Work Text:
It was the letter she hoped he would never have to read.
But after tossing and turning for what felt an endless amount of time, she gave up her attempts of sleep in the early hours of the night, and slipped out of bed. After popping her head into his room to check on him, she made her way downstairs to the kitchen. There she boiled the kettle and sat at the dining table, wrapping her dressing gown tighter around herself in some tiny form of comfort. Then she summoned her best quill and some parchment, and she began to write what had been plaguing her mind all day.
Dear Harry,
I hope with every fibre of my being that you’ll never had to read this.
Or if you do, hopefully it will only be because I’ve chosen to give this to you, and we’ll get to laugh together about how over dramatic I’ve been.
I’ve sat down to write this on the night of your first birthday. Twenty years from now you’ll be twenty-one, which just completely blows my mind. Twenty years is a life time away, and it just doesn’t seem real that you could ever be the age that your dad and I are now.
I wonder what’s happened in those twenty years. Will you have siblings? Will you still live in Godrics Hollow? Will you have chosen a career, and be making a path towards it? Will you perhaps even have started a family of your own? It really is incredible and overwhelming to think of all the possibilities that life has in store for you.
If this letter has reached you, it’s likely because me and your dad haven’t been able to spend all of those twenty years with you. No words could justify to you how sorry I am for that.
But there is no one else in the world we’d trust to care for you more than your godfather, and I’m sure that he’ll have raised you with lots of stories about your dad. I can only imagine the things you’ve heard – I’d guess I’m not even aware of a lot of them!
I thought I’d share with you some things I’d like you to know, just in case I never get chance to say.
You will have of course grown up in the magical world, so my experiences were very different to what yours will be. Honestly, the shock when I first found out I was a witch! It wasn’t a term I was particularly fond of at first, I’ll admit. But I instantly LOVED magic. My mum and dad took the news shockingly well, and loved to hear everything I’d learnt when I came home for holidays. Oh Harry, I’m so sad they never got to meet you – they were without doubt two of the very best people on this earth, and they would have adored you. Your grandad Michael was an electrician, and your grandma Ivy was a dressmaker. Their faces when I could suddenly fill a room with light, or re-hem a skirt with just a flick of my wand! We both inherited our green eyes come from your grandad too, just in case you didn’t know. I have a sister, your Aunty Petunia, though she on the other hand was never a fan of magic at all. She’s not a fan of much, to be honest. I’d like to hope she’s someone you could reach out to if you ever wanted to find out more about your family, but in all honesty, I don’t know if her reaction would be a warm one. Never mind – one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that family doesn’t necessarily mean blood.
I’m really pleased you’ll grow up around magic, and knowing who you are. But I’ve made Sirius promise to introduce you to some muggle traditions on my behalf, so I really really hope he has. I hope you know who Father Christmas is, I hope you learned to ride a bike, I hope you’ve been to watch films in the cinema, I hope you’ve celebrated bonfire night, I hope you’ve had the excitement of going on an airplane. These were all things that brought magic to my life in a completely different way, so I’d love to share some of that with you.
I had a great childhood, but Hogwarts was a million times better. It’s an odd thing to explain, since I’d never known anything about it, but I suddenly felt I was where I was always meant to be.
I met my best friend, Marlene McKinnon. Oh, the things we got up to at school! She was almost as mischievous as your dad and uncle Sirius. Please ask him to tell you about her, if he hasn’t already! Right now it’s still a little painful for me to say much about Marlene, but at least you and her got to enjoy lots of cuddles before she was taken from us. She had the best knack for getting you to sleep.
I also met your dad at school, of course. I’d absolutely love to know what Sirius has told you about this – let’s just say ours wasn’t your traditional love story! I used to think he was a bit of toerag, if I’m completely honest, he used to drive me up the wall. I genuinely think he made it his mission to break every rule possible, and I spent a long time thinking that meant he was trouble with a capital T.
But as we got older, I realised how wrong I was. In the end it was actually me who asked your dad out, which he still loves to tease me about. But I was crazy about him even by then. Then he took me on the most amazing first date ever, including a walk along the Cornish coast (whilst we were at school! Obviously it had to somehow be something against the rules, but he never does things by halves and is very imaginative, your dad) and I was smitten. Your dad is the most selfless and loyal person I know, has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met, he is ridiculously clever and makes me laugh every single day. He’s always known his own mind, knew what he wanted in life and never wavered from that. I could not have chosen anyone better. We may have had a rocky start, but I wouldn’t change a minute of it – we have such a laugh over those memories. I do hope you look like him – I always thought he was the best-looking boy I’d ever seen, even when I wasn’t particularly fond of him! Though when you came along, he immediately moved to second place of course.
I left school with plans to be medicinal potioneer; potions was always my favourite subject, and I wanted to specialise in medicine. But the timing just wasn’t right. Instead I joined the fight for The Order, alongside your dad and lots of our friends. It’s been a crazy few years since, but I don’t regret the decision for one minute.
Being in a war makes you realise time is so precious. So, we got married quite quickly. It was the most perfect day, and I’m so pleased your grandad Flea and nanny Effy got to be there. I’m sure Sirius will have told you all about your dad’s parents, and they really were the most incredible people. It’s so unfair you didn’t get to meet them too, I know you would have been their world.
Your dad and I have the most wonderful, boundless, heart bursting, make-our-friends-sick kind of love. I honestly didn’t think it was possible for us to be happier, but you proved us wrong. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m thankful every day for you.
You’ve given us the best year of our lives, brought light that we didn’t even realise was missing. I can’t ever articulate how much I love you – from the depths of the deepest ocean to the furthest star in the galaxy, just skims the surface of how I feel. We love you more than life itself.
I hope more than anything that you’re happy. I hope you’ve grown up in a world free from prejudice, free from fear, free from pain. I hope it’s not a world as divisive as the one we’re living in right now. I hope you’ve had fun, and laughed a lot. I hope you have great friends - we have the very best group of friends Harry, they really are our family. We would (in fact, we literally have) trust them with our lives. I hope you’re kind. I hope you’ve found things that you’re passionate about. I hope you’ve had a life full of love. I hope you’ve found your special someone (but if you haven’t that’s ok too obviously, you’re still very young). I hope you’ve travelled to incredible places. I hope you’ve seized every opportunity.
Your dad has told me a few different hopes he has for you too… Most of them seem to centre around Quidditch! But he also hopes you have a thirst for adventure (as he certainly does), and that you’re never afraid to stand up for what you believe.
Happy 21st birthday, my beautiful boy.
If you are reading this without us, I’m so sorry we’re not there to share it with you. I wish you the most incredible day. Hopefully you’re less hungover tomorrow than I was the day after my 21st, because that certainly was NOT a great day (I’m adamant you cried more often and louder that day than you ever have before).
With all my heart
Mum xxx
PS. I love you. Until the very end.
So caught up in her memories and thoughts of the future, she didn’t realise she was crying until she’d finished writing. As soon as she registered the tears slipping down her cheeks, sadness washed over her in a wave.
She set down her quill with a trembling hand, and just as she was about to succumb to her fears, to delve deeper into the dark thoughts of what was potentially to be, she heard footsteps.
She glanced up to see James ambling into the doorway of the room, evidently still half asleep. Clad in only his boxers, one arm stretching up over his head whilst the other rubbed sleep out of one eye, he still managed to look at her with concern.
“What are you doing?” he asked gently.
She didn’t respond straight away, but looked down at what she had been writing.
He moved soundlessly across the room, coming up to stand behind where she sat, and caressed her shoulder whilst he looked at the papers spread on the table.
Her tears suddenly came again then, and she sniffed a few times to prevent a sob.
“Oh baby,” he whispered, bending down and pressing a kiss the crown of her head. “Shhh, come back to bed.”
She swallowed thickly, wiping under her eyes. She ignored his latter request, and chose to answer his first question. “It’s just… a letter. For him, on his 21st birthday. Just in case.”
It was James’ turn to swallow then, and he reached to pick up the parchment with care. “Well, you won’t need a letter,” he answered firmly, after a moment.
“No I know, but…”
“Just in case,” he echoed, sounding faintly hollow as his eyes read over it.
She sat in silence as he did so, feeling better with him near, his hand still gently massaging the base of her neck.
“…You’ve told our son you thought I was a toerag?” he suddenly interrupted the quiet, affronted.