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Sam was drenched in sweat. He'd tried channeling. Then centering. And purifying himself to be sure he was in the best possible shape he could manage. Even a few healing spells. Nothing seemed to boost his energy, despite how well he attempted to eat and how much he exercised.
Six months had passed since losing Dean. Sam knew damn well he wasn't really living, so much as simply going through the motions. Existing, was more accurate. Everyone had either been lost in the collateral damage, or meant well in their multitude of offerings of assistance, but he just didn't possess the spoons to interact.. He appreciated them. All of them. But for a time he longed for solitude in order to work through his grief.
Sam used to laugh at Dean's term of endearment, Team Free Will , even the 2.0 part. Although there's no "I" in team, it was all who was left. Despite his valiant effort to keep moving, keep fighting, hoping with time it would get better, he found himself surrounded by grief so crushing the effort it took at times to simply keep breathing was excruciating.
After this latest attempt in the library to conjure his powers, his heart beat slowed to an uncomfortable rhythm. With each lub- thud, it painfully pounded against the inside of his ribcage and he realized his blood pressure was plummeting. Sam was trying to recenter himself. Meditate. Conjure his powers and maybe, just maybe, if that workeduse them to help and strengthen the healing process.
Dropping the book in his hand, it clattered to the floor. He rubbed the sweat from his face and leaned against the bookcase in the corner alcove of the library. All he'd wanted was to retrieve some of his powers,to feel better. He just didn’t understand why he was so afflicted with this incessant fatigue.
•••
Wiping the cascading tears from his cheeks, Jack stood in the library, invisible, as he did when checking on Sam from time to time. He was perfectly aware he'd lost the two strongest anchors in his life and he knew Sam grieved for him as well.
The wave of misery rolling off the compassionate soul who'd love him so much hit him like a cement wall tsunami. He tried, oh how he tried, making it through each day, choosing to learn control over his gifts courtesy of Chuck. Even with the loving friendship of Miracle loyally by his side, the clicking echo of his nails in the halls brutally reminded him that he was alone.
Sam didn't understand he needed someone else. If he couldn't get beyond the intense inclination to isolate, he'd continue to languish, flushing all his effort down the drain.
Jack knew his intent was pure. All Sam could focus on was research and practice, meditation, summoning and soul work in hopes of arriving at a better head and heart space. Even through his incredible pain, Sam was doing everything he could to begin living the way Dean wanted for him. The way Castiel hoped he would. But at this moment, he could no longer endure Sam's pain.
"You're exhausted. Drained."
He observed Sam startling from the suddenly familiar presence. How it called to his memory of when Castiel would abruptly happen upon them. And then even more crushing grief squeezed at his heart.
At that, Jack rushed forward wrapping his arms around Sam, and he immediately sensed a relief washing through his body, seeping through to his soul.
Jack softly voiced, "I'm sorry you're hurting so much, Sam. What you've been trying to do is good."
He patiently waited for Sam to find his equilibrium before answering.
Reaching towards the bookcase with his left hand, Sam tried steadying himself but slumped into Jack's embrace.
"As much as you're hurting over Dean, I promise I'm hurting as much over how you're feeling," he admitted, though it didn't relieve Sam's emotional turmoil. "I wish I could-..wish things had ended differently. But I can’t..I won’t.." He heard his voice crack with emotion.
•••
Sam had to admit he sounded pretty torn up. "I know you said you'd learned and you're running with a hands off approach. I've been trying to live in healthy ways, channeling and summoning my own powers, but nothing seems to help."
"I know. But you're not replenishing your energy like you should," Jack stated matter of factly.
"H-how do I, how can I without hurting someone else? I won't, Jack. I won't do that," Sam noted a full bodied shiver shaking down his spine.
"I can help you, until you meet the person you're meant to be with," Jack expressed with such confidence Sam assumed he knew exactly who that person was.
"How-who?"
"Not even I know for certain. I see them, they're just sort of.. blurry around the edges. But they have powers too, different than yours, but the kind they can share."
Sam exhaled harshly, it was hard to think through his exhaustion, he hadn't a clue what Jack was going on about. "I-wh-"
"Can I just show you, Sam?" There was a shyness to Jack's voice that to Sam, didn't make any sense.
He was too tired to refuse. "Mmhm."
Sam only blinked and it seemed Jack's lips were molded against his own. It was heaven and confusion with guilt mixed in as well. He put his hand against Jack's chest to push him back, but was met with alarming calm and confidence.
"Wait, it will help you move forward. Sam, you're trying so hard . But you've had such little interaction with anyone in months. You have to allow yourself physical contact."
Falling in the leather chair behind him, it caught his full weight. Jack then slid to his knees in front of him, pulling him into another kiss. He was stronger than he looked, even sounded older than when he'd departed in the middle of the street after their showdown with Chuck.
Sam knew the truth in Jack's words. He hadn't touched or been touched by a single person, for even so much as a hug at least..crap, five months? Jody, Claire and Kaia had given him hugs before they left, after visiting him a few weeks after losing Dean.
•••
"So that's what kissing feels like," Jack stated in wonderment, touching his lips with his fingers.
Distraction from Sam's inner workings momentarily drew his focus away from the kiss to the sudden modicum of clarity in his mind. The looming fog of grief was clearing, yet he was conflicted.
Jack tried reassuring him. "The level of knowledge I have of the universe makes me much more the cradle robber in this situation, hard as that is for you to understand," he explained in between polka dotting his face with kisses and running his hand through his hair gently.
Jack brushing his lips against Sam's once more, was relieved it was helping him realize the degree of isolation he'd imposed upon himself.
•••
Sam's soul thirsted and his body hungered. The physical longing he was familiar with, but the soul..it was as if it had been left in the sun of the Atacama Desert in Chile, blistered and parched. And Jack's kiss gave him something he didn't know he desperately needed.
A chilly, minty..flavor? A soft mist like a frigid breeze snaked into his mouth via Jack's kisses, traveling down his throat, spreading within him. It was like an ice pack to an injury he hadn't known he'd sustained.
Energy, vitality, life itself was flowing into him, restoring every ache and pain. Each beat of his heart straining in its wonky rhythm was a tiny bit stronger than the last.
His eyes, which had been closed before, now opened. Everything was now a normal color whereas before he'd somehow missed that his world had begun taking on shades of muted greys.
Christ , he had to be more careful. As much as he hated living without Dean, his brother would kick his ass clear to Purgatory if he dared show up in heaven before his time. The longer Jack kissed him the more he felt his energy returning and his body finding its equilibrium.
"I've given you some of my human life force. There are other ways of conjuring it, but this is the quickest way and you were really in need. You're on the right path. Keep studying and doing your best to take care of yourself," Jack hugged him for a long time.
"Is..is D-"
"Dean's good. He misses you every bit as much as you miss him. Castiel and the rest of your family are keeping him company. There’s more for you to do here. I'll visit you when I can," Jack promised, giving him a soft smile then disappearing.
Sam ached for him. All the grief for his brother, Cas, everyone they lost came crashing back down on him. He went to his room, deciding on a nap. After a few hours, he was surprised to find himself feeling much better. He could now think very clearly around his grief. The heart within his chest beat strong and true.
Deciding to indulge himself, he made a hearty, plant based meal for him and Miracle. The boost in his mind, body, and soul served as motivation to keep learning how to conjure and maintain his powers, which were still small but growing.
Later in the Dean Cave, as he plopped in one of the chairs and watched Miracle jump in the hideous arm chair beside him, he paused mid reach for the remote only to find it already in his grasp. He'd barely thought about levitation, yet it had flown into his hands as easily as breathing.
Finally giving himself permission, for the first time he really thought about the future and what it could possibly hold for him. Jack had replenished and balanced his life force, which he hadn't realized had been dwindling dangerously low.
It had been so very much like a breath of life.