Chapter Text
Wilbur was dead for a long time before, suddenly, he wasn’t. And he intended to make that everyone’s problem.
“What crimes do ya have in mind today, Wilbur?”
He grinned at Techno and shrugged. “I’m feeling some arson. Maybe a little bit of physical violence, the usual.”
Techno smirked, his red eyes flashing. “This is why we’re friends.”
And now here they were, crouching behind a bush in the woods and collecting a stack of stones to chuck at passersby. The clearing was silent other than the wind and chirping, interjected by booming caws. It was peaceful. Sunlight trickled through the leaves onto the soft dirt, and the air smelled like moss and oncoming rain.
It was empty, and Techno was getting restless, but Wilbur raised a hand to hush him. “They’ll get here soon,” he assured him. “They always do. Have some patience.”
Techno scoffed. “Says a dead man. You’ve got all the time in the world to waste on staring at an empty forest.” Wilbur didn’t grace him with a response, and Techno crossed his arms in annoyance. The voices were telling him to either get out of there or punch Wilbur first, then leave. He was inclined to listen. Just as he raised his fist, Wilbur tugged hard on Techno’s cape.
“They’re here,” he whispered. Three voices grew louder as a group of teens pushed through the bushes and hit each other with sticks. They all shrieked in laughter, even the tall two-toned one who was getting hit an unfair amount. Wilbur rubbed his eyes, but yes, the shortest one did in fact have a bunch of bees on him.
“Ew, children.”
Wilbur gestured to their arsenal, and Techno raised his eyebrows. “Fine, I’ll go first.” Wilbur had been dead for a long time, so when he picked up that stone and smashed it through the branches, he’d never felt more alive. He ducked on instinct when the boys started yelling at each other, and Techno stifled a laugh beside him.
“I’m starting to think you only figured out how to touch things so you could break everything.”
Wilbur shrugged. “I’m not denying that. Now join me, blood god.”
“It was definitely Ranboo,” the blond one insisted. “He’s a wrongun if I’ve ever seen one.”
The two-toned boy stammered in confusion and looked to the bee boy for backup. “I’m literally standing right here! How could I have thrown that?”
“Yeah, he makes a good point, Tommy.”
“So it was you! I can’t believe this. My own best friend, turned against me by a wrongun. This is a terrible day for Tommy Innit.” He threw his hands in the air dramatically and refused to look either of them in the eyes.
“Don’t ya think it’s mean to scare those kids?” Technoblade asked.
Wilbur shrugged as he scooped up another rock. “What I think—“ He reared his arm back. “Is that it’s hilarious.”
The rock collided with the tree beside Tommy’s head, and he shrieked in a very manly and not scared way. “What the fuck!” Tubbo laughed hysterically as Ranboo looked around, crouching as if that would make him less visible. Wilbur rolled his eyes. The guy was 6’6” and had split black and white hair. He would be easy to spot in a crowd, let alone an empty forest.
Techno picked up a rock, and Wilbur smirked. Techno waved him off. “Shut up.” He wound up, then sent it slamming into the tree with an excessive amount of power.
Wilbur sputtered a laugh as the three boys scattered, tripping over themselves. “That was mean, Tech.”
He nodded. “I’m starting to see why you like this so much.”
They made eye contact and immediately knew what the other was thinking. Wilbur counted down on his fingers, then the pair unleashed a barrage of pebbles. They all screamed and scrambled to escape the avalanche coming out of nowhere, and Tubbo shielded the bees buzzing around his head. It took more self-control than either of them had combined to keep from laughing.
Tommy skid to a stop at the sound and turned sharply, eyes burning with anger. “When I catch you, you are dead!” he shouted.
Wilbur sighed. It was time to go. He stood and started walking, thinking about his arson plans and how to keep them from Philza. “There!” Tommy called. “Oi! Get over here you bitch!”
Wilbur turned to look behind himself, but no one was there. Of course Techno had run off. When he turned again, Tommy was staring directly at him, barreling in his direction. Surely he was just looking at something else, right? There was no way he could see him.
The boy slammed into Wilbur, knocking him over with a thud. Wilbur wheezed and instantly kicked the boy off and backed up. “How the hell...?”
“You’ll pay for this, bitch! You don’t mess with Tommy Innit and get away with it!”
He threw rapid punches, and Wilbur raised his arms to protect himself. The teen was surprisingly strong, and Wilbur laughed in disbelief as he blocked him. “Don’t make me punch you back, child.”
“I am not a child! I am a very big man, and I will beat you up so hard.”
Wilbur was entirely out of his element, and he really had no idea where to go from here. What was he supposed to do when being attacked by a gremlin child who could somehow see and touch him. So, of course, he did the logical thing and shoved Tommy off with all the power he had. Tommy landed on his back with a groan, and Wilbur stood, taking a step away.
Tommy lifted his head and raised his eyebrows. “Man, you are massive. Massive rock man.”
Wilbur blinked. “What?”
“You might be taller than Ranboo, holy shit. Maybe even taller than me, but probably not.”
Two more teens pushed through the bushes in front of them, panting and shoving past each other. They were the same as before, the lanky boy and the one who had been avidly staring at bees in the flowers and somehow had them trained.
“Tommy!” the shorter one called. “What are you doing on the ground, you idiot?”
“Oh, shut up!” Tommy said. “Rock man pushed me.” He gestured to Wilbur, who froze.
“What...?” The two looked around, and Wilbur waited until they were both turned away to make himself visible. They landed eyes on him and both jumped.
“Oh, wow, hi, he came out of nowhere,” the tall one said. Wilbur assumed that was Ranboo and realized with disdain that Ranboo was in fact taller than him. Dark magic probably.
“He’s been stood here the whole time.” Tommy sighed. “Y’know, it’s hard to carry this team all the time. Anyway.” He got up and glared at Wilbur. “You owe me an apology for attempted murder.”
Wilbur snorted. “I threw rocks next to you. I’m not sure that counts as attempted murder.”
“Yeah, because you suck at aiming. Apology, now.”
Wilbur raised his hands in surrender. “I am deeply sorry, Tommy Innit, for throwing rocks in your general direction. And also for shoving you. And for scaring you.”
“You did not scare me at all, but I appreciate your apology. That’s Tubbo,” he said, gesturing to the bee boy. “So, what‘s your name, big man?”
He hesitated but figured Tommy couldn’t do anything bad with his name. “Wilbur.”
Tommy wrinkled his nose. “That’s a weird name.”
“Thanks, gremlin.”
“I am not a gremlin! I am in fact very cool and big and stronger than you.”
Wilbur nodded skeptically. When he found Techno, he was going to kill him for abandoning him in his time of need. “Good for you! I’m going to leave now.” He turned on his heel, and Tommy grabbed his coat and tugged him back.
“I’m not done with you! To make up for the wrongs you have done, you’re going to walk us home.”
“What?”
“We are maybe a little temporarily lost. And that is very fine because I’m a genius, but we’re forcing you to help.”
Wilbur shrugged. He could have asked for worse. “Sure. Where do you live then?”
Ranboo hissed something to Tubbo, who waved him off. Tommy, of course, paid no attention to Ranboo’s valid concerns. Instead, he described the house and streets around it, and Wilbur nodded. They began their march, Wilbur being acutely aware of Ranboo’s eyes trained on his back. Wilbur wouldn’t say he was looking forward to this, or that honestly he wanted nothing more than to hang out with them, but he was also not not saying that.
“You’ve got a rip in your sweater, big man,” Tommy announced. “Kinda cringe.”
“You’ve got a stupid face, but I don’t comment.”
“But... you just did,” Ranboo said, and Tubbo patted his shoulder.
“You also look very old and stupid. What’s with that white streak in your hair? You should get that fixed.”
“Are you always this annoying?” Wilbur asked, and Tubbo and Ranboo nodded enthusiastically. Wilbur tuned the child out, which seemed to infuriate him. Tommy kicked him with every step he took. “If you kick me one more time,” he said through gritted teeth. “I will defenestrate you.”
“I don’t know what that means, but I hate you.” Wilbur returned to tuning him out. The walk to Tommy’s house took around ten minutes, and it was a nice neighborhood. White picket fences and all that. Wilbur was unimpressed. Tommy raced to the door and fumbled with the keys, Ranboo and Tubbo in hot pursuit, and fell through the entrance.
“Cheater!” Tubbo yelled.
“You’re just jealous because I’m faster than you.”
Tubbo groaned in annoyance and stomped inside. Ranboo hesitated in the doorway as if unsure if he was welcome, but stepped in. Wilbur followed, feeling even more out of place than Ranboo did.
The house was nice on the inside, too, and consoles, movies, and board games were stuffed under the TV stand. Tommy threw himself on the couch and lunged for the games, and the other two fought to overtake him. Wilbur watched them shove each other and argue about how Scrabble was a terrible game for nerds, and so was every other game ever, and they all hated each other.
“Why don’t we just close our eyes and pick one?” Ranboo suggested. Tommy and Tubbo frowned but turned to each other and nodded in unison. They tossed the boxes on the floor, and Ranboo closed his eyes and grabbed a random one. Wilbur smiled and laughed lowly. Monopoly. They had no idea what they were in for.
“Oh, come on! This game sucks!” Tommy complained.
Ranboo waved him off. “You can’t argue with fate.”
The next hour passed with rising tensions and more anger for one room to handle. “I’m not cheating. I’m just smarter than you.” Wilbur smirked over his massive pile of money, half the properties under his control. “I’ve got the whole picture, baby.”
“I’ll show you smart!” Tommy bit back, then chucked the board at Wilbur’s face. He fell backwards and threw the board back, missing and hitting Tubbo.
“Hey!” Tubbo proceeded to throw a controller at Wilbur’s head.
“Ow! What the— Who raised you?”
By the time he sat up, Ranboo was shielding himself from a barrage of game pieces. “Tommy! I did nothing to you!”
“You know what you did.” Ranboo, in fact, had absolutely no idea.
Wilbur silently stood and retrieved his coat from where it lay abandoned on the couch. He could almost hear Philza’s scolding already. He figured it would be best to leave quietly; he hated goodbyes. He stepped on a— is that a fake gun? And the three teens turned to look at him.
“Where are you going?” Tubbo asked, still holding an entire console over his head.
Wilbur internally screamed. This was just his luck, wasn’t it? “I have to go home at some point. The family’s waiting to yell at me.”
“So you should stay here so they don’t yell at you,” Tommy reasoned. “Obviously. You said you were smart, big man.
“That’s... not how that works.”
“Come on, you don’t have anything to do, do you?” Tubbo protested. He wasn’t wrong.
Wilbur searched for an excuse, then gave in with a sigh. He was not looking forward to Philza’s scolding, and he did want time to plot revenge against Techno. “Alright, fine. But only for the night.” Tubbo fist bumped the air, celebrating as Ranboo grimaced.
Ranboo lowered his hands from their places protecting his head. “Maybe we should, uh... watch a movie? And put our weapons down?”
Tubbo thought about it for a long moment, then nodded. “Temporary truce.”
“I am in charge, so I pick!” Tommy blocked off the TV stand. “We’re watching the best movie of all time.”
“Please don’t say M—“ Ranboo started.
“Moana.”
Wilbur had no idea what that was. Not that he had any choice in the matter. He leaned back on the couch, and Tubbo and Ranboo sat beside him as Tommy perched on the armrest like a bird. Despite Tommy and Tubbo’s scream singing, Wilbur felt his eyes slipping closed half an hour in. When the movie finished, Tommy and Tubbo left to make popcorn, which was strange to do after the movie ended. “I couldn’t possibly wait,” Tommy explained. With the seats freed up, Wilbur spread himself out as far as he could, which was limited considering his long legs. He hadn’t been corporeal for this long of a stretch in a while, and it was starting to sap away at him. So he pulled a blanket on and refused to get up no matter what.
——
Ranboo stared at the man lying on the couch with his brown eyes half-lidded. He looked harmless enough, but he also had been throwing rocks at them a few hours ago. Still, he was... nice. He was sarcastic and acted like he didn’t like them, but Ranboo could tell. He had trained himself to pick up on the little things about people, because it made him feel a little safer.
He watched Wilbur’s tired eyes shut, and then— Ranboo blinked, rubbing his eyes. Where did he go? His blanket had fallen to the couch, and he was gone. How did he move so fast?
He snuck across the living room and peeked into the empty kitchen, the bathroom, then down the hallway to check Tommy’s room. “Ranboo?” Tubbo poked his head out. “I thought you were staying out longer.”
“Yeah, I, uh, this sounds crazy, but Wilbur is gone? He was right there, and I blinked, and he was gone.” Tubbo frowned and walked past his friend to the living room. Sure enough, the blanket and couch were empty. Tubbo sighed dejectedly and flopped down on the sofa. Someone yelled.
He shot up and screamed back, darting to hide behind Ranboo. “What the hell are you doing?” Wilbur asked, his words slurred from sleep.
“How did you...?” Ranboo trailed off.
“Demon!” Tubbo shouted at the top of his lungs.
“Demon?” another voice echoed. Tommy bounded out to join them, bouncing excitedly. “Where?”
Tubbo gestured dramatically to Wilbur. “He just appeared here randomly! Out of nowhere! Ranboo said he saw him disappear, then I went to sit on the empty couch, and he was there again!”
Tommy narrowed his eyes at Wilbur. “What do you have to say for yourself, demon man?”
“I’m tired, and you’re all insane.”
“Don’t try to gaslight me!” Tubbo said.
Wilbur gaped. “What—? That’s a serious accusation, my man. I am simply trying to sleep. Now good night.” He crossed an arm over his eyes to block them out, then peeked at them.
Tommy and Tubbo both went to argue, but Ranboo put his arm out to stop them. He didn’t expect them to listen, so he faltered for a second when they went silent. “Listen,” he whispered. “If we pretend to leave, he might do it again.”
Tommy nodded, then spoke at normal volume. “Farewell then, traitor demon man. I hope you have nightmares about rocks and us all beating you up.”
“Uh-huh.”
They left the room and continued to walk in place to mimic footsteps. The three peered around the doorframe at Wilbur as he scrutinized the seemingly empty doorway then closed his eyes again.
A minute passed. Three. “This is boring.” Ranboo elbowed Tommy. Five minutes went by, and then— Tubbo gasped, and Ranboo tensed. Wilbur was gone, the blankets falling. Between moments, he blinked out of existence. “Holy crap, what, holy crap,” Tubbo repeated.
“What?” Tommy asked, leaning farther to see.
“Did you miss it? He just, like, evaporated!”
“Guys, he’s literally right there.” They stared at him for a long moment, then looked between him and the definitely empty sofa.
Ranboo placed his hands together thoughtfully. “Tommy,” he said gently. “I think you’ve gone insane.”
“What? You’ve got it the wrong way around, big man. Look, I’ll prove it.” He took out his phone and snapped a picture of Wilbur. “There, see—“ Wilbur was not in the picture. Tommy laughed anxiously. “Just a bad shot. Hold on.” He took a few more, and each one was of an empty room. He gulped and turned to his two friends. “Boys, I am starting to think there might be a problem.”
This was either a shared hallucination or a ghost, and Ranboo was really hoping it was a ghost. “Let’s fight him!” Tubbo exclaimed.
Ranboo shushed him. “No, we need to gather evidence. Then he can’t disprove us.”
“And?” Tommy and Tubbo said in unison. Ranboo shivered. Those two were far scarier than a ghost demon.
“And then we can beat him up.”
“Alright, fine,” Tubbo agreed.
——
“Hello, Wilbur.”
Wilbur opened his eyes and winced at the pink fluorescent lights. “Hello, Dream.”