Work Text:
Day 6
Bruised - Touch Starved - Hunger
Kara
It started innocently enough.
Kara really couldn’t imagine it happening any other way. When he’d brought Blue home… Stars, when Blue first came home he was scared out of his mind. The common cat was hurt and somehow ashamed about it more than he was worried for his health or the long term effects that it might have.
He was jumping at everything.
Not that Kara could blame him. Not with the picture that was coming together in his head. Not when he’d seen how battered Blue’s body was. The scars and bruises made so much worse by the way that Blue seemed not to find it extraordinary.
No, Kara had seen it in his eyes. Blue had come to see it as normal.
Blue hadn’t even looked at his body. Hadn’t concerned himself with the marks when he’d climbed in the bath. The weight in the air had been palpable, and it was plain to see that he expected more of the same.
So Kara had done what had seemed like the only reasonable thing in his mind… at least for this. If it was a normal situation, an even halfway normal situation Kara would have left well enough alone. He would have given Blue privacy, and stepped out and tried to reach out to whoever Blue might have felt comfortable with. Whoever might have been able to deal with this better than a stranger.
But this wasn’t normal. Blue was his familiar… and there was nowhere that he could have reached out to.
The only thing that had come to Kara’s mind was trying to sooth his familiar. To try and get him to accept the touch of the one he was so obviously afraid of.
So he’d settled down and scrubbed his familiar. Gently, carefully clearing away all of the dirt and grime that had clung to his skin, working over the scrapes and nicks to make sure the area was clean.
It made sense to Kara. if he was the one scaring Blue, then he just needed to spend time with him. He just needed to prove that he wasn't the big bad dangerous Master that the familiar saw in him. And so after getting dressed and putting some food in his familiar, it made sense that Kara had jumped to sharing a bed. Jumped to allowing an exchange of rather intimate, prolonged contact where they could both be vulnerable.
It made sense then. Even if he hadn’t been so perfectly comfortable with the idea at first. Even though fitting the familiar in his arms had made him freeze up, his whole body tense and his heart race in his chest as he was acutely aware of exactly how much space his body took up. Exactly where his hands were and how he’d never find a natural and non-cumbersome place for them.
It was a reward, Kara had decided in his mind. After all that Blue had gone through, after patiently and willingly sitting through his wounds being prodded and wrapped by a complete stranger. Blue deserved it.
Kara couldn’t imagine it was anything other than stressful. Even if it was meant to be comforting, they were still strangers, and Kara was under no impression that this hadn’t turned into some off brand exposure therapy. Still, there was at least some basis for it working.
It was something the team would do every now and then… every night in the field.
It was decompression time. They would lay in piles and just be… existing with each other, in their space, allowing the fulfilling and undemanding touch of another in their space. Letting each other know they weren’t alone. Making sure they knew there would always be someone else there to lean on.
It was safe.
Or at least an approximation of safety in a very unsafe environment. Kara’s not under any delusion that things could have progressed so quickly without the imminent threat that followed them around. That it would have been the same just spending time in each other's company, without the adrenaline, the danger… without needing to lean on each other.
It felt good with them. Something calming, almost soothing, to relax into.
It hadn’t felt like that with Blue.
It had felt stilted. Awkward. Painful almost as Kara forced himself to hold his breath and wait for the pills to kick in. Try to hold his breath and commit to an even rhythm as Blue’s heartbeat echoes too loud in his own ears. There was something strange about Blue being there, about feeling the physical presence beside him in a space that had become almost sacred for the lack of it.
It was wrong, but it was better than the alternative.
Kara could lie to himself. He could say that after the bath it had seemed like the most natural progression to tuck Blue into bed. That he’d been too tired to really think about it, about the consequences, that it felt nice to have Blue in his arms when he woke up, snuggled and warm. Pressed up against each other and adjusted in sleep when neither of them could be conscious enough to worry about how they folded into each other.
This was supposed to be a reward. It didn’t matter that the thought of someone new in this space, the thought of a complete stranger, turned Kara’s stomach in a way that he really hadn’t been ready for. The common cat was undeniably something foreign in the environment and as Kara was trying to coach his heart back into a normal range he couldn’t stop himself from insisting. From knowing that if he put Blue in the bed, the common cat would stay like it was an order… because that was expected. Because Blue knew better than to go against his words. It made him feel terrible.
Sick from the inside that he was capable and willing to do such a thing, but it was too new. It was all too new. A new person in his world. In his house, his Aunt’s house, that he barely even knew.
At the time he hadn’t known how to begin to process that. The feelings that came with that.
He’d let Blue wander around the next day. He’d come to the decision clearheaded from the night’s rest and entirely not racked with horrifying amounts of guilt. It was an easy decision to come to, when the second Blue’s head had touched the pillow he’d passed out and Kara had forced himself to objectively assess the situation.
He was being unreasonable. There wouldn’t be damage from it, but he was being unreasonable. It would be better in the morning, he promised himself. When the newness wore off and he could pretend like they were fine. When he had time to reassess.
Tomorrow, when his heart calmed and his body stopped crying out in alarm at the proximity of another. It would be better in the morning.
His hand brushed against Blue’s and his heart had nearly stopped in his chest as the familiar’s fingers almost reflexively jerked at the sensation. But the common cat didn’t wake up. His nose scrunched and his ears twitched, but soon his breathing evened right back out and Kara was left staring at his hand.
Because more than anything the physical sensation had spooked him. Feeling someone else there when he reached out to fix the blanket, feeling someone at all. It had been a long time since he’d had anyone close. It was… something almost disquieting, but Kara hadn’t given it much thought.
It was probably because Blue felt so cold. That was why it had felt strange. Blue was cold… and yet, somehow that felt like a lie as Kara pulled up the blankets, bunching them around his new familiar. There were weird feelings there…
He was probably just tired.
But it didn’t go away in the morning. Well, not the odd feelings at least. He was more comfortable with Blue in his space, with leaving the house with only a little worry as to Blue’s overall safety while he was left alone. At least he was much more capable of recognizing that the odd paranoid thoughts that had come to him last night were products of his overtaxed mind. He was just being crazy.
But still, the odd feelings lingered.
It happened again and again, almost every time he touched Blue, skin to skin or just a tousle of the hair, there was no difference. It left an odd sensation, pushing at boundaries that Kara hadn’t really realized he’d had until he stopped flinching. Until Kara stops forcing his body to remain still or count breaths as he forces himself to relax... so that he can appear relaxed at least.
It stops feeling unnatural. It stops hurting and becomes a mindless indulgence. It becomes easy and natural when Blue brushes up against him. First with a stuttered little apology, but not long after with a crooked grin. It’s on purpose, and when Kara goes to do the same it’s purposeful as well.
Kara didn’t notice when it first started feeling so completely natural to have Blue tucked up against him, when the weight of his familiar in his arms started feeling so right. It’s impossible to pinpoint when Blue’s heartbeat beside him became something soothing, something he looked forward to almost as much as running his own hands over Blue’s perpetually cold ones.
He only notices when he starts wanting more.
He notices when he’s suddenly desperate for bed, knowing Blue will be there, will slot up against him and be there. Someone to hold and make everything real again. He notices when he starts brushing his hand against Blue’s just to feel him. Just to see him look up from whatever it is he’s doing, from the pure diligence of the act, because that’s the only way Blue seems to know how to do things. He notices when he pulls Blue against him, into his arms during the day like he has any right to. When he fits Blue in his arms to ask how he’s doing, what he’s doing, like it’s the only option. Like he couldn’t have asked it from a distance of zero.
Because that’s different.
It’s different from how it all started. It started awkward and painful and slow. It started as a reward and a hopeful little exercise in trust, so Blue could see that Kara wasn’t going to hurt him. So that Blue wouldn’t be afraid all the time. So that Kara could show him that it wouldn’t be inherently dangerous to occupy the same place without Kara getting angry at him. To show that he didn’t expect total submission and debasement at all times.
Touch did that. It provided that gentle outlet that proved better than any word Kara could ever come up with that Blue would be safe, that everyone was calm, and that it would all be ok.
That was the point. That was the whole point of the exercise. It didn’t make sense to keep continuing on with it now that they were past all those initial problems. There’s a big difference between casual reassurance and seeking out contact multiple times per day.
There’s a difference.
It would be better if Kara would stop. Would stop making it mandatory, set up the other guest room and make sure Blue knew he could sleep in a bed all on his own if he wanted. That when Kara offered his hand he wasn’t required to take it. He wasn’t expected to take it.
At some point it stops being a conscious effort, to engage, to reassure, to stop himself from flinching and putting up boundaries.
It stopped being about Blue.
It started because Kara wanted to help Blue… but the common cat didn’t really need it anymore, and if he did then certainly not all the time like Kara wanted. Like Kara found himself craving like some kind of addict. It got worse on their long days. On his long days, because Blue had the Care Center and his friends and Kara… went through the motions. He would go to classes and do his best to talk with other students without ever really having to talk with other students. To keep his head down and take notes and take notes… and basically nothing else as he’d do his best to learn without seeing what was unfolding in front of him.
He needed the formal training. He needed it. There would be no getting around that. There was a reason for the Academia. It was the best, in rank, in stature, in division of topics. It brought together experts in their fields and provided a research institution that was what he needed… was everything he’d dared to hope for.
Except it drained him. It wasn’t just the classes, the difficult curriculum and the rigorous expectations it was… everything. And there were more familiars, other familiars that Kara loathed to look away from, but he wasn’t sure what more he could really do.
And on those days he needed. He needed Blue so much more than he would ever have any right to. He knew because it wasn’t Blue seeking him out, it was Kara. Pulling his arms around him and just holding him. Recharging, drunk on the contact before he could even feel bad about how flagrant the abuse of power was.
Then tough again became something Kara was wary of, was hesitant for, but it still happened. No matter how hard he tried to control himself. No matter how far away he tried to push his mind from the need. They would sit together. They would cuddle. When they read, when they slept, nearly every moment that could be spared was spent close. Satiating the need that welled up far too often, far too hungry for Kara’s liking.
Kara enjoys control. Enjoys being able to exert control over himself and his situation at the very minimum. It helps him feel calm, knowing that he’s doing something and it’s creating fixed conditions around him. But this…
This he can’t control.
He can’t control it in any other way than physically separating himself from Blue and ignoring the need when his chest hurts. When it burns and twists in him until it’s a physical ache and he wants nothing more than to take Blue into his arms and just breathe.
So he starts retreating. Doing his best to give Blue space. Here for Blue if the familiar needs him, but out of the way so he doesn’t make Blue uncomfortable. So that he’s not tying him down with his presence.
There’s something wrong with him so Kara stays in his workshop. Stays down longer than he needs to. Heart pounding minutes of work being done, everything on his desk cleaned up, but unwilling to open the door again. Unsure if his presence will be well received. Wondering if enough time has passed that he can try and pull Blue in his arms again and it won’t be strange. If it won’t be taking more than is due. Minutes to hours of desperation, of fiddling with the smallest things as he tries to waste time and not interrupt the time that Blue has alone… Something that’s probably precious and rare for him. Hoping that by waiting, by giving it time that it won’t be cloying… that it will provide some of the same relief that it does for Kara.
That’s the worst bit. Kara doesn’t know where to draw the line.
Blue won’t say no.
It would be better if Blue stopped him. If he told Kara that his presence was starting to be annoying, when he no longer wanted to sit with the human who insisted on wrapping his arm around Blue and dragging him into cuddles at any given time… with any given excuse. It would be better even if it hurt. Even if Blue snapped at him, told him to get away and leave him alone. It would be better, at least for Kara. Because at least then he would know where he stands. He would know where Blue drew the line for what he was comfortable with and then he could work with that.
But Blue never says anything. The familiar allows the touch without any words of reprimand, because how could he? How could he ever be expected to say such a thing? To his Master no less.
Blue has had the concept of ‘no’ beaten out of him since he was a child.
It should stop him. It should make him back away and assess these things in context, but Kara can’t. He can’t stop himself from craving, from the physical need that crops up with such force and intensity that it surprises him. Concerns him.
Because this isn’t normal. It’s not. It can’t be.
It wasn’t like this before. Not when he was with his unit. Not when he was home and his younger siblings used him as a climbing gym or a bean bag to sleep on. It was different. He liked that, he’d enjoyed it. And especially with his unit, he could admit that most of the time he needed it. They all did, but this… It’s like he can’t get enough.
It’s like his body’s making up for lost time.
And above all Kara doesn’t want to hurt Blue. Kara doesn’t want to scare him. He doesn’t want to cause Blue anymore stress, or make it all the more difficult for his familiar to ride the line between respectful and safe and voicing his opinion with the possibility of danger.
But Blue is adorable and perfect. It’s one of the simple and immutable facts of the universe.
Blue is adorable curled up next to him. When the familiar octopuses his limbs and hold Kara like his own personal pillow, pressing close and snuggling. Because he’s adorable and enthusiastic, but he’s not really willing… is he?
Kara’s broken out of the line of thought by pain, sharp and immediate.
“Fuck!” He screams reflexivity as he pulls his thumb from where he jammed it in the drawer. It’s throbbing and red and Kara can already tell that it’s going to bruise.
“Master?”
Kara’s heart nearly stops at the gentle voice that sounds from the other room. The gentle padding sound of Blue’s socks against tile as he comes to check on the noise that has sounded off in the kitchen.
“Ah, Hey, Blue…” Kara smiles as he tries not to think about the slow heartbeat he’s feeling under his nail. “I- nothing’s wrong, you’re good.”
“You hurt yourself!”
Kara’s surprised at Blue’s affronted cry, almost as surprised as he is by the way he immediately runs over and cups Kara’s hand in his.
Kara tries very hard not to relive his thoughts in real time. He just stares at his hand where Blue’s holding it and tries very hard not to love the feeling… Tries very hard not to let himself want more.
Stars, when did he become so undisciplined?
When had this started to get to the point that it was something he could barely summon the will to fight against it? When did it go this far? To the point that just this simple touch was enough to have him wanting Blue in his arms and just… not moving for a few hours. He could convince himself that it was a good idea. That it would be better to take a nap before he needed to do homework, but-
Kara jumps at the feeling of Blue’s tounge, rough as it always is, against his thumb. And that’s all the warning he gets before his thumb is in Blue’s mouth. The familiar’s tongue laving against his thumb.
A moment passes and Kara takes that time to let his heart rate calm. Forces himself to look away and take a breath before even trying to speak.
“Blue… what are you doing?” Kara asks as calmly as he can, with Blue suckling gently on his finger, with the look of pure concentration that seems so very out of place for this.
Blue’s eyes meet his for a moment of innocent confusion before a blush blooms high on Blue’s cheeks and he pulls away.
“I…” he starts, clearing his throat for a second like it will stop the spots of red on his face. “It’s supposed to make it better”
Kara knew that. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he understood that. Even his brothers would do that too from time to time. Though they would shove the finger they jammed into their own mouths. Kara never really understood where they learned that from. He couldn’t remember their mother ever doing that with him.
“Are you ok?” Blue’s question brings Kara back to reality. His hand still cradled in both of Blue’s as the familiar pouts at the reddened finger like it’s a personal slight.
“Yeah, Blue…” Kara lies.
Because he’s not alright. There’s something very wrong with him because he wants to stay here and keep having Blue hold his hand. But he also knows that he could. He could make Blue stay here with him… if he made it an order. If he used the power Blue thought Kara had over him.
And then he would be a truly horrid person.
“I’m just a little tired, I think.” Kara answers instead.
“Want to take a nap? I know you still have work to do and there’s plenty to-” the last bit comes out in a rush, Blue’s fingers twining together in a nervous gesture that he’s been adopting since Kara started calling him out on his scratching habit.
“Yeah, Blue I… I think I'm gonna try for a nap.” Kara tries his best not to dwell on the complicated feelings that start when he pulls out of Blue’s grasp.
It’s selfish but Kara wants Blue to come with him. Kara wants him there and just… be there. He wants the steady presence that he can relax into. Blue follows without a word, up the stairs and going to the night stand as Kara tries not to fidget. Tries not to make eyes for the door. He can’t change if Blue’s here, he can’t. But Blue pulls out some cozy clothes and strips with none of Kara’s reserve.
Blue crawls into bed, fluffing up the pillows while Kara ducks into the bathroom, changing as quickly as possible. Like if he can get back quick enough then Blue won’t have time to change his mind.
Blue’s in his preferred spot, with an open spot beside him and the wall at his back. The position would make Kara feel claustrophobic, would make him feel trapped, but Blue kept going back to that spot after that first night. He kept choosing that spot even when he got the chance to go to bed first. He has to like it… for some reason or another, right? It’s not just some habit, some implicit order that Kara gave that Blue never brought up, right?
Kara’s breath catches as Blue pats at the bed in front of him, gesturing to the open space that’s laid out for Kara, clear with the blankets pushed back already. Kara didn’t order him to do it. He didn’t ask for Blue to be here, to get in bed and take a nap with him. This is fine, right?
It’s Blue’s choice right now, not Kara asserting his will. Not Kara making him feel uncomfortable and Blue just suffering through it, choosing the lesser of the many evils he’s seen in his life.
“Kara?” Blue calls and Kara barely hold in the full body flinch.
It’s fine. It’ll all be fine. Blue still needs this from time to time, Kara’s not just being selfish. There are times when Blue genuinely needs this When it helps him calm down and makes him feel more stable, but… Stars, it’s hard to parse out.
Kara can feel Blue’s eyes boring into him, so he gets in. Allows himself to climb up onto the bed and settle down, in body if not in mind. And Kara doesn’t have to wait for that to get more complicated as Blue immediately adheres himself to Kara’s side. Snuggling in close before closing his eyes and letting his long tail curl around him.
“Blue...” Kara bites at his lip as his familiar’s ears twitch. Blue’s eyes blinking open and pinning him with such an open and curious stare that it hurts. It hurts something in Kara’s chest and if he’s hurting Blue… Kara’s not sure he could bear it.
Kara swallows, lets himself think for a moment as he tries to pick his next words very carefully.
“Yeah?” Blue asks after the moment extends just a little too long, but it’s still nice. Nice to hear his voice, nice to have an additional reassurance. Nice to know he’s there, really there.
Kara leans forward and presses his lips to the top of Blue’s head, cheeks tickled by the soft, fluffy ears that jump up in surprise at the action.
“Blue,” Kara murmurs into his dark hair, hoping that this comes easier if he just doesn’t have to look at Blue, if he can just focus for the moment on the comfortable shape of Blue’s body against him. “Do you… like this?”
Blue goes stiff in Kara’s arms and it’s all Kara can do not to choke on his own words and sob.
Fuck.
The good thing to do would be to let him go, to push away and let him retreat and make sure that he knows that this is no longer an expected part of their dynamic. That Kara doesn’t expect this, that he never expected this and Blue isn’t required to fulfill his Master’s whims like this. That Blue isn’t required to make himself uncomfortable for the sake of acting proper. But Kara doesn’t let go, he can’t. He just keeps holding Blue close, trying to soak up the last few seconds before Blue’s able to summon words again and this all comes crashing down.
“I-I, um” Kara hates the hesitance in Blue’s voice, the way it sounds so small, how uncomfortable it is for Blue to fall back into that tone.
“I-If you feel uncomfortable I can-” Blue’s not done, but Kara doesn’t let him finish speaking.
“No, Blue. What I asked was if you liked this.” He says again, voice full of authority that he doesn’t feel as he presses Blue closer, squishing Blue against his body so that Blue knows exactly what he’s asking about.
“Y-yeah,” Blue answers after a quiet moment. His voice is still hesitant, still full of a worry that breaks Kara’s heart. “I like this.”
Kara doesn’t have the strength to ask again, to clarify, to tell Blue what he really means to say. It’s enough for now. It’s enough as Kara’s eyes slide closed and still feel Blue in his arms, can feel his breath evening out as he snuggles close and sleepiness settles over his body. It’s enough to calm the fear at least for now.
At least while he’s feeling this selfish and desperate to take what is offered.