Chapter Text
He knew nothing about love. Well, he tried his best to forget the concept of love. He was taught at an early age that love causes nothing but pain, not just to oneself but to others as well.
At the young age of 5 years old, Ik-jun’s mother already told him the tale of these two long lost lovers that formed something beautiful.
It was a beautiful day when they went out. The sky was bright blue, and the clouds scattered throughout it thinly, it was truly such a bright day. The trees were green, and the flowers bloomed; coloring the sidewalk that they were walking on. It was such a wonderful day, and 5-year-old Ik-jun didn’t understand why her mother was crying while overlooking their favorite garden.
It was spring and the flowers looked beautiful, but some of it didn’t seem like it was blooming at its fullest yet. Some looked dull, while some even looked like they were dying, but nonetheless they still looked beautiful. He admired the specks of color that the fine green plane had when he was abruptly taken out of his admiration when his mother bent down to look at him face to face.
“Ikjun-ah, we need to go home already.” He replied with a slight frown. “Why are we going home so early though? Our house is only a five-minute walk from here?” He saw his mother’s face painted with tears and yet he still didn’t understand why they would go home so early at such a fine day?
“Ikjun-ah, we’re going back with your halmeoni, we will live with her again. Hm?”
Ik-jun didn’t understand, he liked their house here in the city. He could easily go to parks, to his favorite gardens and countless restaurants with his mom and dad. They live at a penthouse but his halmeoni’s house in Changwon was still bigger. But even if his halmeoni’s house was almost 3 times bigger than their house here in the city, he would still rather stay here. He loves it here; he feels home here.
When they eventually went back to their house, Ik-jun might be young but he knew that seeing his father crying in his knees while looking at his halmeoni was not normal.
The house looked bare; everything was in boxes. His toys that used to litter the floor are now arranged inside boxes upon boxes. Everything was still here yesterday, he even got a scolding from his mom because he forgot to clean up, but now he thinks the house is too clean.
“We already told you from the start, the moment you did something to my daughter, you will never feel how it is to become a CEO ever again. You will never achieve that goal, and everyone will know what a terrible husband and what a terrible father you are!”
He heard his eomma cry again, it was heavier now, she isn’t even trying to hide it from him. Different people moved in and out of the penthouse as they took the boxes outside; people were murmuring, and some were even heaving as they carried out boxes but all Ik-jun could hear right now is his eomma’s sobbing.
They were finally at his halmeoni’s car going back to his halmeoni’s house. He didn’t know what else to do but to look outside as he had one final time to look at the buildings and the garden that he frequented in. Now he was the one that felt sad, he might be young, but he knows what is happening. His father has not been going home for a while now and he had been hearing his mother crying. He may not be able to put a word over it, but he knows, he is quite certain that he might not see his father again.
They continued traveling and eventually reached his halmeoni’s home. He looked around and everything was still the same. A huge mansion in the middle of the countryside, with a huge plot of land surrounding it. The right part of the plot of land was used for Ik-jun’s playground, while the rest was a place for his halmeoni’s plants. “Ikjun-ah let’s go?” his mother asked with a rough voice.
When young Ik-jun went to his room, his mother sat beside him and carefully patted his head as she constantly tried her best to control her tears again.
“Ikjun-ah, do you remember the tale that I told you? About the garden we always went to?”
Of course, Ik-jun knew, it was one of his favorite places to go to, but now he can’t go back there anymore. “Do you remember? Hm?” his eomma asked again, he shook his head as a reply and saw the trembling of her lips and the water pooling at her eyes.
“Uhmm… well, that garden was built because of two deities that failed to love each other.” Ik-jun saw a slight smile as he saw her mother’s tears fall once again.
“What happened was, there was this goddess named Gyeo-ul-” “Gyeo-ul eomma? Like the winter season, gyeo-ul?” Ik-jun enthusiastically cut off his mother to which she replied with a nod as she continuously softly patted his head.
“Hmm… Ikjun-ah Gyeo-ul like the season. Goddess Gyeo-ul was not loved by a lot of people, because she brought too much coldness whenever she was around. People’s crops would not grow, and kids could not go outside because it was too cold. But despite all of the hatred she was getting, she continued her duty because of one particular deity, it was because of god Jeong-won.”
Ik-jun was remained quiet as he listened to his mother tell the sad tale. “Unlike goddess Gyeo-ul people adored god Jeong-won, because he brought the Sun, he was able to let people feel the warmth on their skin and it helped the crops grow which fed the people. Goddess Gyeo-ul continued her duty to bring the coldness in people’s lives and she always tried her best so that god Jeong-won could notice her, but sadly she would remain unnoticed. People all around were too busy worshiping god Jeong-won and because of this, he never took notice of the lonely goddess.”
His mother stopped as she took a deep breath. “Then, the beautiful goddess started getting sick, she would always cough up flowers showing her devotion to her beloved god, and it continued for a long time. The goddess continued coughing up flowers of different kinds, so whenever winter came around flowers suddenly would start to bloom, and people were surprised. They were all suddenly worshipping her because of the beautiful flowers that she would create which was brought upon because of the pain she was going through and so, her tears flowed heavily whenever the winter came, they would be pure as white just like her love for god Jeong-won. People cheered her on as she continued to cough up flowers until such time that, her ethereal body could not even take it, so she decided to lie down and finally let the flowers consume her. Eventually flowers of different kind bloomed out of her body as a way to show how she will always be faithful to her one and only love, god Jeong-won.”
Ik-jun was still diligently listening when he suddenly thought of a question. “Eomma, how come a goddess got sick? Aren’t they supposed to be invincible?” Ik-jun’s eomma wore a small smile and answered. “Hmmm… well… the tale shows how powerful love is, and how it could break us, that it even made a deity sick.”
“Is this what happens when you love too much, eomma?” the young kid asked once again.
“Yes Ikjun-ah, sometimes you might cough out flowers if you love too much, and it might grow into a garden if the love you give is not given back. That’s why you have to remember that we need to keep our hearts cold. And that sometimes it’s not too bad when we choose to protect our hearts rather than just giving it to anyone and would end up getting sick just like goddess Gyeo-ul.”
Ik-jun was now feeling tears in his eyes. He didn’t want to stop loving, he might not fully know what love truly is, but he is certain that he feels love whenever he eats cake for his birthday, he feels love whenever he sees the flowers bloom every winter at the ‘Winter Garden,’ and he is certain that he feels love whenever he sees his eomma smile.
He didn’t want to stop the warm feeling that he gets in his chest whenever he feels love, but he is also afraid that he might go through what the beautiful goddess had gone through.
His mother continued to explain that, whenever someone’s love is not reciprocated, their chest feels tight, they feel like they could not breathe, and it was because of the flowers growing in their insides. His mother continued by saying that, all of this could have been avoided if the people were not selfish.
Young Ik-jun got sad for goddess Gyeo-ul, tears were now streaming down his cheeks which was wiped dry by his mother. His eomma finished the story with a small smile as she said, “Remember Ikjun-ah, we need to keep our hearts cold, because we should not hurt ourselves and others, okay?”
Ik-jun took the story to his heart. At first, he totally did not believe in his mother, because he knows how great it was to feel love, especially love towards his mother, but he eventually realized that all of this was true when his mother passed away.
He knew that his family was not perfect– far from it really. He heard the story of how excited his mother was that she was to be wedded with the person she loved the most. His halmeoni was the happiest of them all. His eomma and appa, got married and had him. As a child he grew up with what he thought was a happy family. He used to play with both eomma and appa and would go and walk to his favorite ‘Winter Garden’. But all of this suddenly changed when he heard his eomma crying.
He was certain his mother truly and deeply loved his appa, but he guessed his appa didn’t truly loved her. And 12-year-old Ik-jun was certain that the reason why his eomma died was because of this– his eomma’s undying love. He remembered seeing how hard it was for her. She got sick and started coughing up blood. The young kid was certain that his eomma was throwing away the flowers that she would expel.
This led him to believe that, love truly brought nothing but pain, and he carried that belief until now.
As a 20-year-old adult, he didn’t really have anyone beside him. When his mother died, he started telling himself that he only had himself. The moment he turned 20, he left Changwon once again to go back to the place he once called home. Though he actually was not alone, someone else decided to join him.