Chapter Text
“You have to let go.”
The words seemed to burrow in Severus’s mind, despite how much he wanted to forget them entirely. They played over and over like a broken record. Luckily, the sounds of others speaking helped to conceal the repeated phrase in his mind as he moved through the busy streets of London. His feet felt frozen and heavy, however; he had no idea just how long he had been walking. Knowing that he had a bit of muggle money in his pockets, he decided to stop at a café for something to drink.
It was nearly Christmas. Twinkling lights were hung up in what felt like every shop window, and holiday music was inescapable. Severus had never enjoyed Christmas. He was forced to go back home for a few weeks only to return to Hogwarts without any of the fun stories and new presents that everyone else seemed to have.
He sat facing the window, watching people as they passed by. A particular sight caught his eye, a family all bundled up in coats and scarves leaving the store across the street, carrying shopping bags. A mother, a father, and a son. Before they continued walking, the mother leaned down to fix her child’s scarf, as it was slipping off his neck and beginning to drag on the ground. After she rewrapped it for him, she kissed his forehead. Severus didn’t know why, but he felt a sharp pain in his chest, and he forced himself to look away.
“You have to let go.”
He wasn’t sure what he had expected her to say, much less what he wanted her to say. But he certainly wasn’t prepared for what he had heard. He hadn’t come back home for Christmas the past two years, finally deciding that he didn’t owe it to his mother to go through it if he didn’t want to.
This year felt different, though, and that mixture of familial duty and guilt was back. He told himself he would only stay for a few nights, long enough to tell his mother what she needed to know. She didn’t even cry. She just sat there with that mournful look on her face, like she was already prepared to hear it. The inevitable. She didn’t try to change his mind, either. After they spoke, he had packed his bags and said goodbye.
He apparated to London, hoping to clear his mind before he found his way to the Malfoy manor. He had no doubt that he if he showed up there looking as upset as he felt, Lucius would give him a lecture that would have the same sentiment as what his mother told him, more or less.
Letting go, Severus thought with disdain. It was easy for them to say it. They had happy childhoods, and they had fallen in love, and they had had good Christmases. It was different for Severus; when you’ve never been given much to hold in the first place, letting go of what you do have feels like the hardest thing in the world.
Looking around at the other patrons of the café, Severus was reminded that he didn’t hate muggles. Sure, for a long time they had been represented in his mind by his father, who had caused him nothing but misery, but he was mature enough now to see that they all weren’t as bad as he was. He wondered what was going to happen to all of them in the upcoming years. He wondered if he would find himself having to perpetrate terrible crimes against them.
He pulled up the sleeve of his jacket and looked down to his forearm. It was empty, but for a moment he felt as though it was already marked.
That would come soon, after he finished school in May. Though there were rumors at school about him and his group of friends, that they were already fully initiated Deatheaters. He knew that they were undoubtedly started by Potter and his friends, which made it clear to Severus that Lily must have heard it all by now. A part of him had hoped that she would at least try to talk him out of it, to try and save him before he made any choice he couldn’t undo. But, just like his mother, she didn’t even make the attempt. In the reflection of that knowledge, Severus could see himself how they must have seen him. Already irredeemable. There was no point to fight inevitabilities.
That sharp pain in his chest returned, and he closed his eyes tightly, overwhelmed by it all. The flash of red hair, the first sight of Hogwarts, the smell of Cokeworth in summer. Before the term ended, he had heard some Gryffindors talking in the library about how Lily and James were planning to get married after they finished school. One of them described it as “inevitable.” He finally opened his eyes and realized that his cup was empty.
“You have to let go.”
His mother had whispered it as Severus held her hand tightly, doing his best not to cry. Eventually, he did let go, but as he walked through the streets of London that night, he wondered if he had really had to.