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It was a gradual decline. Most people didn’t enter into a relationship thinking about when it would end. Most people also didn’t realize what their limits were when it came to tolerating the minor inconveniences that came with every relationship. Everyone was imperfect, and being with someone romantically usually meant that everything about one's partner was magnified. All the good parts were even better and all the bad parts -- the quirks that one could ignore in strangers, acquaintances, and friends by simply closing the door and walking away -- were even worse.
Sometimes, the discontent and disappointment from a partner's tiny failures passed and was forgotten, and sometimes, it settled into the depths of memory until something brought it all back to the surface.
And when the inevitable straw came that would break the camel’s back, it didn’t necessarily have to make a sound or a scene. Movies and modern media usually made a big production of things -- showed people that there was that one thing that could've been done to save the entire relationship -- but real life wasn't that simple.
More often than not, it wasn't one single thing that led to a break up. For a lot of people just living their lives without any extraordinary circumstances, break ups started as just a thought. Harmless at first. Quiet. A whisper to oneself that may have already happened several times before, but each time it came back, it became harder and harder to push away.
I can’t do this anymore.
Five years.
Astel had noticed a pattern a long time ago that odd numbers were the rockiest parts of a relationship -- the first month, the third month, the first year, the third year, and so on -- and so he was already trying his best to avoid focusing on the negatives of his relationship with Temma when he realized that the anniversary of their fifth year together was fast approaching.
Five years was a long time to be with anyone -- this was his longest so far, which was surprising to everyone including Astel himself -- and he wanted to be positive about it, but that was a tall order when there was nothing positive happening.
No, he was being overly dramatic all over again. People used to tease him about it -- Temma especially -- that he was moved to tears and crippling insecurity over the smallest things, that he was prone to overthinking and was too much of a perfectionist to be satisfied with anything he got, relationships included.
So he’d tried hard to curb that tendency when they’d finally gotten together after two years of awkwardly dancing around the topic because no one wanted to make the first move with all sincerity. Of course their relationship was a net positive. They weren’t actively trying to antagonize each other. There were no loud arguments or serious fights that led to one of them storming out or calling each other names. They had no intent to hurt or actually do damage when they did tease each other.
It was just Astel’s stupid sensitivity that made him yearn for more over time. That made him see how Temma had slowly stopped being doting and clingy when it came to him, the eventual comfort settling in the longer they were together. Temma was still very much a hugger around the others -- he didn't see them nearly as much to get used to it -- but when it came to Astel, the blond had seemed to relax on that avenue completely.
They’d started out with a game of cat and mouse -- two people who wanted each other but didn’t want to be the first to admit it -- and it had been a power struggle in everything including their bedroom activities. It had been fun. Lively. It'd kept Astel on his toes and happy, and the blue-haired man's victory when Temma had finally admitted that he’d wanted to be spoiled and treasured like a princess had been extra sweet. Astel had thrown himself into things with extra vigor back then, determined to be the perfect kind of boyfriend that Temma wouldn’t be able to complain about. He’d cook, he’d clean, he’d buy Temma presents and spoil him rotten. He loved taking care of people and Temma loved being treasured, so they were, in the end, a suitable match.
And then the perfection Astel had worked so hard on maintaining turned into something that Temma seemed to have gotten used to. It was no longer special or worthy of praise if it happened every day, and the compliments stopped as well as the outright gratefulness. Astel didn't know how much he'd thrived on hearing Temma say 'thank you' or even just seeing the blond smile at him like he'd moved the world when all he'd done was pick out clothes for his boyfriend or put in some effort to learn a new dish for Temma to try. He didn't realize how much he'd loved those moments until they were gone, and having lost them tempered his enthusiasm to keep trying so hard.
So, Astel stopped a few things.
It wasn’t like Temma noticed anyway. Astel's boyfriend could easily pick up a game and get obsessed with it, playing from the moment he woke-up until he decided to sleep, just the essentials of staying alive snuck in between during breaks. The blond had also grown more confident in collaborating with others the longer they were together, so he never ran out of people to stream with if he wanted to. He was focused on so many different things that he didn't have the time -- or possibly, the inclination -- to pay attention to the tiny details of their relationship as long as the bulk of it was still intact.
Astel used to ask Temma to accompany him to buy groceries -- a weekly thing, a substitute for dates that they couldn’t sustain and seemed like a waste of money (Temma's chief complaint against them) now that they were in the same house anyway -- but one day he decided he wasn’t going to bother his boyfriend with it since Temma seemed busy with a game anyway.
And when he came back loaded with bags, Temma didn’t ask where he’d gone -- the blond probably didn’t realize he’d left, since the streaming room was far from the front door and the kitchen -- so Astel just continued on in that manner since then.
It wasn’t so bad at first. It didn’t bother him. After all, Astel himself had busy periods wherein Temma offered to cook sometimes -- nevermind that the blond usually ended up buying them convenience store food instead because he’d often wait until he was too hungry to go through the whole food preparation process -- and it just felt like a normal back and forth between couples.
Give and take from both sides. Normal. Part of being in a relationship and even a sign that their lives were entwining so much that they relied on each other for basic needs. Anyway, their sex life was still as active as always, and so there was that constant assurance that no matter how busy they both got living their own lives, they both ended their days together in bed, destressing together and relaxing as they talked about their days (post-coital conversations were refreshingly honest and made them even closer, and the emotions shared in bed seemed doubly intense than what they were comfortable sharing in public).
But then one day that stopped too.
Astel would tell anyone who asked that he didn’t remember exactly when they'd stopped fucking -- the lack of a sex life was a joke that his married friends liked to throw around, and so he had references on how to word his own version of events into something more palatable -- but he did. Down to the very words Temma had used even ("You go ahead, love, I'll follow" only for the blond to do anything but that, Astel waking up to see Temma playing a different game altogether in order to practice for an upcoming collab). He just didn’t want people to think that Temma was a villain or that the beginning of the end of their relationship was the blond’s fault for choosing an endurance game clear with Yurustars over going to bed with Astel.
("I don't know," Astel would tell his friends, wishing he really didn't because maybe that would make things hurt less. "I guess we both just got too busy.")
And once their routine had been broken in that way, Temma had a hard time fixing his sleep schedule enough to return to it. Astel decided all bets were off two weeks afterwards, part of his decision stemming from irritation and part of it from genuine sadness. It still wasn't a relationship deal-breaker, however, because he could stem the fleeting discontent by being contrary. Temma was sleeping at opposite times than he was anyway, so Astel figured he should just follow the man's lead and do the same. When before he’d carefully keep parts of his day open so he could join Temma in bed whenever the blond actually deigned to get in there and rest, Astel started scheduling his own activities for when Temma was asleep.
He didn’t want to come off as desperate, after all. He sometimes felt like he was chasing Temma like some overly attached lover -- when before, it had been the blond who’d confessed to him and had pestered him to even start this -- and Astel hated feeling so pathetic that he had to beg for crumbs of his own boyfriend’s attention.
If Temma didn’t want to initiate, then Astel wouldn’t as well. Simple. No hard feelings.
Anyway, it was just opposite schedules, and it would probably fix itself over time. Such a minor thing wasn’t enough for Astel to call it quits. He did love Temma still, and they still had some sweet moments together -- negative moments simply stood out more, because pain was harder to forget than pleasure -- so he was sure that Temma felt the same for him too. It was just an odd number anniversary approaching all over again and doubts were normal at those times.
So he was trying to stay positive. Trying to be thankful for the little things that were still wonderful between them like Temma still eating a few meals with him every week, and the fact that their schedules seemed to be aligning somewhat lately that sometimes Astel would wake up with Temma’s arms around him in bed, the blond having crawled in at some point to snuggle into him. They even had a duet planned together -- an original song that they were both working hard on, trying to get the vibe just right -- for release later on in the year.
It was fine. Everything was going well and felt like it was on track to getting even better. And Astel was planning a little trip to Disney for them on their anniversary, making a map in his mind and putting aside a budget -- out of his own money, because he knew his tastes were more extravagant than Temma's when it came to things like this -- for everything he planned to do and buy. Maybe they could even stay overnight for once, an escape from cooking and cleaning for a day and an evening, truly a perfect vacation to celebrate a special occasion.
But then a week before their anniversary, Temma was saying something about an overnight with Miyabi for a cooking stream -- or was it a camping stream? Astel wasn’t sure anymore because the conversation itself was too painful for him to recall properly -- planned for the date itself and was asking Astel if the blue-haired man was doing anything on that day and wanted to come too.
It wasn’t the first time Temma had done off-collabs or overnights with others, and it certainly wasn’t the first time he’d tried to involve Astel in them.
Hell, it wasn't even the first time Temma had scheduled something on a special occasion (he'd once scheduled a stream on Astel's birthday and didn't even greet Astel until hours later, but that was okay because Astel himself was bad with remembering birthdays unless there were tons of post-its and alarms to remind him).
But it was the first time Astel was finding himself thinking and believing that Temma really didn’t care enough about their relationship to remember anything, did he? Astel was the only one who overthought things between them. Astel was the hopeless romantic who believed in celebrating anniversaries, who still wanted to go on dates despite it costing money, who wanted even more of Temma’s attention when the man had already given him an entire life together.
He comes home to you alone, Astel tried to tell himself, hating himself for wanting more, more, more when he’d already been given so much. He’d been given 5 years -- the longest relationship he’d ever made work, so they were clearly doing something right together -- and Temma had never physically hurt him or even verbally hurt him with intentional malice. He tells you he loves you. He kisses you. It should be enough.
It wasn’t enough. Astel wanted the first few years of their relationship to come back or even how they were just a few months before now, when they were still aligned in their scheduling. He longed for the way they’d tumble into bed together after a long day, the way Temma would look at him like he was the center of the blond’s world, the way Temma would put him first -- think about him first -- before agreeing to things like collabs that would require spending time away from home.
There was a time when Temma would ask for Astel's permission and not his forgiveness, but that felt so long ago now.
“I’ve got plans on that day, sorry,” Astel said in response to Temma’s question, and left it at that. Whatever Temma said in reply, Astel didn’t really hear it over the prevailing thought in his mind at that moment.
I can’t do this anymore.
The meal was simple, and ever since their first month together, Astel had already perfected how to make ramen in just the way Temma liked it. There were even side-dishes and dessert, all of it delicious and homemade. Temma was thinking to himself as he ate that Astel really was an ideal partner. Perfect wife and husband material (when people joked 'get yourself someone who can do both,' Temma could proudly say that he already had and was enjoying every moment of it). He was really lucky that Astel had chosen to be with him when the other man could’ve had literally anyone else he'd wanted.
“Where are you off to tomorrow?” Temma asked, overflowing with love and appreciation for his partner at that moment and finding that he was already missing Astel terribly even though they hadn’t parted yet.
It was probably because their last meal together had been days ago and their next one after this -- if their schedules aligned -- would be after an entire day of no physical contact. Temma wasn't fond of going out of the house and he didn’t really like being separated from his boyfriend in this manner, but work was work, and it wasn’t like he didn’t enjoy spending time with his other friends. But all those moments, those off-collabs and hangouts with the others would be even better if Astel was nearby, and that was why Temma constantly tried to ask his boyfriend to come with him even if Astel usually said ‘no’ to the invitation.
For Temma, Astel was an irreplaceable fixture in his life now, and he took comfort in the idea that no matter what happened, he would always have a home in his boyfriend’s arms. It gave him the confidence to indulge more in his hobbies, to play riskier games onstream that would show how much he sucked to his audience, and to collaborate more with others -- leading to him being busy more often than not -- because he knew for sure that even if he failed, there would be someone there to catch him.
Someone who loved him and took care of him and was perfect in every way. Thinking of this while staring at Astel's cute face across from him -- even Astel's chewing on his food was attractive, damn it -- made Temma suddenly want to pull Astel into bed right now. It’d been a while between them, but he’d always had the urge -- it was hard not to, because Astel could be sexy without even trying, making little noises as he moved around the house and complained about the weather -- just never the proper timing to act on it due to their discordant schedules. But now that they were aligned, he could probably ask his lover to do him roughly tonight just so Temma could carry the memory into tomorrow and not miss his boyfriend too much at the collab.
“Disney,” Astel said, and he was looking down at his bowl and seemingly pushing around noodles with his chopsticks. “They had an overnight package I bought in advance.”
“Oh,” Temma replied, suddenly unsure how to feel about that statement because Astel sounded subdued as he spoke. It was weird, because talking about Disney usually had Temma’s boyfriend all excited -- especially something grand like this, if it merited an overnight -- and somehow, an uneasy feeling was beginning to settle in Temma’s gut. “Is there a special occasion? You don’t usually overnight. Uh, is it... Donald’s birthday again? Duffy? Gelatoni?”
“No, nothing special, I guess,” Astel said, and then he was letting out a long sigh as he looked up at Temma and frowned. “It’s our 5-year anniversary tomorrow.”
“Wha-- shit,” Temma cursed, and his hands were shaking a little as he made a grab for his phone placed facedown on the side of the table. Fuck, fuck, fuck. How could he have forgotten? Just last month, he’d lost several days of sleep as he'd searched for gifts online. He should’ve put a reminder on his phone. When was his present even scheduled to arrive? “I’ll cancel the collab. I’ll--”
“It’s ok,” Astel said, though one look at his face and it was clear that it wasn’t okay. Not even a little bit. The uneasy feeling in Temma’s gut had morphed into full-blown panic. Temma’s heart was already twisting in his chest, and even before Astel said the words, Temma already somehow knew --
“I think we should break up anyway,” Astel said, looking back down at his bowl and then sighing again. “Sorry.”
There was a long silence that followed, because heartbreak only felt like the world was ending -- Temma felt like screaming and crying and begging all at once that he couldn’t find the words to reply -- but it never actually sounded like it.
“I don’t-- I don’t understand. What did I do? Is it just because I forgot the anniversary? But I can still cancel, or we can celebrate on another day...” Temma was saying, and the look on his face -- he already looked like he was going to cry -- was making Astel regret ever saying anything. Maybe he should’ve endured for longer. They were improving, weren't they? He was just impatient. An overdramatic bitch who didn’t know how to be satisfied with anything.
Temma was a good person, Astel knew. The blond was sweet when he wanted to be, and despite his lapses -- his quirks that would’ve probably been more endearing if Astel wasn’t already so worn out and tired of playing second fiddle to everything else in Temma's life -- he did love Astel to the best of his ability. It was just that said ability wasn't enough for Astel. Not right now.
Maybe they just weren’t meant to last because Astel was a piece of shit who didn’t deserve a good and stable relationship with anyone in the end. He was too demanding. He wanted too much. He was being given the world and he kept asking for more. It wasn’t fair to Temma at all.
“It’s going to sound dumb and cliché, but you’re not the problem,” Astel said, and he was sighing again -- he couldn’t stop, because this was turning out to be more painful and harder than he’d expected, because now he didn’t want to leave but it was too late to take the words back now that he'd said them -- as he continued. “I just… I don’t know. You deserve better than me.”
“What are you-- but I love you as you are, Astel.”
“I-- that’s what I’m saying,” Astel muttered, frustrated now as he groaned and buried his face in his hands, trying to prevent the tears he could already feel burning at the back of his eyelids from falling. Temma was making this much harder than it should’ve been because Astel still loved him -- of course he did, otherwise this would’ve been a much cleaner break because there would be no emotions involved at all -- and hated the idea of hurting the blond when Temma really hadn’t done anything explicitly wrong.
Maybe break ups were easier when there was one big and obvious reason for it -- like cheating or a massive misunderstanding like in the movies -- instead of a multitude of tiny reasons that had built-up over time and had just become too painful for an already exhausted heart to bear.
“I love you too but I keep wanting more out of you and that’s not fair to you so I think it’s better if we--”
“What 'more' are you saying? What do you want?” Temma sounded desperate now -- sniffling in between his words, his tone close to a pitiful whine -- but Astel didn’t want to look because if he saw Temma crying, he knew he’d lose all of his resolve. “I’ll do anything, so--”
“Let’s just-- let’s just stop, okay?” Astel said, and he was swiping at his tears and his nose and then grabbing his still half-filled bowl so he could dispose of the leftovers and start cleaning up. He purposely avoided looking at Temma as he did this, not wanting to see how much he was hurting the one he loved.
This would surely be better in the long run for the both of them. Astel was too tired to be a good boyfriend anymore. Temma deserved someone who could still give the relationship their full effort. The blond would surely find someone else who would make him happier, who wouldn’t complain, who--
Someone he actually wants to have sex with, Astel’s mind completed in a sudden cruel assessment. How long had it been? Was Temma still even attracted to him at all in that way? Maybe Temma already found him ugly because before they'd moved in together, Astel always had make-up on and fashionable clothes to help with his appearance and nowadays he was just in loungewear and bare-faced and sweaty--
“I’ll move out,” Astel muttered, trying to focus on the minutiae, the more clinical details of a break up so he wouldn’t have to dwell too much on the pain. This sucked. This was quite possibly the worst break up he’d ever had to weather because the feelings were still there and he was just giving up because he was too weak and tired to hold on. “For now, I’ll start sleeping on the couch while I try to find another place, and--”
“Astel, please don’t leave me.”
Astel didn’t have the words for this. He wasn’t even sure he had the mental capacity to think of any. And he was suddenly feeling Temma’s arms come around him from behind, the embrace warm and tight and--
Too late. It was too late for all of this. He'd said the words. He'd already ruined things. Besides, even if he stayed, nothing would change, right? They should just stay as friends -- and anyway, they were acting more like friends rather than lovers nowadays -- and accept that the relationship they'd tried had ultimately failed because of Astel.
“I’m really sorry,” Astel said, and it took everything he had to walk away from Temma at that moment and escape to their bathroom. He locked the door behind him, pressing his back to the wood and sinking down to the floor, his face buried in his hands as he finally allowed the broken sobs to overtake him.
They didn’t see each other the next day, which was honestly some sort of feat because the apartment they lived in wasn’t big by any stretch of imagination. Temma wasn’t sure when he’d fallen asleep curled up outside of the bathroom door -- waiting for Astel to come out so they could talk and maybe Temma could try again to convince the other man that they should stay together -- but he woke up with a massive headache from all his crying and some back pain from his sleeping position. There was a blanket thrown over him and a note near his fingertips saying that there was food in the fridge that he could heat up for breakfast and lunch.
I assume you’ll have dinner with Miyabi so I didn't cook for that, Astel’s neat handwriting said at the bottom of the page. Earlier on in their relationship, he'd sign his reminder notes to Temma with little hearts -- half in jest and half in genuine affection -- but now there was nothing, not even his name. Have fun. I mean it. Sorry for ruining last night.
It was horrible. Everything was horrible and Temma ended up cancelling his attendance to the collab anyway, saying that he’d gotten sick all of a sudden and wasn’t in any condition to entertain anyone. Miyabi had been understanding and had even thrown in a little joke -- 'tell Astel good luck with babysitting duty' -- but the whole exchange had just made Temma feel even worse. Why did it feel like everyone was adjusting to him all of the time and not telling him off whenever he was being unreasonable?
He wished Astel had told him beforehand about their anniversary. Had gotten angry at him for not remembering -- it wouldn't have been the first time Astel would've punished him for being ridiculous, and sometimes in the past, Temma would purposely annoy his boyfriend so he could feel the consequences in bed -- instead of just sad to the point that he'd just accepted Temma's careless mistake and even took it as some sort of message that Temma would be open to breaking up.
Temma didn't want to break up. He wouldn't accept this. He wasn't ready to let the best thing in his life slip out of his grasp without a fight. He hoped Astel was having fun in Disney right now, because when the other man came home, Temma was definitely going to confront him about all of this. Astel obviously still loved Temma as much as Temma loved him -- he wouldn't have cried so much otherwise or even planned an anniversary trip -- so breaking up was pointless. If begging him to stay didn't work, then Temma would have to take things up a notch, even if it led to them arguing.
Come to think of it, Temma couldn't remember the last time they'd fought over anything. They used to banter a lot, and Temma secretly enjoyed the way Astel would end up snorting out a laugh midway, unable to take even their supposed fights seriously. The way Astel laughed in earnest was stupidly cute -- his head would duck down and his cheeks would flush as his eyes closed, his giggling increasing in volume even as he tried to control himself -- and Temma was realizing now that it had been a while since he'd heard that blissful sound as well.
When was the last time Astel had even smiled at him?
Temma tried to think of a more recent example, but the closest he could remember was two weeks ago, when he’d caught his boyfriend all dressed up to go to the grocery and had catcalled the blue-haired man as he'd walked to the door. Temma had teased Astel then, telling him to be careful outside because he was incredibly beautiful and someone might pick him up and run away with him due to his short frame.
“Thanks, I know,” Astel had laughed in reply, and he’d done a little twirl in place to show off. “I bought a new coat. Did you notice?”
No, Temma hadn’t noticed, and he’d admitted as much -- he was brutally honest to Astel all the time after they’d moved in together, having become comfortable enough around his boyfriend that he didn’t feel the need to censor his thoughts -- and for a moment Astel’s smile had lost its intensity before he'd shrugged and turned away.
“Figures,” Astel had said then, and soon he was out of the door, waving goodbye to Temma over his shoulder.
Temma couldn’t remember if he’d welcomed Astel home afterwards -- surely he had, right? But it was a common enough ritual that it was hard to pinpoint exact days when he had and hadn't done such a thing -- but he was realizing now that maybe he’d been too relaxed about his relationship. Too complacent and too confident in the idea that Astel would always be there for him. But Astel was a person with his own needs and wants, and he wouldn't stay if he really felt like leaving.
Hell, there wasn’t even a guarantee that Astel would come home tomorrow, was there?
A sudden panic, and Temma was checking their closets to see if Astel’s clothes were still there -- yes, thankfully, minus a few pieces that the other man had probably packed for his Disney trip -- before he sighed and flopped down onto their bed, pulling one of their pillows into his arms and burying his face into it, wishing he were holding onto the man himself. When Astel came back, he'd hug him tight and--
No. He wouldn’t be able to hold the other man like this again. He’d lost the right. Their relationship had ended. Astel would eventually pack up all his things and leave completely, taking with him his cooking that he used to be so proud of whenever he presented a new dish to Temma, his random singing as he walked around the house doing things, his playful jabs at Temma's sides to make him laugh, his intensity in bed which sometimes caused Temma to scream, his soft whispers when he'd stroke at Temma's hair to comfort the blond, his cute moments when he’d talk to his stuffed toys like they were real -- ‘Gelatoni, Temma’s being mean to me’ -- and even the stupid times when he’d pick a mock-fight with Temma over who should do the dishes.
When was the last time they’d argued over that? It felt like ages ago, as if Astel had simply stopped asking for Temma to do anything and had just done things by himself instead. He used to bug Temma to eat and sleep on time, to come with him on the weekly grocery trips, to help clean and wash dishes, and one day it all just stopped but Temma couldn’t remember when exactly and why.
Was this the ‘more’ that Astel had mentioned he’d wanted from Temma? He should’ve just asked, and--
A sudden memory, and Temma was remembering Astel waking up for once when Temma had climbed into bed to hold him, the blue-haired man blinking sleepily up at Temma and sounding surprised to even see him there.
“Oh, Temma, is something wrong?”
“No, why would there be something wrong?” Temma had chuckled a little then, because it had sounded ridiculous -- why would there be something wrong just because there was finally an overlap in their sleeping schedules after months of mismatch? -- and was probably just the ramblings of a sleepy and confused Astel instead of anything serious.
But now he was realizing that he’d probably already lost Astel by then, and it had just taken his boyfriend a little longer to gather the courage to say so.
“I don’t know,” Astel had yawned, and he was snuggling into Temma’s embrace with a contented sigh as he already seemed to be falling back asleep. “But whatever brought you here, I hope it happens again.”
Disney at night was a spectacle. There was an extravagant parade. There were fireworks. There was cheerful music and loud laughter from the surrounding audience. The weather was even perfect for a date, chilly but not cold enough that a warm hug wouldn’t make it all better.
Astel wished he were here with Temma, the blond’s arms around him and holding him close from behind, a chin resting on top of his head -- tall people were the worst sometimes, but Astel didn’t hate the action as much as he pretended because it made him feel safe whenever Temma held him that way, like he was being cocooned in his boyfriend's protective embrace -- as they both watched the events unfold in front of them.
It would’ve been nice.
Temma surely would’ve enjoyed today, because Astel had purposely planned out a route that the blond would’ve liked, even going through the trouble of making reservations at restaurants Temma had mentioned wanting to try the last time they’d been here together -- though that had been a year or so back now, so maybe Temma had changed his mind or was no longer interested in indulging Astel's childish hobbies -- and making sure to space out all the activities with breaks so they could sit and chat somewhere and maybe even kiss.
But it wasn’t meant to be, so here he was alone and a little cold, sniffling and ruining his make-up with his tears -- it was a good thing it was dark and no one could see -- as he tried to remember everything he’d loved about Temma so he could properly thank the heavens for letting him experience being with the blond for a short while, and then he could let it all go and make peace with the fact that they weren't meant to be together after all.
“Happy five years, Temma,” Astel whispered to the night sky, watching the colorful flashes of fireworks -- beautiful but fleeting, like what their relationship ended up being -- through his blurry vision. "Goodbye."
Things were a little bit awkward between them when Astel finally came home. Temma was waiting, and he looked determined for some reason when he met Astel at the door, declaring ‘welcome home’ loudly as if he thought Astel had gone deaf or something from his Disney trip.
The fireworks hadn’t been that loud, for chrissakes.
“Thank you. I’m home,” Astel nodded, walking past his ex-boyfriend and into the house proper after he’d kicked off his shoes. Despite everything, he could feel the instant relaxation just being here provided him -- the sort of relief one felt when coming home after a long day -- and he was a little sad admitting to himself that he’d miss this place too. All the memories they’d made together here -- trying to assemble those shelves together, Temma falling off the couch when Astel had jumped on him, their attempts to soundproof the walls (which led to sex anyway because they were both sweaty and tired and panting grossly beside each other when they were done) -- he'd be letting those go too along with everything of Temma he could no longer have.
“I’ll do the grocery shopping this week,” Temma declared, just as Astel was heading towards the kitchen to grab himself a drink. The kitchen, where Temma had once nicked his finger trying to cut some potatoes and Astel had ended up sucking first at the blond’s finger and then at his dick-- “And the cooking too.”
The words were suddenly penetrating his mind more clearly and Astel was finding them all too strange. More than the mostly sexual memories his brain was unhelpfully peppering him with like a personalized torture wheel, he realized that Temma was following him around and volunteering to do things that Astel usually did for the both of them. “Temma…”
“I’ll clean too, but you have to tell me how to--”
“Temma, what are you trying to do?” Astel asked, and he was feeling a deep sigh bubbling up from inside of him all over again when he realized that this was probably an attempt from the blond to keep them together. It was sweet, but at the same time, if it was just a forced effort that would end the moment Astel relented, then it would just lead them right back to where they'd ended up. “Don’t force yourself. I did all of that of my own volition, so I can continue to do them until I find a new place.”
“I’m not forcing myself,” Temma replied with a frown. “I was thinking yesterday that you do too much around the house so I wanted to help.”
“I suppose helping is okay,” Astel said slowly, thinking to himself that maybe this would be a good practice for Temma anyway. This way, the blond could simply continue the activities on his own once Astel was properly out of his life. “We can shop for groceries together so I can point out what I usually buy.”
“That sounds great. Thank you so much,” Temma said, and he was smiling at Astel widely, the brightness of the look almost hiding the bags under his eyes and puffiness of his eyelids -- most likely from crying, because Astel was sure he looked exactly the same, except he had make-up to aid in hiding it -- and the upbeat tone of his voice almost convincing Astel that his ex-boyfriend was happy that they'd be spending time together doing extremely boring stuff.
Astel smiled back tiredly, trying to tell the little piece of hope that was attempting to bloom in his heart to shut up and go away. This wasn’t sustainable. There was no way Temma would keep it up past a week anyway. Nothing would change between them at all.
Temma kept it up for longer than Astel had expected. In fact, it seemed as if the blond honestly did change and had come to enjoy the time they spent together, because otherwise why would he purposely schedule his activities around the most mundane shit like going to the store or cooking and cleaning? Temma's sleeping habits had even fixed themselves -- though he seemed to have stayed up for over 24 hours once to do it -- and though Astel and Temma didn't sleep in the same bed anymore, at least they were able to have their meals together properly in this manner.
There were even moments when Temma would be unexpectedly sweet -- adding oranges to their cart because he remembered that Astel liked them or cooking dishes he knew Astel loved when it was his turn to make dinner (after a lengthy discussion, they'd decided to alternate cooking and cleaning duties between them) -- that Astel was wondering if that camping trip with Miyabi or whatever it was had given Temma some sort of enlightenment in life.
He asked over dinner one month into their new arrangement, on the day he'd finally found what looked like a decent listing online for a place he could rent. He could've just proceeded with looking into the new apartment without saying anything, but the past month had made him reluctant to just leave.
It would be a lie for him to claim that nothing had changed -- that Temma wasn't trying harder now to address all the complaints Astel hadn't even bothered to voice about their previous relationship -- when even their normal conversations had an honest quality to them that they'd only previously achieved in bed after several rounds of sex.
"I felt lonely when you stopped spending time with me," Astel had even managed to admit -- in the middle of the supermarket, no less, when Temma had first added the oranges into their haul, smiling shyly as he did so -- without feeling like he was being too pathetic saying it out loud. The relationship was over, after all, and he no longer had anything left to lose. "I missed you a lot even when you were right there in the next room."
"I missed you too," Temma replied solemnly, and for some reason, Astel had believed it. Maybe because Temma explained afterwards why he kept trying to invite Astel to collabs -- Astel's presence supposedly made everything better, which would've sounded like a cheesy lie if anyone else but Temma had said it -- and then when they'd come home, the blond had pulled him into a hug and had repeated the words -- 'I miss you, I always miss you' -- in a whisper that sounded close to tears.
They even touched more now than they had in the months leading up to their break up, Temma insisting that they hug in the mornings before breakfast and in the evenings before bed -- 'friendly hugs', he'd called them, and Astel had agreed like he hadn't known that the friendly part was a lie, because he'd wanted in on the self-deception too -- and the hugs grew longer and tighter with each passing day, neither of them willing to let go or to even point out the discrepancy between their words and their actions (the hugs were also prime positions to feel erections through their clothes, but neither of them mentioned that either).
It felt a bit like they were both waiting for the other party to say that it was okay for them to try again -- or to just simply keep going with their current trajectory -- before the word 'relationship' was even uttered between them. This sort of limbo -- an uncertainty of what they really were, because this certainly felt like more than friendship at times, but still not enough to be considered lovers -- should've been awkward, but it wasn't. Instead, it just gave both Temma and Astel the unspoken relief that their feelings for each other were still there and reciprocated, if not even stronger than before.
"I didn't go to that collab," Temma said now, frowning as he looked at Astel across the table. "How could I go when I felt like shit the whole day?"
"Oh. Sorry," Astel whispered, looking down at his empty plate and wondering if he should excuse himself to clean-up. But then he was remembering his own feelings at that time and looking up to frown at Temma as well. "If it makes you feel better, I felt like shit too."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
A small smile, and Temma was shaking his head for a moment before he snorted to himself. "It's good no one thought you were a lost child in the middle of Disney, crying because you'd lost sight of your mommy."
"Eat shit, Kishido Temma," Astel said, the sudden verbal jab surprising him and yet making him laugh just the same. It should've hurt to be insulted -- especially considering that they were talking about something so sensitive -- but for some reason, it didn't. "This is why I left you. You're so insensitive."
"I thought you left me because you were tired?" Temma replied, raising an eyebrow. It was something Astel had mentioned only once before -- while Temma was busy trying to vacuum the living room, so Astel had thought that the blond hadn't heard his musings over the sound of the machine -- and only in the context of being grateful that their arrangement now wasn't as exhausting.
"That's--" Astel cut himself off and shrugged. If they were having this conversation now, then might as well go all out. Anyway, he had that possible rental in his bookmarks and could make his final escape if it turned out badly. "It was tiring taking care of you and not getting anything in return, yes."
The reply he got to that declaration was completely serious, Temma reaching out across the table with both hands to grasp Astel's own hands in his. His grip was tight, even if it was shaking -- much like how Temma was in their daily hugs -- so there was an anticipation building inside of Astel at that moment, and for once, he wasn't trying to shut up his own growing hopes.
"Astel, I would do anything at all for you, you just have to ask."
"I think the point is that I didn't want to have to ask," Astel replied softly. This was-- it was more than he'd ever planned on admitting, because it was exposing some of his deepest insecurities. And yet he found that he trusted Temma to be able to handle this conversation. This past month had shown him that the blond was more than capable of meeting him halfway in everything, and he was thinking that Temma would do the same now. "I wanted you to want me enough to just do things."
"I do," Temma whispered, his hands squeezing at Astel's. "I'm trying to show you that I do, but if it's not enough, you have to tell me."
"Yeah," Astel agreed, a small smile forming on his lips. He adjusted the placement of their hands so he could entwine their fingers properly and squeeze back. "You're the type who has to be dominated a little sometimes. Ordered around or something."
A chuckle, and Temma was rising from his seat so he could lean over the table and move his head closer to Astel's. "The type who needs to be tied-up and fucked into the mattress?"
"I'll consider it," Astel replied, tilting his head up so their eyes could meet directly in this new position.
Temma looked hesitant now but determined, his blue eyes meeting Astel's own with an intensity that was just a little bit nostalgic to see. It reminded Astel of how they'd started -- young, stupid, and driven to conquer each other in more ways than one -- and of the passion they used to share in their more private activities together.
They would probably never go back to that -- they'd both changed, one way or another -- but Astel found that he was perfectly alright with that realization. In fact, he preferred what they had now because it felt stronger and more capable of withstanding anything the future could throw at them.
So when Temma spoke again, Astel was ready.
"I still love you," Temma said, and he was already closing his eyes and leaning in further, as if he knew what the answer would be even before Astel replied. Then again, they both knew -- it was impossible not to, given what they'd experienced in the past month together and in all the years leading up to that -- so this was more of a formality than anything else. "Can we try again?"
"Yes," Astel agreed, his own eyes closing as he felt Temma's lips press gently against his own.