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“You’re right. It would ruin everything,” she admits and he nods sadly.
Ethan relaxes visibly, relieved that she isn’t fighting him on this. He knows that even though he had a list of reasons to justify why he is putting a stop to things, he isn’t convinced that he had the strength to say them to her. It had already taken everything for him to maintain this distance when she had asked him if she’d done something wrong, and Ethan knows that he has to give her some version of his truth or she would never forgive him for this.
“I need to be able to push you to your limits,” he tries to explain. “To help you become the doctor you want to be. The one I know you can be. I can’t do that if I…”
“If you… what?” she asks, and his mind stops working.
He doesn’t know what it is he feels for her, other than the fact that he’s never felt like this about anyone before. He knows one-night stands, he knows casual flings, and he knows his previous relationships, and none of them felt like this. He doesn’t know how to explain this to her, and he simply shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry. I should have stopped myself before…” his voice trails. Ethan doesn’t know when or how he could have stopped whatever this is. “We should call it a night. You can take the bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“Ethan!” she tries to call out to him, but he is determined to remove himself from the situation as quickly as possible, clearly not wanting to talk about this any further, and she lets him get away with it.
It’s… uncomfortable. In his haste of escaping their situation, he hadn’t managed to grab a change of clothes, and sleeping on the couch that is too short for him in the remnants of his tuxedo, coupled with everything that had just happened earlier that night means that he’s probably not getting any sleep tonight. He hears the occasional sigh coming from her end, and he knows that she isn’t getting any sleep either. He knows he has done the right thing, the ethical thing, so why does he feel so terrible about the decision he made?
Ethan still cannot believe that he let things get this far. He knows he’s been attracted to her for a while now, but tonight caught him completely off-guard. Perhaps being this far away from Edenbrook caused him to let his usual control slip, or perhaps it was the way the moonlight illuminated her, or perhaps—
“Stop. Moving. Around. So. Much.” Alex barks her annoyance at him.
“I’m sorry,” he replies, but she doesn’t say anything else for a while. If he were in her shoes, he probably won’t forgive him either.
“Do you regret the kiss?” she asks out of nowhere. Ethan can hear the exhaustion in her voice, and he knows that’s his fault too. If he hadn’t let his control slip when they were out on the balcony, they would both be sleeping comfortably on their own sides in that California-King bed, like they had last night. He doesn’t know how to answer her; he’d be crossing a line if he told her the truth, and he’d be hurting her if he lies. “I just wanna know if you regret the situation in which it happened, or if you actually think that I—”
“I don’t regret kissing you, no,” he interjects, as he remembers vividly the hurt he saw in her eyes when he had put a stop to things, and he doesn’t want to hurt her more than he already has. “But you’re an intern and I’m an attending, and it is extremely unethical if I ignored the chasm of power imbalance between us, and—”
“Ethan,” her voice stills him. “I told you. I get it. I was just asking so I can figure out what the hell this is.”
He is surprised at her words, because he’d always assumed that she’s more adept at relationships than he is and she’d have figured them out by now. The fact that she doesn’t know what they are is both scary and comforting at the same time. “If you don’t know what this is, then I don’t have a chance.”
“Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself. I didn’t expect this to happen either,” she offers him words of comfort. Ethan doesn’t understand how she does it, how she could tolerate his inability to make heads or tails of his own feelings, of his actions, and then proceeds to have this awkward conversation with him. “We’ll figure this out.”
Her assurance does nothing for him, not when he knows they won’t resolve this tonight, and neither of them will get any sleep. “Not tonight, we won’t,” he sighs, running his hand over his face. “And when we get back to Edenbrook, Naveen is going to have a field day about this. Because, trust me, he’s gonna notice that we’re not our usual selves.” Ethan shudders at the thought of their next meeting with Naveen. “I really don’t need him questioning me about my personal life and taking my attention away from his care, not when his life is at stake here.”
“You’re Ethan Ramsey, I’m sure you can deflect his questions,” Alex tells him, and he hears her let out a tired sigh when he tosses around once more. “This is gonna take as long as it takes, Ethan. I’m gonna need time to figure out what I want, and you need to do the same.”
“And then what? We’ll talk about it and make everything more awkward?” he scoffs, the words escape him before he can stop himself. He’s never talked about a relationship this openly before; he’s only ever been in one relationship long enough for them to have the talk, and that didn’t go over well for him.
When she doesn’t say anything in return, he finds himself turning on his side once again, trying to get himself into a comfortable position on the couch. It is then that he hears her footsteps approaching, and he sits up immediately. Ethan is acutely aware that he doesn’t have the strength to walk away from her again if she tries to push his boundaries. “Alex…” he pleads, but she doesn’t retreat to her side of the hotel suite, but instead takes a seat on the other side of the couch, maintaining a respectable distance from him.
“Ethan, you’re way too tall for the couch, and there’s no way you’re going to get comfortable enough to sleep,” Alex states. “So, here’s the deal. You can take your side of the bed and try to get some sleep,” she offers, but she doesn’t give him a chance to interject, adding, “or you can let me take the couch. Don’t worry, I promise I won’t try anything if you choose to share the bed.”
“It’s not you I’m worried about,” he admits aloud, placing his face into his hands. “This… I’ve never been in such a complicated situation before. And I’ve definitely never had to talk about something this awkward.”
She studies him for a moment. “Ethan, I know this is not normal for you, but any relationship, and I mean, all interpersonal relationships, are better with open and honest communication. Even when the topics aren’t comfortable. Having the uncomfortable discussion in a healthy way is how people grow together. As siblings, as friends, and so on.”
“I—”
“But, we’re not gonna sit here and discuss something neither of us have a grasp on at two thirty in the morning when I still have to sit through half a day’s worth of lectures tomorrow,” she interjects. “I’m not built the same way you are, I need to get at least a couple hours of sleep if I’m gonna absorb anything from those lectures. And I can't sleep when you keep tossing and turning around on the couch. So, go, take the bed.” Ethan opens his mouth to protest, but she adds, “And if you try to argue with me about how you’re 'a man and should therefore take the couch', I will freaking lose it.”
“Fine,” he nods in response. “And… thank you.”