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That night, as he stared at his reflection in the mirror, the lower half of his left cheek showing a mild swelling and bruising, and a cut on his lip, he winced.
Not from pain, but of the realisation that he had well and truly f**cked up his chances.
He was not lying when he admitted to Kang Gil Young that he was aroused by her punch. It had come as a surprise, if you will.
When he had returned to his car, parked in a deserted lot, he had unabashedly stroke himself to completion in the dimly lit space of his driver’s seat. Imagined her riding him as she fisted and pulled at his hair. Not letting him come in her as punishment for touching her without her consent.
He saw stars as he came with a shuddered grunt. When he opened his eyes, comprehension hit.
As he laid in the scalding hot bath water, his mind churning at the twisting in his insides, he pondered over his predicament.
He had enough self-awareness to know that he could no longer go on as he had. He was certain that both women would no longer let him intrude into their lives the way he had done. Today would have been a deal breaker.
While they still had nothing on him nor could they do anything much, the more salient issue was whether he wanted to continue as he was. What did he hope to achieve?
He did not derive any thrill from harassing or stalking them. It was not helping with his cause at all. He had simply let his foolish ego and negative emotions dictate his behaviour, to the detriment of both.
Lately, as both women became more openly expressive of their discomfort and disgust with him, the emptiness inside had grown larger, and the clamoring noise and choked sensations more intense by the day.
In either one of their presence, the braying darkness would retreat but the moment he was alone with his thoughts, they came back in strength, threatening to pull him in. Drown him.
It had only gotten worse in recent weeks, as Kang Gil Young openly ignored him, her face darkening whenever he appeared. Her body language shrieking defensive wariness and distaste.
Kang Kwon Joo, who used to be more polite in trying to hide her unease, would now barely attempt to conceal her discomfiture. Moved away when he tried to get closer.
Such a contrast to when it was just the two of them. The small smiles they gave each other, the casual touches. He had replayed the few recordings he had of them so often he could memorize each expression and gaze they shared.
They looked so in love with each other. Others might be forgiven for not interpreting their closeness as romantic love, or had chosen to glide over the uncomfortable truth, but everything about them screamed intimacy. Affection. Devotion. Desire.
He coveted them. Hungered to be included in their little bubble of joy, tenderness and love.
Why won’t they look at him? He had everything they could ever want or need. Many others would be overjoyed to be in their position. Yet, they had only given him cold shoulders. Looked upon him with barely veiled contempt.
He was in turns wretchedly despairing and angry about the constant emotional turmoil he was enmeshed in. For weeks, resentment and rage had gotten the upper hand, and the need to punish them had seized his psyche. He wanted to inflict the kind of hurt they had visited upon him.
To cause them distress so that they could not help but have him on their minds. Have them feel something for him, even if only fear and loathing. They would not deign to entertain him otherwise.
Today’s events, however, had finally somewhat awakened his neglected heart and rational mind. His mother’s call had also been another wake up alarm.
Kang Gil Young’s punch and the word, creep, had hurt beyond the physical pain. It had crushed his heart, sparked anxiety. The understanding would only come later, however.
Did he truly wish for them to fear and hate him?
It had always been second nature for him to disregard the feelings of those around him, and whatever generosity he had extended had come through calculated pros-and-cons deliberations, or whims.
But his mother had taught him by example that you did not deliberately hurt the ones you professed to love. It was not lessons which had sunk in, alien as it was to his personality. Still, when it came to his mother, he often did try his best not to disappoint her. To have consideration for her feelings. So he knew it was achievable.
In his floundering bitterness, however, he was quick to slide into his habitual behaviour and thought processes, and the worst possible permutations of it. Before them, he had never stalked anyone. Basically never wanted anyone in his life, nor to be in someone else’s.
He simply wanted them to turn towards him, to give him the validation and love he so desperately craved from them. He would be content with only crumbs, as long as they allowed him access to their private lives.
Instead, he had turned himself persona non grata in their minds.
Did their unique positions in his heart not demand that he extend special treatment to them? For care to be taken with their feelings? To be respectful and solicitous?
Was not that what he saw between them? That which he yearned for? How could he have imagined being an unwelcome nuisance in their lives would endear him to them? He was sabotaging his own endeavours all this while but had been totally oblivious to that fact.
Intellectually, he understood that if they only loved women that it would be nearly impossible for them to extend to him the kind of love and desire they so obviously had for each other. This was a tall order his heart and mind had realised, but chosen to rebel and thrash against. Hence his current plight.
He felt the impossibility of his circumstances to the bones but his heart, as enamoured as it had never been in his whole life, was not prepared to let go, if ever. He sighed.
For once in his life, he could not control those around him nor his surroundings to cater to his fancies. The women were beyond his manipulation. He was gradually learning that in this one instance, he would need to adapt and change himself instead. They had given him no alternatives.
What could he accept, then? It was not their fault that they could not love him the way he wished for them to. It was a part of them, just like the predispositions to darkness was his.
Yet, with years long therapy and most vitally, the unconditional love from his mother, he had learned to live within the constraints that was his inborn disordered personality. In the same vein, his position in their lives would be subject to the strictures they imposed on him.
He needed to figure out what the baseline of his desires in regards to them he could live with, and what conditions he could offer them. It must be of those which they would not be able resist in order for them to give him the opportunity to share their lives.
He needed help.
But first, he should apologise. The aphorism, fake it till you make it was a saying he lived by, especially the faked it part, because he was a master at faking it, though he had never learned to mean or make it.
Nonetheless, while he was not completely repentant, the seed of remorse was indeed planted and he needed to make a show of it if he hoped for even a scrap of a chance after this afternoon and the few preceding months.
There was a first for anything, however, and he supposed this was as good an opportunity as any other to learn to mean it. They deserved that from him, and more.
The gifts and flowers needed to be understated.
*** *** ***
That evening, after dinner, as they lounged on the sofa winding down for the day, she told Kwon Joo in detail what had transpired earlier that afternoon.
“Do you think Mo Tae Gu might be mentally disordered?” Kwon Joo suggested after a moment of thought.
“If being a rich, entitled ar***ole of a man is a kind of mental illness, definitely yes. That man is literally unhinged and that does not even touch on his sexual perversion,” she replied, not bothering to hide the revulsion at the thought the man provoked.
Kwon Joo clasped her hand in hers, gripping it in a comforting act, “I am sorry you had to go through that alone, Gil Young-ya.”
She tightened her hand around Kwon Joo’s and responded with a small smile, before continuing soberly, “It was nothing really, I have seen and been in much worse situations. Mo Tae Gu does not frighten or threaten me. I know I can take him on. I am more worried about you, Kwon Joo-ya.”
“Those were in the line of duty. This is qualitatively different. You should not underestimate him. We have no idea what he is capable of. Or if he gets help from others,” Kwon Joo cautioned somberly.
She sighed. Kwon Joo was right. It would not be wise to underestimate your opponent, especially someone as privileged as Mo Tae Gu. Kwon Joo’s deduction that he could possibly be mentally disordered was also not something they could discount.
She nodded at Kwon Joo, affirming her words, “You are right. It is better to be careful. Please do the same, Kwon Joo-ya. I worry for you.”
Kwon Joo smiled softly at her, tapping her ears, “I will be careful, don’t worry. I have extra protection.”
“What does that stupid man want?! Can’t he find and throw money at the women who are interested in his kinks instead? Ugh?!” she huffed in annoyed anger.
Kwon Joo patted her hand in commiseration, her brow furrowed lightly in thought.
“Do you think it would help if we confront him directly?” Kwon Joo proposed.
She considered that idea for a bit, “Perhaps. It would be good if we have more information and better prepared. I will do a more thorough background check on him tomorrow, see whether there is anything.”
“I doubt there is anything officially but it would be prudent to check. I will get Officer Oh to help dig up information on an informal basis,” Kwon Joo added.
“That’s settled then. Now, let’s forget about that tedious man. I am not letting him ruin my day more than necessary,” she said, reaching for Kwon Joo to pull her into an embrace. She came readily.
They spent the rest of the night rewriting the blemish from that afternoon.
The next day, when two sets of gifts accompanied by simple bouquets of purple hyacinth, orchids and lilies arrived for the both of them, they could only looked at each in concern. The creases between her eyebrows deepened as she read the short message attached to the gift.
The man was truly a menace.