Work Text:
On an unusually windy summer day, most people were at home after a day at work. Others already asleep awaiting a warmer tomorrow. Others were sat on higher ground, others being ninjas.
Minato was idly stroking his hair but then he realised it was not his own hair that was so soft. In fact, it was ginger, whatever it was. And boy was it long.
“Kushina?”
It was not Kushina.
Kushina would have replied by now. This was someone else. Minato was too relaxed to give a shit. He had that Earth Nation Merchandise (if you know you know).
No light escaped his black eyes, gone was the baby blue of the reflected sky, consumed by the merriment of the chemical temptress.
Is how the noblefox would describe it, and Minato would once again nod and not understand the psychobabble. The simpleton has learnt simple words, as anyone simple would have. So the comment escaped him.
Looming above like great overseers, his stone predecessors watched the proceedings. Had they been alive, how would they react with the knowledge of the full scope of what was happening? For they and half the village could see the great orange chakra spectre, and the observers were only growing in number.
Minato was none the wiser, leaning further back onto the furry surface. He knew the time of birth was coming, he just didn’t know how soon. And nobody was around to notify him anyways (once again, none the wiser - would’ve said the entire village by now, waiting at the lower ground, mouths agape at the creature). This slumber didn’t last long.
Bzzt. Bzzt.
Minato retrieved his Ninja Telecomunicator from his pocket, and read the message on the glowing screen.
Lord Third 👴💯
Code Blue Code Blue Mary Has Given Birth To Jesus…
I don’t want to be part of your pyramid scheme oh my gof *god
For The Last Time It Wasn’t A Pyramid Scheme It Was An Opportunity To Expand Your Horizons And Get A Side Hustle Going.
And That’s Not Important Now Your Wife Is Giving Birth And
…
MINATO LOOK BEHIND YOU
Little did Minato know, that right at this second, Kushina was expanding her own horizons. To pop out a child. But as it turns out that wasn’t the issue behind him.
That was still up ahead.
Behind him was a beast, a stunner, one hell of a charmer…
“Imbecile,” scoffed an onlooking villager who was deeply exasperated with his Hokage. He turned around and his billowing cloak shrouded his retreat. Sometimes magic is not the answer when there is a massive fuck off chakra demon cuddling with the military state’s dictator on the day he becomes a father (and died but like not in this AU this is #everyonelives #familyfriendly)
The laid back Hokage yeets the zoot.
“This is becoming a bit too real man.”
“Because it is real” - uttered Snape.
“Because it is real, honey” - uttered Kuroma, quieter this time. Somebody who was pointedly not Snape, Snape would like to add. “Hurry up, the surrogate should give you the baby. Bring him here, daddy needs to lick his airways open.”
“Oh shit that’s a big dog,” Minato said with gradually widening eyes, his pupils still and ever hungering black expanse. He petted the dog. Sort of. ‘Big’ was a bit of an understatement and it was hard to pet a head the size of a merchant’s house. “Please get off my dick.”
That was the wrong head.
Snape committed suicide. He did not get paid enough for this.
Though his suicide failed. Kakashi swiped his lover away from the gravitational pull.
The star-crossed duo had known each other for but a day, the day upon which Kakashi reality shifted to Hogwarts following advice of people on tiktok. He didn’t even know what a TikTok or a Hogwarts was, that’s just the power of reality shifting. It’s real shit man. Harder than any jutsu. This is why he is the next best ninja.
Also Kakashi is not fourteen in this fic he is aged up to 42 because we’re not maps. I have a horrible sense of direction. Also there is a dire lack of middle aged romance in this genre, we need more middle aged representation. Where my folks with the bad backs supporting each other when sorting through the recycling. Where my folks going in for an early bed time and actually sleeping and having the best damn time of their lives in bed while unconscious with no funny business going on.
Minato motorboated the furry chest, an attempt to sober up, which resulted in dizziness and almost fainting. Kuroma cradled the little lad, fed him some berries and cream, and teleported them both to the hospital, whilst under a human guise. The transformation jutsu Minato taught Kuroma in their youth, during the very passionate years of their love. Little did the late Mr and Mrs Uzumaki know that the lover they met years ago was in fact a transformed demon.
He was also just outside of the seal on Kushina like he could just do what they just didn’t know. They don’t take the easy way out.
Also my cat was there.
The two lovers watched over as Kushina cradled the newborn. Snape, now the midwife, stared at his own hands as he questioned the choices he made and how they had lead to this. He had never been to mediwitch school and he was woefully under qualified to assist the delivery of new life.
At this point, he questioned if this was the right job. He remembered, if he remembered clearly, that the woman he was meant to help keep safe (along with her baby, but that was irrelevant, he just gave a fuck about the woman) was called Lily. Not Kushina. Who the hell is Kushina?
Kakashi already had apologised for shifting Snape to this reality without consent.
If you recall, Lily Evans had red hair. So did Kushina. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps this was the missing link. For why had Snape been dragged in because Kakashi reality shifted. Why him specifically? Was it pre-ordained? Was there another prophecy Trellawney had spewed in a fit?
Snape takes out a piece of paper from his cloak. It’s messy but the script of ‘Harry Potter’ is still there. This was not according to the script. This was completely off script. What the hell man? What is this non continuity?
“Ow!” Kurosawa exclaimed and rubbed at his head. On the floor was a spherical object spliced by red and white. Curious, he picked up the UFO and examined it.
Kakashi, hidden in the rafters, lifted his head from his Icha Icha with a glint in his eye. If he had glasses, this is the part in the anime where he would push them further up his nose and the light would glint ominously, obscuring his eyes as he delivered exposition.
“That is a pokeball. A contraption designed to contain beasts known as pocket monsters. The name is derived from the ability these balls bestow upon the user, the ability to pocket monsters,” he explained and then returned to his bodice ripper novel. Kami, can someone please get this guy a book that hasn’t been authored by the Toad Sage. I’m not sure if he’s aware other books exist.
Snape jokingly elbowed Kakashi, calling him a know-it-all. The elbow was a bit higher than Snape thought it was going to end up. Snape’s elbow whacked Kakashi in the left eye. It was bleeding. He has to now cover up both eyes with his headband. He cannot see. He cannot see the descension of Gojo Satoru, whom he has summoned by covering both eyes and having white hair standing also. So far this birth of Naruto is quite the deciding event for a lot of characters.
Speak of the devil, the little shit yells out, notifying the whole hospital of his existence. To his own father though that was quite the downer. Nothing sobers you up quite as well as a child’s screech. Minato shoved the broken ‘pokeball’ in Naruto’s mouth, silencing the noise machine.
Pshewweew. The pokeball activated and out came an incredibly lanky and unnecessarily pretty white haired man.
“I have been imprisoned in this cursed black box for three years. Nyah.” The man said. “My name is Gojo Satoru and I am this young man’s new fairy godmother. More like guardian angel.”
Gojo Satoru made this all up upon eyeing the situation with his Six Eyes. Using the heavenly sight, he was able to critically analyse every aspect of his current reality and identify the optimal method of assimilating into the crowd, by invoking the conventions of fairy tales that did not exist in this universe. Wait. The Six Eyes seemed to be malfunctioning. This was not England 1991.
He zeroed in on the dour bat faced man sulking in the rafters. That would explain it. He wasn’t the only dimensional traveler in the room.
He had met Yoru on the way here too.Yoru gave him a lil cheer on with ‘not bad, won’t happen again’.
From beneath the ground, inside the pokeball, Kento Nanami grabs the newly declared fairy godmother by the balls and drags him into the ball once again back home. Never to be seen again.
-----
Nooooo Dad come back noooooooooooooooooooo. - That’s me by the way, Author-san.
Uwaaaaaah I haven’t spoken at all.
Shut up Naruto this isn’t about you. Nobody gives a shit, okay?
It’s literally my birthday.
Shut up. You cannot cannonly speak yet anyways. Wait your turn.
Anyway, back to the prose.
-----
“Grnkle,” Kushina groaned, air leaving her lungs to the tune of a scythe slicing through the air, the moments before the blade meets its target, where everything is quiet and no one can speak. Because it literally happens in less than a second, you can’t really speak in that amount of time. Maybe you can get out a really hurried syllable. Like “uh” or “wait no don’t kill yourself you’re too sexy aha.”
What I’m saying is she died. It’s what Kishimoto would have wanted. He has like a thing for killing off female characters to further the development of his male characters. Rin you deserved better.
“Wingardium Leviosaaaaaaaaaaa” moans Snape, elevating the now corpse and dragging her through the air out of the room. Naruto falls off her chest, popping off her tit, no more milk UwU. He will come to be addicted to milk later in life as a coping mechanism. With no mother to care for him though, a lot of the milk will spoil and he may get a stomach ache, lowering his chances with pink haired girls.
Kuroma grins from ear to ear. He won Minato over. The bitch is dead. The child is his and Minato’s. This would be the best day ever.
Or would it?
(Here we are employing the literary device of Yes But, No And to create further conflict. See Brandon Sanderson’s lectures on creative writing for more information.*further reading for all you nerds*)
In walks in ______ and screams. A) A giant fox demon B) a dead woman being levitated to a grave C) a newborn with blonde hair in Japan.
Would you like to phone a friend?
The Friend: This is a bit much. It must be because of the fox.
Is A) A giant fox demon, your final answer?
Yes no
Okay, if you get this right, you will win One Million Ryo, if you get it wrong, the fic ends.
There is no right answer.
The answer was yes. The day was late summer. The time was sometime in the evening. The great war started. The whole Ninja village, and more began attacking Kuroma, assuming the massive fox demon was something wrong. Which, they aren’t necessarily in the wrong, but this hurt Minato a lot. His lover was getting punished for doing nothing wrong, his child laying there alone, his wife now dead. And among all this he was expected to fight.
But Minato was already defeated. Inside, he is a hurt man. He has no strength, no will to carry on. Kuroma was his purpose. He still is. But now it was Kuroma or his village. There was no right choice. To satisfy both, he made the difficult decision to part with his lover but only for the time being.
Minato whips out the moves of Rock Paper Scissors (thanks Gon for teaching him this trick) and this forbidden jutsu activates the magic of implanting his lover into the belly of Naruto.
“Minato, my dear, visit me, I will dutifully wait for you and your love.”
“Kurama, I am so sorry for everything. I will release you as soon as it is safe for us. These homophobes will cease eventually. Maybe not today, maybe not in a century. But I will see you again. It is a promise. Look over Naruto for now. Look after our son.”
“You finally spelt my name correctly….”
Tears poured from both fur and skin, there was nothing else that could have moved Minato so much. And nothing could have stroked the thick skinned Kitsune heart. Their vows were set in history, and Naruto was to be their connector. Their hope, and their love.
“Wait who threw the pokeball?” Asked Kakashi.
Everyone stopped and looked at Kakashi. Somehow they had not realised the omniscient voice dispensing exposition was not god but in fact him.
Iuasds (a word from our resident feline sponsors).
A mysterious figure emerged from the shadows. “It is I, the thrower of balls of Poke.”
Milk white moon light spilled from the stained windows, dying the rays with an off shade of yellow, spoilt milk. With chunks created by the clouds interrupting the path of light.
“MILK!” cried out the infant, he somehow gained a first word, and his whisker marks. Must be the age acceleration from Kuroma.
Remember in that one naruto episode where the Hokage and kakashi went to the students houses and when they went to naruto they looked at the rotten milk and were like ‘ew’ and didn’t do anything about it was that fucked up or what.
Shit like where do we go from here.
See you next episode. Dattebayo.