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Everything was pitch black. She tried to look around but her eyes weren’t scanning anything. She couldn’t feel her body physically, it didn’t feel like she was tied to the ground, but she wasn’t floating either. She could hear thousands of voices coming from every angle yet at the same time she couldn’t hear anything. She was like a wandering soul with no destination. Her heart felt so empty and lost. What happened? Where is she?
Is she dead?
Suddenly she could feel a rush of memories flew within her head. There were so many, she didn’t know which one should she grasp. She felt nothing but confusion until she mindlessly hold onto any feelings that were starting to overwhelm her.
And there she was, it felt like she warped to one of her memories. She can feel her physical body, she was wearing a red and white outing though they were covered in dirt. The gentle sound of falling leaves and bamboos brushing onto each other danced in her ears. Birds were chirping left and right, the sky was clear, and the sun was giving a perfect warmth. The air was as light as feathers, it flows like rivers into her lungs. It has been ages since she felt this free, it was nice.
She noticed a small abode resting upon her eyes. Something was telling her to approach it so she obeyed just like any other time. She walked slowly as if she had every time in the world, accompanied by the sound of crackling leaves under her feet. She closed the distance between her and the abode, the door opened itself before she could pull on the handle and revealed two identical figures standing upon her gaze.
“Phoenix, you’re back!” said one of them,
Phoenix? Was that her name? She thought to herself.
“Come in, I can’t wait to hear your tales! We’ve prepared your food on the counter so let’s get you cleaned up first!”
They both welcomed her with open arms and a beaming smile, Phoenix was left speechless as she stood still in her stead. Everything besides them started to blur and the nature’s sounds that once blessed her ears were beginning to fade as if the time was frozen. Her eyes were gleaming with hope, her heart felt full like something was filling a long-lost gap in her heart. Yet, she couldn’t recognize them even after trying to dig under thousand folds of her memories. She could only see their blurry faces, but she knew they were someone precious to Phoenix and Phoenix was precious to them. She wouldn’t dare to move, she was too scared after all.
Scared that the frozen time will melt and let this memory be forgotten just like how it used to.
And so it did.
Her hands slowly turned to dust as she reached the twin, their figures crumbled and fused with the air. She struggled to move as the gravity was pulling on her, she was like a trapped bird trying to fly. She realized she was no longer in the ethereal place.
A new picture stayed still in her vision, the atmosphere felt cold yet her surroundings were engulfed in raging flames. The field was enormous, her eyes couldn’t see anything but black and blood-red in every corner of her eyes. She couldn’t smell anything but burning ashes and the sound of fallen branches. Eerily enough, her body won’t cooperate to even lift an inch of her body, so she had no other option but to wait as fate forcefully pulls her to where it desires. She continued to analyze the endless sky covered in dark clouds until the place felt disturbingly familiar once a hand reached out to her.
“Fu... Hua...”
Another name.
The red-haired woman desperately moved closer with her trembling hand, the still-as-rock Fu Hua remained frozen. She felt like her body was paralyzed, she tried so hard to move but her feet were chained to the ground. She recognized it, her smile, the exact same smile which was plastered onto her face on that unforgettable day. Fu Hua tried to call out to the dying woman but her throat was clogged, she tried to move her hands but they were glued to her sides.
Before she could do anything, a figure of a white-haired man struck the woman from behind. She knew this was coming but her heart still raced and she was suffocating. The solid ground beneath her suddenly turned into liquid forcing her to drown in a pitch black sea. The stroke of light was dimming, nothing to grasp, not a chance to come back. Before she could think of anything a sound of strings ringed in her ears.
“Bronya, Class Monitor!”
Wait, she goes by what now?
There she saw a gray-haired girl that was supposed to be Bronya and herself floating in the air supported by sharp strings that were strapped to their bodies. She remembered now, they were fighting the Herrscher of Domination but she failed and ended up being a burden instead. She knew what was about to happen, the strings were going to snap their bodies in half until blood threatened to spill out from their visible fractures. She clenched her teeth and prepared herself for the unbearable pain once again. She saw a glimpse of a young woman who was fighting for her life before she shut her eyes tight.
Kiana Kaslana.
Oh how Fu Hua ruined her life. How dare she became her friend, how dare she hanged out with them and enjoyed their presence while she was only a spy. Sometimes she would forget about everything and just enjoy her time laughing with the others, Theresa, Himeko, Mei, Bronya. But the thought would strike and remind her of her mission, she was nothing but another chess piece to complete Otto’s plan. She was the reason why all of this happened and she knew it was wrong, yet what did she do? Nothing. She brought her to Otto which lead to another awakening of the Second Herrscher, to Himeko’s death.
Her carelessness was what brought the Herrscher of Sentience eruption. If only she could stand up against Otto that day, maybe things would be different.
Everything was her fault.
She wondered why Kiana managed to save her while she was trying to seal the Herrscher of Sentience even after knowing everything. She accepted her death but if she could ask for one more thing, it would be a fleeting moment to apologize to everyone, to Kiana.
She could feel the strings tightened around her neck as she closed her eyes, everything was pitch black.
She could tell something was pointing its fingers. Fate was mocking her by reliving her past mistakes and made her not able to do anything but watch, watch her own pitiful life. She couldn’t brag about it, she deserved it after all, if not worse. She felt exhausted, her eyes felt weary and she no longer tried to escape.
“...”
“... w ... mer”
Something was calling out to her from a distance, it felt comfortably familiar.
“Wa ... ld ... mer!”
“Wake up, Old Timer!”
The... Herrscher of Sentience? What is she doing here? “This is what happened when you used someone’s power without permission!” She scolded Fu Hua who was laying on the ground. The herrscher waited for a greeting at least, but she gave no answer. The Herrscher continued to end their awkward silence.
“Your power got taken and look at you now! Failed to protect that Kiana girl or something!” The Herrscher scoffed as she crossed her arms, yet the laying Fu Hua wasn’t giving her any response. Is she finally done for?
“Tch, this isn’t new. Failing is your entire story anyway!” She said closer to her ears to make sure she was listening, yet her body didn’t give any sign of life. Her eyes may be opened, but they were nothing but a pair of hollow and empty eyes. She looked soulless as if the herrscher was talking to a corpse.
“...Old Timer?”
The herrscher started to wave her hands right in front of her face. But to her expectations, no response. Her eyes weren’t following it, anyone would assume she’s dead already but the herrscher could still feel her presence. She bent down to match her gaze, a drip of sweat appeared as she began to worry. She waited for a moment thinking she may need some time but it was getting too much it made her lose patience. She gritted her teeth in frustration, “Hey, don’t ignore me!” She flicked her fingers to the other’s forehead forcing her to wake up. The other looked at the herrscher without saying anything, “Knew I had to choose the hard way to get you talking to me!”
...
The room was filled with silence. The herrscher thought that she would finally talk now that she is awake, but to her surprise, she wasn’t. She just kept her gaze towards her, eyes as empty as before. The herrscher scratched her head in frustration. “Gah! Why are you being so difficult!” She waited for a moment and no answer whatsoever. Her screams were echoed back to her telling her she was talking to no one but herself.
“I could see you are still in there, y’know...” The herrscher crossed her leg and started talking to herself knowing she won’t listen,
“Sometimes I pity you though I hate being looked down the most. But having all your past memories engraved to my mind gave me no choice but worry. What could possibly worth all those 50.000 years of misery? What did the world give you that you submitted yourself knowing you won’t get anything in return?”
The herrscher shifted her gaze to the other, wanting to see if she had any expression on her but her cores remain unchanged. She sighed, “That’s why I went on a rampage once the memories became clear, It was too much I couldn’t take it. I’m surprised you didn’t go unhinged, don’t really think any normal person would be sane to bear all this, y’know?”
...
The herrscher decided to keep the silence and let the emptiness engulfed them both,
until a small whisper could be heard.
“...I was scared.”
The herrscher jolted in surprise. She felt chills running down to her spine, but decided to not speak over her and let her continue,
“Scared that I might get lost and be left alone... So I decided to just follow people’s order, played by their rules, became their pawns, anyone, even Otto...”
“I don’t care if they put me to work to death as long as they give me a purpose... I couldn’t decide for myself, every time I do, it always went horrible...”
“I’m nothing but a plague to this world.”
Just a moment ago the herrscher felt relieved but now she’s at loss for words, damn it! There’s a reason why she’s called the Herrscher of Sentience!
She didn’t want to let the other felt neglected so she tried her best to give words of comfort.
“Um, hey... that’s not true...”
She fidgeted, she had no idea what her words could lead to so she just wished for the best. But then the other tilted her head, her hollow eyes were now filled with sorrow. The herrscher couldn’t stand being looked at with an expression like that.
Fu Hua now noticed that she was nothing but a terrible person, a personification of failure. Other than that she was selfish, she made a contract with Otto for her own gain, not caring what he would do to others. Until the Second Herrscher eruption happened. She was completely unaware that Otto would shot her right there precisely at that moment. Fortunately, she managed to activate Fenghuang Down to help the others. It may seem like she was the hero, but the truth is she was just trying to atone. If only she did the right thing all of these wouldn’t happen in the first place. Helping them was what she’s supposed to do. She was no hero, she never was.
Remembering them made her heart aches, she’s sure now that she was nothing but a pain for everyone. It would be better if she just gave up long ago. Fu Hua turned her gaze to the herrscher once again, a grieved look on her face,
“Tell me, something valuable that I succeeded, just one...”
The question startled the herrscher after the long pause, she needs an answer right now it might be her only chance. The herrscher desperately seize any memories she could remember right now without caring about the result, she needs to come up with something right at that moment. She shot up,
“You managed to take down the 12th Herrscher!”
“...I failed to stop the missiles that ended most humanity in that era.”
Damn it! She forgot about that part.
“You managed to establish a school to protect Shenzhou and took care of your disciples!”
“...All seven of them betrayed me and burned the school down to dust. They murdered me.”
Now, now, not the ungrateful brats! Why did she point that memory out of everything?!
“You, um, helped took down Sirin!”
“...I failed, I sacrificed my power for absolute nothing. My most cherished disciple died that day because of me.”
“...”
The herrscher was lost in words, she didn’t know what to say anymore. Every word coming out just made things worse.
“You... managed to live until this day...”
The words surprised Fu Hua, she lets a few seconds before she chuckled, “Both of us wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for Kiana... I was prepared to leave everything behind that day...”
The herrscher couldn’t bear looking at her as she slowly turned her gaze away. She clenched her hand, the herrscher knew everything that Fu Hua said was true, the herrscher was the one who said it right to her face back then. But seeing her talking like that about herself was too painful to see. “You don’t have to force it, it’s okay. We both know it’s true.” Fu Hua’s voice quiet down as she slowly closed her eyes accompanied by a sorrowful smile.
The words shook the herrscher, the gloom now replaced by rage and frustration. She decided she had enough with Fu Hua being all mopey and pathetic like this, where was the energy when she and Kiana took her down? She wanted her to change whether she likes it or not. The herrscher furrowed her brows as she aggressively pulled Fu Hua’s collar to match her gaze, she made sure the other was looking straight into her eyes.
“Yeah! You’re right! The past can never be changed! Your past will forever be a failure! How does it feel to be the world’s No. 1 loser?!”
The herrscher tightened her grip, letting out her anger as she closed her distance, making sure the other is listening.
“The Previous Era is destroyed! The Taixuan school is gone! And your last disciple died! So what, you wanna go back in time? Rebuild your school? Resurrect all of your dead friends?!”
It sure did take a toll on her, each and every word she just said feels like a stab to her heart. It was horribly painful to see Fu Hua’s eyes grew weaker from word to word as if she agreed. For once the herrscher wanted her to say they were all wrong, she wanted Fu Hua to stand up for herself just like how she did back then.
They both fell down to their knees as the herrscher loosened her grip and rested her face to the other’s shoulder,
“Don’t you get it? It was all in the past... You didn’t ask for the world to hate you...”
The herrscher said in a lower tone compared to before with a staggering voice, her hands limped down to the ground. Fu Hua’s heart was finally filled with something, it was regret. She realized, how terrified must’ve the herrscher felt when all the bitter memories were forced down her throat? Even Fu Hua herself couldn’t take it which resulted in her erasing parts of her memories. Compared to her, the herrscher needs help the most. She traveled every part of her long-lost memories, she sees what Fu Hua sees. She saw how her friends died one by one as time flows, she saw how her disciples brutally murdered her, she saw how herrschers took everything from her. Pieces by pieces. She had to swallow it in such a short amount of time, too.
Out of everyone, she understands her the most.
Fu Hua could feel tears dripping down her back as the herrscher clutches her arm. She is suffering too. The herrscher lets out a word with her teary voice before Fu Hua could say anything,
“But everything is different now... I’m here… I promise I’ll be by your side for as long as you’re here...”
Her grip tightened as she mumbled through her clothes, “So please, don’t go...”
Fu Hua could feel the hand that is holding firm to her arm trembling, the herrscher was suffering too so why is she the one that tried to comfort her? Shouldn’t it be the other way around? Why did she desperately asked her to stay? Didn’t she try to get rid of her that day? Fu Hua was confused, too many things were flowing through her mind. She didn’t know what to do.
“I... I’m sorry...”
Fu Hua shut her eyes tight, is she really only capable of saying that after everything the other has said to her? Her body grew cold which made the warm tears on her shoulder more prominent.
“Please forgive me, I deserved each and every bad thing that happened...”
Fu Hua said quietly as her hand reached up gently trying to embrace her into a hug.
“It was my fault in the first place, I was heartless despite being so weak... I deserved to die that day in the hands of my disciples. Fate gave me a second chance but I ruined it...”
“No matter how many times I tried I was bound to repeat the same mistakes.”
Her hand finally embraced her into an awkward hug but the herrscher gave no response. Fu Hua felt guilty all over again, maybe things would be better if she was at least decent at comforting people. She doesn’t know how to deal with emotions, not even her own.
“...I’m an awful person. You saw it yourself, how I forcefully used your power. If only I-”
Suddenly Fu Hua could feel the other started throwing punches at her back. She knew the herrscher is mad at her and she had no choice but to accept it.
“You were! You were cruel, heartless, selfish, inhuman! But you tried to change... I knew that...”
The punches grew weak as she continued with tears kept streaming down her face,
“Besides... a horrible person wouldn’t want to correct themselves, would they?”
...
The room was filled with silence again.
Fu Hua’s throat felt sore, her eyes began to water. She had been waiting so long for someone to acknowledge how heartless of a person Fu Hua was. She had been hiding behind her words by saying to not dwell on the past but she really couldn’t neglect it completely. The frightful thoughts were always there lingering in her mind locked in a small box that she tried so hard to burn, but it always came back. She kept reassuring herself that she had a reason to be heartless. But was she really doing that for everyone’s sake? She tried to be better by forgetting the past and moved on, little did she know what she became is just as bad if not worse. She knew she needs to face her past and learn from it but she was too scared, scared to face herself.
Suddenly Fu Hua felt a hand caressed her back as the herrscher finally reciprocated her hug. The hug felt tender and cozy, it’s been ages since she received one. Fu Hua could feel the other is trembling while trying her best to hug her tightly. Fu Hua’s heart aches, her stone-cold heart felt like it was forced to melt at that second. The outer shell felt cracking as sentiments started to spill out. Her lungs suddenly in desperate for air and her eyes sting. The feeling was new to her, she lets them out by tightening the embrace in hope the feeling would go away. But it didn’t, the tears that were pooling finally came out as it runs down her face, the voice that was locked in her throat finally freed itself. She was nothing but a child expressing her repressed feelings that had been caged since god’s know how long. It felt nice. The herrscher noticed this, she felt relieved. She kept silent as she tightened her hug to assure her that she’s here. The herrscher smiled softly as she closed her eyes ready to embrace any emotions that were breaking out seamlessly.
“Checkmate!”
“Well, secretly eating my chess pieces does count as winning.”
“Eh? You noticed?!”
Fu Hua lets out a hearty laugh as the other grunt in frustration. She didn’t stop the game on purpose because how was the Herrscher supposed to know? Eating chess pieces is a challenge itself. They have been playing and talking for so long, time didn’t really exist there and the other's presence felt fond. Fu Hua patted the other to give her comfort after getting caught, truly she doesn’t mind at all. It’s nice to see her being all cheery and happy, both of them were enjoying this moment to the fullest. “Hmm, fine! I’ll challenge you to an eating contest! This time I'll beat you for sure!” The herrscher said proudly as two bowls of noodles suddenly appeared from her hands, lending one to the other.
“...”
“...This doesn’t have any taste at all...”
“...”
“Well, uh, in my defense I never tried noodles myself...”
“...”
An awkward silence was there for a moment before the both of them burst into peals of laughter with their mouths full of tasteless noodles. They playfully ate them despite how bland it tasted as the room was filled with warmth. Fu Hua described how noodles tasted to the herrscher, her eyes were gleaming like a child when they get told stories. She expressed how the texture felt, how the broth tasted as they get mixed with the spicing, the satisfaction when she gets to eat one after a busy day.
“You will get to taste it yourself one day, I promise...”
Fu Hua said as her words quiet down. The herrscher stayed silent for awhile before she replied,
“...you will be there too, right?”
Her eyes were filled with worries, before Fu Hua could reply with anything, a glimpse of light was breaking their silence. They were the voices of Kiana and Bronya trying to wake her up. The herrscher wanted to reach Fu Hua, begging her to stay. But she knew this moment wouldn’t last forever, all she could do is hope that this wasn’t the last one, does Fu Hua want to stay just like how she wanted? Fu Hua stayed silent as if she was ignoring the voices that were trying to reach her. The herrscher tilted her head as a sign to tell her that it’s time. Fu Hua shut her eyes as the herrscher let out her words,
“You should really get going now, it’s been a while since then.”
“But...”
The herrscher swiftly pulled her to a hug, she was trying her best to hide her sorrow because deep down she didn’t want to let go, not now. The herrscher told her that it’s okay to go, assured her that she will be fine here. Fu Hua returned the embrace once more before the other let go, the herrscher pushed her lightly, “I’ll be okay! I mean, I won't succumb to whatever this place got in store for me! So you can go on ahead.” Fu Hua closed her eyes as she nods half-heartedly.
The herrscher could see her figure grew smaller as she slowly walked away towards the light. She faced the other way, ready for her parting.
Before the herrscher could go back to the dark space, she could hear Fu Hua called out to her.
“Is there any name you would like me to call you?”
The herrscher chuckled at her question, out of everything she was worried about that? To be fair, both of them never really mention any names, maybe Fu Hua was right to worry. The herrscher hasn’t really thought about this, Fu Hua was her name back then. But things changed, she isn’t Fu Hua. She accepted she was being in denial, she felt the world was being unfair how she was born a herrscher. Something, someone, who was destined to lose. But Fu Hua accepted her in the end, so do names really matter? Names are something to define oneself, she needs to come up with something. The herrscher was silent for a quick second,
“Name, huh... That’s a topic for another time. So make sure you come back, okay?
There was a moment where the others didn’t reply. Fu Hua’s face was filled with doubt but she managed to nod, “I will.”
She said as her body dissipated to thin air. And there she goes, the herrscher faced the other way, not wanting to see her go away with her own very eyes. The dark room was empty again. There was nothing but the herrscher who stood alone in a neverending space. She walked aimlessly with no destination, she didn’t want any bad thoughts to disturb her memories from before.
Time goes on, she was getting bored. She wanted to face the other way hoping Fu Hua would magically be there. She rejected that thought before but now she ran out of stuff to
do so she turned and ran all the way to the back, the place where once she was present.
A feather.
A glowing feather was there.
Fu Hua must’ve left that before she went away, hoping it would accompany the other. Spending a long time in an infinite space could really make someone feel alone. The herrscher was surprised and walked towards the bright light,
“Does she really think I’ll be lonely here?” She let out a quiet laugh as she carefully picked it from the ground, holding it close to her heart.
“Thank you.”
It felt warm.