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Tamlin: Hello and welcome to Skyrim Research where we discuss important topics and answer even more important questions. My name is Tamlin and today we’re asking the question “Are knives lethal?” with me are Sicarius; local assassin and professional stabber, as well as Vanima; Archmage of the College of Winterhold who claims she doesn’t believe in the existence of knives. Does this sound interesting to you? Stay tuned and all shall be revealed.
*Skyrim theme plays*
Tamlin: So, Vanima, tell me: is it true that you don’t believe in the existence of knives?
Vanima: Yes, that is indeed true. Knives have never existed and are in fact just short swords.
Sicarius: That’s ridiculous! Short swords and knives are two completely different things.
Vanima: Well I disagree. Knives are just an illusion created from a desire to earn more money. When swords first became a thing they were really popular and sold rapidly; earning the sellers a sweet sum of money, but eventually everyone had a sword and they stopped selling as well. So what did the sellers then do? They took a sword and called it a knife and suddenly there was this new thing that everyone wanted and the profit once again increased. Ergo: knives don’t exist and they never did because they are just swords.
Tamlin: I must say this is an interesting take on what we today call knives, perhaps it’s even a revolutionary aspect that will crumble the market and cause the world as we know it to change.
Now, Sicarius, upon hearing this argument what are your thoughts?
Sicarius: Like I said before it’s absolutely ridiculous. In my profession I use knives all the time, and I can avouch that they are not swords and so Vanima are - without a doubt - wrong.
Tamlin: So are you saying that there is a distinguishable difference between swords and knives?
Sicarius: Yes, that is exactly what I’m saying. The most prominent difference being their effectiveness in different situations. If you want to get close to someone to assassinate them a sword will be highly impractical since it’s just too large and overall inept to the situation, whereas a knife, especially a dagger, would suit very well. Then of course there are other obvious differences such as size and shape—
Vanima: Swords come in different sizes and shapes; what’s your point?
Sicarius: My point is that knives aren’t swords.
Vanima: Yes they are! Knives are swords and you are only enforcing the illusion of the market by denying it!
Sicarius: YOU ARE AN ARCHMAGE HOW CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE THIS?
Vanima: IT’S BECAUSE I AM AN ARCHMAGE THAT I CAN SEE THROUGH THE LIES SOCIETY HAS CREATED. IF YOU JUST OPENED YOUR EYES YOU WOULD SEE IT TOO, BUT OHH NO, YOU ASSASSINS NEVER CARE ABOUT THE FACTS NO MATTER HOW OBVIOUS THEY ARE.
Sicarius: OH I SEE HOW IT IS. YOU WANT FACTS, HUH? WELL THE FACTS ARE THAT YOU ARE INSANE.
Vanima: OH WOW. PERSONAL ATTACKS NOW, IS IT? JUST BECAUSE MY BROTHER WENT INSANE I’M INSANE NOW TOO, HUH? REAL CLASSY OF YOU SICARIUS, REAL CLASSY.
Sicarius: THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU KNOW IT.
Tamlin: Oh boy, things are getting heated in the studio and the debate of whether knives even exist rages on. Are swords and knives different things, or are knives in fact just an illusion created by the market? I sure don’t know anymore, but maybe you do. Feel free to share your thoughts with us here at Skyrim Research! Are knives real? Tell us what you think!
We’ll be back right after the break!
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Tamlin: Skyrim Research - the podcast where we discuss topics no one else even thinks about and answer the questions that you might never have asked yourself. Today I’m sitting here with Sicarius and Vanima to answer the question “are knives lethal?” however things got a little sidetracked as we ventured into a highly respectable debate about whether knives even exist or not. We still aren’t quite clear on the matter, but that is, as they say, no matter - hehe.
Anyway, Sicarius, you are an assassin, if I’m not entirely mistaken you are even the leader of the Dark Brotherhood and can as such be considered to be a bit of a professional stabber. Would you then, as a professional stabber, say that knives are lethal?
Sicarius: Knives can indeed be very lethal, yes. It’s all about knowing how to use them. I for example, have a long history with knives and have been using them for years and so by my hand they are very lethal. However if you give a knife to an inexperienced hand it is a bit of a different story. Not to say that the knife is harmless, it can do great damage even by the hand of the inexperienced, but considerably less so than someone who actually knows how to use it.
Tamlin: Mm-hm, but wouldn’t one then be able to say that it is actually the wielder who is lethal, and not the knife itself?
Sicarius: I can see where you’re coming from, but like I said a knife can do great damage even by the hand of the inexperienced. Furthermore just because the wielder is lethal with a knife, it doesn’t mean that they are so with another weapon. Take me for example: I’m skilled with both knife and bow, but with a sword I’m useless. I guess that in a sense you can say that the wielder and knife together can become very lethal, but I would still avouch the knife to be very lethal in and of itself.
Tamlin: You certainly make some interesting points there and offer a valid aspect that I think many of our listeners will ponder over.
So Vanima, I’m sure you have a thing or two in response to this, care to share?
Vanima: Yes Tamlin, thank you. I fully and wholeheartedly disagree with Sicarius’s statement. I mean how can a knife be lethal when it doesn’t even exist? It jus—
Sicarius: How about I stab you with one and we’ll see if it exists then.
Tamlin: No stabbing while we’re on-air. I mean come on, I told you that before we started recording.
Sicarius: That’s not an issue. I can stab her once we’re finished here.
Tamlin: That’s… I mean I can’t say anything against it but please, no stabbing.
Sicarius: We’ll see. We’ll see.
Tamlin: Right, so if we’re finished with the threats. Vanima, do continue.
Vanima: As I was saying: it just doesn’t make any sense. Something that doesn’t exist simply can’t be lethal. Now swords however; that’s a different story.
Sicarius: So basically you admit that knives are lethal.
Vanima: No I’m not because knives do not exist.
Sicarius: You said that knives are just swords and you said that swords are lethal which means you think knives are letha—
Vanima: NO I DIDN’T. KNIVES DO NOT—
Sicarius: YES. THEY. DO.
Vanima: NOOOO
Tamlin: Okaaaaay, things are sidetracking again. No worries, we’ll just let these guys sort things out. I should probably make sure there aren’t any casualties. In the meantime, I went out and asked some of the residents here in Skyrim what their thoughts are so I’ll let you guys listen to that and—
NO SICARIUS PUT THE KNIFE DOWN.
_
Tamlin: I am standing here with Jarl Balgruuf, the jarl of Whiterun.
Balgruuf: Tamlin please, I’m busy, go away.
Tamlin: Jarl, can you answer this one question for me: are knives lethal?
Balgruuf: What?
Tamlin: Knives, are they lethal?
Balgruuf: What are you even?.. Yes?
Tamlin: So you think that knives are lethal?
Balgruuf: Wha— yes, yes knives are lethal. Now please excuse me. I have duties to attend to.
Tamlin: Wait, will you please develop your thoughts? Why do you think knives are lethal? There’s a theory that knives don't even exist. What do you think about that?
Irileth: Alright, that’s enough for today. Stop pestering the jarl with your nonsensical questions.
Tamlin: Hey wait, Balgruuf! Balgruuuuuuuuuuuuf!
_
Tamlin: So, Paarthurnax, would you say that knives are lethal?
Paarthurnax: Ah, Dovahkiin. Drem Yol Lok. You ask a most intriguing question. Before one can answer such a question one must Mindoraan. One must understand what it means. What will the answer give to you? Knowledge? Understanding? There can be a great many answers depending on what you seek—
Tamlin: Okaaay, backing away now… Sven, go go go
_
Tamlin: I have ventured through huge mountains, deep caves, and neverending woods on a mission to find the people who might be considered experts on weapons lethality and I finally found one. Here I stand with Cicero, member of the Dark Brotherhood! Cicero, tell me, are knives lethal?
Cicero: Ho ho ho, let’s see shall we?
*Sven grunts*
Tamlin: Did- did you just stab my assistant?
Cicero: He he he he. Cicero just gave an answer to your question! Look at how he lies on the ground and bleeds. Soon dead ha ha!
Tamlin: Okay, let’s just uh, cut it there, and get Sven some medical assistance.
_
Tamlin: And we are back in the studio! I’m here with Sicarius and Vanima who helped me answer and discuss the question “Are knives lethal?”. I feel like we have learned a great many things today and will be walking away from here with new wisdom on our hands. We ventured into a debate of whether knives even exist—
Vanima: They don’t.
Sicarius: Stop.
Tamlin: —and discussed the different aspects of how and when a knife is or isn’t lethal. Some of the citizens of Skyrim offered their opinions as well, and gave refreshing insights to the matter. On that note Sven would like you all to know that he thinks that knives are indeed very lethal - I would personally like to add that he is, after the stabbing incident, fine. He has been forced to go on medical leave for his health, but he is a champion who I’m sure will join us again after a quick recovery.
*bickering*
Tamlin: It would seem our guests are once again getting at each other's throat which isn’t a surprise but—
Sicarius what are you- Hey where did you get that? PUT THE KNIFE DOWN I LITERALLY CONFISCATED IT FIVE MINUTES AGO HOW DO YOU HAVE A NEW ONE.
Sicarius: I’LL SHOW YOU THE EXISTENCE OF KNIVES YOU—
Vanima: COME AT ME, AND I’LL SEND YOU TO OBLIVION
Tamlin: Alright! That’s a wrap for today. Thank you for listening to this podcast and be sure to tune in for the next episode, this is Tamlin Silva and you are listening to Skyrim Research.
SicariUS DROP THE KNIFE!
*Sound cuts off*