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Recently, it had become rare for Ryou to have company in his apartment. It had been a while since pursuing a romantic life became boring to him, and very few people would willingly go to his place for any other reason.
The exception to the rule was Momo, who frequently accepted his invitations to play games, have dinner, or drink together. It had been the same that evening: they were both in a meeting with other people from the entertainment industry, and ended up going back together for a second round of drinks.
It went like usual: some conversation, some teasing, some laughs… Sometimes, Ryou wondered if those evenings Momo spent with him were nothing but a strategy to stay on Tsukumo’s good side. Even if Ryou was the usually forgotten younger son, being close to him certainly had quite a few advantages.
The thought bothered him. Ryou wasn’t the kind that made friends easily—and, whenever he thought he had managed to grow close to someone, they quickly cast him aside, proving him wrong. With time, he came to expect that from every relationship, putting no effort into any of them, simply using them while they used him, until both parties were done with it.
When he first saw Momo during a meeting, a little after his debut as an idol, Ryou came to believe for a short while that he was wrong. Something in Momo’s personality drew Ryou in, and, by the end of that meeting, for the first time in years, he wanted to try growing closer to another person.
Deep down, however, he knew it was just a matter of time… He wanted to believe it would be different with Momo, but how could he? No matter how much he made their friendship his priority, or how much he dedicated himself to it, it didn’t change the fact that, for Momo, he would never come in first place.
And yet, he kept ignoring all the signs, foolishly pretending it wouldn’t end the same way as many others before, putting a smile on his face and making a humorous remark every time he felt an urge to ruin that feeble connection they had.
At some point in that evening, their conversation seemed to run dry. Momo was usually talkative, but that day Ryou found himself in what almost felt like a monologue. He looked at Momo, who stared absentmindedly at his glass.
“You’re drinking a lot today,” said Ryou.
“I guess I’m just stressed from work.”
Ryou showed a curious smile. “Did you get in trouble?”
“Not really.”
Of course not… the answer was obvious. “Was it a fight with Yuki, then?”
Momo’s expression went stiff for a fraction of a second, but soon gave place to a wide, playful smile. “No way!” He waved his hand, dismissing the idea. “We’re still on our honeymoon phase.”
“That’s quite the long honeymoon,” observed Ryou.
“What can I do…?” Momo hummed to himself. “We’re just that much in love.”
“Is that so?”
Momo shrugged. “You’re just jealous of our lovely and cozy relationship.”
How irritating… “Ha, you got me there!” Ryou let out an exaggerated sigh, placing a hand over his chest. “I don’t understand why such a handsome, charismatic, and intelligent man such as myself can’t stay in a relationship for long.”
Momo gestured toward Ryou with his glass. “I blame your personality for that.”
“How brutally honest.”
“I’m just kidding.” Momo chuckled, then thought for a moment. “But I guess not everyone can keep up with you.”
“Oh, and how so?”
“Maybe you’re just a bit too handsome, too charismatic, and too intelligent for us, normies.”
And there it was… His flattering never failed to amuse. Ryou sneered, drinking from his glass. “So said the idol Momo from Re:vale.”
Momo seemed displeased with the comment. “It sounds so condescending when you say it like that.”
“I’m being a hundred percent honest!”
“Yeah, sure,” Momo dismissed his answer with a gesture. “It’s not like being an idol makes me special, though… I just sing and dance, and hope I can keep making my fans happy. Deep down, I’m still just a guy trying his best.”
“Hm…” Ryou leaned forward, resting his chin on his hand. “Idols are strange creatures… You’re all so desperate for love. You’d do anything for your fans to look at you, only for those same fans to abandon you as soon as they find a shiny new thing.” He sighed, shaking his head. “It’s sad, really.”
Momo laughed humorlessly. “I guess so… But it’s still worth it if you get to see the smiles on their faces as they watch you.”
“Eh… What a beautiful thing to say,” said Ryou. “Except that you don’t really see anyone from up there, do you?”
His words seemed to catch Momo off-guard. “What do you mean?”
Ryou pondered briefly if telling that story was even worth the effort. Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do right now. “Years ago, I went to see ZERO singing live.” He showed a wide smile, gesturing as he spoke. “It was the most incredible moment of my life… I was so excited. I wanted him to look at me, so, I called his name.” The memory brought a bitter taste to his mouth, dissolving his smile. “I called, and called, but he still didn’t look in my direction. Not even once.”
Momo simply looked at him for a moment. “I guess it would be difficult for someone with as many fans as ZERO to answer to everyone.” He thought about it. “I’m sure he would look at you if he could hear your voice clearly.”
“I called as loudly as I could,” said Ryou. “It made no difference.”
“So you gave up?”
“Why waste my time with someone who won’t look at me?”
“That’s the problem…” Momo put his glass down on the counter. “I’m sure he wanted to fulfill everyone’s expectations, including yours. No idol wants to disappoint his fans… But we’re all just people, in the end. No matter how hard we try, we’ll end up disappointing those who look up to us in some way.”
“What a miserable life you have, then.”
“It’s not.” Momo lowered his gaze. “But I must admit it gets hard sometimes.”
“Hm…”
Ryou thought the subject would end there. Before he could say anything else, however, Momo looked at him with a smile on his face.
“Ryou…” he said. “If you come to see me live, I’ll do a fanservice for you.”
Ryou furrowed his brow. Was he joking? If so, it hadn’t been among his funniest ones. “Are you serious?”
“What?” Momo narrowed his eyes. “You don’t want it because I’m not ZERO?”
“That’s not it,” Ryou sighed. “I just thought that you would smile at anyone who called your name, just like a little puppy.”
To his surprise, Momo laughed. “Of course I will. An idol exists to make people happy. If they love me, then I want to return their love.”
“Oh. I see.”
“So,” Momo continued, “of course I’ll smile if I see Ryou cheering for me.”
Something about his words bothered Ryou. “Because you want me to be your adoring fan?”
“Because we’re friends.”
Ryou didn’t have an answer ready for that. So, instead, he chose to play along. “So, are you saying you’d be happier to see me there, than if it was someone else?”
“Do you even need to ask?” Momo placed a hand over his chest. “If I saw Ryou there, I’m sure my heart would jump with excitement!”
This time, Ryou laughed. “As expected from the idol Momo from Re:vale! You really know what to say to others.”
He expected Momo to laugh, but instead, his expression changed to what seemed like disappointment. “I wish you’d take me seriously sometimes, you know?”
Why is he the one sounding disappointed? Ryou filled his glass once again. “You won’t even remember this conversation tomorrow.”
“Maybe not,” Momo admitted. “But I mean it.”
“Of course you do.”
Momo looked at him, then slowly allowed his gaze to fall to the counter. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
“I never said something like that.”
“It’s obvious.” Momo hesitated, then faced Ryou. “Listen… I like you, Ryou. I really like you, but…” He lowered his voice. “Sometimes, it’s hard being your friend.”
Once again, Ryou chose to play along. “And why is that?”
“Sometimes, it feels… one-sided.”
“From my part?”
“From mine.”
That’s ridiculous.
“We’re always drinking and playing games together,” Momo continued, “but whenever I try to get closer to you, it’s like… It’s like I’m swimming in the ocean. I keep going and going, but I never seem to get anywhere. And when I think I’m finally about to reach something, suddenly I’m back at the shore.” He made a pause. “I’m trying, you know… I’m trying, but it’s really hard.”
“You say that like it’s my fault,” observed Ryou.
“Yeah… It’s probably mine.”
“Do you really think so?”
“It’s the same with Yuki,” said Momo. “I just don’t seem to get through… No matter how much I want to reach out, you two keep getting farther away. I can do nothing but watch from afar, and wait…”
“Wait for what?”
Momo thought for a while. “I don’t know.”
Ryou sighed. “You’re drunk.”
“Yeah.”
That conversation would probably go nowhere, but, for some reason, Ryou didn’t want to let it die just yet. “You compared me to Yuki, but you always choose him over me. It’s definitely not the same.”
“Because Yuki is my partner,” said Momo.
“Of course.”
“But Ryou is…” Momo thought for a moment. “The person who sees me.”
Ryou stared at him. “What are you talking about?”
“When I look at Yuki, it feels like he’s always looking at something else…” said Momo. “He never really sees me. I mean, I get why… I’m not even his real partner. I’m just a temporary replacement with an expiration date.”
Real partner? Expiration date? “You’re making no sense. Isn’t he your beloved partner?”
Momo’s laugh sounded more tired than amused. “To me, he is… But to Yuki, I’m…”
He interrupted his thoughts, his expression darkening.
“You’re what?” asked Ryou.
“Replaceable…” said Momo. “Unlike Ban.”
“I don’t know who that is.”
“Yuki’s real partner,” Momo explained. “I stole his place when he disappeared.”
Ryou wasn’t expecting a revelation like that. He looked at Momo with renewed interest. “Oh… You saw your chance to become an idol and grabbed it?”
Momo shook his head. “No… I didn’t want to be an idol. I just didn’t want Yuki to stop singing. But now…” He shifted in the same place. “I don’t want to stop. I promised him I’d leave after five years, so… when the time comes, I… I don’t know what I’ll do.”
That was a lot of new information at once. This Ban person, those five years… “Are you telling me the truth?”
“Why would I lie about this?” Momo sighed. “It’s embarrassing to admit that I’m nothing but a fake idol. But… I just can’t deal with it sometimes. Sometimes, I wish I never asked to be his partner.”
“Maybe that would’ve been for the better.”
“But then,” Momo continued, “I think that Yuki would’ve given up on singing, and… That’s worse than being replaceable. I want Yuki to sing forever… I want him to be happy. But I can’t do it… No matter how much I try, I just can’t reach him…”
“I don’t understand what you see in Yuki,” Ryou admitted. “From what I’ve seen, it’s like you do everything for him without getting anything in return. Isn’t that unfair?”
“You’re wrong. Yuki is… Yuki gave me my life back. He gave me a…” Momo smiled sadly. “He gave me a new dream. His music reached me when nothing else could… it brought my heart back to life. He’s my partner… He became my new family after I lost mine… He’s all I have.”
Ryou’s mind was starting to drift away until that last part. He stared at Momo. “What was that about your family?”
“I don’t have a family…” said Momo. “They kicked me out when I became an idol. My sister hates me now… Because I took Ban’s place. I made her cry…” His voice trembled. “Last time she talked to me, she was angry and crying. Then our parents decided it’d be better if I went away. So I… I left home. Dropped out of college, lost contact with most of my friends… But it was fine, because Yuki was there with me.” A tiny smile took his lips. “He’s always there with me, even if he doesn’t look at me.”
Momo took a sip from his glass. Ryou watched him, silent for a long while. “You never told me any of that.”
“Yeah…” said Momo. “I never told Yuki either. The reason I left home, I mean… He’d feel bad if I did. I don’t want to make him feel bad.”
Ryou wasn’t so good at empathizing with others, but he could understand where Momo was coming from. Momo adored Yuki, so obviously he wouldn’t want to show him a pathetic, broken side. Besides, those things could become weapons against Momo himself the moment Yuki got tired of him. It made sense he chose to keep those things to himself—Ryou would certainly have done the same.
What didn’t make sense was why Momo was talking so openly about it to him.
“And why are you telling me this?” asked Ryou.
“I don’t know…” Momo let out a small, humorless chuckle. “I guess I’m just drunk.”
A reasonable response.
“Ryou…” Momo continued after a while. “In three years, when I reach my expiration date…”
“Do you mean leaving Re:vale?”
“Yeah…” Momo nodded. “When I stop being an idol, will you still look at me?”
There was something in his tone of voice that Ryou couldn’t properly identify.
“How about you?” asked Ryou. “Will you still look at me when you have nothing left to gain from our friendship?”
He expect a clear “yes”, even if it wasn’t an honest one. Instead, Momo stayed silent for some time.
“Is that really how you see it?” asked Momo.
“Am I wrong?”
Momo gritted his teeth. “Of course you’re wrong!”
“Why do you still come here, then?”
“I told you…” Momo let out an exasperated sigh. “I like you, Ryou. You’re an asshole sometimes, but—”
“Woah…” Ryou raised both hands, forcing a grin. “We’re getting really honest here.”
“—I know you’re a good person,” Momo finished, ignoring his interruption. “I want to get closer to you, but I don’t know how. You just won’t let me… Just like Yuki.”
Yuki, again… This time, however, the comparison didn’t anger him.
“I’m not like Yuki,” muttered Ryou.
“Yeah…”
Ryou thought briefly. “I’m looking at you.”
His answer seemed to grab Momo’s attention. “Are you?”
“I always am, in case you didn’t notice.”
“I did.” Momo showed a slight smile. “I’m always looking at Ryou too. Even if I don’t know how to reach you, I’m always looking. Like I’m watching the sea.”
Ryou raised his eyebrow, amused. “Why do you keep comparing me to the sea?”
“‘Cause you feel as big as the sea,” said Momo. “It’s so large and beautiful, but kinda scary too. And I… I feel like I could drown if I tried to swim too far, but… I just can’t look away.”
There was an alert in Ryou’s head: he was getting too close. After so many deceptions, he had decided not to fall for it again. And yet…
“If I told you I won’t let you drown,” said Ryou, “would you keep swimming in it?”
“Yeah…” Momo giggled. “I’d swim all day, and… when I got tired, I’d have a picnic on an island.”
A picnic…? “You’re making even less sense now.”
Momo didn’t even seem to hear his words. “I would swim until I found Ryou, deep down.”
“And then?”
“I’d scold him for getting so far.”
Ryou watched as Momo leaned forward, resting his head on the counter.
“I’m not far, though,” said Ryou. “I’m right here.”
“You may be here now, but you’ll just go away again tomorrow.”
“I won’t.” Ryou showed a slight smile. “So… How about we have that picnic together next time?”
Momo laughed at the suggestion. “Sounds fun.”
As absurd as it could sound, Ryou agreed. Maybe the alcohol played some part in it, but, at least at that moment, he didn’t want to push Momo away—that part of him that longed for some kind of connection hoping it would be different this time.
Maybe this time…
“You know, Momo…” said Ryou. “When you leave Re:vale, the two of us should do something together. What do you say?”
There was no response.
“Momo?”
Ryou looked at Momo, who had fallen asleep. Not surprising, considering how much he drank that day. It was disappointing to have the subject cut short just before he got an answer, but… now that the moment had passed, it became clear that Momo would have refused it. Why would he be interested if his beloved Yuki wasn’t involved, after all?
Those thoughts were enough to embitter Ryou’s mood once again—maybe it was better that he never heard Momo’s answer.
“You could at least have walked to bed before falling asleep…”
Ryou sighed, then placed Momo’s arm over his shoulders. He was heavier than he looked, so the small trip between the kitchen and the guest room was an ungraceful one. Ryou half placed, half let Momo fall on the bed.
“Momo?” Ryou called. “Are you listening?”
There was no sound in the room other than Momo’s peaceful breaths.
“I want to believe you,” Ryou muttered.
But he couldn’t. Because he knew how those things were fated to end, he simply couldn’t.
Suddenly, he craved another drink.
The next morning started with an annoying headache. Ryou’s resistance for alcohol wasn’t low, but the previous evening had been… something.
“Good morning…” said Momo, walking into the kitchen. Judging by his expression, his morning wasn’t being much better.
“Ah, good morning!” Ryou showed a wide smile. “Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah.” Momo sat on the couch, bringing a hand to his head. “I think I drank too much yesterday. Can I have some water?”
Ryou filled a glass with water, offering it to Momo, who drank almost all of it in one go.
“Say…” Ryou made a brief pause, observing him. “Do you remember what happened yesterday?”
“What?” Momo tilted his head. “Did I do something embarrassing?”
“Oh, so you don’t…” Ryou forced a grin. “Interesting.”
“Why?”
“Nothing…” Ryou took the empty glass from Momo’s hand, taking it to the sink. “You just said some interesting things.”
“Did I?” Momo widened his eyes. “Like what?”
Ryou hummed to himself. “Why would I tell you, when I could use it as blackmail in the future?”
“You’re merciless…”
“It’s just part of my job.”
Momo chuckled, but soon that laugh faded into a silence that lasted for a while. “I lied… I remember it.”
His words made Ryou look at him, intrigued. “Oh?”
“Ryou…” Momo lowered his head. “Please, don’t tell anyone what I told you about Re:vale. About me…”
“Having an expiration date?”
Momo winced. “Yes.”
Ryou placed a finger over his lips. “My lips are sealed.”
“And…”
“And?”
Momo took a deep breath. “Before it comes to an end… Won’t you go watch me sing?”
Ryou met his gaze, sustaining it for a few seconds. Then, he dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. “I’ll pass. I’m done with idols.”
“Ah…” Momo averted his gaze. “I see.”
“I’d love if you came to play with me again, though,” added Ryou with a grin.
Momo forced a smile. “Maybe another time… I should be going back now.”
“Don’t you want to have breakfast here?”
“No, it’s fine.”
Momo threw his bag over his shoulder, walking to the door. He stopped before it, looking back. “Ryou…”
“Yes?”
Momo hesitated briefly, then shook his head. “Nothing.” He raised his hand, waving at Ryou. “I’ll see you later, then.”
Ryou returned the gesture. “Bye-bye.”
Without another word, Momo closed the door behind his back, leaving Ryou alone in his apartment once again.
In a way, that day had been the end of the illusion. He and Momo were still on friendly terms, and still spent time together every once in a while. Yet, it was now clear that it would never go beyond a superficial bond. The conversation they shared that day, which made Ryou foolishly expect a different outcome, had been a result of the many drinks they had, and nothing else.
So, Ryou couldn’t tell the reason why he made his way to that crowded place, filled with people in Re:vale t-shirts, carrying green and pink lights. Maybe he still needed a final confirmation… One final reason to give up for good.
The live show started. Momo and Yuki got to the stage, greeting the fans with their sweet words, wide smiles, and annoying married-couple act. They sang and danced, while their fans cheered and screamed their names. For a brief moment, Ryou wondered how it felt to be there, on that stage—not that he would ever know.
Part of him wished he could, though… Be admired, be accepted, be loved… For once, not be the younger son, or the undesirable lover, or the one in second place. For once in his life, he wanted to be seen.
But, as expected, Momo didn’t look in his direction even once.
Ryou wanted to be angry. He wanted to walk away from that place. He wanted to hate the Momo who didn’t look at him. He knew Momo had just said what he wanted to hear that day… He knew that was just how idols were. He knew he would always be in second place. He knew it was a lie. He knew it, and yet…
Ryou opened his mouth, yelling with all his breath. “Momo!”
His voice was drowned by the sound of countless others. A pitiful attempt to get what he craved so much but would never—
Momo met his gaze, and time seemed to come to a halt. Momo’s eyes widened, then his face brightened even more than usual. He pointed in Ryou’s direction with a big smile, and winked.
I see you, his expression said.
Ryou didn’t react, his gaze still on that stage. As the music continued, a smile slowly took form on his lips.
Ah… So this is what it feels like.
After the end of that show, Ryou went to the parking lot, waiting until Re:vale finally appeared, accompanied by their manager. Ryou approached them. “That was an impressive show.”
Momo turned around, facing him. “Ryou! I didn’t think you’d come.”
“Why, I wouldn’t miss a chance to watch my favorite idol.” Ryou winked, imitating Momo’s gesture from before. “I even got a fanservice out of it.”
I saw you.
“Of course you did,” Momo grinned. “It’s the least I could do after hearing you call my name so loudly.”
You saw me.
“My, my…” said Ryou. “That’s embarrassing.”
Momo waved his hand, dismissing his words. “C’mon, there’s nothing embarrassing about it.”
Yuki observed them, seeming slightly uncomfortable. When he noticed Ryou’s gaze upon him, he narrowed his eyes. He placed a hand on Momo’s shoulder, calling his attention. “Momo… We should be going.”
“Ah, right,” Momo looked at Ryou. “Gotta go now. Thanks for coming!”
“Go visit me again soon,” answered Ryou. “I’ve bought a new game I’m sure you’ll like.”
“Okay! I’ll text you later, then!”
Ryou watched as Momo and Yuki entered their manager’s car. He still didn’t like Yuki, or the fact that he would always come in second place for Momo. He hated it, and yet… It was the first time he felt a warmth like that. He didn’t want to let go of it, no matter what.
A friend… Yes, that was probably it. He was an idol, but also his friend. That was the difference… If he called Momo’s name, no matter where or when, he was sure he would turn to face him, and remind him that there was one person who saw him for who he truly was—and who accepted it all with a smile on his face.