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Seishu Inui
“All good things must come to an end”.
Bullshit. Utter bullshit. As if saying all things, friendships, relationships, bonds we’ve created were all temporary happiness. It’s as if saying someday, it will take everything that is good, rip you apart and leave you.
Bullshit indeed. I thought, if we keep taking care of the bond we made, there is no way in hell it would end just like that.
Utter bullshit, indeed, my thought years ago.
That thought of mine took a wrong turn when here I stand, darkness almost looms over the sky, the sun shying away, just like the burning in my heart slowly disappear as I am waiting for him.
Yes. Him.
My best friend. My soul. My heart. My first love.
After all of the things that happened, I wonder what he will say? He called me here, he didn't say why but i obeyed him. Just like old times. Oh yes, I would listen to everything he said. I would follow what he said I should do. But what if he says we have to part ways? Do I have the right to decline, or do I have to obey no matter what the circumstances?
“Yo”, that familiar voice I have come to recognize since we were children makes me shudder. I turn around, there he is. Walking toward me, hands in pockets. It’s as if everything is blurry, I could only see him in front of me. “Koko”, I slowly breathe out his name.
I smile bitterly, not knowing what to say as he inches closer to where I stand. I can’t look him in the eye because every time I do, I am reminded of how those eyes held so much grudge, hatred, pain, and love.
Love. There was a time where I looked into his eyes and saw the shine, as if he was telling he loved me and I almost believed it. Those same eyes too, have cried for my sister before.
My sister. My first love was and still is in love with my sister. That voice in my head feels like a slap on my face.
He puts his hand on my shoulder. God, please don't. Don't say anything. “I’ll be going my own way”. There. He said it. My head is spinning, searching for an answer. Just one, but I can't find any. Do I have the right to say “No, don't go” or do I have no choice but to obey his words, just like always?
I stay silent. I don't want him to go. He was and still is everything to me. He is all I have, he was there for me, he knows me best.
Or did he?
I want to say something but no words, not even one comes out of my mouth. My throat feels dry. My mouth shut. I can still smell his perfume when he is standing beside me, that smell I have always come to know and recognize. That smell I feel comfortable in.
“I can’t support you anymore”, he continued, refusing to look me in the eye. So did I. “So, don’t end up on the wrong path, okay?”, he smiles at me, as if saying that isn't a big deal at all. Wrong path? Yeah right, I can take care of myself. I know that. I know that but it will take a very long time for me to get used to living alone. Without him by my side anymore.
“Guess it’s farewell”. I hate him. How can he say all these things and don't end up choking in tears because I want to cry my eyes out. My heart is aching like crazy it feels like he is stabbing it himself. I feel like I can drop down on my knees but I keep myself up. My eyes are welling up with tears. No. I can't look him in the eyes like this.
Of course he is not choking in tears as he said those words. He was and still is in love with my sister. My dead sister. I was just a replacement. Always has been. But I can accept that fact. As long as he is with me.
He starts to walk away from me slowly. “Yeah”, I pick up the courage to say something. I guess he is not waiting for me because he knows what I'll say. He knows I will not have any words to say against his decision and even if I do argue, he knows I can't win over him. Just like I can't win over his heart.
But the sound of his footsteps stopped. He is standing right behind me, a few steps away, facing the other way. We stood there silently. The only sound we can hear are the birds and some cars driving by.
“Thank you for everything”, I smile. Tears brimming my eyes. I refuse to let them flow down on my cheeks right now, I don't want to risk him seeing me cry. But as we know each other for long, I guess he does notice how my voice shakes when I speak. I hope he doesn't notice though.
“Dumbass”, he says, his voice low but I can hear him just as clear. “Likewise”. Then I hear his footsteps begin to fade, bringing my heart away with him. I stand there still, looking ahead. I let one tear down, two, three, then all of them started to flow down fast.
I can't bear the aching in my heart so I crouched down, leaning my right side on the bridge’s rail. I choke, sob, one hand covering my chest where my heart is beating fast. It beats fast, reminding me that I am still alive. But I feel just as dead because Koko just took it away with him.
I’d rather die like this than having to cry in front of him.
Kokonoi Hajime
“All good things must come to an end”.
That was the saying Inui and I used to hear long ago. Whenever we hear that sentence, I would listen to Inui ranting about how absurd it is. How he hates it so much he could throw up. How ‘utter bullshit’ it really was. I would tell him he was just overreacting and thinking too much off of it. But I regret saying that.
Because now, I think of those years we spent together, through thick and thin, one would say. I think of those moments when we would laugh, fight, and also sit in silence. I think of those things as I am standing here, admiring his figure from approximately 10 feet away from him.
He hasn’t noticed me yet. He keeps on looking down, eyes glued to the road, frown on his face. Idiot. Are you thinking of why I called you here? What will I say? Whether or not you have the right to decline my offers?
I breathe in, trying to practice keeping a smile on my face and composure in myself. What am I gonna say when I walk up to him? What will his expression be if he sees my face?
“Yo”, I let out finally, walking up to him. He turns and looks up, our eyes meeting. The frown on his face minutes ago slowly fades away as he smiles, “Koko”, he breathes out.
I then inch closer to where he stands. For some odd reason, he keeps on looking away, eyes wandering everywhere else but not on mine. I try to focus on his eyes but fail. Won’t you please let me look into your eyes one last time?
I wish he could just look at me in the eyes even just for a split second so I could remember how calm I feel whenever our eyes meet. How my heart feels at ease looking into yours. How sometimes I thought that was your sister’s.
Your sister. Akane. My first love who got away from my grasp years ago.
She may be my first, but I will always think of Inui as my last. Oh, only if he knew. He must have thought I am still in love with his sister.
At first, yes, when I realized the body I picked up the day his house was set on fire, I regretted going in just to save someone else. I admit I couldn’t accept that fact. I admit how I wished that was his sister instead of him.
As years went by, I realized I was and still am falling in love with him. Not because his face is just like Akane, not because his eyes reminded me of Akane but because he is him. He is Inui. My Inui.
But of course I am not telling him that.
I put my hand on his shoulders as I faced the other way. “I’ll be going my own way,” I said. I realized my hand is slowly turning cold but I am sure he doesn’t notice that.
He is silent. Even if I can’t look at his face, I know he is trying to find a word to say. All those years we were together, he would always obey my words. And when we did argue, it would just be for a while and he would eventually agree to what I say.
As much as I said I will be going my own way, I still don’t know where I am going. I don’t want to go. He is everything to me. Wherever he stands, that’s my home.
He was so silent I could hear his heartbeat, and even mine as well. I can hear his breathing, not too steady. I absorb his presence, trying to remember how calming being with him is. Just in case if I will miss it.
Oh, I will.
The silence was so sickening I tried to break it. “I can’t support you anymore”, I say. Little did I know, I also am refusing to look him in the eye. “So, don’t end up on the wrong path, okay?”, I finally turned my face a little and smiled at him. I feel ridiculous after saying that because I know he will not end up on the wrong path anyway. He was always aware of the path he chose, he even took care of mine.
But I guess now I can’t expect him to take care of mine anymore.
“Guess it’s farewell”, I say. I hate saying that. We are both aware this will end one way or another. Whether we meet today or not, this will eventually end. I hate the silent treatment he is giving me. But I know he can’t say anything because his mind is empty.
I really am in love with him but I realized the reality. I can’t say it. I can’t say it out loud to him.
Because no matter how I put my words, trying to say I am in love with him, it would still sound absurd to him. Even to me. Even to everyone, I believe.
I want to cry out loud and scream how much I love him. How he makes me feel. In what way I love him. But I can’t.
He was never a replacement. I at least hope he knows that fact. Please know it.
I start to walk away from him, leaving that known figure behind. “Yeah”, he finally said something after what felt like years of silence. But I know he doesn't have any words to say anyway. I know he is giving me silence because he will not know what to say to whatever decision I might make.
But what if I really say I am in love with you? Would you give me the silent treatment too?
I stop suddenly. As much as I want to walk away right this second, I want to really feel being in his presence. I hope I don’t ever forget this.
“Thank you for everything”, he says. Even if tears don’t blind my vision right now, if only he knew how shattered my soul is right now but I refuse to show it. I refuse to show that side of me.
But I noticed. Oh, I noticed how his voice shakes when he speaks.
“Dumbass”, I say, voice low as my heart and soul shatter to pieces. “Likewise”. I feel like there’s a lump in my throat I am about to throw up. My feet feel heavy as I take a few steps ahead, knowing I have to leave Inui behind, leaving his presence.
Every step I take, every second I walk, leaving Inui behind, a part of me breaks.
I hope his soul breaks too, because I would love to bring even the tiniest part of him with me. And I hope he knows my soul just broke the day I fell in love with him because ever since that day, he brings a part of me, part of my soul along with him.
I can just run back to him and hug him, tell him I am actually in love with him. Genuinely. In love.
But I’d rather lie than tell him I’m in love with him.