Chapter Text
"Come on, newbies!" said Nanaba, kicking one of their bunk beds. "Time to get up!"
The mornings were always difficult for Ymir, Christa and especially Sasha. She was lacking sleep and could really use more resting hours.
Christa finally got down from her top bed and woke up Ymir with gentle words.
"Sasha, if you don't get up in the next 5 seconds," started Mikasa, "I'll make you fall face to the floor."
"Mmh…"
It wasn't the first time Mikasa had threatened her, and at worst she would just carry Sasha out of bed like a potato bag. So the girl wasn't really worried.
How was Mikasa even able to get up earlier than everyone? Sasha guessed she was in a hurry to check on Eren at breakfast. Love was a great source of energy.
"Alright."
She got up and stretched. She watched most of the scout women leaving the dormitory. Quickly the ones remaining were the four new soldiers of the Survey Corps.
"You good, Mika?" Ymir asked.
The raven haired girl slowly nodded but still seemed to be lost in thoughts. That got Ymir's interest.
"Did you have a wet dream or something?"
She received a punch in the shoulder from Christa and shrugged, not understanding what she had said wrong.
"No but… maybe something similar, I'm not sure," Mikasa confessed.
Now Sasha was also curious. The three girls stared attentively at their friend, waiting for more information.
"I don't know if it really happened or if it was a dream but, I got up in the middle of the night to go drink some water and…"
Mikasa made a pause, she looked conflicted.
"Come on, spit it out!" Ymir got impatient.
Mikasa hesitated a few more seconds before letting out a barely audible sigh.
"I saw someone enter Captain Levi's room. I couldn't see who though."
Sasha's heart stopped. It couldn’t be…
"Oh well, oh well, that's interesting," Ymir murmured with a wry smile.
"Maybe it was just Captain Levi himself?" Christa suggested.
But Mikasa shook her head.
"There were two silhouettes, and one of them had the midget's size. I'm pretty sure the two of them were kissing."
"And what height was the other one?!" Ymir asked with enthusiasm.
"Average for a man, a bit tall for a woman."
"Did you see if they had-"
"I'm pretty sure that was a dream," Sasha interrupted. "There's no way Captain Levi is seeing someone, it's even against the army's rules."
Christa and Ymir looked down at those words. Sasha knew they both loved each other, it wasn't difficult to see it. But it was forbidden for two soldiers to have a romantic or sexual relationship. Sasha hated that rule.
She quickly put her uniform on and left the dormitory in silence. Time for breakfast. She used that thought to regain some positive vibes.
"Hey sleepyhead!" Jean welcomed her.
Sasha sat at the table and blinked at Eren.
"Captain Levi said I could eat with you guys from now on," he explained with a smile. "He seems to be in a good mood lately."
"That's because he's fucking someone!" Ymir arrived with a grin. "My bet is on Smith himself."
The boys were baffled except Armin, who probably already had silently suspected it for a while.
"How do you know that?!" Connie exclaimed.
Ymir told them what Mikasa had seen and Sasha precised again that it might have been just a dream.
She glanced at the veterans' table and saw the man in question talking with Commander Hange.
"-or maybe it is that red haired soldier he has in his squad," Ymir kept on guessing.
"Petra?" Eren said. "That is possible, she seems to like him a lot."
Sasha looked now at that woman, a few tables from them, she was so pretty even when she was pissed like right now.
"What do you think, Armin?" Reiner asked.
"I think we should not suppose such things carelessly. A rumor like this can put them into trouble."
Even though everyone seemed to understand and agreed with nods, the rumor that Captain Levi had a lover got bigger in the following days. Soon, everyone in the army was talking about it.
"That's bad!! Really bad! What if you get in trouble?!"
Levi took her in a hug and stroked her back.
"As long as they don't know it's you Sasha, you will be ok. But maybe it would be safer to stop meeting for a while."
Her heart stopped and she stepped back to look at him.
"Just until the rumor calms down," Levi precised.
Her mind got so loud and confused by this suggestion. She couldn’t help but think he was keeping their relationship secret because he was ashamed of her. Because she was just a newbie and was not a great soldier like Mikasa or as pretty as this Petra.
She closed her eyes to not think about it.
"Sasha…" started Levi, getting closer to her.
He gently put his hands on her cheeks and kissed her to show her his feelings. But to Sasha, it tasted like goodbye.
They already had been so precautious. Never meet during the day, never talk to each other in public, even avoid eye contact. Sasha wasn't an idiot. She knew Major Erwin would never get rid of his best soldier, so Levi didn’t have much to lose except his popularity. Sasha was aware she wasn't a woman to be proud of being with. She was clumsy, eating a lot, and had no talent whatsoever. Mostly, she felt ashamed of herself, except when she was in Levi's arms. There she felt loved and good enough.
She led him to the bed and took off her nightshirt. If this was the last time they would meet for a while, they might as well make the most of it.
She stared at his resting face, trying to etch every part of him in her memory. His manly jawline, his thin hair, his long eyelashes, his deep breathing…
He slowly opened his eyes to look back at her and she smiled at the sight of his pretty iris. He found them colorless and boring but she could see the bit of blue in it and she loved it.
"What are you looking at, young lady?" he asked with an almost imperceptible smile.
"Oh, just at humanity's prettiest."
He now was openly smiling and shaking his head. He moved in the bed to lean over her and drop kisses all over her face.
Sasha tried to enjoy it but her mind was stuck on a gossip Eren had shared with them this morning. It was probably just a silly thing, and she was sure it wasn't true but what if… She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and let it out:
"Is it true that you bathed Commander Hange?"
...
Silence. Not a single word in response.
Sasha knew what it meant. It was true. He had seen Hange naked, and had touched her and… She got out of the bed but Levi grabbed her arm.
"Wait! That was before we met! So it doesn't count!"
She kept her back to him, too embarrassed and scared to see his reactions.
"So… something did happen between you two?"
"... Yes. But it wasn't… romantic I… and anyway it was before I met you!! I never asked you about your past because it doesn't matter! We're together now, and I would never do it with someone else while dating you, it's…"
Sasha looked down, she knew she shouldn't be mad at this, but he sounded like their relationship was temporary. She always felt he would get bored of her, but right now it felt so true. And it hurt.
"This isn't just about the past, Levi. Hange is still around you, you two spend so much time together. You should have told me you had a relationship with her."
"We never were a couple, we just were… hum…"
She turned to him. She didn’t know if she wanted to know more of this.
"You know what?" said Levi. "It doesn't matter what Hange and I had. Because now she's nothing else than my colleague and best friend. I swear since we met you've always been the only one."
She stared at him, checking if his expression would betray a lie, but only saw genuine worry and caring for her.
"Alright…" she murmured. "But you should have told me on your own."
He got up to face her.
"You know I lo- I like you a lot Sasha, but my past is still mine. I never pressured you to tell me about yours. And you never did either. We like each other for who we are now, isn't that enough?"
Sasha stayed silent in disagreement. To her, knowing he had a thing with Hange was important.
"I feel threatened now. By her," Sasha confessed.
"That's why I didn't tell you! I know you tend to feel insecure. But I swear she and I are not gonna go back together!"
"Well maybe you should!"
The room echoed her words and Levi stared at her in disbelief. A part of Sasha realized she was overreacting and dramatic, but Hange was a far better option for Levi. She was also a veteran, she was strong, smart and from his generation. Sasha was just a stain in Levi's life.
"Why do you think that?" Levi asked.
Sasha didn’t need to look at him to know he was hurt and mostly pissed. His voice was expressing it all. She felt shitty for making him feel this bad. Like always she was ruining everything.
"I just need to think," she mumbled, with a lump in her throat.
She was about to cry and she didn't want him to see it. She already felt weak enough like that.
So she put back her nightshirt on and left his room. She ran outside the castle. Once she reached the woods, she turned away, looking if he had followed her. When she saw he hadn't, she loudly cried.
This wasn't about Hange. This was about Sasha not being good enough for him. Or at least, that's what she believed.
She stayed in the cold for a while, until she had no tears left. Then she slowly got up and headed back to the castle. On the way she kept imagining Levi breaking up with her, and they going back to being strangers, just as if he had never talked to her that day.
3 months earlier
Ugh, why did he have to watch her suffer like this? Punishing her with cleaning duty wasn't enough? He also had to enjoy seeing her doing the dirty work?
Sasha hadn’t even been that messy at lunch, she just tended to drop crumbs a bit too much.
"You missed that stain," he coldly said.
Sasha glanced at him. After that man had ordered her to clean the mess hall, Connie had informed her he was the famous Captain Levi, Eren's idol.
She really didn't see what people admired in him. Yeah he seemed strong and not so bad looking but he also was so cold, rude and heartless.
Well maybe he wasn't this bad, but today was the wrong day for Sasha to be objective.
She kept on scrubbing the stain and she heard him sigh. He came to her and brutally took the sponge from her hands.
"You'll damage the wood like this."
He showed her how to do it and then handed the sponge back to her.
She felt angry and humiliated. Being the best soldier didn't give him the right to look down on her like that. When she had been eating, she had already noticed his disgusted expression from far away.
Sasha tried again to clean the stain, in his own way and shit, it was way more effective.
She continued to get rid of the stains and crumbs on the tables under the eye of Captain Levi.
When she stared back at him she noticed he wasn't looking at her hands cleaning but at her face. He quickly looked away.
"Are you really Captain Levi?" she asked.
"Yes, why?"
Because she hadn't imagined him so cold and disdainful.
"No reason, sir."
Then started his own interrogation.
"What's your name?"
"Sasha Braus, sir."
"Where are you from?"
"South of Wall Rose. A village called Dauper."
"How old are you?"
"22. Well, today 23."
He made a pause and she glanced at him.
"Happy birthday then Braus," he said, emotionless.
"Thank you, sir. Great day so far."
She frowned at her own sarcasm. It wasn't like her. She used to be so respectful towards her comrades and mostly her superiors. Then why couldn't she contain herself with that guy?
"You don’t have to clean the floor after this," Levi said. "I'll do it."
He left the mess hall and Sasha stared at the door he just had gone through. Captain Levi was a jerk.
Sasha entered the castle and shook from the cold. This wasn't the right time to be in a nightshirt.
When she arrived in front of the girls' dormitory she blinked. Levi was leaning against the wall, waiting for her.
None of them said a word. She slowly walked to the door and Levi stopped her from opening it. She looked at him with her red eyes.
"I thought we had to stop meeting for a while?" she reminded him.
"I know but I can't let us like this."
He slightly got closer to her and whispered:
"I hate when we fight. It makes me feel so sad and worried. I've never wanted to hurt you."
She kept staring at him, not knowing how to tell him it was her fault.
"I didn't want to hurt you either. I am sorry," she finally murmured.
He gently stroked her cheek.
"If you want, you can spend the rest of the night in my room."
"For real?"
"Yes, I want you by my side when I wake up."
Sasha arrived at breakfast with a soft smile. Spending the first moments of the day with Levi was the best recipe to be in a good mood.
She sat at the table where Eren, Armin and Mikasa were already eating. They greeted each other and talked about today's training.
Everything went fine until Mikasa asked her why she wasn't in bed this morning.
"Oh I was just- I got up earlier to run a bit!"
Mikasa seemed skeptical and Armin didn't miss it.
"Isn't it a bit cold nowadays to run this early?" Eren nonchalantly asked, while eating his bread.
"Hum, yeah kind of, haha!" Sasha responded with a nervous laugh. "Anyway how is… titan training, Eren?"
"Good. Well… not really. I suck."
"Eren, that's not true…" Mikasa softly said.
The both of them discussed his capacities and Sasha went back to eat, relieved she had succeeded to change the topic.
Soon enough arrived Connie and Jean. The tall man sat next to Sasha with a smile.
"Messy hair today," he commented.
"I… couldn't find my hairbrush," Sasha lied.
She had forgotten to take it with her. Now that she thought of it, she would have to bring back her nightshirt to the dormitory… How would she do that in the daytime?
"You good Sash?" Connie worried.
She reassured him. She had always wished she could tell Connie about Levi, but they couldn't risk sharing their secret to anyone.
Sasha looked up at Levi, still a few tables away. He seemed to be in a good mood too.
Well, until he looked back at her.
"You have a bit of…" Jean mumbled while wiping the corner of her mouth.
Sasha was frozen by the proximity. It wasn't just his hand that was softly touching her but also his face that was unusually close to hers.
"Just ask her out, Jean," Ymir said.
Sasha didn’t know since when she was here, but it didn't do good at the situation.
"I… I wasn't flirting! She just had some jam on her cheek!" he said, all red.
"Right," Ymir responded with a smirk. "You know this isn't allowed, Jean boi, so keep it in your pants."
"Take your own advice!"
Ymir turned pale and Sasha felt so awkward about this whole situation she quickly finished her meal so she could get out of here as soon as possible.
When she finally was in the corridor she noticed Levi climbing up the stairs. She quickly caught him up.
"Hey," she murmured. "I kinda need to get my nightshirt back."
"Alright."
She followed him to the second floor, making sure no one was seeing them. Once Levi closed the door behind them, he kissed her fiercely.
Even though it felt nice, she knew something was wrong, so she broke the kiss to look at him.
"He likes you," Levi said.
"What?"
"Kirschtein. The way he looks at you… It's obvious."
He sighed and stepped back.
"I mean…" he started with a soft voice, "I trust you Sasha."
He took her nightshirt from the chair and gave it to her.
"Just don't let him approach you like today again. It's easy to take you by surprise."
"That's not true! I'm not easy to-AHH!"
Levi had bitten her earlobe.
"What are you doing??!"
"Just proving my point. Do not let him."
She sighed.
"Alright, but you stop being a pervert!"
"Mmh, from what I experienced, you're the pervert one in this couple."
"Shut up!" she said, embarrassed.
She opened the door and stepped outside.
"I'm not a pervert! I'm just-"
She froze at a pair of blue eyes.
"Is there something wrong, Armin?" Sasha asked, a bit nervous.
"I'm actually the one wondering."
He wanted to talk to her alone and somehow had chosen the pantry for it.
"Mikasa and I couldn't help but notice many things lately."
She started to get anxious.
"We were not going to tell you about it, but it seems that something is wrong now and we wanted to help."
"Just say it Armin."
"Right… Do you have a relationship with Captain Levi?"
She closed her eyes. Damn it. Yesterday Erwin and now Armin. Everything was collapsing.
"Yes," she murmured.
"What happened?"
"Major Erwin Smith saw me getting out of Levi's room. And he heard me saying… it's not important."
"I see… What did he do?"
"He asked to speak to Levi, alone. So I left. And ever since, Levi won't even look at me. I just need to know what they said. I need to be sure Levi isn't in trouble."
Now she was shaking. It felt weird to talk about it to someone.
"How about writing to him?" Armin suggested.
"Yeah but how can I give him the letter without being seen?"
The blond man smiled.
"You won’t. Someone else will give it to him. A friend you two have in common."