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It was a one time kinda thing, you know? A mere accident. We weren’t even supposed to be in that room.
After Cas… died. After Jack left. After everything went down with Chuck, there were just the two of us again, Sammy and I, in that big place. I don’t remember exactly how this happened, but we opened a door and there it was, a big old wardrobe that had nothing to do there, a little Narnia style I would admit, maybe too Narnia. Sam was excited, to put it some way, a new thing to nerd about. I just wanted to sleep, for eternity.
Apparently he had read about this thing (of course he had), but thought it was lost or something. According to what he had read, this thing was a portal to different dimensions, but it was going to take us just where we needed to be not where we wanted to be (dramatic, I know). I wanted to be nowhere and Sam was just interested in the “research potential” (whatever that means) of the thing, so we kinda left it there ‘till inventory time came along.
The problem began when I decided to go back. You may be thinking, how was this an accident if he decided to go back? Well, it’s simple, I was so sad and had had one too many drinks to be thinking straight, that’s a dangerous combination, even for people who are not grieving, which I was. So, all of that, plus the thousands of “what if’s…?” that rounded my head took me there, to the wardrobe room.
It was dark and dusty, and that only encouraged me to go forward. Maybe if there were light, we wouldn’t be talking; but darkness makes us sincere, it makes us see the truth of what we desire, because that desire is the only thing shining in an ocean of nothing. We want to be awake at night so we can learn it’s secrets. I wanted that, to be awake and to reach my heart's desires, I wanted to know that someone was keeping me safe in my sleep again.
When I extended my hand to reach the knob, it felt weird, like coming home, but slightly to the left. Before I knew I was doing it, I had already entered the wardrobe. It was empty. I don’t know what I expected, it had been abandoned for years. I tried to walk into it (yes, like in Narnia) but I just knocked the back part of it. Maybe it was broken.
Turned around, opened the door and came out just in the same room where I had entered. Just as dark and dusty. Decided it was enough for the night and headed to my room, a little more sober and a little less hopeful.
The moment I entered my room, I noticed it. That was not my room. I mean, it was but it wasn’t. It had a different vibe. Some things were the same; the guns, Miracle’s pots, some of the work applications that I’d been completing, but others were different. There were photos, some of the ones I kept in the drawer were now framed; and there were others that I’d never taken, like one where Cas, Sam and I are at the beach, another of me teaching Jack how to drive, one of me with Miracle in the park and one that catched my attention, it was of Cas and I watching a sunset, arms around each other without a care in the world. It was so beautiful that it couldn’t be real. The wardrobe must be cursed or something because…
⏤ Hello, Dean! ⏤ Said Cas as he entered the room ⏤ I thought you were in the library with Sam...
⏤ What...? ⏤ I interrupt him mid-sentence. I think I’m going to have a stroke ⏤ Oh, yeah I was,I just needed to get something and now I have it so bye. ⏤ I bolt the room as fast as I’m able to.
I ran to the room with the wardrobe as fast as I could and got into the thing immediately. I must be hammered if I’m seeing Cas, or the wardrobe is completely haunted and it hates me. He was alive, and we were happy and sharing a room, apparently. There was a little part of my brain that said “What if that was real? What if the wardrobe took me exactly where I needed to be? To Cas.” Even if that was true, I can’t go back, there’s probably another Dean around there, the one that went to the beach, the one that took Miracle to the park, the one that saw a sunset while hugging Cas, the one that has Cas.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I had to come out of the wardrobe, eventually. Everything was the same, so I wondered where I was. Was I in my bunker or in the other bunker? I had the feeling I was in my bunker, I don’t know how, I just knew it. Walked to my room and it was just as I left it. After seeing the other one this felt wrong, liveless, like all the things it could be but wasn’t. Cas’s voice kept coming back, words so simple like “Hello, Dean” meant so much now, I would love to hear that again, even if it was not meant for me. The ones that were meant to me, that “I love you”, to those I was unable to answer, and look what happened.
I thought about coming back, like, a lot, just to see him, to maybe hear him again; but a common sense called Sam told me not to, that it would just hurt me more. So, when my common sense went away to spend some time with Eileen, I did it again. I went to the room, opened the thing and climbed in. And felt it again, the “everything is the same but slightly to the left” feeling. At that moment, I knew it had worked.
Cas was already in the room when I entered this time, sitting in the bed with a walkman on. When he noticed me, he stopped the track and looked up.
⏤ Hello Dean ⏤ and there it was, those two words that meant the world.
⏤ Hi Cas, what are you doing? ⏤ what a stupid question he was obiously listening to music.
⏤ I was just listening to the zepp track ⏤ he looked at me like I was insane, maybe I was, for being there again, for talking more than it was safe, but he was there, listening to the track, with his tilted head and his stupid trenchcoat. ⏤ What are you doing here? ⏤ he asked, getting up from the bed and walking towards me.
⏤ What do you mean? ⏤ oh boy, he knew it, I was not his Dean and he knew it.
⏤ I mean, you left the bunker 10 minutes ago for a hunt and said you were not coming back for at least some hours, so tell me, who are you and what are you doing here? ⏤ now he was inches away from me and had his angel blade in hand, and I could not find it in me to be frightened. ⏤ Also ⏤ he kept talking ⏤ I can see you’re not Dean, you don’t even have the handprint. If you’re going to copy him, at least try to do it right.
⏤ Wait, what? I do have it. On my shoulder, as always. ⏤ at that his expression changed, maybe he had sensed the truth in my voice ⏤ Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about but.. What are you doing? ⏤ He was getting closer, his hand extended and before I could realise it, he was touching my shoulder, where the handprint is, and his eyes were glowing.
When he took his hand out, his eyes went blue again but they were wide open. He left the angel blade on the bed and then hugged me. I did not expect that, I thought that was my end and now the one person I loved the most was hugging me. The moment I reacted, I hugged him back and cried, because it was too much. Without letting me go, he said:
⏤ I saw it. I saw everything. I’m so sorry for your loss. ⏤ he was talking about my Cas’s death, and I cried a little more.
⏤ He… he died protecting me, protecting everyone from Billie. He told me he loved me and I couldn't say it back. I can’t… ⏤ I just kept crying, sobbing in his arms and holding him tight, maybe if I holded tight enough this time he wouldn’t go away.
Some time passed before he spoke again.
⏤ I know. I should have realised you were not my Dean the first time you were here. You ran away before I could process it. You see… ⏤ he said and let go from the hug to take my left hand ⏤ ...my Dean has his handprint here, in his hand. We.. I holded his hand out of hell ⏤ after saying that, he smiled with fondness ⏤ When people who’s not in the life ask about it, he says he “burnt his hand out of faith” ⏤ at that he laughed a little.
And when he laughed like that, I envied the other me, I wish I could have this. Maybe not the dorky story about the handprint, but if that was what it took to be with Cas, I would embrace that story with my soul.
⏤ So, why are you here? ⏤ he looked at me weirdly ⏤ I mean, why aren’t you in the hunt?.
⏤ Oh, that. I’m human now, so Dean says I can’t go hunting ‘til I’m “properly trained”. ⏤ he made air quotes at that last part, I mean, how much can you train a literal former angel. ⏤ I don’t really mind. I never liked fighting, I just did it because I had to. Now I can just sit here, listen to music, maybe watch a movie or eat, I love eating, while I wait for them to come back.
⏤ That sounds like a life… ⏤ there was when the realization hit me. ⏤ Wait, you’re human? How?
⏤ Well, I never fully recovered my grace and with time it started fading, so I just let go. Now I'm just a human, a really really old one. ⏤ he chuckled.
⏤ My Cas was struggling with that too, you know? Before he died. But I think he never let himself go, he couldn’t do that. ⏤ maybe because he thought we wouldn’t want him around in that case, I thought for myself. ⏤ Something I don’t get is, if you’re human, how did you do the handprint thing?
⏤ We’re soul bonded in every dimension where I saved you from hell.
Well, that explained little to nothing, but my head hurt enough to keep asking questions.
⏤ So? ⏤ he asked.
⏤ What?
⏤ What are you doing here? You’re really far away from home.
⏤ I… It was an accident. ⏤ he sat in the bed again, but I couldn’t move from my spot ⏤ The first time, I mean. Sam and I found this wardrobe and he said something about how it takes people where they needed to be, and I was drunk and sad and thought, maybe… so I entered and ended up here. That was the first time you saw me. This time, well, this time I wanted to see you; wasn’t expecting you here.
⏤ You wanted to see me but you wasn’t expecting me to be here? That’s very confusing Dean.
⏤ I just, I miss him so much. And you’re him. Maybe not him him, but enough him for me to be less sad. I can’t stop thinking about all the awful things I told him, he wanted the best for everyone and I was so angry that I couldn’t see it. I wanted to be sure Sam and Jack and Cas and our friends would be alright, but my anger did not let me see the bigger picture, that the world was at stake. Cas saw that, understood that and did what needed to be done.
⏤ And that broke you.
⏤ That destroyed me. I kept thinking, “he will be back, he’s always back” but at the same time, I knew I had to keep living to honour his sacrifice.
⏤ Did you? I mean, did you keep living?
⏤ Kinda. We defeated Chuck, Jack is now God in our dimension, Sam is dating Eileen, I have Miracle… but I can’t let go of him, his last words follow me wherever I go.
⏤ It seems like things are looking good for the future, in the most part. So, what do you need for me, closure? ⏤ he sounded mean, but I knew he wasn’t, he just did not know how to ask.
⏤ I really don’t know. All I know is that I don’t love you, I love my Cas, and he’s gone, but you’re here and I could use a friend.
⏤ I… look, I would like to help, but if Dean ever sees you here, that would be your end, you know that, right?
⏤ Yeah, I wouldn’t appreciate someone going around using my face, least of all in my own house. ⏤ I managed a smile.
At that, Cas hummed. He better than anyone knew how anger could blind me. We didn't say much after that, we just talked for a while and I went back to my own bunker, luckily, Sam was still out. It was decided, I was going to be back there, for chats, for a friend. I had to be careful, but that was not my biggest concern.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I went back a couple of times, he told me how things with Chuck calmed down in his dimension, so a lot of problems were avoided; Jack was still in the bunker, heaven was the same as always , the angels were gaining numbers again, really, they had the perfect outcome. In all that time, I managed to never encounter the other Dean.
Until one day, it happened. He was supposed to be away, in the grocery or something like that, but came back early and saw me in the corridor while I was heading to leave. Cas had fallen asleep, so I’m pretty sure he didn’t notice what happened or how it happened. As predicted, he (the other Dean) did not appreciate someone with his face parading around the bunker. He ran at me with the first thing he catched from the table, a knife, and just, stabbed me. And I did nothing to stop him. Maybe it was the shock, or that I was a little distracted, or maybe I let him do it.
Now that I have time to think, I’m almost sure I let him do it. I could have deflected the knife and try to explain the situation, but where would that lead us? To him telling me I could never see Cas again? Destroying the wardrobe for good? I couldn’t allow that. I couldn’t let someone take Cas from me again. I know I said that things were getting better, but that was a lie, I’d been grieving for weeks and still couldn’t close my eyes without repeating I’m my head Cas’s last moments. The other Cas helped, but the moment I went back to my bunker, everything felt empty. So maybe I took the easy way, and let him kill me. Wanna know the saddest part of all? I thought he would be here.
⏤ But he’s not.
⏤ But he isn’t. I woke up here, I looked around, and the only one here was you, ready to tell me what? That I doomed myself?
⏤ Well, basically, yes. ⏤ Angels, always so diligent. ⏤ See, you wanted to be with the angel Castiel in your heaven, the real one, not some elaborated memory; which could had happened because of the reforms, I’ve heard they took the walls off. But the angel Castiel of this dimension is alive. Your Castiel died in your dimension, which means he’s there, spending eternity in his heaven.
⏤ He’s in heaven? But I saw the Empty take him. ⏤ truly, that was the only thing I could think about.
⏤ Yes, he was. According to my data, Jack made some accommodations. Though you both would appreciate that when your time came around.
⏤ So what? I just spend eternity here?
⏤ Yes. We can’t move you, obviously, so you’re going to be labeled as “Dean Winchester. Dimension 367” and left here. Once this talk is over, a nice memory will start.
⏤ What will happen to Cas? Is he just going to wait forever?
⏤ I don’t know, I don’t care. Enjoy your last minutes of consciousness. ⏤ And with that, they disappeared and things started to get blurry.
This was it, I will live forever on an almost happy memory and I won’t even know it. If I just stayed, maybe I would have died, but Cas would be with me; and I wouldn’t feel so dizzy, like I’m spiraling. My consciousness must be going away, and in my truly last moments I’m thinking about all the things that could have been.
⏤ I love you too. ⏤ I tell to nothing before my mind finally goes away.