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“Piers.”
Piers enters even before I give permission, but he doesn’t need it. My heart races as if it’s going up a steep hill. He kissed me and then ran away; I spent the whole night trying to figure myself out after that. I’m getting a serious feeling of déjà vu, but this time I’m the one who wants to run. I could easily pretend nothing happened if he agreed to, but we really need this chat.
He rubs his hands together and looks at me while I only lean against the door. I don’t know how to clarify things and I’m afraid of what he’s going to say. This is so uncomfortable. I’m still feeling too scared, just trying to understand.
“Captain,” he rewords. “I would like to formally apologize for my attitude and…”
“Don’t do this,” I say calmly. “Skip this formality, we’re both adults fixing a personal issue.”
I walk across my bedroom and open the balcony door. There’s a strong wind outside, and I can only see the white of the snow. How am I going to lead this mission with a huge heaviness in the head? Piers appears behind me. He’s wearing a green sweat jacket while I’m only with a black long-sleeve shirt, but it protects me from the cold.
“So you do think this is an issue and we have to fix it.”
He puts both his hands in his jacket pockets and kicks the snow in the balcony.
“You know that was not what I meant. Please, close the door.”
I lean my elbows on the railing and watch on Piers. His hands tremble as he drags the big, glass door.
“You’re shivering. Too cold out here? We can go back inside if that suits you better.”
He bares his teeth at me like an angry puppy.
“It’s not that and you know. I’m anxious. I didn’t want it to start that way and end like this.” He crosses his arms and approaches me. “I was so blinded by my feelings that I did not even mind about yours, and I’m so sorry.”
“Look.” I try to speak, but he won’t stop.
“I think I always had this feeling for you and tomorrow’s going to be a tough day, I thought it would be better to just say it once for all what I needed to say before something bad happened. It’s selfish to keep it to myself, but doing such thing makes me purely nervous. And I ended up making that decision without thinking it through.”
I see a lonely tear rolling down his face. Seems like it will be a very long night.
I take the pack and the lighter out of my pocket and try to light a cigarette. Struggling the unfavorable strong winds, I cover it with my other hand and succeed to ignite it, but even before I puff in, Piers grabs it from my hand and throw away, floating with the wind. Now is he going to act like my sister, Claire?
“You promised me you were done with smoking.” And I am, but there are so many feelings. I don’t know how to handle it any other way. “You know how harmful this is to your health and you even said how you hate smoking. Don’t you throw your entire progress away so easily.”
“Piers.”
He steps back.
“I will get straight to the point,” he says. “I’m sorry for kissing you. I know you’re my superior and this is completely wrong and unprofessional, it should not have happened, and it’ll not repeat, you have my word.”
“It’s not about that.”
“I will understand if you want to punish me in any way, just don’t shut me out tomorrow’s mission, I beg you. It’s very important, and I’ll need to be there to prevent anything from happening to you.” He clears his throat. “And with our crew.”
He is my first lieutenant and is very good at what he does, I wouldn’t be dumb enough to squeeze him out the mission.
“Can you stop…”
“And I’ll totally understand if you want to transfer me after the mission. I will adapt with my new crew, and I even agree to start from the beginning as a cadet.”
He will not let me talk; I’m getting so stressed out at this.
“I’m through with this!” My voice is strong. “Would you please just keep it down low? Spare. Me. Five. Minutes. You said it was selfishness to ignore my feelings, but you also just won’t let me talk.”
He bares his teeth again and looks down at his own feet. I approach him.
“The truth is, right after you kissed me, I found out I had feelings for you too. I’ve always wanted you close, but I never thought it was because of some inner strength, which was awakened like an inexplicable huge explosion. I realized that you were the person that was missing in my life, even though always being by my side.”
His shoulders shrug when I grab them. He looks at me like he’s about to run away again, but this time I won’t let him.
“I think I like you, Piers. But this is all new to me. It’s not because we’re both men, my taboo is to relate to someone. I was never interested. It feels amazing to have you by my side, Piers, but I’m not sure I’m the right person. Not now, and I would very much like to be. After this whole mission is over, we could have a few beers and, dunno, try to get to know each other better. But this time as two persons rather than soldiers.”
He nods, and a comforting smile soon forms. Now Piers transmits a calmer, more comprehensive energy, as if nothing has happened in the past few hours.
“Sounds good.”
“You’re not the one to blame.”
“I believe.” He hesitates but continues. “I believe your words are true.”
I don’t know when it will happen again, so I grab his head and kiss his mouth. The same way he kissed me: on impulse. I feel the same reaction in him I had when he kissed me earlier, but this time no one runs away. His lips comfort me in a way I can’t understand, and I just want this kiss to last forever.
When we pull away, I notice his cheek burning in a charismatic hue of red. I hug him one last time tonight and it’s like time has stopped, and I need to struggle not to kiss him once again.
“I promise to wait for you if you promise to wait for me,” I announce, finally. “I just need time. And a good chat.”
“I do,” he replies. “Thank you for listening to me and to explain me your feelings. It feels like all my anxiety vanished.”
“I feel that too.”
We go back into my warm bedroom, and he stretches right before opening the door.
“You better sleep well Captain. We have a big day tomorrow.”
I shake my head.
“You too. Have a good night, Piers.”
And I let him go. But, this time, he goes with a smile on his face, and carrying the same hope I am carrying. It’s so nice to know that we managed to solve this in a fair and understandable way. And we can go even further. This is still very new for me; I hope I can adapt to it.
I want to make things between us work somehow.
Well, I better rest for now. Edonia is a totally chaos.