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All Jimin wants is to be able to love Namjoon. To love him freely, openly, and unapologetically. He wants to scream from the top of the highest mountain how much Namjoon means to him, let the world know what Namjoon does to him, all the things he makes him feel. How Namjoon can make him smile so quickly, so easily. Make him laugh with the simplest things. Because he’s got this aura, one that cradles Jimin, holds him tight and makes him feel safe and at home. Like nothing can go wrong as long as he’s by his side.
Jimin feels like he can be himself around Namjoon, his true raw self without holding anything back, and Jimin’s never really felt that with anyone else. He always feels like he has to keep up a persona, be someone he isn’t really in order to please others or be what they want or expect him to be. But he’s never felt that with Namjoon. He’s always felt free to be whoever or whatever he wants to be around him. He can be himself without fear of judgment or disappointing him, and for that reason he feels drawn to Namjoon. He looks for him in a crowded room, wants to be near him all the time, like he’s a sunflower, always facing and searching for his beautiful radiant sun. Like a flower, Jimin blooms when around Namjoon, opens up and grows into a new person, a better person, the one he’s always wanted to be. And like the sun, Namjoon gives him warmth, energy, anything he needs to get through the day. He heals him like medicine, gives him strength and leaves him feeling brand new after every interaction, no matter how small. He feels better by the older man’s side. Happier. Like everything will be alright. Like nothing else matters but the two of them together in that moment.
Jimin had a dream once, about him and Namjoon. They were floating amongst the stars, together, free, and happy. Jimin had that same feeling then too. That feeling like they were the only two people that existed, the only two worth thinking about. Neither of them were scared or worried about what could happen to them, or any consequences their actions could have. Instead, Jimin just held out his hand and Namjoon took it without hesitation. And they stayed together like that, connected, and did as they pleased.
But then Jimin woke up, and once again he was in the real world, where he and Namjoon couldn’t be so carefree.
Jimin wishes they could do in real life what they do in his dreams. He wishes he could be with Namjoon, hold him close and kiss him whenever he wants, but reality was cruel, and Jimin couldn’t just do whatever he wanted. In the real world, Jimin has to hide his love, keep it locked up and buried deep down inside him. Instead of feeling free like in his dreams, he feels scared. Every time Namjoon looks at him, touches him, he trembles, afraid he will let his feelings slip, let it show how much he’s affected by the other man’s presence, how deeply in love with him he is.
He’s afraid of his love for Namjoon.
Because things aren’t so simple. He can’t just let himself fall and hope Namjoon is there to catch him. In the real world, things don’t just fall into place because you want them to. Just because Jimin loves Namjoon doesn’t mean Namjoon loves him back.
And Jimin doesn’t think he does. The other man is always writing love songs, ones that are so heartfelt and raw, so Jimin knows he must be in love with someone, and that someone isn’t him. It can’t be. Because he couldn’t possibly have something as amazing as Namjoon. He already got his wish of being an idol, he can’t have two miracles in one lifetime.
So he longs, aches, and wishes, never acting upon any of those feelings out of fear. Fear of his love, fear of rejection, fear of ruining things. Maybe in another life they could be together. Or in another universe, like the one in his dreams, Jimin could possess something as precious as Namjoon, could deserve someone as special as him. But here in this one, Jimin thinks it can’t happen. That it just wasn’t meant to be. And he will have to learn to accept that.
What he doesn’t know is that Namjoon feels the same way. And has for a long time.
Namjoon never used to believe in true love. He used to think that being with someone wasn’t necessary or even as good as everyone made it out to be. But then he met Jimin. Beautiful, lovely Jimin who turned his life upside down. His whole outlook on love and life as a whole changed after he met the younger boy. Before, Namjoon lived a rigid life, rough edges and sharp corners with no room or time for silly games like love. But when Jimin came along, eroded all his edges, ridded his life of straight lines and replaced them with beautiful curves, Namjoon thought maybe he could spare an hour or two on him. Jimin made him slow down his fast-paced life, stop and smell the roses for once and enjoy the little things in life. The little things like how Jimin sometimes squeaks if he laughs too hard, or balls his fists when he’s excited about something. How he furrows his eyebrows when reading the lyrics Namjoon shows him, or bites his thumb nail when concentrating. All the little things about Jimin are what Namjoon likes to focus on the most. And it’s the little things about him that made Namjoon fall in love with him.
Namjoon never wanted or planned to be in love. He thought it was a chore and a waste of time, but Jimin made him realize that being in love wasn’t as bad as he thought. Through Jimin, he came to learn that love makes you happier, and that loving someone makes you want to be a better person. Now, Namjoon thinks life should be about loving, and that love is something everyone should experience. Love isn’t a chore, doesn’t drag you down or weigh heavy on your shoulders. It isn’t forced either. To Namjoon, loving Jimin is the most natural thing in the world. It feels like he was born to do it, like it was his destiny. He lives to love Jimin, but can’t seem to find the right words to tell him that.
So he doesn’t, keeps the fact that Jimin gives meaning to his life, brightens his darkest days, is his one and only desire, to himself. He only lets out little pieces of it when it gets too much to hold in. He writes all the words he wishes he could say to Jimin in songs, and hopes it’s not too obvious he’s talking about the younger boy. Because as much as he wants to be with him, as much as he feels like they were destined to meet, deep down Namjoon is afraid. Not only is there the possibility that Jimin doesn’t feel the same way, but they also have eyes on them at all times. Ones that judge and criticize, ready to tear someone apart at the first opportunity they see. He doesn’t want that, doesn’t want to do that to Jimin. Even if Jimin felt the same way, how would they have a relationship under so much pressure? How could they love each other and avoid the public eye? In secret, only allowed quick glances and discreet touches when no one is looking? That would be as if they weren’t together at all.
And if Namjoon confessed and his feelings weren’t mutual, or if they tried to be together and it didn’t work, what would happen then? Things would be awkward, their relationship left strained, making it hard to work together. And that can’t happen. He has to keep their careers in mind. So no matter how much he longs for Jimin, no matter how badly he craves to be the one the other boy loves, he can’t do anything about it. Not now, and maybe not ever. He loves Jimin too much to risk anything going wrong. Loves him too much to jeopardize everything they have worked for, that Jimin has worked for, over a selfish reason like his own desires. So he will stay longing, stay hiding, forever if he must. Whatever he has to do to keep things the way they are now.
He doesn’t regret loving Jimin or even want to stop loving him. He just thinks it’s not the right time, or not the right timeline. Maybe in another life, another universe, they could be happy together, but here in this one, Namjoon thinks it wouldn’t work.
Maybe one day they’ll stop being afraid, stop hiding and let their feelings show. And when they do, they’ll see there was nothing to be afraid of after all. That they can love each other like they wanted to. Because their love was written in the stars, since the beginning of time. In every lifetime and in every universe, they were meant to be. It was only a matter of time before they adhered to their fate, their destiny, and loved one another like they wanted to, like they were made to do. And then, they will be free.