Chapter Text
“Speaking as the junior class vice president, I think this production will be incredibly creative and such a fun way to branch out our -”
“The answer is still no.” Principal Featherhead didn’t even look up from his desk as he brushed away Mary’s words. “I already told you, this movie is not appropriate for a school function.”
“Mr. Featherhead, please.” Sierra flashed him a smile from her seat next to Mary. “Speaking as the junior class president , I can tell you that Mary and I have already stirred up quite a bit of excitement for this. All we would need is the auditorium for a few hours on the Saturday night before Halloween.”
He still didn’t look up. “Absolutely not, Miss Samuels.”
“We’re flexible, right Mary?” Sierra nodded to her. “We can do Friday night, no big -”
Featherhead finally dropped his pen and looked up at the girls, rubbing his temple. “I’m not asking you young ladies to be flexible. I am telling you no. Out of the question. It is not going to happen.”
“Okay.” Sierra nodded solemnly. “The Saturday night after Halloween will just have to do. If we’re anything, we’re accommodating -”
“Girls! This isn’t happening!”
“But we’re certain this is going to earn a ton of money for our class!” Mary pleaded. “Plus, having a fun school event like this on Halloween weekend will certain reduce the risk of our peers getting into such trouble as,” Mary started ticking off fingers as she talked, “underage drinking, drunk driving, marijuana consumption -”
“Not to mention we believe this will get down the egging and toilet papering of houses by at least 50%,” Sierra added to Mary’s enthusiastic nods.
Featherhead closed the ledger he had been writing in and forced a smile. “You two are the top of your class. Excellent students. Please tell me why this is so important to you.”
Mary and Sierra exchanged a quick glance before stammering over each other. He made out snippets of the same words he’d heard from them all week. Creativity and fundraising and good wholesome fun. He raised his hands to stop them.
“If you want to fundraise for your class, try a bake sale.”
Sierra huffed. “What do we look like? Freshman?”
He stood up and gestured for the girls to do the same, both of them starting their mile-a-minute talk on him again.
“That’s the end of it, girls,” he said with a sense of finality as he herded to the door. “I just can’t allow you to show this movie on school grounds.”
“What if we didn’t show the movie?” Mary asked with the pleading grace of someone trying to be pardoned from death row. “What if - what if we just put on a production of the play? It was a stage play originally.”
“Yeah,” Sierra snapped her fingers with glee, “and that way you could edit out the stuff you didn’t like, we could clean up any foul language and sexual content. Make it a nice family oriented production.”
Principal Featherhead took one last deep breath and opened the door. “I am only going to say this one more time. There will absolutely be no production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show at this school.”
Sierra and Mary stood outside the door for a few moments after the principal slammed it in their faces. Sierra bit her lip and tugged Mary down the hall.
“We are fucked,” Sierra whined. “We’re going to be in so much trouble.”
Mary had an unsettling feeling in her stomach that came around on those rare occasions she found herself between a rock and a hard place. And just like always the same person was the culprit.
“I’m going to kill Fred Andrews,” Mary hissed. “I’ll wring that skinny little neck of his, I swear.”
“This isn’t all Fred’s fault.” Sierra leaned against a locker. “I’m to blame too.” Mary nodded in agreement as Sierra glared at her. “That’s the part where you’re supposed to go, ‘Oh gee Sierra, this isn’t your fault at all!’”
Mary shuffled her feet, holding back an ‘I told you so.’ “I did mention making Fred the treasurer of our class was a bad idea. Several times.”
Sierra let her head hit the locker. “What are we going to do? The junior class is broke and it’s only October! How are we ever going to find the money for junior prom now?”
“Forget prom. At this rate we won’t even have enough money to set up our booth for the holiday bazaar. Or our contribution to the winter ball! We are screwed.”
Sierra let out her longest sigh yet. “I guess we’ll just have to do a stupid bake sale. Maybe if we do something Halloween related we can actually sell stuff.”
Mary pulled a face. “Do you know how to bake?” Sierra shook her head. “Yeah me neither.”
“Hey, you know how the senior class always sells candygrams for Christmas and Valentines? What if we do birthday ones? We can offer it all year long. Hell, if they pay a little extra we can make Fred deliver them and have him sing.”
Mary winced. “We want to raise money, Sierra, not punish the entire school. That’s not a bad idea, but how many birthdays can there possibly be a day in this school? And no guarantee anyone would buy them.”
“What about selling chocolate bars?” Sierra stuck out her tongue at her own idea. “Forget it. The profit on those are terrible. We’d have to sell thousands of them.” She let out a whimper. “We’re going to have to resign in shame.”
Sierra started banging her head lightly against the locker and Mary paced around nervously in front of her. The school day had ended twenty minutes ago and the hallway was blissfully silent. Mary stopped her pacing and grabbed Sierra by the shoulder.
“Principal Featherhead said we can’t perform Rocky Horror in school right?”
“Duh, Mare.” She rolled her eyes. “You were in the same room as me.”
“So who says it has to be in the school? We’ll host it somewhere else and then just dump all proceeds back into our class fund. Then no one ever has to know that Fred nearly left us bankrupted by mishandling our funds.”
“Spending them is more like it but,” Sierra considered, “that’s kind of a great idea. Lets do it.”
“Yes!” Fred exclaimed the next morning in the student center as he pumped an arm through the air. “Sierra, Mary, you guys are geniuses! I could kiss both of you!”
“Don’t,” Mary said quickly. “Please don’t. Just - you’re helping us with this. Big time.”
“You owe us, Fred,” Sierra pressed. “No goofing off.”
“Of course not!” Fred slapped his hands together. “It’s going to be amazing.”
“Of course this is a covert production,” Sierra said in a hushed voice. “So we need to keep it quiet. Inner circle only and advertising needs to be word of mouth.”
“Yeah duh.” Fred spotted someone coming into the room and cupped his hands over mouth. “We’re doing it, guys! We’re doing Rocky Horror!”
Mary kicked Fred in the shin before she even realized what she was doing. He grabbed his leg in pain but kept hopping around on the other foot, waving people over.
“How the hell did you ever get Featherhead to agree to that?” Alice asked as she walked over with Hal at her side. Hermione trailed behind them, assumingly having bullied Hal into giving her a ride this morning. “That man hates fun.”
“It’s not officially a school function.” Mary pressed a finger to her lip. “We have to do it off school premises.”
“Oh I love it when you break rules, Mary!” Hermione said as she elbowed her way between Hal and Alice. “It’s a good look on you.”
“We’re going rogue,” Sierra said gleefully, absorbing some of Fred’s excitement in spite of herself. “This is going to be awesome.”
“And make our class a ton of money,” Fred added with a guilty grin. Everyone ignored him. “I’m the treasurer. That’s kind of my job.” Mary held in a groan.
“Oh, who’s doing the casting?” Hermione clapped her hands together. “Can we do auditions? Or can we just pick who -”
“Let me guess.” Alice rolled her eyes. “You want to be Janet.”
Hermione screwed up her face. “As if! You’re as Janet as they come.”
Alice’s face softened. “Really?”
“Yeah, you’re a total slut. I could never pull that off.”
Hal grabbed Alice before she could get near Hermione. “Come on, Hermione. That’s not nice.”
“I want to be Magenta. She literally has the best hair and make up and I can’t let anyone upstage me.” Hermione sipped her coffee thoughtfully. “Plus, Hal, you’re the only reasonable person to play Brad and there is no way I’m galivanting on stage with you for a second.”
Hal blushed. “Thanks?”
Hermione rolled her eyes. “Let me be in charge of casting. Please please please?” She smiled brightly at Mary and Sierra.
“Sure, whatever.” Sierra gave Mary a look. “We’ll have a million other things to do anyway, it’s one less thing off our hands.”
“Who do you have in mind for Rocky?” Fred asked through a cheesy grin. Hermione furrowed her brow.
“Hiram of course,” she said. “He’s short, but he’s got a good build.”
“Hiram?” Fred choked. “You think Hiram can prance around on stage in gold underwear? I was made for that role!”
“You?” Hermione looked to Mary and Sierra and even Alice before all four of them burst into laughter. “No offence, Fred, but Hiram is just more muscular and being pretty is all the role really calls for.”
“I am pretty.” Fred pouts. “Do you think Hiram even wants to do this? It’s so not his thing.”
“Showing off is literally Hiram’s thing,” Alice said under her breath.
“Fred can just be Brad,” Hal cuts in. “He still gets to wander around in his underwear and everything. Fred will do a better job than me at that.”
“Absolutely not!” Alice hissed as Fred yelled, “Brad is an asshole!”
Fred stomped his feet against the floor a bunch of times. “Please please please please please?”
“Have fun,” Sierra whispered to Hermione as she and Mary slipped out of the student center.
“Fred is the slutty one,” they heard Alice say as they walked away. “Maybe he should be Janet instead.”
“The Rocky what show?” Hiram dug into a pudding cup. “Hal, you know I don’t like boxing.” He shoveled a spoonful of pudding into his mouth. “It’s barbaric.”
“No, Hiram,” Hal sighed. “Look, it’s a movie -”
“I thought we were putting on a play.” He furrowed his brow. “Hermione definitely said -”
“It’s like a performance.” Hal rubbed his temple. He was grateful Alice was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because it was stifling her giggles. “You play the movie and people act it out in front of the screen.”
“Why?”
“It's just like - I don’t know, Hiram. It’s just something people do. It’s fun.”
“Gee, Hiram.” Alice took a sip of her soda. “I would have thought a hip, young guy like you that lived in Manhattan ,” she pronounced the word like it was in another language, “would know all about something like The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” She shrugged. “Guess I was wrong.”
“I mean -” Hiram’s face was taking on a pink tinge, “of course I’ve heard of it. I just don’t have it committed to memory or anything. Just - I’m a novice. Pretend I know nothing.”
She and Hal exchanged a look. “Okay well everyone pretty much gets into their undies and acts out the movie in front of a screen. Simple enough.”
“Yeah totally.” Hiram nodded. “But why?”
“What do you mean why?” Alice sucked hard through the straw of her soda. “It’s just what you do.”
He rolled his eyes. “Well what’s it even about?”
“Sex,” Hal blurted out quickly and blushed when the other two looked at him. “I mean, it’s like this young couple is going to visit their old teacher -”
“Horrifying. I get the title now.”
“And their car breaks down and they wind up at this mansion where there’s a party with all these weird people -”
“Crashing a party is so rude,” Hiram said with a nod.
“And like there’s some dancing and a mad scientist and a Frankenstein’s monster type thing. That’s Rocky Horror.” Hal looked at Alice for help. She sighed deeply and folded her hands in front of herself.
“Haven’t you ever heard of The Time Warp, Hiram? Like at a wedding or a sweet sixteen? It’s every DJ’s go-to song.”
Hiram, always unable to admit when he was uninformed on something, nodded vigorously. “Yeah, sure. Of course I know Time Warp.”
“Yeah well,” she waved her hands, “that dance is from the movie. As a matter of fact.” She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “Hal, would you say it’s the best song of the show?”
“Well, it’s the most well known, I guess.” He narrowed his eyes at Alice but she was staring at Hiram, all smiles.
“Who did you say Hermione wanted you to play?” she asked him.
“Rocky?” Hiram said although he didn’t seem entirely sure. “I mean I guess as long as he isn’t a boxer or anything.”
Alice shook her head. “Oh, no no no. Rocky is the most boring character in the whole show. He doesn’t talk and his only song is terrible to boot.”
Hal frowned. “I like that song.”
“How does he sing if he doesn’t talk?” Hiram asked, his eyebrows raised. “And how can he be the lead if he doesn’t do anything?”
“That’s a misnomer.” Alice waved him away. “Rocky is honestly a snoozefest. Just grunts a bunch. I think your acting skills can do better than that.”
“Alice,” Hal said in a low tone but she brushed her boyfriend off and leaned across the table.
“You obviously want to be Riff Raff, Hiram. He sings The Time Warp which like, as we determined, is the best song. You get to lead a whole dance number and everything.”
It was Hiram’s turn to rub his chin. “I am an excellent dancer. What do you think, Hal?”
Hal shoved the rest of his cookie in his mouth to buy him a few more seconds before he’d have to answer. He chewed slowly and washed it down with his carton of milk. “I think you’re a great dancer, Hiram.”
Alice whacked Hal on the arm as Hiram exclaimed, “Not that, Hal! Who do you think I should play?”
“I think,” Hal swallowed hard, unsure if the sinking feeling in his stomach was due to being put on the spot or eating his lunch too quickly, “you should just watch the movie and decide for yourself.”
“What movie?” Gladys slammed down her tray on the lunch table and took a seat.
“We can't do Rocky Horror at the school so Mary and Sierra are doing an off the books one,” Alice said quickly before Hal could get a word in. “Hermione wants Hiram to play Rocky but I was just telling him how Riff Raff is such a better character.”
Gladys paused with a spork halfway to her mouth. “Hold on.” She waved it between Alice and Hal. “Please tell me you two will be Brad and Janet. That’s a total riot.”
“We will be.” Alice forced a smile but a blush was running up her cheeks.
“A hero and a heroine.” She tilted her head with a smile. “With all the false bravado of two -”
“A hero?” Hiram’s ears perked up and he turned his entire body towards Gladys. “I want to play the hero.”
Gladys howled with laughter. “No way, short stack. I’m dying to see Hal run around in his tighty-whities.” She poked her spork into Hal’s side, making him jump. “Plus you’re not square enough to be Brad.”
Hiram smiled brightly at her. “I appreciate that.”
“I don’t,” Hal grumbled into his empty milk carton. Alice patted his arm in sympathy, but kept her attention on Gladys.
“But don’t you think Hiram would make a great Riff Raff? Especially if Hermione is playing Magenta.”
Her face broke out in realization. “Oh yeah, totally. That’s so perfect.”
“He’s Hermione’s love interest?” Hiram asked. Both girls nodded. “Well that settles it. Why didn’t you just mention that before, Hal?” Hiram stood up and started collecting his stuff. “What kind of friend are you? I’m heading to East Coast Video after school to pick up a copy. I’ll watch it tonight. I’ll call you.”
Gladys and Alice both gave Hiram waves and cheeky grins as they walked away. Hal groaned.
“Why’d you do that?” He could already predict the angry call he’d get from Hiram that night. “Don’t you remember the whole West Side Story debacle? He’s going to lose it when he realizes you tricked him into playing Hermione’s brother.”
“I didn’t do it to punish Hiram.” Alice said innocently. “Okay, maybe a little. But mostly I did it so Fred could play Rocky.”
“Wait, what?” Gladys snorted. “Fred wants to play Rocky? But he’s so - he’s so scrawny.”
“He’s got great arms,” Hal chimed in as he fished through his bag of cookies for another. “What?” He looked up. “He plays baseball. You can’t pitch unless you -”
Alice shushed him. “Skinny little thing or not, this is what Fred wants. His dream is to run around in a gold speedo and if a little part of me can help that happen, I am all for it.”
“A guess if a small girl plays Frank-n-Furter Fred might actually be able to pick her up.” She slapped the table. “You know what would be a gas? Lets get Penelope Blossom to do it.”
“Penelope is playing Columbia already.” Hal flourished a cookie with triumph and Gladys snatched it from his hand with a pout.
“I was kidding. Who the hell am I supposed to play then?” Alice and Hal exchanged a look. “What? What was that?”
“You, well.” Hal cleared his throat. “You’re not really one for extracurricular activities, Gladys. None of us thought you’d be interested.”
Her mouth dropped. “Alice? Are you kidding me?” She kicked her under the table. “I literally showed you the movie. And I love theater.”
“You call all the plays we do here dumb!” Alice defended, crossing her arms over her chest. “You never want to try out for any of them with me.”
“Yeah because you guys always pick terrible plays! Sorry I didn’t want to play someone’s mom in Bye Bye Birdie.” She scowled. “Who’s making the cast list? Mary?”
“Hermione.”
Gladys groaned louder. “Well I’m going to find her right now and I’m going to demand I play Dr. Frank-n-Furter.” Alice and Hal winced. “What!”
“You know the whole reason Fred wanted to do this, right?” Alice said in a low tone so no one at the next table couldn’t hear. “Remember him and FP joking about dressing up as Rocky and Dr. Frank.”
Gladys smiled wryly. “There is no way FP Jones is going in front of a hundred people in fishnets and a corset. He’d never agree to that.” Her face dropped. “Oh my God, did he agree to that?”
“Well,” Hal was sweating as if they were discussing war games, “no one’s told him yet.”
“And I think we should keep it that way as long as possible,” Alice said in a matter of fact tone. “We don’t want him getting cold feet and running.”
Gladys sighed into her mystery meat. “The things we do for Fred.”