Archive of Our Own

The serene field of snow witnesses a silhouette of someone treading along it. Heavy, slow footsteps creating a crunching sound as the figure walks, echoed in the silence. Heaving a deep sigh the figure sits on the empty swing which sways slightly with the weight put on it, squeaking a little.
Yoongi’s eyes are unfocused, his mind in a reverie as he traces his fingers along the curves and edges of a smooth pebble he picks out of his pocket. His lips are quivering, mumbling something. Placing his head against the chain of the string he pushes the swing back and forth.

Min Yoongi woke up that day to his alarm screeching at him once again at 7 am. He takes a quick shower, changes into his work clothes while stuffing his mouth with fruits and yogurt as he rushes along because, as usual, he is running late, due to setting his alarm for the very last second, barely able to find the will to get out of bed each day. The routine etched in his biological clock.
Leaving his apartment, making sure it's locked well, he strolls to the elevator with no interest in sight and presses the button that leads to the ground floor.
The commute to the office is boring as usual. The loud talk and people didn't interest him. The whining toddler next to him is annoying the hell out of him. He was already feeling dizzy again as he didn't meet his daily caffeine quota that could keep him awake.He lays his head against the window, which jerks with the movement of the train, and heaves a deep sigh. He is tired, dragging himself every day to the office, back and forth.
Surviving was very tiring for him now. Nothing excited him. Nothing he did made him feel. Every day, this silent ride amidst the chaotic rush made him realize the emotional numbness he carried around. He didn't know what to do. His friends were helpless. His current therapist is trying their best. His medications helping him control the thoughts he had in the darkness and silence of his room when the air was heavy, and his mind was filled with a voice of himself that he hated.
"I want to live, not just survive," his low shaking whisper diffused with the air, a teardrop making its way down his cheek.

He clocks into work carrying a large coffee mug in his hand, which will be necessary to get him going until at least noon… or at least till the meeting with his boss finishes. He wants to be attentive when they explain about the new big project that their most important client has to offer and not doze off mid-discussion.

“Since this project is entirely new, and out of our domain and also that we will have to begin from scratch, we have a new member in the team,” Yoongi hears his manager speaking just as he enters the conference hall because unbeknownst to him he is late, but his manager always cuts him some slack. The boons of being efficient and productive, he knows. Yoongi catches a glimpse of the new man and reciprocates the man’s greeting with a silent nod and a smile.

“Meet Kim Namjoon everyone. And Yoongi, he will be leading the team along with you.”

"Hi, Kim Namjoon" The man, Namjoon, holds his hand towards Yoongi.

Oh, so this is the Kim Namjoon that everyone keeps talking about. The man who knows how to work his way with words.
Yoongi returns the gesture.

“It’s a pleasure to work with you and hope that we’ll meet all the requirements the client requires. The new program that is being used in this project is my domain so I hope my part in this project will be..umm.. good?.” Kim Namjoon finishes with a smile. Modest. As the one to be working alongside him as the team lead, Yoongi grabs the opportunity to introduce himself to the new member.

"Min Yoongi, a pleasure to work with you too," they shake hands, grip firm, but delicate and neat. Maybe for a moment, Yoongi loved the way his hands were held perfectly in Namjoon’s bigger ones. If the ghost of the handshake lingers in his hand for the rest of the meeting, nobody needs to know. The meeting continued for another hour with a briefing of the project, a zoom call with the client, a general discussion, and brainstorming - which was indeed a very good ice breaker. Yoongi moves next to Namjoon when their manager leaves the hall, wishing them good luck.

“Namjoon-ssi, please, I will introduce you to our impeccable team,” Yoongi leads the way.

“Oh! Namjoon is fine. And yes I would be glad.”

Time flows smoothly as Yoongi introduces Namjoon to his teammates. Amidst Seokjin’s unflattering jokes (Yoongi will never admit how much the jokes get him), Taehyung’s unprovoked love declarations for his boyfriend Jimin, and Jungkook’s miserable attempt in hiding his admiration for the new team member, Yoongi and Namjoon get acquainted quickly. For someone who sucks at having a proper conversation with new people, this was surprising for Yoongi himself.

“Everyone here is so cool, Yoongi-ssi. I love my department, but I hate the people there.” Namjoon explains his hands all over the place grabbing a small table sculpture kept on Yoongi’s table. “Well maybe except Hyejin. She is the only one that’s keeping me sane there.” Namjoon might have gone overboard with his dramatics because the sculpture is now in two pieces.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry.” His hands work faster, but rather than putting it back together he breaks it even further.
Yoongi shakes his head at his new colleague’s antics and proceeds to take away the fragments from him.

“It’s okay, Namjoon. I have been thinking of getting rid of it anyway,” and throws it into the dustbin. “Thank you,” he smiles.

“Would you like to have coffee? Namjoon?” Yoongi asks,

“Are you asking me out on a date Yoongi-ssi ‘coz I don’t think I’m dressed for the event.” Namjoon falters as Yoongi’s unimpressed look meets his gaze. “Gosh! I’m joking. And I realize I’m not good at that.”

“I can see that,” Yoongi deadpans. “Well..?”

“Of course! I would love to.” Namjoon beams.

They pick up their steaming hot coffee and decide to sit at the corner table of the cafeteria hall. With not much disturbance they sip in silence, Yoongi drifting in his thoughts.

"Fascinating isn't it?" Yoongi jerks awake from his trance when Namjoon’s question reaches his ear.

"What?"

"The steam," Namjoon says, a tiny smile tugging on his lips as he plays with the steam rising from the cup of coffee.

"It's like they are dancing their hearts out. Like the contemporary dancers do. Such intricate patterns and yet smoothly rising."
Yoongi found it rather unique how Namjoon described the steam poetically. He never paid attention to how the smoke swirled because it was of no topic of interest. To him at least. But now as Namjoon traces the movement of the rising steam with his eyes, the eyes with the sharpness of a dragon, but filled with innocence and wise gazes rather than rage and anger. Yoongi was intrigued. But he scoffs, “It's just steam.”

“It is. But only if we think it is just that.”

"Yoongi-ssi. I’m not here to give you solutions. I’m here to help you to find the solution. It's your life. Not something I must rule over." Dr. Jung smiles appreciatively. “I just want to help you get to the places you want to reach. A helping hand. I don’t lead the way, you do.”

Yoongi hums. He knows that he is wrong for thinking that maybe someone could tell him to do this, that or spoon-feed him all the things he needs to make his life stable and easier. If Dr. Jung, Hoseok, had told him ‘do this you will be happy, do that you can get rid of them’, life would have been… better. He knows that’s not how it is. It takes time, it takes energy, effort. But Yoongi is tired. And he makes sure that his therapist knows that. Maybe he can make his way out of this with sympathy? His appointments were always on Fridays and that too only once every three weeks. It is a great achievement considering he had to visit once a week in the beginning. Hoseok says Yoongi is doing good. The interval between one cycle and the other is longer and the duration of one is getting shorter. Its progress.

“And…” Hoseok raises an eyebrow and Yoongi knows what he is about to ask. He is guilty.

“Missed it for like… 8 days if you count today,” Yoongi takes in a sharp breath through his mouth ready to hear the usual

“Yoongi, I am not ordering you to lift-”

“Lift weights, just running. Get the endorphins circulating. I know, I know. You always tell me that,” Yoongi finishes for Hoseok.

“Then?”

“I just… I am trying. Need to pick it up again.” he shrugs

“Let those endorphins do their job, Yoongi.” To which he just nods.

“Doc-...” Yoongi hesitates for a moment, debating in his mind if he should continue, but opts to continue anyway seeing his doctor’s curious expression “..d-do you ever find rising steam from a coffee mug intriguing?”
Yoongi feels like an idiot for asking it and Hoseok’s expression is not helping, but the latter immediately puts a smile on his face and replies, “I am afraid not. Why do you ask?”

“Umm...there is this new guy in the office, and we had this talk over coffee, and he just started reciting verses about the steam and initially, I thought it was just stupid but some things he said…”

“Yeah?”

“Some things he said made me want to be more observant. Collect joy and happiness from every corner, you know like how drops make an ocean?” Yoongi shrugs, biting his lip.

“This new guy is interesting. And I can agree that there are a lot of small things that can bring happiness. Sometimes when we look for the bigger stuff we tend to forget what’s near us or smaller.” Hoseok nods and the fact that Hoseok resonates with his thoughts while also Namjoon’s makes him feel relieved. He was always teased for having different thoughts. Got called ‘weird’ because he enjoyed the small things in his life. He doesn’t know when it happened but at one point in his life, he stopped chasing and embracing happiness, big or small. But something in him tells him that he is about to find them again, big or small.

If a cliff could be so high this would be it, where Yoongi stood with his hands stretched, eyes taking in the altitude and beauty of the nature he was surrounded in, a smile adorning his lips. Eyes closed he breathes in the cool air and the earthy scent the mountain had to offer, surrounded in silence except the whooshing of the cold wind and the fluttering of his shirt. But then he opens his eyes when it starts getting warm. Too warm, and then it starts reeking of rotten flesh and a distinct cry is ringing in his ears. His eyes were opened to witness himself surrounded by people. Some were crying, some were screaming. People climbing up through the vines and branches down the cliff. Crawling and creeping. Their faces were disfigured and bloodied. It was too much for him. He couldn’t breathe. He was getting nauseated and his head was aching as if someone was hammering nail after nail. His breath stuck in his throat.

Yoongi snaps out of the nightmare, sitting straight up in the bed, pooling with sweat, his hands trying to grab something as he tries to suck in as much air as he could because his lungs are stubborn not to take enough in. His hands move frantically trying to grab a paper bag, his mind clouding, and vision blurring. The sudden movement pushes him out of the bed where he falls on his side on the floor. Running his hands desperately everywhere and guiding himself with almost blurry eyes and unfocused mind, he gets hold of the paper bag from the drawer next to the bed, and breathes into it. In and out and in and out.
He repeats it until he is sure that his mind cleared and that his breath has evened out. Tears brim in his eyes and a cry tries to escape his dry throat. He sits in silence, breathing heavily for another minute, bringing his knees closer to him and placing his forehead over them. He rips the paper bag lightly while he cries, snot and tears running down his face.

“No bad thoughts Yoongi, no bad thoughts,” he rocks back and forth and back and forth. The silence envelops him and he is thankful for it now as he can collect himself and clear his mind, as he tries to not yield to the bad thoughts that are trying to crawl into his brain. His phone flashes and vibrates, indicating it’s time for him to wake up. Turning it off he pads to the bathroom, gets rid of his clothes, and stays in the cold shower, wiping off the bad thoughts in him.

The office is busier than usual. Multiple projects about to hit the deadline and the new project is approved, people bustled about the building clutching onto their clipboards, files, and other paraphernalia. Yoongi is tired. After what happened in the morning he didn’t want to go to the office at all, but being in the presence of his friends and colleagues was the better option for Yoongi; rather than spending a whole day in loneliness in his apartment while his thoughts ate his brain. The silence of the night time helped him, but he is sure that more than required will only affect him adversely.

Yoongi sees Namjoon talking to Taehyung, his hands on the others gently and with care, his eyes dripping with concern and empathy. He knows what Taehyung’s been through. He can't console the younger, but he knows Namjoon will do good.

“Why didn’t you choose a profession like a therapist or a counselor; you’re wasting your time here in a cubicle,” Yoongi asks as Namjoon approaches his booth after giving Taehyung the most comforting hug, and a tap on the shoulder with a dimpled smile, which makes Yoongi’s heartstrings dance. That is new.

“I have never thought of it that way, would be the simplest way to put it,” Namjoon says, grabbing the coffee Yoongi had readied for him, taking a sip and face glowing with how good it made him feel.

“I don’t consider whatever I do as a means of ‘profession’. I like listening to people. I like knowing their stories, the things that they have seen, the places they have been, the situations they been through.” Namjoon takes a big gulp and winces when the bitterness hits him.

“Sometimes all a person needs is an attentive listener rather than someone to respond to their cries. And I know I’m a better listener than a speaker,” Namjoon smiles with a light huff of laughter.

“I doubt that.”

“My listening capability?” Namjoon’s eyebrows furrow.

“No your words. Namjoon your words hold power over anything. I’ve heard they help.”

Half the day goes by in a blur between meetings and working individually that Yoongi rushes to the restroom to take a puff of smoke he was waiting for, but didn’t have enough patience to go to the smoke room on the floor above. Also because he wanted to be alone with his cigarette.
The smoke lingered in the air, rising slowly, and Namjoon’s thoughts on smoke and their patterns hit him. He laughs it off, “Stupid”. He is surprised at someone outside the stall, Yoongi hisses at the intrusion but it’s not like a reserved restroom.

“Umm.. Yoongi-ssi?”

Namjoon.

Without waiting to give him a reply Yoongi flushes down the cigarette butt and comes out to be met by a surprised Namjoon staring at him as if he was the one caught smoking.

“You could have used the smoke room.”

“I just wanted a piece of mind and smoke in my lungs without having the trouble of socializing. I’d rather break the rules. But I guess it’s not happening now, is it?” Yoongi asks, annoyed.

“Hey.. relax!” Namjoon tries to calm Yoongi down “I didn’t mean to offend you or something, Just looking out for you, teammates and all-”

“Yes! For the project. But I’m not obligated to have a chit-chat with you outside of work.”

“Yoo-”

Yoongi storms out of the restroom leaving a flustered Namjoon back. As he stomps through the hallway, he feels bad for storming out on Namjoon like that. God, he is terrible at upgrading his circle of friends. But he is happy with his 4 friends, family if he is being honest. Seokjin and he were roommates during college and they just stuck together throughout their placements, internships, and now years of work at the office. He will commit murder for his hyung. His juniors Taehyung and Jungkook were a handful. Despite being only 2-3 years younger they brought in the energy Yoongi yearned for at dreadful times. Jimin being the only topic of interest for Taehyung gradually made his circle. But that was it. He restricted himself to this circle. As time passed fear taking over his already heavy heart that he will be judged, ridiculed, betrayed. Reason? Nothing. Just his brain spinning scenarios that were nowhere near to reality. But Namjoon seems to be a good person. At least that’s what he has heard. The man did nothing wrong but parrot the rules. He owes the younger an apology.

“Hey..” Yoongi says, leaning his side against Namjoon’s cubicle where he found the other hunching over a heap of files. "...sorry for storming out like that. I was not in a really good mood.”

Namjoon is surprised and furrows his brow when he finds Yoongi looking rather sad and guilty. His expressions changes into an easy smile,

“Thought so. But hey it’s okay… I did think something was off, but still was talking about rules. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I pissed you off,” Namjoon finishes with a concerned smile on his face which changes into a relieved one when Yoongi smiles.

“Everyone has it hard Namjoon, not just me. I shouldn’t have taken my frustrations out on you.”

“Maybe you are right Yoongi-ssi, everyone has it hard. But they’re not you. What you feel, the intensity of it, the depth of it, the effect it has on you, only you know them. Not anyone else. Please do not dismiss your feelings, please don’t ‘tolerate’ them. Let me help you?” Namjoon hesitates, “Even if I could help you to get it down from 100 to 99, 98, 97, let me help you Yoongi-ssi, please.”

“Hyung. You can call me hyung.”

Namjoon smiles. “Well, let me help you, hyung.”

And after that Yoongi observes. He observes Namjoon. Not just how the younger preaches kindness and doesn’t spare a moment to fill someone with the love and respect they deserve. Not just how he loves to have bonsai collections and how much he loves art and loves sharing thoughts on them even more. Not just how he waits for his co-workers in case they are stuck at the office till 2 AM.

He notices how the younger stands 5 inches taller than him and that his broad buff chest could just engulf him. How his eyebrows elevate a little when he is laughing or smiling his heart out. How he is so gentle when he holds tiny and fragile things. It is endearing how he sips from one corner of his mouth and how he hides his face behind his hands when he gets shy, two cute dimples making their way onto his face. How Yoongi finds it so cute when Namjoon throws himself onto him when he laughs. It is shocking when Yoongi finds himself smiling at how Namjoon handles his clumsy self by speaking in third person, scolding but encouraging himself to be careful. It is shocking when Yoongi bursts out in laughter when Namjoon comes out of the restroom dressed up as Sailor Moon because he lost a bet with Taehyung.
It is shocking that Yoongi is able to feel and give meaning to those feelings after so long.

Yoongi isn’t a person that keeps in touch with his colleagues much. The only people that he will intentionally converse with were Seokjin and Taehyung. Seokjin would threaten Yoongi with a gun if he did not, but Yoongi finds comfort in the elder’s presence. He loves his dotting dongsaeng so much he finds himself with Taehyung most of the time too. Orbiting around Namjoon was something he did not expect would happen in the 28 years of his life.

After the project, everything would turn back to normal. He will be back in his cubicle trying to sort out other projects with a different team. If you stretch, a “hi” “bye” relationship that’s what Yoongi thought, that’s what Yoongi had.

But Kim Namjoon was different, Yoongi realizes.

The voice inside sometimes pops up with a suggestion. ‘Red string of fate’ , the term he hears all day long from Taehyung when he goes on about his boyfriend Jimin. Telling Yoongi how meeting him was fate and the red strings pulled them closer, the soulmate connection and all.
As a person who never had any interest in folk tales and in the concept of predestined fate, Yoongi wonders, what if?

The city light shone despite the clock striking twelve. Loud horns and zooming car sounds filtered through the tinted glasses to Yoongi, who was running across halls collecting files and taking them down and saving them onto his computers. Everyone files off the hall and only the clicking sounds of the keyboard kept Yoongi company. This is normal for him though. At least he should make up for all the late clock-ins. He checks the time on the display when he is sure that the work is almost done, 1:13 AM it said.
Heaving a deep sigh he skims through the report he prepared and saves it, before he was startled by a “hi!” from Kim Namjoon.

“Oh! Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Namjoon says, worry lingering in his eyes.

“It’s... It’s okay.” Yoongi smiles.

“It’s pretty late, hyung. What is it? Thought the reports for our project were already done?” Namjoon asks.

“This is the one that I have been procrastinating on for almost 3 weeks. Had this sudden burst of energy and mood to finish it”

“You done?”

“Yeppp..” Yoongi says popping the p.

“Alright! Then I will take you home?” Namjoon says excitedly, his smile creating deep dimples and his eyes forming moons. Yoongi loves when that happens.

“What?”

“It’s late and I thought I’d drop you off. We are neighbors anyway,” Namjoon shrugs.

“You can’t drive,” Yoongi cocks an eyebrow still confused at the younger's intention.

“And that’s why we take the owl bus and then walk. I do that anyway.”

Yoongi thinks for a minute and agrees asking for a few more minutes so he could pack his things and clock out.
As Namjoon said, they took an owl bus, got down at the nearest station next to their building, and walked. Their neighbourhood was calm compared to other places they have been before. Namjoon excuses himself for a moment and runs to the small food stall that was still open to buy something to fill their empty stomachs.
Walking through the streets under the full lit moon and a breeze to keep company was always Yoongi’s favorite. He takes a moment and gazes at the moon, shining full bright and mellow.

“Pretty,” Yoongi says, the moonlight making patterns of the twigs and leaves on his face.

“Yes, very,” Namjoon’s voice makes him turn to find him leaning onto a lamppost with a takeaway bag in hand gazing at Yoongi like he hung the stars in the sky. Like he held love with his entire being (which he did), like he was the most precious being to walk the universe, his eyes pleased and crinkling, seeing Yoongi under the moonlight. Cheeks flushed, lips a little red, covered in a thick fluffy jacket, making him even cuter and tinier - Namjoon would fight the world to protect him.

“The moon is up there,” Yoongi says as a matter of fact.

“I like the one in front of me” Namjoon lifts his chin up with a smug smile.

"Cheesy," Yoongi whispers, shaking his head making sure the other doesn’t hear.

"I know"

Maybe Yoongi loses his sleep for that night. But unlike the other nights, this sleepless night held something more.

Cloudy, scratchy scribbles - that's how his mind feels now. That's what his mind can visualize now. Spacing out is one thing but these black scribbles of nothing make his head heavy and tired. No coherent thoughts, just a canvas of scratches filling his ears with static noises.
But maybe a certain person thinks otherwise. When Yoongi told Namjoon about the way his mind’s abstract thoughts worked, Namjoon assured him those scribbles and static noises were more than that. That he would help him to figure out what they truly were. To mend and edit the scribbles to make meaningful phrases and to turn his canvas of scratches to a plethora of colorful figures, to turn those static noises taunting his brain into melodious voices of solace.

"People are more fond of blue and clear skies but I like the gray and dull ones better, maybe that's why I’m destined to be this sad balloon." Yoongi chuckles as he dips his chopsticks with fried chicken to the tub of sauce and takes a big bite of it.

"Do not underestimate gray hyung," Namjoon says, wiping the traces of sauce left on his lips. He smacks his lips, savouring the taste of remaining spots of sauce,

"Waah!! These are really good. I will need to be a regular customer here," he says as he takes a sip of his wine.

"Hyung," Namjoon turns into a serious tone, "gray has a wide variety of shades encapsulating a lot of emotions from white to black, all shades of gray." Yoongi didn't expect that. His love for gray and gloom came out of him unexpectedly but maybe it was meant to be said. Namjoon always has something interesting to describe and romanticize his liking when all Yoongi did was blame himself for being different, liking different.

"Yes, people equate colors to emotions. Red-anger, Yellow-joy, but nobody said gray cannot bring happiness or glee. And isn't white, the color we call peace, a shade of gray too? just... very light gray. And isn't peace the one that helps us to sort out our thoughts, which helps us to thrive and search for joy?"
That makes Yoongi think. Deeply.

"Ah! It's already 2:20, and the meeting with our boss begins in 10 minutes. I can brief you after it though. Totally fine." Yoongi just nods.

“Namjoon?” Yoongi smiles shyly when Seokjin mentions the possibility of Namjoon being the sole reason for Yoongi being in a different space every day.

“Wah! You are a goner for him.” Seokjin laughs.

“He makes you so happy doesn’t he?” Seokjin asks with a fond smile lingering on his lips, happy for his dongsaeng.

“What may take hours for myself and others, he does it in 3 seconds, hyung.” Yoongi smiles and lets out a breathy chuckle. “Just his presence makes me want to give everything to him.”

"Did you tell him?"

"Not yet," Yoongi shakes his head rubbing his sweaty palms as tries to find an explanation for why not? Namjoon gives him the butterflies. Being around each other takes the weight of anxiety off his head. Going off on a tangent to random topics made his day bearable. He would love to hold onto these special feelings a bit longer, but then what is holding him back?

Just as he rummages through his brain, hunting for an answer for why he is holding himself back from the joy that would be bestowed on him if he is with Namjoon, he sees the younger passing by the veranda, coffee in his hand. A heavy heartbeat jolts him, pulling his heartstrings. His eyes follow the other, his brain playing the scene in slow motion. The other’s stride, the smile he displays greeting his colleagues, the laughter he lets out when he jokes, the crinkling eyes with curiosity that challenges the mightiest thinkers. Why hold himself back?

So, Yoongi goes for it. He follows Namjoon to the cafeteria, his brain running too quickly, weighing the pros and cons, the outcomes. Anxiety pools in him as he stands in the doorway observing the younger take a seat and sip on his coffee, scrolling through his phone. Yoongi pats himself on the shoulder and speaks some encouraging words and strides forward to sit opposite to Namjoon.

“Oh! Hyung?” Namjoon says.

“Hi…” and Yoongi’s brain is not functioning. It is out of words. His eyes move frantically all over the place and his sweaty palms rub against each other.

“Everything alright?” Namjoons asks with a worried face, and it is clearly visible in his voice.

“Yes.. um.. I just wanted to.. you know…,” Yoongi stops speaking and simply gestures towards them and outside, but stops when he notices Namjoon’s forehead wrinkling in confusion.

“I’m not following hyung. What is it?”

“Wanna go out for coffee….?” Yoongi finally says.

“I am actually having one.”

Stupid Min Yoongi. Be more specific.

“Oh, I mean like coffee, and some other stuff if you wish. In a different setting,” Oh you gentle giant please get the hint.

“You don’t like the office cafeteria setting?” Namjoon asks, still confused about what is going on.

“Kim Namjoon, you giant baby himbo, I am trying to ask you on a date here!! Help me out!!” Yoongi blurts, closing his eyes shut. He opens one of his eyes only to see a shocked Namjoon, his lips forming an ‘o’. A hundred situations run in his brain. But he sticks to the worst one. He did something wrong. Namjoon is not interested. He-

“I’m sorry. Fuck. I’m... you might not even be interested in me like that. Oh shit, I took advantage of our friendship. I’m sorry. Oh my god, I deserve to be pushed into a river. How could I-”

“Hey stop stop stop!“ Namjoon holds Yoongi’s frantically moving hands tight, “Breathe for me hyung,” and Yoongi does so. His hands were completely in Namjoon’s, being pressed softly and gently.

“I’m sorry Joon, I didn’t even give it a second thought-”

“Hold your horses there, hyung. Please give me a chance to speak before you fry your brain cells. Yes. I would love to go out on a date with you.” He raises an eyebrow and a smile tugs at his lips.

“Really?” Yoongi’s lips form a pout in shock.

“Yes. Really. Now, why would you tire your brain like that? With this overthinking?” Namjoon draws circles on Yoongi’s wrist with his thumb.

“Can’t help it,” Yoongi shrugs.

“Then let me,” Namjoon smiles.

To be honest, Yoongi didn't think this would last even a week. His self-deprecating behavior has cost him a lot. But Namjoon is different. He listens. He reminds Yoongi how his thoughts and feelings are worth everything and are so valid. He doesn't forget to remind Yoongi to appreciate and give himself credit for things big or small that he does. He is not a therapist like Hoseok. But he is something. He makes everything easier. At times when he feels like he is overwhelming Namjoon with all his emotional baggage, when guilt and regret take over his brain and question him, "Are you emotional dumping?" Namjoon assures him that he is more than happy to help Yoongi to get through them. To listen. Yoongi doesn't know what he did in his present life or past life to deserve Namjoon.
Hugging himself curled on the bed like a child, Yoongi rubs his arms up and down, overwhelmed by the positivity he has been feeling. He feels a dip on the other side of the bed, a bigger frame hugging him closer to whom he makes himself smaller. He grabs the hand and places a gentle kiss on it and keeps his lips pressed for a moment longer.

"What would I do without you Joon?"

“You will do great hyung,” Namjoon whispers into his ears, sending chills across Yoongi’s body. A good chill. But he chuckles at the absurdity of what Namjoon said.

“I don't think so. I was barely able to hold my shit together before you just bolted into my life.” He laughs.

“Well maybe. But do you really think it was me who helped you?”

“Of course.”

“Well surprise. You are absolutely wrong.”

Yoongi doesn't know what to reply. He knows Namjoon helped him to be here - in this positive atmosphere. His actions, his words, his thoughts. Why would Namjoon deny it?

“It was you hyung. You helped yourself. You wanted a way out of all those miserable thoughts and life. You were trying so hard. You made the path for yourself. You trod through this road to help yourself.”

“Then what were you?” Yoongi scoffs.

“Hmm... I can’t think of anything fancy but let’s say street lights? Just so you could see where you were stepping?”

“Hoseok says you are a good influence,” Yoongi says, half of it muffled as he presses his face to Namjoon’s chest.

“Your doc? Seems like he is a person with a brain- ouch! My nipples are sensitive, hyung.”

“I know,” he chuckles.

"I'll guide you hyung. Don't worry" Namjoon said as he nuzzled Yoongi's head.

Months pass by, Yoongi is mostly merry. He is improving, slowly, but still, a win is a win nonetheless. He is not alone on those nights. The nights where his breath hitches in his throat, where his eyes decide on being blurred and blind, when his tongues cease to move and his larynx gets adamant to not produce a voice, he is not alone. He is woken up from the nightmares by a gentle hand. Brought back to reality by a sweet voice that recites love, protection, reassurance and care. There are ghosts of kisses on his eyelids that are red from tears brimming, on cheeks that tinted pink from rubbing too hard, on his lips that quivered in fear. He has Namjoon. His safe space.

Yoongi feels a hand curling around his waist from behind, and he leans into the touch, falling into the broad chest he knows belongs to his man. The cool breeze enveloping them in the seashore makes him close his eyes and take in a deep breath to sink in the scent, and a smile crawls on his lips, knowing he is safe

"What color are the waves, white as snow when they break, did you survive the drift ok, still as a pebble, could you stay," Namjoon croons into his ears sending a chill across his body.

"Did you make that one now?" Yoongi quips.

"The waves seem sentimental, every wave that crashes seems to have a story of its own, maybe heartbreak, " Namjoon says as he hooks his chin on Yoongi's shoulder.

"Very Namjoon of you to recite heartbreak when it’s such a romantic setting,"

“Well, maybe not all heartbreak.” Namjoon tightens his hold on Yoongi’s waist as he breathes in the scent of the other.

“The ocean reminds me of you. So deep and vast, not explored completely but beautiful nonetheless. Those eyes hyung, it makes me want to explore more of you. The eyes of wonder and innocence. it shakes my heart,” he says gazing at the elder’s eyes.

He smiles. Min Yoongi smiles. His heart smiles, his heart beats faster when realization settles inside him. He is happy. Genuinely happy. Not the fake smile he plasters on his face because he didn’t want others to feel hurt because his emotionally numb ass couldn’t process it. True and pure happiness flows inside him right at this moment. He wants to hold onto this feeling and bottle it up if he can because now he is scared, scared that this feeling he is growing fond of will disappear.

"Hey," Yoongi's clouded thoughts were cleared by Namjoon's sultry voice seeping through. "Hyung, stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Thinking!! You are overthinking. I can hear your brain cells groaning from here!" Namjoon lets out a chuckle, hugging Yoongi from the back even closer, breathing his scent in and releasing a content sigh as he sways them side to side.

"Be in the moment, hyung. don't let those thoughts ruin it."

"I love you, Namjoon." Yoongi's heart skips a beat when those words spill out of his mouth. It was unintentional, but he doesn't regret it. He always wondered what these feelings were? To conclude it as ‘love’ was hard for him but his heart took over his brain and only the truth came out. Though unintentional, he was happy he said it.

"I know hyung." Namjoon loosens the grip on Yoongi’s waist and turns the elder so they are facing each other, faces so close they can barely see any space.
Yoongi’s heart wants to leap out of his chest, beating faster and faster as he takes in the younger’s flawless face in his palm, staring at the crescent-shaped eyes and the dimples formed there.

“Maybe you made me 'love' after all.” Yoongi smiles when he says that.

“Ahh.. you still remember?” Namjoon shies away. It’s endearing to see the younger shy away and cover his mouth and try not to burst in embarrassment because of the spotlight he was put in.

“Of course I did. It might have been a fleeting thought for you. But I always held it close.”

“Hyung, you know what is the relation between human and love (saram and sarang)?”

“Surprise me,” Yoongi waves his hand.

“You erode all the edges of human, you get love.” Namjoon drags himself closer to Yoongi and grabs his palm. Clicking his pen he writes, 'saram'(사람) , Yoongi flinches a little because it tickles. Drawing a small arrow he then writes 'sarang'(사랑). Namjoon shows his work with a bright smile and Yoongi is a goner. He stares at his palm for how long he doesn’t know, but he knows this, that he is weak for this man in front of him. That his mind is floating, floating in joy and wonder. He wants to cherish all these moments forever and create even more.

Yoongi shifts his sweater paws and shows Namjoon his wrist. Indeed there is a cute and tiny tattoo. Writing of ‘sarang’ where the ‘ng’ was a heart instead of an ‘o’

“Hyung, I will be there in less than 20 minutes, got stuck at work. should have taken the half-day leave as you ." Namjoon groans and Yoongi can hear him urging the driver to be faster.

"It's okay Joon-ah. I’m still going to be here when you come. Not going anywhere." Yoongi hums to assure the younger one that there is no rush.

"Has anyone reached there yet?"

"Just Jimin and Tae. They are setting up the tables. Expecting Seokjin hyung and Jungkook soon." Yoongi replies as he puts the decorations over the wall the phone held between his shoulder and ear.

"Okay"

The call disconnects and Yoongi goes on with the remaining chores and then changes to this outfit that had '1 year into relationship with the hot dude', in bright neon colors.

It was Taehyung's idea to get it printed on the back of the shirt. Yoongi shouldn't have listened to Taehyung. Yoongi regrets listening to Taehyung.

"Please hyung you look fantastic in this," he cheers with his usual boxy smile.

"Ugh. Shut up. I look like a signboard of a gay bar." Yoongi tries to free himself from the capture of Taehyung, his nose scrunching, but looking like a cute little grumpy cat.

"Jimin-ah, tell hyung it looks good," Taehyung pouts.

"Haha, not happening. Hyung you go change that abomination of a shirt." Jimin nudges Yoongi on the side and hands him a change of clothes.

"Knew I could trust you," Yoongi rushes, not missing Jimin kissing Taehyung's pout away.

"Don't you dare steal my thunder," Yoongi reminds them.

Yoongi is growing restless. He paces back and forth along the hall and tries to connect to Namjoon via calls and messages. No response. It's been almost an hour since Namjoon's call. His hand is sweating and his legs are shaking. He tries multiple times. A low whine escaping his lips and eyes brimming. Taehyung’s and Jimin’s worried eyes follow Yoongi’s shaking body. Seokjin tried to calm Yoongi by putting in different positive scenarios for why Namjoon was being late. Jungkook watched them curled into the arms of a cushion biting his nails, worried for his hyungs.

"Pick up the damn phone Namjoon!" Yoongi snaps and throws his phone away which lands on the other side of the couch as it starts ringing. Yoongi rushes to the phone expecting it to be Namjoon but his face falls when he sees an unknown number. Before he could think his fingers press the attend button.

"Hello this is from the Medlife hospital. Am I speaking to an acquaintance of Mr.Kim NamJoon?"
Yoongi’s breath stops for a second when he hears ‘hospital’. His heart’s thundering loud beats resonating in his ear. He freezes, begging to not hear what he was thinking this conversation is going to be.

"Y-yes, you are," he stutters.

The words that were spoken by the person on the call were muffled later on. Yoongi's heart slowed down and his vision blurred. He could hear the loud beatings of his heart and his rapid breaths as his mind went blank, losing control of his body as he fell on his knees and the mobile crashed onto the floor.

"We are sorry for your loss," the voice said, which made no sense to Yoongi as he wanted it to be a prank call. He wanted Namjoon to come in through the door and announce it was just a joke, a prank and take Yoongi in his hands, pick him up and twirl him, pressing a deep kiss on his lips and wishing him a happy anniversary. Their anniversary. One year of Yoongi and Namjoon. One year journey of living rather than surviving. Yoongi feels the red string tied onto his heart tugging and pulling hard, then snapping with a force that makes him fall into an abyss he wished he was unfamiliar with.

“Namjoon-ah? What are you doing here? All alone?”

“I’m not alone,” Namjoon gently smiles, his dimples on show. “I have the snow and silence to keep me company.” he swings slowly, the movement accompanied by the creaking noise of it. Yoongi takes a seat on the swing near, pulling a face when his butt touches the cold but manages somehow to sit comfortably. He matches the swing pace with Namjoon’s and slowly drifts into a reverie as he gazes at him.

“A person mourning separation even once should visit a winter field.
There is comfort in the heaven that eternalizes these encounters on earth.
A person afflicted with longing even once should visit a winter field.
There is the awareness that to watch you is to watch me, to be alone is to be with you.” Namjoon smiles at him, a small smile, his teeth on display.

“You wrote it?” Yoongi wonders.

“I wish,” Namjoon shakes his head “Oh Sae-young-nim’s famous work. ‘Standing by a winter field’. Always liked how he described silence here. I liked finding happiness in something people were so sure they wouldn’t, so these verses strike me hard.” Namjoon takes Yoongi’s hands in his, noticing how the elder was shivering and turning pink, Yoongi is very thankful for this skin touch. Yoongi notices a few seconds later that Namjoon has been staring at him like he knows Yoongi is hesitating to speak. Yoongi gives in.

"I like being alone..” he begins ”.. rather than being in a crowded place. I prefer silence over an active conversation.” The swings mirror each other as they swing back and forth connected by the two soul’s hands. “And you know..” Yoongi chuckles at the thought of the next words he was about to tell “... sometimes I wish to be born next time as a pebble."

"There is nothing wrong in not being interested in having a conversation or preferring to be alone at times. Sometimes having that silence is far merrier than the voices can make."

"And for being a pebble, you will be the prettiest one. They too underwent withering and washing offs to be polished and smooth." Namjoon smiles. That damned smile never fails to get Yoongi breathless.

"You know you make me breathless sometimes. With your silly stupid smile and laughs." Yoongi doesn't know where this surge of confidence is flowing from. But he is feeling very confident seeing Namjoon blush pink. "The only time I will be happy about being breathless, honestly," Namjoon frowns at that, Yoongi slaps himself mentally.

"Too dark?" He asks with a sheepish look.

"Maybe?"

Yoongi just shrugs it off. He furrows his brow when Namjoon stands from his swing and leaves, but comes back with a pebble in his hand.

“Look. It’s you.” he said with that same damned smile.

Yoongi realized there was a red string tugging on his heart when Namjoon agreed with him about the joy silence brought in the land covered in plush snow, so white it reflected every ounce of light it absorbed. As the slow fall of the snow, the chill breeze hovering, covering, and sliding across them and the silence it followed made Yoongi at ease. He was tethered to the other, the string tightening itself around his heart.

He smiles at the memory as a tear rushes to his lips, swinging gently on the swing in the snow-covered playground like they did almost a year ago. He wipes it off with his shivering hand, a cry almost escaping his lips.

"I’m here Joon. Are you watching me?" He looks up, still wishing the other would come running at him. Yoongi shakes his head at how absurd his wish was and lets out a chuckle, a tear making its way down his cheek.

" I miss you," Yoongi cries, his shoulders shaking and tears falling uncontrollably. “I miss you.”

To be alone is to be with you

Yoongi repeats as he traces his fingers along on the snow-covered pebble he held which was gifted by Namjoon at this same place.

"You belong here," he said. Placing the pebble under the snow-covered fig tree that stood tall and wide. He said goodbye, treading along the snowfield.