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The last time Heeseung had seen everyone was the time he graduated high school. Well, not really everyone, Heeseung had left for his flight before he arrived.
That was almost five ago now and as Heeseung disembarked from his plane, with his carryon luggage on one hand, he really wasn’t looking forward to meeting everyone again yet, his older brother had insisted he come home for the holidays—and he’d always have a soft spot for his older brother.
Heeseung watched the snow fall on the other side of the large windows as he waited for his suitcase. He’d never told his group of friends that he was coming home, nor had he sent a message on their group chats since he’d gone away which meant he had essentially ghosted his friends. For five years, he stayed on low profile, pretending he doesn’t exist within his former circle.
Except for Jongseong, who he had met by accident while the guy was attending a fashion show in New York. They had chatted briefly over coffee but Heeseung had found an excuse to leave early. Jongseong was suspicious but he had agreed to let the older man go.
And of course, Jaeyun, who insisted on sending him messages, texts and voice, even though he never replies. Sometimes, he even leaves his phone at his apartment just to avoid reading the younger guy’s messages.
If Heeseung could start over, could have the means to disappear and then become a new other person, he would’ve jumped at the very first opportunity that presented itself.
“Yo! Lee Heeseung!” He heard his name being called as soon as he exited the glass doors of the airport. Despite the cold weather and his heavy reluctance at being back here, a close-lipped smile appeared. Video calls and voice calls peppered throughout the years doesn’t give his brother justice.
Although they were only half-brothers—their father had married Heeseung’s mother three years after his previous wife had died in an accident and Heeseung was the result of their marriage a year later. He and his older brother are four years apart yet Heeseung grew up close to him like a moth to a flame.
He quickened his steps and pulled his coat tighter, snowflakes softly landing on him as he crossed the distance between him and his older brother—giving the man a one-armed hug. The older man patted his head and walked towards the driver’s side of the car. “Glad to see you.”
Heeseung leaned over the passenger’s side window and gave its occupant a greeting. The older woman just smiled. “Why don’t you get in? It’s much warmer inside the car.” She said kindly and Heeseung nodded before opening the backseat door. As soon as he situated himself, he let out a sigh of relief. The car’s internal heating immediately took effect.
Jungkook laughed and Heeseung kicked the back of his seat lightly. “You sound like an old man.” His older brother teased.
“I’m jet lagged.” He answered and sunk further on his seat. The woman gave a chuckle. “Don’t tease Hee. It’s not as if you don’t act like that after a long day at work.” His older brother pouted at the scolding before he turned to Heeseung and gave him a tongue out. Heeseung gave an exasperated sigh as Jungkook pulled to drive. "I don't even know why you're marrying him."
"Honestly, me too." Lisa shrugged, looking at Heeseung with mischief in her eyes. Jungkook looked at her in mock offense and the two started to bicker, the younger guy snickering at their antics.
Heeseung won't admit it out loud, but he'd missed this.
Jungkook and Lisa had always been a constant in his life and they'd been together since the two were in high school, so he was actually happy his older brother finally got the courage and asked her to marry him. A feat Heeseung cannot find in himself, no matter how hard he tries.
Heeseung hadn't known when the two voices inside the car had drowned out or when the soft roar of the engine became his lullaby but the combined feeling of jet lag and safety made him close his eyes and fall into a deep sleep.
Still, his mind ran with trepidation at the thought that he would be so close.
-
Riki and Sunghoon decided to celebrate their birthdays together—that was the first thing Heeseung had read, accidentally, as he opened his phone. He really should just decide to change his number but something stopped him after so many failed attempts and he doesn’t like the implication it brought.
After Jungkook had driven him home from the airport, he immediately took off his coat and went to bed still wearing his clothes from the trip.
Glancing at his bedside clock, it was still six in the morning. If this was five years ago, Heeseung wouldn’t have woken up this early, but this wasn’t five years ago and he was already awake so he slowly got himself out of his bed. His room really hadn’t changed that much—it was still the same room when he had left.
He slowly trudged over his suitcase towards the bookshelf in the far corner of the room. The picture his friends had taken of them back when everything was fine and he was obviously naïve stared back at him, a mockery of the fact that he can’t go back to those days. Then, there was a picture of him and Jungkook when the older man had graduated high school and of course, a random photo of the sky—he was sure it was Sunoo who took the photo and he had liked it very much so the younger guy gave it to him as a gift.
Don’t get him wrong, he liked all his friends and the days he spent with them. He liked the late night conversations at the park and fast food drive-thrus. He couldn’t have asked for a better circle of friends. It’s just, Heeseung had realized something and it scared him—scared him to the point that he pushed them away.
Shaking his head, he walked from his bookshelf towards his suitcase, trying so hard not to stare at one empty frame amongst the others.
He finished putting away his things before Jungkook knocked on his door and opened it, the older man looking like he was already awake even before Heeseung had opened his eyes. He must’ve gone for a run.
“Breakfast?” Jungkook asked, crossing his arms and leaning on his door frame.
Heeseung couldn't help the smile that showed on his face. “As long as there’s coffee.”
-
Sat in front of the television, Heeseung waited for Jungkook to finish brewing the coffee as he flipped through the channels. The smell of coffee in the morning immediately woke up his senses. Their house hadn’t changed that much—their parents kept it looking like their childhood home. Their parents must’ve missed them as Jungkook owns an apartment upstate, one he has with Lisa, and Heeseung was overseas.
Just for the holidays though, the whole family would stay at the home both brothers grew up in. Heeseung missed his parents very much, but they won’t be home until Christmas Eve since they had to be in Paris for a vacation.
“Did you tell any of your friends you’re home?” Jungkook asked as he brought his and Heeseung’s coffee towards the younger man. Heeseung shook his head. He’d told Jungkook not a single thing about why he had been so distant to everyone right before he left for New York and Jungkook had respected his privacy—something the younger man was thankful for.
“Still not talking to them?” Jungkook asked once again, sipping his coffee. Heeseung wondered if this was breakfast. “No.”
Before Jungkook could pry any further, a large yawn escaped Lisa’s mouth who was coming down the stairs. Her hair was in a messy bun. Jungkook greeted his fiancé with a kiss on the forehead. “Morning, want some breakfast?”
Lisa mumbled a reply which made Jungkook laugh and stand up to cook breakfast. Finally, Heeseung thought. Lisa occupied the space Jungkook had left and grabbed the older man’s coffee, taking a sip.
“Blegh. Too bitter.” She said and immediately placed the mug back down. Heeseung laughed. “It woke you up.”
Lisa just made a face at his witty remark. “Thinking of something else?” She questioned.
“What made you say so?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the dull show he had stopped on.
“Because, you’re watching the television instead of reading the paper. It’s not like you.” Lisa remarked offhandedly, although there was a little worry in her voice as well. Heeseung’s eyes widened a little bit and he took a glance at the morning paper situated right in front of him.
“Not in the mood to think.” He shrugged.
“You’re worried about seeing your friends?” Lisa asked directly. Heeseung scoffed. “Jungkook was more discreet about the topic.”
“I was always the frank one.” Lisa teased. He gave her a worn-out smile.
“I haven’t seen them in so long.” He said, finally taking his coffee in his hand and taking a sip. “They haven’t changed that much.” Lisa answered.
Heeseung just shrugged and continued watching the TV. He really doesn't need his mornings to start like this. He was sure Lisa was just looking out for him but he had decided to cut ties completely.
Then why the hell had he continued using his old phone number?
“Breakfast is ready.” Jungkook called over and the smell of eggs and French toast wafted over to the two in the living room. Lisa immediately bolted while Heeseung slowly stood up and grabbed the two coffees.
“When did you learn to cook breakfast?” Heeseung asked as he sat down while Lisa helped Jungkook by setting the table for them three. “Back when Lisa was pulling consecutive all-nighters in uni and I didn't want to get hungry.”
Heeseung watched the couple and envied how smoothly they seemed to dance around each other. He wanted that dynamic with someone, a certain someone to be exact, and as the thought surfaced in his mind, he immediately suppressed it down—somewhere the light will never reach.
-
The moment the doorbell rang, Heeseung had a bad feeling already. Yet, something in his mind told himself that he was only paranoid. It would be a great coincidence if someone he was avoiding suddenly comes, right?
Wrong.
Heeseung stood dumbfounded as he came face to face with Riki.
The younger guy had grown taller over the past years and actually stood a little bit taller than the twenty-three year old.
“Heeseung?” Riki whispered, also shell-shocked at the sight of the older man.
Riki hadn’t changed that much, he had the same dancer’s body he had in his early teens and he kept the blonde hair—which really suited him. Heeseung immediately glanced behind the younger man—checking to see if the others were with him. Thankfully, they weren’t.
“Why are you here?” Heeseung said a little harshly, the panic in his voice prominent.
“I—I was just about to ask if Jungkook and Lisa can come to my and Sunghoon’s party.” Riki said, a little taken aback by Heeseung’s tone but more shocked to finally see him after five years.
Heeseung’s mind raced. Jaeyun had also texted about the party but he didn’t think it would be today. It was still two days before Sunghoon’s birthday. He hadn’t expected to run into someone, not if he can help it.
“Does anyone know?” Heeseung whispered, keeping his head down. The emotions in Riki's eyes were too much for the older man—questioning, surprise, happiness, and confusion. Heeseung hated how observant he was.
“No. I was shocked you were home.” Riki said, his voice still bearing the shock. “We asked Jungkook countless times about you but he avoided our questions. Said it’s your decision if you wanted to talk to us or not.”
The first signs of a panic attack were now surfacing on Heeseung’s mannerisms. The clenching-unclenching of his fists, the non-stop tapping of his right foot, blurry vision, and short breath intervals—Riki hadn’t seen Heeseung undergo another panic attack, not since he thought the others had been in an accident.
“I’ll—I’ll just call them later. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you’re here.” Riki appeased the older man and went in to comfort him but Heeseung stepped away, clutching his chest area—like Riki’s presence was bad for his heart. The younger man looked with fear at what was happening.
Heeseung had been very close to Riki growing up, he and the younger guy was always the one to perform on dance competitions on behalf of the studio they were studying in so seeing Heeseung reject the comfort the youngest had offered hurt Riki more than he had let on.
“Heeseung, who’s at the door?” Jungkook shouted and when he appeared in the front hallway of their house, Heeseung looked at him like he was asking to be saved. Jungkook’s disposition immediately changed and he gave a sorry smile to Riki who was still fearful of what was happening. Before Riki could say anything, Heeseung collapsed and Jungkook ran to catch him before he fell on the floor.
Riki crouched down, looking at Heeseung with worry. “Is he okay?” He reached out and attempted to touch his friend’s shoulder before withdrawing his hand. He wasn’t even sure if he can still call the older guy his friend anymore.
“He’s just—“ Jungkook didn’t continue, he hadn’t expected Heeseung to react like this nor had he expected his younger brother to run into one of his old friends this early. He should’ve just not made him come.
“We’ll go to the party. But for now, I need to take him upstairs. It’s just jet lag.” Jungkook assured, only wanting to appease the youngest of Heeseung’s friend group.
Riki said nothing but he was also looking reluctant to leave. After a minute, he stood up and walked towards his motorbike, glancing one last worried look at Heeseung before putting on his helmet.
-
When Heeseung awoke, the sun was already starting to set.
His head pounded painfully as he remembered seeing Riki standing outside their front door. He started to catch his breath once again when he heard his bedroom door open. Jungkook stood with a grey hoodie under a red and black flannel shirt, which was unbuttoned. “Are you okay?” His older brother asked.
“Yeah. Just—just tired.”
Not buying his pathetic excuse, Jungkook entered and sat on the edge of his bed. “I didn’t expect your reaction to be that dire.” He leaned forwards and placed both his elbows on his knees. “What happened five years ago?”
“Nothing.” Heeseung avoided the question. He doesn’t want to talk about this to anyone, not especially his brother. He sat up and backed up on his bed, his back flushed against the headboard, and pulled his knees towards his chest—feeling like he was eighteen again and too scared about what he had realized.
“Bullshit. Hee you don’t faint when seeing your friends. That is not a reaction to ‘nothing’. Did they do something to you?” Jungkook had always known Heeseung’s mentality was up and down, he was too much of an empath and would feel things twice more than the average person but would always keep his problems to himself if he felt like it would bring the dynamics of the team down.
He was as much as self-sacrificing as the next martyr.
“No. They didn’t do anything.” Heeseung said, looking pleadingly at his brother. “They—it was more or less my decision to run away.”
“Hee, I want to help you with whatever this is.” Jungkook gestured to the space between the two brothers. “But I don’t know how to, since you won’t tell me anything and I don’t want to see you self-destruct. Running away from your problems won’t give you answers and definitely will not solve whatever it is.”
Heeseung felt foolish. He was already a grown adult. So why the hell was he still adamant to face his problems head on? Tears pricked the corners of his eyes and were already threatening to fall when Lisa came in and rushed towards Heeseung, tackling him in a hug.
“We’re sorry.” Lisa cried, tightening her hold on his neck. “We shouldn’t’ve made you come here.”
Heeseung’s eyes widened. Touched by the both of them. He patted her shoulder. “I’m fine.”
He audibly swallowed, no one had known about this for years—no one except someone from New York after one drunken confession but Heeseung was also tired of constantly running away. Tired of pretending like he was okay and tired of not having his friends with him—they had been through thick and thin together after all.
Maybe it was time to at least tell his older brother and his soon-to-be older sister. Maybe they won’t accept him after they know. Maybe they’d demand him to go back to New York. Maybe they’d stop babying him and maybe he’d lose them both.
But maybe they’d help him through this and help him figure things out.
The weight of the world wasn’t supposed to be burdened, after all.
So with a deep breath, Heeseung decided to tell them his deepest secret—one he had locked away in the recesses of his mind and threw the key. Jungkook and Lisa listened attentively, tears falling down the older woman’s face.
Yet, as Heeseung told them the secret, they never shied away from grabbing his hand, one in between each of theirs, and smiling encouragingly.
Heeseung felt tears pouring from his eyes at how lucky he was to have them.
-
Heeseung sat alone in the darkness of their living room.
He had insisted Lisa and Jungkook continue to the party so as to not disappoint Riki and Sunghoon, while they told him they would stay with him. Still, he knows they can’t resist the thought of unwinding and seeing his friends and, in extension, theirs too.
He recalled the first time he and his friends had met, in one of the studios Jungkook and Lisa had worked part-time at. He remembered being impressed by Riki’s dance skills. He remembered laughing at Jongseong’s jokes and crying with him when they thought he’d stop attending the studio. He remembered Sunghoon and his very aloof persona which seemed to have disappeared once he felt comfortable. Sunoo and his ability to brighten up a room every time he smiled. Jaeyun with him being their comfort person, especially on nights Heeseung was too tired to function. And Jungwon with his strong mentality and sassy remarks.
Heeseung missed being with them and Lisa and Jungkook made him realize that maybe his insecurities and worries are all in his mind. Yet as he thought of telling them the truth, his hands shook and his heart beat faster than when it would after he spent hours in the dance studio.
It hurts, it very much hurts.
His phone rang, shocking him out of his trance. Glancing at the caller ID, It was Jaeyun.
He stared at it and watched as after a while, it cut to voicemail.
“Hi, it’s Jake. I do hope you haven’t forgotten me.” A chuckle. “Maybe not after I’d left voice messages on your phone like a couple times per week. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that Sunghoon and Riki are celebrating their birthdays together today and I know you’re overseas and me calling you is probably a bad idea because of the international call fees but I just feel like I needed to invite you, ya’know?”
Heeseung almost laughed at Jaeyun’s accent. It was nostalgic and he felt like someone was stabbing his heart with longing, like what he feels every time he sees notifications of their group chat.
“Anyways, one more thing on why we decided to hold Riki and Sunghoon’s birthday together is that something big has happened. Guess what?” The excitement in Jaeyun’s voice was tangible as Heeseung felt like he was definitely curious. His friends would celebrate almost anything in the universe but this time, he felt like it was something big. His heart beat faster with anticipation and also fear—he felt like if he heard Jaeyun’s next words, it would either end him or lift him up. Either way, he waited.
“Jay and Jungwon got together! Isn’t that great!?”
Heeseung almost bit his tongue clean off his mouth, his heart beating wildly in his chest.
“It was a shock to all of us, honestly! It’s kind of a triple celebration thing. If you decided to show up then it’s a quadruple celebration. We miss you dude. When are you coming back?” Jaeyun’s voice turned fragile. Heeseung sat rooted on the couch, his mind still processing what he had heard.
“Yo Jake! We’re cutting the cake, you coming?” Heeseung heard from the other line, Jongseong’s voice wafting over the distance between them. “Yeah, I’m coming! Anyways, I guess you’re busy. Talk to you later.”
Before Jaeyun ended the call, Heeseung heard something that made his heart crack and long for at the same time. It had been years since he heard that laugh. He wasn't able to stop the hot tears slowly falling down his face.
And for the first time, since his realization, he faced what he felt head on and acknowledged the feeling—of acceptance and heartbreak.
-
While the party was going on, Jungwon decided to go to the rooftop to get a breather.
It was already past midnight, yet the party still raves below him. The soft snowfall threading into his dark hair seamlessly. He was elated and worried at the same time about making Jongseong and his relationship public. Though he knows their friends are accepting of such trivial things, it still worried Jungwon.
Jongseong and he had only been together for a few weeks, three if he remembered correctly, but it felt like it had been their anniversary based on their friends’ reaction. Letting the snowfall caress his exposed cheeks, Jungwon wouldn’t even acknowledge that a small part of him felt nothing but a gnawing void.
He carefully scanned the crowd below and watched as some guests walked towards their cars, calling in for the night.
Jungwon felt his heart jump to his throat when he saw a very familiar gait walking opposite the crowd going home. Blinking a couple times to make sure he was seeing correctly, Jungwon felt complex emotions he had never felt, since he last saw the person, bubble inside him.
He’d only dreamed of seeing that figure again for years yet now, as it was undoubtedly in front of his eyes, a single tear ran down his face. With his heart beating fast, he immediately walked towards the door leading to the stairwell that would guide him towards where everyone is.
His heart beating erratically like it was its first time pumping blood.
-
Heeseung stood outside the doors of where he used to take dance classes—pulling the bucket hat lower on his head. It was on impulse that he felt like he needed to be here. Jungkook had texted him the address and told him it was up to him whether he comes or not—his older brother must’ve heard of the third reason for the celebration.
He bowed down when a couple he didn’t know walked past him towards the parking lot.
His palms were starting to sweat and even though it was winter, he was starting to feel like he was subjected to fire. He was about to turn around when he heard a very familiar laugh coming from the inside. As the glass doors slid open, Jaeyun waved to two other guys Heeseung didn't know. A pang of jealousy arose within him, these were people Jaeyun had befriended while he was gone. Though, he can’t fault the other guy as he had also found friends overseas—albeit not as close as they appear to be.
“I’ll see you tomorrow!” Jaeyun shouted at the two men before turning and seeing Heeseung.
Everything was in slow motion—the widening of Jaeyun’s eyes, the beating of Heeseung's heart in his ears—until time seemed to snap and suddenly Heeseung was inside a very tight hug.
“You’re here! You’re really here!” Jaeyun shouted and jumped up and down, it hurt Heeseung’s ears how close the younger guy was to it while shouting but he cannot help the emotions surfacing once again. He had felt like fainting, the earlier panic attack he had when Riki showed up acting out but ever since his talk with Jungkook and Lisa, he had at least a little control over his emotions.
“Did Riki see you when he went to your house earlier?! Why didn’t that brat tell me?!” Jaeyun asked rapidly, making Heeseung’s head spin. “C’mon! Everyone must see you! I missed you so much!”
Without Heeseung’s approval, Jaeyun tugged the two of them inside the building, the glass doors sliding open and the warm air of the heating inside the building was a relief to Heeseung’s body. Yet, he stopped at the threshold of the door—afraid to face his past.
Jaeyun looked back at him in surprise before realization crossed his face. “I’m sorry.” The younger man said, immediately dropping his hand. “I thought you might want to come in and didn’t ask you if you would like to.”
Heeseung found it easy to give the younger man a smile. “It’s fine.”
At the sound of his voice, Jaeyun started to tear up. Heeseung panicked and immediately grabbed his handkerchief from the back pocket of his pants and offered it to the younger guy who took it but never used it to wipe his impending tears, “It’s been so long since I heard your voice.”
Heeseung could only nod as he stepped inside the building and let the sliding doors close behind him.
Jaeyun continued to glance behind him as he led the way—making sure this Heeseung was real and not just a figment of his imagination, making sure that he was really there and their OT7 would be complete once again.
Heeseung only followed Jaeyun silently, taking in the various differences the hallways had since the last time he’d been in here. It felt nostalgic yet somehow different. He felt the panic rise within him once again as his eyes wandered to various posters up on the walls where it had used to be blank.
He felt his heart on his throat when he saw a picture of them seven, when they had won their first competition—smiles wide and arms around each other, but you cannot miss the tears running down their faces. Tiny needle-pricks danced across Heeseung’s arms as he stared into the eyes of the past Heeseung who looked like he could take on the world—a different time and certainly a very different person.
He read the plaque written below and felt a surge of raw emotion rise within him, almost making him let out a choked sob but he had bit his lip as to not let it escape.
Our Pride and Joy.
Jaeyun looked back and strode towards the older man who was staring at the picture of them hung up on the wall.
“That was the first thing the owners did when you went away.” Jaeyun said as he stepped closer, putting his hands on the pockets of his jacket. “They had intended to display a photo of you but Jungkook threatened to quit and said it would not be right not to get your consent. They instead posted that.” Jaeyun gave out a chuckle like he had reminisced about that day, Heeseung stayed silent.
“Jungwon cried when he saw that the next day. It was the second time I saw him cry.” Jaeyun said, which made Heeseung flinch a little, his legs itching for him to run away.
But before he could even take another step, a voice interrupted him—freezing him on the spot.
“What took you so long? Everyone’s waiting.”
Riki came out to the hallways, a sound of some song mixes escaping as he opened the door to where they probably held the party. Neon lights danced across the white-lit corridors then disappeared along with the immediate freezing of Riki’s steps.
“Riki! Guess who came! Why didn’t you tell me he was home?!” Jaeyun bounded over the younger man, looking like a puppy whose owner just got home from work.
Heeseung felt guilty about what had happened earlier with Riki. He must’ve scared the younger man. Another wave of panic ran through his body.
“I—I guess I’m going home. I’m still tired.” Heeseung said as he turned around and willed himself to take another step.
“You’re staying, right?” Riki asked, ignoring what Heeseung had said. The pleading in his voice laced with hope silenced the voices that told Heeseung he should run away.
He took a glance at the two other men and he instantly regretted his decision. As he saw the hopeful gazes they give him, he found himself unwilling to say no.
The three of them were practically inseparable before. It was always them who started the chaos that the seven were known for. Always them who stayed up late playing video games. Always them who Heeseung had found easy to talk to regarding problems he was too shy to talk to others. Always them who took care of everyone while they were stressed about competitions and school works. Heeseung missed them both, maybe as much as they missed him.
He let out a deep breath and forced a smile on his face. Besides, he had already decided to lock his feelings away once and for all when he drove towards here, might as well reconnect with everyone before he goes back to New York and finally cut ties with them—this time, permanently.
“But if you’re really tired, it's fine.” Jaeyun added, feeling the hesitation in Heeseung’s body language.
“No, it’s fine. A couple hours couldn’t hurt.” The tackle the older man got from the two made them fall backwards and Heeseung can’t help but let a smile grace his face, even though his backside hurt from the impact.
The two younger men didn’t let go of their hold even when he had tapped both their shoulders. Heeseung let them, feeling the finality of his decision and decided to indulge Riki and Jaeyun—although, he would be lying if he said he didn’t enjoy the feeling of familiarity with them in his arms.
-
Sunoo worried for Riki and Jaeyun who had not yet returned—Jaeyun had seen friends of his outside and Riki had gone after him when they thought he was gone for far too long. Still, what’s worrying him more was the way Jungwon was acting.
The twenty-year old was practically bouncing on his feet with what looked like anxiety in his veins. Ever since he came down from his little trip to the rooftop, Jungwon had been acting like this—as if knowing that anytime soon, a bomb would go off.
“You alright?” Jongseong said as he tapped the younger man’s broad shoulders. Sunoo almost looked on with envy but kept a straight face. He wouldn’t let his cowardice ruin the night for all of them.
“Just excited.” Jungwon answered. It was a weird answer too since nothing was left to be excited for, they had cut the cake, wished Sunghoon and Riki a happy birthday, gave them their surprise gifts, and Jungwon and Jongseong had already announced their relationship. So what was left to be excited about?
Jongseong didn’t say anything but gave Jungwon a smile. Sunoo looked away and scanned the room. There were still at least a dozen left. He watched as Jungkook and Lisa freestyled on the dancefloor, their moves unsurprisingly matching even in an impromptu dance session. He let out a smile. It was always a treat to see those two dance together, although they taught different classes there were times where they’d do joint sessions and have everyone partner up.
Sunoo also watched as Sunghoon intermingled with what was left of the party. Sunghoon wasn’t that friendly growing up, maybe Jaeyun’s mannerisms had rubbed off on the Ice Prince.
When the door opened, Sunoo was sure he was only dreaming.
Riki and Jaeyun chatted animatedly at a man who only nodded along but never looked like the two men had bored him. He was wearing a bucket hat and a grey trench coat. He was taller than when Sunoo last saw him—back at the airport when he had left them behind and practically disappeared.
As if feeling all eyes on them, Riki and Jaeyun stopped their conversations and faced the remaining people with big smiles.
“We have a fourth reason to celebrate!” Jaeyun yelled.
Jungkook and Lisa stopped dancing and Sunoo can see the worried look the two gave each other before the older woman ran and hugged Heeseung—whispering something to him that even Riki and Jaeyun hadn’t heard.
The rest of Jungkook’s friends went over and patted Heeseung on the shoulders welcoming him. They immediately went back to their corner and continued chatting amongst themselves. Sunoo somewhat envied their friendship—they had stayed together as seven even if some of them had been busy with their careers. Of course, Sunoo couldn’t hold it against Heeseung, he loved the guy yet he also wanted an explanation on his sudden disappearance.
Out of the rest of them, Sunghoon was the first to snap out of his initial shock and almost flew over to where Heeseung was, hugging the man for a second and then asking him a thousand questions to which Riki stopped and told Sunghoon they should at least let Heeseung meet the others first.
Sunoo smiled at the youngest, he had grown up to be someone dependable.
Jongseong was next and raced over to his best friend, smacking him in the head. “You should’ve told me you were coming!”
“Nice to see you too, Jongseong.” Sunoo watched as the man slightly flinched at the name, Heeseung never called him his real name before—except on times where he was teasing the other guy. “You can call me Jay, it’s not like you lost your best friend privileges just because you ghosted me for years.” Jongseong said with a hint of teasing and of course, the familiar sadness and longing.
Sunoo looked over to Jungwon who was standing frozen in his place, his earlier vigor gone and replaced with something Sunoo knew but would never admit to knowing. He walked over towards the younger man and patted his shoulder, bringing him out of his trance.
He gave him a smile, one which he returned with a glassy look in his eyes.
“Everyone’s waiting.” Sunoo said and pushed the other guy slowly, making him take his first step. Sunoo looked back towards the group and found everyone looking at them with encouraging smiles. Although Sunoo knows Heeseung’s smile was more afraid than encouraging, he still commended the older guy for trying.
Sunoo had always looked up to him and called him an angel that one time he was helping another student learn the dance even though he had to learn his part in a short amount of time as well. Elation filled his heart when he looked at Heeseung situated in the middle of their semi-circle, he really missed him—everybody did. His disappearance had impacted them more than he would admit.
Jungwon inhaled a breath next to him and his bouncy self was back, Sunoo gave him a wry smile before they took another step together. Sunoo’s heart ached when he glanced at Jungwon’s face.
He knew that expression too well. He’s watched that expression staring at him in the mirror everyday Lisa and Jungkook held their joint classes—every time he partnered up with the youngest.
Sunoo also took a glance at Jongseong and his heart hurt more. Because he was sure the guy could see through Jungwon’s expression as well. Maybe Heeseung shouldn’t have come.
-
Heeseung sat with his older brother’s friends—with a bit of persuading from Lisa at the sight of him turning pale once his circle had talked to him and asked him a lot of questions, which he had a hard time answering.
He played with the long island in his hand and swirled the drink around. Riki and Jaeyun had almost insisted they come with him but Jungkook said that they should be with their friends and let Heeseung rest for a bit. He was, of course, thankful for the older man but he also felt guilty when he saw the sadness in both their eyes.
There was also the unreadable expression on Jungwon’s face when Heeseung congratulated Jongseong and his relationship. Jongseong actually blushed, which somehow coaxed a chuckle from him and boisterous laughter from everyone else, and Jungwon just said thanks and smiled—making Heeseung’s heart clenched tightly.
He stole glances at his friends who stayed on one side of the room, yet his eyes lingered a little bit on Jongseong's arm around Jungwon’s shoulder. When he moved his gaze, he met eyes with Sunoo who gave him a small smile, sympathetic if Heeseung would put it, and it made his panic rise once again. Sunoo gave him a surprised look at his reaction and moved to apologize.
Heeseung slammed the glass a little harder on the table and looked away, Sunoo’s sympathetic eyes haunting him and placing the key to his locked away problems directly on his hand.
“Are you okay?” A deep voice asked Heeseung which made him immediately look up.
Jungkook’s best friend looked at him with worry. Heeseung really hasn't interacted with him much aside from when Jungkook’s friend stayed at their house to hang out and Heeseung would be lying if the older guy’s presence didn’t somehow calm his panic.
“Y-yeah.” He struggled out.
“You can step outside if you want, to get a breath of fresh air. Nothing’s stopping you.” The older guy smiled and gestured to the side, indicating that Heeseung was free to go. His boxy smile was calming and made Heeseung nod and stand up on wobbly knees.
“Thanks.” Heeseung mumbled before racing towards the door that was sure to lead him towards the rooftop. He’d memorized the building so that he can navigate it with his eyes closed, but that was before and if the layout had changed, he was sure to get lost.
But the fear of Sunoo knowing his secret was greater than any fear of being lost, he needed to get out—to get away.
“Heeseung!”
The sound of his name being called made him walk faster, almost jogging away. He doesn’t want to see anyone right now, nor talk to anyone. If he did, he wasn’t sure he could keep what was bothering him bottled up and he didn’t want to spill.
He had already decided to keep it between himself, Jungkook and Lisa.
“Heeseung, wait! What’s wrong?” The sound of footsteps running to catch him echoed towards the empty stairwell—he was glad the layout of the building didn’t change. “Please wait!”
He didn’t stop, not until his knees gave out and he fell on them, grasping the hand rail to at least stop him from falling backward. “Go away, please.” He whispered.
At the sight of him on his knees, Jaeyun ran faster towards him trying to help him up. Heeseung had always been the stronger one but Jaeyun looked effortless as he hauled the older man up. Heeseung panicked, thinking Jaeyun would drag him back to that suffocating place, only to find out that Jaeyun would take him to the rooftop instead.
As the cold wintry air hit both of their faces, Heeseung let out a large gulp of the biting cold like he had stopped breathing and his body badly needed the intake of oxygen.
Jaeyun let the older guy breathe in and watched as he exhaled a breath out. He repeated the process a couple more times before his knees stopped shaking.
“Heeseung, I’m worried.” Jaeyun began, walking towards the railings and leaned his back on the metal—looking at Heeseung, at the deer caught in the headlights. “When you suddenly walked out Riki told me about what happened in your house earlier. He said you fainted when you saw him. He said you had a panic attack and the last time that had happened was because of our stupidity.” Jaeyun looked at Heeseung pleadingly. “And just now you were on the cusp of one.”
Heeseung just stared, his breaths coming out in the form of white smoke.
“Can’t you tell me anything? It doesn’t have to be the whole story but at least enlighten me. I want to help.”
Heeseung felt the familiar presence of tears in his eyes and Jaeyun immediately walked towards him, handing him back his handkerchief—the one he gave Jaeyun earlier when the guy was about to cry.
He played with the fabric on his hands before taking a step forwards, leaning his whole weight on the railings with his elbow. Jaeyun followed suit but kept silent, waiting for Heeseung to start talking.
Like he learned, it was better to rip the bandage off quickly than slowly peel it away. Heeseung was tired, very much so, and everything was just too much. Besides, he doesn’t care anymore—so what if everyone finds out, he had planned on never coming back after all.
And this was Jaeyun. His ramyeon buddy—he can trust him. And he was done pretending that these sort of feelings weren’t true.
So with a deep breath and willing his tears not to fall—he had been crying a lot more today than normal—he decided it was best to share his burden with one more person and tell it to the wind.
He looked outwards, towards the soft lights of their hometown. He would for sure miss this view. He smiled, directing it to no one in particular.
“I like Yang Jungwon.”
Heeseung panted as sweat dripped down his forehead towards the hardwood floor below. In just a second, he was already back to his original position waiting for the music to loop back and perform his dance solo once again.
His mind has been occupied by college applications and his impending graduation that he had forgotten to practice his part on the recital. He cannot bear to mess this up for everyone since they had been working non-stop for this.
He heard the music cue and immediately his body started to move—the muscle memory of what to do next overwhelmed everything in his mind. Riki had shown him his choreography earlier and in half an hour he had marked the steps completely but his execution was off, way less powerful than what the song demanded.
When the song finished, his knees gave out and he sprawled on the floor, his breathing heavy and his shirt soaked with his sweat. He let the song loop again, wanting to take a rest before going back to practicing.
He glanced at the analog clock above the large mirrors of the room and groaned when he found out it was already nine. He’d only have one hour of practice before the owners would kick him out forcefully and insisted him to take a rest.
He forced his body to sit up pushing one arm on the hardwood floor. He was about to pick up his steps from where the music currently was when the door opened and a mop of brown hair peeked in. Heeseung’s heart jumped to his throat yet he never knew why it does every time he’s near Jungwon.
“I brought ice cream.” The younger guy said, raising the plastic bag in his hands. Heeseung smiled and beckoned Jungwon over, sitting back down on the hardwood floor. He scooted over to his phone, which was connected to the Bluetooth speakers that surround the room, and pressed the un-loop function—letting random songs from his library play.
The younger guy had brought ice cream like he said, but there was also ramyeon which he then proceeded to pour hot water over to where the refreshment station was. Jungwon sat in front of Heeseung and offered him his share of ramyeon and ice cream.
Heeseung gave a small thanks and broke his chopsticks apart, immediately eating the heavenly food despite it still being hot. Jungwon laughed and followed the older guy, albeit being a little more careful. They ate in silence, the only noises that could be heard was the occasional slurping of the noodles and the music playing from Heeseung’s phone.
Heeseung let out a satisfied sigh once he had finished his ramyeon and moved to the tub of ice cream Jungwon bought for him. Opening the lid, he smiled widely when he smelled the familiar fruity smell of Rainbow Sherbet, his favorite ice cream flavor. He wasted no time in sinking his plastic spoon into the dessert.
“It’s late.” Heeseung said as he swallowed another spoonful, addressing Jungwon who had finished eating his ramyeon and was now opening his own tub of ice cream—Heeseung could already guess what flavor it was.
“You’re here too.” The younger guy said and placed a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth, catching the unspoken question in Heeseung's statement. Jungwon just seems to get what he was thinking and he’d like to think he does that to Jungwon too, which, gauging the younger guy’s reactions, were correct.
“Riki told me you might push yourself too much and since you don’t listen to them, he told me to come get you.” Jungwon said, shrugging. Heeseung, picking up the playful banter that could happen, immediately answered the younger guy. “So you’re here just because the others forced you to and not because you were personally worried for me?”
“Yes.” Jungwon didn’t miss a beat when he answered. Their eyes met and mirth radiated across them that Heeseung thought Jungwon must’ve held the universe in his eyes. After a moment, they burst out laughing, their voices echoing around the room and coiling to the sound of the music.
“But seriously though, you should not push yourself too much.” Jungwon said worriedly. Heeseung gave him a smile of reassurance. “I just have to pin the moves down to a t and I will go home. Don’t worry.”
After they finished eating, Jungwon stood up and gathered their trash, also pretending to gather Heeseung up which made the older guy playfully react by chasing the younger guy around the room.
When Heeseung finally started going back to practice, Jungwon watched with fascination at how meticulous Heeseung was when it came to dancing. He doesn’t have clean lines like Riki does but he always evokes the emotions behind the song he was performing. It was beautiful watching him and Jungwon sat there bound by his beauty.
Here and there Heeseung would ask him to criticize his form and Jungwon would tell him to extend his arms more or open his palms instead of clenching them but Jungwon really couldn’t find any fault in Heeseung’s dancing.
He shouldn’t dance based on the choreography and should dance to his own beat, Jungwon thought Heeseung shined more when he was left freely in the dance room and not bound by the choreography. It was like watching a master carve a sculpture to life and Jungwon can’t help the admiration rising to his chest.
When the last notes of the song wafted and faded into silence, Heeseung’s hard breathing was amplified. Jungwon stood up and clapped his hands which made Heeseung a little embarrassed but somehow proud.
“You’re ready for tomorrow.” Jungwon said and walked towards him, handing him a towel. He gave a small thanks before wiping his sweat with it.
He and Jungwon cleaned up and exited the practice room, not forgetting to turn off the main switch.
As Heeseung and Jungwon arrived in the parking lot, Heeseung noticed that only his car was left parked and it was also too late to ride the bus.
“I’m taking you home.” Heeseung said and walked towards the driver’s seat, opening the door. He watched as Jungwon fidgeted hesitantly before sighing and opening the passenger’s seat.
Heeseung hadn’t been with Jungwon in his car with only the two of them, it was always with either Jaeyun or Riki, so he can also feel the awkwardness between them as the familiar loudmouths of their quartet were missing. Although Jungwon and him had been close—it was a different kind of close than what he had with the others. Jungwon wasn’t that open yet Heeseung can feel immense amounts of pressure on his shoulders. The others had always remarked him as the mentally strong one, opposite Heeseung who thinks of himself as the more emotional one despite being the oldest.
Pressing play on his dashboard and letting music fill the silence, Heeseung pulled out of the driveway and drove towards the direction of his passenger seat’s home.
Despite the initial awkwardness, Heeseung had found that he enjoyed the silence. It wasn’t suffocating nor was it awkward once he heard Jungwon humming the tune of a song familiar to him. And Heeseung found himself longing for more moments like this.
When a familiar song plays, Heeseung can’t stop himself from singing.
“What if we run away? What if we left today? What if we say goodbye to safe and sound?”
The smile on Jungwon’s face lifted Heeseung’s spirits up.
At the next lines, Jungwon joined in and it became an impromptu karaoke session with Heeseung’s favorite person. Jungwon closed his hands to a pretend microphone and sang to the song even though he never knew the lyrics. Heeseung, being confined to little movements since he was driving, nodded along and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel.
Jungwon occasionally places his closed fist near Heeseung’s mouth where Heeseung would pretend to sing into it—making the younger guy laugh.
“My youth is yours.”
When the last notes of the song ended, the two found themselves breathing heavily with smiles as wide as the universe. As Heeseung slowed to a stop at a red light, he chanced a glance at Jungwon who was fanning himself—his cheeks flushed in happiness and his smile still gracing his lips and Heeseung couldn't help but feel a tug in his gut.
He found himself staring and when Jungwon pointed out that the light had turned green, Heeseung stammered a nonsensical excuse before pulling the car into a drive once again—his ears turning red which was thankfully covered up by his hair.
That night, Heeseung was kept awake by the picture of Jungwon in his passenger’s seat and the gorgeous smile that danced on his lips as they sang a multitude of songs together.
-
Heeseung knew he was in deep trouble when, after his performance, he was met with a big tackle by none other than Jungwon—who clung to him even as he walked towards the rest of his friends. They were all smiles at the success of their recital and it made Heeseung tear up, all the trouble and late night practice they’d gone through was well worth it in the end.
“Heeseung! You were great out there. Even when you forgot the next step and you freestyled.” Jungkook announced as he slowly clapped for his younger brother. Heeseung was disappointed he had forgotten the steps but he was up all night distracted about his weird feelings towards the person currently latched onto his neck.
Heeseung felt conscious about how he smelled, especially since he just finished performing but when the younger guy pulled away with the same smile as last night, Heeseung thought to hell with everything.
Congratulations were exchanged and finally Heeseung was faced with the dilemma of where he would go for the next step in his education. He had wanted to be an English lit major or maybe take up law, depending on where he would pass but that was the problem, he didn’t know where to apply.
Then there was this weird feeling in his gut whenever he was near Jungwon.
It bothered him so much and at the same time he was embarrassed about it. Like it was a taboo he was never meant to cross but he had anyway.
They had decided to hold a mini celebration at Jungwon’s house since his parents were away and they had already acquired permission.
Heeseung immediately sat on the porch, the rest of the guys jumping onto the pool despite the water being ice cold. He watched happily as Riki held a struggling Sunoo before jumping on the pool with him, his screams echoing across the night and making the rest of them laugh.
Heeseung felt someone sit beside him and he smiled to find it was Jungwon.
He leaned backwards, bracing his body with his arms as they sat silently watching over their rowdy bunch of friends.
“I heard we raised a lot of money tonight.” Jungwon said and opened a can of cola—the fizzing sound of pressure being released was what Heeseung had felt after they finished the recital. “I’m sure it was because of Riki’s and yours’ solo stage.”
Heeseung scoffed. “The audience was filled with girls who had a crush on Sunghoon.”
Jungwon laughed and the unfamiliar feeling once again surfaced in Heeseung’s gut. It was weird and it scared him.
“It doesn’t matter who brought in the audience, as long as we raised more than what our goal was.” Jungwon leaned back, copying the older guy’s position. “It’s going to the orphanage down the block right?”
Heeseung nodded. All profits they’ve had from all their recitals and competitions were given to the orphanage down the street, the owner said he came from there so he wanted to help, Heeseung and the others also wanted to and suggested they should enter competitions—which were surprisingly fruitful.
Another round of laughter erupted as Jaeyun and Sunghoon locked Jongseong between them and they ran towards the pool. Jongseong’s shouts to stop fell on deaf ears as the other two cannonballed into the water.
Jungwon stood up and brushed dust from his shorts. He looked down at Heeseung and the older guy found himself trying to catch his breath.
“You’re not joining in?” Jungwon asked and Heeseung replied something lame making Jungwon laugh. Heeseung couldn’t take his eyes off the younger guy as he started to run towards the pool and jumped, joining the others inside the chlorinated water, some of it splashing his feet.
Heeseung pulled out his earphones from his pocket and listened to music, something he knew would for sure take his mind off things. But after a couple of minutes, Riki and Jaeyun were in front of him, trying to carry him towards the pool. Despite being dragged, Heeseung couldn't help the laughter escaping his mouth as he tried to make them let him go. Jungwon appeared on his side as the younger man plucked the earphones and his phone off him right before the two tossed him in the water.
When he resurfaced, Jungwon was bent over the poolside offering his hand to him with the widest smile on his face. He took his hand and pulled, taking the younger guy back into the pool.
As the night went on, Jungwon couldn’t be seen away from Heeseung’s side and that made him realize something he had been ignoring ever since they first met.
He was starting to like having Jungwon around him. And that made him want to bail.
He suddenly excused himself and said he was going to the bathroom but instead he was going home. Grabbing his phone, in one of the poolside tables, he marched towards the inside of Jungwon’s house and out into the front door.
Never minding his wet clothes, he drove towards his own house and immediately went to his bathroom to take a hot shower. He texted an excuse to Jaeyun and turned his phone off before the other guys had any chance to call.
As he tossed his phone towards his bed, he felt the urge to face palm. Groaning, he carried his body to his bedroom and tried not to beat himself up for being too impulsive.
He had left his earphones at Jungwon’s house. He had wanted to go get them but decided against it.
He wasn’t ready to face the object of his affection after all.
-
He had always been attracted to Jungwon, he only closed himself off because it wasn’t normal. He was supposed to like girls yet here he was pining over Yang Jungwon, who obviously didn’t like him that way.
Heeseung stayed inside the house with excuses like preparing for college entrance exams and their final exams to which the others reluctantly accepted. In all honesty, he wasn’t even studying one subject. His days were composed of himself lying flat on his back and trying to forget his absurd feelings for one of his friends.
Despite knowing Jongseong first and being closer to Jaeyun and Riki, Heeseung had always depended on Jungwon for everything. It was like, as long as Yang Jungwon was there, Lee Heeseung could never stray from the shore. He’d found himself thinking about times where he was too tired to get up and grab some food after an intense dance class yet Jungwon would offer him a plate that he had gotten for him.
He was also someone who listened actively and doesn’t sugarcoat when it comes to hard truths. He can pour his every problem out to Jungwon without fear of being judged even if it was trivial. Everyone was a good listener, everyone doesn’t judge, but Heeseung’s anxiety and his always trying to please everyone was almost his downfall. And then Jungwon sat him down and talked to him, making him realize that sacrificing himself for the team every time isn’t the best habit Heeseung has.
Presently, Heeseung curled into a ball. His body felt hot and he was sure he was coming down with something, but he didn't want to worry Jungkook or his parents so he slowly stood up and sat in front of his computer.
He doesn’t like what he is feeling now. Doesn’t like that he realized he was in love with one of his friends. Doesn’t like what the others would probably say if they knew.
He wanted to run away.
And the opportunity arrived much earlier than he expected.
-
As Heeseung watched the tearful faces of his friends. He tried to smile, patting Riki’s head affectionately.
His eyes darted for a familiar set of eyes yet he couldn’t find it. Figures, he thought. He was the one who practically ghosted them the past few weeks up until his graduation and then he announces he’s going overseas to study law.
Everyone congratulated him but questions were obviously running through their minds and Heeseung wasn’t in the mood to answer them.
He was emailed by one of the US’ top universities that he was eligible for a scholarship. He was shocked when he had read that email but they told him that the essay he had written back in his first year in high school had somewhat earned a renown and if he passed their entrance exam, he would be admitted to the school along with accommodation, food and transport allowance.
Of course, he took the opportunity. It was his chance to run away after all.
He took another glance back to where his friends and his family were waving at him, wishing him good travels, but he couldn’t even feel the elation of being given the opportunity to study overseas—he continued looking back wishing one last sight of Jungwon but the younger guy didn’t appear.
He boarded the plane with a heavy heart and a much heavier resolve to forget all about his feelings and starting new.
He played with his newly bought earphones—wireless ones that Jungkook gave to him as a gift—and he wished it was the wired one that he had left that night at Jungwon’s house.
He plugged it in his ear and he almost teared up when the song he and Jungwon sang that night played. He remembered the smell of the asphalt road as his and Jungwon’s hair flew around their faces from the wind. Jungwon’s eyes as it sparkled with happiness when he got a word wrong.
And just the memory of Jungwon.
Heeseung heaved a sigh.
Jungwon was the one, just not for Heeseung.
“How idiotic, am I right?” Heeseung sniffed, his nose red not just from the cold but also from his overwhelming emotions. “I ran away because I was scared. Because I assumed I’d never had a chance. Turns out I might’ve had one but I was just too cowardly to admit my feelings.”
Jaeyun watched Heeseung with sympathy in his eyes. He had watched Heeseung give away things or parts in their dance routine when other people wanted it, even if he himself wanted it.
To be honest, Jaeyun didn’t know how to react. When Jungwon and Jongseong had announced their relationship, Jaeyun had been happy for them but as he learned the reason why Heeseung disappeared back then, Jaeyun couldn’t find that happiness in him anymore.
“Does anyone else know?” Jaeyun asked, his voice soft like he was trying not to startle the other guy.
“My brother and his fiancé. They were the only ones I told freely and there was someone in New York who I might’ve told because of too much alcohol.” Heeseung gave Jaeyun a sad smile. “And I’d appreciate it if you could keep it to yourself too.”
Jaeyun nodded. “This someone in New York—“ He let his question follow without any words. Jaeyun wished Heeseung would say yes.
“No. He’s just a friend. A fellow scholar like me and we get together quite well. He listens well and empathizes with my problem but I know he’s straight.” Heeseung said in one breath. Although, there were many nights he wished he could try and turn his feelings towards Geonu but he can’t. It’s like being out of the frying pan and into the oven.
Jaeyun didn’t want to give Heeseung false hope nor did he want Jongseong and Jungwon to break up but Heeseung deserved to know and Jaeyun doesn’t want his favorite person to suffer like this. “The day you said you were going overseas, Jungwon cried overnight.”
“He didn’t come because he was afraid to show you that your absence would affect him greatly and knowing you, you’d probably stay behind to not make us sad so he stayed home.”
Heeseung’s eyes widened a little bit before a soft smile played on his lips. “It’s too late now, but thanks Jake.” He was sure he would miss Jaeyun the most, next to, of course, Jungwon. Heeseung almost felt guilty about what he had planned to do knowing the others would once again be left wondering why he left and placing a burden on Jaeyun for making him keep the reason to himself.
They stayed in silence letting the snow gently fall around them, coating their bodies in soft whites. Heeseung had taken his bucket hat off so the snow tangled in his hair looking like stars dotted on the night sky.
The door squeaked open and two heads turned towards the sound—both eyes also widening at the same time.
For Yang Jungwon stood in front of them and Heeseung was back to almost panicking.
Jaeyun, feeling the panic roll off Heeseung’s body in waves, addressed Riki who had accompanied Jungwon.
“Were you there the whole time?”
Riki looked confused. “We just came here, the others were worried about Heeseung and Jungwon came with me to find you both.”
Jaeyun, feeling the opportunity to somewhat give Heeseung the closure he deserves, walked towards Riki and placed a hand around his shoulders—the youngest looking so confused yet still followed Jaeyun’s steps.
“Heeseung still needs to breathe some fresh air. I’ll talk to everyone.” He looked back at Heeseung and smiled, giving him an encouraging nod when the older man looked like he would jump off just to get out of the situation. “Jungwon, why don’t you accompany Heeseung just for a while?”
Before Jungwon could give his answer, the door to the rooftop closed—its metal clanging noisily throughout the night. Jungwon stood in front of Heeseung and the older guy barely looked at him before turning around—going back to his original position before Riki and Jungwon had arrived.
“Hey.” Jungwon said and slid next to Heeseung, a few feet away from him.
“Hey.” Heeseung answered, his voice distant like he was trying to close off himself. “Congratulations once again. I didn’t know you two liked each other that way.”
Heeseung almost winced at the words that left his mouth. But this was for the better, the more he hurt himself the more accustomed he’s going to be to the pain. A different kind of self-harm.
Jungwon smiled and Heeseung wished he hadn’t.
“It was a surprise at first. Jay had asked me out and I thought it was just one of our normal hang outs but he confessed and I accepted.”
Jungwon’s words were like a stab to Heeseung’s heart. Jungwon looked beautiful, haloed by the pale glow of the moon, the snow drifting around him like they were too afraid to touch something so perfect. Heeseung could only look.
“That’s good. I’m really happy for you two.” He tried to sound upbeat but the heaviness in his heart showed and Jungwon looked at him, like really looked at him for the first time that night. There was something dangerous in his eyes and Heeseung could only stare in shock.
“Are you?” Jungwon challenged but before the older guy could answer, he immediately turned around and went back to watching the cityscape beneath them.
“For years I wondered if I had done something wrong to warrant such a disappearance from you.” Jungwon began his voice a little bit hostile, a little bit of sadness, and a whole bit of confusion. “I tried to think of ways to justify why you’d suddenly become distant and suddenly announced you were going abroad. Then once there, you literally cut all ties with us and even Jungkook won’t answer questions about why.”
Heeseung stayed silent.
“Then I realized that you started becoming distant after the recital.” Jungwon moved his feet back and placed his arms flushed against the railing, his chin jutted out and placed on one of his arms. “I figured it was the hug.”
Heeseung whipped his head so much that the snow on his hair fell in torrents around him.
“After I hugged you I thought you must’ve felt uncomfortable.” Jungwon said and turned his head towards him, placing his ear in his arm instead of his chin. Heeseung wanted to run his hands on his cheeks but stopped.
“That was never the reason.” Heeseung began and looked forwards, afraid that if he continued to look at Jungwon, he might hate himself. “And you will never make me uncomfortable, Yang Jungwon.”
Jungwon chuckled. “It’s Lee Jungwon remember?”
Heeseung stood frozen, hearing his surname in Jungwon’s name turned his knees to jelly and if he hadn’t been gripping the railing so hard, he might’ve face planted on the ground.
“Lee Jungwon and Yang Heeseung.” Jungwon said once again, this time going back to his first position, his chin on his arm. “We always used to call each other by our surnames. Now that I look back at it, it was a silly thought.” There was a wistful smile on Jungwon’s face, reminiscing the old times. Heeseung let out a breath of relief and remembered that they had done that. It made their dance teacher frustrated but it only spurred the duo, masking their silent snickers like they each knew a secret only for them.
“You’re not going to tell me why you disappeared?” Jungwon questioned and Heeseung thought how lucky Jongseong was for being the one for his Sheep Garden. Heeseung lopsidedly smiled, the familiar feeling of their constant bickering and teasing making him revert to his old self—even if the pain in his chest blossomed and it was hard to breathe.
“No.”
Jungwon groaned and stood up. He leaned back and anchored his body with his grip on the railings. “It’s always a guessing game with you.” He complained and Heeseung couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and wiping a stray snowflake that landed on Jungwon’s forehead. Jungwon’s eyes immediately opened and found his.
His hand fell to his side in an instant—the feeling of the other’s skin lingering in the heat of his fingertips.
When Jungwon straightened up, Heeseung couldn’t see the look on his face because he immediately turned around and walked towards the rooftop access door. “Are you staying?” Jungwon asked, his voice wavering a little bit. Heeseung doesn’t know if he had meant to ask if he was staying on the rooftop or if he was staying here, in their hometown.
Heeseung watched Jungwon’s back for a while and recognized the yellow smileys on the elbow portion of his cardigan—once belonging to Heeseung but now sat on Jungwon’s shoulders. His heart ached and he forced himself to swallow the lump that formed on his throat.
Jungwon hadn’t known he was home, hadn’t known he was coming, yet he still wore his cardigan and Heeseung admits it looked better on Jungwon than it did on him. He smiled sadly. Jungwon was out of his reach now, this is goodbye.
“No.” He answered his earlier question—an answer to both implications.
Jungwon nodded and opened the door and walked inside. Heeseung pushed away from the railings and craned his face outwards, watching the snow fall from the overcast night sky.
Walking towards the door, he shook his hair free of the snow and placed his bucket hat back on. And instead of going back to the party, he continued down the hall towards the parking lot. He doesn’t know if he can keep himself together seeing Jungwon and Jongseong happy.
Despite his best efforts trying to control his emotions, the tears started once inside his car. Letting himself feel the heartbreak, Heeseung sobbed into his steering wheel finally letting his suppressed emotions go. When he felt like he had enough to cry, he started his car and pulled into the highway, never reaching to turn on the car speakers—he was just so tired to hear another love song.
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Jungwon silently closed the door to his bedroom.
He recalled that as he watched the plane take off, he felt like that was the last time he would see Heeseung—for at least a very long time. The older guy had appeared rough and unkempt but he kept his blinding smile. He hugged Riki and Jaeyun, something primordial had danced in Jungwon’s mind as Jaeyun refused to let the older man go, and gave Sunoo and little pat on the head before the younger guy ran in for a hug.
Jungwon had heard from Riki that Sunoo and Heeseung had gotten closer over the course of the older guy’s stay. He had asked Sunoo what they have been talking about and why they’d grown so close but the sunshine would just look at Jungwon sadly before telling him that it was a secret, with a hint of teasing.
Jungwon dropped the subject after he’d lost count at how many times he’d tried to pry information from Sunoo and just let the two do what they’re doing. Sunghoon, surprisingly, was the first one to cry and Heeseung had tried to appease the younger man by running his hand on his hair and telling him he’ll keep in touch. Then, Heeseung promised Jongseong they would meet up when he’d be in New York for some fashion show yet Jungwon knew it wouldn’t be the case.
Like he knew Heeseung was cutting ties with them permanently. It was their final goodbye.
He’d always been good with discerning the older guy’s implications. The final hug he and Jungwon had shared was like a last attempt at a lifeline, yet at the same time both of them let go.
Jungwon felt guilt rack his body as he fell face first into his mattress.
He was already dating Jongseong now so why the hell was his mind still full of Heeseung when the older guy had never shown signs of interest?
He turned his head and stared at the bottom-most part of his drawer, where he had kept Heeseung’s earphones—the one he’d left behind when he abruptly left that night after the recital.
He had been an admirer of the older guy for years even before they met. He’d watch him perform on school programs and shine brightly as the sun would shy away. It was the first ever wakeup call for Jungwon that he doesn’t like girls, he likes Lee Heeseung.
So imagine his surprise when they met at the dance studio his mom had enrolled him in. It was as if fate pulled their threads closer and Jungwon wanted nothing but to let it tangle together. Too bad it was only supposed to fall side by side.
The night Heeseung had driven him home was one of the best nights of his life and even if he stared directly at the night sky, nothing can compare the universe he’d seen inside Heeseung’s eyes that night. He crawled towards his drawer and fished out the pouch he placed the earphones in.
Jungwon had amassed his courage and decided to confess that night. Despite the gnawing fear that Heeseung might be disgusted by the younger guy’s feelings for him. He was willing to take a leap.
If only Heeseung had come back for his earphones then maybe Jungwon would’ve had a chance to tell him how he felt—how he still feels.
He felt another wave of guilt.
He only dated Jongseong to try and forget Heeseung, which was an asshole move on his part, but no one had known about his feelings for their oldest and until now, his heart hurt at their final goodbye.
If he were lucky, he’d totally forget about him and maybe learn to love Jongseong, yet one part of him doesn’t want to forget.
“What if we run away?” He whispered to the wind, reminiscing the way Heeseung’s eyes twinkled when they both sang it in the front seat of his car.
Jungwon curled into a ball, clutching the earphone to his chest and letting tears fall from his eyes.
Heeseung walked the streets of New York without really any goal direction in mind. He loosened up his tie and shook his hair thinking that if he did so, it would somehow take his tiredness away.
The case he’s handling now was a head scratcher as his intuition told him his client was not guilty—he never took jobs where he immediately felt like the client had done the crime—but he cannot find any evidence to back it up. All evidence was incriminating towards his client’s involvement.
He scratched his head once again, his body had been running on only two hours of sleep for the whole week—he badly needed caffeine and rest but the latter could wait.
Checking his phone, he narrowed his eyes at the notification he’d received from Geonu.
“Who is it this time?” He mumbled, complaining at his best friend and his constant setting him up on dates he doesn’t even want to be on. Geonu could be obnoxious but his presence was always a grounding point for Heeseung.
Luckily, he was near the café Geonu had mentioned to meet up in. He flinched as another notification made his phone vibrate, one from Jungkook who sent him pictures of his niece—he badly wanted to pinch Layla’s cheeks.
He replied and told his brother to pinch his niece’s cheeks for him.
Opening the café doors made the small bell give off a tinkling sound—signifying that a new customer had come in.
He immediately spotted Geonu who was obviously watching for him to arrive and was already waving him towards their table. He adjusted his suit jacket over his arm and walked towards Geonu and another person he couldn’t see since his back was to him. Heeseung placed one palm on the pockets of his pants.
“Who is it this time?” He said tiredly to the smaller man who gave him a wide smile. The person Geonu was sitting across from flinched at what Heeseung assumed was the malice in his voice.
“Come on, Hee. It’s just a new face from work. You know, the architect I told you about.” Geonu said, looking at Heeseung pleadingly. “And he’s not available, I told you he’s already married.”
Heeseung couldn’t mask the grateful smile that who he was meeting wasn’t some blind date Geonu had set up. He closed his eyes and walked towards his friend, kicking him in the shins to make him scoot over.
As soon as Heeseung felt the lush cushion under him, he immediately sank into it, reclining his head.
“I’m sorry he’s an old man.” Geonu said to their companion who only chuckled. Something jogged in Heeseung’s memory and he opened his eyes, finally looking at their companion for the first time. Heeseung’s eyes widened.
“Long time no see.” Jungwon said with a soft smile on his lips. “I didn’t expect I’d run into you here.”
Heeseung stared at Jungwon like he’d seen an angel descend directly in front of him. He hadn’t changed that much, the years only adding to the already perfectly sculpted features of his face. Heeseung’s eyes travelled from Jungwon’s face down to his hands, which were neatly placed on the table.
Heeseung wistfully smiled as he watched the golden band on the younger guy's ring finger glint in the midday sun that filtered inside the café courtesy of the large windows.
“Long time no see, Yang Jungwon.”
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