that.
(1:41 AM)
Sweet dreams May.