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Lan Zhan is waiting.
He is six years old. He knows he’s breaking a rule — Shufu told him not to come. He doesn’t care: he wants to see A-Niang. Maybe she’ll open the door this time.
It’s starting to get dark already. Lan Zhan has been kneeling here since morning, foregoing lunch and dinner. Seeing his mother is more important to him than food. She didn’t open her door last time, but maybe this time, she will. Lan Zhan was especially good — he’s been studying extra hard. He’s not broken any rules except the one he’s broken today. He knows A-Niang will be proud of him; there’s no reason for her not to open her door to see her son.
Lan Zhan can feel raindrops hitting his scalp. His knees are aching, and he can’t feel his calves and feet anymore. Still, he keeps on kneeling amongst the gentians as the sky gets darker and the day fades to black, waiting for his mother to let him inside her house.
He knows that Shufu and Xiongzhang will arrive soon to collect him, as they always do. Lan Zhan still doesn’t move, desperate for as much as a glimpse of his mother. It is getting really late. The rain is growing heavier; so does the heaviness in Lan Zhan’s heart.
Just when he’s about to give up, he can hear the door of the Jingshi creak open.
“A-Niang?” Lan Zhan calls, his voice small from exhaustion but dripping with hope.
The door reveals…darkness. Instead of his mother’s loving features, there’s only the dark waiting there for him. It seems to extend past the threshold, reaching for him with greedy arms. It claws at his robes, pulls his hair, tries to drag him into its gaping mouth.
Lan Zhan screams his mother’s name for help, but no one answers.
***
Lan Wangji’s eyes snap open. His vision is unfocused, and he’s gasping for air. His heart is thundering in his chest. It takes him a moment to realise where he is — he is not six but almost sixteen years old, and he is inside the Jingshi, in his bed.
Everything should be alright, yet everything feels wrong.
Lan Wangji sits up. His head is spinning. His stomach is in knots; he feels as if he’s going to be sick. He barely makes it to his washbasin where he stores his chamber pot before he dry heaves into it.
He tries to wash out his mouth with some water, but his fingers are trembling so much that he spills most of it. Air, he thinks. Maybe fresh air will help.
His legs are trembling just as much as his hands. It’s difficult to stand, even harder to walk. He does make it to the door; he doesn’t know how he manages to push it open. It feels unbearably heavy as if he was trying to push aside a boulder. The door creaks open, and the cold night air whips against his face.
Lan Wangji’s heart is hammering so rapidly that he fears it might burst. He feels like he’s suffocating; as if the breaths he’s frantically trying to take get lost on their way in and never reach his lungs. He feels tears running down his face.
Is this how A-Niang felt before she passed? he catches himself thinking. I am dying, am I not?
Fear envelops him, digs its sharp nails into his heart and mind. He slumps against the door, panting and crying, unable to call out. Who would hear him anyway? It’s past curfew; the Cloud Recesses are already asleep.
Lan Wangji is going to die, alone, just like his mother did before him.
***
It’s a clear moonlit night in the Cloud Recesses, and Wei Wuxian has no idea where he is.
He’d snuck out to Nie Huaisang’s guest quarters to share some quality time — and quality liquor — with him and Jiang Cheng. Of course they had disregarded curfew, as they usually do, but Jiang Cheng insisted they’d go to bed since they have early lessons the following morning.
It should be for Wei Wuxian to find his way back to his quarters. He’s not exactly directionally challenged, but he’s been distracted by strange bird sounds and followed the call for a bit, effectively leading him off the path he was meant to follow. If only Huaisang was here; he could tell him what kind of bird that is, if it even is a bird.
He doesn’t find the bird. Instead, Wei Wuxian finds himself in an unfamiliar part of the Cloud Recesses. He stands there, taking in his surroundings. It’s a beautiful night, so if he doesn’t find his way back he could easily sleep in one of the meadows, but he’d still prefer his bed, if possible. He’s looking for clues as to which way to go, turns around, and notices the gate with the house behind him.
“Huh”, We Wuxian goes. He’s not planning on waking anyone up in the house — that would only get him in trouble — but since he’s already here, it wouldn’t hurt to look around.
With careful quiet steps, he passes the gate and walks onto the stone path leading up to the house. It’s quite spacious, with a deck in front of it. The meadows surrounding it are dotted with the remnants of blue flowers, now faded and dried in the summer sun. They must look beautiful in spring, Wei Wuxian thinks, as he makes his way up the path.
He doesn’t notice right away that the door to the house is open as he approaches the steps leading onto the deck, but when Wei Wuxian catches a flash of white leaning against the doorframe, he flinches.
Oh no, he thinks. I’m not gonna be able to talk myself out of this, and I really don’t want to —
Wei Wuxian cuts off his thoughts. The figure in white isn’t standing but is huddled against the doorframe. They’re trembling, their breath laborious and shallow, as if they were having difficulty breathing. Their cheeks are stained with tears, their hands balled into fists on the floor, digging into the soft flesh of their palms.
Wei Wuxian has never seen Lan Wangji in his sleep clothes, barefoot, with his hair loose, and without his forehead ribbon, but he recognises him instantly.
He’s also never seen Lan Wangji in such distress before. It breaks his heart.
Lan Wangji is stoic and calm, reserved even. Wei Wuxian had thought him to be cold at first, but he’s on a mission to get him to warm up to him. Wei Wuxian is absolutely loveable, and no matter how cold Lan Wangji acts in his presence — the truth is: Wei Wuxian likes him. He doesn’t even know why, but he really likes Lan Wangji. He's convinced there's warmth under Lan Wangji's icy surface. Wei Wuxian has seen flashes of it when Lan Wangji thought he wasn't looking.
He doesn’t hesitate before setting foot onto the deck, but he’s careful, keeping his movements measured. He doesn’t want to startle Lan Wangji. Slowly he crouches down next to him.
“...Lan Zhan…?” Wei Wuxian calls quietly, softly.
It takes Lan Wangji a few moments to react. His eyes are unfocused, misty with tears, and filled with a panic that is so uncharacteristic for Lan Wangji that it makes Wei Wuxian physically sick. Lan Wangji’s gaze lands on Wei Wuxian. He looks like he needs a minute to realise who’s in front of him.
Just for a second, he freezes.
“Yeah, it’s me, Wei Ying!” Wei Wuxian says, pointing at himself for emphasis. He knows he sounds silly, but whatever’s happening to Lan Wangji, he’s not sure if he’s able to fully recognise him at this point.
“Can you...can you talk?” Wei Wuxian asks.
Lan Wangji shakes his head. He seems to be unable to stop crying.
“That’s okay, you don’t have to say anything,” Wei Wuxian explains, and takes a good look at him. The shaking body, the shortness of breath, the fear painted on his face —
Wei Wuxian knows what this is. He reaches out on instinct, but his hand stills mid-air.
“Lan Zhan, is it alright if I touch you?” he asks, gently. Usually, Wei Wuxian wouldn’t be so shy about touching him. He knows that Lan Wangji doesn’t like being touched, and Wei Wuxian has already gotten better at reigning in his own desire for physical touch whenever he’s in Lan Wangji’s vicinity, even if he sometimes still slips up and reaches for him. Right now, he knows that he has to be extra careful.
Lan Wangji doesn’t answer right away. He seems to consider Wei Wuxian’s offer, but it takes him so long to either nod or shake his head that Wei Wuxian thinks he overstepped with the offer and goes to withdraw his hand —
Lan Wangji grabs a fistful of Wei Wuxian’s sleeve and doesn’t let go.
“Ah,” Wei Wuxian goes. “It’s alright, I’ll stay with you.”
With measured movements, he gets even closer to Lan Wangji.
“It’s a nice night; do you think you can stand? We could walk a bit until you feel better.”
Lan Wangji looks at him again. His breath is still laboured, but it comes a tiny bit slower, Wei Wuxian notices. At last, Lan Wangji nods. He still doesn’t let go of Wei Wuxian’s sleeve.
Lan Wangji is unbalanced on his legs when he stands. He clutches at the doorframe, and Wei Wuxian reaches out and grabs his arm to steady him.
Lan Wangji lets him.
“Alright, there we go,” Wei Wuxian prattles on. “We’re just going to walk a bit — not too far, just to get a bit of air. I’ve heard an interesting bird call before, maybe we’ll hear it again? I’m sure Huaisang could tell me what kind of bird this is. He knows so much about them, it’s amazing! But since you live here, maybe you can tell me more about it tomorrow after lessons?”
Wei Wuxian knows that he’s babbling. In fact, he’s doing it on purpose.
He sometimes gets like this, too. When he has nightmares of his time on the streets and the dogs get him in his dream and he wakes up convinced he won’t survive the night. When Madam Yu has a particularly bad day and punishes him harder than usual. When he has an extra bad fight with Jiang Cheng. When he practices sword forms too hard, for too long.
He doesn’t know what caused this for Lan Wangji, but based on the fact that it’s past curfew and Lan Wangji is in his sleep clothes, he deduces that he had a terrible nightmare, leaving him in a state of absolute panic.
Wei Wuxian knows that mindless chatter distracts him when he’s in such a state and helps him to calm down, so he tries to do the same with Lan Wangji. He’s keeping a close eye on him, ready to change tactics as soon as he notices that what he’s doing is being counterproductive.
Finally, Lan Wangji takes a few tentative steps, still steadied by Wei Wuxian’s careful hands, his own hand still holding on to Wei Wuxian’s sleeve. Slowly, they descend the steps leading from the deck to the stone path.
Wei Wuxian doesn’t take him far. Instead, they walk through the meadows surrounding Lan Wangji’s house. Wei Wuxian keeps on talking. He tells Lan Wangji about his day, about the trip down to Caiyi Town he’s planning on taking soon when they have an afternoon off. He wants to find a gift for Shijie, something that will remind her of their time here in Gusu. She deserves something pretty, he tells Lan Wangji. Maybe he wants to come with him and help him pick something? Lan Wangji has good taste, Wei Wuxian is sure he would pick something nice for Shijie.
Eventually, after what feels like an eternity, Lan Wangji’s breathing calms down even more. His steps become steadier; his hands are less shaky. He lifts a hand to wipe at his face.
Wei Wuxian glances at him. “Would you like to go back inside?” he asks.
Lan Wangji nods, and slowly they make their way back to the deck, up the steps, and inside the house.
Were the circumstances different, Wei Wuxian would be all over Lan Wangji’s space to get a good look at it. He’s certain Lan Wangji would have never allowed him inside otherwise, and he hovers for a second at the door, but Lan Wangji doesn’t let go of his sleeve, all but dragging him inside of his quarters.
As gently as he can, Wei Wuxian steers Lan Wangji in direction of the bed and urges him to sit down. With a flick of his wrist and a spark of spiritual energy, he lights a few candles so they won’t have to sit in complete darkness. He takes Lan Wangji’s blanket and drapes it over Lan Wangji’s shoulders.
“It was pretty cold outside, you must be freezing,” Wei Wuxian says. “I am going to make you some tea to warm you up.”
Lan Wangji nods.
“You…may have to let go of my sleeve for me to do that,” Wei Wuxian points out.
Lan Wangji hesitates.
“I won’t leave, I’ll be just over there, see?” Wei Wuxian says in a soothing tone, gesturing in the general direction of the teapot.
Reluctantly, Lan Wangji untangles his fingers from Wei Wuxian’s sleeve and watches as Wei Wuxian heats up the water with a talisman, pours the steeped tea into a cup, and brings it over to Lan Wangji’s bed.
“Here,” he says, holding out the cup to Lan Wangji, who takes it, and drinks the tea in slow, measured sips.
Wei Wuxian sits down next to him on the bed.
“Would you like me to go and fetch your brother, or your uncle?” he offers. He isn’t too keen on waking either of them, since it would mean punishment for being out after curfew, but if Lan Wangji needs his family, he’ll do it without hesitation.
Lan Wangji shakes his head.
“…Wei Ying,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper, slightly hoarse from crying.
“Mmmh?”
“Thank you.”
Wei Wuxian shakes his head. “Not for this, Lan Zhan. There’s no need to thank me. I know what this feels like.”
Lan Wangji looks at him, surprise in his eyes. “You do?”
“Yeah,” Wei Wuxian says. “When I am, like, unreasonably stressed and didn’t sleep enough. Or when Madam Yu had one of her worse days. Or when I had a particularly bad nightmare. It happens less these days, but I used to get like this really frequently when the Jiangs first took me in.”
Lan Wangji considers this. “Is that why you knew what to do?” he asks.
“I think so, yeah,” Wei Wuxian says. “It’s what Shijie always does. She says movement, like a short walk, and some mindless chatter to distract me from whatever’s going on do help me the best, so I tried that with you, too. I need someone to hold me close whenever it happens, but I know you don’t like being touched too much.”
Lan Wangji inclines his head in gratitude. “Xiongzhang…he means well when he finds me like this,” he tells Wei Wuxian, “but he asks me how I am feeling, or if I am having trouble breathing, and it only makes it worse for me.”
“It’s the same for me,” Wei Wuxian says. “I guess it’s different for everyone. I am glad I was able to help you, Lan Zhan. Truly.”
Lan Wangji nods and finishes his tea. Wei Wuxian stifles a yawn.
“I should go back to my sleeping quarters. You must be tired too,” Wei Wuxian states and goes to stand. To his surprise, Lan Wangji grabs his wrist, holding it tight.
“Eh, Lan Zhan? What’s wrong?” he asks, instantly worried again.
Lan Wangji avoids his gaze. “I…Wei Ying…”
He doesn’t finish his sentence.
Wei Wuxian looks at Lan Wangji’s fingers wrapped around his wrist, at his face turned away in an embarrassed, almost shy manner, and understands.
“Would you like me to stay?” he inquires.
“Please,” Lan Wangji murmurs and looks up at him.
He looks so vulnerable like that, Wei Wuxian thinks, his eyes shining and rimmed with red, his face slightly splotchy from crying, lips parted in an unspoken plea. Wei Wuxian wants to hug him, hold him close to his heart, and make sure that he’ll never have to suffer like that again.
Instead, he sits down. “Alright,” he says, “but it’s cold. We might have to share the blanket.”
Lan Wangji swallows, nods, then slowly lies down. Wei Wuxian lies down next to him, extinguishes the candles with another flick of his free wrist, pulls the blankets over both of them, and whispers: “Sleep. I am here.”
Lan Wangji turns onto his side to look at Wei Wuxian. Slowly, carefully, he tips forward and leans his forehead against Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. Under the covers, he slides his hand from Wei Wuxian’s wrist down to his palm and intertwines their fingers.
“Wei Ying. You are here,” he mumbles, exhaustion already claiming him.
Wei Wuxian lies there, very still, until he can feel Lan Wangji’s breath evening out against his collarbone. He turns his head to look at Lan Wangji and smiles.
Wei Wuxian likes him so much.
In the morning, Lan Xichen will enter the Jingshi to look for his brother who won’t show up for breakfast. He will find Lan Wangji still in his bed, fast asleep, with a sleeping Wei Wuxian beside him.
Lan Xichen will look at his younger brother, notice the bags under his closed eyes, and decide to let them sleep in, excusing them from the lectures for the day. Later, when both are awake, he will ask Wei Wuxian to keep Lan Wangji company for the remainder of the day. Lan Wangji won’t even protest.
Lan Wangji will tell Wei Wuxian that the bird he heard was probably a nightjar and that he would love to go to Caiyi Town with him to pick out a gift for his sister. Wei Wuxian will smile his sunshine smile at him, and Lan Wangji will think that maybe, just maybe, it was all worth it.