Work Text:
Tuesday, 7 December 2021
Jjongsaeng <3 [11:38 pm]
hyung
are you busy...?
am i disturbing you?
You [11:44 pm]
no
i was a bit busy with my assignments
what's up jongseong-ah?
Jjongsaeng <3 [11:45 pm]
nothing hyung
i was just worried
i haven't seen you in a while
and i miss you
You [11:56 pm]
i miss you too jongseong-ah
i'm sorry for not keeping in touch
work got the best of me again
what's new haha
Jjongsaeng <3 [11:57 pm]
i totally understand you hyung
okay then
i'm sorry to disturb you
but
um
can i call you tomorrow?
You [12:05 am]
sure
no worries
Jjongsaeng <3 [12:06 am]
okay hyung
i'll talk to you tomorrow
good night
i love you <3
You [12:15 am]
good night
i love you
Heeseung feels utterly empty.
He cries himself to sleep that night.
Thursday, 16 December 2021
Jjongsaeng <3 [1:14 pm]
hyung
do you have a class now?
do you wanna grab something to eat?
You [1:16 pm]
sorry seong-ah
i have a replacement class at 1.30
i'm so sorry
Jjongsaeng <3 [1:17 pm]
okay hyung
no worries
i'll text you later?
wanna have dinner with me?
You [1:20 pm]
sure
anything's fine
i'll see you later
Jjongsaeng <3 [1:21 pm]
okay then
see you later hyung
i love you <3
Heeseung stares at the text.
I love you.
It weighs so heavily on his lips. It burdens him gratefully so that it is stifling. His fingers are moving at the speed of light, typing the exact words, but he finds it hard to press the send button. He cannot do it. He feels like dying.
Friday, 31 December 2021
Jjongsaeng <3 [12:39 am]
hyung
are we okay?
did i do something wrong?
did i say something that hurt your feelings?
if i did...
i'm so sorry hyung
tell me how i can make you feel better
please?
You [12:55 am]
seong-ah
what are you talking about?
i'm fine silly
there's nothing to worry about
*sends funny meme*
Jjongsaeng <3 [12:57 am]
hyung
i know that you're not okay
please tell me?
it breaks my heart to see you like this
jaeyoon said you're not eating enough
sunghoon and riki told me you skipped some classes today
sunoo and jungwon came to your house
but you didn't come out
do you want me to come over?
or i can cook something for you?
You [1:15 am]
i'm okay
i'm just tired
yeah
i'm tired
that's all
stop worrying about me
Jjongsaeng <3 [1:16 am]
why didn't you tell me anything hyung?
we are boyfriends, aren't we?
why are we not communicating hyung?
You [1:22 am]
it's nothing serious
i just need some time alone
i'll be fine
you don't have to worry about me
Jjongsaeng <3 [1:23 am]
but i want to
i want to worry about you
i care about you hyung
and knowing you're not behaving the way you usually do fucks me up real bad hyung
i don't know what to do
i want to help you
can't you tell me what's wrong?
You [1:25 am]
you don't have to help me
i'll be okay
i'm going to bed now
good night
Heeseung wants to scream and pull his hair out. He wants to cry and bawl his eyes until no tears are there to shed. Heeseung wants to be with Jongseong so bad that his stomach lurches, his throat dries, his body trembles in desperation, in want. He wants the younger to hold him, cuddle him, kiss him, scold him for fucking up their relationship. But after what he did, he does not deserve to wish for all those things.
It is not Jongseong's fault. It is his.
If only Heeseung knows how to control his emotions. If only he did not let sadness and hopelessness take over his control system, he would not act like a jerk to his caring and loving boyfriend. If only Heeseung is not an overthinker, Jongseong is not the victim of his endless what if's.
Wednesday, 12 January 2022
You [6:17 pm]
jongseong-ah
are you free today?
i feel like eating tteokbokki
do you wanna join me?
Sunday, 16 January 2022
You [4:33 pm]
seong?
are you busy?
do you wanna come over?
Monday, 17 January 2022
You [7:45 pm]
i guess you are busy
i'm sorry for disturbing you
i'll call you later okay?
i miss you
Call declined [11:29 pm]
Jongseong does not answer his calls.
He has messed up, and there is no way Heeseung can fix it.
Friday, 4 February 2022
You [4:10 am]
seong-ah
i can;t stop tjinking about u
i miss u so much
but i knw i fucked up
i hurt u
i knw
i'm a mess
i'm sorry for ebeing a fuvking mess
asjsmz,jdi399184jwdkql
Jjongsaeng <3 [4:12 am]
hyung
you are drunk
You [4:13 am]
NOOO
i/m not hahhahahaha
what makes u think i',m drunk hahaha
Jjongsaeng <3 [4:14 am]
i'm coming over
be there in ten
Heeseung stares at the screen. Something is tickling him. He laughs. He laughs until tears fall unexpectedly, and by then, Heeseung no longer finds it funny.
There is a constant knocking on the door.
If anyone is sane enough to think, they will quickly open the door to see what is happening. But at the moment, Heeseung is on the clouds, busy travelling to faraway places, someplace intangible. In his dreams, Jongseong is there to hold his hand and lead him to somewhere pretty.
He sees a field of sunflowers blooming, the grass is green underneath his shoeless feet, and the sound of the summer waves crashing over the shore is distant, mellow but there. It is so beautiful that Heeseung wants to stay here forever.
The knocking continues, and Heeseung finds it annoying. It is interrupting his dreams of Jongseong. He gruffs, dissatisfied.
With shaky legs, he tries to stand up. Heeseung holds onto the leather sofa- a groan escapes his lips as he tries to walk towards the door without falling over. He knocks over bottles of soju and the liquid spills to the wooden floor. Heeseung steps on it, laughing at himself for being clumsy but then curses when it makes his feet sticky.
When he reaches the door, he turns the doorknob, his fingers slip twice. He sees a blurry figure standing in front of him. Heeseung cannot make up the stranger's features, too intoxicated by the alcohol. But he can trace the snowflakes falling from the strands of wet hair, a black umbrella tucked underneath his armpits, a blue sweatshirt that looks so familiar that Heeseung can almost recognize if he is sober.
"Hyung?"
That voice sounds so much like Jongseong. His heart races without warning, and Heeseung knows it is not from the influence. Only Park Jongseong can make his heart thump this fast.
He rubs his eyes, trying to clear the mist that conceals his sight. No matter how hard he tries, the silhouette in front of him is still blurry, but it does not stop Heeseung to make a guess. From the perfume, Heeseung knows it is Jongseong.
Like a complete fool, Heeseung smiles, feeling electrocuted for the nth time. He calls Jongseong-ah, slurring every syllable, and his universe begins to spin again.
He misses the younger so much. He misses Jongseong too much that sleeping has become a chore than a necessity, and drinking the pain away is the only solution to make him disremember.
When he is drunk and mindless, he omits the days he ignored Jongseong's text, their dates where Heeseung no longer held Jongseong's hand, and that day when he snapped at the younger for being too caring. He would forget about everything, and Heeseung would not feel guilty about it. It will always hurt too much to remember.
But now, Jongseong is here, and Heeseung has nowhere to run. Heeseung needs to face the younger once and for all. His alter ego wants to make up more excuses. He wants to find more reasons to deny than confess. But reality came knocking on the door when Heeseung was least expecting it.
It is all blue and grey, with a tinge of red and black. Heeseung does not remember anything that happens afterwards. He only remembers that he falls onto Jongseong, and for the first time in a while, he sleeps without having nightmares of Jongseong leaving him forever.
When he wakes up that morning, his head pounds so hard it makes Heeseung run straight to the bathroom. His world rotates and moves vertically- like he is on a rocketship flying to the moon. Heeseung is going against gravity, shifting far away from the planet. He has lost his common ground, detached from reality.
He vomits out everything that he swallowed last night, leaving his stomach empty with nothing but remorse. A bitter aftertaste lingers on his tongue, a constant reminder that yesterday was not a nightmare but another sleepless night spent with liquor, his new best friend.
As he turns the tap, he washes his face with the cold water. His skin soaks the cooling water like a sponge, and it makes him feel fresher than before. Heeseung stares at the reflection in the mirror. The other Heeseung is looking at him with sympathy. But those innocent doe eyes turn into something evil, wicked, mocking him for his every mistake.
Heeseung punches the mirror in front of him, but not hard enough to break it. A purple bruise forms on his knuckles immediately, and Heeseung secretly enjoys the pain. He needs more pain to forget about everything.
When he exits the bathroom, he is surprised to see Jongseong in the kitchen, looking at him with soft but soulless eyes. One hand is holding the kitchen mittens, and the other is holding a spoon. Jongseong looks like he always belongs to Heeseung's small apartment. Like he is supposed to be here and nowhere else.
"Oh, hyung," he greets, taken aback. Jongseong takes a glass from the cabinet and pours him a glass of water. He hands it over to Heeseung in silence.
Heeseung does not know how to react. He had fucked up, he ignored Jongseong and acted like a fool, but the younger is here in his house, treating him all the same. And it hurts him. It troubles Heeseung so much. He believes that he does not deserve to breathe anymore.
Jongseong stares at him. He examines Heeseung's every move, calculating his advances. But when the elder goes against everything he is expecting, Jongseong pushes the glass closer to Heeseung, more demanding.
Pointing at the glass, Jongseong remarks, "You need that."
"Why are you here?"
Heeseung knows he should have said something else, something that sounds less stupid and more empathetic. Jongseong came all the way here, in this freezing weather, only to take care of him, and Heeseung dares to ask him that instead of thanking him? For sure, Heeseung is digging his own grave today.
Jongseong scoffs. He glares at Heeseung. Red covers his eyes, and it is not from love or infatuation but anger and wrath.
"Oh, I cannot even visit my boyfriend now?" he asks, offended.
Heeseung tries to think of an answer, but his mind is still in chaos. His heart, on the other hand, is empty. Because from that day, Heeseung believes that he no longer deserves to feel anything.
Jongseong crosses his arms, waiting for Heeseung to respond. The younger is trying his best to filter out everything that he is about to say. Heeseung sees the gears working in his head.
Heeseung wishes that Jongseong curse and punches him in the face instead. He deserves it.
"You are going to ignore me again, huh, hyung?"
"Jongseong-ah, I told you there is nothing to worr-"
"Then why are you drunk all night, Heeseung hyung?!"
Jongseong has never raised his voice before. He was always gentle with Heeseung. Jongseong will always give his best to make Heeseung feel loved, respected, appreciated. Now, when Jongseong stares at him with those killer eyes, Heeseung realizes- he has taken everything for granted.
"I am stressed with my life, okay!"
Heeseung did not mean to snap, but he is also tired of putting up this act. Jongseong will always read him like an open book. He has nowhere to hide anymore. He lets go of the Perfect Lee Heeseung persona, and Jongseong is the first to witness his most real colour.
It is quiet. Heeseung no longer hears the stew bubbling away on the stove, the faint tune from the speaker, and his rapid heartbeat. Every sound in the world fades, every colour turns dark when he sees a tear escape Jongseong's beautiful, swollen eyes.
"Why did you not let me in, hyung?"
Jongseong looks so small in Heeseung's blue sweatshirt, so beautiful as the white light strokes his cheeks, so breathtaking when the rage in his eyes transcends into despair. Love is there in those orbs, hiding away from him. Heeseung sees so much emotion in those eyes, and if it is for him still, Heeseung is unworthy.
"Why did you have to suffer alone? Did you not trust me? You did not love me anymore? Do we mean so little, hyung?"
Heeseung hears his heart shatters, his ribcage falling into pieces, his blood runs cold when Jongseong continues to cry in silence. His feet brings him close to the younger, enclosing the wide gap that separated them before.
He takes Jongseong's hands and laces their fingers together. They are both trembling, cold, so lost. If they are not in so much pain, Heeseung thinks they can both laugh about it.
"Jongseong-ah," Heeseung calls, holding onto that teary gaze. Fragments of his broken heart are coming back together to form words of, "I love you so much."
"Then, why did you push me away?"
"I-" Heeseung sucks in the growing bile in his throat. He does not want to cry, not in front of Jongseong. He does not want to add more scratches to the bleeding wound.
"I do not want to burden you with my problems-"
"But, hyung! You know that I do not mind! I want to know! I want to know your problems! I want to be there for you!" Jongseong holds him by his shoulders, shaking them, exerting enough force to awaken Heeseung's dying senses.
"I know, Seong. But it is me. I do not want to tell you. I do not want to bother you. I am already a nuisance in your life. I cannot be more than that. I cannot." I do not want you to see my flaws.
Jongseong pushes him slightly. He sniffs, wiping away his tears vigorously. The fire is back in his eyes but not powerful enough to thaw Heeseung's frozen heart.
"You are the stupidest person I have ever met, Lee Heeseung," he remarks. Jongseong paces back and forth, away from Heeseung, trying to glue the pieces back together.
Heeseung feels a part of him dies along with Jongseong. It is burning; every beautiful memory they shared for the past five years is slowly disintegrating. Heeseung is desperate to keep them alive, but his efforts are in vain. Maybe he is already too late.
"You will never understand, Jongseong-ah," Heeseung admits defeatedly. "And I do not want you to understand. You do not have to. It is my problem. I do not want you to be involved."
"But that does not mean you could push me away, hyung," Jongseong bites back, and it hurts.
"Your actions do not justify anything, hyung. You hurt me, but most importantly, you are hurting yourself. Do you think I will just stand here and watch you destroy yourself? Do you think I will ever let you do that?"
Heeseung is speechless. He wants Jongseong to stay, but it is so selfish of him. He is hurting Jongseong. Heeseung should let him go. Jongseong deserves someone better than him.
"You should leave me," Heeseung admits, casting his vision to the floor.
When he looks up, he is resolute. "It is for the better."
Jongseong sighs. His shoulders are slumping in defeat, the bags under his eyes are thickening. He looks tired. Heeseung wants to end his pain once and for all. It is for the best.
But Heeseung does not expect Jongseong to pull him in his embrace. He does not expect Jongseong to hug him close, his arms circling Heeseung's thin waist, grounding him, making him feel safe, attaching him back into one. It breaks his heart even more.
"I cannot do that, hyung," Jongseong whispers, exhausted.
"I love you so much. I will die if I lose you."
"Jongseong-ah, I will only hurt you more," he laments, letting his guard down, knocking the wall surrounding his heart in one swift blow.
"And I will continue to hurt you because this is something I will always go through. I will be happy, but it does not last long enough for you to see. I am like a flower. I will wilt someday, and it is ugly." I am not as beautiful as you think.
"But at one phase in your life, you are beautiful, hyung."
Heeseung does not deserve Jongseong. He clearly does not.
"If you are a flower, then I am a butterfly. I witnessed your growth from the first day of your existence. I come to you not only for your beauty," Jongseong pauses, leaning closer to Heeseung's ear, "I come for your imperfections. Everything about you, hyung. It is my fate to come to you."
Heeseung cannot help but weep in Jongseong's arms. This is too much for him to take, but it is also something that his heart truly needs.
"I will come to you when you bloom. Even when you have wilted, I will continue to wait until you blossom again."
Like a sudden rain shower, Heeseung finds himself drowning in this sea of regret. Sadness gnaws on his skin, eating him alive, but Jongseong is there to fill the void with his selfless love.
In between quiet sobs, Heeseung musters a reply, "I do not deserve you, Jongseong-ah."
Jongseong laughs, and it sounds like a bell chiming from afar, gentle like a lullaby, inviting Heeseung into a waltzing trance.
"I do not deserve you too," he answers. "I guess we are perfect together?"
Heeseung is lightheaded. The only thing he can think about right now is Jongseong. His warmth, his scent, his strong arms around his waist, his lips on his clothed chest, hot breath fanning over his heart- Heeseung is losing himself to the clouds again.
He cannot help but laugh too.
"I am sorry for being a jerk. I am sorry for hurting you, Seong-ah."
"Yes, you are a jerk," the younger agrees. Jongseong's chuckles are louder now, radiant, almost piercing, but Heeseung enjoys it. It calms him. It makes him sane again.
"And I forgive you. Not only because I love you, but because you are human, and you will always deserve a chance."
Heeseung does not know that it is possible to fall in love with the same person repeatedly. Not until today, at least.
Heeseung clings to Jongseong, and he does not want to let go.
"I am sorry, Jongseong." I love you so much.
Pulling away, Jongseong looks at him. His eyes are happier now, brighter, full of life.
"I am sorry too, hyung." I love you too much.
As Jongseong takes Heeseung's hand and pulls him to the bed, Heeseung succumbs his entire existence to the younger, knowing that he is in good hands. When Jongseong hugs him and kisses his forehead, cheeks, lips, Heeseung feels like a flower blooming under the winter sun. Amid the cold, Heeseung continues to grow. Because he knows, Jongseong is there, waiting for him on the other end. Jongseong will continue to make him live.
And when Jongseong hugs him close and sings him a lullaby, Heeseung loses himself completely. In Jongseong's embrace, he is safe from his negative thoughts, monstrous voices in his head, endless workloads and peer pressure. In Jongseong's hold, Heeseung can finally sleep in peace.