Chapter Text
A loud banging was heard, followed by a muffled voice shouting out his name. But the person inside doesn’t seem to hear it, or rather, he doesn’t want to hear it. Because of all the things that happened to him, all he felt was tiredness, emptiness. He wants to scream, to tell the world to fuck off and to leave him alone. Because he’s had enough of everything and—
“Kei please, buksan mo yung pinto.”
There it is again, the muffled voice outside his door. Is it really hard to understand the words ‘Leave me alone’ and ‘Go away’? Kasi he can’t understand why the owner of the voice is so persistent na buksan niya ang pinto. Mahirap ba talagang intindihin yon?
“Mahal, please. I’m begging you. Let’s talk this out, Kei, please.”
He tightened the hug on his pillow as he curled down on his couch. No, he doesn't want to. Kasi pagod na pagod na siya. Even thinking about anything tires him out. Para siyang kandilang dahan-dahan at unti-unting nauupos.
“Please, I’m so worried about you. Almost a week mo na rin hindi sinasagot mga tawag ko, kahit text man lang. Even kuya Akiteru is asking me about you, pero wala akong maisagot. Kei, nakikiusap ako.”
And then, there was the long silence. Akala niya the person outside already left, but he was wrong when he heard a sobbing, and then some knocking.
“Kei, mahal, please. Just let me see you. I just wanna see with my own eyes na okay ka. Magpakita ka lang sakin, promise after that aalis na ako. Just...just let me see you.”
Akala ni Kei ay wala na siyang maiiluha pa, kasi ubos na ubos na siya. But when he closed his eyes, he felt his cheeks getting wet once again. Using the collar of his shirt, he used it to wipe his tears as he walked towards the door. Para matapos na ‘to .
He opened the door and there he saw Shouyou, and their eyes locked. For a moment, his first instinct was to hug him and then move aside para papasukin ito, kasi yun naman ang lagi nilang ginagawa, pero pinigilan niya ang sarili niya. In Kei’s eyes, mukha naman itong okay. Just that, his eyes are so red from crying. He hates to see the person in front of him cry, but he hates himself more.
“Kei-”
“Sabi mo kapag nakita mo na okay ako, aalis ka na. What are you waiting for? Leave.”
Kei saw how Shouyou flinched from his words and the way he talked to him. He wanted to say sorry, he didn’t mean to say it, pero pagod na talaga siya. It took some time for Shouyou to recover his poise, the moment he did agad niyang nginitian si Kei.
“Mahal, namiss kita! Buti naman okay ka, next time nga sagutin mo naman texts or calls ko. Hindi yung wala kang paramdam, akala ko ghino-ghost mo na ako eh hehe.”
“Bakit nandito ka pa rin? Didn’t you say na kapag nakita mo ako aalis ka na?”
Kitang kita ni Kei kung paano nabuo ang mga luha sa mata ni Shouyou, pero hindi niya na lang ito pinansin. Hindi naman talaga siya ganito kay Shouyou. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. If there’s one person that Kei can tolerate, that’s Shouyou. Kaya nga sila nakatagal ng ilang taon eh. But what they had is about to end right at this moment.
“Mahal, is there a problem? Tell me, I will help you, I’m willing to listen. Please.”
But Kei is not willing to talk about it. What he wants is for all of this to end. He clenched his fists. If he’s going to end this, better to end everything this way.
He took a deep breath to calm himself, “You want to know what my problem is? My problem is you, Shouyou. You’re too much for me! I feel like you’re sucking the life out of me, nakakapagod ka! Oh ayan, okay na ba? Aalis ka na ba? Umalis ka na!”
Kei’s resolve almost crumbled the moment he saw tears running down Shouyou’s cheeks. Pero hindi, he still continued, “Let’s just end whatever this is that we have. Wala na rin namang patutunguhan ‘to.”
Shouyou shook his head as he buried his face on Kei’s chest and hugged him. He was repeatedly saying ‘No’ and ‘Please’, asking Kei to change his mind na baka pwede pa rin nila ‘tong pag-usapan dalawa. Kasi baka pwede pa rin naman ‘tong maayos, kasi ganun naman talaga sa isang relasyon ‘di ba? Minsan ay may hindi pagkakaunawaan, and talking it out helps to sort out the problem. Kaya nga lang, with them, si Shouyou na lang yung may gustong makipag-ayos. Si Shouyou na lang yung kumakapit, kasi Kei seems like he already made up his mind as he pushed Shouyou away from him.
Shouyou looked like a mess as he wiped off his own tears, and Kei stood there like the biggest asshole that he is. When Shouyou calmed down, he looked Kei straight in the eye, tapos saka ngumiti.
“Okay, if that’s what you want edi sige, mag-break na tayo. But before that, sabihin mo muna sakin na hindi mo na ako mahal. Look at me straight in the eye, and tell me you don’t love me anymore. Para pagkatapos nito, wala na rin akong panghahawakan.”
Kei was taken aback, hindi niya ito inexpect from Shouyou. A part of him was hoping na hindi ito papayag, but here they are now. And so, Kei took out all the courage he could get. Ilang beses na niya ito nakita sa mga pelikula, kaya dapat alam na niya ang gagawin.
But this is not a movie. Ito ang reyalidad ng buhay. Once he say those words, wala na talaga, tapos na talaga ang lahat ng ‘to. Pero sige, ginusto niya ito eh.
They looked each other in the eye, about a feet and a half distance between them, Kei said it, loud and clear.
“I don’t love you anymore Shouyou. Let’s end this.”
Kei felt his tears are about to fall, pero pinigilan niya ito. Kasi una sa lahat, ay wala siyang karapatan, he brought this out to himself. Dapat hindi niya ito pagsisihan, but the moment he uttered those words parang gusto niya na agad bawiin.
Shouyou only nodded, patuloy pa rin ang pagtulo ng mga luha niya, but he managed to talk some more kahit para na siyang kinakapos sa hininga.
“This will probably the last time na masasabi ko ‘to sayo ng harap-harapan. I love you, Kei. I love you so much that it hurts.”
Shouyou closed the distance between them, reached for Kei’s face and kissed him tenderly. For the last time, they shared their last kiss. The bitter taste of goodbye and the saltiness of their tears mixing together.
Si Shouyou ang unang kumawala, hurt is evident in his eyes, there’s still that smile on his face. Slowly, he walked away from Kei. The weight of Shouyou’s steps are weighing on Kei’s chest.
Kei watched Shouyou’s back as he walked away from him, from his apartment, and from his life. And that was the last time he saw Shouyou.
-
Life still goes on for Kei, kasi wala naman siyang choice. Hindi niya na itinuloy ang pagpipinta kahit simula pagkabata ay yun na ang gusto niya. But having a keen eye for designs and details was a natural talent he possessed, might as well use it. Hence, he became a wedding coordinator under his Tita’s events management business. He was notoriously good at it, making him one of the sought-after wedding coordinators out there.
Sa lahat ng mga events na nahahandle niya weddings yung pinaka nakakapagod at nakakastress. But Kei never loses his cool, he is always so calm in dealing with any alarming ordeals, last minute changes, or even unwanted guests and gate-crashers. He does not sugar-coat things, he was honest and straightforward, which made his clients love him because the outcomes are always suited to their preferences. Even though he was kind of aloof sometimes, he has an ability to handle ‘wifezillas’, as well as demanding and overbearing in-laws. Most importantly, he was professional, always making sure that he’s hands-on and that every single detail was monitored by him. He was simply the best in his career.
As he was walking around the place, one hand held a checklist of things, keeping an eye on every essential detail. He looks left and right, examining all the decorations closely, checking if everything is good and just how they were expected to be. He sighed, tomorrow’s wedding is of someone he knew so well, and he wants the said event to be perfect as much as possible because that’s the least he could do.
He was in the middle of talking to one of his staff noong biglang may tumawag sa kanya. He looked back to see his Tita Madoka, the owner of their events management business and the mother of the bride. She’s in her 50’s but despite the wrinkles and lines, she still looks gorgeous and classy. Regardless of her age, sophistication is still evident, with her hair neatly tied in a low bun, she was elegantly admirable.
“Tita,” Kei greet her with a smile, at nakipag beso-beso.
“Kei, how’s the preparation, okay naman ba? Was there a problem?”
He shook his head, “Everything is going well naman Tita, there were minimal problems but they were immediately taken care of by one of our staff.”
“Good job, as expected from you,” Madoka nodded and pats his back as she smiled widely, she was looking satisfied with how everything looked. It made Tsukishima sighed in relief, kasi out of all the people here, his Tita Madoka ang pinaka ayaw niyang madisappoint. After all, wala siya sa kinatatayuan niya ngayon if not because of her.
“Anyway, I’m going na, ha. I just came here to check on you. Pupuntahan ko na muna sila Hitoka and Shouyou.”
Ah yes, the wedding Kei’s preparing for is the wedding of his cousin, Hitoka and his ex, Shouyou. It made him laugh bitterly, what a small world.
Kei really doesn't know how it happened. Basta ang naaalala niya na lang, after not seeing Shouyou for almost five years, bigla itong susulpot ulit sa buhay niya, as his cousin’s groom to be. Of all people, bakit siya pa? Kei wants to shout at their relatives’ faces how Shouyou used to be his, and that Shouyou and Hitoka should not marry each other. Because it should be him and not her. But he is not selfish, or he doesn't have the courage to do so, kasi wala siyang karapatan.
He couldn’t take it anymore, he excused himself saying na magpapahangin muna siya sa labas kasi medyo naiinitan siya. It was a dumb excused kasi fully air-conditioned yung room. Pero kasi, hindi niya maatim kung paano i-welcome ng family nila yung dalawa. Inggit? Maybe. It could’ve been him. Para siyang nasusuffocate dahil sa mga nakikita at naririnig niya.
Kei just let his feet na dalhin siya sa kung saan, hanggang sa makarating siya sa rooftop. He pulled a stick of his cigarette, tapos sinindihan. It was nice and calming. The view from the rooftop of the city lights na buhay na buhay entertains him, tapos dagdagan pa ng malamig na ihip ng hangin tsaka ng usok ng sigarilyo. It made his mind get rid of the thoughts he had earlier. He’s enjoying the view in front of him, at hindi niya na namalayan na he’s not alone anymore. Napansin niya lang na someone else is with him nang may biglang umubo at nagsalita.
“Didn’t know you smoke, I thought you hated the smell of it.”
Kei looked to where the voice came, napataas ang kilay niya when he saw who it was.
“People change, Shouyou. A lot has happened that you don’t know.”
“Yeah, but I’m glad you’re doing good”
“Likewise.”
After five years, that was the first conversation they had. And before Kei could say any more stupidity, he chose to close his mouth and silently walk away kasi ganon naman talaga siya. He will always choose to walk away from things na hindi niya kayang i-handle.
He was only pulled out of his reverie when a staff called out his attention notifying him na okay na raw yung ipinapaayos niya kanina. He only nodded, tapos nagpaalam na he’ll take a rest muna. Sinabihan niya ito na tawagan agad siya kung sakali mang magkaroon ng problema na hindi nila agad agad masosolusyunan, which the staff agreed to.
Kei was walking aimlessly nang mapadpad siya sa may beach front. Medyo palubog na yung araw which made the surrounding much more appealing to the eyes. He remembers how Shoyou used to say na beach wedding ang gusto niya kapag ikinasal sila. It’s just funny and ironic that now, it’s Kei that’s planning Shouyou's wedding with someone else that’s not him.
He sat there, looking afar. Traydor talaga ang mga alaala, Kei should know it by now. It will only remind you of the things you could’ve had, and make you think about all the ‘what ifs’. But Kei can’t help it. Paano ba ‘to, ni hindi niya nga mabura sa sistema niya si Shouyou. Even the hue of the setting sun reminds him of his hair.
Napangiti na lang siya sa sarili niya when he felt someone sitting not far away from him. Kahit noon pa man, Shouyou always knows when to show up. Alam niya rin lagi kung saan dapat pumunta. Palagi na lang ‘tong sumusulpot, in an unexpected place and unexpected time.
“Sabi mo dati, you’re always willing to listen to anything I want to talk about. Are you still willing to listen, Shouyou?”
Yun pa lang ang nasasabi niya, but Kei can already feel the heat on the corner of his eyes, na para bang warning ng mga nagbabadyang luha niya. He looked to where Shouyou was, not so far from him, looking so ethereal as the warm hue of the sunset compliments his features more, especially his hair. Shouyou looks at Kei like he’s the only thing he could see, buong attention nito ay naka-focus lamang kay Kei.
Isang marahang pagtango at ngiti muna ang isinagot sa kanya ni Shouyou, “I’m always willing to hear whatever you want to talk about Kei.”
“I don’t know where to start, kasi kahit ako, hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari. Back then, I was at the top of my career. I had a bright future ahead of me, all of my works got recognition. Most especially, I had you. Sorang complete na ng buhay ko, until it wasn’t anymore.”
Tumigil muna si Kei para huminga, pakiramdam niya kahit sobrang tagal na it’s still suffocating him. He can still feel Shouyou staring at him, naghihintay, nagaabang sa kung ano pa ang sasabihin niya. Mahaba pa rin ang pasensya niya kagaya dati.
“Do you still remember the international exhibit na matagal kong pinaghandaan before? The one I was so excited about, halos araw-araw kong nababanggit sayo yun, diba?” Nagsimula nang maiyak si Kei, kasi naalala niya na naman how everything went down the drain noong mga panahong yon. “That event will seal the deal. Ga-graduate ako as Summa ng batch, tapos I can also present my works sa isang international fair abroad, I was so ready but shit happened Sho. I was accused of art plagiarism. And it cost me everything I have, my scholarship, my career, my future, and you.” He paused. “Then ngayon, heto na lang ako. Tangina, nakakatawa ako, nakakaawa.”
Malayo ang mga tingin ni Kei, pero patuloy sa pagtulo ang mga luha niya. These are all the feelings he bottled up during all those years. Parang isang sugat na hinilom ng panahon na muli lang nabuksan. He is crying hard, so hard that he’s almost out of breath.
“Tangina Kei, bakit hindi mo sinabi sakin?” Shocked was evident sa boses ni Shouyou.
“Para saan pa? May babago ba kung sinabi ko sayo?”
Shouyou moved closer to Kei, held both of Kei’s shoulders para iharap ito sa kanya, “Meron!” Nanginginig nitong sagot, “I could’ve helped you. Kasi I was supposed to be there for you. Dapat andun ako nun kasama ka!”
“At ano? Maging pabigat para sa’yo? You’re graduating that time too! Anong gusto mong gawin ko? Isama kita sa pagbagsak ko?” Umiiyak na sagot ni Kei, just the thought of him dragging Shouyou down pains him, lalo pa at nakikita niya na rin itong umiiyak ngayon.
Napahilamos si Shouyou sa mukha niya out of frustration, “Oo! If that’s what it takes para hindi ka mawala ayos lang sakin. Kasi Kei, all that matters to me is you, only you. But you chose to push me away. Itinulak mo ako palayo, Kei. Pinaalis mo ako sa buhay mo.”
“Kasi yun ang dapat, Shouyou!”
Shouyou shook his head to show that he disagreed habang patuloy pa rin ang pag-iyak niya, and then he pulled Kei to a hug, “Dapat hindi mo yun ginawa, Kei. If I were to suffer, okay lang kasi kasama naman kita.”
Feeling Shouyou’s warmth for the first time in years made Kei cry even more. Kasi namiss niya ito, the warmth, the comfort, and how he feels so secure basta kasama niya si Shouyou. But no, nagpupumiglas siya, while pushing Shouyou away. “Get off me!”
“No, please Kei, huwag. Don’t push me away again.”
It made Kei weak, his resolve crumbling down. He leaned on Shouyou’s shoulder, and there, he found his solace, the one he used to call his home and he cried his heart out. Both of them were so pained, too broken, as they cried on each other’s shoulders.
The years they’ve been apart was nothing now that they have each other again in their arms, but Kei had to remind himself na temporary lang ‘to. Shouyou isn’t his to hold anymore, and he has to stop this before things get worse.
Noong pakiramdam niya ay parehas na silang kalmado, he tried to push Shouyou again but gentler this time, “Let me go Shouyou, tama na. Matagal na tayong tapos.”
Lalong humigpit ang hawak ni Shouyou kay Kei, begging him not to push him away anymore, “How am I going to let you go now that I have you here again? Sabihin mo sa akin, Kei.”
Pakiramdam ni Kei ay maiiyak na naman siya, tanginang buhay ‘to.
“Please don’t be stupid, you’re about to get married with my cousin tomorrow. Bitawan mo na ako, pakiusap!”
“No, no please.” Shouyou let go of Kei only to cup his face. “Kei, just tell me you still love me. Sabihin mo lang, I can stop all of this. Just tell me the words, please.”
Shouyou said, pleading his heart out, and Kei is almost, almost tempted to accept the offer.
“Tanga ka ba? Ano sa tingin mo ang mukhang ihaharap ko sa pamilya ng taong tumulong saakin nung mga panahong walang wala ako? Please Shouyou, wag mo na akong pahirapan. Kahit sabihin ko mang mahal pa rin kita, wala na rin namang mangyayari. This is our reality. There’s nothing we can do.”
Nagsimula nanamang tumulo ang mga luha sa mata ni Shouyou, “Hindi ko maintindihan. Bakit, Kei? Bakit ang dali-dali lang sayo na isuko ako?”
“Kasi ikaw lang ang meron ako, Shouyou.”
Kei cupped Shouyou’s face, wiped his tears using his thumb. Pinagkatitigan niya ito ng matagal, kasi this would be the last time na magagawa niya ito. Kei smiled, the Shouyou he is holding now is still the Shouyou he held years ago. Hindi siya nawala, he’s still here.
“Mahal kita, Shouyou. Pero mas mahal ko ang pamilya ko. I can’t just let my family get hurt because of my selfishness. Isa pa, you’ll be happier with her. You can build a family with her. So please, let me go and don’t do anything that will hurt Hitoka.”
Kitang-kita ni Kei kung paano gumuhit ang sakit sa mukha ni Shouyou. Parang pinipiga ang puso niya. But this has to be done, parang kagaya lang nung dati. Ang kaibahan lang ay wala na talagang susunod, hanggang dito na lang silang dalawa.”
Huli na rin naman, Kei lets himself surrender. He leaned down, closed his eyes and pressed a chaste kiss on Shouyou’s forehead. One last time.
-
Hindi alam ni Kei kung paanong nakarating siya ng matiwasay sa sariling niyang room. He can still feel Shouyou’s warmth, pero unti-unti na itong nawawala, until he can’t feel it anymore. And there at the corner of his room, muli na naman siyang umiyak. Baka nga ganito na lang talaga ang buhay niya. Unlike the first time he broke up with Shouyou, this feels so real, so painful, and heart-wrenching. Kasi simula bukas, wala na talaga siyang panghahawakan.
When he calmed down, huminga siya nang malalim. He got up, at kinuha ang laptop niya. Matagal niya na ‘tong pinaghandaan, pero hindi niya in-expect na magiging ganito kaaga.
Inhale. Exhale.
Muling huminga nang malalim at saka binuksan ang kanyang laptop, opened a docs file. As he type his resignation letter, iniisip niya rin kung ano ang magiging reaction ng tita niya. Muntik pa nga niyang i-delete lahat eh. Pero ipinagpatuloy niyang muli, he has done enough of thinking about others. He already made his decision, and this wedding will be the last wedding he’ll ever organize. Kasi simula ngayon ay sarili niya naman ang uunahin niya.
Kei spent the night na hindi natutulog. Pagkatapos ng kanyang resignation letter, he sent the email to his tita agad-agad. Para siyang nabunutan ng tinik sa dibdib. And his heart felt lighter now.
Sunod niya namang ginawa ay kumuha ng panulat at papel. Akala niya tapos na siyang umiyak pero hindi pa pala, kasi while writing his letter for Shouyou patuloy rin ang pagtulo ng luha niya. He let them flow, hindi niya ito pinigilan o pinunasan man lang. Wala na rin siyang pake kung magka-smudge man ito at hindi na mabasa nang maayos. Kasi hindi rin naman siya sure kung makakarating itong sulat niya sa dapat nitong paroonan. Basta all he knows is that he will write whatever he feels. He’s going to let himself free by expressing how he feels.
The night he spent crying was evident in his face. But no one asked him about him, which he is thankful for. Ayaw niya naman maging agaw eksena sa kasal ng iba. Kei did his job just as he did with the previous ones. Hands on pa rin siya, making sure na walang magiging problema at magiging smooth ang flow ng ceremony. He’s still hurting, kaya ginugol na lang niya ang lahat ng kanyang atensyon sa mga dapat niyang gawin. Last niya na ‘to, might as well get the most out of it. He also saw his family, his Kuya Akiteru was looking at him intently na para bang may alam ito sa nangyari. Hindi na lang niya masyadong pinansin, may mamaya pa naman.
Once Kei heard the bell that signifies the beginning of the ceremony, he started to take a step away from everyone and everything that is hurting him. This may be the end for Shouyou and him, but the end can also mean a new beginning.
Malaya ka na.