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The world felt like it was crumbling into tiny, minuscule pieces.
Well, it wasn’t, but it sure felt like it for Ichimatsu.
His chest felt so heavy, but in an empty, void kind of way. Everything hurt. His head was fuzzy, like cotton was all his mind had been disintegrated into.
It was a very bad day.
It surely didn’t help that looking out the window only showed cloudy skies that drizzled light rain at 4 in the afternoon. What a lousy day. What a shit day.
Ichimatsu tightened into himself in the lounge room corner, slightly hoping that in some way that’d alleviate the burdening weight on his chest. He wishes he hadn’t woken up today.
Gross, interrupting thoughts swirled mercilessly inside his head, only making his heart feel heavier.
Why are you alive again today?
You’re worthless trash.
Your existence is only a burden on yourself and others.
Exhausting. It was all so exhausting. It wasn’t fair.
He had no motivation or energy to move or get out of his spot to leave the room or house. Too much effort. He could only stay positioned in his self-loathing ball on the floor, wishing desperately that the ceiling would just collapse right on top of him and snap his neck.
The bandages on his wrists felt tight and itchy, a reminder of his earlier breakdown late last night before going to sleep. The reminder makes him want to rip those white bandages off and watch his pale, porcelain skin run red again. For all he knew, it could help him feel a little better again. But that was also too much effort, so he remained intact for now.
Ichimatsu hated feeling this way, hated how he was stuck here, hated how all he could manage to do in this moment was to rot under all these thoughts and feelings and not be able to do anything about it except breath and sit. How utterly pathetic of him.
He couldn’t even express how he felt, through words or emotions. He really couldn’t be bothered to talk right now. Any effort to try would result in empty, blunt words or just nothing at all. He couldn’t cry, couldn’t shout, couldn’t throw or hit anything. He felt mind crushingly numb. Oh, how badly Ichimatsu wants to cease to exist and disappear forever.
This was plain torture.
His brothers had noticed his sour(?) mood today, choosing to ignore him when planning or talking about things as to avoid any chance of argument or hurt feelings. The only people who remained in the stuffy house were Todomatsu, who very consciously and apparently avoided Ichimatsu, Karamatsu, who god forbid talked to Ichimatsu unless he had a death wish, and Jyushimatsu, who wasn’t in the lounge room with the rest of them.
Speak of the devil. Jyushimatsu slides open the lounge room door, entering the room with his sweet, overly expressive, open-mouthed grin. Whatever he had been up to before was a mystery.
He’d instantly spotted the dark-auraed fourth brother and hopped over to him. “Hey, hey, Ichimatsu nii-san! Wanna play baseball?” He enthusiastically asked, bopping up and down as he looked at the one in question.
Ichimatsu slowly shook his head no, moving his head aside to glance at the wall he leant up against. Jyushimatsu picked up on the mood. “That’s okay! Wanna look for cats?” He tried again.
Another no. Jyushimatsu’s smile shrank a bit. He crouched down in front of Ichimatsu, tilting his head to the side to try and see Ichimatsu’s expression.
“Are you alright, nii-san?” he asked, a lot calmer and softer.
Those words. That damn, stupid question must’ve been the key to the floodgates because Ichimatsu found himself holding back tears almost instinctively.
“Leave me alone.” He forced out, his voice sounding strained.
Again, Jyushimatsu caught on. He got back up on his feet, eyes staying locked onto the purple matsu, before he left the lounge room again.
Ah, he sees how it is...
Ichimatsu felt the stares of Karamatsu and Todomatsu on him. They probably thought he was the worst, driving away their most precious, upbeat brother. He didn’t dare look back at them.
He felt even worse than before, sinking even further downwards into a hole. Great, just great.
I am such a useless piece of shit . Repeated over and over in his mess of a head.
Ichimatsu buried his head between his knees, fighting to urge to slam his head over and over on his knees or the wall or something. This is all agony. He started to shake, feeling the unshed tears slowly return.
Not even ten minutes had passed before Jyushimatsu ran back into the room, a random stray kitten in his arms. Somehow, in that small time he was away, he’d become quite messy and dirty. Where did he even go?
Jyushimatsu stood above Ichimatsu again, holding the cat out to him. It was a small black kitten. He didn’t say anything, just smiled as he held the cat outstretched to the one on the floor.
Ichimatsu blinked up in slight surprise at the sudden gesture from his direct younger brother. Getting out of his ball position, he crossed his legs, letting Jyushimatsu place the cat on his lap. The kitten sniffed Ichimatsu’s lap, gazing its big green eyes up at him. He scratched the kitten on top of its head and it leaned into the action, a few crackles emanating from the kitten as it started to purr.
Jyushimatsu sat on the floor in front of Ichimatsu, watching the interaction. Ichimatsu continued to pat the kitten as it settled down in his lap, purring loudly and using its claws to knead at his pants. Without realising it, there was a natural genuine smile on his face as he enjoyed the kitten's company. The weight on his chest had lifted quite a bit.
The kitten plopped down into a lying position, rubbing its head all over Ichimatsu’s legs and hands, begging for more attention.
Spending time with the kitten had distracted Ichimatsu from his previous depressing thoughts, no longer waiting for the ceiling to collapse and break his neck as he had wished. All his attention and focus had shifted onto the purring bundle of soft fur. His mind was quiet; it was a foreign, welcome feeling.
Jyushimatsu watched in glee. Mission success!
After some time, the kitten had curled into a ball and fallen asleep in the crevice of Ichimatsu’s crossed legs. Ichimatsu averted his gaze from the kitten to Jyushimatsu, instantly looking away when his eye contact was reciprocated.
“Th... thank you...”