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Firsts.
They are always precious. A new experience, a new memory, a new moment to cherish and to remember. Firsts always leave some sort of impact on you, no matter how big or small. They remain forever ingrained in your thoughts and your life.
Your first breath, your first steps, your first word. As a human, your first is always something fascinating. We cannot forget these firsts nor erase them, even after trying to do so. A simple, small thing can hold such meaning and significance in our large scale existence.
And for some odd reason, we humans put a lot of sentimental value to these firsts. These firsts that could remind you of a certain emotion, of a certain place, of a certain person.
Firsts are new beginnings that open the door to a journey to discover yourself.
What will your firsts be remembered as?
Heeseung quickly gets out of his car, clad in warm clothes due to the wintery air of November. After leaving the door with a loud "shut," he walks while his eyes search for Jay. They scan the area like a hawk, glancing at every corner of the open field.
It was a cloudy day, sky grim with grey and dullness. Heeseung's feet follow the stone path, trying to find his beloved.
Where was he? Heeseung's hand were heavy with a bouquet of baby's breath and roses, and a cubic velvet box. A box he had been waiting to show Jay. He followed the mossy stone path that zig-zagged across the land, autumn leaves crispy under his boots.
Without noticing, he had stumbled upon him and a smile graced Heeseung's lips as he sees his lover. In a swift motion, he kneels down onto the damp ground, not caring about the consequences of wetting his pants. He takes out the velvet box and opens it to reveal the ring, a sleek gold band, a perfect match for Jay.
"Hey, love." Heeseung looks at Jay with so much adoration. The gold seem to sparkle under the November sun as a glowy tint casted around the ring. This was it. The day had finally come. Heeseung had been impatiently waiting for this very moment and his heart can't help but pick up its pace. He looks at the other's face and he is reminded at this very moment of all the firsts, all the new experiences he gained thanks to the boy in front of him.
These firsts that were filled with a certain male who had a knack for expensive tasting food and an allergy to cats. A male that made all of Heeseung's firsts precious.
As Heeseung's eyes bore into Jay's, he's taken back to their first meeting.
Heeseung was 4 and Jay was 3.
Their parents were college best friends and therefore, by the unspoken code of law, their children had to be besties too.
Heeseung's parents came by to have dinner with Jay's. All Heeseung remembered was that he was put into Jay's room and his parents started talking about weird college memories with the younger's. The first time he saw Jay, he was in a little Stitch onesie playing with a bop-it.
Heeseung had always wanted a bop-it but his mother always told him to think of something else to buy because it was too noisy. Envy. Heeseung was filled with envy as he watched the three-year-old have the time of his life with the stupid toy he dreamed of having.
With a pout, the elder sat besides the unsuspecting toddler whose hands were busy pressing the big red button and listening to the robotic voice chanting him instructions.
"Can I play with it?" Heeseung looked at Jay with hopeful eyes, big doe eyes that held envy and want. Jay glanced at the elder. Who was he? How did he come into his room? Jay was scared. Why was there a random kid by his side?
He wails. Tears don't stop trailing down his tiny face, painting his face in fear and shock. Heeseung becomes frantic, hands confused as he tries to calm the younger.
"H--Hey! Don't cry!" Heeseung grabs the bop-it, pressing the buttons, trying to comfort the younger. As the robotic voice sounded around the room, Jay stops crying to look at Heeseung. The older looked back at him and smiled.
"Look, bop-it." Heeseung presses the button once again. The younger's eyes followed his every movement.
And Jay cries. He cries louder this time.
The door swings open to reveal the adults, Jay's mother coming down to scoop her son into her warm arms, patting his back, trying to soothe his sobs. On the other hand, Heeseung's mother comes by him, kneeling down to grab his arms.
"Hee, what did you do?" Heeseung pouted. He did nothing wrong! Jay was just a cry baby. He was three for Pete's sake! He was a big boy, why was he crying so much?
"Nothing! He just started crying out of nowhere. He's weird!" Heeseung hugged his mother, borrowing his face in her shoulders as she laughed out loud.
"Jia, he called your kid weird hahaha!" Jay's mom just shoots Heeseung's mother a playful glare while both fathers just giggled on the sidelines.
Heeseung lets go of her and crosses his arms. He was older, he was supposed to much wiser. Heck, he was four now! He needed to be the bigger person. As Jay's mom puts down her son, Heeseung comes forward and bows in a right angle to the younger whose eyes were tinged red and cheeks wet with tears.
"I am sorry. Please don't cry." He hears 'awws' around the room and as he was about to lift his head, he feels a hand touching his head of hair. His eyes dart upwards to see the culprit. It was Jay and the younger was petting his head.
"It's okay, Hyung." Jay smiled and Heeseung finds it cute, his crooked grin. This kid was cuter than he thought, especially when he was smiling.
"My name is Heeseung. What is yours?" Heeseung grabs Jay's hand for a handshake, shaking it gently in fear that he would injure him.
"I'm Jay." They both giggled. The parents watched the scene unfold with loving eyes, finding the situation adorable.
"Oh My God Jia, Jay's so cute! He's to die for!" Heeseung's mother slapped Jia's arm, she couldn't handle it.
"Don't die! Not yet!" Jay flails his hands around, in a pout, fingers waving a no-no in her direction.
The room is filled with laughter at the toddler's innocent concern, even Heeseung --who understood the expression-- can't help but find the younger adorable. It would be fun to be friends with him, taking care of him and all. Seeing Jay smile today made Heeseung want to protect it until the day the world ends.
Time flew after that. Who would've thought the boy that cried over a bop-it would be asking Heeseung out on a date?
"You want to go on a date...with me?" Jay nods frantically and it was so cute. Heeseung could see how nervous Jay was. He found it hilarious how a 17 year-old could be so shy, especially around him. Heeseung and Jay had been friends for around fourteen years now, what was there to be nervous about? Heeseung smiles as he sees Jay play with his fingers, head down as he awaits the older's response.
"Jay." As he name was called out, he lifted up his head in lightning speed, biting on his lips, eyes in distress. Heeseung grabs the younger and ruffles his dark, ebony hair.
"Of course, I'd go. You know I like you too right?" Jay turns bright red, shoving his face into the palm of his hands, trying to cool off the heat creeping up on his cheeks. "I know...Hyung always teases me."
Heeseung laughs because it was the truth. Heeseung had always liked the younger and ever since puberty hit around a few years back, a surge of confidence bloomed in the older. He started flirting with Jay, making comments, calling him pretty and kissing his nose every now and then. They even held hands a lot, many classmates calling them a couple to which Jay kept denying while Heeseung just smirked. He liked it, being called a couple.
Never would he have thought Jay would be the first to confess between the two of them.
Jay was Heeseung's first date and Heeseung was Jay's. They went for a picnic then a movie. Jay had prepared food and packed them in lunch boxes, wrapped Heeseung's one in his favorite color which, to Heeseung, was extremely endearing. They sat by the Han river, while they watched the clouds trying to guess the name of their shapes, watched people trying to guess how much their entire outfits costed. Heeseung watched Jay gobbled down a whole roll of gimbap, nearly choking on it. The sight was so pretty, Jay with the greenery surrounding the river. Talks of trivial things turned into talks about the future, about themselves, about their dreams.
"Hey Hyung, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Jay wiped the rice on his outer lip as Heeseung took a sip of his watered-down ice tea.
"You answer first, what do you want to be?" Jay shoots him a disappointed look but then starts pondering, looking up into the sky that bluer than yesterday's one.
"I want to be a designer since you know, I really like fashion." Heeseung smiles as he sees the other grin. He looks up to the sky. The clouds were so white, so full today, seemingly attached to one another, as if they would never let each other go. The clouds floated across the vastness, together not until one started to drift away. It went further in the other direction, leaving the other cloud behind, alone. It was a very beautiful day Heeseung noted. He snaps out of his daze as Jay grabs his hand to hold it.
"Hyung, it's your turn!" Jay looked at him with so much love and joy, Heeseung's heart flipped upside down.
What did he want to be? What did he want to do? He didn't know, frankly. He never really put much thought into it, he preferred focusing on the present and living the moment. Hm, what did he really want to be?
"Heeseung Hyung?" Heeseung turned to look at Jay. He looked beautiful in this lighting, under the natural sunlight as it poured through the leaves of the tree they were sitting under.
"I want to be...your boyfriend." Jay chokes on his saliva, face flushed as he swats Heeseung away as the older laughs wholeheartedly.
It was an unforgettable first date.
A few months later, after being officially boyfriends, Heeseung and Jay were wandering around, scanning the stores and window-shopping because they couldn't really afford anything after choosing to eat some expensive steak for dinner. But it was worth it, Heeseung thinks as he saw Jay look so delighted while eating the meal. It was pain for Heeseung's wallet though.
As they pass by designer shops, Jay suddenly speaks up in the comfortable silence.
"I need to work harder."
They stop in their tracks. Heeseung sends him a questioning look.
"Everyone is working so hard, I feel like I am falling behind," Jay confesses as he plays with his hands. Heeseung notices it and he knows. He knows Jay is feeling insecure. He grabs the younger and embraces him so firmly, arms encircling Jay's small frame.
"It's okay. You have worked hard! Don't say you haven't because I've seen how much time and effort you put into your studies, your hobbies and your part-time job," Jay rests his head in the juncture of Heeseung's neck, hands grabbing the coat the older was holding, for some comfort and some reassurance, "Go at your own pace, yeah? You have lots of time, and you're doing so, so well. Take your step one by one. I'll be by your side through it all, okay?"
He feels Jay nod against his shoulder. His hand grabs Jay's chin tenderly, moving his face to be facing his own. Jay's eyes were brimming with unshed tears and he could see the frustration that was piling inside him, the agony and anger he must have felt towards himself. Heeseung wishes he could take all of it away, wishes Jay wouldn't feel this way. He wanted Jay to feel good about himself, to feel appreciated and loved.
So, Heeseung kisses him. As his lips landed on Jay's, the younger moved with surprise but quickly melted into the kiss. It was short and simple, but it felt fucking great. It didn't give Heeseung any butterflies; it gave him warmth and adoration and everything in between that. It was his first kiss and it was not magical, it was not life-changing, it was not spectacular. It was simply full of love, full of Jay and he liked that. He liked that a lot.
And Jay, too, seemed to enjoy it as he attached their lips once again, in a deeper kiss this time. They both smiled into the kiss. It was a lot of teeth, understandable by the lack of experience, but it was delicate and soft. Lovely and pleasant.
Under the dark night of Seoul, they couldn't stop stealing fleeting pecks from one another, giggling like excited school children, inviting a few stares from passerby and the curious but they could care less, especially since the most important person was right by their side, holding their hand.
It only took a few days after his first kiss for Heeseung to experience another first.
The movie was playing in the background, a horror movie or something, Heeseung didn't know because he was too busy staring at Jay. They were fiddling with each other's hands, leaving kisses on each other's noses, foreheads, fingers --enamoured, that's what Heeseung felt. He was enamoured by the boy laying on his lap. The two boys ignored the movie, only staring at one another, basking in each other's presence and the comfortable silence omnipresent in the room. Comfortable. It felt so comfortable, and so cozy, Heeseung wouldn't want it any other way.
Jay sighed each time Heeseung's fingers threaded through his locks, hand brushing gently his hair, with such tenderness, as if Jay was some precious, fragile piece. It was at times like this where Jay could really see and could really feel how much the older cares and cherishes him. All the minor details like helping him when he needs him, giving him things without being asked to, listening to his endless rants and simply appreciating his mere, mundane existence every day that passes by. To be loved by Heeseung felt like a blessing, like a gift Jay didn't deserve.
To Heeseung, Jay was just somebody that was so easy to love. And he fell in love even more as time went by, learning new things about him every day. Fond would be the perfect word to sum up what Heeseung felt for the younger. So fond of him.
"Heeseung Hyung?" Jay stops playing with Heeseung's fingers, eyes turning into crescents as he smiles to his cheeks.
"I love you."
Heeseung nearly faints. I love you. It ringed in his ears, in his head. He loved me. Love. His heart nearly bursted out from his chest. Love was something so simple yet so meaningful. I love you's are easily thrown around, loosing its significance in this day and age but Heeseung knew, he knew deep inside him that Jay meant it with every fiber of his body, that the ' love you' meant so much more than the words themselves. Heeseung knew.
"I love you more, Jay." The younger blushes before pulling the older into a kiss.
It was his first "I love you" and it felt awfully great. With no exaggeration whatsoever, he felt like he was on cloud nine, brimming and filled with love, and with Jay. For Heeseung, "I love you, too" felt boring, felt pitiful as an answer to an 'I love you.' It just felt meaningless and lacked emotion. It felt more like an automated response to such a powerful phrase. "Too?" A mere reaction. A mere attachment to an existing idea. There was no action, no will to love the other person. A bit superficial, as if it was an expected response, as if an 'i love you' had to be completed with an 'i love you, too' or it would not make sense. Do you actually mean it or are you just responding because it's what expected?
Heeseung didn't want that. He wanted to make sure Jay knew how much he loved him and so, he settled for an 'I love you more.' An answer he thinks that is worthy enough for Jay. An answer that was a testimony to the love he feels for him.
His first 'I love you' was nothing grand but Heeseung would cherish it until the day he is buried six feed underground.
After dating for a year and three months, the pair decided to reveal it to their parents. Sure, both of their parents were super close and were basically the catalyst of making their relationship materialise, but they didn't know. They didn't know that their kids were terribly and irrevocably in love with one another.
It would be the first time they had dinner with each other families as boyfriends and to say it was nerve-wracking would be an understatement.
How would they react? Would they accept their relationship? They had to find out themselves.
As they met up at Jay's house, both families sitting around the same table Heeseung and Jay grew up having lunch during play dates, Heeseung's legs couldn't stop bouncing up and down. In the corner of his eye, he could see Jay play with his fingers, picking at the skin around his nails for some solace.
Jia came back with a pot of boiling soup, resting onto the wooden table. As she opened the lid, the fragrance tinged the room's air, spices and the smell of kimchi paired with pork walking throughout the dining area.
"So, what did you boys want to talk about?" Heeseung's father questioned, scooping spoonfuls of the red liquid into his own bowl whilst the other adults tended to the grilled beef and lettuce.
Heeseung glances at Jay and he could see how nervous he was. He grabbed his hands, stopping whatever Jay was doing to them, and squeezed them tightly as if saying 'it's okay, I'm right here.' Jay shyly sends over a smile of gratitude and relief, and clears his throat. This was it. This was the day they have been waiting for the past months.
"Jay and I are dating."
Heeseung's dad drops his spoon, the fall leaving small puddles of red soup on the area surrounding his bowl.
"W—What?"
They looked shocked. All four of them. Heeseung gulps as Jay quietly panic, fingers returning to pick at his nails once again. They were scared —no, they were terrified. Terrified that this would turn out for the worse. Terrified of the change in relationship between them and their own parents. No one could predict their reaction, but you never knew unless you tried, right?
After all, Heeseung was ready to risk it all for the boy next to him.
"Jay and I are dating. We have been dating for more than a year, actually," Heeseung starts off calmly, trying to gauge out their expressions, "Sorry we didn't tell you this sooner. But we really are serious about our relationship and we really hope you could support us."
Jay doesn't look up, he seems so tense, back hunched over, eyes finding the ground to be much more bearable than to see what his parents' faces look like at the moment.
Not only did they reveal their sexuality, they had a whole relationship to bring to light too. It was like getting slapped in the face two times in a row, when you least expect it yet it comes and hits you hard.
Heeseung falters under his parents' gaze. For a while, no one uttered a word. No one picked up a piece of food either. It was suffocating. He'd honesty rather they say something then nothing at all, because at least by saying something, it made it seem like they cared. Cared about his life, about him. Cared about their own son. They could hate him all they want, he didn't mind. Ignorance was more hurtful than hate.
"Jay, look at Mommy, please." Jia offers a warm smile after that pregnant silence, hand reaching out to Jay's shoulders.
Jay musters some courage and finally looks up, meeting eye to eye the people who he loved so dearly but feared so much as well.
"Jay, Heeseung" Jia starts off, glancing at the others, grinning and then nodding her head, "We're so happy for you guys! Congrats!"
The parents clapped and laughed at Jay's loud sigh of relief and Heeseung's bamboozled look gracing his features.
"Jia! I can't believe our sons are dating! Isn't this what we used to joke about at 3am during college?" Everyone just giggles, there was joy and warmth unlike a few minutes ago where the air was plagued with worry.
Heeseung and Jay looked at each other. He looked so happy, Jay. Heeseung could see how his smile reached his eyes, how he was glowing, radiating happiness. He was so happy. And that was all Heeseung ever wanted.
He tears up. Tears can't stop flooding out of his eyes, but he's full of joy, of bliss, of ecstasy. Heeseung's mom pulls him into hug, laughing at him sweetly.
It was a great night, one Heeseung promises to himself to never forget. First time coming out. First time unveiling his relationship. He was grateful it was good memory.
Heeseung and Jay were happy. Extremely so. After discussing with their parents, they had rented out an apartment, their first home together. As they signed the lease, Heeseung feels a heavy weight shift off his shoulders: they were finally living together, and for some reason, this very aspect took their relationship to another level. It just felt so domestic --cooking meals and having them together, keeping their home clean and tidy, grocery shopping trips in which they splurged on cereal, morning kisses and nightly cuddles.
Even after 5 months of moving in and settling down, Heeseung cannot help but feel the rush and excitement to do all these things with Jay. Every day felt anew, a new chance to show Jay how much he was worthy of love.
In the meantime, Jay had gotten a promotion at his workplace, now working at a manager at a fashion branch in the city and Heeseung couldn't be happier seeing him being one step closer to his ultimate dream. Though, this did come with a cost. Promotion often led to longer working hours. There was less time to spend with him. It felt like they only said "hello" and "goodbye" and that those were the only words that was holding them together, this relationship that seemed to slowly fade.
Heeseung knows that the other was working so damn hard, he knows how much Jay adored his job. And he felt guilty. He felt disgusted by himself for feeling such emotions and conjuring up such thoughts. But, he also worked, he also had to provide for them. And yet, he didn't forget to whisper a soft compliment every day, he didn't forget to kiss him every time he had to leave for work.
Jay didn't kiss him back anymore. Jay didn't talk to him anymore. He simply headed straight for the bedroom, not sparing Heeseung even a glance.
Heeseung couldn't take it anymore, it had been two weeks too long and he just wanted Jay to look at his way for once. That night, as Jay opened the door, slipping off his coat, Heeseung grabs his arm and drags him on to their living room couch. Jay falls with a thud, flustered and taken aback by the sudden movement.
"What the fuck?" Jay scowls, rubbing his elbow pulsing with anger and pain due to the forceful grip of the elder.
"We need to talk. Now." Jay looks at Heeseung, giving a "what's wrong look" as he discards his bag and scarf. It was a cold day, snow hurled down from the sky, painting the city in white and winter with the icy air blasting throughout the streets of Seoul. The wind was starting to howl, the noise slightly vehement as the wind clawed the glass-panes of their apartment.
"I feel like you don't care about us anymore." Heeseung confidently and cautiously starts off, hands fumbling with one another.
Jay scoffs. Heeseung did not expect this, this not expect him to react with such annoyance. Jay had always been tender-hearted with him, he never was outspoken and mostly tried to avoid confrontation and conflict. This was unusual and to say that Heeseung was scared of what was coming next would be an understatement.
"Don't accuse me like that. Why are you being like this?" Jay tries to soothe the frown, rubbing it to calm himself down but to no avail. It hurt when the one you loved accused you of loving them.
"No, why are you being like this?" Heeseung raises his voice, catching Jay and himself off-guard. He had never screamed at the other before. But he couldn't help it, he was brimiming with disappointment and despair and Jay didn't seem to understand his frustration.
Jay didn't say anything.
"Why are you constantly ignoring me? It feels like I live alone," Heeseung gulps down his hot tears, crying was not going to do anything. He releases a shaky breath, "You care more about your work than about me!"
"Can't you see I am working hard? Can't you how tired I am? I am trying my best to fulfill my position after getting promoted, Hyung! You know that, right?"
The wind battered against the window once again, much louder, much stronger. Frost travelled from the top to the bottom, coating the transparent surface in musty white.
"I just wished you spared a bit more tim for me, too. It's always work this, work that. I know that you're doing your best and I am so proud of you. But," Heeseung grips his knees and tries to control his irregular breathing, "But, it feels like I am the only one working on this relationship right now."
He sighs. Maybe one of relief, maybe one of frustration. It was their first major argument and Heeseung didn't want it to ever happen but he knew. He knew that it had to be done because they would come out stronger after this, fights like this would help them grow. They were adults now. They weren't kids nor teenagers anymore.
"I am sorry, Hyung. I truly am." Tears start dripping down one by one as Jay silently cries. "I didn't mean to make you feel this way. I am so sorry." Heeseung comes by his side, scooping up his body into his arms, offering a hug that felt like forgiveness.
"I was just so engrossed in my work, wanting to prove to my boss and others that I deserved this position. It just felt like I was finally catching up to other people, that I was finding my own success finally, that I finally worked hard enough." Heeseung squeezed him tighter, rubbing circles on to the younger's back.
"Hyung," Heeseung looks back up to Jay's face and his heart drops as he sees the tears and redness surrounding his eyes, "I love you, okay? I love you so much. I will do better. I'm sorry."
Heeseung smiles widely and dives in for a kiss, a gentle one as he caresses Jay's cheek, soothing his puffy features, healing his anxiety-bitten lips with love-filled pecks.
"It's okay. Let's both work hard. I love you more, Jongseong." The younger blushes at the name, hand balled up into a fist to jokingly punch the older in the chest out of shyness. Heeseung laughs. It was okay, they were going to be okay. Arguments were normal and though this might be their first one, he knew many more were to come. And somehow, that made him happy. The wind outside died down, quietly leaving the scene as the two boys basked in the warmth of their heater and each other's presence.
Relationships came with trials and discoveries, with anger and love. Heeseung and Jay's one was no different. They fought, they argued and they spent time away from one another. They healed, they repaired and they grew more in love. As Heeseung learnt it the hard way, he couldn't survive without Jay. Though it sounds cliché, and childish even, every single day that comes and goes, his heart lurched for the other male. It was beyond human reason at this point. It was simply just love.
Jay was love and Heeseung loves love.
And that was confirmed when the two boys spent their first night together. In a new city. In a new furnished apartment.
Tipsy and flustered hands roamed under Jay's cream sweater as he arched his back as the older's fingers grazed the length of his spine to tips of his waist. Littered kisses and bites. Busy lips. Quiet sounds and sighs. He was so beautiful, decorated with red badges that screamed possession on his neck trailing to his chest. He smelled so good, of honey and of peaches. It was driving Heeseung crazy. He was so damn pretty.
High on the adrenaline and rush, quick feet staggered to the bedroom, bodies glued to one another. Jay lands with a soft thud on to the bedsheets, hands pulling Heeseung closer than ever, chanting his name like a mantra. In the dark of the night, only the stars oversaw the love and passion between the two unsuspecting boys. They kissed, no longer teeth, just tongue. Clothes were strewed across the room but it didn't matter.
With breathless moans and lust-filled gasps, they became one. That night, Jay was Heeseung's and Heeseung was Jay's.
Jay limped into Heeseung's arms the very next day, a scowl on his face as he cursed him.
"I can't walk anymore. Fuck you."
"That's what I did yesterday." Jay rolls his eyes as Heeseung sends a wink and laughs.
Fond, he was oh so very fond of the younger. Heeseung looks at Jay's eyes, velvet box still in his hand. Today was their fifth anniversary and Heeseung thought of doing something special, hence the ring. They had spent five years together. Five beautiful years.
Heeseung remembers his first anniversary with him. Five years back, when Jay was still in high school and he was a freshman at college.
It was a very cold day, people were wrapped in warm scarves and gloves as the snow piled on to the streets, heaps of white found on the asphalt ground. Heeseung had just finished school and was waiting to pick up the younger to go home. A heavy guitar case was strapped to his body, nearly weighing his down every step he took. He had brought specifically for today, their first anniversary. And he hopes the pain and tiredness from carrying the instrument was worth it.
As the clock strikes 5:00pm, a herd of students scatter out from the building. Heeseung's eyes dart around the entrance looking for a certain male. As hies eyes landed on the target, he smiles. Jay looked so pretty under the sun. As the boys found one another, Heeseung quickly pecks him before taking Jay's back, grabbing his hand and walking him to his car.
"Happy first anniversary, Hyung! I love you!" Jay says once he enters the vehicle.
"I love you more. Fasten your seatbelt, babe." Heeseung starts the engine and turns on the heater, chasing the cold of the weather.
They drive to the park to Jay's surprise.
"Hyung, I thought we were going home?"
"Come and follow me, you'll see." Jay nods and simply follows his hyung as they make their way through the park which was covered in snow. They walk past the playground, past the frozen lake, past the white-coloured greenery. They reach a lovely gazebo that was sitting there waiting for their arrival.
Heeseung makes Jay sit down in front of him and wraps another scarf around the younger, tucking in the warm material under his neck. Jay's face is red, but not from the icy air.
"Why are we here, hyung?"
"You already gave me a gift this morning before you left to school. I also have a gift for you for our first anniversary." Jay smiles and giddily claps his hands.
"Aww, you love so much, don't you?" Heeseung rolls his eyes at the other's teasing but answers with a timid "of course." He grabs the guitar his back had the honor of supporting throughout the afternoon and settles it onto his jean-covered legs.
"This song is for you, my love." And Heeseung starts to play and sing the song he had been writing and practicing for the past months. Sleepless nights, skipped meals and a body in pain but it was all worth it. Jay's teary smile proved that it was all worth it. He hoped the song was enough to convey all he felt for the boy seated in front of him. The love, the joy, the solace this boy embodied for Heeseung. Call it an ode, if you will. Call it poetry, if you will. It was for Jay and only him.
"Hyung, thank you so much." Jay engulfs the older in hug, his teary face buried into Heeseung's shoulders. Jay lifts up his face, eyes meeting the other. Adoration swirled in the darkness of the older's eyes, fond and full of something Jay couldn't name, but he knew, that something was only meant for him. He leans in and seals the night with a kiss of gratitude, of a thanks for staying with him and loving someone like him.
He was hoping to celebrate many more anniversaries with the boy he loves.
And they did.
For five years, they ate, and laughed, and loved one another. Every year was a test to their relationship but they always won because when you love someone so much, when you give someone your all, you can easily fall in love with them again. Their fifth year anniversary was great, like every other. A trip to Osaka was a great choice made by Heeseung if might say so himself. Jay was having so much fun wandering around and speaking to practically any person they passed by, with food tightly held in his hands and shopping bags hanging on desperately to his arms. Heeseung just smiled.
Five years was a long time and the question of marriage was never really brought up, they both knew they wanted to settle with one another and Jay had told Heeseung that he didn't need to worry about marriage that marriage this. As long as they loved each other, that was enough. But, Heeseung still wanted to tie the knot. Something about making it official, black on white paper, made it feel like the world acknowledged their bond, their relationship. And the thought of giving the younger a beautiful ring and proposing was romantic and heartwarming, Heeseung really liked that. Jay deserved everything and more. If proposing was one way of showing his love to him, he'd gladly and readily do it. There was no such thing as loving someone too much. And especially not for someone like Jay.
Heeseung had picked out a ring, picked out a nice velvet box and planned the entire thing. He was going to propose on New Year's Eve, right before the new year began. Hopefully, he would say "yes." They would start out the new year not only as lovers but as fiancés, to-be wed. It was cliché but just the mere thought of getting on one knee was already sending Heeseung into a frenzy. He was usually a person who would get worried quite easily and this was no exception. A year, he had been planning this proposal for a year. Nothing was perfect, but he hoped it would seem so.
It was the 31st of December and Jay had gone out get some food at the mall. It had started to rain, showering the entire city with droplets. Heeseung kept an umbrella over his head, hand sneaking into his bag to get out his phone. It was 9:37pm.
< my one and only >
------
Meet me by the Han river, by our tree in 20 minutes :)
Oh? What's going on?
Just come, babe. I'll be there, waiting for you.
Okay! I'll make sure to be quick, then! Gonna take a cab <33
Alright baby, be careful. Tonight's traffic is terrible, see you :D
See youuuuuu!
The screen lit up the surrounding darkness making Heeseung squint slightly from the blaring white light. He was clad in casual suit, nothing too fancy but it still felt somehow put together. The box waited patiently in his grey trouser pockets as his teeth nibble around his fingers, trying to calm his nerves. A proposal was a huge thing in one's life. A single defining 'yes' or 'no' could decide everything about a relationship. Did Jay even want to marry him? Is this maybe too much? They were still quite young, after all. Heeseung reached into his pocket, feeling up the box, the shape comforting him, telling him he made the right choice. He breathes in and sighs. Everything was going to be okay.
The rain got harsher, droplets pelting down like bullets, attacking every passerby and building. Heeseung notices the time, it read 10:14pm. 20 minutes were long gone. He reached out to his phone to check up on the younger.
< my one and only >
------
Hey babe, where are you?
Ah, hyung! I am so sorry, the traffic is crazy, and the rain's not helping :// there's literally so much water on the road right now lol, it's like we are driving through the ocean
It's okay, I can wait. Just get here safely!
I will, don't worry!! It kinda sucks that it has to rain on the final day of the year :((
Hyung will fight the sky for you. I will punch those clouds. Fucking cumulonimbus motherfuckers.
SHUT UPPPP omg you're so cute hyung
I'm almost there, an U-turn then I should be good! I'm wearing a blue sweater! Look out for me hehe
Okay angel, I can't wait to see you and celebrate today with you :))
Me too! I love you so much, Heeseung <3
I love you more, Jay.
Jay was so cute, even when he texts. Heeseung couldn't help but grin. It might have looked weird to see a someone smiling widely at their phone but he didn't really care. All he could think about was Jay. The sky was grumbling with anger and thunder, it tears relentlessly shooting down on to the mass of people and infrastructure and vehicles. The dark clouds grew much larger in size, the grey taking over the white, innocent other clouds, pushing them away. The rain pattered loudly against glass and concrete, an unfortunate background music for such a special day in the year. Why must it rain today?
His feet tapped the wet group at a frantic speed as his eyes searched the area for a male clad in a blue sweater. Where was he? It had already been more than 10 minutes since their last conversation. He slid out his phone again.
< my one and only >
------
I love you more, Jay.
[ seen, 10:19pm ]
Jay, where are you?
Baby? Are you okay?
Jay?
Love?
You're not picking up your calls, please text or call me as soon as possible
Please be okay, I love you
[ delivered, 10:36pm ]
Heeseung started to worry. No way it would have taken Jay more than 10 minutes to do a U-turn to here. Every time he called, the line went blank. Heeseung looked around, walking up and down the street, trying to find a blue sweater, his lover, in this pathetic rain. Every second felt like an hour, every movement felt like a marathon. The rain did not make this any better, the water pouring making it hard to identify someone. Today was not a lucky day. The sky got angrier and louder, the rain didn't seem like it would stop anytime soon nor did the thunder. Heeseung didn't know what to do. He simply crossed the street, walking to the public square near the U-turn in hopes of finding Jay. Maybe, he was still stuck around there. He walked and walked and walked. Legs fatigued and heart in a mess but he continued his way over there. Once he reached, he looked around once more. The vehicles were stuck, one behind another, it seemed like they wouldn't budge for the next hour or so. Some drivers even stood outside their cars, waiting for any progress to form. Rush hour was usually bad but it was nearly 11pm. Why were they stuck?
As he was strolling along the sidewalk, under the bright streetlights, he got a call.
He finally got a call.
Heeseung, with panicky hands, quickly searched for his phone and smashing the button on his phonescreen, not looking at it nor caring that it could potentially get broken. He was just so relieved. Jay finally called back. Heeseung smiles and tries not to scream out of joy once he hears the other line connect.
"Oh my god, love! Where are you, I have been waiting for you! Are you near the U-turn? I'm at the public square now, I was looking for you. Anyways, tell me where you are so that I can come and fetch yo--"
"Is this Lee Heeseung?"
His heart drops. It was not Jay's voice. It was nowhere near it.
"Y-Yes, it is."
"Hello there Mr. Lee. This is Seoul National Hospital, I am sorry to inform you that Mr. Park had gotten into a big car accident around 10 minutes ago. You were listed as first contact and so I am here to tell you that he's currently in the emergency room and the doctors are trying their best to save him."
Heeseung couldn't hear a thing after that. The world stopped. His heart stopped.
"Heeseung-ssi? Mr. Lee? Sir?"
"I-I'll come. Goodbye."
"Wait, sir--" He hangs up the call. He doesn't feel anything but his body moves on his own, feet quickly dashing to find a taxi and mouth shouting to the driver to go faster at every red light. He doesn't even know how or when but he arrives at Seoul National Hospital and drag his body through the doors, bumping against a few people.
As the nurses guide him to the waiting area, he feels his lungs constrict themselves, barely letting any air or out. His throat was dry, stomach heavy, breathing rough. Fuck.
"He's getting surgery at the moment by the trauma unit. You may wait here."
Heeseung sees through the wide, transparent doors a herd of medical staff, in their scrubs rushing to attend patients.
He chokes on his tears he couldn't let out and crouches down, head in his hands. Quiet sobs filled the room. His body heaving with every cry.
It hurt, it hurt so much. But Jay was probably in much more pain. Why? Just fucking why? Why did it have to be Jay?
He sees the velvet box that had fallen out his pocket while he crouched down. Lonely. Abandoned. It looked pathetic. He grabbed it, holding in both hands, like some prayer. And he begs and prays and wishes to whoever and whatever that was was up there to keep his love safe. To keep Jay safe and sound. Hiccups ripple through him, hands trembling but he prays.
"Please save him. Please."
Firsts.
They are always precious. A new experience, a new memory, a new moment to cherish and to remember. Firsts always leave some sort of impact on you, no matter how big or small. They remain forever ingrained in your thoughts and your life.
It was Heeseung's first heartbreak. His first loss. His first grief.
It was Heeseung's first year without Jay, without his angel by his side.
As he was now far above, high up in the clouds.
It was hard. So fucking hard. He felt lifeless and numb, and that somehow made it all worse. Feeling something was better than feeling nothing at all. Every day was a trial, a challenge to see if he could go on. Some days he wanted to end it all. Some days he wishes he didn't exist. But everyday, he wishes Jay was still here, was still there when he would wake up every morning. But the world was cruel and hope was never that kind anyways.
Heeseung looks at Jay's face, hands stroking the glass frame.
"I didn't get to propose to you, so here is the ring. I hope you like it, love." He gently places the red box onto the grey stone along the bouquets of flowers and other parting gifts left by relatives and friends. Jay looked so beautiful in the picture. He wonders how much prettier he would have gotten now.
Heeseung straightens his coat and dusts off the dirt on his clothes. He crouched in front of the gravestone, arms hugging his knees and stares at it. Then, he smiles.
"Happy six years Jay! We have made it so far!" Heeseung laughs quietly. "I love you so much, but you already know. I hope you're doing great." Heeseung sighs, the air was getting colder.
"To be honest, it's hard for me to move on. You were really important to me. Heck, you were my entire life. You were the reason why I kept looking forward to tomorrow. But now," Heeseung looks up, trying not to get teary-eyed, "you're not there anymore. How could I possibly look at tomorrow if we are not together?" Heeseung knows he's rambling but he feels like he needed to get it off his chest because it's been a year. And he had tried to heal and failed. But coming here today brought him the peace and comfort he needed for the past 365 days.
"Will I ever move on? I don't know but I am trying. Just wanted to drop by to say hi and celebrate our anniversary because you said we were always going to celebrate every year together, right?" Heeseung gets closer to the gravestone. "Jay, I will never regret loving you. You will always be my first and best love, okay? Maybe, in another life, we would grow old together. Maybe." Heeseung hugs the stone and the tears start to fall. He hugged it tightly, with all the love and grief and misery in him.
"I'll find you in my next life, and I'll love you again. And I'll make sure to never let you go. Thank you, Jongseong. Hyung is so happy to have had the honour of loving you and of you loving me." Heeseung gives the stone a last squeeze before parting ways. As he walks away, he glances back for one last look. He sees a tiny blue butterfly land on the engagement ring he had left for Jay. Heeseung softly smiles.
Lasts.
Lasts are never easy on the heart and the soul. A parting, an end, a farewell to something we have held onto for so long.
They are precious. Lasts never leave your memory and forever torment the individual.
No matter how much you avoid it or forget it, it is inevitable. Everything comes to an end, someday or the other.
Lasts are the endings that close off a chapter in the book of life. But, every last comes with a new beginning, a new first awaiting for you.
That's fascinating, isn't it?
Though it might the last page, the story goes on.
Heeseung might fall in love with someone else, love and hug someone else and live the remaining of his life with someone else, but Jay will forever be his first and best love.
To Heeseung, though his book might not finish with Jay in its final pages, he will always be written in the first 20 or so chapters of his life. And, Heeseung will never fail to love him until the very end.
Heeseung opens the door of his car, sliding into the driver's seat. As he starts up the engine, the blue butterfly he saw moments ago flies in and gently settles onto the steering wheel, flapping its wings excitedly. Heeseung laughs.
As the sun slowly sets, basking the scenery in warm tones, Heeseung and the butterfly drive off into the city of Seoul, calm minds and souls rekindled.
His heart sank into a maze of memories of him but he doesn't mind it one bit. He looks at the blue butterfly and says the words he had always wanted to say ever since that fatal night:
"Jongseong, thank you for being my first of many firsts."