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The look on the face of his crew is something Buck doesn’t think he’s going to be forgetting anytime soon, he thinks bitterly.
Ever since he boarded the ship, he’s been fighting the urge to cry. Or maybe the urge to scream and break everything in sight. He looks at his left leg. It’s hidden by his pants, but he’s more than aware of the clunky metal thing in the place of his leg.
He doesn’t want to think about it. But if he doesn’t focus on that, then he focuses on the look of betrayal on Bobby’s face and that’s probably even worse.
“So the second things get hard, the second you start to realize being a pirate isn’t what you expected, you turn and run? You’ve been with us for two years. Two fucking years, dammit! We trusted you, and this is what you do with it?”
“Bobby, you wouldn’t--”
“Understand? You’re damn right I don’t understand. I think you should leave.”
“Bobby--”
“You made a choice, Evan. You have to deal with the consequences.”
Buck doesn’t remember when he stood up. He’s only aware of ramming his fist into the metal wall. Again. And again. Over and over until his knuckles are bleeding alongside his heart.
“Sometimes, the choices we make hurt more once we realize just how deeply we’ve hurt someone.”
He keeps pounding the wall, turning his guilt into rage. Rage against his parents, against Mackey, against his brother, against himself for accepting this stupid fucking mission.
“This isn’t your fault, you know.”
The voice startles Buck out of his thoughts. He whirls around to see Mackey standing there, hands clasped behind his back, that same infuriating smile still stretching wide across his face.
“It doesn’t feel like it’s not,” Buck snaps, wiping his bleeding knuckles on his shirt.
Mackey’s nose wrinkles as he follows Buck’s movement but he doesn’t say anything.
“They’ll understand,” he says. “You’re doing this for them, you know. Imagine just how much more powerful we’d be if those pirates and smugglers worked with us-- for us-- instead of against us. We’d be practically unstoppable.”
Buck scoffs. “Yeah.”
He doesn’t comment further. He’s not sure he’ll be able to keep the contempt out of his voice.
Mackey reaches Buck in a few long strides and wraps an arm around his shoulders.
“And this is exactly what they need!” he goes on, eyes sparkling almost maliciously. Buck really wants to punch him in the face. “You’re a pirate! The runaway prince! The lost heir turned pirate. You’re the leader these people need! You’re an ally. You know how all of this works, and you can relate to them. You can be their voice and our voice! I’m sure your friends will understand this soon enough.”
The doors hiss open and Buck ducks out of Mackey’s hold.
“I’m sure they’ll come around soon,” he says, giving Mackey a saccharine smile.
Buck disappears down a hall, cutting off whatever else Mackey wants to say.
“Ev, I know you don’t like him, but I’m gonna need more from you,” Daniel’s voice hisses through the comm device.
Buck rolls his eyes and shoves his hands in his pocket. His leg clunks awkwardly and loudly as he walks and his scowl deepens.
“Do you think they’ll forgive me?” he asks softly.
The comms stay quiet long enough that Buck wonders if Daniel even heard him.
“You knew the risks,” he says. “I won’t lie, they probably won’t. Not right away.”
Buck huffs a mirthless laugh and drags his hands over his face. “Eventually,” he says. “Yeah. Great. Eddie’s gonna kill me.”
“And Maddie’s gonna kill me,” Daniel replies. “We’re well past that.”
The door to Buck’s room hisses open.
Mackey gave him a tour of the ship when he first boarded it, at least three hours ago. The place feels cold and unwelcoming. So unlike the 118 where every piece of equipment’s been replaced at least once and where almost everything is secondhand or built by hand. The 118 felt more like a home than anywhere else Buck had ever lived.
He drops on the bed and stares up at the white ceiling. He feels out of place and grimy on such a white and pristine ship.
“I was pretty harsh.” He winces.
He hadn’t been kind. Daniel had said he would need to make it sound genuine. He didn’t mean a word of it, didn’t mean an ounce of anger he’d flung at them, but they don’t know that. They can’t know that.
They all looked heartbroken. Furious. Eddie’s face was the worst out of all of them, and Buck doesn’t know if he’s going to be able to salvage that. He just hopes Eddie won’t run off again, go back to being a bounty hunter. Buck spent so long showing Eddie and the others that he isn’t like his parents, that he’s better, different.
He takes the comm out of his ear. Even with Daniel talking to him, he feels the crushing weight of loneliness. It reminds him of the days spent at the Buckley Estate, alone, with no allies in an unforgiving place.
He wonders if accepting this mission was the worst mistake of his life.