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A gentle touch wakes you from your peaceful slumber. Light as a feather, Bucky’s warm fingers brush against your face in a delicate caress. Your eyes flutter open, and you meet with his sweet gaze. Immediately upon locking eyes with you, he smiles.
“Good morning” He mutters, using his arm that you hadn’t realized was draped over your waist, to pull you closer. He kisses you in the cheek, leaving the ghost of his smile on your skin. “Did you sleep well?”
“Like a baby” You mumble, snuggling closer against his bare chest. His warmth is all enveloping, also being the comforting and cozy as he holds you in his embrace.
“What do you want to do today, angel?” Bucky asks as he adoringly gazes at you, brushing the hair off your eyes. You’re still not over the way he looks at you, like you’re the most precious treasure in the world.
“Can we stay in bed all day?”
“I don’t know” He chuckles at your request. “We can try”
You smile and nod, satisfied with his answer. As fun and nice as it is making breakfast with him, lying down there with him feels so much better. You recall all those mornings you’ve shared, dancing together as breakfast cooks, playfully complaining when he can’t stop holding you and kissing you and distracting you from the food. There’s always lots of sleepy giggles as you help each other sober up enough to eat. As wonderful as that memory is, you’re too lazy to move.
The moment feels absolutely magical. The sun filters through the blinds on the window behind Bucky, bathing him in its light and giving him the appearance of an actual angel with a halo. The soft hubbub of live outside your apartment is familiar, and the cheerful chirping of the birds in the trees top somehow makes you happier.
The only thing that can improve upon that perfection is when Bucky tenderly presses his lips against your face. Your forehead, your eyelids, your nose, your jaw, your chin, your temple, your cheek. He finally settles on your lips and you giggle at his needy affections.
You grin, waiting to hear one of his corny lines. Maybe a simple ‘I love you’, or ‘I can’t live without you’, or any of his endless loving phrases that make your stomach squirm with butterflies. However, he doesn’t say anything.
Surprised, you open your eyes when you feel the cold emptiness in your skin as his warm lips leave you. Bucky’s brow is furrowed and his mouth is slightly agape, deep in thought. Knowing him well enough to read his thoughts through his gaze, you know something is wrong.
“What…?” You begin to ask, but a deafening noise interrupts you.
Everything happens so quickly that you barely have enough time to take it in. Firstly, you recognize the sound of gunfire. Then the front door violently bursts open. More sounds flood into the apartment. Frantic voices, yells, footsteps. Chaos. The noises mix with your startled and terrified scream as you lie there in the bed, the only thing you think of is covering your head and your ears in a pathetic attempt to protect yourself.
Bucky is one step ahead.
He moves in a flash, using his own body as a shield to protect you by lying over you. The sound of gunfire ricochets against Bucky’s metal arm, and you tense under him when you hear him groan in pain.
“Bucky!!” You exclaim, trying to wrap your head around what’s happening.
“I’m okay!” He rushes to say, even if you spot a dizzying crimson staining the sheets. “Move, move, get up!”
As soon as he says those words, he jumps to his feet and protects you with his body still as he faces his back to you. Using his metal arm to deflect the bullets, he stands his ground while he watches you with the corner of his eye.
You panic, trying to remember what to do. Just in case, and for his own sanity, Bucky has taught you many times how to act in case of emergency. This is it, but you can’t for the life of you remember what he’s told you so many times.
“What do I do?!” You hurriedly exclaim, taking cover behind the bed.
“The window!” Bucky strains as he starts throwing things to the attackers.
“What?!”
“Trust me, Y/N”
“O-Okay…”
You watch him for a few seconds while your brain catches up to that concept. It’s then when you remember, Bucky’s priority is always to get you to safety: take the closest exit, no matter how dangerous or insane it may seem. It’s better than catching a bullet. Don’t wait for me, save yourself.
His words resonate in your mind, and so you clumsily pick up a pair of shoes and put them on, then peeking over the edge of the bed when you hear the bullet shower stop.
Bucky has managed to get close enough to the door to shut it in a rush, knocking over the shelf to block it. Muffled noises come from the other side, of broken glass and frustrated screams. They are destroying the living room while they try to reach you.
“That’ll give us some time” Bucky exhales as he goes to reunite with you. “Are you hurt?”
You are shaking from head to toe, only conceiving one thought. Death may be imminent, you are being attacked and they may kill you. A stupid thought reaches you that you’re going to die in your pijamas.
“Y/N, you need to move” He urges you, using only one hand to squeeze your arm. “You know what to do, we’ve been over this”
The window… That’s what your baffled brain manages to recall. But you get distracted when your eyes land on his arm. There’s a nasty looking hole in his forearm. A dizzying red liquid gushes out of it, and you have to hold on to the bed frame not to fall.
Bucky hasn’t noticed, because he isn’t losing one second. There’s a repetitive thumping against the door as they try to tear it down. Your boyfriend only glances in that direction for a moment before returning to what he’s doing.
“Y-Your arm” You stutter as you watch him put on a t-shirt and grab another one to wrap around his wounded arm. “You’re bleeding...”
He turns to you as he tightens the tied shirt around his arm with so much intent that you wince in sympathy for his pain. Despite it all, when his eyes meet with yours they are filled with that usual kindness and softness mixed with a hint of determination.
“Don’t worry about me” Bucky shows you a smile, but you know it’s only a facade. “I’ll be okay”
You shake your head, suddenly feeling the urge to cry. The door thumping resonates in your ears, like a drum banging inside you. The reality of the situation finally settles in, and all you want to do is throw yourself to Bucky and let him hold you forever.
“Hey, look at me” Perhaps noticing this, Bucky takes your face in his hand, talking to you in a comforting whisper. “It’s gonna be okay, yeah? I got you”
“I don’t know what to do” You stutter, feeling two cold trails of tears leaving your eyes.
“The window” He patiently repeats, clutching your hand and dragging you closer to it.
“I-I can’t do it, Bucky…”
“Yeah, you can”
You try to breath as you stand there with him. He busies himself in quickly drawing the blinds and opening the window, giving you a first row view to the streets far down below you. How can you jump from that height? What’s more… how can he be so calm?! You’re mere minutes away from dying!
“I really can’t”
“I’ll help you”
“No, Bucky, I can’t...”
“You have to!”
You freeze when he raises his voice, but when you look at him you only see a look of absolute terror and concern. Knowing him, you realize it’s not for himself. It’s for you.
Even if you feel like there’s a weight on your chest that hinders your breathing, you nod and take a deep breath. Bucky’s taught you how, you know what to do. You just need to do it.
Thinking that this is absolutely crazy, you climb on to the windowsill. The traffic has never felt so loud before. A sense of vertigo fills you, tugging at your stomach the longer you stare down at the ground below you.
Just when you’re trying to convince yourself to do it, the door finally bursts open. They’re inside the bedroom. Once again, the once muffled sound of bullets turns clearly audible as it inundates the room. Wooden furniture breaks behind you, and more glass shatters as your beloved photographs are ruined.
“Jump, Y/N!” Bucky urges you, running to fight the people that threaten your life.
You want to beg for him to come with you, to keep you from jumping, to save you. He’s busy giving you enough time to help you save yourself. In any case, a tight knot has taken over your throat and any words get stuck in your tongue.
Closing your eyes, you step off the window and scream at the top of your lungs as the gravity pulls you down. Desperately, you flail your arms trying to hold on to something, anything. Nothing is in reach. The ground feels too far from you, and you fear you might not survive the fall.
Just in time, an unexpected presence nears you and a protective arm holds you up. The fall stops almost abruptly when the person holds on to the wall, causing a strident scratching sound of metal against brick as your falling speed decreases.
“No, no!” You beg them, trying to push them away as the fall, although slower, still makes you light-headed. “Please, don’t hurt me!”
“It’s me!” Bucky’s voice is like a drug, instantly filling you with relief and comfort.
The strong winds messes up your hair and your clothes, and you feel cold as shivers run up your spine. Finally, the long fall ends as you land on the ground with Bucky’s help. It is a harsh landing and your bones ache with the impact, but he steadies you when you dangerously stumble.
For several seconds, you can’t do anything. You just stand there, still shaking nervously and trying to control your breathing. All you manage is short gasps as the air refuses to enter your lungs. It isn’t until you’re rid of the noise of the attackers trying to kill you that you notice the drumming of your heart inside you, echoing in your ears and making your brain fuzzy.
“Y/N…” You’re pushed against someone, and you would have jumped if it weren’t for Bucky’s voice when he hugs you. “You’re okay… you’re okay…”
“B-Bucky…” You whine, feeling more tears reaching your eyes once the shock settles.
“You did so well” He whispers, shakily caressing your face and your hair as you collapse on his chest. “You did so well, Y/N, we’re safe now”
_
You know you’re getting curious looks, but you don’t care. You have no idea where you’re going, but you don’t care, only letting your legs carry you while your brain tries to recover from what just happened. All you care about is Bucky’s arm over your shoulders. He keeps you close to his side while he frantically guides you.
Once he feels like you’re far away enough from home, he takes you to an empty street where you can talk freely. You’re still shaking slightly, all the more when he gets his arm off you.
“You okay?” He asks, gingerly placing his hands on your shoulders not to startle you.
“Y-Yeah…” You gulp, making an effort to look into his eyes. They are drowned in concern. “Who… who were those people?”
“I don’t know…” Bucky sighs, letting go of you and averting his gaze. “But I’m The Winder Soldier, I have enemies, Y/N”
You bring your fingers to his metal hand. That arm that he despises so much, that one that is a permanent reminder of his awful past, that arm that was as much of a weapon from Hydra as Bucky was himself for them.
“You’re not the Winter Soldier, you’re Bucky” A sudden sense of confidence and focus reaches you when you read that self hatred in his expression. He can’t even look at you.
“Same thing…” His eyes are watery even as he pretends to be interested in the clouds in the sky. “Many innocent people have died at my hands”
“That wasn’t y ou! ”
“It still doesn’t change anything, it won’t bring any of them back”
“Bucky, listen to me” You hold him by the neck of his shirt, gently tugging at him to force his gaze on you. “All of that… what happened… it’s… it’s not your fault…”
Bucky dedicates you a sad smile, one you unfortunately know too well. It had been a long time since he last doubted himself like that. For three wonderful months, you had lived a normal happy life. You had been a couple, and he had given you the best days of your life. It was so hard to convince him to be with you, to let him see that you loved him enough to take the risk to put you in danger as was his biggest fear.
But now that his fear became a reality, he had returned to that distant demeanor from when you first started dating. Bucky looked away again, feeling too guilty to hold your gaze.
“You’re too good for me, Y/N” He allowed himself to glance at you as he delicately caressed your cheek, bearing that sad smile still. “You’re like an angel”
“Don’t say I’m too good for you. I told you so many times, Bucky, I’m-”
“This can’t be…” He shook his head, taking a step back and away from you. “I won’t let it happen ever again”
“I-I’ll be better next time” You forced yourself to say. A horrible restlessness nestles in your stomach. “I know I messed up, I froze, but-”
“It’s not that, Y/N… There won’t be a next time”
“What?”
“This is where we say goodbye”
It suddenly feels like a chunk of ice has replaced that unease in your stomach. Your entire being is cold, empty and numb. Your mouth falls agape as you stare at him, unable to assimilate what he just said.
Now your biggest fear is coming true. Bucky’s leaving you. You had dreaded this moment, hoping it would never come. He had said it many times, that you would be better off without him. You would be better away from the Winter Soldier and from all the awful things he had done. But Bucky is not the Winter Soldier, he’s just a victim of the terrible things Hydra did to him.
“No… Bucky, please…” You recover just enough to react, to move. “No, please… Bucky…”
Desperate, you hold on to his shirt. Your hands rest on his chest, and your eyes fight to meet with his. He doesn’t let them. Being painfully gentle, his hands wrap around your wrists to softly push you off him.
“I’m sorry, Y/N, I can’t lose you… but maybe it’s the only way to set you free”
“What does that mean?” You wait for him to answer, but he doesn’t. Hurting so much that an unexpected anger bubbles inside you, you push him a little. “Look at me! What does that mean?!”
Bucky takes a deep breath and finally makes eye contact. That look in his blue eyes tell s you everything you need to know, but he still speaks up.
“You’re constantly in danger because of me, I need to let you go”
“No… that’s… that’s my decision, I wanted to be with you no matter what”
“Y/N, you could have died”
“But you protected me”
“From the people that were after me on the first place! I need to stay away from you…”
You stand there motionlessly, gawking at him in disbelief. The anger returns, a mask of the true sorrow that your heart harbors. You push him again, and he lets you. Bucky doesn’t even try to keep you from doing it, he doesn’t even plant his feet to avoid being moved from his spot. He just takes it all without a word. You want to punch him, to shake him, to shove some sense into him. It’s all for nothing. You have the feeling that, even if he would let you hit him, none of that would change his mind.
“I have to… you can hate me if you want, I can take it. But I can’t take seeing you die, especially not because of me”
“Bucky, please…” You beg of him, urgently taking his hands. “Don’t do this, don’t push me away...”
“ I guess it was always going to end this way” That damn sad smile returns to his mouth. “ I wanted to believe so badly , but… it was too good to be true… I knew there was no hope for us… I was just lying to myself, thinking we could have a happy ending”
“We can still have a happy ending” You try, gritting your teeth when the urge to cry finally catches up to you. Your bottom lip trembles with the effort of keeping the tears at bay.
“ We can’t… but you do” Taking advantage that you’re still holding his hands, he lifts them up and kisses your knuckles. The gesture finally breaks you, forcing the tears cascading down your cheeks. “Go be happy, Y/N”
“I can’t be happy without you, Bucky…”
“You can… you have to... ”
With that, Bucky makes to leave. He’s already taken a few steps away from you, but you cling on to his metal arm. Bucky stops in his tracks, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
“Promise me, Y/N” He suddenly says, not being strong enough to look at you again. “Promise me that you will try to be happy, that you will take care and stay safe ”
You want to speak, but you don’t know what to say. Maybe if you don’t say anything, he’ll stay. Maybe he won’t be able to leave you without that promise.
But Bucky tugs at your hand when he takes another step, and you feel your heart aching. He’s determined. Bucky loves you so much that he’s willing to be away from you if that means you’ll be okay . He has accepted that a broken heart is the price to pay for your safety.
He pushes further, taking yet another step. You cling on to his metal arm, so tight that it would hurt him if it was skin and bone . Instead, your fingers feel cold against the metal and they shake with the force of your grip.
“Can I… can I at least have a kiss?” You beg, needing to hold on to something to make this nightmare more bearable. “One last kiss…”
“No…” He purses his lips, refusing to look at you again. “I’m sorry”
“You’re a jerk!” You suddenly burst out, feeling like all that deranged energy that has been simmering at the surface finally explodes. “How can you do this to me?! You’re leaving me, and you can’t even do that for me!”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that...” His voice shakes, which is a twisted solace. It’s hurting him as much as you.
“Please…” You have to take a moment, because your voice breaks and you have to quietly cry, pressing your forehead against his shoulder, as you calm down. “If you love me, I need you to do that for me. Do that one thing…”
Everything stills for several seconds. Bucky’s shoulders grow tense, and you don’t know what he’ll do. It feels like the world has stopped moving and the only stationary thing in the universe is the crazed beating of your heart.
Then, he moves so suddenly that you gasp in shock. Before you know it, Bucky has urgently wrapped both his arms around you and pressed you against him, claiming you in a passionate kiss that takes your breath away. You savor it, treasuring every second and burning every sensation into your memory.
His hands are against your back, keeping you against his chest in the most loving yet ardent embrace you had ever experienced. His mouth feels like fire against yours, burning you and filling you with a much needed warmth to suffocate that icy coldness within you. Your lips dance in harmony, enjoying the familiar feeling and touch and connecting as tough it is your souls dancing. Your eyes are tightly closed as you take him in, holding on to his shoulders for dear life when the intense kiss makes you dizzy.
You don’t know for how long you’ve kissed, you only know that you can’t breathe but it’s still wonderful. You just know that when his lips stop, they still linger against yours. You only know that he rests his forehead against yours and refuses to move his hands from your back or push you off his chest.
“Y/N…” He whispers, in an adoring way that sends shivers down your spine.
You lean back to look into his eyes, those beautiful sweet blue eyes that you know so well. Those eyes that have dedicated you so many loving gazes, that so intently peer at you and talk more for him than any words could. Even now, despite the heartbreak that is reflected in them, you can still read the devotion in them.
Bucky stares at you, indulging in the moment and stretching it out. As he imagined, he has become weak with the kiss. He lost his will. Leaving you is harder than ever, and he needs to hold you for just a little bit longer.
“Just know that I love you, Y/N” He tells you, tenderly caressing your hair, with feather light touches. Just like he had done in bed less than an hour ago. “I have never loved someone as much as I love you”
His thumb wipes your tears when they freely run down your cheeks again. It is such a delicate gesture that you shiver in his arms, closing your eyes to properly appreciate his touch.
“ I’ll look for you” You resign yourself to say goodbye, but refuse to completely give up on him. “ I-I’ll find you”
“No, you wont’” He gravely shakes his head, leaving a gentle kiss on your forehead. “I won’t let you”
You breathe in, still wondering in the touch of his lips. Even when he pulls away, even when the ghost of his kiss leaves you cold again. Hearing footsteps, you open your eyes to see him walking away for good.
“I love you, Bucky Barnes” You tell him, sadly smiling when he stops and looks over his shoulder.
“I love you, Y/N” He briefly replies, dedicating you one last genuine smile.
A sob shakes your body when he turns around and starts running, disappearing behind a corner. You stand there helplessly, unsure of what to do. All you can think about is that last kiss, that last look, that last smile. Those last words. I love you...