Chapter Text
Being a dark and stormy night, the graveyard shift was nonetheless alive as ever.
Underneath the roof of the burger joint establishment, a clamor of thunder reverberated throughout the kitchen, with pans and various cooking instruments finding their way onto the floor. The grill began charbroiling the few burger patties currently atop its grates past the point of being well done and the faucet to the sanitizing sink was left running, while the team member in charge of it was seemingly in a race with it. Another wave of thunder rumbled throughout the kitchen, but not of natural causes, like the first.
“RAHHH! Hey! What’s the hold up back there?! I placed my order 10 minutes ago and I’ve been standing here for 20! I demand to see the manager! NOW!” A disgruntled customer bellowed from the front counter. His receipt could be heard crumpling into the counter as he pounded the countertop with a closed fist, accentuating each sentence he spoke.
Ginger-haired and with a smile lazily plastered to her a face, a young woman finally appears from around the corner, alongside a lanky young man who appeared quite caffeinated despite it being so late into the night.
“Exceptionally sorry for the wait sir, how can I help you sir?” The female employee caked her greeting with a cheerful ‘I-hate-it-here’ customer service tone. Her co-worker, however, a little less subtle with his emotions, prodded at the faded scar that cupped his left eye before saying anything, as the appearance of the customer gave him pause,
“Ronald McDonald! But I thought this was Burger King?”
“KID I’LL FUCK YOU UP! STOP PLAYING WITH ME AND GET ME MY FOOD!!” The irate customer balled the employee’s shirt into his fists as he yelled his threat directly into face, causing his nametag to flop atop his hands with every tug of his shirt. All letters capitalized, it read ‘LUFFY’.
“In case you didn’t know, sir, this is Burger King, I believe you’re looking for McDonald’s – it’s across the street and down the way.” The close-quarter conversation resulted in the customer’s nose being pinched out of Luffy’s curiosity, which let out squeak like that of a rubber ducky.
“Nami! It does squeak! Looks like I won that bet!” Luffy grinned while Nami rolled her eyes and walked back into kitchen, paying no mind to her coworker or the customer nor the altercation that ensued.
Gingerly, she made sure to secure all of the previous money she made on tonight’s bets with her coworkers into her chest, while at the same time adjusting her bra to make sure that they pleasantly displayed as she approached the cook. Instead of the typical attention from the cook’s eyes heaving onto her chest, Nami heaved a deep sigh instead.
Food was all over the place as the cook and another team member were wrestling all over the kitchen – knocking equipment ajar and producing thunderous rumble as a result. Nami pulled the two apart, shoving the brawnier of the two to one corner and the cook in the other.
“Okay you two!” She shot them both a severe glare as they began to cool down from the scrap. They hung their heads with embarrassment as they prepared themselves for a Nami lecture.
“Out Usopp!”
The mobile shelving unit holding the napkin dispenser and extra cup lids peeled away from the wall to reveal shaken man with an abnormally long nose. “Did you hear that thunder!? I thought I was going to die! ‘Standing at a metal sink and all this water – I am justified!” Usopp rambled defensively under Nami’s harsh glare.
“Luffy won that bet. Everyone pay up.” Nami curtly stated, whipping out her hand to accept the due cash.
“Everyone includes you, too!” the brawny man exclaimed, annoyed that Nami was yet again trying to dodge her lot in the bet but somewhat relieved that he didn’t get an earful from the fight.
“Tuh, just say you’re broke if you’re broke, moss balls. No need to yell at the lady! You shouldn’t even be placin’ any bets to begin with!”
“That mouth of yours is what got your ass kicked just a moment ago! Or maybe you like the feeling of a boot up your ass, huh Sanji??”
Usopp exchanged glances with Nami as the other two began to bicker again but soon turned their attention to the bickering pair upfront when a flying shoe went sailing past into the bowels of the kitchen.
“CHOP CHOP- WHAT THE HELL!? GET OFF OF ME! WHERE’S YOUR MANAGER??! YOU IDIOTS IN THE BACK – DO SOMETHING!!”
Everyone in the back did nothing.
The door beside the kitchen entrance, however, flung open to reveal a frazzled assistant manager whom no one has seen for most of the night.
“H-how can I help you sir? I apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced!”
“Experienced?! I’M STILL EXPERIENCING IT NOW!” the customer wriggled underneath the heaps of arms that wrapped around his body all while trying to balance on one leg.
Luffy caught the stern look of the assistant manager and let go of the beyond frustrated customer. His arms retracted into a fold as he crossed them in front his chest. “He started it..”
“Allow me to assist you instead – Luffy, I believe the trash needs to be taken out.” The assistant manager politely but firmly replaced Luffy at the register. She pulled her boxy, red glasses atop her head; moving aside the black hair that framed her face.
“Shouldn’t Zoro do that? Being his job and all-“
“THANK YOU LUFFY FOR TAKING THE TRASH WITHOUT ANY BACK TALK.”
“Tashigi, you can be kind of lame sometimes.” Luffy muttered as he went to retrieve any garbage that may have built up, starting in the kitchen. Before he left, he made sure to stick his tongue out one last time to antagonize the customer.
He growled as he shook his fist, letting Luffy know that it wasn’t over yet. “Just you wait, you little punk!”
“I’m so sorry for the wait, your food should be right out any moment. Just let me check on the-“
“’Nuff apologies! Just give me my damn food already!! Corporate will be hearing from me either way, so let’s not try to sugar coat any of what just happened with your pathetic gestures!”
“Geez, what bee got under his bonnet?” Sanji mumbled aloud as the crew watched the cantankerous customer continue his tirade.
“You mean to say, ‘what bee got hold of his nose to make it so fucking ginormous,’” Usopp corrected Sanji as they all decided a roast session was in order for the customer.
“Our boy Rudolph can pull the sleigh tonight,”
“Usopp, you lose one of your slingshot balls? I think it landed on his face.”
“Didn’t Target say to stay on the lookout for the guy who stole their red balls? Someone call’em up! Looks like we got’em!”
Without any regard to the customer being in clear earshot hearing, the night crew erupted in laughter.
“ARE YOU DIPSHITS NOT AWARE THAT I CAN HEAR YOU!!?” the customer screamed, his face almost turning as red as his nose.
Nami decided to be the peacemaker and tried to settle everyone down, giving a pretentious smile to further wedge under the customer’s skin.
Tashigi sighed and withdrew back to office.’ Smoker will not be happy about this..’
Ignoring the fuming man behind the counter, the team got back to work and on task.
No one said much of anything, but the air was thick with a humorous tension. The crew would occasionally exchange glances and stifle a giggle when they noticed the customer’s eyes on them. Sanji manned the burger portion of the meal while Zoro assembled the fries and drink. Once everything was bagged and placed on the tray, Nami carried the tray to the front counter and eyed the customer’s receipt.
“You order #94?” Her question was met with a sneer.
“Order up!” She replied with a plastic smile after handing the tray off and soon joined the others in the kitchen.
Undeterred by the mutual hate the two parties shared with one another, the customer decided he wanted to sit down to eat, not allowing the chairs atop the table to deter him. As a couple of chairs ricocheted onto the floor from the tumble, the spiteful customer situated himself at one of the tables in front of the zig-zagging dividers which directed foot traffic. Making sure to face the kitchen, he locked eyes with Sanji - chewing his food painfully slow to make sure any imperfection to gripe about could be detected.
Right after a few minutes had passed, everyone except Sanji shifted around since the staring contest between the two became uncomfortable; the loud chewing and lip-smacking notwithstanding. After another minute or two, something caused the atmosphere to change. The customer’s eyes narrowed considerably while Sanji’s did the opposite.
Buns touched the tray as the customer’s jaws seemed to abruptly lock in place. With purpose, he began to deconstruct the burger until the beef patty was by itself with the toppings bunched beside it. The customer never broke his steely gaze with Sanji, and began to sharpen it before he spoke.
“Under cooked.”
Reticence settled heavily into the atmosphere.
“Go make me another burger or go get the manager. Now.”
Even though everyone had their fill poking fun at this guy, everyone was already on their last leg at this job. Tashigi was nice enough, but the boss-boss was not, and he warned of immediate termination for the most minor infraction. Sanji may not have taken much of anything else seriously, but cooking was no joke.
“Raw.” The customer could see that his commentary was getting to Sanji and continued to badger him.
‘Kill him, I’m gonna kill this guy,’ Sanji muttered under his breath. He turned around and redirected his attention to the grill in order to fire up another patty.
“In case you didn’t know, you actually have to know what you’re doing in order to do it right.” The customer pressed on.
“Not only is it raw, but you didn’t add sprinkles. I specifically asked for sprinkles and I see not one.”
Gruffly moving forward only to be held back by Zoro, Sanji was ready for a fight.
“BK, have it my way.” The customer cackled. Sanji ripped out of Zoro’s grip and paced in front of the grill briefly before a dark expression cloaked his face alongside a smirk.
“Unless you want a lawsuit for false advertising, I suggest you make me a new burger. And do it right this time!” The customer swiped the tray off the table, sending it flying into a window with toppings scrambling everywhere. He propped his legs onto the table, crossing them, not realizing that his lower leg was still detached and somewhere in the kitchen despite having to hobble over to the table to begin with.
Reading Sanji’s quietness as a defeat, the customer became quite smug as he awaited his next burger, but his coworkers knew better.
“Grilling a new burger..?” Usopp whispered cautiously as he knew Sanji was up to something.
“Exactly, its what the customer wants.”
Reclining back in his chair with his eyes closed, the customer paid no mind as to what was going on in the kitchen and awaited his food.
“It’s as they say in the south,” Sanji began with a widened smirk. “Ya gotta put your foot in it.”
“Sanji NO!” Usopp panicked and snatched the spatula away from Sanji as he was mid-flip on the burger patty. As the patty came down from its twirling ascent, it clipped the grill and landed on the floor, cooked side down.
Sanji looked on in disbelief as his burger patty was now on the floor. “The fuck was that for??”
“Out of all the scummiest customers we get, this guy tops the list, but I couldn’t allow you to serve food like that! No way, that’s not the Sanji I know!” Usopp protested with disappointment.
Moaning, Sanji stretched his face down as his hand ran from the top of his forehead down to his chin. “Usopp..it’s a southern saying. It means the food is going taste great, not me literally putting my foot into the food.”
“Errhm. I-I knew that..”
Over to the freezer Sanji went to fetch a suitable patty. While he stepped away, Usopp took the spatula and scraped the sullied patty from the floor – tossing it in the direction of a trashcan. Hearing a sizzle, Usopp assumed it was the hot grease reacting with the plastic lining of trashcan and didn’t pay any attention to the trajectory as he was already turned around, leaving the kitchen. However, the sizzle was actually the patty landing in the deep fryer, engulfing the patty in grease that needed to be urgently changed.
Night shift was dying down and everyone was looking forward to clocking out soon. Once the troublesome customer was dealt with, they could all go home. Preparations for clean up was underway.
Even though everyone was pretty much waiting on Sanji with this burger, no one noticed what appeared to be chunk of coal bobbing in the center of frying baskets until Zoro walked by his station.
“Shit...” Zoro mumbled under his breath since he had just placed his serving utensils into the proper places after cleaning. The oil needed to be trashed and the fry baskets needed to be cleaned anyways, so he scooped up the patty chunk with the fry basket and dunked them both into the cleaning solution Usopp had in the sink.
Figuring his job was done, Zoro walked off to find the bathroom – which, 7 times out of 10 - resulted in him finding the wrong bathroom or ending up in a completely different franchise. Luffy was on his way back from gathering the trash from the bathrooms and had two hefty black trash bags in tow. For whatever reason, there was a lot of trash tonight, causing Luffy to somewhat drag the bags along the floor and nicking a hole in one.
“Of course, just my luck!” Luffy whined as liquid started seeping out of the hole. There was no telling what kind of substance it was, coming out of a public bathroom and all, so Luffy scanned the premises for a towel to throw down; that way, someone else could pick it up and it wouldn’t be his icky problem to deal with.
Over by the sink was a towel that Usopp used to dry some of the cooking equipment. Luffy made his way to the sink and noticed something bobbing in the water.
Taking note of the submerged frying basket, Luffy assumed that it was a brillo pad - albeit a very dirty, healthcode-violating filthy and should anyone ever come into contact with it, moreover consume it, their death is guaranteed. So, no real harm could be brought if he borrowed it for a moment.
Fishing out the dubious brillo pad, Luffy tossed it onto the spill only for it to bound across the floor in an unnatural way for a brillo pad to behave. Luffy scratched his head in confusion but shrugged it off – the charcoal ‘pad’ rolled to a stop close enough to the spill, so whoever will clean up the spill will get the idea.
“Usopp must have been working on a new something-something. Oh well.” Luffy collected his trash to find his way to the dumpster, leaving a slight trail of liquid behind him.
Not long after Luffy’s departure, Nami returns to the kitchen; disappointed that Sanji isn’t back from the freezer yet to finish the burger and annoyed that everyone’s station is still a mess, dragging the shift out even further. Knowing that the kitchen isn’t going to clean itself, Nami decides to go to the bathroom and wait until the others get it done.
Grumbling to himself, Sanji slammed the freezer doors shut. The freezer had not one patty in it, making the one, chemical-doused charcoal puck of a patty the only one left. Although Sanji doesn’t know the current state of the burger patty, he was still above giving a customer food that was not fit to eat. He couldn’t allow himself to serve unclean food to a customer, no matter how big of an asshole they may be. He was not looking forward to that conversation, but what could be done? Rounding the corner, Sanji was spared of that concern.
“Uhwhoaa-!”
Slam!
Breaking the fall with his entire backside, Sanji slipped on the liquid trail left behind by Luffy’s trash, losing conscious on impact. On the way down, some of the hanging utensils were smacked off of their hanging hooks and landed beside the sprawled-out body on the floor – some tongs on one side and a spatula by his hand, which happened to rest right beside the inedible patty.
Usopp came around the corner to investigate the commotion, but not without being accosted by an impatient roar from the front.
“THE HELL IS TAKING SO LONG!? IF I DON’T GET MY FOOD IN 30 SECONDS, YOU ALL ARE GOING UNDER!! QUIT MESSING AROUND!!”
“Alright alright, it’s almost ready! We just gotta plate it!” Usopp began to panic at the sight of an outcold Sanji but put 2 and 2 together as he assessed the scene; Sanji + spatula + charcoal puck + angry screaming clown = food ready. Or at least that’s how Usopp did addition.
Sanji was definitely about done, right? I-is this the burger? Where’s the buns and lettuce? And the d-damn sprinkles! Gotta get the sprinkles!
In a hurried frenzy, Usopp picked up the carbonized meat puck and carried it to the prep station. Opening and closing the compartments of the tomatoes, onions, lettuce, and cheese, Usopp slapped together the burger, only to frantically look for where the sprinkles may be located. Not being his area of expertise, he searched every compartment, leaving the lettuce shelf open and knocking most of the condiments out of place.
The burger was obviously a little off – the contrast of the black against the fresh vibrancy of the fillings was a bit alarming – so the taste really had to be on point. Paying no mind to the labeling, Usopp hastily glanced over the seasonings until he saw what looked to be sprinkles – some red and orange looking flakes in a canister. Wasting no time, he dumped the canister of flakes onto both sides of buns, and even squirted some orangish ketchup all over to help make it stick.
Taking no notice of what he actually put onto the burger to be cayenne flakes and sriracha sauce, Usopp assembled the burger and plopped it onto a nearby tray and bussed it to the front counter for the customer to pick up.
“Um, your o-order, sir!” Usopp stammered before retreating to the kitchen. At that time, Luffy entered from the back after taking the trash to the dumpster. He notices Usopp hiding behind the prep station and joins him to see what was so scary.
“Ronald is still here??” Luffy loudly whispered.
Nami makes another appearance, ready to scold the others if the kitchen hadn’t been cleaned. Right as she notices Luffy and Usopp hiding behind the food station, her gaze is immediately torn to a limp body laying beside them just mere feet away.
“Sanji! Are you okay?!” Nami holds Sanji in here arms as she checks for any injuries. “What are you idiots doing?! What’s going on-”
“Ooooh, I had a feeling I was going to heaven~! This angel beside me is all the proof I need; Nami darling, you’ve come to visit me-”
“Ugh, figures.” Nami abruptly drops Sanji back onto the floor and joins the other two in a crouch behind the food station.
“Tough love but love nonetheless.” Sanji hummed while massaging away the pain from his fall. As he joined the other three, he got into position on one knee, he felt something prod into his leg.
“The hell? What is this?” Before anyone could examine what Sanji picked up from underneath the station, another uproar erupted from the front
“HOOOOOOT!!! GUUUWAAAAAHHHHHHOTHOTHOT!!” The customer could be seen fanning his mouth and slapping at his cheeks in immense displeasure. “I’M GOING TO DIE, HELP! HELP!!”
At an alarming speed, the customer jumped the front counter in search of relief from the scorching inferno razing his mouth. Falling all over the food counters and stumbling over the equipment, the distressed customer made a mess in his destructive. The screams of the employees filled the room whenever he drew close.
“TASHIGI!! HELP!!”
“MOMMYYYYY!!!”
“IT WAS HIS FAULT! CHASE HIM!!”
“GET AWAY FROM ME!!”
“HOOOOT HOT HOTHOT!! HELP!!”
The distressed customer toppled a prep bench and tumbled – thanks to not having but one leg to support himself – finding himself before the wash sink. Just as he was about to relish dirty sink water, the backdoor swings open – slamming hard into the customer and inexplicably, causing him to explode into sizeable chunks all throughout the kitchen.
“Before you all get mad – the bathroom was across town, so it took me awhile to find- WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!
Everyone looked in awe as Zoro entered the kitchen, seemingly killing the customer upon opening the door.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! YOU JUST KILLED THE CUSTOMER!!”
“HOW!? I JUST OPENED THE DOOR AND THE MAN WAS ALREADY IN PIECES!!
“AFTER YOU SLAMMED IT ON HIM!”
The crew exchanged accusations, but time was of the essence now.
“Y-you guys, what do we do?! We can’t just leave the place like this, it’s a mess-”
“Oww… what’s going on...?” A disembodied voice interrupted a rattled Usopp, causing everyone to scream.
“UWAHHH! THE HEAD IS TALKING!! QUICK! DO SOMETHING!” Usopp spotted the severed head and covered it with a pot. As soon as he did, however, the other body parts that were strewn across the kitchen began to levitate.
“GET THIS POT OFF OF MY HEAD,YOU DIPSHIT!” The head growled from beneath the pot. The crew gaped in awe; as some of the body parts started to reassemble. they weren’t sure what all was happening, but they knew it shouldn’t be and now that it was up to them, it wouldn’t.
Everyone took a cooking instrument of some kind and beat the body parts mercilessly. The head under the pot began howling in pain as his body was being pounded with sheet pans and tongs. Realizing that it wasn’t doing but so much, Luffy popped the brilliant idea of gathering all of the body parts into a garbage bag and throwing it into the freezer; that would make them stop wobbling around so much and if he’s still in the freezer, he would already be in the store tomorrow for his free burger. Not really caring how much sense it didn’t make, everyone followed suit so they could get out of the restaurant – hopefully forgetting this night even happened. The crew collected the parts, and Usopp – being in such a frenzy – noticed a pair of feet that did not levitate like the rest of the body parts. To speed up the process, he collected the pair of feet and tossed them into the open lettuce keeper at the food station. Once most of the body parts were bagged and in the freezer, the kitchen was picked up expeditiously – from mess to Tashigi-will-be-most-impressed.
Tashigi had a long night. It’s never easy working with the night crew - especially when you throw Luffy into the mix - but there was only so much she can do when making the schedule and hoping someone shows up for their shift. Speaking of which, after filing the last of the write-ups needing approval by Smoker, she took a glance at the clock. Reading 11:47pm was all the incentive she needed to wrap things up in the office and head out. Stepping foot into the lobby, nothing looked out of place, or rather, everything was...in its place. Huh. Giving the lobby, then the kitchen, a final scan Tashigi locked the door and made her way home.