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The Inquisitor’s return to Skyhold was a mixed blessing for Cullen. He slept better and worried less knowing that she was nearby and safe, but he struggled with his desire to be with her and the onus of his duties as commander. In truth, Evelyn did nothing to help him concentrate on his work. During war council meetings, she would make eye contact with him and give shy smiles that made him completely forget what he was about to say. The leathers she wore around the keep fit her like a second skin, and he often found himself studying her curves rather than the map laid on the giant wooden table before them. Evelyn didn’t seem to notice how he watched her, but Leliana and Josephine were very aware of it. When Evelyn wasn’t around, Leliana teased him mercilessly, and Josephine made suggestions for elaborate romantic gestures.
After council meetings, Evelyn would give him a quick kiss and then race off to train with Commander Helaine, the Knight Enchanter. Although he had piles of paperwork on his desk and in his chair, Cullen found that he couldn’t work on them very long before being drawn out of his office to spy on her sparring sessions. The Inquisitor was becoming frighteningly adept wielding a spirit sword - a magical great sword she conjured through will alone. Her strokes were precise, and her footwork was improving markedly. It bothered him that she fought without a shield. She had explained that she conjured a barrier that worked synergistically with the sword, but he would prefer that she have a real aegis rather than one pulled from the Fade. In fact, he wished she wouldn’t fight at all, but that was an impossibility given the nature of the rifts and her singular ability to seal them.
His mind wandered less to thoughts of Evelyn during the late morning and early afternoon. That was the time he spent training his troops and sparring with his officers. Swordplay and strategy came much more naturally to him than paperwork and policymaking. He felt focused when he was overseeing his soldiers or facing off against one of his lieutenants. When his mind and body were so engaged, he didn’t feel the burning want for lyrium that plagued his quieter moments. While Evelyn joked about Cassandra’s need to spend hours whacking at practice dummies, Cullen understood the need to stop thinking and just hit something.
While he was training, Evelyn would flit around Skyhold talking with her traveling companions and anyone who stopped her. Evelyn’s approachability and compassion meant that people felt comfortable coming to her for help. It impressed Cullen that she made time for everyone and tried her best to solve their problems. It also made him jealous. He envied the hours she spent with her friends, and he questioned whether her time was best spent hearing about some scullery maid’s broken heart. If he was being honest, he didn’t want to share her with anyone - much less the whole of Thedas.
Near suppertime, Evelyn would come to his office with a tray of food and a stack of her own paperwork. They would eat and work in near silence - with him standing behind his desk and her sitting crosslegged on the sofa. She was an astoundingly fast reader and was able to quickly plow through letters and reports. Evelyn also retained information she had read with great accuracy. Cullen had questioned her about the talent once and she had answered dully, “Spend the better part of your life locked away in a tower with little more than a library to entertain you, and you can become a speed reader, too.”
When she finished her own correspondence, Evelyn would pick up some of Cullen’s. While she couldn’t read and respond to them for him, she sifted through them making piles in order of their urgency. It helped him tremendously as he often grew overwhelmed by the volume of information. When the papers were sorted, she would busy herself picking up his office. Evelyn was a neat freak, and although Cullen’s military training made him aspire to orderliness the fatigue caused by lyrium withdrawal meant that he rarely cleaned.
That evening she looked around his office and exclaimed, “If it is the last thing I do, I will see that desk cleared off some day. Can you imagine what that would be like?”
Cullen had imagined on more than one occasion what he would do with Evelyn if his desk were clear. The room felt a bit too warm, and he was sure his face and ears were turning red from his lurid fantasy. Not wanting Evelyn to know what a lecher he was he cleared his throat and said as cooly as he could, “Mmm... yes, I suppose that would be nice.” Maker, I’m going to need a cold shower if I think about this much longer.
And that was the heart of the issue. He had time alone with Evelyn, but after her first night back he hadn’t truly been alone with her. Even when she came to his office, there was a steady stream of soldiers and couriers that interrupted them. Making matters worse, Josephine had cautioned that their relationship needed to be kept secret for the time being. Many of their Orleasian alliances were tenuous. The ambassador was rightfully concerned how the nobles would interpret the pairing considering the most well known example of a relationship between a woman warlord and her general ended in betrayal. Evelyn and Cullen flinched at the comparison to Andraste and Mafaerath but reluctantly agreed to exercise restraint in displaying affection.
In addition to speed reading, Evelyn had picked up another useful talent from her time in the Circle - being keenly aware of when she was or wasn’t being watched. Mages were discouraged from intimacy in the Circles, but that did little to stop them. If anything, the Chantry’s prohibitions seemed to encourage risk taking behaviors and quick trysts in shadows. Cullen was caught off guard the first time Evelyn pulled him into a dark corner of the keep and kissed him with incredible ferocity. She stopped as quickly as she began and walked away as if nothing happened leaving him breathless and confused. When a couple of servants passed by moments later, he understood why she had pulled away. How many times in his years as a templar had he heard what he thought was lovemaking, only to find when he rounded the corner mages pouring over books or practicing spells - their flushed faces or disheveled robes the lone clues that he hadn’t imagined the sounds.
The furtive moments of intimacy he shared with Evelyn did nothing to sate his desire for her. If anything, they were increasing his hunger. He imagined that she was more accustomed to sneaking around and therefore less troubled by how incomplete those stolen moments felt. He continued to operate under that assumption until he received an unexpected visitor.
Sera, the elven archer, sauntered into his office and sat on the edge of his desk one afternoon. “I’m here to discuss Her Gracious Ladybits.” she announced.
“Who?” Cullen asked with genuine confusion.
“Her Gracious Ladybits... the Inquisitor... you know the girl that you aren’t shagging even though you should be ... Maker knows I would be if I were in your position.” Sera snorted before continuing, “Position because of well you know... things.”
Cullen put his head in his hands. “I am not discussing personal matters with you, Sera.”
“Well, that’s all right- innit it? But you know you should maybe discuss them with her. Wound up tighter than a drum that one. No fun to be around just all goofy eyed thinking about her Cully Wully.“
Cullen said nothing but began rubbing his forehead trying to ignore Sera’s insinuations.
“So maybe the problem is that you haven’t or you don’t know how or you do and aren’t very good at it... right? Well, I can give you pointers on that...” Sera motioned to a peach she held in her hand.
“Maker’s breath, Sera, I’m not... I mean I have... Gah, I’m not inexperienced or inept - okay? “ Cullen was beet red from anger and embarrassment. He took a deep breath and grabbed the back of his neck. “It just isn’t the right time. We never have a chance to be alone - away from responsibilities and prying eyes.”
“What’s going on here?” Evelyn asked as she came in the office.
Sera hopped off the desk and took a bite of her peach. “Not nearly enough for either of you it seems. Should really get on that, you know. And I do mean on that.” she said while gesturing at Cullen’s crotch before heading out the door.
Cullen put his head down on the desk in resignation. It was evidently impossible to die of embarrassment because he should be a pulseless corpse by this point.
Evelyn started laughing at Sera’s bawdy suggestion and shouted after her, “Why thank you for the suggestion, Sera. I’ll just jot that down on my ‘Things to Do’ list.”
Putting a hand on Cullen’s shoulder, Evelyn coaxed him to look at her, “Are you okay? Don’t worry about Sera. She means well. I had mentioned to her how much it bothered me that I was in another secret relationship. I thought I would be finished with that part of my life after I left the Circle. I think she interpreted my complaints to be about a lack of um... physical intimacy, but it is more than that. I’m just tired of not being able to care for someone openly. I’m sorry she bothered you.”
Cullen stood up and wrapped his arms around her waist, “I’m not sorry. I hate hiding as well. Once we’ve settled matters at Halamshiral, I’m telling Josephine that the Inquisition will just have to accept whatever repercussions our relationship causes.”